Thanksgiving Bitterness

Attention Avocado’s brother.

a. Apparently your brother doesn’t like your guitar THAT much because a donkey was saddled with it for months.

b. How dare your brother not love a donkey?

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Mrs. Roper: A Thanksgiving Memory

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The more things change, oh hell, things just stay the same.  From Gawker, 2008, and the comments are priceless.

You know those movies where the big city hotshot character comes back to their town for the holidays and learns humbling lessons about life and love? Well that apparently played out in real life when Julia Allison—internet fame connoisseur, lifecaster—traveled back to Chicago for Thanksgiving. Between lazily pushing mashed potatoes around her plate and clubbing at “the hottest spot in Chicago,” she seems to have experienced an existential crisis that led to a big, HUGE decision that she’s of course loudly announced on her website: Julia Allison is going to Business School! And not just any business school. Like some sort of businessy Elle Woods, she’s aiming for the crème de la crème: Harvard! And Stanford. What, like it’s hard? There are, though, some small flaws in her plan:

Until one of her readers informed her otherwise, she was under the impression that she would need only to take the GREs to apply. (She also worried about there being a math section on the exam. When applying to business school.) Luckily a concerned TMI Weekly fan let her know that one does, in fact, have to subject themselves to the exponentially more difficult GMAT exam, and that she’d need an extremely high score just to get her toe in the door. So, first big hurdle!

The other problem is that she’d want to keep running her NonSociety “business” while freezing away in Boston or toiling away from the sun in Palo Alto. Which… we mean, we don’t know how much there is to run, but that sounds ambitious. Isn’t there like a lot of studying? Maybe her cohorts Meghan Asha and Mary Rambin could apply, too! Roommates who study and lifecast together! Meghan might do fine, with her hedge fund background, but we’d fret about dear, sweet Mary worrying that head of hers with facts and figures. Thinking makes wrinkles, after all. Though the bigger question is, isn’t the old “going to business school” thing kind of the parachute rescue option when one’s undertaking isn’t proving terribly successful? Could Julia’s new life course actually be hinting doom for the site (and experience) that asks (tells?) us to “live differently”?

Though really, movie cliche aside, it is cute to see her so excited and impulsively silly about such a big, tough decision. We can’t say we haven’t had similar Big Dream longings while languishing at home for the holidays. They’re introspective times, because they do embolden, better than any other time of the year, the swift and sometimes harsh passage of time. It’s easy to feel an existential tug for something More. (We may have made drunken plans last night to move to Rome for a year in June.) In that vein, we wish Ms. Allison luck.

But srsly. Get off the computer and go hit the books, sister.

But srslly.  Get off Facebook and write that book, Julia.

Holiday Bonus: A beefcake shot of Donkey’s source of funds posted by none other than Donkey herself in a fawning birthday tribute.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Julia Allison Dad 1979

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Julia Allison Does Her Best To Ensure Dad$ers Pays Her AmEx Bill & Next Month’s Marina Rent

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Those nails, that fauxto frame, and a possible setup for Donkey’s new mark – “see my homespun values!” – and/or her inevitable move back to the Midwest:

My parents, 36 years ago on their wedding day, Nov 25, 1978. This framed photo sits on my bedside table, and every night I remember how lucky I am to have them as my parents. Missing them as they gather with my brother, sister-in-law and nephew on Thanksgiving. As my mom said to me today, “Please move home to Chicago! It’s warm … Inside the house!!” LOL.

Actually, I think that opera going mark – tho cultured! –  rejected Julia Allison Baugher, which is why we got the empathy pity party.  Forever single & not lovin’ it.  Have a happy Thanksgiving, Donks!

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On The Heels of Donkey’s “Empathy” Demands

Today is my parents’ 36th wedding anniversary. Wow … Truly in awe, mom & dad!!!

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Updated: Julia Allison Revisits Tit Thrusting “Lip Dub” That Made Her “Happy” & Bawls Her Eyes Out

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Sorry, kit kats, I can’t embed the notorious 4 Non Blondes lip dub because of Donkey’s new Vimeo privacy settings, even though she just posted this trip down mammary lane to Facebook:

Once upon a time, I used to do these things called “lip dubs.” They were art for the amateur artist – and they made me happy.

One day, six years ago, I was skiing in Utah with my dad and brother, I made this one.

Today I thought about it again, about how life is cyclical and how we’re all just trying to get up that “great big hill of hope” … and sometimes it feels like we’re Sisyphus.

Christ, I feel for Little Brother when watching this mess, which is as appalling as Annie Lalala and her daddy doing that slutty tango down the aisle.  Thanks again, Petey, for enabling your deranged donkey:

I think this is my best lip dub – syncing wise – ever (it helps that the words are really, really easy). The camera work isn’t too shabby either. Thanks Dad!

How many times has she brayed about this video? Zzzzzzz … Hey, Donkey, how’s that book coming along?

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Update: Of all people, Julie posted a video about … empathy! And then she had the sadz about ME, ME, ME and made a plea for her woo buddies to understand her great despair: she is 33 years old and single!! Has anyone throughout the ages ever experienced such pain?

For the past three days I have been in a fog I term a “grey day of the soul.” It’s not as intense as a “dark night of the soul,” but it’s not that pleasant either. Intellectually, I understand there is NOTHING WRONG WITH MY LIFE. But emotionally, I’m aching. The holidays are approaching and I am f–king sad that I don’t have a partner. I’m sad I don’t have little ones of my own. And as people post happy photo after happy photo here on Facebook of them with their sweethearts imploring me to “choose love first!” and them with their adorable new babies, I feel the ache.

The irony is that when I watched this video I realized that I had been “at least’ing” myself. I had been unwilling to sink into the sadness (as most of us are not thrilled to do), by reminding myself almost irritatingly of the various things in my life that ARE working (and there are many). But for once that didn’t make me feel any better. In fact, I think it made me feel worse. Like, what is wrong with me that I am sad when there are so many good things in my life?

But the truth is that I need to just be okay with being sad for a while. I am 33, and I didn’t imagine that I would be spending the holidays single … again. I am 33, and when I went shopping for presents for my nephew and a few close friends who just had babies … my heart broke a little bit. Will I ever have children? Will I ever find a loving husband?

I don’t know.

I know that it only makes me feel WORSE when people try to distract me from it with their “oh, so many people are unhappy in marriages and with kids” or “oh, you have X or Y or Z.” I know that already. All I want is for them to feel genuine empathy. Just feel where I’m at and don’t judge me for it. Feel what it would be like for you to not have a partner or children around the holidays … again. How frustrating that would be. How deeply sad. How, even in spite of knowing that there are many (wonderful) unconventional paths that our lives can take, scared that sometimes makes me.

I know I will eventually come out of the grey day of the soul. I always do.

But for now, you just saying, “I feel you” would at least help me not to feel so alone.

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