Parenting With Rainbow: Judy Albertson Blames Sloth On Robin & Petey’s Demands For “Perfection”/Jess Johnson Thanks Judy For Her Very Special Day


I love my parents … And I’m so grateful for all they taught me.

That said, they were definitely the “you better be PERFECT” Puritan-work-ethic loving Tiger parent type, a tougher permutation of what the former dean of Stanford described here.

I was expected to get straight As, but I was most certainly NOT absolved of chores, nor did my parents EVER once argue on my behalf with a teacher.

In fact, my mother once argued for me TO BE SUSPENDED when she felt my tardiness to advisory had become too frequent (in high school, advisory was the first period of the day – literally just a holding pen for 30 minutes before real classes started). I was tardy because I regularly stayed up until the wee hours doing homework – and as it turned out, I couldn’t survive on 5 hours of sleep, even then.

Secure in my “good kid” persona, I told my mother, “they don’t suspend kids like me.” (Kids who got great grades, who were in every extracurricular, who didn’t do drugs or drink.)

Undeterred, my mother called the dean. “I need you to suspend my daughter for her tardiness to teach her a lesson,” my mom told the very surprised dean.

“We don’t suspend kids like Julia,” the dean replied.

My mom: “You do now.”

And they did.

That one day suspension went on all my college applications, I might add. How many kids can say their mom got them suspended for being late to school? More unique than starting a club! Maybe I should have written my application essay about THAT. 😉 haha

I suppose you could imagine that as a result of such tough parents, I became a disciplined and obedient follower. But that’s not what happened (as you can see from my life). I rebelled in my own way, and I’ve had an allergy to rules and being forced into boxes ever since. It’s my greatest strength and it has also been my greatest weakness (of course).

In sum, let’s chill out on the perfection obsession and focus on finding and nurturing the unique and inherent genius in every kid … Or send them all to Waldorf schools. 😉

What the fuck? She may have been “expected to get straight As,” but our burro was not an “A” student at Georgetown and her shaky academic standing was tracked relentlessly by the dean’s office, with Petey phoning and threatening anyone & everyone if they didn’t give his spawn a pass.

Such self-defeating rebellion, Donkey, and so sad! If Momsers had nurtured your inherent genius, you wouldn’t be a 35-year-old lazy layabout still living off your parents and running around druggy festivals with your tits hanging out.


In other news, future superstar Jess Johnson had a birthday party – alert the media! When Donkey, AKA “Miss Rainbow,” asked The Caterwauler what gift she wanted on this magical day, Jess asked for a documentary and a photo shoot about herself:

On September 18th I turned 36. I had a small gathering where a group of my amazing friends came together to share in a ritual around love, doing life together, cycles of completion, and what we are birthing. The entire night was profound…perhaps one of the best nights of my life, because what I love more than anything is bringing together people who are fully dedicated to creating a more beautiful world, to love each other, and to become family. So many gifts were given, so many people contributed, and I will share more about that on a future post, but in this moment I have some ‘splaining to do and some people to thank about one very special gift in particular that I think will change (or certainly expedite) the course of my life HEART EMOTICON It was one of the most beautiful acts of love I have ever experienced.

BACKSTORY: A week before my birthday, Julia Allison VERY sneakily asked me what I would want to manifest if I had a little extra cash. (She said she was doing a research project on manifestation…which was actually kind of true). I told her in the blink of an eye, that I would want a micro doc about what it means to be a Heartist, and a photoshoot to tell the story of being free (and compelled) to create more love on the planet through our unique expression.

Over the next week 36 friends came together to raise over $3333 to hire my FAVORITE filmmaker/ visionary story-tellers Renee Airya and Akira Chan through RARE Media to do exactly that. I want to share with you what these beings co-created and give a special acknowledgment to EVERYONE who contributed and everyone who witnessed, amplified and made this moment come alive! This video is for you 3 HEART EMOTICONS THANK YOU 3 HEART EMOTICONS I promise to keep giving myself fully to this life until the day I take my last beautiful breath…and I can’t wait to tell this amazing story HEART EMOTICON

Jeff Scult Annie Anton Isabella Konold Shawn Hughes Ro Palomo David Schmidt Dallas Michael Cyr Dallyce Brisbin Scott Steele Scott DeMoulin Jonathan Budd Laura J. Swan Novalena Jennie Nichele Jeremy Nichele John Buttaz Evan Novis Justin Rosenstein Nadav Wilf Nadia Mufti Ariel White Amber Hartnell Bertram Meyer Mia Cara Katie Freiling Michael Costuros Kim Iglinsky Anake Goodall Neha Panchal Cory Tanner Glazier Marian Zizzo Neeta Bhushan Martha Gilbert Nisha Moodley Bear Kittay Katiyana Kittay Lisa Rock Daniel Brand David Chan Daniel Schmachtenberger Ali Shanti Julia Allison

That Golden Globe Award winning speech at the end of the video? Holy Merde! And Jess? You didn’t tag enough of your enablers here.

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Updated: Donkey Takes Another Dump On “Concentration Camp” New York City


Julia Allison, who left Manhattan with her tail between her four legs, would like to redirect “New York brains”:

“I think that New York is the model for the new concentration camp, where the camp has been built by the inmates themselves and the inmates are the guards. And they have this pride over what they’ve built – they’ve built their own prison! And so they exist in a state of schizophrenia, where they are both guards and prisoners. And as a result, having been lobotomized, they no longer have the capacity to leave the prison they have made or EVEN SEE IT AS A PRISON.” [Ed. – Donkey is quoting Andre Gregory in the 1981 Louis Malle movie, MY DINNER WITH ANDRE, which was shot in a hotel in Richmond, VA. standing in for NYC. What’s below is all Julie.]

So accurate to my experience. This is EXACTLY how I feel about “escaping” from New York.

As I look out my office window at nothing but trees, listen to blissful silence, watch wild turkey, lizards, hummingbirds and deer parade by daily, I thank God above that I got out of that concrete prison, the prison that valued Money and Competition and Winning above taking care of this planet and taking care of each other – aka, kindness.

One becomes a product of one’s environment – and the values espoused and encouraged within the system that environment creates.

That is not to say that there are no kind-hearted New Yorkers, no beautiful souls living there. Just that the city itself does not *breed* a gentle, kind, considerate way of living. It cannot, in my opinion, being fully controlled by me-first capitalism, being so removed from nature. (And no CENTRAL PARK DOES NOT COUNT.)

New Yorkers HAVE to cut off their sensitivity, cut off their desire for space and nature and peace, cut off access to their hearts, or they would be crushed by the overwhelm. They harden themselves to get by, to get through, to get on. They overstimulate and over schedule, just to make it through the endless hustle required to exist there.

Because if God forbid they slowed down, they might FEEL something. If they stopped drinking caffeine and alcohol and chasing them with xanax, they might realize they ache for something they can’t even put into words. They might realize that they feel claustrophobic and abused by the noise and concrete and isolation. They might realize they long for quiet. They long for community. They long to put their bare feet in dirt. They long to eat vegetables grown on their own land.

What’s the solution? I’m not sure, but I know how to start. I suppose awareness is the beginning. Then a realization that IT CAN BE DIFFERENT. Then a desire to shift. Then a realignment of values, and an outpouring of creativity. The kind of miraculous creativity that only a human being who feels that they have no other choice has access to … the kind of creativity we can tap into when there is no other way out.

In my experience, problems can never be solved from the consciousness level at which they were created.

What if every single one of those epic New York brains was redirected at how to make their world kinder, more caring, more sustainable, more loving, more beautiful, healthier and more nature filled?

Raise the consciousness level first. Then reimagine EVERYTHING.

Smug much? As if Judy had ever seen MY DINNER WITH ANDRE or is even acquainted with the work of Louis Malle, Andre Gregory, and/or Wallace Shawn! It is to laugh!

Bottom Picture: All growed up, paying her rent, and far, far away from the big bad city.


Update: The idiot woos respond. What the fuck is Mia “Lips” Cara even talking about? And if Jon Perachiotti used to pal around with Andre Gregory’s son, why is he friends with a culturally illiterate asshat like Julia Allison?


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College Sophomore Julia Allison Is Spittin’ Mad


The world is a terrible place! Donkey would love to get involved and repair all of the injustices out there … but not right at this moment. She’s got a date with Mr. BMOC tonight – Adams Morgan or bust! – and Dadsers promised to take the family to St. Barts for Halloween. Thank goddess there’s always time to feign outrage online:






How do you pay the rent, Donkey?

Bottom Video: Pleasurable Embarrassment.


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Catching Up With “Pussy Hound” Michael Ellsberg & Donkey’s Appalling New FB Profile Fauxto


The Greasy Gargoyle’s latest self-proclaimed best-seller, “The Last Safe Investment,” co-written with asshat Bryan Franklin, was a safe bust. Mercifully, we haven’t heard a word about Smelly’s porn career. But the dominatrix without mercy has been thinking a lot … about pussy:

“Pussy: A Reclamation” is the title of Regena Thomashauer’s provocative and important new book. I was honored to have her as a guest on my podcast. In our wide-ranging interview, we cover topics including:

6:42 – “A woman who owns her pussy, owns her life.”
7:16- “My goal with this book is to turn the word ‘pussy’ from a slur, into the highest possible compliment.”
14:22- How Regena’s work was inspired by the 16th-century archetype of the “courtesan”–and what modern women can learn from this archetype
16:53- Regena’s definitions of masculine and feminine, and her thoughts on how women living in patriarchy can rebalance with their own culturally-maligned feminine side
32:02- Regena’s phrase the “Great Pussy in the Sky” (GPS)- what she means by it and how women can learn to use it
43:34- “The more pleasure a woman has, the more flush and strong her voice becomes, and the stronger her voice becomes, the more likely she is to connect with her sense of confidence.”
46:14- Reclaiming and redefining the word “slut” in addition to the word “pussy”
49:40- “Before the sun sets today, take a moment to *invest* in your pleasure”
51:13- Let’s make the pussy revolution happen!
Listen to the Soundcloud recording below. And also, don’t walk, but run, to pre-order this all-important book, via the link below that. When you pre-order, you will also get access to a free webcast of her live, sold-out book signing event in NYC on the 20th, and a full audiobook download of her previous (and very influential) book “Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts.”

“My ex-wife and soul sister, Jena la Flamme, was widely influenced by Mama Gena’s work.” Of course, as was Ali Shanti, seriously.


Smelly’s also turned into quite the photography buff, and I’m sure Daddy Daniel is happy to keep funding his dilettante son. Anybody up for a collaboration involving woo rituals?

I haven’t put anywhere near my 10,000 hours into photography yet, but I have been taking hundreds of photographs for hours every single day, of anyone who will let me photograph them, since May (when I first got bit by the photography bug.) For me, today is a milestone in my budding photographic journey–the first time one of my portrait subjects has chosen one of my photos as her professional Facebook profile photo.

Working with Katherine Bird as a subject was a dream as a photographer–she just gives *so much* of herself on camera. While she looks calm, poised and resolute in this particular photo, there’s a story behind it: this photo was an “after” shot, captured towards the *end* of a whole ritual/journey we went through on a hillside (that’s where the intensity in her eyes comes from!) I photographed while she travelled to the darkest places within herself, channeling the tortured pain of the witches from eons past, burned at the stake for thousands of years–and she watered the earth with her tears and tried and rage. It got so intense at one point that someone even yelled across the canyon to find out if she was OK. Boom, she snapped out of the trance she was in, yelled back “Yes, I’m just doing an art project!” and then right back into her trance like nothing happened. (Katherine will be sharing some of the photos of this process soon–they are intense!) Thank you Katherine for going there, and for modeling true artistic vulnerability for all of us.

I am very open to artistic collaboration with people who want to do interesting, cutting edge things in photography. I’m particularly interested in capturing ritual in photographs. If you’re in the Bay Area, Los Angeles, or NYC, and have an idea for an interesting shoot, let me know! I’m not charging for photography at this point, it is still a passion project. Let’s create art together!


Thankfully, the delightful Katherine Bird, Metamorphosis Fast-cilitator at TranceFormance, is also obsessed with pussy:


Bottom Picture! Donkey uploaded a new FB profile fauxto just as I was uploading this smelly post. Tu-tu much, Judy!


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Updated: SOS! Judy Albertson Is Having An Acne Flare Up!



While awaiting your help, bunnies, Judy found time to share the greatest love story of our generation:


I had the most beautiful moment of my life recently. It’s a story of love, heartbreak, and love-after-heartbreak. I wrote it down for me, but am sharing it with you in the event you like love stories.

In 2010, I met a woman named Jordan, which required changing my opinion on the possibility of love at first sight. We moved in together within a few weeks of starting to date. For the subsequent five years, we dove full force into the depths of intimacy. Of all the love songs I’ve heard, none have felt like they give justice to the feelings I experienced in her presence. Over and over, the relationship redefined my understanding of love and of myself. It was at once tender and epic. We built a life, a home (Agape), and a community. We explored the nature of reality, and, hand in hand, spelunked through the corners of our consciousness. If there are souls, ours mated, and gave birth to something much bigger than either of us.

Our mutual radical acceptance gave us the strength to follow our passions boldly. As part of that, Jordan found herself called deeply toward a spiritual path based on Peruvian shamanism. I cheered her on as she dove into study, even as it ultimately led her to be away from me for months at a time, practicing in the Amazon under the guidance of multigenerational traditional healers, primarily by sitting in solitude in an open-air hut, meditating from morning til night. After years of study, the calling increased until she was compelled to devote her life to the path of healing, helping bring the wisdom of this tradition to those needing psychological healing. To pursue this path fully, she felt called to take a nearly monastic devotion, one incompatible with our sexual relationship and shared lifestyle. (If your reaction reading this is “WTF?”, you can only imagine mine.) In parallel, I was also feeling increasingly called toward lifestyle choices that were incompatible with her desires, and, suddenly, the partnership that we had assumed would lead to children and growing old together was coming to an end.
Still madly in love, the devastation was enormous for us both. I went to great lengths — sweeping romantic gestures, offers of radical compromise — to make it work, but ultimately came to honor and admire the depth of her dedication, and the sacrifice she was making to serve the world as a healer.

She returned from another six-month stint in the jungle with a gift for me. While sitting alone in her hut, she had written an entire album (which she’d recorded quickly upon her return), titled “Songs of Love & Despair for the Universe & Justin.” Jordan has no formal music-composition training, but shamanism has been known to engender spontaneous musical ability, and these sounded like gorgeous medicine songs. I listened and cried as her music told the story of sitting alone in her hut, longing to return to our shared bed, knowing in her heart that that chapter of our lives had come to a sudden unfair close, but that our Love would never die.

Over this last year, we tried being friends, but would keep making out and then crying, so a few months ago I suggested that we take some space for a while. We saw each other again for the first time a few weeks ago. She said she was considering going to Burning Man (the home of many epic romantic adventures for us) for a few days, and I asked if she’d like to hang out a bit on playa if she did make it. She said that sounded really intense and probably not a good idea, and I said I understood. But on the night before the Man burned, she showed up at my camp, and we set out on a 2-person adventure for the evening.

It had been years since we’d raced around Burning Man together, but it was deeply familiar and magical. We stumbled on strange objects in deep playa, danced together near small art cars, laughed ourselves silly at the trash fence next to deformed aliens and freedom-fighting catstronauts. We entertained each other with snarky remarks about art, shared insights on mysticism that we’d unearthed during our time apart, laughed and cried as we remembered our past with our private idiolect. She told me I would always be her soulmate.

She led the adventure, and I followed her wherever her whims took us, until we found ourselves at a magnificent giant heart that emanated rainbows, atop a double helix / healer’s staff / two interwoven vines. We sat at its base, staring up in wonder, discussing love & beauty.

I asked her if she wanted to climb up the helix and sit inside the heart, which was clearly both possible and difficult. She was down for the adventure, and an adventure it was. It was so beautiful inside, held in a rainbow waterfall womb. In the center of the heart was a flat wooden heart, into which had been laser-cut a poem. Every line spoke to us, culminating with “They didn’t fall in love. They ascended to it.”

Around the giant heart were embedded smaller wooden hearts, with sweet little laser-cut quotes about love. I followed her attention, until she read one that made her stop. It read, “Love changes forms; it has no end.” She stared at it, bewildered, before stuttering, “That’s… that’s a line, from a song I wrote you. I… I promise I didn’t trick you into coming up here, I didn’t put that there.” Eventually I told her, “I did.” “No, you’re fucking with me.” “I’m not,” I convinced her, “I helped fund this art piece on Kickstarter, in exchange for being able to choose what one of the hearts would say, so we could have this moment.”

We had only one handkerchief between us, which proved grossly insufficient for our tears and snot as we sobbed and held each other for the next few hours. We mourned the greatest tragedy of our lives, that our love had changed forms. We shared gratitude for the greatest gift of our lives, our love that has no end. I told her that our romantic partnership was the first major person or thing in my life to have died, and it was my favorite thing. She told me this was the best lovemaking of her life, and we celebrated that we could enjoy our most romantic experience together ever, a full year after breaking up. We stared at the line from her song, sitting in what for us was (literally) the heart of the heart of the heart of civilization.

Appropriately, climbing out of the heart proved more difficult than climbing into it. Lying together in the Temple, watching the sun rise to bring a new day, we shared fantasies for a new epic friendship between us, and plotted ways to enjoy the eros and agape of co-creation, without the sexual. Later, we held hands as we watched that temple burn.

Thank you to Jeremy Richardson and the entire Ascension crew. And thank you to Jordana Grader for the love of a lifetime.

Love changes forms. It has no end.

Justin would like to thank The Academy … Epic, Judy, epic, if one is a high school sophomore. Jaysus.


Update: Whew! After Donkey’s grueling day, getting up at noon and skimming articles online, she sure could use a break:


11. Make time to play. Focus on ways you can have fun and get re-energized. Whether it’s a solitary hike or dinner and a movie with friends, enjoy yourself.

Bottom Picture: You & Kitty Kittay will be the belles of the Camp Septic Orgy Tent in your new Ali Shanti Porn Star Lashes(TM)!


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