And guess what? Donkey is an asshole, and her supposed “sister” was onto her right from the start!
Unfortunately, where I live in the Bay Area, I’m surrounded by people who were fans of my ex’s music before they became friends with us, so everyone just wants to stay neutral, so they can still be friends with him. As a result, I have had very few outlets to express how I feel, and almost no support from anyone in the Mystic “community” (pretty painful, since I thought these people were some of my closest friends).
Julia has been an extremely polarizing figure in the community since she moved to the Bay. There are a lot of people who really didn’t like her off the bat (not even knowing anything about her history), and then some people who care a lot about money/status/material crap and basically, because she was on the cover of “Wired,” deemed her to be a desirable person to be friends with. It’s been really interesting to see the divide in the group since she came in — her presence caused a separation between the more superficial, materialistic people, and the people who see through her bullshit.
From the get go, she became highly enamored with me via Facebook. She asked if she could interview me for her book, asked me to hook her up with my costume designers, consistently came to me for advice on what festivals to go to, how to become a performer, etc, and asked me to persuade a company I was working for to “sponsor” her and give her free costumes (my real job is social media marketing — needless to say, upon seeing the surprising lack of engagement on her posts for the amount of “followers” she has (are they real?)… the company was not interested).
I had not actually met her in person. I only knew her over Facebook and knew we had mutual friends. Because I trusted them, I assumed she was someone I should help out. Then I met her for the first time, briefly, and wasn’t impressed… then we hung out in person only one time at one of David Block’s shows, and I was really turned off and uncomfortable around her. I actually left early because the way she was treating him, and the way she was behaving in general, was pretty much the epitome of what I DON’T want to be around (entitled, self-serving, egocentric, condescending, completely in her own head).
But even though we only saw each other in person a few times and only really hung out in person once, for over a year and a half, she made a HUGE effort to be a “sister” to me. She sent me a shitload of Coobie bras, constantly reached out, was always playing the good friend/”sister” role when I would post anything indicating that I was sad or upset. She invited me to things constantly but I just never really felt comfortable with her languaging, her posts, the overall attitude, so I never went. The reason I posted about performing with her and David in April was because she invited me to, it was my first opportunity to dance since the breakup, and I wanted to perform to prove to myself that I still could without my ex (but was not stoked on hanging out with her, at all). But guess what? Surprise surprise, she completely flaked and disappeared that night at the very last minute, so I never got to do the performance.
When I finally found out that she and Rain had been secretly seeing each other since only weeks after we broke up– before he and I had even a single conversation, and very shortly after I called her to pour my heart out and ask for “sister” support– it was because a big group of women in the community felt so disgusted with them for hiding it from me, they actually came to my house and sat me down to break the news. Rain and Julia had been asking everyone to keep it a secret from me for a month and a half. People were so uncomfortable keeping this secret for them, some of my friends actually just stopped talking to me altogether, because it didn’t feel right to them to talk without telling me, but they also felt like I deserved to hear it from Rain, instead of a third party.
So by the time I found out, yes, ALL of my friends knew, and had known for a long time, well before I did. When one of the friends who broke the news to me called Rain to let him know they had spilled the beans, Rain STILL did not reach out to me to say anything. I waited for 4 days, in the most crushed, heartbroken state I have ever experienced, with no explanation, no communication, and no idea what the fuck was going on, except that my friends said she had been pursuing him hard.
So I finally broke down and called her. He wouldn’t respond at all, and I was fucking dying, desperately wanting answers and an explanation. She picked up, and I let her have it for over an hour – super vulnerable, bawling, sobbing, pouring my heart out. She responded in the most condescending, belittling, demeaning ways you could possibly imagine. No apologies, no accountability, no compassion, at all. Just things like “oh, but I didn’t mean to fall in love with him” (how can you have sex with someone repeatedly and “not mean to fall in love with them”? It’s outrageous for a person in their 30’s to play dumb in this regard). She would only talk about her past experiences with Devin and how she had somehow been able to convince herself that this was all OK because of what she went through with him. Then, over an hour and a half into the call, Rain’s voice comes on the phone. Turns out, he had been there, secretly listening in, the whole time. She never once told me that he was there, or that he was listening to our call. Nobody has done that shit to me since middle school. I told them that I would never want to be friends with people who would do something like that to me, and told her that if she ever tries to contact me again, I will file a report for harassment. I texted her once after that and said “karma is coming.” She responded hysterically, saying I was “threatening” her.
I could go on and on. It’s just been so insanely painful. And no, I don’t think she will be dancing with him, because I’m pretty sure she knows how awful that would look in the eyes of the community at large, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want her performances to be compared to mine. I honestly wouldn’t care if she did, because it would only make her look even worse.
The only solace I can take in all this, is that my biggest fear was that Rain would start dating someone who I admired and respected. It actually makes it easier for me to let go of him, because if he could be attracted to someone like her, and blinded by her bullshit, then he is not the kind of person I’d even want to be friends with again.
Oh, and I find the fact that she is writing a book on happiness to be so tragically ironic… how can you go around making so many people so unhappy, then decide you are an expert on teaching people how to be happy?
Thanks so much for your kindness, everyone. I actually do feel much better now. I really needed this, and it felt really good to write that out just now. You’ll be happy to know that I have been writing a book for a long time, a collection of non-fiction stories about my life, and I will absolutely be writing about this, and will not be using pseudonyms or covering up who she is or what she did, at all. I have a meeting next week with a major author who is helping me get it published. I’ll let ya’ll know when its coming out.