Pimpin’ With Skankatron 3000B

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Boulder “goddess” Ali Shanti continues to navel gaze away, experiencing crisis after crisis, which she duly posts on Facebook. On & on & on about how she bawled all the way through “Captain Fantastic” because Viggo Mortensen was living the life she wanted – I had planned on seeing the film, but now I’d just feel dirty sitting through it. Posts about how she used to be “relationally quite retarded” but now surrenders to what’s comfortable … until she has another crisis three hours later. Shaddup already!

Of course, Shantitown wouldn’t be Shantitown if she didn’t didn’t have several schemes a brewin’. She’s thinking of restarting “The Whole Truth Show” – was that the shitshow in which she blabbed on & on & on about relationship while crying off her rhinestones? I can’t keep track. She, or rather “Alexis Neely,” just did a video shoot “for our all new Estate Planning training for awesome lawyers. We call it Legal Life Planning.” She’s now training attorneys to get their hands on retirees’ life savings?! Creepy, too, how Ali kept blithering on about her makeup “transformation into Alexis.”

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Another new scheme is a website called – wait for it – Hot House Boy! Is the old raunch finally coming to terms with her inner pimp? Should we be looking forward to a new persona, say, Goddess Detroit or Mack Shanti?

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On the new site will Ali’s boy toy Rainbow be the hooker specializing in foot fetishes?

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Bottom Picture: Jena la Flamme lands in Peru, for no other purpose than to play cultural tourist. #pleasurableethnicchic #purposefreeexistence

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Updated: Join Donkey As She Learns NLP, The Secret Sauce Of Every Successful Woo Grifter

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It was inevitable that Judy would start looking into courses in NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), despite this approach to personal development being thoroughly discredited by the scientific community. The woos all swear by NLP’s bizarre mixture of neurological processing, language acquisition, and behavioral modification as a means to accomplish just about anything, from mastering your money map to pleasurable dieting, and we’ve seen how successful many NLP practitioners have become, from Ali “No Bedroom Curtains” Shanti to Jena “Insurance Fraud” la Flamme.

Unfortunately, our burro won’t get the instant gratification she desires at NLP Marin. They may offer the “the finest Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) training in the world,” but training is a three-year investment, not exactly a weekend with Tony Robbins and Judy has an attention span the size of a sesame seed. Harvard Business School, Part Deux?

Advice for Peter Baugher: Decline to provide three years of financial support on a “learning investment” that will never pay off in the end. Your donkey attended three goddamn “Dates with Destiny,” and she still couldn’t honor her contract with St. Martin’s.

Update: Look who posted about our burro’s attachment to Tony and NLP!

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And look who appeared among the many comments – Smellsberg’s old piece, Circe Nightshade!

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Updated: Malodorous Woos: Donkey & “Tribe” Stink Up Encinitas

Award-winning Tribune Media Services columnist Julia Allison gets her aya on during Jess Johnson’s July kegger:

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Jess, Ariel White, and Michael Hrostoski meditate – melding minds and changing the course of history:

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Post meditation, relax in the …

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As Jashssss caterwauls away, Michael Ellsberg’s batshit insane former piece, Amber Hartnell, looks on:

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The Encinitas experience wouldn’t be complete without a rap tribute from the new Eminem, Jonathan Budd, CEO & Founder at Empowered Entrepreneurs Inc. After claiming that we’d all be drug addicts if it weren’t for Jess Johnson’s music, the Buddsters really gets going:

Fuck the Son of Sam
It’s time for the Encinitas clan
To reclaim the throne of man.

Always so goddamn high on their own fucking fumes.

Update: Judging from the comments on Jess’s FB page, you’d think the Buddsters shitty rap was Joni Mitchell’s “Rainy Night House” or Beethoven’s 7th Symphony. #pleasurablestendhalsyndrome

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Over on Donkey’s FB page, she’s still busy getting back at Dadsers and Momsers for canceling her country club birthday party:

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Aw, shoot! Donkey deleted her crowdsourcing post re: contacts at Google, etc., and there was some interesting banter going on between her and other folks about Randi Zuckerberg. That’ll teach me to save the funny stuff immediately.

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Did Donkey & RBD Inspire “Internet Famous” Comedy?

“Internet Famous,” a low-budget indie about microcelebrity that was recently released online (iTunes & Netflix), might be poking fun at our very own burro, Julia Allison. One of the YouTube “sensations” depicted in the film is named Amber Day(!) and appears to be a cross between Donkey and her “girl” Taryn Southern.

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Re: RBD, take a look at the ad below. Remind you of our beloved Cuntbunnies? Writer/Director Michael J. Gallagher, founder of “Totally Sketch,” obviously read the third most popular issue of “Wired” and must have spent some time in the basement.

Thanks to Brayella for the alert. Franzia & Cheetos for everyone!

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Updated: Judy Albertson: A Vision Of Loveliness

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(Clothing courtesy of Fresno’s Barnum and Bailey’s outlet.)

Holy merde, who’s that burnt out cougar in the above fauxto? Wait … is that our burro?! Why would her soul sister, Alea Rain, post such an unflattering snapshot?! Or is the Ali Shanti, tired old leatherface look all the woo rage? Maybe I’m just too unsophisticated to appreciate this “living work of art? Must be, because Donkey shared this rather shocking image on her own wall.

Speaking of living works of art, yesterday’s walk down injectables lane was more inspiring than a visit to LACMA. Among the nearly 100 fauxtos uploaded by our burro, the Cookie the Clown collection had me absolutely swooning:

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Update: Judy received a whopping five comments re: yesterday’s fauxto hysteria:

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