Being an adult is hard y’all, as I can attest. This morning, I woke up, ate left-over ceviche for breakfast, rocked out to the Pet Shop Boys, thought fondly of my lover Jacy and debated doing laundry. It was all just too, too much. But my adulthood isn’t the impossibility that is Julia Allison’s. I may be unemployed, but at least I own my Nissan Versa and am not shackled to the institutionalized slavery of my luxury car lease.
As you may recall, making the financially irresponsible decision to blow money on a Mercedes lease was a source of existential dread for our Donkey. But at least she had the wherewithal to subsidize her do-nothing lifestyle by turning her $6,000 a month apartment into a boutique beach-side resort with cable, thanks to AirBnB. Now she doesn’t have a home to share for the price of $400 a night, so for months she’s been attempting to pimp out her bitch Mercedes to help pay for her exorbitant car lease.
That sounds like a crazy ingenious solution to get some quick cash! There’s just one problem. Julia Allison’s Mercedes is not Julia Allison’s Mercedes to lend out. Had she taken that Intro to Adulthood class at the Learning Annex, and please restrain your shock and amazement when I tell you this, Julia Allison does not own her car. Mercedes owns it. She is merely renting it. And surprise of surprises, even if she decided to buy a big-girl vehicle of her very own, the bank would own her C Class until her note was paid in full. What does Mercedes think of selling out your rented coche like it’s some cooch for sale? Well, it’s frowned upon. According to the automaker’s The First Class Lease®, who can drive a leased Mercedes?
Persons listed as lessee or co-lessee on The First Class Lease® and those who are insured under your current policy and have a valid driver’s license.
Oops! I hope Mercedes doesn’t find out. I’m sure they would be upset.
Here’s just a haphazard collection of instances in which this donkey has claimed to be writing a book and/or a book proposal.
July 25, 2012. Unpublished New York Observer article that Donk felt necessary to post to Facebook because the world needed to know all about her:
Oh honey. She’s apparently been working on her “book proposal” for a year. What exactly has she been working on since last July that has prevented her from finishing her “book proposal?” What’s that? Absolutely nothing? From an October, 2012 interview:
Wall Street Journal, October 2012:
I had never seen this Huffington Post interview before, from March 2009, and it is pretty hilarious. Honey, it’s four years later. How are those goals coming along? One year to go for you to sell a company, a TV show, a screenplay and a book! Also — where is your fucking dog?
Below are various Father’s Day status updates gleaned from Facebook. Can you tell which one was written by a narcissistic asshole?
1. Love you and miss you everyday. Know your wisdom still guides me and always will.
2. Happy Father’s Day to my own wonderful father, [REDACTED] and my new father-in-law, [REDACTED]. So lucky to have you both in my life!
3. Happy Father’s Day Daddy!
4. Happy Father’s Day, everyone! I’m so happy to have had so many great fathers in my life, and I’m especially glad to have such a great father for my little guy (aka Mini [REDACTED]). Matching shirts for dad’s day!
5. It’s so strange to think that my father was MY AGE when I was born. Happy Father’s day to an amazing dad, who always loved me, even when it meant I had to negotiate with him for a “reasonable” curfew. And an allowance. And a reduction in chores. And … well, pretty much everything. What can I say? I’m a lawyer’s daughter, my friends. And I always will be.
6. Happy Fathers Day to one of the greats! You know you are an amazing father when your son writes in a school paper that you are his hero and he wants to be just like you when he grows up. Love you and I’m thankful for all that you do!
7. Happy Father’s Day to my Love, he is an AMAZING Daddy!
8. I am posting my dads pic as my profile to honor my father for fathers day. If I could be half the man my father is, I know I’m doing things right. Thank you for teaching me how to be a great dad and husband.
9. Yep, that’s my dad! The Man. They Myth. The Legend. Happy Father’s Day to [REDACTED]!!
10. To the awesome men in my life… Happy Fathers Day!
She’s a tech nerd, everyone! Wrote a tech column! So very, very tech-y!