Avocado Alert: Julia Allison Is Thinking About Parenting

donkey 2

Not a bad set of rules, although they could use a dash of softness, in Donkey’s latest on-the-hour Facebook dropping. Does “Janell Hoffman” sound suspiciously like Peter Baugher?

Now *this* is the way I want to parent, should I one day have the privilege of doing so. Impressive.
****
Greg Hoffman is a kid who just got an iPhone from his parents. His mom, Janell Hoffman, wrote these [slightly edited] rules for its use:
1. It is my phone. I bought it. I pay for it. I am loaning it to you. Aren’t I the greatest?
2. I will always know the password.
3. If it rings, answer it. It is a phone. Say hello, use your manners. Do not ever ignore a phone call if the screen reads “Mom” or “Dad”. Not ever.
4. Hand the phone to one of your parents promptly at 7:30pm every school night & every weekend night at 9:00pm. It will be shut off for the night and turned on again at 7:30am. If you would not make a call to someone’s land line, wherein their parents may answer first, then do not call or text. Listen to those instincts and respect other families like we would like to be respected.
5. It does not go to school with you. Have a conversation with the people you text in person. It’s a life skill.
6. If it falls into the toilet, smashes on the ground, or vanishes into thin air, you are responsible for the replacement costs or repairs.
7. Do not use this technology to lie, fool, or deceive another human being. Do not involve yourself in conversations that are hurtful to others. Be a good friend first or stay the hell out of the crossfire.
8-9. Do not text, email, or say anything through this device you would not say in person.
10. No porn.
11. Turn it off, silence it, put it away in public. Especially in a restaurant, at the movies, or while speaking with another human being. You are not a rude person; do not allow the iPhone to change that.
12. Do not send or receive pictures of your private parts or anyone else’s private parts. Don’t laugh. Someday you will be tempted to do this despite your high intelligence. It is risky and could ruin your teenage/college/adult life. It is always a bad idea. Cyberspace is vast and more powerful than you. And it is hard to make anything of this magnitude disappear — including a bad reputation.
13. Don’t take a zillion pictures and videos. There is no need to document everything. Live your experiences. They will be stored in your memory for eternity.
14. Leave your phone home sometimes and feel safe and secure in that decision. It is not alive or an extension of you. Learn to live without it. Be bigger and more powerful than FOMO — fear of missing out.
15. Download music that is new or classic or different than the millions of your peers that listen to the same exact stuff. Your generation has access to music like never before in history. Take advantage of that gift. Expand your horizons.
16. Play a game with words or puzzles or brain teasers every now and then.
17. Keep your eyes up. See the world happening around you. Stare out a window. Listen to the birds. Take a walk. Talk to a stranger. Wonder without googling.
18. You will mess up. I will take away your phone. We will sit down and talk about it. We will start over again. You & I, we are always learning. I am on your team. We are in this together.

Posted in Uncategorized | 73 Comments

God Tells Donks To Get A God Damn Job

Donkey had a spiritual experience yesterday. God led to her a book that, as Steve Anderson, who is clearly onto a donkey, points out, matches her nails. But if she were guided by providence, as she claims, it’s sad that even God is telling her to GET A FUCKING JOB.

Screen shot 2014-07-23 at 5.20.33 AMAlso? You don’t have a home in New York. Also, also? Shut the fuck up.

Posted in Uncategorized | 48 Comments

Donks Admits There Is No Reason For Her To Write A Book

tumblr_n43iq9BXx71qz700qo1_500

Like, I know she’s joking, but you know she kinda isn’t. Anyway, here is the key to happiness from our favorite hippie racist/mistress of bliss Caiaieleei Blah. I didn’t actually read this hip-thrusting idiot’s advice, because I think I have hit my limit on hippie bullshit for this lifetime, but from what I skimmed, I wonder if she would describe Maya Angelou as an “Oakland type.

Screen shot 2014-07-22 at 12.58.53 AM

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | 224 Comments

For Release: Julia Allison Again Promises to Leave Social Media and Doesn’t!

Julia-Allison-2-1

Promises, promises! Our bow-legged donkey posts a manuscript-length Facebook missive about leaving Facebook and going dark on social media — mark PAID! if you want her attention — and even we at The Wilmette Beacon don’t fall for it a second time. Guess we made the right call as Julia has been posting non-stop, everything from a Coobie bra commercial to a ditzy Brit — don’t you just love those accents that scream sophistication? — on the “God in all of us” to doggie dress up fauxtos. Now more than ever: SAVE LILLY!

doggie

Posted in Uncategorized | 114 Comments

Here’s A Nice Natural Pose

What the hell?

linebacker

Posted in Uncategorized | 94 Comments