Julia Allison Is San Francisco’s Answer To Jeff Foxworthy – HILARIOUS!

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Donkey may be dark on Facebook, but these tweets are golden and sure to go viral:

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN SF WHEN … you go to a healing workshop, a girl is wearing an “Oh KALE yeah!” teeshirt … and you kinda want one too.

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN SF WHEN … the invite to a FB event calls for “sexy yoga chic.” And you have a lot of it in your closet. Like, A LOT.

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN SF WHEN … You start a double date by meditating together. Seriously, guys. This happened to me. IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN SF WHEN … your girl friend says about her ex – with no irony: “But astrologically speaking, we’re really compatible.”

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN SF WHEN … you text a friend a party invite & she texts back, “Sounds like a heteronormative event?”

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN SF WHEN … you invite all your girl friends over for a “vision boarding session.” And everyone knows what that is.

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN SF WHEN … your Facebook feed features articles like “Shaman Claus: The New Age Origins of Christmas.”

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN SF WHEN … you tell your roommate that a guy at the song ceremony you recently attended “liked her feminine essence.”

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN SF WHEN … a friend of yours says, “my dog is the reincarnated spirit of my dead horse.” AND SHE’S SERIOUS.

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN SF WHEN … a girl you just met tells you, “My mom ran away with a wizard.” With absolutely NO trace of irony.

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN SF WHEN … at a dinner party, you ask someone how they know the host and they say, “We share a certain resonance.”

Stop, stop, no more, Rainbow, tee hee hee!

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Jena La Flamme Loves Julia Allison SO MUCH, She Thanked Her Twice!

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A gracious kit kat directed me to Jena La Phlegm’s OMG! diet book’s Amazon page, where I noted the dedication to Michael Ellsberg – “This book will always be our baby” – and hurriedly attempted to get past the introduction, “The Feminine Power of Pleasure,” which includes more variations of the term “pleasure” than the number of times the word “bad” appears in a recent review of the Johnny Depp/Goopy Paltrow bomb, “Mortdecai.”

But forget about any chapter in the pointless woo book, just one step up from Vanity Press, it’s the batshit insane acknowledgments page pages that give one pause.  I’VE NEVER ENCOUNTERED ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS THIS EXTENSIVE, not even when reading Barbara Tuchman’s “The Guns of August.” Presumably La Phlegm is banking on every woo given a shout out to buy this drivel.  And if that weren’t enough, the “Surprise Me” link features woo encomium after woo encomium for Jena’s slim volume, “which has turned the weight loss industry on its head.”  Thanks for the insight, Alexis Neely/Ali Shanti!

About those acknowledgments: Jena literally gives everyone from Rabbi Rapist to Bear Kittay to Julia Allison a deep (deep!) thanks.  Actually, she thanks Donkey, one of “the extraordinary women in my life,” twice in the same paragraph, first as Julia Allison and then, after another 25 names, Julia Alison.  It’s so nice to be remembered, eh, Michael?

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Wooville Update … Because These Are Julia Allison’s Compatriots

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“No, Gilly, no! We’re still salivating over Donkey’s AirBNB listing and don’t want to hear about those feelthy bottom feeders!”

Those unwashed bottom feeders are all Juliar has left, kittens. They’re the only folks still willing to take her calls and even they won’t be around for long, so let’s point & giggle while circling the bottom of the drain.

Jena La Phlegm threw a party, drumroll, “The Pleasure Zone of Erotic Innocence” AKA ***The Pleasurable Weight Loss Book Launch Party*** and pleasurably thanked her ex-husband and BDSM playmate, Stinky Smellsberg:

Sigh… We co-created something and we just launched it into the world. It was emotional for both of us.

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Meanwhile, Smellsberg posted an endless, and I do mean endless, screed that’s both an Eben-esque ploy to get women into bed and a shill for his pimping services. I only made it through the opening and closing paragraphs, and then promptly vommed in the shower:

How to Be a Woman’s Best Sexy Friend

For women who are mostly into men, a woman’s Best Sexy Friend is the sexually experienced man she can explore her sexuality with (or aspects of her sexuality that have been repressed, and that she wants to unleash) without the pressures of a relationship, and without fear of being judged or shamed for her sexuality. Often, this is in service to her finding “The One”–in service to her being totally sexually open, awakened, alive and ready for her match.

This is different than a “fuck buddy” because I take the word *friend* VERY seriously. When you are woman’s best sexy friend, you are showing up for her first and foremost as a FRIEND–a true friend–in the realm of sexuality, and beyond. Instead of being her BFF, you are her BSF. There is a code of honor for earning the privilege of being a woman’s BSF, and I take that code very seriously.

—————————————————————————-

There are probably more Rules in the Code of Honor for Being a Woman’s Best Sexy Friend, but these are the main ones I can think of now. Guys, if you practice this Code of Honor impeccably, she will feel totally safe, honored, respected, and seen in your presence, and she will feel totally comfortable and excited to explore her sexuality with you, even the “freaky” and naughty sides that she rarely lets out otherwise. Life gets really exciting, really fast, when this happens.

Guys, if you want to learn how to be a woman’s Best Sexy Friend, in a way that will have her totally grateful to have you in her life, join my email list for this at the bottom of this page here (http://bit.ly/1EglG0o).

And Ladies, if you’d like to learn how to find a male Best Sexy Friend that you trust, and can explore with safely, join my email list for women, at the bottom of that page too. I believe all single women should have a BSF while they search for The One, and I have a lot of thoughts to share on how to find one.

I’m going to be writing a lot more on this to these private lists, one for men and one for women, in the coming months.

I have also set up secret FB groups, one for men and one for women, to discuss how to find a BSF, and how to be a great BSF to each other. Let me know in the comments section or in private message if you’d like to be a part of these groups.

And, once I have a critical mass of both genders in these groups, I’ll start matchmaking!

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Ali Shanti, thuch a theckthy goddess!  I didn’t think it was possible, but Ye Olde Raunch found even more justification for her greedy, narcissistic, inconsiderate – did I leave anything out? – ways, which should come in handy the next time she’s trying to wear down her 70-year-old mother and steal the retiree’s meager savings, because the world needs more Ali Shitty videos:

“Practice ‘Selfish Generosity’ by recognizing that selfish is the new sexy.” – Garrison Cohen

Please spread the word.

Your selfishness (in the form of infinite self care, adornment, recognition of your wholeness) is the sexiest thing imaginable. And from that place, there is no limit on your generosity. You can truly give it all away. From the overflow.

This is (y)our birthright.

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Cuckoobird’s Pathetisad “Vision” Board

Cupcake Cray Cray has studied this atrocity via the Donk’s Airbnb listing. His/her observations of a “Nutbar’s Vision” are below.

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going (mostly) clockwise, starting at the top left:

1) “If you’re not doing something crazy, you’re doing the wrong things.” riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. but you’re not just doing ‘something’ crazy, you are doing EVERYTHING crazy.

2) “A New American Sweetheart” she’s proud of how she’s so quirky and different and BURNING MAN, yet she wants to be america’s sweetheart? good luck with that. this is also tina fey’s vanity fair magazine cover. honey, you wish you could be as talented as tina fey.

3) the first photo of julia on the board, but this is not just julia, no. if you zoom in, you’ll recognize this is a photo from the devin’s ‘virgin’ visit to burning man, and they’re kissing/hugging inside the “LOVE” art installation. they’ve been broken up for going on a year now, but she has a photo of the two of them on her ‘vision board’ (and if your response to that is “oh, cupcake cray cray, this could be an old photo of the vision board,” please, just wait…)

4) this is a photo chris noth and sarah jessica parker. I believe it might be a still from one of the sex and the city movies (yes, I saw both, sue me), as opposed to the show, but I’m not sure. awwww, she’s so quirky and different and BURNING MAN and she’s SOOOOOO OVER NEW YORK, yet she still identifies with carrie on her quest to bag her own mr. big.

5) as if the first SATC photo wasn’t enough, here we have the ‘photo’ of carrie bradshaw that appeared in ‘vogue’ in the first SATC movie. so it’s not just a generic photo of a bride in a pretty gown, it’s a photo of ‘carrie bradshaw, the bride, posing for vogue.’ again, tell us again how you’re SO QUIRKY AND ALTERNATIVE AND BURNING MAN!

6) the second photo of her on this board, this is the black & white photo of her in her ‘wedding dress’ from her self-wedding at burning man. so no, this photo of the ‘vision board’ is no more than maybe six months old, very obviously taken post-devin-breakup.

7) “Make New Friends, Keep the Old” what old friends have you ever managed to keep, julia? okay, okay, maybe two friends from high school, OUT OF A CAST OF THOUSANDS.

8) the third photo of her on this board, her ‘playa barbie’ photo. again, even when she’s trying to be quirky and weird at burning man, she still is a basic bitch, and the joke of that art installation went right over her fat, empty head.

9) a photo of a pink beach cruiser. yay! pink! I ride my bike! (is this cupcake, the bike forgotten in nyc? my poor namesake…)

10) this is a money magazine cover, and it says “Grow Richer Together: Couples + Money” julia, you picked the wrong cover, you meant to cut out the one that says “Grow Richer With His Money: Hunting Down a Fat Wallet to Marry”

11) the fourth photo of julia on the board, this is julia at her 30th birthday party in tahoe, in that awful pink prom gown (remember, the one that randi was 500 months pregnant in?), wearing a tiara. the last ‘big’ birthday party she was able to wrangle, where senator mccain’s son surprised her after he said he couldn’t make it to tahoe because he had to study. what, no pictures of her 31st birthday chicken? or her 32nd birthday at some griftery woo conference in palm springs? so strange.

12) the fifth and sixth photos of julia on this board, it’s just her in a photobooth. julia in the bottom picture is looking up, as though she’s looking at the julia in the top photo. so creative! so fun! such vision! so aspirational!

there’s all sorts of other nuttery on the board (like the valentine’s day card located at 3 o’clock from photo 11–I wonder if she received that from a friend or just bought it for herself), but I had to stop. it’s no better than reading one of her stupid diaries written in bubbly letters with a pink gel pen, except she put this on the website as a DRAW for people to come overpay to stay in her schizophrenically (not a word, don’t care) decorated apartment. this chick is absolutely cracked out of her mind.

and with this, I think I’ve finally completed my PhDonk …

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Donk Charges a Fortune For a Freak Pad

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Seriously, go check out the photos of her laundry room. Would you rent an apartment from this lunatic?

Good news: It’s wide open in February!

A review from earlier this month; sounds like a donkey vacated the stall:

This apartment was great! Everything went according to plan, Julia’s roommate was there to let us in and show us around. The apartment was so spacious and had a great living area. We spent most of our time in the apartment on those great couches! Both Julia and her roommate were great at responding to questions. It was my first time to San Franscico and this apartment made the trip even better!

And here’s a review from October. Apparently some people don’t know that the rental comes with a poor, sad dog.

Julia’s room is nice and arty. She has a good taste for the style. The location can’t be beaten, with five minute’s run to the beach. The neighborhood is friendly. I wish I can spend more time jogging there. would be greater if Julia could update that she has a cute puppy in the apt so that I am prepared.

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