Updated, Jordo Evolves, Francesca Gushes: Shilllmeister Jordan Reid Continues To Hawk Crap Despite Her Near Destruction 2 Weeks Ago

Ads for cheap minute rice adorn Jordo’s IG story feed. Delicious! But it gets better … and weirder.

This is Sweet Bu: a shoebox-sized candy shop tucked into a corner of Trancas County Market, within throwing distance of Malibu Beach. It’s maybe 200 square feet, but you can easily lose an hour in there, as I did yesterday when I stopped in in search of some gummy sushi (yes) for my daughter’s fifth birthday.

The shop is a full-on Wonka paradise, packed from floor to ceiling with everything from sweet retro favorites (Bubble Tape! Abba Zabba!) to candy-themed toys and gifts to bespoke, surfboard-shaped dog biscuits packed into mason jars and tied with jaunty ribbons (this is Malibu, remember). In the weeks before she opened the doors last year, the owner, Melissa Smith, took her two children around to local antique shops, stocking up on vintage signs and old-school gumball machines to give the store the vibe of the beloved neighborhood hangout that it’s since become.

———-

Let me be clear: If I were to walk into a candy store and see that they were selling a signature perfume oil, I would not expect it to be good. I would expect it to smell like a perfume I would have geeked out over at Rite Aid in 1989 because it was packaged in a plastic glitter heart and dispensed with, like, a bubble wand.

But this oil smells like summer in a bottle. Like sand, and sunscreen, with the lightest hint of coconut and vanilla – and it’s only $25. Oh!

The gushy post is accompanied by several fauxtos. In the comments we learn more about the shoppe’s owner:

Oh, Jordo. You ARE creepy.

Update: The Malibu goddess experiences a startling revelation: SHE’S THE PROBLEM!

i’ve been thinking a lot about chaos lately. and what i’ve started to realize over the past few weeks, as i’ve made a conscious effort to slow. the f. down and feel the odd feeling or two (ughh) is that so much of the chaos i thought i was just being *subjected* to – because of circumstances or luck or other people’s choices (!) or what have you – was, in fact, created. by me.

i’ve spent the past year (decade? lifetime?) trying to distrac myself from what’s right there in front of me, because i was scared i wouldn’t like what i saw if i took a good, hard, unfiltered look in the mirror. i think – sorry, i know – that it’s time to start paying attention. for better or for worse. as they say.

This well-timed confession, namely that Jordo needs to pay more attention to ME ME ME, is accompanied not by an ad for frozen pizza but by this glamour shot:

nicoletta_francesca_
Absolute love, truth, grace and beauty is alive within you and always has been.
I too have endured much of the same chaos as the years passed on by, and these days I’ve chosen the art of living in gratitude even through the toughest of tough times.

The way you write with such fluidity and ease and truth is your gift of grace that inspires this world and will continue to inspire for all the days of your life and the lives of others far beyond this realm.

Your legacy of love won’t ever fail you because you’re strength, courage and bravery incarnate. Keep on sharing your truths because it will only keep on inspiring and opening the hearts of those who need it most and even others who are yet to realize how precious this lifetime lived and learned by heart is the greatest gift of all.

So much glorious love to you and all that you do, feel and share…beautiful woman x
Adult-adulting is both brutal and awesome. 💕

Jordo had an encounter with brutality just a few weeks back, didn’t she, Francesca?

81 COMMENTS

    • She bought a HELL OF A LOT of followers. I have 50k and if I do a give-a-way – I get 300 entries, minimum. One, I got 2,000 and the value was only $25… how she is only getting 15 entries for a $100 gift card – something shady is going on.

      • She’s a sneaky little thing, even more so than Donk at her most unethical.

        • My take is less dumb and less lazy. Donk wouldn’t hesitate doing the same if not for the effort and brain power it requires. In fact she HAS done the same (buying followers, shilling for shit, whatever), hasn’t she? She just hasn’t been able to make a strange, toxic existence out of it because she has the dumbz and also it’s much more fun to simply sleep until 3 PM and then stalk masculines and have massages.

          • Donk thinks, and has always thought, that just showing up is enough work for her to put in on anything.

          • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

            Yep. Donk always wanted to be rich and famous just for being herself.

      • She’s lost 3k worth of followers the last month or so. So yeah, definitely appears to be purchased stans. She also follows several people with no picture, or a picture with zero posts and just following her.

        • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

          Following accounts with no photos, no posts, etc., is a sign of a shell account being used for purchased follows.

  1. “Complete transparency” has never been something Jordacted is willing to do. That commenter must be new to her blog.

    • JFAing myself to say I’m not referring to her personal life. Jordan has deliberately omitted disclosure of paid sponsor relationships literally hundreds of times. She is only honest if the post is for a current campaign AND the brand requires disclosure. This has been her policy for a decade now.

      • How authentic! And how apropos that she’s living next door to some Kartrashian.

    • “When it’s time to boil your ex’s ex’s bunny, the best tool, hands down, is the Instapot 6qt…. ” (link to Amazon)

      • “But what’s an appropriate ensemble for an outing like this? This isn’t a conundrum I ever anticipated making, but there you go. You could just wear crotchless cut-offs and a one-shoulder top with hooker heels. But that wouldn’t be … well, I want to say ‘special.’ Because this is not an occasion for the nonchalance I normally advocate.

        I didn’t want to risk damaging an item from my Rent the Runway Unlimited subscription. But I also only have six thousand garments in my home after doing a massive purge. (Full disclosure: There are another twelve thousand in my storage unit. But still!) Here’s a selection of pieces I think would inspire confidence and determination on a mission like this. Or would imbue, as I am wont to seek, the feeling of being effortlessly elegant and beautiful.

        Oh, and bonus points for rewarding yourself with a slice of Red Baron pizza and microwave rice when you get home. Sometimes, you need to shrug off the race for perfection. Or, you know, get delivery from Sugarfish. Because getting used uniforms and financial aid for your child’s private schooling leaves room in the budget for some hard-earned, well-deserved treats.”

        • Perfection! I wasn’t even halfway through the third and final paragraph – Sometimes, you need to shrug off the race for perfection. Or, you know, get delivery from Sugarfish. – before I wanted to ask for your hand in pair bonding. Is there a Camp Septic wedding in our future?

        • Jordan, is that you?

          BTW, after she was taken to task in the comments, Glambo amended the post to indicate the owner of the candy store is a friend of hers.

  2. Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

    She certainly is more and more like Donkey, because stalking the ex of an ex is totally up Donk’s alley

    • Totes. Donkey was stalking ex-girlfriends and one-nighters 10 years ago and nothing has changed. Her harassment of Rain’s new girlfriend should have ended in a 5150.

      Jordo only picks the best role models!

      • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

        That’s why I never bought into the belief that Jordo is just so cute and clever and better than Donkey. She just figured out how to monetize her navel-gazing blog, but is just as awful and mental as Donkey. They deserved one another

      • What kind of harrassment was Rain’s new GF getting? I know you can’t divulge much, but was it “we overlapped”, “I made him into who he is”, “he owes me money”, “he has herpes”, “he’s abusive”, or a rank Donkey soup of all of the above?

        • Actually, I can explain. Rain started dating an age appropriate non-woo about six months after dumping Judy for the final time. The poor woman was besieged by Donk, who immediately tried to friend her on FB and then sent message after message, going on and on about how she was friends with all her ex-beaus’ wives and girlfriends. Meanwhile, Donk was texting, phoning Rain 30-40 times a day. The new girlfriend was freaked out and asked Donkey to leave her alone. Judy’s response was to tell her that she didn’t believe in borders.

          • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

            Open Borders Donkey must’ve really loved it when she was with Chad and he was fucking every groupie who wanted him

          • That’s even worse than Skankatron- who reluctantly can hear a “hard no” after mere hours of browbeating.

          • She wants every ex of hers to announce to her and everyone else that she was the love of his life and changed him as a human being. It is to laugh. Or it would be, if it wasn’t so desperately sad.

          • Wait, wut?
            DONKERS WITHOUT BORDERS?
            Like, for real?

            LOL, someone please take that for a user name! It’s cracking me UP

          • Donk was just pissed the new girlfriend hadn’t done an interpretive dance on his birthday celebrating and honoring Rain’s former lovers. It’s a new compulsory tradition, bunnies, just like the annual Noah Baugher 5k in Wilmette.

      • I find it really kind of messed up (maybe I’m old-fashioned?) but she has said on her blog that she was friends with Ren, AKA Malibu Kenny and his wife (now ex) for years. I think there was perhaps…some boundary crossing there, but to each his/her/their own!

  3. What’s with the vaseline lens and neon makeup in that selfie? Like she’s a 50+ housewife who realises she peaked as a “Wake Me Up Before You GoGo”-era Wham fangirl.

    • The constant selfies are airbrushed to oblivion. In 10 years Jordo will be like Sally Field in that SNL sendup of Elizabeth Taylor’s “White Diamonds” commercial.

    • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

      She reminds me of this psycho on social media who’s nearly 70, but has blur filtered her profile pic so much that her nose is almost gone

    • She got free hideous makeup from a brand and didn’t want the well to go dry, so she made a half-assed attempt at shilling for more samples. I prefer to believe this rather than the more likely explanation that this post represented Jordan trying her best. As with her cluttered, dated, random-but-not artfully-so interior decorating, she’s really not good at beauty stuff.

      • Her latest thing is to make a post that LOOKS sponsored and will tag the shit out of companies trying to get there attention to shill. It’s super pathetic. Also, her one other money maker? Laura Ashley sheets. HA!

    • Jordan’s makeup skills are piss poor on her best day, she can’t branch out into the current neon craze because she has no clue how to properly scale it for a non-editorial look. She’s not Zendaya.

      • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

        She thinks she’s still the cutesy, twee 20-something she once was

      • And besides that, does she really want to draw attention to those peepers?

        0^o

  4. This looks like coach class in-flight food from Frontier airlines. YUM! Nothing like salmon shaped into salmon and steamed unseasoned broccoli!

      • I had no idea what it was, and who wants to eat salmon shaped like a gummi kiddie treat?

        • It took me a while to realize what I was looking at, too. Now the salmon cracks me up, but at the same time it’s pretty disgusting / offensive that some poor fish had to not only die but end up looking like this on top of it.

          • Someone asked what it was on the Instagram post. She said she got it at Costco! So basically, it’s the same as that separated chicken that’s made into nuggets, salmon style!

          • Render, bleach, and mold… Yum!

            I can’t make myself go back and look… What did she call it,
            gummy sushi?

          • not how you hold chopsticks either. she stuck them in the rice like dead-people’s incense and is balancing the top one on her forefinger.

  5. Also, a whopping 13 people are trying to win her contest. That’s pretty sad.

  6. OT: Skankatron recently attended a wedding in Ecuador, seemingly between a Central American and a North American person.

    “Many have prophesied this as the time of union of the condor and the eagle.

    Today, we see this prophecy come to life at a wedding that merges these two cultures, creating new possibilities for humanity, through the power of love. ❤️🙏🏼”

    I can’t find any info on this prophecy from anthropological sources (but it might very well be genuine, idk). I can only find references to it on a Woo tourist agency site (pachamama.org) that takes privileged white people on drug, er, cultural tours into the friendlier parts of Central America. Their site characterizes this prophecy as the Eagle being “intellect and the mind” vs the Condor being “wisdom and the heart”.

    In other words, you can just embrace Woo neo-colonialism and the concept of the wise but dumb and helpless noble savage, and stop all this ridiculous arguing about refugees on your southern border! Just merge the cultures already and learn to love each other!

    Tl:dr, these gross fucking hippies.

  7. My brain might be fried but Jordan went into shop of ex wife of the guy who lied about getting back with his ex-wife just to avoid to dating Jordan? Did I get that correct?
    Is she just looking for someone help her bash him?
    Move on weirdo, it was like two weeks.

    Also off topic: if anyone is interested I just did my first podcast as a guest in prep for starting my own.

    • No, it was the ex before that ex. The Malibu realtor. The guy whose daughter’s jacket she started wearing (also not creepy at all). This shop belongs to her mom.

      • Also the guy whose very young daughter she put on her YouTube and blog as soon as she could. And whose photo she included, along with his son, on her Instagram as soon as she could get away with it. Don’t forget the IG Stories of her holding his hand while he drove her to the airport for her trip to Indonesia with her dad.

        Honestly, I feel for her. She keeps doing the same things and expecting a different result. If a part of her brain is telling her she should have stayed with Kendrick, she has at least a drop of sanity left. I hope she can pull out a win, at least for her kids’ sakes, but man. Even KERF bounced back from divorce more gracefully and with more impressive results.

        • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

          She’s probably on her way to a Jena LaFraud type of marital history.

      • This: “Let me be clear: If I were to walk into a candy store and see that they were selling a signature perfume oil…”

        Did I miss the part where [JORDACTED] floated into the candy store that she knew damn good and well sells signature perfume oil?

        Trip yourself up much, Blondie?

    • Do you discuss “thought leaders” or dating on this podcast? Or perhaps dating “thought leaders”? winky emoticon

      Feel free to leave a link and I’ll check it out!

  8. OT, because this person and her entire existence is something that just doesn’t compute with my neurological abilities: I realize The Handmaid’s Tale (the show) is old news to most of you by now, but I just finished watching Season 2 and have all sorts of feels that I’d like to discuss, if anyone cares to. I wouldn’t even mind some mild spoilers from Season 3 because the last episode left me with all sorts of WTF.

    • Your delicate aunt Gilly never got past the first episode of the first season, mostly because it was SO grim and had the most unpleasant sex scene I’d ever witnessed. Also, a friend told me that she had to stop watching the series for a good month after an episode involving Alexis Bledel upset her greatly. (Please don’t tell me what happened.)

      • I can tell you I quickly realized that I can only handle the show if I watch it before sundown.

    • I just finished ep. 11 of season 3 and it is soooo dark. I’m hooked though and can’t look away.

    • I couldn’t get into the series because I still remember the book, even though I read it 30 years ago.

      Something that I’m finding to be really good in this “years and years“ streaming on Amazon.

    • A reader sent in the Mission Local story on Saturday night. I was waiting for a few free minutes to post Ryan’s folly. New story up.

  9. Jesus, Franchesca, “the toughest of tough times”? “Your legacy of love won’t ever fail you because you’re strength, courage and bravery incarnate”?

    Dial it down a notch, girl.

    So things with Kenny Z went south after…. 3 weeks of romance?

    It’s not like she kicked the Nazis out of France or died fighting for Civil Rights in 1960s Alabama.

    Did I say dial it down a notch?

    I meant dial it down 27 notches.

    • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

      Imagine if these fragile narcissists ever had to deal with a REAL crisis???

      • These two are insufferable. To paraphrase part of an old Lily Tomlin routine, no wonder they wouldn’t care if a telephone fell in their bathtub. These two have felt no real pain in years.

        • If Glambo falls in the forest, but nobody Instagrams about it.

          Did it really happen?

    • Not that it matters, but that is another person, not “the Francesca” that Francesca goes by Sabineandtheredlotus on Insta.

      • Um, er, oops! But she’s just as much a fawning asshat as the other Francesca, yes?

Comments are closed.