Now A 4-Time Loser! Jena la Flamme Pulls A Donkey, Can’t Stop Wishing Herself Happy Hatch Day

That saucy tease!


Last year I was in Thailand studying dance, ritual and Tantra at the Mystical Dance School of my teacher and friend, Monika Nataraj. One of the first rituals of the curriculum was Self-Marriage.

As a group we were guided in a ceremony.
We honored the goddess within.
We honored the god within.
And then we were married to ourselves!

It was truly a potent experience, with Monika officiating the ceremony like a holy mother figure guiding us to true self-love and completeness, with our feminine and masculine sides in divine union with each other. Doesn’t that sound great?! What a relief to know we can have this inner unity.

The inner union and intrinsic wholeness symbolized by a Self-Marriage is a truth I’ve desperately needed to come back to in my journey of intense grief accompanying my divorce.

I was struck with a realization—I wanted to rewrite my wedding vows from my marriage, devoting them to MYSELF!

How would I adapt them, I wondered? Only one way to find out.

I took my pen to them and here’s the result:

Jena’s Self-Marriage Vows

1. I vow to love myself unconditionally, with all my heart and soul, forever. I belong to the Mother Earth. 💓💓💓

2. I vow to honor and protect my freedom as a sovereign, whole and complete, self-reliant being. 🌊🌊🌊

3. I vow to be aware of my projections, to own my shadow, and to remind myself of my higher Self whenever I forget who I am. I vow to embrace all of my shadow and all of my light, with compassion. 👸👸👸

4. I vow to constantly grow and evolve, and to be transparent with my desires and intentions. I vow to support my growth and evolution, in whichever direction I choose to go. 🧭🧭🧭

5. I vow to foster my vision and enthusiastically engage in a co-creative dance with existence, in service of Pachamama, Mother Earth, and her future generations, and the health and wealth of my family and Tribe. 🌲🌲🌲

6. I vow to honor the needs and desires of my holy sensual animal body temple, for nourishment, rest, rejuvenation, and sacred pleasure. I vow to embrace the full scope of my sensuality and sexuality in the spirit of Erotic Innocence. 🌬️ 🌬️ 🌬️

7. I vow to be a loving and devoted parent to my inner child. 🌹🌹🌹

8. I vow my devotion to the unity of the divine feminine and divine masculine within. ♾️♾️♾️

9. I vow constantly see life as sacred, and to celebrate the sacred every day, in prayer, song, laughter, music and dance. 💃💃💃

10. I vow to honor myself as a medicine woman on the path of the medicine wheel, as an embodied spirit, here to heal the world, and build peace and harmony. 🌎🌎🌎

11. I vow to have transparency with my life journey with my community and chosen family, who are my safe haven, and the fellow weavers of the new reality that we are co-creating together. 👭👬👭

Voila, the self-marriage vows.
Oh yes, I do!
Now I may kiss the bride! (Imagine me smooching myself. Haha.)
These vows are no joke commitments!
I take them on, and I invite your witnessing as I give them my best shot.

My ex and I were really proud of the vows that we crafted together, from which mine have been adapted. We vowed to love each other forever, not to marry forever, knowing that things change in time. That was wise!

However, the inner marriage really is until your last breath.

My inner god and goddess will be consorts until the end. My body and my mind will be dancing together until the last track.

They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Right now, that “someone else” needs to be myself. I’m talking radical Self-love, BABY! That includes self-compassion, self-care, self-pleasure and more.

It’s my birthday coming up and that seems like a good time to speak my vows out loud in a personal ceremony. I’ll let you know how it goes!

With love, Jena

The self-love never ends, as Jena wishes herself HAPPY BIRTHDAY again and again and again!


It’s my birthday today. Happy birthday to me! 🎉🥂

I find myself in the sunshine on the porch of my ginger bread-esque house in a majestic redwood grove in California, feeling very blessed to be here to welcome in a new solar cycle. ☀️🌎

My birthday corresponds to the pagan celebration of Lammas, one of the 8 spokes of the wheel of the year, that lies halfway between the Summer Solstice and the Autumn Equinox. It is a portal in which to celebrate the glory of the golden Harvest time, which is the theme I’ve chosen for my coming year—harvest. 🌻

Last birthday I choose the theme of “rebirth” for my year. I feel that intention culminated three weeks ago when I got divorced and gave birth to myself anew as a single, sovereign being. When I chose the theme rebirth, what I had in mind was “creating” and generating something new. I didn’t realize how much loss, grief, letting go would come along with the process or how painful it would be. Deep breath. Now I know! 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Now I’m reborn, and ready to harvest the fruits of my growth.

From the mud of my being and my circumstances, I’m ready to burst forth as the lotus flower I know I am. (We all are.) 🌺🌺🌺

In my ancestral Nature-based traditions, at the beginning of August is the holiday of Lammas when the Celtic Sun God is celebrated, representing the enrichment and growth energy offered by the sun all summer long. ☀️

Now, as the sun begins to wane, the Mother Earth bears her bounty of delicious fruits and grains. Yummy! 🍉🍇🌾

With the harvest we learn that in order to gain from our hard work, we must let go of the old and allow the transformation into the new.

The Sun God is also the God of Lightening and storms. Decisions are called for that seem hard, because they require old comforts to fall away. We celebrate the summer storms that have cleared the sky anew. 🌈🌈🌈

I will celebrate my birthday with feasting, dancing, and a Lammas Harvest ritual with friends to embrace the wisdom of the holiday. 💃🙌

I declare myself the Harvest Queen! 👑

If you want to claim your own harvest–of your divine femme power, your sensuality, your sexuality, and more–then step into the circle and hold my hand. I’m here to call you to fulfill the longing of your soul to live with body confidence and oodles of sexual satisfaction. 🔥🔥🔥

As naturally as an apple will ripen to be juicy, crisp and delicious all at once, so it’s your nature to enjoy your body, and experience turn on as a common state of being that infuses your whole life. ✨✨✨

I’m here to activate a confident bounce in your step, and to initiate your Erotic Innocence to come to the forefront of your life.

If you feel the call to have this now, apply for a free Breakthrough session with me here at

Thank you for your birthday blessings. May you hear this Leo roar in the year to come! ♌🦁

To the harvesting of our dreams come true, in divine timing. 💎💎💎

With love,

Nice job getting the grift in there.

RBD wishes you a very happy birthday, Jena, from the mud of your being to the abortion smeared across your face.

Is Bea any relation to Jean Brodie?


  1. Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

    My God, I cannot read either of those never-ending navel-gazing word salads.


      I kept waiting for the fucoid fairies to rear their mischievous heads.

    • I tried, but after several paragraphs my left hemisphere fell into a coma. BRB, now attaching electrodes.

      • I wasn’t sure what to edit out of the damn self-love paeans or if I should just leave links. I couldn’t read much of the tortured prose either, but I did catch some gems when skimming, e.g., “Now I may kiss the bride! (Imagine me smooching myself. Haha.)”

        • Jesus, Buddha and Osiris are all weeping and vomming in the shower.

          • But not the Lammas of the Celtic Sun God. And please don’t ask me to unpack her drivel.

  2. PleasureConsort.vom

    Ask Judy Albertson how fulfilling her self-marriage worked out. SHIFTED PARADIGMS! GAME CHANGER! THIS IS SUCCESS!

    • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

      Hilariously, we all know that the only reason Julia Allison/Julia Baugher married herself in her underwear at Burning Man was in the desperate hope that one of her unwashed exes (or a random masculine) would suddenly jump up and declare he just had to marry her.

        • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

          When you’re an almost 40-y.o. woman who lives her life as if she’s starring in a giant romcom, you tend to be an overall failure at life

      • Photos and footage of the historic marriage seemed to indicate few at Camp Septic were even paying attention to Judy & Judy being married by Rabbi Rapist.

        • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

          They were all too busy taking selfies and staring in the mirror?

  3. I think I’ll pass on paying the woman who has been married three times, and whose every screed for the last month has been about her utter devastation over the latest fleeing masculine, to teach me how to reclaim my feminine power.

    • I’d never pay any creature this shockingly insecure to help me empower my left pinkie. She’s more grasping, more needy, than Donk.

    • I am fascinated that it never occurs to her that, perhaps, she has very little to offer actual empowered women who can, you know, actually feed themselves, make their own playlists, and make appropriate reproductive choices.

  4. She’s sucking the oxygen out of the room I’m in through the screen for fucks sake.

  5. I thought this was a load of clap, but then I saw the triple-emojis at the end of each paragraph and it totally changed my mind.

    How could I not take seriously an adult that feels the need to punctuate each sentence with not one but three emojis?

  6. Kids these days.

    My goddess and god split years ago. It was the best thing we ever did. We shared custody of our inner children and never farmed them out to the other voices I hear in my head.

    • Do you have a spreadsheet so that we might sign up to babysit your inner children? For free, of course. No one should pay for inner child care.

      Once more, with feeling:

      • My friend’s wife once posted that she decided to (not *needed* to) go back to work and wanted people to watch her kids all day under the guise of it being play dates with their children. Another high school friend once posted the same thing but just a few times a week while she took barre classes. Both of them were absolutely skewered by people saying things like “Let me get this straight, you want to go make money and want people to watch their kids AND your kids for FREE?”. One even said “Sorry I have to unfriend you after this request.” Both of these posts were deleted within 24 hours.

        • People are so clueless about how little joy and delight others get from their kids. When our school district had a teachers’ strike for weeks, but my kids were at a private school and were still in school, I took in a couple of kids, for a couple of days, and their parents were upset when I told them I couldn’t do it indefinitely.

          I really like children, but watching them is a responsibility, a JOB, and people should be reimbursed for it.

          • I have soooo many stories like this. I think my favorite was when I got a phone call from a Dad around 8:00pm on a Thursday night in August telling me they desperately needed me to watch their kids the next day. The excuses he gave were beyond bullshit: She has “meetings in the city” and he has his “annual physical” on a Friday, in August, at 3:00 pm. Where we are, you’d need to have a medical emergency to get any sort of medical appointment on a Friday afternoon in August. What he didn’t know was that I knew she had been taking sailing classes at that time and he had a standing golf tee time at the same time. After declining, and getting some serious attitude, my husband and I decided to swing by both locations at that time and see if my hunch was correct. Sure enough, her car was at the sailing lessons and his was at the golf course. I never found out who they roped in to watch their kids.

            I can totally see Noodles pulling this shit.

          • Haha! And I thought I had a special story when my cousin suggested at a family function in April that since I obviously got along so fantastically well with his 2-year-old son (translation: the “young gentleman” and I spent five minutes playing with a ball together), perhaps I could watch him and his younger sister regularly. I smiled and politely said no. The next day he texted me to say that “the offer to watch the kids still stands.” The offer, because apparently he and his wife would be doing ME a favor by letting me watch their two under-3-years-olds.

          • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

            An acquaintance used to ask me in a sort of backhanded way to watch his two girls — an infant and a two-y.o. — even after I told him I had never babysat, but would welcome the opportunity to learn with his kids. That didn’t dampen his enthusiasm for trying to get me to watch them

      • Haha. The spreadsheet is to laugh.

        I mean, I know I didn’t have all the answers as a parent when I had my son at 19 years old but, even then I could have told you that if you have to tell your support network that your toddler needs monitoring around cars, then you might want to take a second look at the members you’ve invited to join your “village”.

        • Also, ,teach your child to swim, dumb ass. You live in California for Greg’s sake!

        • Stay away from: vodka, chainsaws.
          Cannot fly.
          Likes cartoons and stuffed toys.

          It is to vom (the spreadsheet).

      • Fucking woos have made the word “vulnerable” so triggering to me.

      • Here’s the thing, Nisha, you’re an entitled con-artist who needs to fuck right off.

      • Isn’t this the woman who claimed posting photos of her child as a baby online was abusive?! “No one exploits my kid but me,” eh, Noodles? Jesus. She elevates hypocrisy to a religious practice.

        • She sent an email in which she begged us never to post Pigeon’s image online and then she had the gall to post hundreds of photos PUBLICLY on FB and IG.

          Fuck Nisha Moodley.

      • He’s a very cute kid.

        Hire a goddamned babysitter like everyone else on the planet, Noodles. You’re not special.

        • Yeah, you just can’t demand the same things of friends who babysit for free that you can of the for-profit daycare. Things like, oh I don’t know, that the building be up to code compliance, that the caregiver be trained in CPR, that certain things be bolted to the wall or otherwise baby-proofed.

          When has the noodles ever offered her services for free, as opposed to the several hundreds of dollars she charges?

      • Her kid isn’t that special and she’s not that special.
        Darn you AQ, as I’m trying this I see you’ve already said it and better than I could have. LOL

      • “It was a vulnerable request, in a society that tells us that our children are our “problem”, that we shouldn’t “burden” others with our needs, and that we should be able to (and WANT to) provide for our children on our own.”

        society tells you children are your “Responsiblity” not your problem.

        and if its during times of working, that means both of you are making money which means you can pay a babysitter!

        or swap child care — ill watch your kids for a few hours if you watch my kids for a few hours.

        • She always wraps abuse in vulnerability so it positions her to be a #ProfessionalVictim when she’s inevitably called out.
          She’s exhausting. I sense that kid will seek another home permanently when he’s 10.

        • Yes, on swapping child care and there are so many ways to do so. My kid has a sleepover with her best friends and then the next weekend she’s going to a pajama party at a girlfriend’s house and I get an evening to relax.

        • Once again, the parent of a two year old(it?) is smugly lecturing others on how she’s figured out how to parent the bestest.
          We actually do have a village…between carpools and friends being over at each other’s houses, we understand to look out for not just our kids, but all of them. We help each other out not because we are wanting other adults to “learn about our children’s special gifts”; we are simply being decent people to each other.

    • How dare you criticize Jena for any of her numerous spelling and grammatical mistakes when celebrating the “inner union and intrinsic wholeness symbolized by a Self-Marriage”!

    • OT, but I learned this when, years ago, I posted a picture of myself here and RRR said I clearly had a gingerbread house standing on my head (there was an antique carved wood wall clock in the background). Sigh, I miss RRR and several other old-timers.

      • RollsRoyceRevenge and TotalJing/featherbrained, my favorite features of the archives.

        • RRR, Stalker, Jordache, NorseHorse, FamelessShamewhore, flatface, flotsam, Prof. FC, LLFOOLJ, Barking Mad, fig, Pearskank, EyeRoller, Can-Swiss…. if any of you fatties are still around, come say hello at least!

      • These people are 40, marrying themselves, and still having parents pay their bills, wtf

  7. Baby, this Mercedes C-class comes loaded with ALL the gingerbread. Think your pops can cosign for ya?

    • “Critics claim that it is a narcissistic practice which suggests low self-esteem.[5]” Ya think?! I almost don’t want to click the reference number because I fear it will take me to the dictionary definition of common sense.

  8. I think that picture made my spleen explode. The little crown is so fucking extra.

    • I love the little crown!

      Self-proclaimed Harvest Queen, there’s one I’ve never heard before.

      I’m not super into astrology but HOLY FUCKING LEO amirite?

      • I got a pack of tiny crowns like that at a fancy cake shop for my cat’s birthday last month. They fit the cat perfectly, but made the rest of us look ridiculous.

      • Harvest Queen who has never planted nor harvested any crops ever.

        I was driving through the Central Valley recently– you know, where our food comes from– and it was over 100F and people were working in the fields and hauling produce in 18-wheelers over the grade at like 40 MPH, so dumb bitches like Jean La Flim Flam and her deadbeat hot cocoa making ex-husband can put a Safeway veggie platter on the table and proclaim themselves divine healing shamans of Mother Earth’s sacred bounty, in another pointless ritual co-opted from someone else’s cultural practices, in order to avoid real life and make themselves feel special.

        I cannot with these assclowns.

        • Harvest Queen who probably can’t even bake from scratch, let alone grow or harvest anything. Medicine Woman who fingers multiple people “therapeutically” without so much as a squirt of hand sanitizer.

    • Did she steal the crown from Fozzie, AKA Nye the Crypto Guy? I flashed on his Burger King persona, which was actually more pleasant than the current incarnation, snakeskin Vegas pimp.

    • If that helps, I share my birthday with Donald Trump.

      I prefer to think of it as sharing birthday with the Star Spangled Banner, though.

  9. Wow. Have you seen La Flamme dance Zouk?

    I thought after so much Zouk’ing (I have no idea what that was before this video) she’d be amazingly good. She just seemed so meh.

    Anyhow, if you want a good laugh read her post about:

    …as if SHE was the one who called it off, not Mr. Antlerhead who very obviously left her!

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