“Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me A Match … “

Our catalyst for love writes:

As some of you know, I dabble in matchmaking (as a delightful hobby), the fruits of which have resulted in at least 2 marriages, several relationships and a truly impressive number of dates and hookups (hey, don’t judge. Not everything is meant to result in a lifelong union).

In other words, if you’re single and would like to meet someone, message me and let me know what (you think) you’re looking for!

Yes, this *is* my idea of a good time.

Paging Jena and Jordan!

But seriously, she has the time to dabble in this nonsense and with no endgame? Is “Julia Allison, Matchmaker” the secret project that our burro has been crowdsourcing? Is she planning on doing a podcast about dating? Because NO ONE has ever done that before.

Whatever scheme juices are brewing, the excitement is off the charts!

78 COMMENTS

  1. She dabbles in matchmaking as a hobby… So what does she do for the last years that is not dabbling? And dabbling is a strong word for her level of ability or commitment.

    • I know! Like she dabbled in HIVE and the Upward Spiral Foundation that never was? Dilettante, thy name is Judy Albertson!

      • So busy with work and charity but will make time for a delightful-gag- “hobby”, that’s the Donk.

        Scheme.juices. flowing.
        Surprised she didn’t out rhe alleged introductions she made in the old Ali Katz tent.

        • “Adelle Juliet, I’d like you to meet Cory Tanner Glazier! Just ignore his penis being inside the ineffable Ali Shanti!”

  2. I wonder if she could name the two couples / four people that resulted in marriage and one or more step up to prove actual existence. I won’t hold my breath.

    • And, while we are at it, I would like to know how many ended up in divorce or bitter breakups.

      • If she really is a matchmaker extraordinaire, I’d like to know why she’s never once mentioned any couple that she’s allegedly set up. It’s not as if Donkey practices discretion.

        • I think those happy couples live in the same city (probably Sweden) as her many satisfied clients whose names cannot be revealed (Bunbury, Harry Lime, Indrid Cold, the Anonymous, Mrs. Columbo, Howard Wolowitz’s mom). Maybe she introduced Frat Boy Neighbor to Homeless Face Puncher?

          • Lol, Gilly! I had to google that, I had no idea there was an actual “Mrs. Columbo” show.

            Tingo, I LOVE me some Harry Lime (on the radio, not so much in The Third Man).

            Also, I forgot Keyser Soze.

          • Also Epstein’s mother (deep Welcome Back, Kotter cut) and Maris Crane.

            I love the shtick of the unseen character SO MUCH.

          • Helena, I only know about Mrs. Columbo because I read Mulgrew’s autobiography. It didn’t last a season.

          • “Tingo, I LOVE me some Harry Lime (on the radio, not so much in The Third Man).”

            The fact that there are three of us in this random corner of the internet to get this just amazes me. No snark. I am DELIGHTED. <3

          • I’m loving this too! And to think the guy who introduced me to Mr. Lime was such a jerk. (If I were Donkey, I’d be calling him an ex, probably doubly so because he has a PhD from OMG Oxford. Then again, maybe not, seeing as Oxford is not an OMG Ivy and therefore she never heard of it?)

            I haven’t listened to my Harry Lime tapes for a long long time, must give them a spin!

          • Ah, of course! Silly me. 2008 was before my time, but I remember seeing this in 2013 and laffin at her idea of “fascinator” and everything else.

      • Seriously? That was a bit before my time, but I vaguely know of an introduction ending in D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

    • Really, when you think of it, Judy Baugher was born to be a great matchmaker. She is, after all, a curious girl in a curious world, legendary for her long-lasting friendships and other relations, with a fantastic talent for establishing heartfelt, deep and meaningful connections, a great listener, confidante and advice-giver, full of empathy. She also has an enormous interest in other people and especially their wellbeing, and nothing makes her happier than seeing others, particularly when they’re tiny, cute, widely respected, professionally successful and financially comfortable feminines, HAPPY IN LOVE! She’s all about discretion, tact is her middle name, no one knows more about proper boundaries, and there is not a single trace of white-hot envy, jealousy or scheme juices within her entire wonderful Catalyst and Embodiment of Love personality.

      • Ha ha!

        Yes, and she is such a self-effacing, generous, person that would never ever in a million years bring up that they met through her or brag about it. Not when they announce their engagement, or at their wedding, or at any of the many social occasions she will share with them through the years.

        • Yes, and nor would she *ever* show up at said weddings dressed and/or acting and/or photobombing/posing like she was the center of attention!

          • Never ever would the catalyst for love hog the stage at sacred nuptials!

          • There is absolutely. no. way. this selfless social alchemist would use her crucial part in bringing a happy couple together to demand in return even the smallest of favors, such as using the happy couple’s spare room for a year or two or getting a fancy-sounding job title (just the title, not the job, natch!) in their company that could impress Dadsers for another couple of months. Need I remind you that in her unparalleled modesty, she never even pointed out that any item she brought to anyone might be monogrammed????

          • See also Raising the Roof at Baby Brother Britt’s nuptials.
            P.S.: IIRC, there was also cake-licking involved. Or at least a pose dramatizing such.

  3. To be published in the New York Post in 2022, “I moved to San Francisco and took the persona of the matchmaker. It ruined my life, and destroyed my relationship with my Dr (PhD and MD) boyfriend. Now I am just happy with my cats in Wilmette: we all sleep in the basement, near the second fridge”.

    • “On Sundays I go to the pancake house in Wilmette and order pancakes with a side of pancakes. The side is actually for my dear grandmother, Marilyn, who died many years ago but is always with me in spirit. I just know she’s going to send another Mr. Right my way for one more chance at the brass ring!”

      • One of my proudest internet moments was pointing out the pancakes with a side of pancakes back when Julia was auditioning to be a military dependapotamus. 🦛

        • She really is one step from becoming a hunbot shilling MLM scams on Facebook.

  4. Now that she is in her own smug relationships, she’d be happy to share her gift for happy relationships with you. Reach out, Rain. Please, Rain. Just unblock her for 30 minutes.

    • Yeah, c’mon, Rainy. She gave you that 4k she owed you for months and months, yes?

  5. I turned into that smug “OMG, I want to set up ALL my single friends!” person the last time I was in a relationship and then two months later I got dumped and learned my ex had been cheating on me with his previous girlfriend. So.

  6. What a convenient way to set up the next slate of marks in case things go south with Dodi, or if she is already in OBO territory.

        • She knows Grape Nehi and Jay Camm won’t let her crash at their one-bedroom apartment, nor will anyone else she asked when in dire straits post Rain.

    • Yes, my thoughts exactly… this is just a sly version of scanning Match.com (back in the early aughts) to see what’s out there .

    • I believe in the past she has paired up with a masculine to give her cover to stalk potential boyfriends who are already in relationships. Avocado was both Bear-adjacent and Rain-adjacent, allowing her to move in on them with the plausible deniability of having a boyfriend. Being with Devin didn’t stop her from putting the moves on Morin at the Spanish wedding. It seems like a pattern.

    • naturally, all of this is a scheme to get PAID. grifter gotta grift somehow.

      she should compile all of her successful past matches, change their names and write a book on how to find a successful partner. a working title could be “guinea pig of love”. oh, wait…

  7. Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

    Considering she’s never had a successful relationship…

    • Nor has Jena la Flamme but she announced an upcoming “pleasure” retreat for couples one day before Jena announced divorce #3.

      • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

        At least Jena’s been able to get them to the altar. Donkey can’t accomplish that. And I bet she won’t with Son of Sam Dodi either

        • I have to agree with Unicorn Studded that Donk isn’t going to the chapel with this one. It’s been almost a year. A Donk with no goal but marriage and kids should not be with any man more than a year who won’t put a ring on it. This is basic The Rules, basic Bravo Patti Stanger, basic sense if she has not frozen her eggs, and maybe even if she has.

          Eeeeee-Ayyyyyyy (that’s the sound of a de-thawed donk egg)

        • She’ll start putting the pressure on as holibrays approach.

          Don’t forget she gave ILYRAIN more than a year. I think she knows this might be her last chance to land a wallet this size, and also for timing if she wants children, so Robin has probably coached her not to push this one too hard. Plus her happily unmarried (or so it seems) doppelgänger Myka might be thrown up to her as a role model. The question is, will she be able to restrain herself. She seems to want to land the fish before she has to work at any kind of paying job, and the timing for that might be running out, too.

          • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

            She was younger and not as close to 40 as she is now. Derpin probably lasted as long as he did because her father was paying their way.

            And no, she cannot restrain herself for any significant period of time

  8. her next persona: childcare consultant. expert advice from someone who’s never had children.

  9. “What do you do for a living? Ha ha, I was just joking, of course I know who you are, you’re a founder! I think we should get together to discuss more about you. And a little about me, your matchmaker. So where are you taking me for dinner?”

  10. I thought we were calling this “wife fluffing”?

    Avocado, McCain, Dan, Redacted, and the others who (wisely) won’t contact her. I’m sure Prom King has graduated from pull-ups to marriage by now. Poor Derwood…I really wanted him to soar after his break-up with her but all we got was him in the French man’s arms.

    • But he became weed king of Modesto. Not exactly San Francisco but he’s accomplished more than he ever could have when managing a high maintenance donkey.

  11. Holy shizzle! This is what she comes up with for a business?? She is desperate for money. Desperate. She’s close to setting up an icy stand in front of Alex Marson’s home.

    Where’s her website for this crap job? Too expensive and official?

    Wonder what Amy Laurent thinks about Julia Allison on her corner?

  12. She should be in deep with Burning Man planning now, yes? But not a peep. Expect a post afterward from karma chameleon about how that was a transformative phase in her life, but she’s changed now.

  13. totally OT but wasnt there a photo of Julia Allison at someone’s party and they had small vulva sculptures on the walls? whose party was that?

      • OT, but her boobs look very boob-jobbish ^ there.
        Am reminded of explant-looking fauxto posted by Alana-somebody.

    • She met Roubini when she traveled as part of Whandi’s baggage to Davos (the Davos report is coming any year now!). Oddly, after she sent these party photos to Gawker she and Roubini seemed to lose touch.

  14. Love this site¡!!!! The laughs and insights. If they’d listen there’d be no content.

  15. Donks as matchmaker, well isn’t this rich. There was that time she blagged her way onto a singles cruise organized by one Janis Spindel, professional matchmaker – then hid in the bathroom to bash and ridicule the event on Twitter. Link for reference: https://rebloggingdonk.com/2010/06/18/matchmaker-matchmaker-thrown-down-the-hatch/.

    She is a tacky, revolting bitch. I hope she tries to hang out some kind of shingle, and gets this chucked in her face.

  16. OT: Jena la Flamme, erotic empreth, is again on the prowl:

    “As flirtatious as ever, I am yours.
    Trickster, light-slinger, and your wake up call.

    Woman or man, receive my pleasure activation.”

    Sure, Jena, ‘cause nothing says thexthy like a woman who’d name her abortion, smear it across her face, and head out to the market. I can’t wait to receive your pleasure activation!

      • Can I just tell you how prescient this clip is? This is Christmas future Jena in her go-to gold dress.

        • Indeed, it is. Some enchanted empress!

          Would you believe I’ve not seen Crossing Delancey?! And I adore Amy Irving.

          • Goddess, fix that problem ASAP. I saw it in the theater when it first came out because I am expired, and I revisit it often. Sam is exactly the kind of great guy to whom A Donkey would not give the time of day.

          • Your dotty aunt Gilly is on it! I will let you know my thoughts.

          • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

            Oh, I have to pile on and insist you see it as soon as possible!

    • Note: This post has been up for three days and Jena has received no comments and two likes.

      THIS IS SEXUAL SUCCESS!!

  17. unemployed social media expert
    unemployed tech expert
    unemployed reality tv personality
    unemployed unpublished book author
    unemployed social media product influencer
    unemployed air bnb’r of other people’s property
    unemployed festival dancer
    unemployed is the only successful venture she’s nailed.

  18. Body snark time.

    While Donks and WooJen are in OK shape, now is the time to get into a gym and lift some weights. They’re pushing 40, and while cardio and yoga (assuming they still do those) keeps them lean and supple, their ageing skin hanging over flabby muscle is soon going to make them feel old and gross. And with their history of eating disorders, it doesn’t bode well for them trying to calibrate their “I’m HOT” mindset to their middle-aged bodies.

    Arms, shoulders, and back. Do the rest too because it feels great, but those bits are hidden under shapewear and age-appropriate clothing anyway. Right!? Buy some weights and do actual research if you don’t like gym and can do it at home.

    It’s not as if these women have jobs or kids or hobbies or a real social life to take up their time, after all.

    • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

      I doubt Donkey exercises. Yoga (done right) can do a lot toward giving a sleek and toned appearance.

Comments are closed.