Dumped Part Deux: Three-Time-Loser Jena la Flamme Suffers Dreamboat’s Departure, Goes On Hunger Strike

Swiss Mister is so very good looking in person! Take it away, la Fraud:

I’m feeling such a profound loss with the end of my marriage. If you thought my ex-husband was a dreamboat, YES, HE WAS!

Here’s one dimension I’m losing from my life with this divorce–Gourmet Meals.

Imagine being served 3 delicious meals a day, that didn’t just taste good, but looked like works of art on the table. This was my reality with my ex-husband. In our polarity, I put the roof over our head, and he put the food on the table. He’s a culinary artist and could combine foods and flavors like a master. He aimed to feed the eyes and much as the mouth, and oh, did he deliver on both! The cheese, the fresh soup, the sourdough bread, delicious meats and salads—it was European cuisine that came off the plate with aliveness.

Being served his food felt like the ultimate luxury in life. I’d never felt so healthy, nourished and satisfied. I would do the dishes with a smile on my face, so grateful for the exquisite food. I felt like a had hit the jackpot with my partner. Pinch me!

His Dad is a restaurateur and my theory is that he grew up demonstrating his love through expert cooking. It sure felt like love to me! My mother never liked cooking, and would do it as a joyless, necessary chore. My inner child felt nurtured like never before.

Now this part I’m ashamed to admit. After he left, I would sometimes starve myself. Not in an anorexic way as if I was trying to lose weight. It was as if I was on an unconscious hunger strike, a childish protest against him being away, as if I was waiting for him to come back and feed me. He would ask me, “have you eaten?” Too often the answer was no. When I did shop and cook, I would try to channel his magic and when I managed I felt really proud of myself.

Now that the marriage is once and for over, I must stop this hunger strike as I’m only depleting my well-being and accomplishing nothing. I’ve talked with my inner child. She’s devastated by the loss. “It really was too good to be true,” she laments. My pact to her is that I will cook myself at least one special meal a day, that’s fresh, delicious, and visually appealing. Hopefully I’ll make it up to 3 meals a day, but that’s my starting commitment.

Whatever you, your inner child, and Naomi need to tell yourselves to make it through the night, Jena. We’re just so glad you’re still with us and hopefully eating something with visual appeal.

This just in: Jena is out of the abyss and born again!

I am starting to feel the light returning. I’ve been in a deep darkness leading up to my break up. Truly the dark night of the soul experience.

I didn’t feel suicidal. I didn’t feel like I wanted to kill myself. I just felt like I was dying. Like I could no longer live, if my marriage was to be lost.

I understand that it’s a dimension of my ego that’s actually dying. This was the “Mrs. Sacha Nielsen” part of me. It was an identity that I was so proud of, that I felt validated by. This wonderful man loves & is devoted to me.

Obviously, this must mean something wonderful about me.

The problem with this thinking is that when he started to leave on a regular basis, and for longer and longer stretches of time, that validation vanished, & I fostered a hole in myself instead.

If him being there symbolized my worthiness, then him going away was a sign of the opposite.

“Maybe I don’t deserve a partner who sticks by me?” spoke my wounded parts.

But I discarded the thought. Yes, I do. Yes, I am worthy.

Even without this sublime superstar man by my side, I am worthy.

You are the sublime superstar, Jena! When you rubbed your abortion all over your face and went to the market, I knew we were in the presence of a goddess! Even Papa Chevalier thinks so. (Sorry that he dumped you and married your godson, but the heart wants what it wants, especially in Wooville.)

Never forget: We’ll always have the healing power of the magical cacao bean!


  1. Now that the marriage is once and for over…

    Now that the marriage is over, once and for all…

    Is that wtf you are trying to say? There are syntax, receding hairline, fraud, failed marriage, etc., comparisons I could make, but I guess I won’t. Sit down. STFU. Have a hamberder.

    • Be a little less harsh, bunny. Jena’s “wounded parts” are speaking for her.

      • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

        Or she went to the Julia School of Writing, where one is taught to scribble gibberish in order to think one comes off as profound

        • Jena’s prose indeed reads as though she just attended Julia’s course for kids who can’t write good. I kept waiting for the fucoid fairies to make an appearance.

          • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

            I can’t wait for the try-hard Britishisms, like frock and shoppe!

          • I liked “the overwhelm.” But possibly my favorite was the time when Donk “found a newfound appreciation” for her Momsers’ “example of exemplary homemaking,” or however that iconic quotation runs.

      • I heard you can steam those parts by squatting over some herbs and crystals. #healing #transformative

  2. Another one like Beaver Noodles throwing in the I put a roof over his head line.

    Who has time to make and display three meals a day, let along eat them?


    Another loon in need of long term counseling, and yet, she holds herself out as.. a counselor of sorts!

    • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

      Who has time to make and display three meals a day, let along eat them?

      A guy who lives off his wife/girlfriend/the female and does nothing other that that, fuck, and contemplate his navel

      • also looks like a few slices of storebought cut peppers with jar smears on a flatbread aka zero “cooking”, lol

        she needs a friend to wake her up, yet they have few/no friends, just transactional in the present or future connections

        except for the truly rich ones, they do ja=hang out with each other, less grifts to ass kiss for

        • THIS is why I will never, ever the Woos. All their talk of cosmic connection, “tribe”, sisterhood, changing paradigms – and yet they are the saddest, loneliest, most solipsistic and disconnected people who ever gazed into a woodland pond.

          All their endless trips to Bali resorts, all their “ethnic” dancing classes, all their online flourescent Mandala t-shirt stores, all their crying and begging for funding for Burning Man tickets and child support payments and their “art” projects – not a single one of them EVER, EVER tries to help anyone in need.

          None of them talk to the people at their “retreats” who flip their putrid beds, scrub their oily bathtubs, and make sure their kimchi isn’t too strong. None of them ask the people who serve them if they know of any families who could use a bag of cotton underwear, or kids’ picture books, or washing powder, or storage containers, or garbage cans, or diarrhea remedies.

          These people wouldn’t hesitate to post their generosity all over their social media for likes and shares, if they were doing these things. But they don’t.

          • Ahem, didn’t Julia attempt to donate her gently used magazines to a women’s shelter? I rest my case!

        • “also looks like a few slices of storebought cut peppers with jar smears on a flatbread aka zero “cooking”, lol”

          This. As an actual OMG European, I am offended by this ludicrous display being presented as “European cuisine.”

          • Such cooking is usually referred to as “continental cuisine” in the USA, England, and Australia, and Jena has lived in two of those countries.

          • It came off the plate with aliveness, Helena. Don’t you know that true European cuisine is made up of premade hummus and sliced cucumbers? Eff Rene Redzeppi and his show offy Michelin stars.

        • Note plastic container of hummus and jar of almond butter. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s not ‘cooking.’ CWAA

  3. You know, it’s sad. Jenna was the last person to find out that her marriage was over.

    • We tried to tell her. Again and again and again. But Jena was too busy zouking and making bogus insurance claims to pay attention.

  4. Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

    Also? He looks like a deranged, homeless Oktoberfest performer

    • And that’s the picture she chose to use for the “dreamboat” post! I thought he looked like a gone-to-seed Lewis Carroll on LSD.

      • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

        The judges will accept that, as well!

      • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

        That hat, tho! The icky feathers just really make it so special. Did he and Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexia Katz get a bulk rate on used, wilting pigeon feathers?

  5. Jena. It’s time to grow the fuck up and make your own food and not seek validation from men.

    Well shit, that goes for all the woo idiots and Donkeydonks.

    • The same person who would name her fetus, abort said fetus, smear it across her face, and go out in public? I’m guessing there isn’t a lot Jena won’t do.

  6. “My mother never liked cooking, and would do it as a joyless, necessary chore.” Oh poor little Jena, with a mother who didn’t like cooking, but made the effort to put hot meals down her ungrateful special-snowflake child’s gullet anyway.

    This actually galls me to no end. My mother didn’t like cooking, either. She still managed to put simple balanced meals on the table day after day, decade after decade, and show us how to put a healthy basic meal together so we could feed ourselves as adults.

    But when I think of all that time my mother wasted, taking us out into nature and encouraging us to draw and write about what we saw and felt! All that time that she could have been chucking cheese, lettuce, cold cuts and artisanal bread on some plates in front of us, to develop our “European” culinary sensibilities!! I feel so bereft of nurturing that I’m going to wipe perimenopausal fluids on my five head while wearing some bolts of polyester fabric and hovering over a boiling kettle.

    • I came to comment the exact same thing. The misogyny and lack of empathy for mothers is infuriating. It IS a fucking chore when you’re also working full time and bearing more than your share of the emotional labor of running the household. I feed my kid and yeah, sometimes it’s joyless. Because sometimes life is joyless. A lot of times it’s also really joyful, like this morning when my 15 month old figured out he can control his eyelids and kept scrunching them shut, opening them wide, and giggling uncontrollably. But that doesn’t mean tonight when I get home after commuting in 2000% humidity and solo parenting for the 5th night in a row I’m going to be absolutely delighted to make dinner for him, only to watch him throw half of it on the floor.
      Grow up Jena and read about internalized misogyny. Maybe your useless ex-husband could create all those beautiful meals because he had fuck all else to do after leaving his other ex-wife and children. Although I suspect she is grateful that she no longer has to take care of her oldest child who is NOT GOOD LOOKING IN PERSON. I saw him. He resembles how I imagined that terrifying scarecrow Harold in Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark looked.

      • Jena seems to be estranged from her biological family. No one showed up for her marriage to Swiss Mister, clad in silvery mesh with antlers on head, which was officiated by her elderly former mother-in-law, who engaged with Jena in a lesbian fourway bachelorette party prior to the nuptials, photos of which were posted all over social media. I have NO idea why Mom was AWOL!

  7. I honestly feel sorry for this woman. I will say it again, I hope she finds a good therapist outside of the woo community. She is clearly (literally?) starving for love and attention to a pathological degree. The posed, naked photos she posted of her self and ex-husband — a tribute to their monumental love — were almost as bizarre as the photos of her post-abortion blood-smeared face. Almost.

    • I agree. I hope she ditches the woos and gets help. Getting abandoned by mangina seems really sad and undeserved, even for the woos.

    • I hope she gets some help for her extreme insecurities and constant need for attention, but I certainly don’t feel sorry for this woman. She’s a grifter pushing “pleasurable” diets and erotic “fulfillment” who was probably involved in an insurance scam ire: “injuries” that didn’t stop her from dancing seven days a week. She’s also a self-professed gold digger who thought she had it made with Papa Chevalier, only to get dumped for his grandson while she rebounded with a deadbeat who asked folks to buy his kids Christmas presents because he was out finding his bliss! Don’t even get me going about Jena’s involvement, sexual and otherwise, with the Smellsberg family or that abortion!

  8. I just watched that cacao video again. Or made me laugh out loud for a second. Then it made me cringe. This guy is, in my humble opinion, the biggest freeloader of them all.

    • “In our polarity, I put the roof over our head, and he put the food on the table.” And not much else. Just ask his kids.

      For being a self-professed gold digger, Jena is an epic fail.

  9. I have a feeling she means what she says quite literally. He “put the food on the table” but she paid for it, did the dishes, let him claim partnership in the business she developed long before he came into her life… And all he had to do was dress up and pose for fauxtos. Hell, I bet she even paid for their airfare around the world. She was his mark, he was her Instragram opportunity. A match made in dysfunctional hell.

    • He posted their joint breakup post on his FB page; however, unlike Jena, Deadbeat seemed to have moved on immediately. His next post was about what a great time he’d had banging on garbage can lids with the HangBrothers. “What a fantastic vibe!”

        • You mean 50ish Dana Lawrence? Maybe she was entranced by Deadbeat’s beauty during a sacred cacao ritual in Harlem?

  10. Disaster averted! Thankfully, Ivory Coast and Ghana have dropped their threat to raise cocoa prices by withholding 60% of the world’s supply from market! Best of all, the estimated 2 million children who pick cocoa beans, some of them enslaved, can still thank the woke participants in cacao ceremonies!

  11. This is nonsense cover for the greencard marriage ending right on schedule. The actual number of days in which they were together for him to make three meals was likely less than the paragraphs in one of these insane posts.

  12. Is Bear Kittay quoting the great Gwyneth Paltrow?

    I rest my case your honour: these people are idiots.

    • Sgt. Bearper(sp) is actually misquoting the GOOPsters. Getting divorced is being “consciously uncoupled” in Pepper Potts’s universe.

  13. i know it’s impossible to prepare food without using one’s hands but, the thought of his doing it just grosses me out. I imagine spunk residue, pubes, cacao and skunk weed and…..ack. Maybe I’ll finally lose that last 10 lbs I’ve been wanting to get off.

    • But hasn’t Michel, AKA Papa Chevalier, already seen her glory? And he tossed her overboard and married his grandson. How the fuck does any woman get over that?

    • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

      Because he got his green card and no longer needed her for anything?

      • He was never interested in a green card.

        Also, to keep your green card, you have to reside in the US, something he is obviously not interested in doing.

  14. I find most of the woos obnoxious and grifter-y. But out of all of the woos I sort of actually like Jena and her message. I find a lot of the self-love and body positivity movements and leaders to be very shallow, meaningless, and unhelpful. But at least with her philosophy there’s something there… don’t just SAY you love yourself, actually tune into the moment to moment reality of your body and hack it. I think she does walk her talk. She’s very radiant and has a presence.

    She was definitely dumb to marry this dude not considering the reality of the situation and pre-arranging where they were gonna live. Since a lot of her business is online I don’t know why she didn’t move to Switzerland if she really wanted to make it work.

    I actually feel really bad for her. I think that her decision to have the abortion was subconsciously motivated by knowing that this guy would never step up to help raise the kid. I feel like that probably shattered a lot of other illusions about their relationship. I wish she would have kept it and just been a single mom, I feel like there is going to be a lot of regret and trauma down the line. Of course I think that any woman in any circumstance and of any age should be able to choose to have an abortion. I just feel like, personally, the older I get the more having one would affect me psychologically as my time to have other children runs out.

    • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

      Her previous husband dumped her because although they apparently agreed to be able to sleep with other people, she broke their agreement to not share body fluids with her pick-ups

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