NoPa Crisis: Medjool Dates Are Doing In Our Judy!

Sugar is poison but our burro just can’t say no:

Those of you badasses who somehow manage to avoid the sugar demons – what did you sub out for treats if, say, you have an intense sweet tooth?

I’m trying … for the 70th time … to wrest myself from the glucose-insulin-spiking jaws of sugar (a lifelong battle, it seems). The forms my sugar addiction takes are rather limited, but nonetheless potent: I tend to eat a lot of medjool dates (go figure) and it’s not safe to leave me around bar of “healthy” chocolate (particularly Honey Mamas, which are like hippie crack, or a jar of honey, at least not if you would ALSO like to participate in said chocolate or honey consumption.

So I’m looking to sub these sugar bombs out for something that hits the same spot. Any ideas are welcome – both food and drink!

For example, I have this really yummy coconut matcha latte mix, but it has too much caffeine in it and I can’t have that either. Recs on yummy sweet drink mixes would be awesome as well.

THANK YOU!!!

My greg, kittens, we must come to Judy’s rescue, lest Dodi finds her crouched down and inhaling chocolate bars in the NoPa Whole Foods candy aisle! Faith Shorney – I guess things are ok between Donk & HIVE – told our burro that medjool dates shouldn’t be a problem because they contain fructose. But Judy isn’t convinced:

Things do look grim. Any ideas re: alternatives to sugar (poison)? Let’s put on our badass caps and become healing gods and goddesses!

107 COMMENTS

  1. La Phlegm has finally acknowledged that mangina has latered out of the “marriage”. I say good for her. But, that 2 & 1/2 years married part is a bit of a stretch when you’ve actually been separated at least half of it.

    Also, mangina is a gross weirdo. He put up some #grateful emotion on his half of their his and her divorce announcements, which is just so gross and weird of him. Good riddance. Never liked that giant- pubed street urchin who latered out on his own children as well as a wife during a crosscountry move. He’s what they used to call a scrub back in the 90s.

    • Look, this is my shocked face. If those two crazy kids can’t make a go of it, what hope is there for the rest of us? Oh, sorry, all the hope, because we are not users and losers.

      • We called this one months ago. He’s a nasty, nasty piece of work. More self-centered than Skankatron and a parody of irresponsibility. How anyone could be attracted to such an obvious loser in the first place blows my mind. la Flamme isn’t some college sophomore and this was her third try at the rodeo. SAD!

        • That she aborted their “child” right after acknowledging she wanted to get pregnant speaks to her insight into his worthlessness. She didn’t forsee just being unable to vacation in Brazil because of stuck with baby, she foresaw her whole life with baby alone, cross country moves and all.

          Ugh, do any of these scrub woo men actually parent? Or provide? Or have health insurance? Sleep in non-cars? Have return plane tickets before they travel? Own shirts with sleeves for actual jobs that pay in direct deposit of something other than drugs and STDs? It’s so bad that Smellsburg actually starts looking responsible with his bipolar vasectomy and noping out of kids. St. Pepper is the only one, despite wearing Underoos as eveningwear, that strikes me as having actual health insurance for the non-bathtub involved birth of his child.

          • Yes, but she should have foreseen that he wouldn’t be there for her when Sacha disappeared during their cross-country move. Again, how a woman pushing 40 found this antler-wearing, cacao-pushing, deadbeat dad to be marriage material says volumes about her emotional maturity. Maybe la Fraud and Jordo should be roomies.

          • He got his green card. She got money for an alleged abortion.

            s’all good!

          • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

            She should’ve foreseen that he wouldn’t be there for her when he abandoned his own children to live on another continent

          • “Underroos as eveningwear,” dead.

    • So Jena is finally fishing that turd out of the punchbowl, eh? Let’s hope she doesn’t take the blood from her next period and smear it on her face in homage to the divine goddess of singledom.

      One is the loneliest number and all, but, at least she doesn’t have to keep up the charade that selling hot chocolate is what paid for the antlers in that household.

    • Christ, those pubes. He’s like a big blue Gumby with a Rasta wig taped to its crotch.

      Oh well, now Jena can throw herself back into her bidness of procuring a steady stream of young polyamoureux for the old, rich and twisted. Mother-in-Love Patricia and Papa Chevalier aren’t getting any younger though.

  2. How old is she? Early 40s? And she’s been married and divorced three times? Maybe she should just try dating and not having epic romances.

    • But every woo experiences love in EPIC CAPS! When it comes to the actual daily grind and challenges of marriage, they tend to run for the hills. And we’re supposed to consult these folks for relationship and financial advice?

      • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

        So, Jordo is also a woo?

        • No, other folks experience this neurosis, but the woos have patented it.

  3. If Tony Robbins can’t fix your sugar addiction, did you even transform your life 15 times?

    • He couldn’t help her finish writing BOOK either, and she or Dadsers PAID to see Robbins twice during the St. Martin’s contract days.

      • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

        Did she ever get to interview him for her non-book?

  4. OMG, this latest from Donkey is hitting too close to home (literally!), as I also live 2 blocks from Bi-Rite, though in the opposite direction, down towards Hayes Valley. And I am in that store (where I sometimes think I spend, each time I’m there, the total dollahs I earned that day at my desk-errand gig [and it’s worth it]) like 4 or 5 times a week at least. I always keep a wary eye out for A Donkey lest I gasp or gag or chortle or otherwise make a scene (it’s quite a small store), but I have yet to encounter her and am pretty sure my 9-to-5 schedule will not coincide with her 1-to-whatever-a.m. schedule. “Hippie crack” — what scintillating wit from a deep well of intellectual acumen!

    • P.S.: Never saw that particular cake-licking picture of Donk, and I thought I’d seen it all. Apparently not, so thanks for that. (Is that from the “Here I am with salmon, in my nursing bra, on New Year’s Eve” fest?)

      • Definitely NYE. There’s an even better (worse) fauxto of her on the same night, in which Dancing Donkey looks as though she’s doing the hokey pokey.

          • One of the worst fucking disturbing pics I have ever seen. I remember it was one of the key items that helped me enter and embrace the basement.

    • Donkey never leaves the stall unless it is to pose for fauxtographs. She’s a frickin shut in loser.

    • Bi-Rite is just the loveliest. I used to stay with a friend who lived nearby and it was heaven. Expensive heaven, of course.

  5. Julia Allison, “hippie”.

    BIG LOLS RIGHT THERE.

    I live in a beautiful beach town overrun with these rich, white, pretend-vegan, faux-hippie, entitled arseholes.

    I call my so-called vegan-hippie colleague a flexaterian to her face, cos you put a tasty almond-cream filled croissant in front of her & she INHALES that shit. Lol.

    • So-called rich Julia Allison who presently has no job and as far as we know has had no income for at least a year! When this witch was flailing but trying I could root for her success in terms of her big magical fairy princess day of a wedding. But when she takes to the Internets to remove her and clean her image of Medstitute whoring and plagiarism investigations that were perfectly sourced from magazines this donk wrote for or was featured in or on the cover thereof, I get FRUSTRATED. Braying bitch dick sucking on a second date donk has even managed to get the edits that typically remain in the history erased!!! THIS AGGRESSION WILL NOT STAND DUDE!

      • A lot of work went into getting those citations removed, so she’s up to something. An epic podcast and OMG! marriage to the good doctor?

        • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

          Or maybe to clean up her image so that she can convince Son of Sam to put a ring on her hoof?

          • My guess is the same Unicorn Studded Rainbow – the donk get work on her “career” and keep it sane with a man at the same time. It is not possible.

            I just saw Alex Marson also has a wiki page. I think Donk gave him it. Why does she do this if she doesn’t want edits to happen??????

            I cant stand her need to be written about and admired along with her need to be wiped and revised from the Internet.

          • She could have just embraced her internet notoriety, laughed it off, but her tremendous insecurity and the scheming behind the scenes to get what she perceives as negative content shut down ensures that RBD or some variant will exist in perpetuity across the universe.

          • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

            As I’ve always said, she could never embrace the villain role — be the one people love to hate. She pathologically needs to be desired by all men and envied by all women.

      • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

        I’ve never rooted for her, because she keeps proving what a heinous person she is.

        • I was hoping for a wedding more to snark and laugh and watch it implode (unless she can really hold it together, in which case good on her). But now that she’s back to threatening and lying about journalism and infringing on the 1st amendment right of others, I am back at square 1 with this lousy Donk.

          She not only wants fame and admiration for herself, she wants it for Alex Marsen as well. She wants admiration for her perfect relationship with the good doctor. She’s forever a teen girl who cant stop bragging.

          • She wants to be admired solely for being Mrs. Alex Marson and doesn’t want anyone revealing the horseshit behind the facade.

          • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

            If she ever marries, she will never stop braying about it. It frustrates her beyond words that she’s long past her self-imposed expiration date and still a spinster.

  6. Does she think medjool dates are some status symbol? What’s with the “Go figure”? I bought them once and thought they were disgusting to eat by themselves. They have the texture of a high fructose prolapsed uterus. Maybe one date used as part of a sauce might work, but the thought of eating a dozen makes my teeth hurt. And they are expensive.

    She needs to stroll over to UCSF and ask Dr. Lustig about fructose metabolism, and have Dodi explain the biology to her. It’s one of the worst sugars you can consume in quantity, even in natural form. His “Sugar: The Bitter Truth” video is one of the best on the subject.

    • I wondered about Dodi and his colleagues, too. Surely they could provide some sound advice re: avoiding the sugar binges? However, the only responses came from the woo crowd, i.e., folks with no education or training in their respective “fields” but possessing the power to put up a shingle.

      She’s always referencing medjool dates as if they were the rarest chocolate in the world. I don’t get it, but “high fructose prolapsed uterus” would make for an eyebrow-raising screen name.

      • I will say, I do miss those damn dates myself. As a child, I’d go down to Palm Desert and get a date shake. Those things are heavenly!

        • I don’t believe I’ve eaten one. Goodness, am I less sophisticated than A Donkey?

          • It’s like hoovering a quarter cup of pure high fructose corn syrup inside a giant raisin.

          • I guess you can call me Hoover! I see them all the time at Trader Joe’s. All I can say is that they were never a status symbol in my house, just a treat we’d get once in a while when we headed south!

          • I’ll look for them the next time I’m in Trader Joe’s and want to discover my inner Judy.

      • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

        I’m guessing that Son of Sam and his colleagues don’t do much on social media — and when they do, they probably don’t have anything to do with Donkey’s inane babblings.

        That likely inattention to her online presence may be why she’s now furiously editing her Wikipedia page.

        • I have a couple of friends who are scientists with university teaching gigs and they do not have time for social media. The one posts on FB maybe twice a year.

          • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

            Same. That’s why I believe she didn’t have to rush to destroy her Wiki page

          • My guess is that she’s clearing it up so that whomever she is involved with on her ‘new project’ won’t flee for the hills if they read it. It’s just more scheme juices. She’s got some delusion about launching a new high-profile career, whether it is the podcast we speculated on, or something else.

    • Today’s job in hell is to diagram and then copy-edit this sentence:

      “I tend to eat a lot of medjool dates (go figure) and it’s not safe to leave me around bar of “healthy” chocolate (particularly Honey Mamas, which are like hippie crack, or a jar of honey, at least not if you would ALSO like to participate in said chocolate or honey consumption.”

      • Also, I like dates, I’ve had medjool dates, and I fail to see what’s supposed to be so special or bragworthy about them, but we all know Donk sees them as such, otherwise they’d be just “dates.”

        The best dates I’ve ever had were those that we received at work at the beginning of the Ramadan couple of years ago from the Saudi embassy. The package said something about how they are a gift from the Saudi king himself. And THAT’s where I would say that a “go figure” makes some kind of sense, because delicious dates / actual Land of Evil.

        • She’s trying to be adorkable: “Oh, Judy, when you said you were a sugar addict, we thought you meant M&Ms and cupcakes! Only our healthy, hippie Julie Baugher would binge on fruit, tee hee haw!”

    • “fructose prolapsed uterus,” seriously basement is on fire!
      I think I also might like this for an insult.

  7. Dunkee must be claiming a sugar coma to explain to dadbod why nothing gets done all day.

    Not MY fault! SUGAR is the culprit!
    Does this chocolate ‘stache make my ass look raft?

    • hhhm, interesting speculation.

      Also don’t you know she lives 2 blocks from bi-rite, in other words a nice neighborhood

      I guess since she dropped that in there

  8. It looks like Alex Marsen’s wikipedia page came around in March or April of 2018 – and he had not met Donk until summer of 2018 if what they both say is true. I think he might be the CRISP guy doing the editing on his own page. If Alex Marsen should get a wiki page for being a phd or md then so should every single god damn scientist in the United States. The only thing that should keep his page from getting deleted is that he gets his son of sam dick sucked by a donk in exchange for room and board on a regular basis! She’s a public figure and without her Alex Marsen is no one. He’s going to wish he could have stayed a nobody in the end when that whole “relationship” implodes.

    • “She’s a public figure and without her Alex Marsen is no one.” Are you kidding? First, it’s Marson, and second, he is doing groundbreaking research in genetics and being bankrolled by Silicon Valley billionaires and flown around the world to speak at conferences. I don’t know what you are thinking.

      • Excuse me, Alex MarSON, as in SON of sam, which it makes it easy for me to remember. I know he’s a very important man just like all the other scientists at every other state school in the country – except he has donk blood now. So he’s like superman curing whatever it is he does and figuring out ways to clone her whorey braying arse. He should cure HPV by suggesting that everyone find a way to get it so that in a way it ceases to exist. I can think of a methodology to make this happen.

        • Except he’s not like all the other scientists at every other state school. Get your facts straight. His dating Donkey has no bearing on his status, you are deluded if you think so. I’m sorry to be so blunt but you need to get a grip.

          • Yeah, his page was up there prior to Donk and Marson has his own lab and quite a solid reputation. His sister is also a very successful film producer. Neither one of them has enhanced their public persona by being associated with A Donkey. On the other hand, our burro hasn’t done this well since dating [REDACTED].

          • I think you forget that she also dated the beloved and famous, Rain Phutureprimitive, superstar musical artist. If you liked Yanni, you’ll love Rain.

    • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

      To call her a public figure is really stretching it. If she’s a public figure, then every Twitter nitwit with a blue checkmark should have his/her own Wiki page.

      Even at her peak, the only people I know who’d even heard of her were those who’d either witnessed her psychotic antics or heard about them from others. Even people who regularly watched Fox News had no clue when I mentioned her name

      • Duh, she has made 400 appearances…so go read her updated wikipedia page. She is not a pundit, she’s a *T.V.* pundit and to her editors and the revisers of a donk’s tale think that is an important distinction. Also she doesn’t like to be called a guinea pig of love despite that she’s the stupid donk who invented the title back when she was braying pitiful moron before she found her stride thanks to Anna the love coach. How about rodent of unrealness? “They think I’m crazy.”

        • This needs clarification: she was NOT a columnist for ELLE magazine; as part of her reality show gig, she was supposed to do a column for Elle.com so it would look like she had a job (like the other 2 women on the show.) Of course, she whined and cried about having to do this [minimal] task, and turned in shitty work.

          Similarly, she did not “speak” at “Wharton”— she sat on a panel about women entrepreneurs, thanks to her phony business, the vanity blog Non-Society… it wasn’t even held at Wharton, but at a local hotel.

      • She done nothing for so long before she did nothing with some visibility long ago.
        What does she think (if G’s hunch is correct) she’d use for content on a podcast?
        She’s pedestrian, uninteresting, obnoxious, and unfunny; and, those are the most flattering of her qualities.

  9. Can anyone clear it up for me, please? When dick sucking donk sucked dick on Miss Advised and Bravo set that redonk episode forth as the second date between donk and the prom king (not sure if this is another prom king than the one sometimes mentioned on this site, but i’m referring to the dude she forced to dress up for a prom on the show) was that actually not their second date?

    By the way – that was not even a date. It was a party where he hung out with her in a group setting.

    • Things were shot out of order on that show. She has a picture she painted on her “last” date hanging in her bathroom in earlier episodes.

      If you want to do research on Andrew, who was the prom date, you can look for Jelly D in the archives. He performed as a rapping donut. There was debate here about how many dates they actually had, apparently not all were filmed.

      • I vaguely recall that. Can’t believe there are two men that donk knows who could be nicknamed prom king. WTF. I can’t believe Bravo lied to us, *gasp*. Typical relationship for donk where she “dates” the dude for about 2 months or so, just long enough to have sex once or twice. Brayyyyyy.

        Can’t understand how she manages to keep MarSon Son of Sam. It is now blowing my mind.

  10. What I don’t get is why, when she is licking a baked and frosted final product, there is a box of gluten-free cake mix on the counter, along with other cake-making/serving items (canned frosting, a cake stand, etc.) It’s almost as if the picture was … staged or something. Also, dollars to (gluten-free) donuts, the licked caked is a (not gluten-free) store-bought dessert.

    • Sadly, this reminds me of a good friend of mine. She has some hippie-ish (not entirely woo-ish, thank Greg) tendencies, won’t touch any deodorant that has aluminum in it, regularly using sunscreen or moisturizer is apparently too much of a chore, BUT she told me last week that she’s going to get her forehead botoxed because she’s on the prowl for a masculine and “I just believe that’s easier when you look younger.” I have been facepalming since then.

    • Unicorn Studded Rainbow Named Shirley - 1st Ever Commenter on the New Site! 🎉🎊🍾 (NOT Ali Shanti/Alexis Neely/Alexis Katz)

      Hyaluronic acid (which is what Restylane and Juvederm are) is something our bodies produce. Not unnatural at all. And when you have a really good injector who never overdoes it and is known for his subtle work, nobody can tell you’ve had it done. That’s why Donkey has a wonky face.

      • Also fat injections can work well if done right. They don’t usually need repeating either, like the hyaluronic acid ones, that eventually become absorbed. I’ve had both kinds done, very subtly.

    • Good catch. Coincidentally, she had just recently moved in with Rain then, and now she has just recently moved in with Dodi. Maybe this confession comes out whenever her new cohabitees start noticing her hoovering scores of sugary carbs, and she feels she has to justify it somehow. Oh, its healthy! I’m eating fruit!

      Last time she says she was on a candida diet, a pseudoscience about which Dodi would laugh his ass off.

      I wonder if her new project is ‘Wikipedia scrubber’. Because she sure took the steel wool to hers. Nothing to see here! Even managing to sanitize the sentence about the Post SATC story.

      • It still says that she took on the persona of Carrie Bradshaw when she moved to NY. It should be added the amount of time she lived like that. What fucking adult would think that’s normal. And if you were scrubbing your page clean, how could you leave that on there as if that doesn’t speak volumes to the world. She doesn’t even get what a toddler, idiotic-sugary-fruit-loop-fucktard-braying Donk she has always been.

      • She has a connection to Jimmy Wales and he was accused of scrubbing her wikipedia page previously, so nothing would surprise me.

  11. “Hippie crack”? Hippie crack is actual crack, judging by the looks of Ali Katzenjammer and her friends.

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