The Caterwauler In Crisis: 40-Year-Old Idiot Gets Naked, Does Cannonball Into Pool, Breaks Foot

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No idea if Jaahass is still dating Aussie Petey Pineapple – her relationships tend to have a short shelf life – but she is apparently in Colorado and did recently break her foot. For reasons that elude logic, The Caterwauler’s recovery consists of posting naked fauxtos of herself to Instagram.

In other Jaahass news, the HeARTist lets her real-life sister know she still loves her and they’re still sisters, even though the woo goddesses call each other “sister” (and “mamma” and “lover” and “rainbow”):

Bottom Deep Thought! Judy promotes existential therapy, which I’m not entirely sold on but at least involves actual schooling and licensing, not just some sociopath putting up a shingle.

72 COMMENTS

  1. Can you imagine the embarrassment of explaining, “Well, I’m hovering around 40 but I broke my foot doing a naked cannonball into a pool? Pass the aha please!”

    • Do the woos actually experience such an emotion? Because if you’re not embarrassed about having sex with your elderly, former mother-in-law during your bachelorette party, I’m guessing embarrassement never enters into the picture.

      • Thanks, Aunt Gilly! This headline made me laugh out loud so hard. I heart(ist) the original “caterwaul in crisis” too. You’re the best!

    • The fact that she was naked is wholly unnecessary to the story, but clearly a point of pride for the narrator.

  2. Shallow, I mean the pool. Or hit the edge from a roof.
    She’s at least 58 and please no videos of her caterwauler, worse than a meshshirt pic

    • Now I’m imagining Jaahass, naked and high as a kite on plant medicine, jumping from the roof and hitting the diving board.

        • I am actually super-curious. Does she have bone loss from starving herself/not being able to afford food? how does a person break their foot doing a cannonball? Your theories are plausible but DAMN.

          • I am gregdam glad that you mentioned this. The woos can’t afford to eat, so they get the byproduct of being thin. They’d like us to believe it’s from all that yoga and ecstatic dancing, but I’m convinced it’s cause they’re broke.

  3. I just read that article on Existential Therapy in the Atlantic. I’m bothered knowing Donk and I have something in common.

    • Something in common? Doubtful, since you said you read it. She likely just skimmed it looking for something to quote.

      This is not a surprise to me because it’s about time for her to be at that point where she is either making excuses for her bad behavior via finding substantiating articles, or she scolding someone on their behavior via substantiating articles.

      I wonder if latke is back to hitting up the titty bars

      • I hope we don’t get a slew of links to DUMB articles that Donk finds so insightful, though it’s clear she hasn’t entirely read them or absorbed their arguments. Remember those male circumcision posts that Cancer-Free Dan called her dumb ass out on?

  4. Hey, I broke my foot recently, too! But I didn’t receive the gift of greater listening and stillness. Instead I was gifted with an increased awareness of my physical surroundings, particularly a heightened knowledge – one might say hyper-vigilance – about the location of my toddler’s toys when I’m walking around my house in the dark.

    While I thank the Goddess for this new awareness, I regret the missed opportunity to post naked pictures of myself to Instagram. I suppose I shall just have to wait until the next time I injure myself doing something stupid.

    • If it’s really recent and you’re still healing, I hope you get completely well soon. And I hope it was the “easiest” type of fracture.

      Which is pretty much what I had when I broke (one tiny bone in) my foot in August 2017. I’ve probably mentioned it / whined about it here. Similarly to you and unlike JaaHaas, I was not doing anything OMG special and sexy at the moment, I just took a very fast and very wrong step in my OMG high heels from OMG Milan. I received the gift of staying at home for six weeks and finishing a book translation well before deadline. I also missed the opportunity to post sexy sex pics of myself online, so fail for me I guess.

      • HELLO, neither of you are completely healed until you post black and white fauxtos of your butt crack for your Facebook friends. That’ll be $777.77, please, for my sacred divine epic online shamanic goddess healing ceremony.

        • Hroswitha & Helena, be sure to take advantage of fellow goddess Tingolayo’s generous offer. Her Sacred Divine Epic Online Shamanic Goddess Healing Ceremony is usually offered at $1500 per participant, so be sure to send your credit card information ASAP before the remaining spaces close! We’ll even include breathwork and a bowl of couscous FREE if you sign up before 5 pm!

          • Damn it; I missed the chance for couscous at Tingo’s ceremony. That’s what you get for procrastinating your sacred goddess healing chakra cacao ceremony sign-ups, I guess.

        • Hesitant to point out the multiple use plug like accoutrement holding her outfit together.

      • It was surprisingly bad fracture given how minor the cause of it was. Those kinds of random things happen, though; I have a colleague who broke her hand making her bed.

        But many thanks for the good wishes; my doctor says I’m 90% healed (I don’t know how he arrives at his percentages but it’s something he’s really into). Because of various work necessities I couldn’t stay home – I even had to go into work straight from Urgent Care the next morning – but had a wheelchair and some really good drugs for the worst couple of weeks.

        Strangely, the day after I broke my foot I got an email from my friend who is backpacking around Asia & he told me he broke his arm while hitchhiking in Mongolia. My first impulse was to ask him if he was all right or if he needed any help/money, but I’m ashamed to say that my second thought was ‘Damn, his injury story is so much cooler than mine.’

  5. I haven’t read The Atlantic article, but the quoted lines make me crazy. AS IF we’re privy to the consciousness of other animals, the content, and their intimations of mortality. Jesus rollerskating christ, this isn’t the age of Aquinas. Humans just never improve.

    • Oh, Handbag! My professor ex was an Aquinas scholar and would quote him to me ad nauseam. It’s all coming back. “When Aquinas refers to epistemology he is referring to knowledge AND its limitations, though such knowledge can include a hyperawareness, understanding of others.”

      • I kid you not, I deleted a line from my comment about epistemology (and ontology!) for reasons of snark. You and I are brain twins in many ways.

        • I had a housemate at university who referred to himself as an ‘Aquanian epistemologist’ and he was as annoying a housemate as you might imagine.

          But mostly I just wanted to post & say that i love your new avatar, Handbag.

        • Epistemology was one of my favorite grad school words, probably because Duke scholar Eve Sedgwick’s “Epistemology of the Closet” was one of the most important books read during those years, as were Foucault’s “Discipline and Punish” and “The Birth of the Clinic.” Those were some good years.

          • I went to uni in Los Angeles and was part of a group of students that was chosen to attend some of Derrida’s seminars; he would periodically come to UC Irvine and my prof in LA was one of his translators/lovers. Pretty good years, indeed.

          • Dear heart, I think you and I are closer than you ever imagined. Did you know they paid Derrida 250k/yr to teach one seminar course during spring quarter?

          • He was sweet and diminutive and REEKED of cigarette smoke.

            But my favorite of that crowd will always be Riffaterre. He was dashing as hell.

            Good times, good times.

  6. I really would like to go all Animal House with that ukulele. Her lame, unimaginative strumming and her nasal affect makes me want to rip out my cochleas.

    • I showed that video to my sister, who then refused to believe me that some clown had written about Jaahass in the New York Times. “But her voice is horrible, her uke skills suck, and that song is just dumb.”

  7. The person with the handle “holisticsexcoach” must be a complete delight to talk with, and not smelly at all.

  8. Is that her broken foot on the end of her arm?

    Otherwise, yeah we get it Jess. You’re long & lean & lanky. Lucky you.

  9. This may have posted already but Jess also wrote a “book” as the donk posted looking for contacts at a “conscious” publishing house.
    Julia Allison
    January 8 at 2:45 PM ·
    Does anyone have a friend over at Sounds True publishing? 🙂

    Or any other conscious publisher?

    Jess Magic, Jena la Flamme, Myka McLaughlin
    3 Comments
    Like
    Comment

    Annie Lalla
    Annie Lalla we know Tami who runs sounds true, what’s it for?
    Hide this
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    · Reply · 1w
    Julia Allison
    Julia Allison For Miss Jess Magic to publish her epic Book!! Finally!!!

  10. Well, Donkey is certainly the one to turn to for advice about publishing an epic Book. (Interesting the initial cap on Book. Reminiscent of BOOK. RIP, BOOK.)

    • P.S.: Is Jaahass’s winky emoticon after “major organs” meant to refer to her vajayjay? Cause, ick. Speaking of vajayjays, we have not seen that gif of Dead Russian Hooker #2 doing her “I can STRETCH and I can KICK” routine in quite some time.

  11. I am gregdam glad that you mentioned this. The woos can’t afford to eat, so they get the byproduct of being thin. They’d like us to believe it’s from all that yoga and ecstatic dancing, but I’m convinced it’s cause they’re broke.

      • I’d assumed they couldn’t afford to eat. Or spent money on drugs instead of food.

      • It’s because they’re all so Greg damn special… for every food sensitivity that exists, they are 10 times as sensitive to it because, you know, they FEEL so much more than mere mortals. And yeah, they’re broke too.

      • I love the selection on Hulu, but I sure did have a lot of problems with them… Canceled twice and they kept reinstating my account and charging me with no notification… sound files were corrupted and kept overlying on the next program I would go to… Sure wish they get their shit together.

  12. I’m late to the game here, but I just had to chime in. I’ve been a poster/lurker from waaaaaay back. I may have even known Julia once upon a time in NYC. I’ve had my own business for 14 years, and mostly kept quiet when Donks went on and on about being an “entrepreneur.” Being an entrepreneur/business owner is HARD. It is stressful to worry about things like PAYROLL and RENT and GOING OUT OF BUSINESS, Donks.
    Now I’m changing careers and studying my ass off in Grad School to become a Humanistic-Existential therapist. It’s really just a broad framework of ideas that are quite empowering, and can be used in conjunction with other therapies. My professor in this specialty is nothing short of inspiring. SO GET OFF MY LAWN FOR THE LAST TIME DONKEY!!!’

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