Be Best: The Deep Thoughts & Electrifying Interpretive Dance Of Kristina Block, Avocado’s Russian Mail-Order Bride

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Kristina Block, wife to Donkey’s first dirtfest DJ, Avocado, is a model, dancer, performance artist, conscious movement facilitator – whatever the hell that is – and founder of Mindful Models, “a social movement that celebrates diversity, cultivates mindfulness and catalyzes leadership in the modeling industry.” In other words, a handful of professional models with ties to the woo community who are attempting to be relevant. These women are setting the world on fire:

Looking to find her purpose in life, Kristina left her native Russia in 2012 and moved to Bali. She then made the trek to New York City in 2012 and hooked up with Avocado, marrying him at Burning Man and obtaining that all-important green card.

Though Kristina knows she has it all – looks, talent, smarts, ambition, a woo rolodex, and two homes, one in Brooklyn and a new one in Boulder, PAID for by her appallingly unattractive husband’s parents – she sometimes experiences moments of doubt:

Oh, the humanity! How should Kristina make money her passion? Two words: Money Map. We’ve got a live one here for you, Skankatron!

The Be Best News: Kristina did find her purpose in Bali, to enthrall the world through dance. Behold an interpretive softshoe inspired by Stanley Kubrick’s “Eyes Wide Shut.” Be sure to check out the African tribesman and highlander that pop out of nowhere:

Holy merde! Agnes de Mille is turning in her grave. The only thing more ridiculous than Miss Ukraine’s gyrations during the talent portion of the Miss Universe competition is, of course, the original Bottom Video:

21 COMMENTS

    • HA HA HA! I didn’t make the connection, probably because I’d passed on “Red Sparrow,” though I’d liked it the first time I saw it, when it was called “Salt.”

      • So tortured, so tormented. How could anyone understand her Russian, Russian pain?

        • The choreography looks like something my best friend and I would have concocted in my family room, age 11. “So when I say blind, cover your eyes so you can’t see. Get it ?”

          • This. My kid choreographed a dance to an Ariana Grande song that she and her besties ? performed for their school’s talent show that was more accomplished than this diaphanous woo shuffle.

    • or the Burger Queen equivalent as far as dumminess

      cept she got the marriage and greencard and no coat ghouls

  1. I had never noticed the dude (front right) imitating Donkey before. Bottom Video holds so many treasures.

  2. Slay bottom video, slay! Rivaled in greatness only by “bottom” picture.

  3. I feel that I need to add that Rain is a truly terrible DJ. That music is awful.

  4. So if the woo lifestyle is so “healthy”, “spiritual”, “organic”, “transformative”, blah blah blah, why are these people so tortured all of the time? Did anyone else see the FB post from Rain luva Ms. Morgenstern about her “mourning” (most likely relationship troubles)? Someone replied about how they lost their husband and son in a car accident while on a family vacation. She and her daughter, who was five, survived and then she had to get through her mourning while also adjusting to raising her daughter alone. If that doesn’t make you take you look in the mirror and see what a whiny, privileged asshole you are, I don’t know what will.

    • Stacey Morgenstern is a fucking nut case. Remember her wack post about the vaginal warriors from whom she was reincarnated? Geez, that plant medicine must really be doing wonders for this delusional crowd/

      Re: Morgenstern’s recent cryface post – “please tell me something wonderful about yourself” – Ali Shanti was nice enough to leave her a response in which she indicated how much her son didn’t want to go to another dirtfest with her. Behold The Great Criswell!

      Ali Shanti Something wonderful is that I leave for Costa Rica in the morning for NYE in the jungle, taking my 15-year old son (somewhat against his will, but I also know that he will be happy that he went after and that he and I need the time together). The funny part is that Life kind of “forced” this on both of us in a way that created it, and I would not have necessarily chosen on my own without the force of life, and yet it’s exactly what we both need.

  5. That Cat On A Hot Tin Roof slip being worn by Bridevacado is a straight-up Handbag special. My firstborn and I have taken to calling everything “clothing,” because if we don’t we’d never technically get dressed. If I say I’d be happy to run to the store with her, except I’m wearing yoga pants (I’ve never done yoga) and a giant fisherman’s sweater that belonged to an old dead neighbor, she says, “Excuse me, I believe you mean, ‘I am fully dressed and will be waiting outside for you.'” Totally works.

    • As someone who works from home, I love this so much.

      I’d also love to see Kristina perform as Maggie the Cat in the Camp Septic production of “Plant Medicine on a Hot Tin Roof.”

  6. I’m just curious who has the time to sit and watch these stupid self absorbed assholes perform their so-called Art? This is literally the last thing I would ever want to do with my free time.

    • I seriously believe their entire free time, which is all the time, consists of creating these shitshows or watching their friends’ “art.” Who the fuck else has time to sit through this garbage? Re: Kristina’s YouTube dance posted over one month ago, she has one like and one thumbs down. THIS IS SUCCESS!

  7. “Am I worthy of love and money”. What happened to being above all of that, loving yourself and letting the Universe provide? Man, these Millennial woos are confusing.

    • “Am I worthy of love and my in-law’s money?” There, fixed that for ya, Kristina.

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