Donkey & Dodi: The St. Moritz Saga Continues

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Thank goodness the exuberant masculine was able to guide the hurling feminine to safety. It’s a rom-com adventure like no other, a landmark episode of The Mary Tyler Mule Show!

Lock it down NOW, Judy. You know Rain PhuturePhuckPhace could never have afforded such a spectacular vacation from vacation-itis. Don’t let this meal ticket get away!

92 COMMENTS

  1. The rainbow snowsuit. Oh, Donkey.

    And let this be a lesson to both of them about jumping into things too quickly. Including not acclimating oneself at 6,000’ elevation before skiing.

  2. If one googles “rainbow striped ski suit,” this one is the first image that appears. It’s called the “Sunrise Shredder,” by Tipsyelves, and it’s $225 on Amazon Prime.

    • I bet Dadsers can’t write checks fast enough to groom Donkey in style for her new prospect. This is their big chance to get her off the payroll.

      • LOL. I imagine him with a semi-boner, furiously writing cheques, while dressed in a Christmas theme sweater.

        • Robin is thrilled! What had been Peter’s annual boner, a one-day event occurring after Donk had flown back to San Francisco post holibray, has been springing to life several times per week since August. Miracles DO happen. Don’t let your mom down, Donkey!

          • Now it makes sense why Robin was with a donkey on Bali. Coaching on catching and keeping a man. Maybe she’ll listen to her mother now that she’s expired and a lab rat is her best option.

          • Can you imagine? Going one year from ”Our daughter is dating a middle aged hallucinogen-taking disk jockey who won’t pay for her meal when they go out to eat,” to “Our gaughter is in Switzerland, taken there by her famous research scientist boyfriend.”

            Pettifogger and Robin are again able to hold up their heads at the University Club.

          • Trust, they’ve told the miraculous news to everyone from the choir director to the janitor at The First Congregational Church of Wilmette. “We had some worries but always knew she’d marry well! God bless us, well, just me and Robin and brilliant Britty and our amazing girl!”

  3. A few years ago — by then Mr. Handbag and I would have been together eighteen years or so — I contracted food poisoning from kung pao chicken. I was the only person in my family who ate it, so the Bigger, Lesser, and Emergency Backup Handbags were all fine. I woke up in the middle of the night and managed only to sit up, turn around, and put my feet on the floor before I began vomiting. Mr. H was there in a flash, and said, “I’m going to move your feet to a clean spot and guide you to the bathroom — just put your hand on my shoulder,” and as he did so, I threw up all over him. He didn’t even flinch. Over the next hour he got me in the shower, cleaned himself up, scrubbed our bedroom floor, changed the sheets on our bed, called our doctor’s answering service.

    I know I’ve said it here a hundred times before: everything Mr. H does feels like love. There is, however, something special about enduring the vomitorium with someone, and that night is one of the reasons I try to be both kind and sparkly to him at all times, even when I feel like being an asshole.

          • The two most important items on the checklist:

            55. Is ready to get married in the next two years [though that requirement has probably been shortened to two weeks – ed.]

            71. Will support me in whatever I want to do [pay for dirtfests and vanity projects, provide substantial massage allowance, look the other way when I screw DJs, fund my grifter friends’ conjobs – ed.]

  4. I’m calling B.S. on this episode of the MTMule show. Didn’t she go to Macchu Pichu and take plant medicine for a week without incident? She totally faked this incident to see how the new mark would react.

    • So, I immediately thought that this was her way of not having to spend time with him doing physical activity and she can instead do a little shopping, look around for fatter wallets in a fahncy ski town.

    • she went to macchu pichu? man, i am currently a bona fide sad jealous hater

      when i read this i was wondering if she’s not eating and drinking water to stay thin / get even thinner and that’s why she got so dizzy

        • also: their beginner trails are probably equivalent to black diamond runs here. level of fitness may not support strenuous exercise after her (largely) contemplative and sedentary lifestyle.

        • Machu Picchu is nearly 8,000. But then again, Debois probably wasn’t going to pass a mountain-love-vomit-test at that point.

  5. Awful thought: what if she’s trying to convince him that she’s knocked up?
    Worse thought: what if she really is?

  6. Did she shart and barf at the same time? Because that’s the REAL test. And I really wish she would stop trying to make Rainbow happen.

    • I see what you did there.

      Seriously, though, I really do appreciate that you always bring your “back hoof” game and I am not ashamed to admit that I have tried follow suit.

  7. It’s remarkable that she ALWAYS ends up looking like someone’s special needs child that wandered off into the woods and emerged 30+ years later. And that’s a LOOK she goes for. What a maroon.

    Well…I guess she is a speshul needs toddler for petey and robin.

  8. Jena la dumb dumb commented “are you in Switzerland”?? bwahaha

    • la Dumb also replied:

      “Omg. You have style beyond style every where“

      Yeah, she’s a Midwestern hick “every where” she goes.

          • I was thinking it looked like something Mork would have worn on a very special on-location ski episode of Mark and Mindy.

          • I ALWAYS think Mork and Mindy or the apartment on Too Close for Comfort when I see that style of rainbow print. Donk is channeling the wrong decade, everyone is all about the 90’s now and she’s in the 80’s.

          • to: Julias

            sounds like we both share a photographic memory for obscure details from TV shows long ago

            BTW when I scrolled down and read the titles of all the episodes, I noticed some hilarious recurring themes. You could substitute half these titles for woo workshops, and the other half for low-budget porn

            Awakening (1)
            Awakening (2)
            Planet of the Slave Girls (1)
            Planet of the Slave Girls (2)
            Vegas in Space
            The Plot to Kill a City (1)
            The Plot to Kill a City (2)
            Return of the Fighting 69th
            Unchained Woman
            Planet of the Amazon Women
            Cosmic Wiz Kid
            Escape From Wedded Bliss
            Cruise Ship to the Stars
            Space Vampire
            Happy Birthday, Buck
            A Blast for Buck
            Ardala Returns
            Twiki is Missing
            Olympiad
            A Dream of Jennifer
            Space Rockers
            Buck’s Duel to the Death
            Flight of the War Witch (1)
            Flight of the War Witch (2)
            Time of the Hawk (1)
            Time of the Hawk (2)
            Journey to Oasis (1)
            Journey to Oasis (2)
            The Guardians
            Mark of the Saurian
            The Golden Man
            The Crystals
            The Satyr
            Shgoratchx!
            The Hand of Goral
            Testimony of a Traitor
            The Dorian Secret

      • Right?! Can we talk about this? Her husband has been AWOL longer than their marriage. What is with that? So. Very. Odd. Is that an honest to God green card con gone down in the public eye? He peaced out quicker than Katie Holmes when her contractual obligations expired. And she can’t really address it given her relationship/sex/marriage expert gig she has going. That actually makes me sad for the poor woman. He was so gross. I know it’s good riddance, but I still feel for the girl. Being duped must really suck. And who does she call to commiserate with? Smells? Another condescending, drugged out woo? Can you even imagine calling one of these side-shows for emotional support? The addled mind transcript of that phone conversation must read like Alice in Wonderland with a head injury.

        • What do we know? I don’t always peep her account but it seems like she’s just not mentioning him. It’s so odd!

          • The last husband appearance seems to be the beginning of October when she said he was leaving for Alps/Europa/some manor of vagueness and would return on Halloween. But, no return it posted. Weird. I mean if my husband was gone for three months not on military deployment, I would be contacting state departments Sissy-Spacek-style. If one is a newly deigned US resident green card holder and doesn’t actually US reside, doesn’t one lose the bestowed residency? And who runs a public facing relationship expert gig and not explain the absence of their partner for a quarter of the year. Something is askew.

    • “Have you seen my deadbeat husband’s abandoned children? If so, could you tell that our Christmas present to them will be my enrolling in salsa lessons to make the world a better place? Aho!”

        • ” … He left me to pack up my yoni steamer and our apartment all by myself – I begged random strangers on Facebook to help me! – while he found his bliss doing goddess knows what.”

          • Auntie Gilly, can we ask the gif/art powers that be to bestow on us a Wallace and Gromit Wrong Trousers Have You Seen This Chicken movie poster? But instead of the penguin with a glove on its head, can we get the Swiss mangina with one of those ceremonial horn hats on his melon and the caption “Have You Seen This Family Man – Reward from Wife I & II and Children I – III”?

          • If someone here would like to create that GIF, I would be happy to post it. As for your dotty aunt Gilly, I’ve never created a single GIF or even used fauxtochop. ss;sf

          • That’s OK, Gilly: We know you only own a cheap Canon camera, and everyone knows it’s impossible to use fauxtochop under those conditions. wink emoticon

          • How does one attach a photo? I have a DIY fauxtochop with crop and photo studio. Very basic, but still a chicken, Swiss mangina chicken.

  9. For proof of hard working sanity-5 edits to the post, among them these important refinements-

    He definitely passed the mountain-vomit-love test with flying colors. ♥️?

    He definitely passed the mountain-vomit-true-love test with flying colors. ♥️?

    He definitely passed the mountain-vomit-true-love test with flying rainbow colors. ♥️?

    • Such writerly writing! Mulia Mallison is a perfectionist. St. Martin’s should devote an entire BOOK to her Facebook edits.

      • graduated from the ‘eats shoots and leaves’ school of journalism. maybe she’s just trying to be accurate, and “flying rainbow colors” refers to effluvium, not the act of love.

  10. Christ, that ski suit. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a 38-year-old, supposed “adult,” woman.

    This is the third ski outfit I can recall her wearing in the decade-plus I’ve been reading here. Meanwhile she continues to wear the same ugly beige wedge sandals from 2004. I just cannot.

  11. She’s better at posing on skis than skiing–remember Prom King & getting back the ski legs she actually never had?–so I’m guessing she freaked out, wiped out, then made up this boohoo tale to cover up. Because she’s Julia, & dressing up for something is the same as knowing how to do it…

  12. I also loved “…our first ski adventure.” Not that she’s counting her chickens, or anything.

  13. Lulz at this guy who wants to be in the Snow! Skiing! fauxto album with Harold Ford and FlapJack McCain…

    He’ll rue the bray.

  14. Gilly? Still waiting for that update on Ali Shanti’s bedroom shenanigans. Per your advice, I’m refraining from
    a name change until all is revealed!

    • And I am still fasting. Well, just a few tiny sips of champagne and a vegan nibble or five of some mozzarella sticks from Houston’s.

      As excited as I am for sexy news about the mom of the century, I wouldn’t have missed this trip to Sankt Moritz for anything.

    • Can someone read it for me and summarize it? Thx. So, so busy running my scam and making culturally insensitive costumes, I barely have time to scold others for their cultural insensitivity, let alone read. ‘Kay, buhbye!

      • My first thought, too. I’m reading Coddling, which is smart, synthesizing much of the nonsense that’s been occurring on college campuses since the iGen starting attending university in 2013 and offering possible alternatives to the us vs. them mentality and lack of civility re: ideas that one doesn’t agree with.

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