Updated: Jess Magic Gets “Edgy,” Plans To Bring Gospel To 99% White Burning Man

Oh boy. Fresh off her NYTimes triumph, The Caterwauler is experiencing deep concerns about the white folks who attend Burning Man. They are without a sense of freedom! Jaahass channels Martin Luther King, Jr. to come up with a solution to their suffering:

“I have a dream … to bring gospel music to the burn this year.”

She then speaks of the “lineage of African Americans, who have experienced some of the worst violence and oppression of our times.” Jaahass ponders their oppression: “I started wondering of how I might bring a slice, one of the many contributions of African American people, to the playa.”

Jaahass has “a friend named Tru, a beautiful man I met in Harlem.” She’d like you to send Tru, his band, and Elijah “Paris Truther” Ray to Burning Man to create “this gospel experience.” She is confident her fellow white gods and white goddesses will be “transformed.” Jaahass would like black folks “to train a choir of burners to sing these freedom songs … and to experience and embody that level of resilience.”

Have fun parsing that!

The Caterwauler signs off, asking us, what does true freedom feel like? She cries and cries at the end of the video because our country was built on the oppression of so many people.

Hey, Ms. Magic, I’d be a little more understanding here if 1) You wanted to bring this experience elsewhere than to smelly, druggy, nearly-all-white Camp Septic. Do these narcissistic asshats actually pay any attention to the music? 2) You didn’t count Julia Allison, a lazy creature of entitlement still living off her parents’ money and terrorizing her ex-boyfriends, among your bestest besties.

In related news, founder Andrew Hewitt (Julia keeps liking his posts) is honored to be among the Silicon Valley asshats who’ve experienced the magic:

It gets better. Andrew and Jaahass leave a birthday rap for pusher Daniel Schmachtenberger – Julia worships at the altar of Danny and crazed, oversexed wife Roxanne DePalma.

Just keep appropriating minority cultures, Jaahass! Holy Fucking Merde.

Update: Amid the white hosansas to Jaahass’s brain fart, two voices of reason have appeared. Note: Courtney Blair is Ali Shanti’s L.A.-based sister.

101 COMMENTS

    • I saw that and meant to put it at the bottom of this post, but it feels like a Monday morning and I am incredibly busy!!

  1. Maybe if Chescaleigh is still reading here she can turn this bullshit into a script or a standup routine. Jess doesn’t give a shit about bringing POC to Burning Man, she just loves to be seen as someone who sings “soulfully” and so wants to bring along some black backup singers. It’s just another convenient cultural appropriation for this vapid tone deaf bunch of idiots. I wonder why she gave up trying to help women victims of violence? Guess there wasn’t enough grift inherent in that or enough opportunities for selfies with her foot-face and “songversations” croaked with her crappy vocal fry of a voice and a lame attempt at freestyling.

    • No, she’d probably say that we’re jealous of Jahss Magic or some shit. Hugely disappointed by the bit about Donkology in her book, tbh.

      • Maybe thinking about this would make her realize that the jealousy thing she espoused was bullshit.

    • She’s just staging this eyebrow raiser to get attention, not wanting to lose any momentum from the Times article. Though her white compatriots were beside themselves with encouragement, I’m guessing she backs down at some point because any “mainstream” press coverage will not be positive.

      • JFAing myself to add, “Then train my white friends to sing your songs – nobody understands the horror of slavery and the soothing balm of the spiritual like Julia Allison and my other besties. Once we’ve fully appropriated your musical heritage, we won’t have to invite you back the following year. Think of Pat Boone covering ‘Tutti Fruiti.'”

    • Black people, never: “I wish more rich, white people would take our traditional Black songs and make them their own, and then pat themselves on the back for ‘honoring’ Black culture.”

      Black people, never ever: “I wish more rich, white people would sing our traditional Black songs at their exclusive, $425 per person parties.”

  2. CWAA.

    And what in motherf-ing earth is bottom video? I kept waiting for a punchline, but it is just Jaaaahaaaaas doing her thing.

    • Whatever the fuck that is. Giving gang signs while reciting sophisticated lyrics, such as, “You’re so intellectual / You’re also kinda sexual?” I’m embarrassed for her and Hewitt, who’s a fucking tool.

      Yoo hoo, Andy! Judy liked another one of your posts!

    • that’s five minutes of my life i’ll never get back. also, am i suffering a bandwidth problem, or is it blurry all the way through?

      eminem he ain’t, and does she know her hat’s on backwards? (so edgy)

  3. JFAing myself from a previous post:

    The shirtless dude in the NYT fauxto is an orthodontist.

  4. I guess the lesson here is that everyone in kindergarten gets a gold star, even for blackface.

  5. Even Ali Scammy’s sister put her on mild blast for the inappropriate appropriation, heavens to mergatroid, my turkey feathers! divisions in wooville!

  6. The arrogance coupled with the her abusive lack of self-awareness makes me embarrassed to be a white woman. Sadly, wouldn’t be the first and won’t be the last time.

    This kind of shit does challenge me on days to remember that there are abusive people and non-abusive people. The donkey show is around because she and her *friends* are pathologically abusive people who also in this case happens to be a white woman.

  7. Is Jaahss bald or balding? Always with the hat or towel. Looks like she’d have pretty hair. Or is this a “hiding the head under the eyes of God” kinda thing for her new faux religion?

    • When we first found her a few years ago, she was cutting off all her shoulder length hair for some reason known only to her. Shaved it all off, then received a bunch of fake props and ahos from woo friends. Then she had some asymmetrical, partially shaved thing going on while she was getting the head wrap thing down. Who knows why these narcissists do anything except to make excuses to post more selfies for attention and praise.

  8. “lineage of African Americans, who have experienced some of the worst violence and oppression of our times.”

    What does that mean? Historical groups of people time traveling to receive violence and oppression? It makes no sense at all.

    • Have you forgotten? Her bikissual lover is the one with the “intellectual acumen.” Jaahass barely made it through seventh grade.

  9. OT: Oh no! Surely she has an attorney?

    Jena la Flamme
    8 hrs ·

    Seeking advice on handling a dishonest moving company. The NJ company charged me for 950 cubic feet. The delivery company in CA charged me for 585 cubic feet. I can see by the size of the truck and paying attention that it’s actually about 600 cubic feet. I was charged $8/cubic foot for 350 I didn’t have.

    Any tips for legal recourse? I paid with American Express.

    I’ve been feeling so bitter about being ripped off, as in my gut I knew I had been, but I didn’t realize I’d have the evidence to prove it.

    • When it rains, it pours! Too bad Sacha is always on foreign shores. Hope no one absconded with the block of cacao.

      Jena la Flamme
      2 hrs ·

      OMG, it gets worse. I am in a moment of suffering right now that is cutting to the bone.

      After the movers left I realized that multiple boxes of art are missing. I have cried a million tears of pure rage and loss. Now trying to breath, calm down and let go. I will file a police report, but I know these objects will never return to me. Indian gold silk bedspread. A candle-miler made of quartz. A wooden Shri yantra symbol. All my most meaningful objects. seriously. Except some valuable textiles, thankfully that arrived. I am the biggest fool. I left them get away with this. I’m soothing myself as best I can.

      Words of wisdom and comfort welcomed. I feel violated and see how I went with the cheapest company instead of the one that I knew was trustable and cost a small fraction more. I went cheap and I got thieves. Big lesson to me.

      It’s my practice to offer myself compassion in moments of compassion, so let me do that now.

      • Why a police report? Just file a claim. Movers are insured. I don’t understand the “I’ve been robbed” mentality. Stuff goes missing, whole boxes, all the time, hence, the insurance. It’s replacement value, and you’ll end up with nicer stuff in the end. I don’t get the woos, how they think, why their minds go to the places they do. It’s like opposite world. File a claim, get together your docs and receipts as much as you can and start shipping around for replacements. It’s actually quite nice. All new things. Think about it. That’s better than you had. I’d love it if somebody lost all our linens and housewares and furniture while they’re at it. New, nicer stuff, come to mama. Goodbye quilts our rescue doxie chewed the tags and corners off. Goodbye once beautiful Egyptian Cotton towels my huscat used to clean up the toilet overflow. Goodbye ugly crap I’m sick of. Not to mention if I were her, goodbye used sex toys. Hello, new, pretty things the doxie and huscat and nice thing wreckers aren’t getting close to. This is a win/win. How does she not get that? Also, it’s not an auto collision, honey, police report ≠ pay day. Claim + evidence of value and ownership + evidence of loss = nice, new things.

        • Um, she’s a scammer who’s married to a scammer who doesn’t pay child support. Next question?

        • But you don’t understand: a long-used and lovingly-cherished Lotus Pad ™ imbued/infused/saturated with the Sacred Essences excreted as the end-product of the couplings of a balding goddess and her way-good-looking-in-real-life reindeer-faced husband is IRREPLACEABLE. Ripeness is all.

        • Not to support crazy Jenna in ANY way, but standard moving insurance, as offered by moving companies, pays by the pound and offers ridiculously low amounts for loss and damage. And, of course, Jenna does not have any other insurance: renters, homeowners (laughter), health, auto, dental….nothing.

          It used to be relatively difficult to sort out which movers you want to work with. Now the magical website known as Yelp pretty much spells it all out for you. But if you spend your time on social media trying to talk all of your acquaintances into coming over and packing your junk up, you might not have time to look up your movers.

          • She went for the cheapest moving company and got what she paid for.

            FYI: La Phlegm has deleted both Wendy Whiner posts.

          • The other thing that you can do to save money is to spend it where it counts. Hire local pros to pack your fragile items, and then rent space in a van by the foot. Use pros to pack/optimize your space in the truck and put up the bulkhead. Then at the other end, do your own unloading and unpacking. I moved a houseful of stuff a thousand miles a couple years ago and this was a great way to do it.

          • Maybe she posted the scam in progress, sent to company with a threat and they settled for $199.00 quick to be rid of her… because self awareness ain’t one of woo traits

          • Or, get recommendations then look up those online. When I moved 6 years ago, I asked the doormen in the building I was leaving who they liked, and they told me. I then looked up that company on Yelp and Angie’s List, liked what I saw, and had a good phone call with them.

            I also moved certain valuables and delicate items here in the days before my move. I also made sure to have bottles of water in the refrigerator (I moved in late June!), toilet paper in the bathroom, paper towels in the kitchen, etc., before moving day.

            I brought my medications, a boxcutter, and my jewelry with me as I left my former place for the last time.

            And I made sure to pack stuff I’d need right away (bedding, toothbrush, landline phone, a few days of clean clothes & underwear, etc.) in boxes that I numbered 1,2, & 3 — so I knew to open those right away

        • It’s even easier than that. She could have planned the move: made an inventory of what she shipped; “box 1 of 10,” etc.; and then checked them off as they were unloaded.

          Instead, she didn’t pack anything in advance, sent up the bat(shit insane) signal at the 11th hour, probably threw stuff willy-nilly into boxes, and now claims to have been robbed.

          This woman probably finds a reason to send her dinner back at a restaurant–after she’s had her pleasurable fill, of course–and demand it be taken off the bill.

          • See also: maybe you shouldn’t move across the country without a bit of savings as a buffer against emergencies. The $350 you “don’t have.” Gah.

      • Oh the scammer knows what it is to be scammed now. She does not deserve compassion.

        • Huh. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m thinking that this is a scam in the making. She’s making it “Facebook official” ::wink emoticon:: is all.

      • PLEEEEEEEEEEZ, SOMEONE PHOTOSHOP DONK CARRYING THESE THINGS BURRO STYLE!

        Also, the above items total $5.46 and are available at any Botanica Store in East Harlem.

      • She is right about being a fool, not the biggest, though she is in the running

        Hahaha, and that packing sob story as the prelude in Harlem dancing all nite beforehand and no sister goddess came to help for free.

        Plus multiple insurance scams going, and green card marriage bucket drummer. Didn’t she marry for a green card too?

        • I’m amazed she’s able to get up in the morning and function. Her Bozo’s Circus clown of a husband is off doing god knows what, so Fivehead has to make the move to the other coast all by her lonesome. But putting a dish into a box is apparently beyond her capacity, so she has to beg for help on social media again and again and again. Then this idiot hires the cheapest movers working in NYC and is surprised when things turns out badly. And what allegedly goes missing? Some crap that she could buy at Pier One for peanuts.

          • I laughed so hard at this I embarrassed myself and disturbed my office mates in the secure, double badge swipe protected document review room. I couldn’t stop laughing and eventually stopped caring that I’d become a spectacle. People eventually looked away and shook their heads as I repeated “Bozo’s circus clown” under my breathe. It was so apropos of that Disney balloon-headed husband’s look.

      • moving 101: did she not keep a copy of the manifest, checking off the boxes everyone else packed when they were unloaded?

        • also (JFAing between desk errands) – if items are sentimental or valuable, they travel with you.

          we’ve moved five times, the most significant being from auckland nz to new york. each time we downsized, and got rid of stuff that was replaceable or impractical to move. what personal effects that were relocated were cataloged, and we made damn sure that items shipped was the same as items received.

          • She would have had to drive cross country, and I really can’t see her doing that without servants and sherpas.

        • also cell phones with cameras. photos or it didn’t happen.

    • Let me see if I have this right: idiot who claims to be changing the world thru spasmodic dance needs the Internet to tell her to file a fucking claim for lost boxes she couldn’t even pack w/out adult supervision?

      Meanwhile, when a brown kid on the other end of this flat earth gets thirsty:
      https://www.facebook.com/KurdNiga/videos/1675036199261659/

      I just remembered something… that time when La Phlegm claimed her car was broken into outside of Walmart on the way to Burning Man & all of her jewelry was stolen… Scamster sure does rack up some insurance claims, amirite?

      • First thing I thought of, too. I bet she thought “police report” in this claim because insurance told her she needed one for that one.

    • Has Mother Nature let her down?

      Jena la Flamme updated her profile picture.
      July 2 at 12:30 PM ·
      ~ Mother Nature Provides ~
      I crave peace
      And simplicity,
      The quiet life.
      I crave soft music,
      Babbling water,
      The songs of birds.
      I crave sunshine,
      Rain storms and sunsets.
      Starlit night skies.
      And all I crave,
      And all I need,
      Mother Nature provides.

    • I am amazed that someone who has moved as much as she has

      1) still hasn’t gotten this down to a science yet, and
      2) possesses so many “nice things” (they are clearly dear to her, even though I’m sure they were mass manufactured in China and passed off as handmade local crafts at a tourist trap stall at a huge markup)

      Most responsible adults do not invest their money in pricy curios if they are not tied to a place for a lengthy amount of time. The people I know who have more (forgive me) peripatetic lifestyles tend to be minimalists out of function: they trade nice surroundings and things for experiences. That is the trade off; otherwise, you risk ending up in the situation Jena found herself in above.

      Further, moving is a pain, but it’s not hard to organize. There are a kajillion “moving day timeline” and checklist posts online. I, a single woman without a moneyed community to lean on, have arranged and organized seven moves without a hitch. Did all the packing myself too. Three of these were cross country moves. It’s stressful, but it feels good to pull it off every time.

      Something I’ve come to notice is just how negative and whiny Jena is. Things always happen TO her, she has no ownership over situations, it’s always the worst thing ever, etc. Her first instinct is to post to Facebook for validation and attention. It’s very emotionally immature and unhealthy. She should go to therapy and learn some self-soothing and coping strategies which are less maladaptive and more productive.

      • Has she really moved a lot?

        In one of the pathetic facebook posts begging for help from her non-friends she said she had been in New York for seventeen years.

        Where is the masculine when you need him?

        Honestly, what kind of spouse will fuck off to the shores of Switzerland when you have a cross-country move planned.

        • I didn’t realize La Phlegm had even been in the states for 17 years. And yes, it’s appalling that her goofball husband provided NO HELP in making a long-distance move to the other coast, but he seems intent on following his bliss and everyone else be damned, including his children.

        • Oh it was even worse. He didn’t go to Switzerland while she was packing, he was performing with some other circus clown in Iceland and then in Philadelphia.

          • He clearly expects the women in his life to do all of the busy work, the grunt work, paying the bills, finding a place to stay, watching the kids, etc., while he’s off banging on the drums and downing aya with his woo buddies. SO ENLIGHTENED! A VERY OLD PARADIGM! I LOATHE men like this.

        • “fuck off to the shores of Switzerland” produced actual laughter. I really want to use it IRL.

  10. Fuck that shit. She really wants to do something? fucking advocate for actual causes or fundraise from all the $$$$ people desperately searching for authenticity instead of co-opting Gospel

    • I’m sure she’ll be as committed to this project as she was to Jeans 4 Justice.

  11. What annoys me most is (1.) the Shiva/Shakt posturing that’s out the window the minute an average, real-life challenge occurs. Then it’s all whining and threatening and lawsuits and “pay attention to ME!” And (2) the way people sell themselves as Experts in spite of having no experience, no training. no credentials. Makes me crazy!

    • All of this. The no experience, no training, no credentials thing I’m already well familiar with courtesy of a certain burro, but 1): exactly; if you are such a supremely enlightened goddess who goes from one magical transformation to another, how come you’re routinely crying “a million tears of rage and loss” over every banal inconvenience that most unenlightened peasants handle without drama?

      • Because she’s nearly 40 years old and has the emotional maturity of Michael Jackson.

    • She actually has a better voice than Caterwauler, though if I were her, I’d have strangled that bunbro before the end of the song for such shitty guitar playing.

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