Updated, With Petey’s Birthcray Poem! Jena la Flamme Is A Fucking Idiot: The Sequel / Jess Johnson Honors “Intellectual” Donkey

Marriage means my spouse and I might have to stay together in the same country for longer than two months? This green card thing is a real fake pain in my shoulder. Eek!

In other news, Jaahass Johnson just announced that she’s been tapped to emcee next month’s very white, very prethtigiouth Bali Spirit Dirtshow. The Caterwauler will presumably be staying with Donkey in a non-lesbian relationship.

The intellectual acumen of Julia Allison? Oh, Jaahass, no one with at least a two-digit I.Q. is buying whatever horseshit you’re selling.

Bottom Pictures! David “Avocado” Block snaps The Caterwauler and his Russian mail-order bride as they practice traffic signals for their new gig as school crossing guards.

Update:


Of course. Why should Julie not sit on her raft ass every morning in Bali? But good luck on getting her to ignite and actually do something, Dadsers.

57 COMMENTS

  1. Where’s a good cab accident when you need one?

    • Ow! My shoulder! Pain, pain, pain! Here’s a billion fauxtos of me and anyone with a pulse performing senthual danthing.

    • As is the Donk defender who keeps writing this same sentiment over and over again under several different names and the same IP address.

  2. “intellectual acumen of Julia Allison”

    words never before put together in seriousness, or is she signaling it is For Dummies

  3. Stop it, Jenna. You are making me like Verizon.

    I guess she has never heard of WhatsApp and can’t read the small print of a cellphone contract.

    Oh, well…..

    • tech entrepreneur julia allison didn’t tell her she could have had sound AND vision using skype?

      • I can’t understand how someone with her intellectual acumen did not know that.

        • Perhaps Julia was so busy brainstorming advanced publicity strategies for Jess’s upcoming Songerversation that she simply didn’t have time to consult with Jean Gray?

    • what could they POSSIBLY have to talk about? You can only refine your cacao recipe so far.

        • Here’s what they’re NOT talking about:

          His kids
          The impact of Trump’s steel tariffs on the Kentucky bourbon industry
          How to craft a cover letter for the stable 40-hour/week job they are trying to land
          The implications for Mueller’s investigation now that George Nader is cooperating

          • climate change
            teenage heroes of social media in florida
            organized crime in the white house
            immigration police breaking up families
            immigration police breaking up communities
            wars
            famine
            anything other than themselves

    • Or old school use the phone and talk to a human before you run up charges. Go Fund Me for her phone bill in 5…4…3…

  4. Avocado’s women remind me of David Smellsberg’s transatlantic tatooed fuck.

      • He is falling apart right before our eyes.

        He used to look 45, now he looks like an unhealthy 60-something.

    • Hey, Avocado reminds me of The Greasy Gargoyle’s iPad channeler. He has the nastiest tats I’ve ever seen, well, outside of prison lifers.

    • Either that or he’s finally realized that she’s not rich, she just had a rich ex and is now off to land a new sugar momma.

    • Look how candid! I am glad Casey was able to capture such an unposed and spontaneous moment!

      • Yeah, but he’s no Wendy K. Yalom or Monika de Myer. Where’s the coffee mug? Jena as wood sprite?

    • Call me old-fashioned, but what adult woman has random men taking photos of her rolling around half-naked on her smelly unmade bed? From the twat up, as well.

      Guess things with the Swiss whatsisface aren’t going too well. Or is she in fact a sex worker of some sort? I wouldn’t put it past any of these grifty goddesses to supplement their online begging with some pay-for-play.

  5. OMG, I swear I Spy a nasty saturated Lotus Pad ™ entangled amongst those thexy, thenhual, thrusting pastie-white weirdo Australian leggies. Ick.

    • Shade without actual consequences has been going on for years. Why does he continue to fly to her on her birthday every year, no matter where she is? Why does he keep giving her money? He could tell her all day she’s a fucking asshole but as long as the money and attention keep flowing, she will never change.

      • This. He wags his finger at her but continues to fund The Julie Show. She sighs, creepily plays Daddy’s Bestest Wittle Girl, and waits for the check.

      • What year, Julie?
        What dinner?
        The one you Facetimed from Ubud?
        Was there chicken?
        Are there pictures?

        • If he’d been down Bali way, she would have posted a fauxto.

        • This is hauntingly familiar. Is it a riff on a song from some well-loved musical like Gigi (I Remember it Well) or My Fair Lady? Or that Fosse one about the dancers? Or did it just randomly come out fully formed pure poetry? Whatever the case, excellent comment.

    • Be ignited, or be gone.

      I guffawed. Like, literally. Poor ol’ dumb Donk doesn’t even see it comin’.

      • This made me laugh (in my desk-erranding space that I thankfully have for myself only) more than you would probably expect.

  6. “…and yet commit to no labor in its cause? I don’t think so”

    Great stuff, Petey. Although this zinger sent to your failchild is pretty weak sauce… considering you’ve been enabling her for more than a decade.

    Now, cut the check and begone.

  7. international women’s day, and nothing from the woo crowd about the strength of sisterhood?

  8. He’s basically like, can you please get off your ass and care about something? You’re literally doing absolutely nothing. At all.

  9. So an ego-stroking shindig for empty-headed, privileged white Westerners is a “global festival”. It’s so odd that this massive phenomenon hasn’t hit the headlines.

    Also, “what’s shakin’ in the Pacific Rim” is Mount Abung, Jaaaasss. It’s been shakin’ quite a bit in the last few months, right there on Bali. I’m going to go ahead and assume that all you shapeshifters or gamechangers or whatever you call yourselves, never spare a thought (let alone a penny or an hour of your volunteer time) for the Indonesian people whose lives have been affected by any of the shakin’.

    What’s shakin’ is the sides of normal people, laughing at how fucking clueless and annoying you all are.

  10. I don’t know how to screen shot so the following is cut and past. She really revolting.

    “If you’re on the fence about where you live, I HIGHLY urge you to consider Ubud in Bali. It has the best quality of life of ANY place I have lived, including: Chicago, Washington DC, New York, San Diego, LA and SF (I’ve lived a lot of places). By an order of magnitude, honestly.

    The life I can live here for the money is just … so next level. I’ve felt my nervous system calm down for the first time in my LIFE!

    I’m going to be SUPER transparent in an attempt to give you an idea of what your life could be like if you moved here.

    Here’s a little side by side comparison of the (real) financials:

    ****SF in 2017****

    3 bedroom house in Marin no pool – $5500 base rent (split with ex-boyfriend)

    Utilities (heat/electric/garbage/internet) – $400 – $1000 / month depending on season

    Cleaners – 2-3 visits a month @ $150 ea – $300 – $450

    Car (purchased) – $455 monthly payment (plus $3500 down payment when I bought it)

    Insurance – $130 / month

    Gas – $120 / month

    Household Manager – Hahahahahah Like I could afford that, no way.

    Food – $800 / month for groceries (can’t really afford to eat out often)

    Massage – $300 for 2 hours / once a week ($1200 / month)

    Yoga – $15 a class

    Clothing – Expensive AF

    TOTAL PER PERSON COST: approx $6-7k BASE

    ****UBUD in 2018****

    3 bedroom villa in Ubud WITH POOL! – $2000 base rent (split with roommate)

    Utilities (internet/electric) – $350

    Cleaners 6 days a week – included in base rent (!!!) I do tip, so $50-100 / month

    Household manager – $250 / month part time – SO AMAZING, GAME CHANGER

    Scooter – $45 / month

    Scooter Gas – $10 / month

    Food – $20-30 a day for 2-3 epic organic gourmet meals out

    Massage – $60 for 2 hours / once a week ($240 / month)

    Yoga – $5 a class

    Clothing – Cheap AF

    TOTAL PER PERSON COST: approx $2500 – 3k BASE

    PLUS: the experience of the Hindu culture, We Consciousness and Deep Devotion – which is PRICELESS

    Here are the only downsides (as I have witnessed them):

    – the time shift is challenging if you need to communicate with the east coast (even the west coast isn’t awesome but it’s doable if you get smart)

    – the ability to make international calls isn’t ALWAYS flawless although it DOES work 70% of the time (but sometimes it really doesn’t)

    – you do have to make a “visa run” somewhere every 60 days unless you get a special 6 month visa

    – not sure about the dating scene here (well, I haven’t dated AT ALL but I feel like there are a lot of temporary residents: TONS of new age women and … dude yogis with man buns who don’t really do it for me. But that’s a generalization, so it may be off.)

    – missing your friends at home. This is a biggie and the only potential REAL deal breaker …

    BUT!! If you move here then the last one wouldn’t be relevant anymore! 😉

    Hope my sharing encourages you to consider other options … The US is NOT the only place on earth. 😉 “

    • How is she spending EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS A MONTH on groceries??? We spend like $600/month and that’s a family of 3. She can’t afford to eat out but buys, I guess, individually wrapped gold-plated brussels sprouts?

    • Well…whoever said she moved there because she can’t afford SF was spot on. So all she does all day is yoga and eat vegan? I would get so bored after a few weeks of this.

    • I’m dying at “The US is NOT the only place on earth.”

      Like she would know? And she’s only interested in tropical, woo, destinations. How about move to Croatia? I think that would be interesting.

      God, she’s such an IDIOT.

  11. Another cut and paste. She is so evolved. Still wants to emulate the superficial:

    Obsessed with their ridiculously brilliant girl friend chemistry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0mutl4l5hw

    Jess & Myka … #BFFGoals

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