Updated: Craymas Eve Chez Baugher

Fortysomething spinster Julia Allison celebrates the holibray with Mom & Dad & Accessory Pooch!

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Good Lord, that hearth is hideous! They need to gut the lakeside monstrosity and start again from square one.

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Beloved Bottom Picture!

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Update: Donkey works so hard coordinating the perfect phony family fauxto!

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254 COMMENTS

  1. Ugliest Flintstones fireplace ever, hideous. What the fuck sort of filter is she using that Dadsers looks like he’s weirdly photoshopped in? And isn’t it kind of embarrassing when your elderly dad is SO INTO Christmas it becomes costume play? Something perverse. Lily [sic] looks miserable and bewildered, as usual. Sigh. Donkey’s head looks gigantic in that picture. Didn’t she used to have something of an ass? None there now, whoof.

    As the year draws to a close, let’s take a moment to cheer all the great strides and advancements our Julia has made in her personal and proffes- BWAHAHAHAHA I can’t do it. Naw, she’s still the same dumb animal she’s always been- ought to be hanging around a manger on this blessed night! But lol, that would be actually doing something useful.

    Merry Christmas and Happy Hannukah to all the basement catpeeps. We’re SO BLESSED. Because we’re not sad dumb worthless slacker layabout Julia, tee-hee!
    xo!

  2. A very Grey Gardens Christmas. This family couldn’t take a candid if their lives depended on it, could they? Alone with the parents who see through her bs, no amount of fake happy poses mask how uncomfortable & miserable she really is.

    Thanks Gilly for bottom pictures and stoking the fire in the Bedrock fireplace year long for the basement.

    Happy Holidays & Cheers to a Happy & Healthy New Year!

  3. Merry Xmas and thanks for snark. Also, thanks for too many good book discussions to count. Someone recommended the Norwegian book Doppler a while ago; I adored it.

    Cheers to Gilly for a year of throwing logs on the lakeside monstrosity fire and proving a hearth to us all.

    • I was the one with Doppler. I went through a period when I talked about it pretty much on a daily basis. Glad to hear you like it! You would probably also enjoy Quiet Days in Mixing Part (that was the first book by Loe that I read) and Facts about Finland. I loved both.

      • I suspected it might have been you –I will buy these now! Payback recommendation: I recently reread O Pioneers, a Willa Cather book I read when I was 15, and it only improved over rereading. So much packed in to quite simple language.

        • Oh, yes! I reread One of Ours by her over the summer, and it was pretty amazing. I read her books for the information when I was a kid, and now I go back to them and am enthralled by the style. Just as you say, simple but full of thought and feeling.

        • Thanks for the rec. I have only read My Antonia and Lucy Gayheart by her, enjoyed both (especially the latter).

    • Also, happy Christmas, Hanukkah, and everything to everyone in the basement!

      I showed the first picture to my OMG lawyer baby (6 ft) brother who never heard about Judy. He asked: “Is that in the US?” I said “yes.” He then said: “That is horrible. The dog is the only one who clearly realizes that everything about the situation is wrong. The dog is the only sane person in the pic. Also, the fireplace is fug as shit.” I then showed him the other picture featuring Dadsers in the red getup and he said: “Oh, wow, a man dressed in red. You say he’s a lawyer? Why is he wearing his hair like that? Is that an American lawyer kind of thing?”

  4. Jules has her Adorable Preppy costume on for Mom ‘n Dad, aww how sweet.
    It’s all very “Daddy, look at me”.
    And Dadsers strikes me as 100% an enabler. Just two narcissistic peas in a pod.

    • An enabler? Just because he pays her rent and sends her on pointless vacations from vacation-itis? How dare you!

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      • Isn’t it weird her mom wouldn’t put up stockings for son’s wife and children? Looks like history is repeating, and she’s doing what dead grandmother did to her.

        • Very strange. My grandparents always had the six socks of their grandchildren hanging from the fireplace mantle and that was it.

      • That Baby Noah is the cutest, and their new one doubtless is as well (or will be; can’t remember if he’s arrived yet.). How must it gall A Donkey to have not just one but two little beings stealing the Craymas spotlight away from her.

      • So compare Dadsers upper lip here in the old pic with the new pic of him in the red pants. I will die laughing if he got lip filler.

  5. Okay, that is insane. They have two grandchildren, but only put stockings up for their now adult children?

    And two trees?

    I just Kant.

    Happy everything to everyone here!

  6. Dear catfriends,

    This year I am so grateful for you. As an update, I went for follow-up check up and it was clear that the kitten was gonna have severe, horrifying problems if it even made it, which was unlikely. The most loving and compassionate thing to do was termination (I could have waited for the heart to stop beating, but that could have taken until 20 or 30 weeks, and that’s essentially giving birth to a dead baby. Hard pass.)

    So, we terminated. Every medical professional we encountered was a shining light, but we ran into all kind of stupid, stupid laws. Had to drive six hours out of state, had to be ‘counseled’ by some poor doctor, had a waiting period, etc. Turns out even in cases of severe fetal abnormality, you go to the same abortion clinics as everyone else…You can’t just go to your normal doctor/clinic, even though they know how to do the procedure (and to be clear, all ladies should be allowed to make the choice for any reason and have it done in a safe environment close to home. Because wtf.)

    I am home and well now. Sad still, but I have no doubt I made the right decision.

    I have held all your words and good wishes close to my heart. Thank you so much and merry Christmas! Looking forward to more laughs in the new year.

    • I had the same thing happen to me last year. Having the right people around me was a huge help. (As was living in California and having Kaiser, where I could go to my regular doctor and be treated humanely.) Take care of yourself and I hope 2017 brings great things for you.

    • Peace in your heart, because you did the right thing, for you and for your baby. I am so sorry that our backward system made what was an immensely difficult and emotionally painful process even that much more miserable for you. Glad you are well and recovering. I hope you will let us know if we can help cheer you even a little bit.

    • Oh, Gimme Pig. I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish you peace and hope this Christmas, and may all your wishes and dreams for 2017 come to be.

      You were in my prayers at church today, along with Carrie Fisher and I. just. can’t and her daughter.

    • Peace and healing to you. You are a strong person to endure each of those situations. So thankful for the support you found and the care you were finally able to receive. Love and empathy to you.

    • I’m so sorry to hear. And I’m sorry our country sucks in terms of rules and laws that don’t support women. It would be so much more humane for all women who choose to terminate, for any reason, to be treated by their healthcare provider rather than have to go to a clinic with potential protesters and such. I wish you and your partner peace. I know you wanted to have a kitten and I wish you well with a future pregnancy and sweetie pie. You’re in my thoughts. <3 <3

      Pantsuit Nation, let's fix these crappy laws.

    • Wishing you peace. Knowing the likely outcome if you had continued hopefully made the decision easier, although what you had to go through because of these insane laws makes me weep. Making the decision to terminate, under any circumstances but even more so in yours, is hard enough; to then make women (and their partners) go through these hoops at such a difficult time is unconscionable.

      Glad you are home and safe and I echo the thoughts of the others here when I wish you the best in the future and that you are blessed with a lovely kitten. A kitten would definitely be blessed to have you as their mother.

    • That is so unfortunate, the are no words. I hope you give your self and partner time and patience that is needed.

  7. Julia lurches ito middle age, parents creep into elderiness. Momsers thinks of a new way of asking “what’s the plan now?” Julia tries to think of a new alternative to “other than you dying and leaving me this property or a previously unknown grandma cropping up and leaving me some ill-gotten gains”?

    All the great holiday traditions.

  8. I am always appalled anew when encountering those awful awful floor tiles at the lakeside assisted living facility. They are like something you would see in a McDonald’s. No wonder Donkey’s taste runs to the cheap generic version of whatever aesthetic permutation (NY it-girl, preppie, hippie, bespectacled author-at-writing-a-book, etc.) she seizes upon for a minute and a half.

    • You’re right.. I never noticed that before. Their tile looks like restaurant kitchen tiles. 😀

      And they should tear out that miserable fireplace hearth and redo it with flagstones or something else.

    • As I indicated in the post, the whole goddamn house needs to be gutted. And who decorated or didn’t decorate this atrocity?

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          • Do you think they are for her mom? Pyrex baking dishes are something you buy at the grocery store because you tried to pick up your old one without an oven mitt and you dropped the dang thing on the floor. It is literally like handing someone a pack of sandwich bags and some kosher salt and wishing them Merry Christmas.

            I don’t think gifts have to be (or even should be) expensive, just more thoughtful than a can of soup. I like to think those poor baking dishes were bought by Julia (why two? To show her generosity, of course!) and hastily wrapped in the basement.

          • You might be on to something there.. Do they sell Pyrex baking pans in the airport shops?

            Julia, you dirty wench, at least get mom a gift card to some place she might actually buy something she wants!

          • “It is literally like handing someone a pack of sandwich bags and some kosher salt and wishing them Merry Christmas.”

            HA HA HA HA HA!! I know! Why not just give her a ball of twine or a box of paperclips?

            It’s the thought that counts, eh, Donkey!

      • Glad Momsers ditched that severe cut and the one-color dye job. She looks so much better au natural.

    • 2016, you can leave anytime now

      also, carrie fisher, “stable” with no updates makes me very very worried for her. being on life support can be “stable” in the absence of other information. it’s not a real condition.

    • I just saw that on CNN.com.. So sad, 53 isn’t that damn old, damn. I remember some of his biggest hits on the radio when I was in high school. His collaboration with Elton John was epic, too.. R.I.P. George. 🙁

      • Why, 2016, WHYYYYYYY?!!?! *shakes fists*

        So many talented and amazing people lost this year.
        Our wonderful CuntBunnies is in good company. RIP.

  9. Oh my god… I’m a grinch but damn. We just bought a shitton of presents for the kids, watched them wind themselves up for a bit and then went out to the best Chinese restaurant in town and ate half our bodyweight. I don’t understand what is the point of putting boring shit into ugly paper and taking it out again. And making a HUGE DEAL OUT OF IT.

    Happy solstice, bitches

    • Didn’t she think she looked so cute with the tie? And the widelegged pants? I can practically feel her sister-in-law’s contempt as this loon appears in ridiculous outfit after ridiculous outfit.

      • Always dressing up in grade school pretend clothes. Always hogging the spotlight. Her poor sister-in-law must heave a sigh of relief every time she and Little Brother escape after spending Christmas with bossy, braying Auntie Julia

      • I love the way the pants are pooling on the (cheap tile) floor. She does this with maxi-dresses, too. Maybe she thinks it makes her look taller. Can you imagine the accumulated filth on the hemlines?

        • She’s just too lazy/cheap to get things hemmed. She did it with her bridesmaid’s dress for that cute blonde woman’s wedding, too (green dress, as seen in photo with Greasy propping a sockless loafered foot on a golf cart) which would have made me livid if I were the bride.

      • Server in a restaurant look (which I remember from my brief server days) White shirt, tie, black pants, none of it sexy or festive.

  10. Jumping up in the air with that poor, elderly, almost guaranteed to be arthritic dog in her arms.

    I wish Lily (sic) still had enough teeth to bite her. Hard.

    • If Lily can’t bite her, I hope she shits all over donk in her sleep. Preferably on Donks hair so she would have to wash it.

      Seriously, what a c*** to do that to the poor dog, and how many times did she do it to get a photo she was satisfied with?

      Also, Lily should shit on whichever parent (Dad$ers) that tacitly approved Donk treating the dog that way by taking the photos.

      Also, also, WTF is up with her face?! Especially her upper lip? She is scary looking. The Janice Dickinson reference above was right. She looks more like Momsers sister than her daughter. She really is going the full Wildenstein.

  11. We need to talk about Kevin The Tie.

    Indicative of a gift scholarly Julie received? Back to skool on Dad$er’s dime?
    Indicative of a grift bidness lady Julie’s selling the fam on re: her life course?

    Is Mulia Mallison coming out to the fam as Bi? Maybe that’s all she has left of
    creative ways to keep Dad$er hoofing the bill for a stall near the bay instead of
    making her come home to the OMG!DC …

    Whatever her motivation, it looks redonk.

  12. “These people I call my relatives.” Even for tongue in cheeky snark that’s kind of rude/mean no? Especially since they agreed to do all this picture so you can post it for your “fans”? Be nice to your family – yes, FAMILY – Julia or go the fuck home.

  13. I have finally recovered from the Pyrex gifting and turned my magnifying glass to the family photo. First of all, good for Ali for forbidding use of her children in photos to be sent to Julia’s email list, because I am sure that is why they are missing. Second, dad and baby brother both appear to have a red shirt under their stripey ones, and the women all appear to have a bit of white collar peeping out. Poor things apparently had costume changes during the photo shoot. What is wrong with these people? Why doesn’t someone just refuse?

  14. Lilly looks blind.

    Dadsers looks gay.

    Rainbow looks like her nose and mouth are poking out from behind a giant labia.

      • Shocked, shocked I say that no one sent a donkey a “special gift” to the sausalito tile factory & Golden Girls furniture outlet to post ALL OVER FACEBBOOK like flowers or something thuper personal like a fruit basket. I thought for sure we’d get a fat finger dipped in glitter pointing to a “mystery” card with gift in back drop.
        Guess you’re right someone else is getting the Hickory Farms Winter Sausage this Christmas.

  15. poor dog does not look happy and is probably confused

    she could have done the jump-in-air photo WITHOUT holding the dog and achieved the same effect

    totally unnecessary

  16. Can we look at the stockings for a sec? They’re being hung up by the decorative items that I’m assuming live on the mantel year-round.

    • Which are uuuuuuugly. I am always so mesmerized by the horrible masonry of the fireplace that I don’t notice the other stuff, but the stockings drew my eye.

      I feel like the painting wouldn’t be irredeemably terrible without the terrible frame, but the combo is pure Comfort Inn conference room to my eye.

      • I’m like, don’t even bother with stockings if you can’t hang them up in an attractive fashion

    • R. S. McC. is just so lovely. I also love the non-Meghan sister’s gown—the color is so striking, and it really suits her.

      Mazel tov to Yimmy and bride!

      • I know it is only a single photo, but the body language between Yimmy and the bride ain’t cute. Did someone misbehave at the rehearsal dinner?

        • Yeah, he looks like he’s saying “Mommy, I made a mistake.” The bride looks so out of place in a photo that traditionally should be about her. Cindy is definitely pulling focus.

          • I can’t help it. I was a beauty queen you know my dears. The camera just loves me!

          • cindy could pull the budweiser wagon. she’s looking a bit hefty. maybe she just stopped caring about patriarchy’s beauty standards and is expressing herself

          • Oh, my! Someone’s salty enough to coat the rim of my margarita glass! I’m sorry you didn’t get your girl president, honey. But bitter is not the look.

          • grammarian, I was going to say…Cindy looks like she’s gained some weight. It actually looks good on her, softens her look a lot, since the emaciated fembot look just made her look terrifying. Somebody please pass the memo to Kellyanne Conway…

        • Yeah, I’m surprised that in a professionally-done photo how very alone-looking she is in the midst of that family — only FlapJack & his beautiful bride are touching; everyone else is deadeye cold fish.

          • WAIT — not the youngest sister re: my cold fish comment — I was arrowed over far right & she was off screen — she’s a ray of sunshine.

          • And the graphics work is so cheesy, too. Can’t a super-loaded, powerful political/military family at least afford Minted or something?

            I would not send this out as my public family holiday greeting if it were taken at my son’s wedding and yet he looked like his new wife had just punched him in the balls because she caught him porking one of the cocktail waitresses at the reception.

        • He looks like he got scolded with his hands folded in front of him like that. Maybe he played an ill-timed prank on new wife.

  17. OT, this was talked about elsewhere: do you believe in “gift reciprocity,” like, when someone gives you a (Christmas) gift you are obliged to give them a gift as well, and it should also be in the same price range? Someone I know now feels awkward because an old / former friend they have not seen or much talked to for the past 20 years suddenly reached out to them and sent them a game or whatever worth $30 (more than the person would spend on it themselves).

    I must say I don’t really believe you are OBLIGED to send a gift in a similar situation, not even if the gift was OMG monogrammed. I’d just send a thank you note, the level of niceness depending on whether or not I’d want to renew the friendship. And while I love giving gifts, I also know there are people who *genuinely* don’t mind if they don’t get the “reciprocal gift.” I think I’m one of them too. It really depends. There is this guy I remember I mentioned here two years ago because he gave me an unexpected Christmas gift and I felt all awkward. But we are not even friends, we have a wierd work-related connection and meet about 6 or 7 times a year. I felt really bad when he gave me the first gift in 2014 and I had nothing for him, but he said he just wanted me to know how much he appreciated blah blah blah (he’s the one supposedly getting something out of the work-related connection, not me). Same in 2015. Now two weeks ago he gave me a book that 1) I really like and 2) I found online costs at least around $40, and again, I didn’t give him anything, so I did feel a bit awkward, but he obviously didn’t expect to get a gift from me and I don’t really want to go down that route because again, we are not friends. He also gave me a ride home, so hey, success (I went Christmas shopping that day and carried two big heavy bags of gifts for other people, awesome).

    • I feel like I “owe” someone a gift when they get me a gift unexpectedly, but I also feel like that is a neurotic reflex from my weird childhood.

      I am the reverse of the Stephen Leacock story “My Lost Dollar” (first story here) in that I obsess about what I owe other people, but that is honestly just as self-centered.

      Your path seems right to me.

    • My reaction to unexpected gifts is “Why did you get me this piece of shit? Did you think I had a third arm to carry it home with?”

      I don’t get a lot of unexpected gifts.

  18. Do you know what I am sick of?

    Holiday cards that look like your fucking family album.

    A picture of your baby throwing up is not a holiday card.

    A little red bird looking at a holly branch with “Happy Holidays” written on it in gilt embossed lettering is a holiday card.

    The rest of it is just more of your Facebook feed in print form. And if I don’t want to look at it on my computer I sure as shit don’t need to look at it on my fucking mantel.

    Thank you.

  19. Also not a Christmas card? Your son’s fucking wedding photo, McCain, you goddamn asshole.

    Particularly where it makes your brood look like a line-up of compact cars.

  20. Please tell me I’m not the only catlady who’s made a habit of going back and reading hilarious old posts from the Pancakes era when I’m bored and need a laugh.

    • I miss the days when Julia assumed everything was going to turn out amazing and she’d end up with someone educated/successful/wealthy. The move to LA was utterly disastrous for her, starting with that awful show and continuing through the Debbie/avocado/Chad years. Really pathetic losers. That whole burning man scene is ratchet.

      • My absolute favorite was when she thought she was going to land a millionare founder and went on a “founder hunt” with Pointy. Also the “Big Idea” video talking about fuck you money and how she was going to get into Harvard Business School…. oh how we have fallen!

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