What Do We Want? TRIBE! When Do We Want It? NOW! But Maybe Not For Cancer-Free Dan

It’s almost here, bunnies! The sole reason for Julia Allison’s pathetic existence: BURNING MAN!! As Donkey prepares for OMG! Camp Septic – hope she brings along an extra pair of eyelashes – our burro makes another case for communal living. Heaven for fend anyone disagree with her or the woo grifters, many of whom need someone to hold their hand when they take a dump.

Our girl quotes – oh dear – David Brooks:

“In 18th-century America, colonial society and Native American society sat side by side. The former was buddingly commercial; the latter was communal and tribal. As time went by, the settlers from Europe noticed something: No Indians were defecting to join colonial society, but many whites were defecting to live in the Native American one.
The native cultures were more communal. As Junger writes, “They would have practiced extremely close and involved child care. And they would have done almost everything in the company of others. They would have almost never been alone.”
It raises the possibility that our culture is built on some fundamental error about what makes people happy and fulfilled.”

Donk’s analysis:

NO S–t!! Our culture IS based upon a fundamental error about what makes people happy and fulfilled – and let’s be clear: it’s not a huge investment portfolio or a McMansion for your nuclear family or a “sick loft” in Soho by yourself or even a lot of followers on Instagram.
IT IS TRIBE. Community. Shared goals and responsibilities. IT IS EACH OTHER.

Though she’d forbidden Cancer-Free Dan from responding to her half-baked posts, respond our hero does:

In 18th century America, whites weren’t exactly welcoming to indigenous peoples. They didn’t ‘sit side by side,’ they fought to the death — armed Europeans were straddling the Americas, cutting into their flesh and bleeding their peoples white. There was no ‘defect to settler cities’ option for most natives because Europeans were deeply racist, deemed natives savages, made enslaving them lawful in many places, and refused to acknowledge their property rights. To them, genocidal expansion wasn’t just acceptable – it was considered normal and ordained by God.

Ultimately, more than 90% of the continent’s indigenous peoples were wiped out. By the 1700’s, they were being systematically slaughtered and, once tendered safe and exotic, turned into curiosities (just like the slaves Colombus took to Spain) – that – not the appeal of tribal community – is why whites were fascinated by them, why natives were desperate for allies and unable to resist infiltrators, and why they couldn’t flock to European lifestyles.

Even now, throughout the hemisphere, natives tend to occupy the bottom rung in settler societies. The fact that their inferior status hasn’t been corrected in the last 4 centuries says a lot about the thoroughness of colonial repression and the durability of racism. And this has serious health and happiness consequences:


This article is just absurdly resistant to the possibility that ‘forcible disempowerment’ rather than ‘ennui’ is a causal factor in misery even when it’s obviously in play. Racism here, class in the other section you quoted.

To illustrate how unfriendly the Europeans were, try to imagine ‘joining’ Spain’s ‘tribes’ as an Inca. (This is a series of letters from Pizzaro’s soldiers describing a ‘battle’ at Cajamarca in which 168 Spanish conquistadores killed 7,000 Incas and captured their emperor):

The governor then gave the signal to Candia, who began to fire off the guns. At the same time the trumpets were sounded, and the armored Spanish troops, both cavalry and infantry, sallied forth out of their hiding places straight into the mass of unarmed Indians crowding the square, giving the Spanish battle cry, ‘Santiago!’ W had placed rattles on the horses to terrify the Indians. The booming of the guns, the blowing of the trumpets, and the rattles on the horses threw the Indians into panicked confusion. The Spaniards fell upon them and began to cut them to pieces. The Indians were so filled with fear that they climbed on top of one another, formed mounds, and suffocated each other. Since they were unarmed, they were attacked without danger to any Christian. The cavalry rode them down, killing and wounding, and following in pursuit. The infantry made so good an assault on those that remained that in a short time most of them were put to the sword.

“The Governor himself took his sword and dagger, entered the thick of the Indians with the Spaniards who were with him, and with great bravery reached Atahuallpa’s litter. He fearlessly grabbed Atahuallpa’s left arm and shouted ‘Santiago!’ but he could not pull Atahuallpa out of his litter because it was held up high. Although we killed the Indians who held the litter, others at once took their places and held it aloft, and in this manner we spent a long time in overcoming and killing Indians. Finally seven or eight Spaniards on horseback spurred on their horses, rushed upon the litter from one side, and with great effort they heaved it over its side. In that way Atahuallpa was captured, and the Governor took Atahuallpa to his lodging. The Indians carrying the litter, and those escorting Atahuallpa, never abandoned him: all died around him.

“The panic-stricken Indians remaining in the square, terrified at the firing of the guns and at the horses-something they had never seen-tried to flee from the square by knocking down a stretch of wall and running out onto the plain outside. Our cavalry jumped the broken wall and charged into the plain, shouting, ‘Chase those with the fancy clothes! Don’t let any escape! Spear them!’ All of the other Indian soldiers whom Atahuallpa had brought were a mile from Cajamarca ready for battle, but not one made a move, and during all this not one Indian raised a weapon against a Spaniard. When the squadrons of Indians who had remained in the plain outside the town saw the other Indians fleeing and shouting, most of them too panicked and fled. It was an astonishing sight, for the whole valley for 15 or 20 miles was completely filled with Indians. Night had already fallen, and our cavalry were continuing to spear Indians in the fields, when we heard a trumpet calling for us to reassemble at camp.

“If night had not come on, few out of the more than 40,000 Indian troops would have been left alive. Six or even thousand Indians lay dead, and many more had their arms cut off and other wounds. Atahuallpa himself admitted that we had killed 7,000 of his men in that battle. The man killed in one of the litters was his minister, the lord of Chincha, of whom he was very fond. All those Indians who bore Atahuallpa’s litter appeared to be high chiefs and councilors [sic]. They were all killed, as well as those Indians who were carried in the other litters and hammocks. The lord of Cajamarca was also killed, and others, but their numbers were so great that they could not be counted, for all who came in attendance on Atahuallpa were great lords. It was extraordinary to see so powerful a ruler captured in so short a time, when he had come with such a mighty army. Truly, it was not accomplished by our own forces, for there were so few of us. It was by the grace of God, which is great.”

Judy can’t stop quoting seriously misguided Brooksie:

“As we’ve gotten richer, we’ve used wealth to buy space: bigger homes, bigger yards, separate bedrooms, private cars, autonomous lifestyles. Each individual choice makes sense, but the overall atomizing trajectory sometimes seems to backfire. According to the World Health Organization, people in wealthy countries suffer depression by as much as eight times the rate as people in poor countries.

There might be a Great Affluence Fallacy going on — we want privacy in individual instances, but often this makes life generally worse.

Every generation faces the challenge of how to reconcile freedom and community — “On the Road” versus “It’s a Wonderful Life.” But I’m not sure any generation has faced it as acutely as millennials.”

But Cancer-Free Dan zooms in again to challenge Judy Albertson’s air quotes:

I don’t buy the woe-to-the-Americans because: richer = sadder arguments.

There are any number of reasons to doubt the validity of such global mental health comparisons. Poor states don’t have reasonable mental health infrastructure. If your village gets massacred by Boko Haram, you’re not getting a PTSD screening.

Other data, adjusted for data availability shows what you’d expect – poor, conflict prone countries with nasty autocratic governments have depressed populations.


Rates aren’t highest in the richest places: Afghans are the most depressed people on Earth. Because: no shit.

And a lot of depression here is likely a function of not* getting richer. Suicides spike during recessions*, not growth. Our society has gotten richer in the aggregate, but the average American today is working much* more than their parents did and making much less money in relative terms, and has far less job security. Developed countries with relatively equitable distributions of wealth and good safety nets tend to do very well on ‘happiness’ metrics.


The least happy countries are poor, autocratic, highly unequal and* have no social safety nets for their people.

The ball’s in your court, Donkey. Now’s the time to display those New Trier honed debate skills!

Bottom Picture: Aliens Jena la Phlegm and Rio de Janeiro huddle and plan the invasion of the pleasure snatchers! #yearoftheeyelash #somethingstupidiscoming


  1. Please, in the name of Cthulhu, a plague of desert locusts and gastrointestinal malaise for Camp Septic

    I’m cool with Rain just giving Judy some Shanti VD tho

    • I’d love a Lord of the Flies breakdown of civilization, with Shanti and Papa Chevalier fighting to the death over who will host the nightly orgy. Burners take sides. Donkey attempts to get away and is head butted into the next camp by Jena la Flamme’s giant noggin.

  2. Wow. No more scoffing at le phlegm looks or smarts. There must be some condition some people have that impacts skull and brain function. Glad she’s found some shared tribe. #somethingsketchyishappening

  3. And here I was just about to buy 140,000 followers on Instagram. Good thing I read this Julia’s advice first.

    • So do I.

      I love to visit places in the low season.

      Seriously. I am anti-social and proud!

      • I’m proudest when I go an entire day without speaking to anyone.

  4. Amused that she mentioned McMansions, since I have no doubts that a tribe McMansion is her secret fantasy, despite her put-on protestations.

    Coincidentally, I literally just came across this site- http://www.mcmansionhell.com/post/149128564511/mclean-virginia?is_related_post=1

    Also, I don’t get why one would need to look to charity services for a pair of fake eyelashes. Are they really that expensive? Is Phlegm really that broke? Can you somehow get your hands on some as part of a lawsuit from a phony taxi accident injury? So many questions!

  5. When, pray tell, was the last time our Rainbow ever truly cared for anyone who wasn’t herself?

    It’s sad that she has to glom onto “intentional communities” of self-isolating white people because it’s her only way to get people to pay attention to her. If she lived in the real world, everyone would ignore her.

    • SRSLY!!!

      What is “community” to these people? They just want to lay around taking hallucinogenics, gluing feathers on shit, and fucking. What is a shared goal or resonsibility for these people????

      It’s astonishing how much she can say the word community without any real concept of what true communal life is like. People who actually have this value try to rid themselves of selfishness, materialism, vanity– they care more about other people than they care for themselves. They sacrifice their own wants and needs for the good of others. They acknowledge the reality of a global community plagued by systemic inequality.

      ALSO UNRELATED BODY SNARKING but holy hell, the five-head is strong in that bottom picture. it is more like seven-head. yikes. I know people can’t generally control their hairlines but dang. I would be investing more carefully in hats. and not posting so many smug face selfies.


      • It seems our favorite lady-loving exhibitionist misses having a daddy to take care of her. Watch out, Ria! It may be time to step up or step off.

  6. The drugs have left Judy unable to recognize her own wasted life and need to further deplete natural resources to attend BMs and spend daddy’s money. Instead, she sees links. Sweet, sweet links of stories that bring the smug-joy. The kinds of killer links that bring near double-digit likes. One of these links *will* land her a man. You’ll see.

  7. If Julie is really short, then those other nin-com-poops must be like 4 ft something.

    Julie keeps begging for “community”….but it seems like everyone ignores her for the rest of the year…?

    • ^^THIS! How freaking short are her friends?? Isn’t she like 5’4″ max (without weird ortho platforms)?

      • 5’4″. I know this because I am the same height and made a mental note of this when reading archives of RBD and her blogs years ago.

  8. Hmmmmm… I thought Native Americans drank too much.

    At least that is what prestigious Anthropologist Julia Allison Baugher of the Wilmette Baughers, sixth generation Chicagoan, once told me.

  9. Judy only wants community when she is single and wants to con other people into doing work and chores. The minute she has a real boyfriend instead of an itinerant polyamorous knob-tweedler, she’ll change her tune completely. This is just her plan B because she can’t stand being alone or taking care of herself.

    • Totally. She would sell her soul to live in a McMansion in a hot fucking minute. Her commitment to community is purely by default.

    • We’ve never seen her do anything helpful to other people, nothing selfless. She never babysits, never takes care of other people’s pets. She doesn’t help anyone on a farm, no lawn care. She doesn’t spend days with sick friends. Her obsession with communal living and “tribe” is stunningly manufactured and disingenuous.

      • This is so true. The only time she has done anything for anyone else it has been someone else’s idea and initiative. And we aren’t counting her self-serving half-assed efforts like the “annual” 5k she decided her nephew somehow needed in his honor,

        • She supposedly wants children so much and yet I’ve never once seen her offer to care for someone’s child while Mom and Dad did errands. She’s never posted a single thing about babysitting. Not once. She just holds the prop up to the camera, whether prop be her nephew or Dave & Brit Moron’s spawn, and grins maniacally.

      • She sure *talks* about helping others, though. Like the Susan G. Komen fundraiser, her plan to nurse Cancer Dan back to health, donating her old magazines to a shelter, her recent trip to My Little Pony farm …

        But she did once join the Healing Chef in donating burnt Thanksgiving yams to the homeless.

  10. jesus fucking christ, the settlers killed the indians; slaughtered them; burned their crops and their villages

    • Judy and David Brooks apparently missed reading “Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee” when they read ALL of the important books in high school.

    • Well, yes. And they were also an entire continent full of very different nations, with different languages and different cultures.

      Also, some Native nations were at war with each other when Europeans arrived, and throughout the 17th and 18th centuries different European colonial interests exploited those conflicts to get Native groups to ally with them against their European adversaries (and sometimes the inverse happened as well). By the start of the 19th century, the huge influx of European settlers plus the decimation of Native peoples by disease, forced relocation, and massacre had pretty much eliminated the need for the US/Canadian/Mexican governments to do anything but steamroller right over indigenous interests.

      I honestly don’t know what fuck David Brooks is talking about, unless he’s having a fever dream about the time he saw Dances With Wolves on a plane, because many Native national and tribal groups were as interested in accepting European incomers as they were in accepting a bad case of smallpox (which often came as a combo platter in any case).

      If there’s one thing I hate (and you all know there are millions) it’s people who talk about indigenous North American cultures as if they were some monolithic entity.

      Also, to counter what I think Brooks’s word salad may be trying to say, my own putative Native ancestor was a Massachusett who got in on John Eliot’s Bible-thumping nonsense way back in the 17th century. But she may be mythological in any case.

      Also, I recently found out that Black Elk toured Germany, as a young man, in a Wild West show as a trick rider and shooter. This fills me with shame for all my fellow honkeys.

      • Also also, what is wrong with New Trier? I went to an infinitely less fancy high school and we read Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee and Black Elk Speaks and Custer Died for Your Sins, because, you know, US history.

      • Small pox blankets really helped bring ‘tribe’ together.

  11. re: pink onesie faux to:

    is the couple standing in background at right edge (looking up and smiling as they gaze) genuinely spontaneously caught up in the moment, or just part of the staging?

    is the shirtless man wearing coat (apparently taking picture) the dj dude?

  12. if i were to go to burning man, my performance art exhibit would be to place a box of porno mags and vhs tapes all by itself on the sand, and document people’s reactions as they walk by it

  13. “It’s not a huge investment portfolio or a McMansion for your nuclear family or a ‘sick loft’ in Soho by yourself or even a lot of followers on Instagram”

    Oh honey, how many of your old friend’s Facebook posts made you jelly today? So much anger! You should really try to practice yoga and meditation.

    Namaste! Love and light!

    • Sour grapes Donkey posts are always so transparent. She would give anything to have a rich hubby and a big status house.

    • Wasn’t Nick Denton forced out of his Soho loft in the last few weeks? Is this some shout-out/dig at him? “Soho” just stood out as oddly specific and not especially current.

      • Not yet. He’s trying to lease it out. And Hogan’s attorneys objected, saying rental income Denton would have received wasn’t enough to cover the fixed costs.

  14. Julie wrote a paean to Nisha and their epic friendship on Facebook, in response to one of those “you’ve been friends for X years” things. Nisha’s response is priceless. “Thanks for sharing your expertise on dealing with haters, making me hate animal onesies less, and eating all the shit sandwiches I handed you.” Sounds like Noodles really values that particular sisterhood!

    • Ha! I looked at Noodles’s FB wall last night and noted she was tying her pregnancy into her grift and thought she deserved an update. She also has some endless post about the trauma caused when one sister was inconsiderate of another. Utterly ridiculous, unless you’re 12 years old.

      • Ugh, how about this pearl of wisdom about what sisterhood means:

        “We can think “she’s not acting in a way I understand”, but also understand “life is complex and humans are complex, and she’s doing her best.”

        No, Nisha. Scamming and grifting and hypocritically scolding and endangering your children and trying to sleep with your friends’ men should not be excused as the acts of a complicated woman who is doing her best. That sort of vagina-centric apologism does a disservice to all women.

        • This jackass would excuse any sort of bad behavior as long as the culprit possessed a vagina.

          • She has to. It’s a central tenet of her own sisterhood grift. Plus, she gets to take the moral high ground and call us haters who are setting back the cause. Makes me want to turn in my woman card.

  15. Julia’s comments on the death of Gawker:


    Journalist, commentator, TV personality
    (Sample headline: “Julia Allison Leads New York’s Women Into Cold, Sexless Future”)

    “1. I’m absolutely thrilled.
    2. Peter Thiel is my hero. (Except for the Trump endorsement.)
    3. Karma is real.
    4. Spreading lies, gossip and malicious ad-hominem attacks on people and calling it “reporting” = Bullshit. Good riddance!”

  16. I will believe that Julie cares about community more than money and McMansions when she politely refuses Dadsers next “support” check and tells him she’ll be making it on her own from here on out. After all, her Tribe is all she needs.

Comments are closed.