Cancer-Free Dan Schools Jess “The Caterwauler” Johnson In Dunkin’ Donuts

There are a million reasons not to eat Dunkin Donuts but this one floored me. #theheartistsway

Posted by Jess Magic on Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Julia Allison shared Jaaahaas’s recent DD diatribe. Though our burro had forbidden Dan from commenting on her FB page “EVER AGAIN”, comment he did:

Found this disconcerting because we live near a Dunkin and so even though I’m allergic to everything in their donuts, my family consumes them. And like most people who eat dairy free/gluten free foods, I consume carrageenan too – probably sometimes a lot of it.

And since my daughter was allergic to cow’s milk, she’s had a lot* of exposure to carrageenan-bearing non-dairy milks.

So, mild panic.


It’s true that a quick google search reveals lots of scary-looking articles about both titanium oxide and carrageenan.

However, a more thorough look at the evidence suggests neither of these is a big deal unless you have some other risk factor or you eat (or for titanium, inhale/snort) or inject a huge amount of the additive.

The carageenan studies are particularly weak.

And Dunkin stopped using titanium oxide in 2015.

Whew! Thanks, Dan! I love me some Bavarian Creme, and I confess to having been worried by Jaaahaas’s spiel.


  1. Dan and L have a daughter?!?! I am delighted to hear that. I bet she is going to grow up to be brilliant as hell.

    I am not supposed to eat carageenan, and honestly the struggle is real especially with ice cream, but that’s specifically because of my particular medical stuff. I didn’t think there was any particularly well-researched concerns for people in general?

    • I can’t eat sugar (or flour but the sugar is so much harder to avoid). It’s a fucking nightmare because everything in a restaurant has sugar in it pretty much, so I have like five foods I can prepare at home and that’s how I get through my day. It’s also due to a medical condition and I am under the care of a doctor for it. I would SO MUCH rather have some fucking cake.

      • all that to say , anyone who wants to judge anyone for what they eat can FUCK RIGHT OFF. It’s the lowest of the low, the slimiest of the slime. You don’t know what they CAN eat. You don’t know shit about them. If I can ever eat sugar again you better goddam believe I’m going to get doughnuts, probably a dozen, extra chocolate, extra filling. It’s going to be marvellous. I’m going to love it.

          • My sincere sympathies to you both and respect for your struggle, 4real. If I could, I’d love to bake a cake for you. Cakes, so each of you would get her own cake (to lick and take pics).

          • you’re sweet, and your cookies were delicious back when I didn’t know I was getting sick from that kind of thing. 🙂 🙂 I can lick imaginary cakes which is better than a punch in the face from an imaginary homeless person.

  2. For fuck sake. You don’t even know if Dunkin’ is bad or not, but you want a reason to excuse judging people in the *same line* you’re standing in, so you leave and then Google to find something damning?

    The human body is resilient above all. I don’t eat fast food for a lot of different reasons, health included, but nobody needs your self-righteous, “people loving” pity while grabbing a shitty donut at an airport before a flight, especially not while you’re in line. Mind your own business.


      • People getting judgy about food choices while using pseudo-science to back their own claims is one of my biggest pet peeves, especially as there is usually a fair amount of privilege involved. Some people don’t have time to make donuts at home with five ingredients since their lifestyle isn’t supported by $8,000 a month in internet grifted income.

          • It’s like people who pride themselves on being well-traveled. Congratulations! You have the financial resources to take time off and see the world. It doesn’t make you a good person or an interesting one. You have to have good character and a personality for that.

            See: A Donkey

          • Who wouldn’t love to travel and see the world if they had the opportunity? And not all travelers are enlightened or use the opportunity to expand their cultural horizons (ahem, donkey) even when they do have the means to do so.

          • There is an ad here for a show about people building tiny houses (a totally enraging/wth thing in the first place) where a woman says, in a totally smug tone of voice, that they want to spend their money on real experiences, not their house. Such a superior point of view except if you want to not have to hear your husband’s every struggle in the bathroom and have no place to actually sit and relax or privacy in your home. So sure, I’d love to have spent the last 20 years jet setting around the globe but instead we squandered our time and money on our children’s education.

        • I each Munchos (which I’m not even sure is a potato product); and, I think Twinkies can reduce the need for Botox due to all the preservatives. So, I will never tell anyone what they should or should not eat. I do think however people have the right to know truthfully wants in their food.
          But in this instance it’s just another opportunity to try and sound superior and failing as usual. Think they’d get tired of failing all.the.time. and just quit posting.

          • The thing is, nobody thinks Dunkin’ Donuts is good for them. Nobody. I have a lot of issues with food production, and farming practices in particular are dear to my heart. But I have been on a two-hour layover in LA after a connecting flight from Tokyo on my way to DFW too many times to judge anything anyone does in an airport. I have had Reese’s Pieces for dinner in an airport because they were the only thing I had enough time and local currency to grab on my way to the gate, for Greg’s sake. I didn’t do it for my health. I did it for my crashing blood sugar. I am alive to tell the tale.

            For people who go around sniffing out failures among other people’s personal choices, you’d think the woos would be a little more self-critical.

          • When my kids were little I was a stay at home mom for a few years and I made them healthy and nutritious meals three times a day. On Friday nights we had pizza and movie night and on Sunday I slept in and my husband would get them a treat of bagels or doughnuts or sometimes pancakes at a diner. I refuse to feel bad about any of it.

          • Morroccanwear– Anybody who tries to make you feel bad about it has too much time on their hands. Perhaps they might be an unemployed grifter seeking attention on Facebook who should really just start by getting a job and move on from there, in terms of feeling superior to others.

        • Yes! My brother (who I love) is married to a chef who basically stopped working after she married my brother and had two children. They shop almost 100% organic, natural, EXPENSIVE food (good for them) — but you know what? Most Americans can’t afford this, and do the best they can within their own limits/personal choices.

          I hate the habit of judging people… just because they can’t afford to feed their entire family at Balducci’s or Whole Foods or the Organic Butcher, or wherever…

    • Exactly. Waves of sadness watching people order/eat Dunkin’ Donuts? (fuck you! Judgey McJudgey… dope).

      Plus — I am sure she did ALL her research via google searches online.

      Personally, I like having a plain old fashioned DD and a latte once in a while… not every day. Not every minute (and if I DID — so what???) — again — none of your GD business.

      Slightly OT, but I have volunteered on political campaigns in the past, and for some reason, having a donut always reminds me of those days. So what? You can eat/do almost anything if you do it once in a while.

  3. The woos ability to make everything, including what other people eat, about them takes narcissism to a new level.

    • I particularly enjoyed when Jess was subjected to watching an innocent civilian eat a Big Man and went into anaphylactic shock. YOUR CHEESEBURGER AND FRIES HURT ME!!!

  4. OK, I’m going to start sharing when I get waves of sadness due to these people’s idiocy. To Jahhhhhhhsssssss: Hey buttinski! If you don’t like Dunkin Donuts, don’t eat them! If you don’t like McDonald’s, don’t eat it! How hard was that?

    For all of their “freedom to love & live the way I like,” these woos sure have a lot to say about other people’s choices.

    • There may be no judgment in Black Rock City, but everywhere else is fair game.

    • The other thing is…hey, I’ve been marooned at an airport recently! Sometimes I eat something I normally do not ever just to get through the next few hours until,the plane gets here because there are few alternatives! So shut the fuck up about what others may do!

    2. Almond Milk Latte also has Carrageenan. FYI
    3. Your voice and smugness gives me waves of sadness.

  6. Waves of sadness? Her hairdo alone gives me tsunamis of sadness. And that voice. And don’t get me started on the eyebrows.

    • I find her face and hair and lips and mouth and teeth and voice and hands to be very stupid. For all her “I love people” bleating, she sure seems like a mighty unpleasant person to be around.

      • You know, she could look like that and act like that and sound like that and if she had some meaningful non-smug message to impart, it would all be forgivable (but no actually the hair is unforgivable in any circumstance.)

        • Hey, now, at least she didn’t pull out her uke and start bleating all over the airport.

  7. Speaking of assholes with nothing better to do than to judge what others eat, remember that time when Donkey felt the need to judge and post about a random mom in an airport who had the audacity to tell her kids she’d get them a pizza?

    Julia Allison
    September 7, 2014 · Chandler, TX ·
    Overheard at a Texas airport – mother talking to her two young sons. “No, you can’t have anything from the vending machine! It’s not healthy. I will order you Domino’s pizza.”
    There was no irony in her comment. She was being serious.


    • WTF was she doing in Chandler, TX, population 2,700? It’s a good hour & a half, two hours from DFW airport, in the middle of nowhere … nowhere anyone wants to be, anyway …

      Was this the same timeframe when she surprised Davidiot in NOLA? Wondering if she drove a rental from DFW to there, is all. That’s only eight & a half hours of one ugly road trip.

      • Scratch that. She went to a wedding in Tulsa at that time. SFO to Tulsa w/ a stop in Chandler, TX? ::shrug:: Goofy as hell.

  8. How conveniently does Tragic Johnson’s sudden “waves of sadness” over other people’s food intake dovetail w/ the medi-meals venture of the just-married dude who implored everyone to support this hack via her GoFuckMe acct?

    Something besides Donk stanks in Donkmark …

  9. I am at the tail end of a weight loss journey spanning four months. I lost 40 pounds and 4 inches off my waist. It was my first diet ever and it opened my eyes a bit about dieting and food culture. I wish I had a before-and-after to show you guys. I think I look pretty dang good! Anyway, these days I am a bit of a purist with food. I don’t eat anything that has a marketing department. That’s basically my rule.

    Part of what I’ve learned along the way is that nearly all people have really fucking weird issues around food. Most are in this constant back-and-forth struggle to lose weight and be healthy, yet eat whatever they crave. It’s not all that different from drug addict relapse cycles. When they notice the change in my physical appearance, they immediately want to know my dieting “secret”. If I tell them it’s “calorie reduction”, they lose all interest. My point is, even if you have a very helpful, very simple truth to share with people about food, don’t bother. You’ll just look like an pompous asshole.

    • That’s an excellent rule — my own thought has been that the less trash generated, the better. For example: between the minimal space an empty styrofoam meat tray takes up & throwing produce scraps to the birds, it can take me two weeks or more to fill my eight-gallon kitchen trash can.

      You’re also dead-on about people — if the “secret” is common sense as opposed to a pill or a fad, they aren’t having it.

    • Congrats on the weight loss, ks. I am currently trying to shift some pounds for the first time in my life (I lost a significant amount of weight in my 20s just by having a physically active job and changing nothing else, so that doesn’t count — now I’m 31 and the tide has turned, my friend).

      A lot of this judgy, you’re-poisoning-yourself crap is actually rooted in disordered eating, in my opinion. Tell yourself you’re avoiding the donuts because they contain “chemicals” and not because you’re terrified of gaining half a pound and voila! You’ve taken the moral high ground and shored up your resistance at the same time! You’re not disgusted by a fat woman chowing down on a Big Mac because you’re a repulsive human being — you love people! You’re just worried! Love and light!

    • You are kicking it with the self-improvement lately!

      “Eat less (and/or differently) and exercise more” works for almost everyone if you’re serious about it—and if it doesn’t work something else is wrong and you need to see a doctor, but not eating crap and exercising will almost certainly be good for the whatever else might be wrong (thyroid, Cushing’s) even if you need meds as well.

    • It’s not my place to judge, but hold on a minute while I do. There. You may applaud now.

      Why is she gazing over into other people’s cars? That’s some dedicated minding of other people’s business.


      • And re: the drugs. This is part of why I don’t flap my gums about what other people consume (the main reason being I don’t care). I am a smoker. Nothing prompts me to immediately mark a person as “to be avoided” like someone informing me, a literate adult, that smoking is bad for me. People are not in the dark about fast food. If they are choosing to consume it, it’s not because they are confused and think it’s great for their health and just need your truth bomb to open their eyes.

        There are certain shitty practices in the food world that need to be exposed, but for the most part, everybody else is not stupider than you are. If Jess can Google “dunkin donuts bad,” so can everyone else. People like Dan, who will sift through the information for longer than two minutes to find the truth, however, are rare.

        • JFK Jr smoked 2 cigarettes a day… just ’cause he could. He was also a member of about 4 gyms in NYC. So everyone should just do WHATEVER THE HECK THEY WANT.

          (His mom, on the other hand — like Audrey Hepburn — smoked 2-3 packs a day, from the age of 15 all the way through…)

  10. I find it very amusing that a Burra used to be fingered in places like Balthazar by OMG founders who frequent such dining establishments. These establishments serve food that is packed with shit like carrageenan because it’s one of the building blocks of new gastronomy/ molecular gastronomy (which is now old but used to be all the rage around the time of a Donkey fingering). I mean, look at this recipe for the type of stuff served at the sort of restaurant that the rich people she so admires usually frequent:

    I know a number of world famous chefs (the names usually mentioned in “best restaurants of the world” lists and that kind of shit). They use this stuff in their kitchens all the time and not because their food is “bad” but because they are committed to the science of cooking with certain aesthetic, texture and presentation goals.

    Burra and her cohorts should be more specific: they don’t have a problem with carrageenan. They have a problem with what they perceive to be poor or working class people food.

    Sorry for the rant but every day they manage to disgust me a bit more; it’s the only field in which they are overachievers.

    • “Orthorexia appears to be motivated by health, but there are underlying motivations, which can include safety from poor health, compulsion for complete control, escape from fears, wanting to be thin, improving self-esteem, searching for spirituality through food, and using food to create an identity.”

      Check, check, and check. Those last three, especially. Pathetic.

    • I love this bullet point under “Do I Have Orthorexia?”

      – Have you put yourself on a nutritional pedestal and wonder how others can possibly eat the foods they eat? 

      • Or this one: “Does it seem beyond your ability to eat a meal prepared with love by someone else – one single meal – and not try to control what is served?”

        Thanksgiving Catfish, never forget.

    • Just FYI – a friend of mine in the health industry (credentials: went to two OMGIvies and now works at a top hospital in the US) informed me that orthorexia is not yet a clinically recognized term. However, he acknowledged after reading a description that he’d at least diagnose someone exhibiting these symptoms with an anxiety disorder manifested through food choices (which is fundamentally what an eating disorder is anyway).

      Just wanted to let y’all know before you started using the term. I had used it to describe someone I knew, and he was super confused.

      • Yeah, the article says it’s not clinically recognized yet. We can still use the term in casual discussion though, don’t know why not.

    • These people will pay almost anything to escape from themselves for a while.”
      Ha ha ah ha ! Thanks !

  11. I find this interesting, because I have lost a ton of weight (ie – 100 pounds) and find it really hard to avoid getting judgey when I see people eating terribly regularly. I also eat crap, but not as habit, and one-off situations don’t bother me at all. But I recently had a coworker on a project who would have 60 ounces of regular soda per day along with a whole array of other bad foods and I wanted to shake her any time she’d talk about weight gain.

    I wonder if any of the woos used to be heavy, strengthening their moral outrage about what people consume.

    • Well, sure, it’s infuriating to watch people complain about problems they seem to be causing themselves.

      Except here. Here, it’s delightful.

    • I was on vacation a couple of weeks ago and there was this morbidly obese couple I was in the elevator with who were bringing two pizzas back to their room. I admit feeling judgy mc judgerson inside, and feeling guilty that I felt that way, but I’d never say anything or go on social media and get scoldy about it.

      • they have pizza, they have each other, they’re in a hotel…sounds pretty great to me.


  13. Ya know what gets to me is that this useless loser who is not able to maintain herself is judging other people. Seriously what a dumb elitist guess what loser you are being judged not for what you eat but for inability as a 50 something year old hag unable to maintain yourself, you can’t sing, you are a scammer, you are not a nice person, culturally taker who gives nothing back. Secondly I also don’t eat McDonald’s but don’t knock it is expensive. Donuts are also dam good so screw you, I eat donuts have a full time job, I am nice to people and make a difference in the world dumb bitch.

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