Dumb-As-A-Box-Of-Nails Julia Allison Loses Her One True Friend, Trumpets “Living Work of Art” Woo Idiot

Donkey Allison, who’s “vegan 90% of the time,” probably lost her dearest friend, Cancer-Free Dan, when choosing to defend an out-of-line woo pothead at his expense, but why not? Not when she can trumpet the words of like-minded idiots like Alea Rain. Do the woos all share the same fucking name or variants thereof? (I’m reminded of a lesbian friend who wanted to call a book about her many romantic entanglements, “They’re All Called Tammy!”)

Am I in relationship? I am in relationship with myself. I am committed to living my truth, to being consumed by my own flames. I do not need someone else to discover my magic in order for me to believe in my worth. I am a living piece of art, making art, and by doing so making love to the universe. And you are all a part of the universe, so I guess that means I’m also in a relationship with you too. Does that answer your question? — at Sahlia Jewelry.

Christ, all of the woos sound like the same broken record and not at all like independent thinker Dan. Take comfort in knowing this nonsense was posted over eight hours ago and Donkey has received only two likes, both from fans in the ‘stans’, one being Wali Rahman’s stealth account.

Hire Julie Albertson today for all your PR and social media needs!

111 COMMENTS

  1. Lots of fauxtoshoots, travel/party shots, art *of* her (presumably made by other people). I just don’t even know with these people. Trust fund? Sugar daddies? Do none of these people have jobs? Do any of these artists make art?

    • Behold the artistic genius of Ali Shanti & Alea Rain (not their real names, but the names of creatrixes)! If art consists of gluing shells to a stick or gyrating alone onstage in a non-choreographed routine that any four year old might perform in front of the mirror …

      Once again the woos appropriate a term and drain it of any meaning.

    • I think they “run through the raindrops,” as my mother likes to say.

  2. Donkey is obsessed with models and photoshoots. It’s no surprise she has this one in her sights. Reflected glory has always been her signature.

      • That’s putting it mildly! Is he banging this one too?

        Should we all change our names to Wildly Inappropriate ___? We could be tribal, living in community!

        • You are right, I got my balding carny DJs confused, sorry!

          Just … sigh.

          “Growing up in Santa Cruz, Alea worked at a local dance studio, mopping floors and cleaning mirrors. She experimented with many genres of movement, and found being in the dance studio alone to be her temple. A serious back injury in her late teens only heightened her ever so strong connection to body movement and dance became her healing guide. Through self-training, she has created a unique style based in free flow movement with intention. Her dancing encompasses a wide spectrum of movement, inspired by hip-hop, contemporary, belly dance, the natural elements and other forms of art. To her dance is a way to release emotions, tell stories, arouse feelings, and break down mental walls. Alea strives to spread awareness through movement, and inspire others to dig deeper within to discover themselves. Dance is her spiritual practice, her self-expression, and the place where she finds her truth. After spending the past year traveling and preforming around the world, she recently relocated to Venice to expand her dance horizons by training in ballet and hip-hop. She is absolutely thrilled and honored to be working with Ubuntudance , and looks forward to continuing her growth as an artist, and collaborating with those who inspire her most.”

          http://www.ubuntudance.com/members.html

          Would that I had so much money to piss away traveling the globe and only posting pictures of myself, never in community. I would like to join the RBD basement tribe.

          • She certainly dances like she’s spent many long hours in a dance studio… mopping.

          • “…a unique style based in free flow movement with intention.”

            :::Insert Batman/Robin meme here with Batman smacking Robin over the use of the woo buzzword “intention.”:::

            OK, so unintentional free flow movement would be sort of like a grand mal seizure, or maybe electrocution. I am not sure how we would tell the difference from what she’s “intended.”

        • He might as well be “Old Chad” since he’s almost interchangeable with “New Chad.”

      • And yet she’s a million times better than A Donkey self-consciously clomping around on stage.

      • people woos do this modern dance shit to disguise the fact that they have no rhythm. If they had to stay on and accent the beat, they wouldn’t know how.

        • The solo dance is a give-away too. Routines are for sheep, and who has time to practice, anyway?

          • good point. And sharing the spotlight is no way to honor the sacred goddess within.

          • There is no artistry, no training here, whatsoever, and it’s very obvious. I saw no evidence of any of the claims in Rain’s bio, and I was reminded of a scene in THE TROUBLE WITH ANGELS. Gypsy Rose Lee teaches Hayley Mills and her fellow boarding school students the “art” of modern dance. “Be a willow, girls, be a willow!”

        • The Trouble with Angels! I modeled my life after those girls. I was more a Rachel than a Mary.

          My favorite 4 O’clock movie (those on the East Coast will understand that reference.)

          • “I have the most scathingly brilliant idea!”

            My favorite 3:30 movie, along with Hush, Hush, Sweet Charlotte.

          • With Stella Stevens as the world’s sexiest nun (next to Camilla Sparv, of course, but she’d gone on to help children suffering from malaria.)

          • West Coast version: Channel 36 or Channel 44, or maybe Channel 2 during Dialing for Dollars with Pat McCormick.

          • Dialing for Dollars…when I try to explain to my children what television was like when I was a child I describe this crazy show. The host would maybe pick ping pong balls out of a roller basket(??? I honestly don’t remember) to decide the rule for the day (9 from the top, 3 from the bottom) and then apply that rule to cut up pieces of phone book. Then, between bits of the movie, he would call these very random numbers in order to have them answer a question. Most of the time no one answered. It was what my stay home from school sick days were when I was growing up near San Francisco.

      • Thanks to this video, I have a new morning invocation: “Greg, grant me the self confidence of a mediocre white woo woman”. Aho, motherfuckers! I’m gonna go places once the Universe materializes my wish!

        • to get the full mediocre white woo experience you need a Magical Negro to tell you what a great dancer you are. Let Jena LaFlamme be your guide on this.

          • I am not white though I certainly lack magic. Maybe Jena can be my “mediocre white magical woo” to compensate? Especially because Jena seems to know “the songs of my people” better than I do (Latin music).

            Totally off topic but I find her dancing Latin music totally embarrassing. She’s such a try hard.

          • Yeah sorry, if you’re not white then the only place for you in the woo world is as an accessory and a “You Go Girl!” echo chamber. Maybe let them appropriate your culture a little?

            I too find her dancing cringey and terrible. She writhes to obscure her lack of agency.

          • Excuse you, Jena claims she has “Latin and African energies,” so basically she is a Brazilian woman who somehow accidentally got stuck with Anglo-Saxon DNA. She has danced enough bachata to be an honorary Latina. Aho!

          • Eh, I give her credit for doing it and enjoying it. It’s a hobby and exercise. What bugs me is when she inflates its significance and brags about it as evidence of her woo status and implied sexual prowess. It’s not like watching someone who humbly enjoys dancing for its own sake, she wants people to envy and admire her for it and treat her like a special snowflake.

          • I wonder what Jena would do if she ever found out that there is a huge punk/ alternative subculture all over Latin America that wants nothing to do with bachata, merengue or cumbia. She would probably claim she is more Latina than they are because she just *knows* what the culture is about.

          • Grifty you sweet thing. I can give Ali Shanti credit for dipping a stick into poster paint. We all have our little hobbies. But Jena is the MOST MYSTICAL GODDESS OF DANCE. I do dance as a hobby myself. I am pretty good at it. I’m not all over youtube like I invented fucking.

      • But watching a donkey do these same moves (hahahaha) makes this one look elegant and graceful.

      • How many times has A Donkey studied that clip, and those of other T&Cs, trying to copy their moves? Not that their moves are any good, but Donk’s “dancing” is just so horribly painful.

      • As a musician and dancer, these woo folks make me cringe so hard I’m practically inside out.

    • Whoa … yep, that’s hula hoop girl, alright. Woe is her, now that she’s in Donk’s cite / site / sights. Chica is crowd-sourcing a burning man ticket too, that’s the perfect opp for Donk to swf her up close & personal, for a long stint.

      • Not sure hoop girl would buy into hanging with a wannabe sparkle pony who is at least a decade older than she is. I would be surprised if she is older than 20 or 21.

  3. “Hi, I saw you from across the oxygen bar and wanted to introduce myself. Are you seeing anyone right now?”

    Am I in a relationship? I am in a relationship with myself…

    ***turn 540 degreees for flair and silently get the fuck out of there***

  4. Have you ever been so in a relationship with yourself that you married yourself? Oh that’s right, you have, along with the habit of being in fuck buddy nonrelationships with chicks you SWF…

  5. Now that I know how bras are supposed to fit, it’s so glaring to me when I see ones that don’t…such as Donkey’s little number up there.

    • I mean, nothing she wears ever fits correctly, but yeah. And she has that in colors (bright!) as well as the black sparkly one, because she just buys ugly things in multiple colors.

      • I wonder if Donkey is OCD. The people I’ve known who buy so many identical things in multiples like that tend to be on the spectrum. This, plus the incessant list making.

        • Eh, but that would assume that Donkey has some deep-seated fear of running out of things or being without somehow. Honestly, Julia could benefit from living a little much in the shadow of this particular fear, as maybe it’d inspire her to provide for herself a little more.

          I think Donkey buys multiple items in the same color bc she is lazy and indulgent. She doesn’t know the value of a dollar, so she’s never done that little mental dance normal people do when they’re deciding between purchasing two items. Just buy em all!

          I’m sure there’s a part of her that fancies herself an old-school diva of the Mariah Carey variety, as well.

  6. Why would anyone want to be consumed by flames? I’m genuinely curious. (I like to read this dumb shit in a Christopher Guest voice and then LOL)

  7. OT woo sighting/citing/siting:

    I was at a health food/vitamin store yesterday, browsing their small selection of books. Picked up something entitled The Thyroid Diet and opened it right to a quotation from Jena La Flamme, “weight loss expert and founder of Weight Loss Pleasure Camp.”

    1. Since when is she an expert anything?
    2. Wasn’t Pleasure Camp held in someone’s apartment once or twice?

    Not only did the author repeat the same block quotation from La Faux twice in the same book, but Jena’s advice was stuff like “eat right, get enough sleep, exercise” etc.

    Needless to say, I didn’t buy it.

    • yeah, they are all experts at things that are generic in nature with no tangible credentials required

  8. Shantitown reposted her “My Dad was the Real Racist” essay because she was afraid you may have missed her MEEEEE screed because it was posted with Nisha’s reflections on racism. CWANA. The N is for narcissism!

    • I noted that repost. Once again, Ali faces the FEAR while trying to ride another woo’s coattails. I do love her habit of kissing woo ass. The higher up the totem pole, the bigger the slurp. See Elijah Ray.

  9. What I wouldn’t give to hear her inner “Stoned Dance Captain Monologue” as she spazzes out those moves.

    “And KICK the woo. And Squat and Shit. Shake & Pray & Shake & Pray & Shake & Pray, etc…”

    • “Stomp stomp LURCH; stomp stomp LURCH. Chainé, chainé, pas de burro. Leap like a loon. Pretend to pray. Pretend to stir the air with your hands. Look at meeeee, Rain! The audience is laughing. Oops.”

  10. She gets half a point for using the article. (“a relationship” instead of “relationship.”)

  11. “…living my truth..” FLAG ON THE PLAYA, there’s just THE truth, jackass.

  12. Someone recently commented on Lily’s rusty eyes & how it’s treated by responsible pet owners. Does anyone remember the advice? I have a little blonde Chihuahua that gets the rusty eyes. I usually clean them gently with a warm washcloth. It helps a little, but at times the darker spots nearest her inside eye corners are hard to remove. I want to be gentle but keep them clean if possible.

Comments are closed.