Blind Item: Which Notorious Woos Have Been Defending Marc Gafni In Lengthy, Appalling FB Posts?

We’ve got tipsters. Concerned folks who’ve sent us info on Ryan Swain – his new sidepiece apparently dumped her kids back in Timbuktu and has tried to dump her dog in the middle of the road, but the poor pooch keeps returning to Casa Swainy – and Rain PhuturePhuckPhace – he’s low, low, low on the EDM totem pole, but we knew as much.

Our latest emails concern restricted FB posts about Marc Gafni, the rabbi rapist who was supposed to officiate Donkey’s wedding to herself but got the boot when we started blogging about his serial abuser past. Two well-known woos have rushed to Gafni’s defense, posting screeds that are ignorant of the facts, or twist the truth in an appalling manner more appropriate for a NAMBLA recruiting site.

You might wish to first read these pieces on Gafni, or refresh your memory if you have:

http://forward.com/opinion/329620/i-was-13-when-marc-gafnis-abuse-began/

http://www.terrypatten.com/blog/on-marc-gafni

The woos in question turned Sara Kabakov’s experience of sexual abuse into a heady romance involving “two love birds,” even changing the actual ages of the parties in question, with the 20-year-old Gafni now 17 and the 13-year-old Kabakov now 14 or 15. Sexual abuse becomes “consensual dating,” along with a plea that we need to re-examine our taboos surrounding young people “needing” to express themselves sexually.

A woo goddess proceeds to blame Kabakov’s mother for the “romance,” insisting that she, Madame Woo, would have been more alert to what was going on. In a bizarre final paragraph, the goddess holds that if Gafni made any mistake, it was not “fully feeling” into what those around him were negatively feeling about his desires. Unpack that!

On a positive note, one prominent member of Camp Septic, a frequent critic of Julia Allison’s BS, did take these misguided woos to task, pulling no punches.  That response led others to condemn the Gafni defense.

306 COMMENTS

  1. Is this a blind item so we don’t get mommy and daddy saddled with a lolsuit? Just curious. These people are the scum of the earth.

      • JFAing myself to add, yes, these people are the scum of the earth. I’m still reeling from those screenshots.

        • As you’ve so brilliantly previously stated, there are new circles of Hell being created for these people.

          • Woos are already sending out promotional emails marketing the new hell as Heaven 2.0 and selling timeshares. “Level up to live in community with powerful healers and AfterLife Coaches ™. For a one-time investment of just your very soul.. “

      • I get it (even though I doubt they’d have a case if we have screenshots of them saying this stuff on FB). Lolyers are inevitable.

          • If these offending woos truly wanted to launch a defense of Gafni, why do it on restricted fb messages? There appears to be some shame in these woos’ game.

          • ^^^ This

            I don’t get it. Can someone educate me? The woos are so out there with their fucked up junk and anything else that would offend society. Why hide the defense of their brotherly rapist? And I ask that sincerely. Is it that they are all cheap car salesmen who hope rapey man sends people their way but they don’t want to take the chance that they lose an informed idiot (that’s the only name I can come up with for someone who would hire these frauds) due to his association?

    • Someone I know had the misfortune to arrive too early in the morning for a crappy California festival last year and was subjected to the keyboard diddling of Sir Phuterprimative. He reports that the music was terrible, the dancing was embarrassing (sorry Tiny and Cute) and he and all of his friends thought that Phutureprmitive was so old that he was maybe Skrillex’s father.

      • Speaking of Tiny and cute… She did openly call out Gafni on her FB page and hasn’t deleted it. So kudos to her and her friends for that.

        • I assume so. It was a year ago. He said he looked really old and when he asked his friend who was at the festival what he thought of Phutureprimitive he immediately texted back to say he would rather be hit in the face than ever listen to him again.

          I was hoping he’d seen Julia dance.

    • Hey! I’m a longtime, devoted lurker and was one of the Rain tipsters.

      My tip was simply that I hang with some bigger-name EDM darlings (not trying to be cryptic, just not trying to name-drop either) and nobody has ever heard of him before. EVER.
      “Maybe at some dusty drug festival in the desert? (Not Burning Man.) He wasn’t very good” was the closest anyone came to name recognition. I only know who he is through reading the archives here.

      Yet he’s suddenly showing up on gig posters around L.A., and I’m wondering who Smellsberg spanked to get this guy on the festival lineup. It isn’t like a genuinely talented new act rocketing to prominence: it’s a sad fortysomething with snoozeworthy techno on his laptop, dicking around in the desert.
      (No offense, Tiny n Cute. Everybody fucks a dud or two in their time.)

      So: what the fuck. I’m so thankful for the basement, because if something shady is going on and anyone has the scoop, it will be somebody here.
      If I hear of anything else juicy, obviously I will contribute myself. I’ve had a few close calls with grifty-cult woo losers (woosers?) and hold no truck with their kind.

      • JFA’ing to add: If nobody else has taken the name (there have been a lot of comments recently and I haven’t caught up), I would like to enter into relationship with your community and relax into congruence under the username “Despair Rat.” Have lit candles up my ass and am meditating with healing crystal dildos while listening to the universe guide me on how to best open this space. May I show you? With softness. etc.

          • Thanks, ks! You all are too funny and I’m a total asshole, so the lingo rubbed off on me like a gross old man in fishnets rubs against a woman wearing nothing but LED pasties in the Temple of Erotic Idiocy.

            Picking usernames is part of the fun, so I’ll just hang out until Source brings another one to the surface of my consciousness.

          • “like a gross old man in fishnets rubs against a woman wearing nothing but LED pasties in the Temple of Erotic Idiocy. ”

            Ah, so you’ve seen the Annie Lalla Wedding video too.

          • Speaking of the surface of consciousness: I tried to repress those memories. They just came rushing back.

        • Despair Rat, please stick around! I anoint you with Cheeto dust. In the name of Jacy and Juliaspublicist and the Holy Gilly.

          • Stalker Is the New 5150! I have always admired your username. This means a lot.

      • My friend saw him at Hard Summer LA in 2014. It was during the day and apparently he was playing exclusively covers for some reason. the whole concert was described as appalling.

      • I have been to those EDM festivals in the past, and the line up is HUGE, there could be 150 DJs spinning at different times of the day in different stages / tents.

        The headliners spin in the big tent at, let’s say, midnight, but the festival starts at noon and goes on until the next morning, so there are lot of third-rate aspiring DJs that fill the space, before and after the headliners.

        For what I’ve seen, Chad the Donkeyphucker is one of THOSE DJs, not a headliner by any means.

        Also, he plays in second-rate woo festivals in the middle of nowhere, not in any really big event, and the same goes for Davidiot.

        • Yeah, he used to be the kind of musician who played gigs that print their flyers on sheet paper from Kinko’s or somebody’s workplace printer. But recently I saw him on what looks like a more “legit” bill at a place that is pickier about flyering. So I snapped a photo, cackled like a cartoon witch on my way out of the record store, now have to figure out image hosting. May I show you?

      • Maybe Bryan Franklin is working his LA connections from his equipment mogul days? RAIN! and he seem to be BFF now.

        • LOL! The quintessential SoCal networking story.
          1. Some schmuck who inflated a story about the time he worked on the back lot of some big film,
          2. kissing the ass of some bro who tries to be serious about playing a laptop at dirt festivals,
          3. ???
          4. profit!
          Except sometimes it does end in actual profit, because the world is deeply unfair.

  2. Disgusting one thing to be a woo but to defend a person who has assaulted vulnerable and innocent children. Anyone tied to him is sick.

  3. What is the “EDM totem pole”? Also can’t your tipsters call the humane society re: swainy’s dog? The children are probably better off in Timbuktu but I’m worried about the dog.

    • I believe the tipster did call the humane society after the woman kept dumping the dog on Canyon Boulevard. The tipster then did a little bit of searching and discovered the sidepiece dumped her kids in Missouri back in December when she decided she wanted to be with Swainy Todd.

    • Just a guess re: EDM totem pole, I think what this is saying is he is not very well regarded in the professional electric dance music industry. Not terribly auspicious for someone who has been at it for 20 plus years and who is now in his mid 40s.

      • @Grifty, you nailed it. He doesn’t exactly have a lot of professional currency attached to his name. Slightly above bottom tier, but that isn’t saying much. Suddenly he’s popping up on festival bills, so I’m wondering if it’s what @AggressivelyStupid said (somebody else backed out from the slot and nobody else was available at that time?) or if there is a little bit of “pay to play” at work now that Smellsberg is on the literal band wagon.

    • Even though the woos act like EDM is the soundtrack to their re-awakenings, it’s a business just like everything else. I take the “totem pole” comment to mean that he’s not an in-demand performer. More of a fill in who gets hired when promoters have early evening or early morning (i.e. times when few people will be there yet or still there) to fill so that they can say they are having an all-night party, or whatever, without having to pay for top dollar talent at times when most people won’t notice.

  4. Say what you want about Swain, he has a more impressive head of hair than some of the woo goddesses.

        • Yeah and her ex husband is out of the country somewhere I forget and she’s leaving her 12 and 16 y/o kids at home alone for 5 days. There is going to be non-stop partying at chez towels-for-curtains without a doubt.

          • What happens if / when a minor needs emergent medical care & there’s no adult w/ permission to authorize said care? Is it “abandonement” in the eyes of the law?

          • Where did you find that information about the ex husband being gone? In Shanti’s Facebook post, she thanks her friends who are “loving up my kids while I’m gone.”

          • “Loving up my kids” sounds like a deliberate vagary, which specifically does not mean “staying at my house with my kids” or “taking my kids into their house for the time I’m away.” I.e., “I told a friend that I’d be away and that the kids would be at home alone.”

          • @ShesJustStupid – Ali sent it to her listserv in the latest Love Letter. Seriously, you all who have not signed up for the thing are really missing out. NOT. She sends out barely readable walls of text several times a week. I hang in there for the occasional dildo table.

            Her ex is in Thailand, per her Love Letter, and she’s calling letting the kids stay home alone a rite of passage. She had the 16 y.o. promise to ensure the 12 y.o. gets to school each day and that they eat healthful foods. So I’m sure everything will be just fine.

          • How fucking wilfully-stupid is this dusty cunt that she alerts untold numbers of virtul strangers that her kids are all alone? Gregdamn idiot …

          • A “right of passage”? More like Shanti is too selfish to sacrifice the opportunity to grift at woo central. My parents left us alone for a weekend when we were 18, 16 and 12. The neighbors were supposed to look in on us. My older brother and I threw a massive kegger in the backyard for the whole school and got busted when my dad mowed the lawn when they got back and all these beer tabs kept popping up. Also, some idiot moved the metronome form my mom’s piano because he was stoned and wanted to “listen” to it. It was totally Risky Business.

          • CONFESSION TIME

            OK so part of the reason the woo shitshow fascinates me so much is that I have an aunt (now deceased) who was sort of a drifter/proto-woo back in the 60’s and 70s. She never went full Manson cult but she did hang around those sorts and fell in over the years with some pretty ripe characters.

            My cousin – I’ll call her Donna – was left unattended from a VERY tender age in multiple drug-fueled communal situations. She suffered god only knows what kinds of sexual abuse from god only knows who for years. Unsurprisingly, she developed a six-pack-for-breakfast-level alcohol habit by the time she was just a teen.

            At one point my father (who was that family’s rose in the onion patch and a very conservative military guy) showed up unannounced at my aunt’s latest crash pad address, and my cousin answered the door. She was about 8? And she’d been left basically alone in the company of other random drifters and hippie-type woos for weeks at that point. My aunt was…around, you know? Just busy with other shit. Too busy to do something as square as “parenting”, and besides, children are wise beings who are far more capable and, you know, AWAKE than this society gives them credit for! Which is the line of bullshit she tried to feed my dad when he hit the fucking roof and threatened to have her daughter yanked out of her “care” if she didn’t get her shit together.

            Which she eventually did, sometime around the bicentennial. But the damage had been done. Donna never fully recovered and has been in and out of rehab all her life. I don’t even want to THINK about the kind of sexual abuse she endured during her unattended prepubescent years. But it was BAD. If any of you watched season 2 of True Detective, she kind of reminds me of the main woman character, the one played by Rachel McAdams. All of her own kids have major substance abuse issues as well.

            Anyway. No real point to this story, just that these kinds of monstrously selfish people leave horrendous damage and human misery in their monstrously selfish wakes. Not that they give a shit. I hate them and their bullshit so much, and this blog has been a really oddly therapeutic place for me to vent that sometimes, but I really seriously cannot with this predatory Gafni motherfucker and his GODDAM WOO FAN CLUB, and with Ali Shitty just leaving her kids to the mercy of whatever freaks on her facebook feed might see the opportunity of two young children left with zero supervision for a solid fucking week.

            Hope they all get exactly what they deserve, these fuckers.

          • Bride of Donkenstein, DAMN. A number of us old-timers have been raising kids a long time (31 years for me) and if there’s anything I know it’s that they all need to be ferociously and constantly protected until the day they leave home and it isn’t possible anymore. Teenagers in particular are always at the edge of disaster, and with only us to prevent it. What a sad story.

        • So Shanti is at Esalen to teach a Money Map Mastermind? She’s sure got her priorities straight. She couldn’t teach that in Boulder? Or on the phone?

  5. OT, but the Guardian has an article on GOMI. ‘It put me on antidepressants’: welcome to GOMI, the cruel site for female snark. I think the article’s pretty one-sided, a lot of the lifestyle/mommybloggers playing the victim rather overdramatically. They do interview Partypants (“Let me get my wine, can’t do an interview without wine” is a quote that made me smile. )
    I don’t read there, but I have sympathy, and the Guardian just doesn’t get it. And the G commenters are clueless too, though several GOMI regulars eloquently defend what they do, and it reminds me of anything we’d say about here. Anyway, was interesting.

    http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/jan/21/gomi-blog-internet-comments-women

    • ‘Although GOMI has been around for almost a decade …’

      Bzzzzt — WRONG! Wouldn’t it have been very easy for Katie Van Syckle to fact-check & determine that GOMI has been around just over six years? Barely five paragraphs in, this author lost my confidence that any / all claims are accurate.

      • ‘GOMI, founded in 2008 by blogger Alice Wright …’

        Meh. Maybe Alice misspoke, but Ima dig my heels in here, cuz I remember the 1st night of GOMI & how fast PartyPants threw it up based on an RBNS’rs request — I didn’t discover RBNS until summer’s end or early fall of 2009, so.

        • I was in Details magazine once, as a supporting player, and they got the details of my bio stone wrong. So I know how the media twists things for a story.

    • ugh. “That wife” did not “let her baby sleep in the bathroom because it was quiet”… she stuck her baby in the bathroom because SHE couldn’t hear him cry there and she did not want to give up her computer room.

      • Yeah, Katie Van Syckle did not do her homework, such as reading GOMI’s 1st TW reveal (I know *I* seriously wanted to call her state’s CPS on her), nor did she read GOMI posts from the get-go, to see how very different it was in the beginning vs now.

    • Sorry, but some of this is bullshit on PartyPant’s part as well:

      ‘But, she says, there are rules on what commenters can post. Off limits: personal identifying information, rallying cries to mess with people’s lives, comments on bloggers’ children, brags about bullying bloggers on Twitter, threats of physical harm, and attacks on other GOMI-ers.’

      It was precisely the posts & comments on bloggers kids, & attacks on other GOMI’rs, that all but turned me off entirely to GOMI.

      ::shrug::

    • I hope we don’t drag their drama over here. It seems to be metastasizing. Just as soon leave it there.

  6. OT if I may: as I type and get ready to leave my desk erranding place and travel to the other side of the city where I live, it is -9 C outside, that is 15.8 F for you. I DIE. We haven’t had a real winter here for at least two or three years and now THIS. In the week hours of the morning today, some parts of my country were colder than some parts of Siberia, -31 F. I DIE.

    My plan for today was to build a snowman on the terrace of my office (my desk erranding place is fancy like that), but it turned out that I’m an idiot who didn’t think to wear gloves and that building a snowman with your band hands is murder.

    • * also, in the WEE hours of the morning. My band hands and my brain are obviously freezing!

    • Sounds normal for me. We’re regularly in the 20s and teens for temperature and it got down to about -9F last year. I just wear 45 layers of cashmere and fur to my home-based desk errands. Are you well stocked up on your cashmere and fur? If so you won’t have any problems. 😉

      BUTTTT I do feel for you and your poor European self who is unprepared for cold. BLESS YOUR HEART!

      We are also forecast to get 9-15 inches of snow today and tomorrow, and we’re not even getting the hardest hit. HOW YA LIKE THE USA NOW?

      • DC (and New York) was on our news just a couple of hours ago, showing how people stock up on food and water and how (I think?) the metro has been suspended for the weekend. I think the mayor also showed up saying something along the lines of an apology that the city wasn’t “ready” for the blizzard, but it seemed quite ready to me. At any rate, fingers crossed!

        @Stalker, I only have one cashmere sweater unfortunately (LOVE cashmere), but I have some faux fur that should do the job. And I bought a pair of winter shoes last week, which was my first purchase of winter shoes since source knows when. Hope you stay safe and warm, too!

        • Helena, my sympathies! Keep well and keep warm. Typing this as the blizzard here on the east end of Long Island is really touching down. It’s kind of beautiful, trying to enjoy it before we’re buried for days eesh.

          Also: last night before even a first snowflake touched down, our hot water mysteriously conked. Bummer, because I could really use a shower. No way to call a repairman at this..hour, snowpocalypse. Counting my blessings that the power and heat’s still on. I’ll do a birdbath in the sink, ha. 😉

          • ugh that sounds awful. I hope you get a shower! Some days a shower is the only thing that keeps me even human-adjacent.

        • I get most of my cashemere and fur from Goodwill. One of my goodwills is on to me though. The cashmere used to be mixed in with the regular sweaters but they’ve started pulling it out and putting it on the “specials” rack and charging almost THIRTEEN DOLLARS for a cashmere sweater. Do I pay it? YES I DO…because I’m a baller like that. Wearing a goodwill cashmere sweater right now actually, along with wal mart jeggings and goodwill sheepskin tall boots.

          so yes, I am plenty warm 🙂 Thanks Helena! I hope you stay warm too 🙂 🙂

      • Ugh. Since April when I’ve moved to this office with a terrace, I hardly ever go to the kitchenette, mainly because our new-ish accountant’s office is next to it and I want to avoid him. Not only does he expect others to do his job at all times, he’s an imbecile who, as I learned the other day, doesn’t understand the concept of “a percent.” No exaggeration, he told me in a totally straight faced manner that he knew how to calculate the 21% VAT rate because he had a “formula” for that, but had simply no idea how to calculate the 15% rate. When I showed signs of uncertainty if 1) I understood him correctly or 2) he was being serious, he procceeded to draw the “formula” that didn’t make sense to me in the first place, but when I regained consciousness, I told him that whatever it was he was doing with the “formula”, he could just replace 21 with 15 and the 15% rate would magically appear. He seemed quite pleased with that and, thankfully, left. I then immediately emailed or texted at least five people about what just happened because I could NOT.

        Tl; dr: the dish towel remains a problem, but its proximity to the imbecile changes my perspective a little bit.

          • Yes, and the financial wizard is from an Asian country that shall remain nameless (but is probably inhabited by many fans in the stans, if you catch my drift).

    • I really enjoy extreme weather events because they are always so memorable. Something about going from bitter cold to warming up (and there’s always something sensual about warming up, isn’t there?) always leaves an impression on me. If you have never tested the theory that the fastest way to warm up is laying naked with someone in a sleeping bag, I highly suggest trying.

      • As a preschool teacher I love a good blizzard because my little ones are so crazy excited for days. They have all heard about snow angels and can’t wait to create that thing of beauty for themselves.

  7. I think young people should be free to express themselves sexually. WITH PEOPLE THEIR OWN AGE.

    Expression and exploitation are not synonyms, woos.

  8. I believe the root underlying all of this is NLP, neurolinguistic programming, which is a form of brainwashing used by Gafni and the co-founder of his foundation, Ken Wilber, as well as probably 95% of the woos in that Camp Mystic tribe. It is an idea that was founded in the 1970s and has been discredited by reputable psychologists as being a form of snake oil hypnosis.

    It is the foundation of the “pickup artist” culture which made Treeben “David DeAngelo” a multi-millionaire. It is a set of skills that allows people to manipulate others, usually others with low self-esteem. It is the foundation of the grifter mentality that coerces people to join their overpriced MLM and coaching schemes. Just take a look at how many Camp Mystic members tout NLP in their bios. And if they don’t overtly state NLP, see how many were originally part of the pickup artist culture, Smellsberg being just one.

    It is easy to see how Gafni used NLP to seduce and brainwash. That, combined with his position as a “trusted” spiritual source meant that parents didn’t fear leaving him alone with their daughters. It’s not much different from what Cosby did, minus perhaps the drugs.

    Here are some sources in case anyone is interested in learning more about this Gafni/NLP situation.

    http://www.kenwilber.com/blog/show/524

    http://www.amazon.com/Towards-An-Integral-Vision-Communication/dp/1412045274

    http://www.patheos.com/blogs/marcgafni/2014/02/why-unique-self-matters-unique-self-part-4/

    On this next one, scroll down to a long comment by one Holly Epstein on April 24, 2013. Excerpt: “But this poor Rabbi, who defames Christ by comparing himself to him and claims that, like him, others are trying to “murder his life force” and bring him down too, uses the grandiosity move and the pity ploy as decoy all at once so that those around him will say, “I’m so sorry you’re going through that, Marc” as he delights in how he’s baited and hooked them using the feigned crisis of the situation he has just invented to ensure that even greater bonds of loyalty are NLP’d into their minds. Such brilliant manipulation, and often committed inside the Holy of Holies itself, even! Ah, yes, for the sociopath, it is all about the love of the game of what they can get away with next. The love of the game is much too fun for him.”

    http://thebabarazzi.com/2013/04/22/holy-shit-john-friend-needs-a-new-public-relations-agent/

    • They are all so creepy and grifty. What I don’t get is, why do all the woos and their hangers-on, like Donk, have to go looking for the sketchiest, skeeviest “thought leaders” to idolize, yet they have such trouble relating to normal, down-to-earth people like Baby Brother Britt? Like, how messed up do you have to be that spending time with your (seemingly drama-free) family is torture, but you think of these narcissistic “life coaches” as the most evolved tribe on the planet? Gafni seems like a psychopath; aren’t there a bunch of less-toxic woos to choose from? Did they all sign some loyalty oath to him?

  9. Here is some more background on NLP history and who uses it. Tony Robbins being a major one. Hello? Also, remember Donkey posting six months or so ago about studying NLP, and being pointed to a place in Marin (with very expensive tuition).

    http://skepdic.com/neurolin.html

    • My dad was deep into this shit for a long time. He’s chilled out about it somewhat, but pushed it on me to the point where words stopped making sense for a while and I still have major issues trusting anyone. It’s essentially the language of the unbridled id, packaged as a recipe for how to fuck people over without them realizing they’ve been fucked or how badly.

      On the plus side, I am now excellent at cold-reading people (can spot when someone is using manipulative language from twenty paces) and have mastered the art of maintaining a neutral expression in the face of unrelenting batshit. Guess he succeeded in teaching me a few life skills after all.

      It’s no good, is my point. For a bunch of people who claim to be all about fostering community and holding their fellow humans in their hearts, they sure love the fine points of mind-fucking someone into submission to their own personal desires.

      • Is there a field of study for un-NLPing? Like what you’ve done, something that teaches people how not to be tricked or manipulated?

        • Not to my knowledge. It’s just an inner warning whistle that sounds whenever somebody walks up to me with a sales pitch disguised as something else. I wish I could bottle it, though, and give it away for free.
          Maybe my dad is right and it causes me to miss out on some things or pass on some people who don’t really deserve to be passed (no one is infallible, after all), but I’d rather that than the alternative.

          This isn’t saying that anyone who does get hoodwinked or scammed was deserving of it in any way. People who operate without conscience get away with it because regular people can’t even fathom that level of dishonesty. The best thing to do, in my opinion, is casually read up about narcissists and psychopaths (or sociopaths, depending on the resource). My favorite trick for dealing with the JIMLs I can’t avoid, including my dad, is the Gray Rock strategy. Apathy can be a life raft in the dark, churning sea of bullshit.

          • You are doing better than you think. Read what you wrote: you’ve got this. Thank you for being candid.

          • Thank you, genuinely, Never the Bride.

            I got into some bad situations in my late teens/early 20s because being groomed as the world’s mark will, surprise, make you a mark; am now preparing to turn 30 without much to show for it except some experiences nobody should have. There is no way I would ever claim expertise on a topic, much less “life”, but I figure honesty is the least I can offer and that’s more than these Scamworld dickheads have.

            Thanks to all of you for keeping the lights on in the basement.

          • I feel you on almost every detail of this. Strong at the Broken Places Club is not the most fun club to be in, but you do meet the nicest people.

      • You, my friend, have a very important book in you. (An Actual book, not a BOOK WHERE IS BOOK book.) A combination memoir, cautionary story, and how to forgive yourself for having been duped. You write beautifully and have a vital story to tell that will doubtless help many, many people.

      • Super curious about this. The unbridled language of the id. Hope you will say more.

        • I’d love to, but it would be an epic TL;DR and I’m nobody’s Fishsticks. Interested parties can contact me at the email I’ve created specifically for this purpose, crystal.enemas@gmail.com. (This is not a joke: please do this.)
          No subscription fee for my blind cc correspondence, no dildo table pictures either.

  10. Gilly, would it be too difficult to redact the names and post the screenshots?

  11. OT: Who else is holed up at home for the weekend thanks to snow? And what snacks did you buy/make to get through the weekend?

    • Not because of snow, but this weekend I am couch-bound all the same — snacks are random deals found on Amazon’s Open Box Deals (nothing open, but shelf life is shorter than usual, which never seemss to factor in) — too many to list, + bookoos of fresh fruit, cup-o-noodles & instant cider.

      Now, if I can just find a really good, multi-seasons long tv series to stream …

    • grass fed sirloin roast, oven roasted potatoes, roasted onions, many green veg, might run out of milk and eggs

    • We are in the “hammered” zone for this snowstorm. My (expired) husband’s idea of “stocking up” was to buy condoms. At his advanced age, he felt embarrassed (spelling word) to be buying only condoms, so guess what else he got?

      Pringles.

      Date night, anyone?

    • I made three huge batches of eats: chili, red lentil stew, and beef stew with smoked paprika. Also have some good cheese and a fennel salad! I do not go gentle into that good blizzard.

    • The Borgias, any Bollywood with dancing (so, not the brutal depressing ones), and the last season of Parks & Rec.

      Food has been cream of mushroom soup upcycled into pasta sauce. It’s so good (my husband made it) that I’m going out and shoveling random strangers’ sidewalks just so I can get hungry again and have another gallon of it.

      We have a ham and stuff in the fridge too… but we’re out of frozen mango (I like smoothies) so the situation is pretty dire. Luckily we only got about 10 inches (unlike your mom) so we’ll probably get out by tomorrow. And there’s a corner store we can walk to for steaks.

    • Made a shepherds pie tonight from stuff we bought yesterday but fully expected to eat brunch out and have a few cocktails this afternoon. It was tough going after DBlas and the gov announced the travel ban. By 3 PM, places that were opened earlier were closed. Ended up having a great time at the Conrad Hilton in Battery Park City. Guests gotta eat and drink! In my opinion, not the kind of huge storm I grew up with in the Midwest, but still a lot of snow for here.

    • I’m in icepocalypse central, so it’s less snow and more terrifying driving conditions/power outages a-go-go. I’m hardly in dire straits, but I ordered a bunch of takeout from a restaurant I like on Friday night and have been eating classy leftovers ever since. Other than that, I’m just waiting to see if my building keeps its power; so far so good but I think the winds are supposed to pick up again overnight!

        • Hi neighbor!
          Bf was in charge of groceries. They had run out of eggsbreadmilk so we have tortillas, chorizo, and orange juice. Plus lots of pasta and sauce. He also got a bunch of fresh fruit so the nutribullet is getting love.

  12. I have a depressing wedding to go to, one of those that you know isn’t going to last beyond a year or two, but that her parents spent 45K plus on that they can ill-afford. The slacker daughter registered at this high-end kitchenware boutique in town, and it was hilarious to see what someone who works as a bagger at the local supermarket had on her wish list. Steak knives that were $25 apiece. I’d laugh if it wasn’t so sad.

      • Even an average stainless trash can is 75 bucks. She had something $650 on the list that I didn’t even bother looking at, but should have, because I can only imagine what it was.

          • That or some super-high end cappuccino machine. This place is like the FAO Schwarz of kitchen and dining. All kinds of designer stuff at outrageous prices. I love going in there but can’t afford anything. A boyfriend bought me some kind of expensive scented oil thing there, a glorified glade plug-in in a fancy container for something like $200 with the oils.

          • My BFF and I wanted a Vitamix so hard, we nearly agreed to split it. She lives in Cleve, I live in DC. We realized the folly, but boy oh boy did we want that thing. We settled for Nutribullets.

          • OMG, I love my Vitamix… just sayin’
            You could put nails in there, blend it up and make a delicious smoothie!

        • Even an average stainless trash can is 75 bucks.

          That reminds me of a recent-ish joke by Chris Rock: “Oil is down to 40 dollars a barrel. Man, you can’t even buy a barrel for forty bucks!”

    • Ugh… had a “friend” like that too. They had the entire wedding party over at their house for a gift opening party after returning from their honeymoon.

      Notable registry items she whined about not getting:

      $85 Chrome soap dish
      $200 Chrome Bathroom waste bin/basket
      $600 Bedding set with matching $800 Duvet cover
      $75 Sham pillows – 2 Square, 2 Round – $300

      Oh the hurt fee-fees and resentment… but the best part was the look of rage on her face when one of the (many) assembled bridesmaids suggested the reason why she got next to nothing was that she picked things that were more expensive than 90% of the guests would be able to afford.

      • I haven’t invited anyone over to see all the loot I got since the Christmas my best friend and I were 12.

        • It was a gross display to say the least. I know the Maid of honor and (I think) at least two of the other six bridesmaids had similar parties after they got married.

        • I don’t think it is, assuming most people don’t normally throw parties to gloat like that.

          I’ve only seen it in that circle of “friend of a friends”.

          • Maybe it’s regional? My Midwestern in-laws made us do it, and are making my sister-in-law do it too when she gets married this June.

          • Not sure if any of them were from the midwest originally, but this was all on the north shore of Long Island.

          • Gimme Pig, my experience with the opening of gifts also took place in the midwest. It was such a strange thing, especially since we were made to feel completely unwelcome, while being forced to be there.

          • Morrocanwear, I will say this for my in-laws….they took everyone to champagne brunch first, let them sit on couches in the living room (lol really baseline hostessing here), and provided booze. It was not my favorite part of the wedding, but no one suffered unduly, I think.

            The garage thing is CRAZY. But I actually love horrible weddings…they make the best stories!

      • Here’s one more. In my day, a friend would throw you a bridal shower, inviting your other friends. Then one of your mom’s friends would throw you one, with the mom’s friends attending. The gifts were expected to be modest.

        My mom must have had one of her friends ask what sorts of gifts I’d like for my shower (of her friends). Mom must have said, “I don’t know, she likes ducks.” (What?)

        Fifteen ladies, 15 duck gifts. I had not realized the variety of ceramic duck figurines available in 1987. And when I say “figurine,” I mean 3-foot-tall ducks.

      • I went to a terrible wedding with a cash bar once. The bridal party was being served nice champagne and not a drop of boxed wine for the rest of us. It took place in this weird hotel ballroom hours from where the bride and groom grew up. The next day we were told to drive a few hours back to the home of the bride’s parents to watch the newlyweds open their gifts (!!!!????). When we got there, the event was set up in the garage because the parents didn’t want us messing up their home. At the time I thought it was maybe a weird regional thing but have since decided that the family is just kind of awful.

        • Bunch of people watching ya open a bunch of presents is NOT all it’s cracked up to be, trust. /understatement

          My (now ex) s-i-l threw us a surprise house warming party &, greg love her, it was so NOT a good idea — even if there were anything we needed or wanted, I’d have been loathe to ask someone to buy it for us, & especially not those friends of my inlaws who I barely (or not at all) knew. It was a collossal waste of $$.

          The clincher was red koolaid getting spilled on eggshell white carpet, then all the other little kids tattling on the spiller, & then that poor child being threatened (by his mother) that I was going to severely whip him, which in turn terrified most all the kids in sight / site / cite.

          TL;DR: evening got hijacked; new house got trashed; I got to write Thank You notes for that shizz.

    • Many years ago, I registered for china. In those days, you registered for china, silver, and crystal and nothing else (at least in these parts). The idea of the registry was that people would know what you wanted and there’d be a record of what others had already got for you, so you wouldn’t get duplicates.

      The ONLY gifts I got from the registry were two gravy boats.

      • This! For me, one set of grandparents bought the fancy china, the others bought the not so fancy and the glassware. But both were very modest and not stuff that people would have looked at and thought it was JayZ and Beyonce.

      • Yep, it was “Jane’s getting married; her pattern’s Kutani Crane.” It was assumed that grown-ups already owned serviceable trash cans and paring knives.

        • Yeah , hello? $25 steak knives. Give me a freaking break. Go to Tuesday Morning and a whole set of high end steak knives for six fucking people are $28.

          • When we bought our current car (used), the previous owner had left two boxes of brand new, very fancy steak knives in the trunk. We called them but they had already moved out of state and told us to keep them. So we did. Our steak knives are now considerably fancier than the rest of our silverware.

        • I just saw a set of really nice steak knives at Wm. Sonoma after Christmas sale… I remember there was a set of 6, and they were very reasonably priced.

        • I feel the need to say this. Villeroy and Boch “Petite Fleur.”

          (Husband’s family is Luxembourgish”

          • I never registered for anything, and I’ve always said if I did it would be for an industrial cotton candy machine and ice shaving machine. The “fine china” concept made me nervous from my childhood days.
            But my glassware was Villeroy and Boch. I bought it because I liked it and didn’t make anyone watch me open it.

      • My husband and I registered for china and crystal and kind of random gifts. We were not jerks so we put inexpensive stuff on the list. It was a million years ago so it was just a local gift shop, not a large retailer. I do have to say that when I use one of my wedding gifts I always think of the gift giver, even 20+ years later. My kindergarten teacher gave us a $10 bowl from our registry and I love taking it out because I loved her.

        • Years ago, friends of mine “registered” at the Sausalito Flea Market. They got the best stuff!

    • I married a white dude and my immigrant mother found the whole registry process mystifying. After opening gifts in front of everyone the day after the wedding (not my idea–fortunately we only had 15 guests total including immediate family), I was pulled aside by her into a corner. Genuinely distressed and confused, she whispered to me in Mandarin, ‘Why did your mother-in-law buy you so many plates?’ She was not appeased when I explained to her that it was just something white people did…

        • It’s pretty much unheard of around here too, except people / women can see it in American movies (and some want to emulate those, no doubt).

      • This is awesome. I love to hear stories like this. People can get into such a bubble when it comes to weddings…

  13. Dudes, I just have to come out of lurkerdom and say I’m so glad everyone’s here. Life is hard; my kitten is almost a year old, and when she was just shy of 6 months, my mom was diagnosed with early-0nset Alzheimer’s. We moved to be closer and help with my mom’s care, and I’m at loose ends. As of this evening, I am in my 30s and living with my mother (which is hopefully a very temporary situation). Anyway, there is no point to this. I just needed to say that I read here daily, and love the chatter. It is salvation. These woos are wootastic and insane. You guys are the best.

    • Solidarity, mon ami. I heled my mother take care of her father who had Parkinson’s. Please keep a tight grip on your own social life and make sure to take care of your own needs too. Sending you the very best thoughts and wishes. <3

    • All the hugs. Caring for parent(s) and child(ren) at the same time gets into medal-deserving, ticker tape parade territory in my book. You are doing Greg’s work and you all will be in my thoughts tonight.

    • Take good care of yourself and make sure you have support. Caregiver fatigue is real and it can do a number on you. Sometimes it will feel overwhelming.

      When all is said and done, you will be so glad you were there for your mom. You are doing the right thing, absolutely. But work on a support network for yourself, it will make things easier for you. Glad we can be part of that for you!

    • that is a rough situation. applause to you for taking it on. i am a working mom, my husband is gone a lot; 90 percent of the childcare is on me. it’s not easy and we make good bank. and that’s a happy situation. all the applause.

    • Greg bless. Echoing the calls for self care. Even a 30 minute walk or nap or drive to nowhere can be restorative. Spent 59 days by my mother’s bedside in the hospital and nearly lost my mind several times – bullshit ice cream cones or manicures can save your sanity. Important – when friends offer to help take them up on it – you wouldn’t think twice about grocery shopping or doing laundry for a friend in crisis so don’t feel bad about accepting the same. You can do this. Sending good thoughts.

      • Thank you all for the kind words; deep breaths for now. Self-care is hard, and I’ll need to keep an eye on it …. perhaps I can start small, with getting some Cheetohs, now that I am an official basement dweller.

        • welcome, lurker!

          I can’t imagine how hard that must be, I agree with the self-care, take yourself out for something nice and tell ’em RBD sent you!

        • i was the head competent person in charge when my father was dying and i was in high school and my mother lost her mind; your great gift to your kitten will be keeping your shit together

    • All my best, Quackery. We’re glad you’re here too. I cannot imagine how difficult that situation must be. xoxo

  14. OT: I just need to tell you all that the JIML took Ayahuasca last weekend and came back talking about how healthy and balanced she now feels.

    Then last night she JUMPED OUT OF OUR MOVING UBER.

    Fucking crazy people man.

  15. Sorry to ask, but who are the horrifying people in the photo? And what are they offering in the barter economy?

  16. omg, iasip:

    Charlie claims that what is actually on trial here is “common sense”. In a brilliant swift stroke of defense, Charlie flusters Dennis into admitting that having “donkey brains” is a legitimate social disorder, then provides Frank’s sealed certificate exonerating him of all donkey brains, issued from the Reid Mental Institution. This shifts Dee’s vote to the fence and Mac’s to Frank’s side.

  17. I haven’t been around in a while, but it seems the Gafni guy is a scumbag and most likely a criminal (despite never being prosecuted, it seems). A bunch of dumbass Burning Man people defending him is unfortunately not a big surprise. I know there are normal people who go to BM, but there are also tons of freaks, narcissists, and so forth.

    I’m wondering if I’m missing something more specific to RBD’s usual suspects. Has Julia defended him in any way? Or just some other idiots like Ali Shanti? Can someone explain this to me like I’m five?

  18. Haven’t seen it mentioned yet …
    Anyone notice Mulia Mallison deleted those last two tweets?
    Suppose she’s pretending not to be on her ph during “work”?

    • Hell, I doubt if they’re even registered to vote, or haven’t bothered to update their registration since they’ve moved.

    • hahahah all they know is if they were voting, they would vote Democrat. this has been the most exciting campaign season ive ever witnessed. God Emperor Trump’s rise over cuckservatives and Bernie’s second wind + more and more damning classified documents on Hilldogs email server threaten to knock her out of the race. popcorn.gif. Have they even bothered blogging “Trump Sucks?”

  19. Hello, beautiful basement! I hope you’ll indulge me with a little OT because I value your point of view.

    I’ve been a writer my whole life, but I’ve never wanted to publish something until now. I want to publish a memoir or collection of essays about opiate addiction. A lot of the material is already there. I’ve already written about so many things… the struggle of learning how to live again after 13 years of addiction, heartbreak, homelessness, loss of a former life. The shame of relapse. The effect on relationships and sense of self. A million lessons learned.

    I also want to write about more things, like the revelation of sex after detox; loving another addict; reckoning with the past; forming new relationships; the chaos of entering into a marriage while still teetering between relapse and cleanliness. It won’t be an Oprah story of redemption.

    So my question is… is it worth it? Is the marketplace too crowded already? I just can’t seem to let go of this idea that I have something unique to say. So is it realistic?

    Thank you for holding this space! Chocolate weed dildos for everyone!

    • I can’t speak to how the marketplace would react, but I’m interested! Have you published before? I know memoir can sometimes be a difficult place to start, but if it’s a compelling story and you have a strong proposal …

    • of course I would love to read anything YOU wrote, but can I answer from the point of view of an ex addict who doesn’t know you? I find most of those things to be pretty self indulgent, like,” yeah I partied soooi hard… nearly died like 80 million times.. so edgy like a mountain climber. now im a redeemed normie like everyone else. ”

      I also find graphic descriptions of drug use triggering, and dont like reading about it. if anything, I (we?) want to hear salacious gutter stories about how low you sank and what you did so we feel better about ourselves. I don’t think people need another accurate description of how bad withdraw l sucks. but what is an opioid memoir without one?

      I think you need to try and hit that market of middle class whites that are dying in droves right now. If your hook is “I started with back pain, went to street heroin, scored dope at my kids soccer meet” etc, you might be able to hit thr right nerve.

      I think you should write it without any concern for publishing. give it to your teenage daughter so she doesnt.make the same mistakes.

      • When you have a story you are passionate about writing, don’t try to predict the market or audience’s reactions.
        Voice, storytelling and language are what draw me into a book or essay.
        There is only one circumstance in which I would advise a writer to take an honest look at whether the market for their topic is over-saturated. For example, if an “author,” is motivated to “write” a “book” just to get the “book deal,” and they choose a topic, such as “happiness,” because they are so unoriginal and dim that they only recognize worn cliches as “edgy,” “young” ideas… Then, THEN I would advise a writer to drop the “idea” and to shut their maw.

      • Thank you both. And I feel you, ks. The LAST thing I want this to be is self-indulgent and you’re right. Withdrawal is well covered territory. But I want this to be spiritual and I want to say all the things that opiates muted me from saying all these years. I can’t explain it better than that.

        I just got married for the first time at age 40, and I don’t have any kids. There is no soccer mom or bad-ass almost-died component to this; I think I’m just going to have to put it all together and see if my experience is compelling enough.

        A lot of people turn their backs on themselves. Mine was a pill, yours was something else.

      • ks, excellent feedback, especially about the triggering of addiction. From a marketing standpoint sorry Dusty, but I think you have to know your market (for any product) if there’s any expectation of commercial or financial success.
        PW, what are your goals? To get published, to help people, both? There is no wrong answer, just questions you need to answer to help you determine which direction is best.

        • Yes, and yes. I feel like other people will get something out of this, but this is not just for addicts. I think I should re-frame it. This is about getting older, the death of a parent, getting out of codependency, family history, a lot of pretty universal themes.

          And yes, I admit that being recognized for my writing would be nice. I have volumes of poetry and stage plays (my degree is in Drama), only letting a few close friends see them, never putting them out into the world. This new project feels like something that needs to be out there. The feeling is genuine, I don’t want to come off like some pretentious shitwad.

          • the way authors launch themselves nowadays is by posting and gaining a following, and then comes book deal

            outline and plan your first few posts / chapters; write them; publish them … build a community around them …. repeat

            to build readership, it’s ok to go to community sites and join the conversation and say, would you read my post?

          • There is no shame in wanting payment or even recognized for your work, you’ve earned it. You’ve been through a lot, people can learn from you, and you have the opportunity to create a community (much like RBD), which will happen very organically, over time.
            I’d suggest you think of this as a business, as Gram said, outline, then, have clear goals, track the analytics on the website and social media, which helps you determine if you’re reaching your targeted audiences (something advertisers or the publishing industry want to see to prove you have a solid audience & help them determine your investment value) or if you need to adapt and change some element to reach your target.
            I have a template I give to startups if you’re interested bjxbravo at gmail. You’ve found a market that’s underserved (Blue Ocean), now it’s just about organizing it with your goals. Best of luck!

    • I used to read your blog (lost the link tho) and I love your voice. I think you’re brave and honest and I think you have a story to tell.

    • DO IT! Absolutely do it. If you can enroll in a class to be around more writers and get feedback, that would be great. Or a writer’s group. If not, go to Amazon, read selections on how to write a book or memoir and buy the best ones. This will help with structure and pacing. You might want to read some great memoirs, just to see how they captured their audience in the first chapter, etc – maybe not.

      Probably the most important thing to do is write. Lots of websites, magazines carry short stories, you could also start off by submitting something shorter.

      Just go for it.

    • My two cents? If you can write, write. (By that I guess I mean, if you MUST write, write.)
      I think the whole getting an agent, selling, getting published, the marketplace (etc) is putting the cart before the horse (a bit). If someone can write, they can make eating cold cereal in the morning fascinating.
      Did anyone care about poor Irish kids in the 1950s (when poor was POOR) before Angela’s Ashes? Or the memoir of Autobiography of a Face, or Mary Karr?

      It sounds like you know what you are doing (writer-wise), and you have a fascinating story to tell. And even (maybe through us?) the connections to get it to someone who can help/read it. I would just say write. (And keep us posted.)

      It sounds like you have a story that might connect with, and help people. I would say — just wrwrite it.

  20. So sorry for an O/T post but since I know we’ve got some basement dwellers in the SF area, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I’ve been looking for some sign from the universe or Source, but I am getting nothing.
    Huscat and I are going to the Super Bowl to cheer on our beloved Panthers. We are staying Union Square. Is there any type of shuttle service to Levi Stadium? I am seeing that some shuttle services were available during the regular season, but am not seeing anything for the Super Bowl. Any suggestions to getting to Levi Stadium would be greatly appreciated as well as any spots to grab a nice dinner & drinks in SF.
    Many ecstatic, ineffable thanks in advance for any guidance you can provide. Greg bless.

    • Math is hard for girls, but last time she was claiming $35K / month it was really less than $5K / month. So, whatever Shanti is claiming divided by approximately 7?

  21. She’s baaaaaaak! At least to hawk her comfy delightful abode, again, on FB. From 2 hrs ago:

    “I have a gorgeous top floor 2 bedroom Marina apartment on Beach Street available March 15th … it’s heavenly and quiet and beautiful and a rare gem in SF – and I will miss it (I’m moving into a bigger home near nature in Marin or the East Bay at some point this year). I got my place from a friend, and I want to keep it in the family. This home won’t even go on the market (and if you check on Zillow or Craigslist – there are literally ZERO places in the Marina area available). Devin and I put in new chandeliers, dimmers, curtains, california-closetized it, really customized the joint. wink emoticon So let me know if you’re interested. Fair warning: it’s pricey … but welcome to SF. (We pay $4700 but expect it to rise to something like $5500 or $6k. It IS rent controlled – thus, I can’t just switch the lease over – or I would!)
    PS. There will be another unit available in my building in 8 months … a two bedroom with office. The family there bought a place and is moving out. So if you want to gather a bunch of friends and move in here, this is the place to do it!”

  22. The long Facebook hibernation is over!

    “I have a gorgeous top floor 2 bedroom Marina apartment on Beach Street available March 15th … it’s heavenly and quiet and beautiful and a rare gem in SF – and I will miss it (I’m moving into a bigger home near nature in Marin or the East Bay at some point this year). I got my place from a friend, and I want to keep it in the family. This home won’t even go on the market (and if you check on Zillow or Craigslist – there are literally ZERO places in the Marina area available). Devin and I put in new chandeliers, dimmers, curtains, california-closetized it, really customized the joint. 😉 So let me know if you’re interested. Fair warning: it’s pricey … but welcome to SF. (We pay $4700 but expect it to rise to something like $5500 or $6k. It IS rent controlled – thus, I can’t just switch the lease over – or I would!)

    PS. There will be another unit available in my building in 8 months … a two bedroom with office. The family there bought a place and is moving out. So if you want to gather a bunch of friends and move in here, this is the place to do it!”

    • LOL she’s moving to a larger home . . . somewhere . . . sometime . . .

      Oh please Julia. This is I’m MOVING TO LA!!!! All over again.

      So does this confirm that her lease is not up, she’s just ordered to vacate (due to illegal Airbnb) and she is responsible for the remainder of the lease $$ unless she finds an adequate replacement?

      Also, I thought she needed to go by, like, 2 weeks ago?

      I’m confused about everything but her obvious lying.

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