Donkey Bits

Whodunit?

deaddonkey

Ali, for the last time, please remove your tongue from Julia’s bunghole. Her father will not be signing up for the Super Duper “Exclusive” Big Cheese Chicago Money Map & Happy Ending Massage now or ever.

A pensive moment: i love you umbrella.

pensive donkey

Like all woos and two year olds, Donkey wants instant gratification:

Who is the best musical professor/coach you know? If I wanted to learn rapidly – like really rapidly – overarching music theory / guitar / piano / voice lessons – who would you recommend? smile emoticon Thank you!

She couldn’t ask caterwauling Jess Johnson this question? Is she planning a surprise for Rain? “Now we can tour together and I’ll be your opening act!”

Bottom Fan in the ‘Stan: Vega Giovanny!

vega

169 COMMENTS

  1. Funny thing, I used that same phrase in a tweet (3hr) before she posted this hilarious candid (family fantasy shot) Sure, a common phrase after a holiday, but let’s consider, our gal Jules, never an original thought. She even fails at trolling.

  2. Julia Allison Who is the best musical professor/coach you know? If I wanted to learn rapidly – like really rapidly – overarching music theory / guitar / piano / voice lessons – who would you recommend? smile emoticon Thank you!

    RUN, NEWEST MUSICIAN MARK, RUN!

    • Has to have a plan while she’s home. Brayway in NYC the next stop?

    • For someone who doesn’t seem to have learned anything ever, she sure insists on this concept of instant acquisition of skills.

      • Unfucking believable. Can someone turn me into a concert pianist overnight?! I may want to play Carnegie Hall while my masculine, Rain PhuturePhuckPhace, spins, though tomorrow I may want to be a surgeon or go to Harvard Business School! I’m a curious girl in a curious world!

        • This kind of mindset may have been mildly amusing twenty years ago. It became ridiculous at least ten years back and is nothing but tragic now.

        • I like how Julia Who Doesn’t Work assumes there’s a professor out there who need$ a part-time gig, or just an honorable mention to her robo fans in the ‘stans.

          Oh, & her obvious appreciation of struggles her musician friends have endured while trying to make it — Donkey is going to master that creativity & talent in one swift online lesson, suckas!

          Maybe procurement of a Chicago music coach is Mulia’s warped pretense for how she ends up staying there in the omg! downtown stall?

          • Why not take that second improv class she’s been meaning to take for the last five years or so…

            I don’t know why this of all things is what really bothers me, it’s not like she’d otherwise be flawless. Probably has something to do with her trivializing real, at times serious stuff rather than a sudden case of Protestant Ethic…

          • Everyone on the plane, when D0nk bullied them into a rousing sing-along of Decks the Stalls, must have expressed amazement that they were in fact not in the midst of a renowned musical diva.

            When Mom$er asked, for the 144th time in ten years, “What’s the plan now, Leech?”, Donk decided to embody her latest delusion.

      • Yes. I know she’s done this many times before but the one that springs to mind for me is when she crowdsourced how to get really flexible really fast, probably when she first got into yoga. As if it’s that easy, or as if she’d have the discipline to do any kind of intensive program, regardless of the subject.

      • I think she got this notion from [REDACTED], who used to do it a lot, the difference being that he could acquire that knowledge really quickly, and put it to use.

        • Get a trophy just for showing up > Show trophy to world via FB post > Art-direct fauxto-shoot of self with hooves on piano keys; holding the guitar backwards; onstage (of empty venue) wearing opera gown belting one out into an unplugged NBC mic > Update Donkapedia page

    • Next stop MacArthur Fellowship. Go for that Genius Grant, Julia, it’s yours for the taking.

    • Yup, ’cause learning an instrument is super easy! Julia, how about you start with a kazoo and work (lol) your way up from there.

  3. Greg forbid she put time and effort into learning something. Is the rush job because she’s planning a con?

  4. How does one reach the age of almost 35 with this much naivete? This sounds like the first half of a conversation between a 12 year old and a parent, with the second half being a lecture/warning about responsibility, taking things seriously, tempered expectations, and – most of all – practice time. This is annoying on so many levels. Not only does she have to learn “rapidly,” it has to be “like really rapidly.” And it can’t be just a single instrument for openers, she needs to master guitar, piano, voice, and theory “like really rapidly.” Maybe there is an opening for conductor of the Berlin Philharmonic she is hoping to apply for in the Spring? Prove me wrong, Julia. I don’t “know you,” I just know your online persona. But based on that, you do not strike me as a serious person. You don’t know me, so feel free to blithely ignore my comments (which, as you never read here, should be easy), but I can’t imagine the Online Julia putting in the long, long hours of solitary practice needed to gain even a preliminary handle on piano basics. Even if a fusion of Tony Robbins and Leonard Bernstein gave you lessons, at the end of the day it is you and the keyboard alone together for as many (long) hours/years as it takes to get brain, fingers, and keyboard all doing their thing, not to mention how long it takes to move from just being able to play the notes to learning musicality. The thing about masters, Julia, is that they make it *look* easy. But, no, it is not as easy as this looks: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qB76jxBq_gQ. Still, go for it. Take some lessons and sit down in front of that keyboard and go to work. Maybe you will learn some valuable lessons.

  5. So there’s someone visiting or there who is willing to take ridiculous staged pictures if her (and I can’t believe Jules doesn’t realize at this point that we’re all only thinking about who took the picture). But that person doesn’t deserve a picture of her/him?

    • She probably refused to get up/out of the way until someone took the fauxto.

      • Yet another example of the journalith author who knows not what a word means … coulda / shoulda slumped down in a chair.

        Who remembers when D0nk had her nose to the ground, tracking Daviiot’s trail? At that now-defunct “inn” where he may have been w/ Haley, there was that fauxto of the prone girl in the grass, & it looked like Donkey (though she claimed it was someone else) …

        Weird staging, weird donkey who’s weird.

  6. In high school (I’m an expired 32 now) one summer I decided I was going to teach myself guitar. I thought, “I played a string instrument for 12 years, how hard can it be?!” Turns out, fairly hard. I bought myself a red guitar (after bussing tables all summer) and played it maybe 10 times ever. Lesson learned. Donk won’t learn because she never gets beyond the “posting about it on FB” stage.

    Also, if Donk really wanted to, she could have learned the uke. It’s shockingly easy and I was playing half the songs from Sister Act after 3 days.

    • It would be a perfect entry level instrument for her to have some instant gratification and learn some basics about music.

      That said, I’d be horrified because this is MY instrument, dammit. I feel bad enough that Jess “Magic” has co-opted it for her caterwauling.

  7. OT, but more clues about who Shanti-town is going after:

    Are you so wrapped up in your own inner drama and outer posturing that you cannot and will not stop to actually help another being?

    It’s time to wake up, get your head out of the darkness that it’s in and discover how you can use this one precious life of yours to truly serve.

    I want to believe she’s going after Moodles, who we have long pegged as a complete hypocrite. Moodles recently crowd-sourced funding for her Global Sisterhood Day and right around the same time, Shanti-town started linking to a fundraiser for Syrian refugees in Greece. Ali’s diatribe above would certainly fit our narriative. Does fraudulent coaching + self-aggrandizing fundraising = Sisterectomy?

    • I’m not on board w/ the Noodles theory you stated (1st I’ve heard of it, actually) but, as others have said, the Swainwreck odds are looking mighty good (I can tots see Old Raunch trying to browbeat him out of $$ w/ a past due notice for parting the leather meat curtains, & who else does she know w/ any real money?)

    • Not on board with Noodley or Swain.

      Noodley group of sisters is too tight for her to leave. She’d be leaving all the rest of them.

      She hasn’t had anything to do with Swain for a year or more, except the occasional like on a post. Swain does his own thing somewhere else. They are on a parallel track. He is irrelevant. That said, the guru guy he is with, the ex-Menudo guy, might be her target since he’s the one holding seminars and grifting.

      We’ll never know, though, because she never does anything more than just cast passive-aggressive shade at whomever is bugging her at any given moment so that she can gain sympathy from the idiots who follow her.

    • She’ll flip on a dime and I’d suspect it has to do with the recent former rabbi rapist or someone in that group. Perhaps Lala or her husband, selling them out to try and make a buck. Not sure how’d that work though since she too, took money from him/his group and conducted a group with him at Burning Man.
      It’s sad I could see her trying to pimp out her underage kid to him then turning around and trying to sue him. As they saying goes, there’s no honor among thieves.

  8. I am cringing at how nasty those fUgg boots probably are from traipsing around in the rain. And also at Julia hanging around outdoors in her PJs.

  9. “Who is the best musical professor/coach you know? If I wanted to learn rapidly – like really rapidly – overarching music theory / guitar / piano / voice lessons – who would you recommend? smile emoticon Thank you!”

    Well, Donkey, there’s this place called The Crossroads where you could bargain for this. That is, if you actually had a soul to trade.

      • Satan would be all like, “Hm, how about phenomenal pole-dancing skills instead? Because I’m evil, y’know? You’ll be the best pole-dancer ever, but still humiliate yourself and look like an ass because of your ungainly burra physique. And it’ll be agony for those low-life chumps in the strip club watching you. Win-win for me! Whaddya say? It’s not like you’re doing anything else with your life anyway.”

        • It will be like the time Satan on “Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell” made Byle play “The Velvet Lurker” until they fell apart, and made everyone in hell listen while he had earplugs.

          Ahh, that Satan.

          We know Satan is down with Burning Man, too, because that is obviously ‘the man’ on the Hell logo.

          • Satan is totally down with Burning Man, (Satan has a fondness for druggy wastrels) and the plane crash of Julia Allison’s career. He really digs it, and I can’t say he’s wrong.

    • She should apply to Juilliard.

      I hear that is fuck-you credential for musicians.

      PS: Donkey.

    • Yeah, what’s the meaning of “overarching”?

      Donkey doesn’t understand that learning anything…even fast enough to desperately hang on to a relationship with DJ…requires: PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE!

      Learning anything is not a 2-day catered seminar at a sunny resort!

  10. Exquisite garden! Oh, by the way, there’s this thing called “mulch,” you might ask the gardener to give it a try.

        • Also accepted:

          “After several incidents, Julia’s parents demand she farts outdoors”.

        • Speaking of barren: does she realize that she statistically has less than half a decade left to become the MVP in the MommyWars? She really needs to find a wallet pretty quickly is she wants to get sperminated so she can crowdsource how to be the best mom ever (while passive-aggressively berating All Other Moms Everywhere for not being a Cool Mom Like Rainbow).

          I long for her next incarnation, as I am bored to tears with Woolia. I want desperate real suburban hausfrau can’t-lose-the-babyweight Jules, preferably married to a cheating pastor (he can bang either the nanny, a tiny-n-cuter parishioner, or a dude, his choice: I am pro-choice for all evangelical pastors that way!) because why not.

          • Perfect solution for the sad, baby-crazed, clock-ticking woo women: Jules, Noodles, and the Pleasurable Gold Digger band together as sister wives to some trust fund Burner who will impregnate them all and be able to brag about his nutty harem. Win-win.

      • This would have been good for a caption contest. I think there is still some mileage in creatively interpreting this introspective scene.

      • “I can kill them both, and bury them right there…. next to that tiny bush…. and then the Lakeside Assisted Living Facility will all be mine!” [Lightning/Thunderclap]

    • Their house makes me so sad. I have a cousin who recently bought a home in the same neighborhood as theirs. The previous owners, a young, extremely successful couple with a small child, were intending for it to be a forever home before the husband got transferred overseas. They’d only lived in it for a year, but in that year, they updated half the house. When my cousin’s family moved in, they finished the rest within the first six months. The home is seriously drool-worthy. They managed to pull it off, and they are both medical professionals with three children under ten.

      I don’t understand the Baughers – mom has all the free time, they ostensibly have the money, and while I get that they are WASPs, updating the home would increase its value. It wouldn’t be that much trouble for them to hire a decorator. There are YouTube gurus and lifestyle bloggers who earn way less and make more of an effort. So what gives? Is all their extra money going to fund Julia’s lifestyle?

      I mean, there isn’t even a rug in that living room!

      • Good thing there isn’t a rug if the example of their standard of rug is the cheap indoor/outdoor carpet Donkey is lying on in that fake posed slump picture.

      • The money they have goes to supporting their free loading daughter. No $$ left to reno their house … or travel… or retire. Dad$er will be working until he has one foot in the grave if they don’t kick Donkey off the dole soon.

      • I get the impression they are just not into decorating… I mean — none of them are all that well dressed. The table is never properly set (for major meals like Thanksgiving, I mean). They serve side dishes in foil take out containers… use paper napkins, there are no decent flowers on the table. (And again — I mean for Thanksgiving — not “Friday night pizza night!”)

        Are they WASPs? I never got that vibe off them. (But what do I know?)

        I think there are some people who decorate the house (like — 30 years ago!) and just leave it.

        Sad, I know. I look at it and think: how can people live like that?

    • Cari? But she can’t want Bobby that much. There are more rich old men to fleece.

      Is this the area where she sometimes “runs into” Ty? That would be amazing.

      • Yep, that’s my theory. Shot herself because she saw the writing on the wall and figured she could ride the sympathy wave for a while to keep her marriage from falling apart.

        • Plus the additional memory loss so she can pick up with her family like nothing happened. It’s the pot she’s been smelling… Either she’s smoking it or the shooter is a stoner.
          I had a bad feeling it was Ty after he saw the engagement announcement

  11. I imagine the last post about singing/coaching/ fast/fast was done in the same tone and manic panic as Christmas wrapping paper Crack video. #Spiraling

    • Yep, she’s feeling like a pathetic, money grubbing sloth after spending time with her successful, financially independent, level-headed brother who married someone other than himself.

    • Winchester, now I can’t stop seeing it that way!
      Faster, PussyKhaat, Sing Sing.

  12. I thought that first picture was Ali lying on the floor, then I realized the floor was free of grime & ghouls

    • Ali has no time to roll on the floor! She’s busy posting come-ons for her New Year’s Eve sucker sign-up bash:

      “I never would have imagined that I would be excited about the idea of teaching people to read the numbers of their business, but it’s what’s coming through in 2016.”

      Ten more paragraphs of blah, blah, blah and a like from Julia Allison.

      • So many words, so little meaning. She has never once offered up anything helpful. She actually thinks her ideas are ALL so great they require money to share; and, anyone in business knows the opposite it true if there’s actual talent involved, but she and Jules collectively have less talent than an aborted fetus.

    • You really should consider getting sober. There’s help for people like you, you know.

  13. It’s obviously her parents taking these pictures of her, to use as evidence of their daughter’s dangerously unstable mental state. They probably want a rock-solid case for having her involuntarily committed, taken away like Blanche duBois to the (very nice) funny farm upstate.

  14. For someone facing an imminent housing crisis, she sure is spending her sweet time lolling around her parents’ house.

  15. Some random thoughts…

    1) the music post. Donkey is thinking of starting a YouTube music career or there’s some kind of imminent opportunity which requires musical ability. Festival season kicks off in March with SXSW; is Donkey going to attempt to hit the road? I’m not convinced this is to impress a mark – if it were, she’d be posting photos of her at the piano again.

    2) the rock climbing.
    2a) Interesting that 3+ years into #youknowyouliveinsfwhen, Donkey’s first foray into climbing is in a gym in Chicago. Climbing is a huge thing in San Francisco, right up there with yoga and cycling, and Donkey has oodles of free time. There is even a climbing gym right in her precious Marina. Rich tech founders are always at the climbing gym.
    2b) the humble brag about “being afraid of heights” and yet she posts a photo of being about three stories up. However, that looks like it was probably a very easily rated course – probably a 5 or 6.
    2c) Does Donkey ever hang out with her Chicago friends when she’s at home? Is she trying to kiss up to old pals now that she’s likely being forced back into the OMGDowntownCondo?

    3) For someone who is always fucking posting about healthy food and how the world needs to eat healthy food, she sure as hell never posts about the food she actually makes or consumes on her own. I wouldn’t be surprised if a lazy donkey frequently availed herself of Seamless.

    • You just know she has dragged Nehi to eat pancakes w/ a side of pancakes at that NON-GF-free joint & the other “food” Burrito consumes, contrary to braying out her ass re: value over ‘value meals’? https://vimeo.com/1440334

      Chicago friends? Heh. Well, wait … there was that onetime she posted a pic of her & a friend doing a day at the lake or something like that, but the whole thing had a whiff of being a playdate arranged by Mom$er, so …

      About that rock climbing: Doughnut Calf cite / site / sighting yet again http://s24.postimg.org/h3a5nrcet/doughnut_calf_donktage.png

      I think you’re onto something … D0nk must be trying to justify to Dad$er that while her future plans to-date only involve the festival circuit & Burning Man, she has an income-earning angle in the works.

  16. OT: Fozzie and Bryan F. are having a hilarious back and forth on Fozzie’s FB page. Fozzie is done with spirituality and called BF a whipped, ball less, Molly abuser.

      • I agree with Gilly, I think Fozzie is angry and scary here. Reminding me of the time he stared down the car saleswoman for no reason other than his own anger (about his unraveling relationship with Shanti) bubbled to the service at that moment.

        I don’t think we have a successful de-programming going on here.

    • Fozzie is angry, angry, angry, and his bitching at Bryan Franklin – he and his wife spent time with Ali and Fozzie atop the van futon – is clearly a projection of his own rage at Skankatron:

      Michael Jacobs
      This coming from the “man” who’s balls are in his woman’s hands at all times. Come talk to me in a year bro.

      Bryan Franklin
      You actually just said that. Wow. You really want to start a “balls” competition with me? …sigh… Never mind, you are right.

      Michael Jacobs
      Cool. I will. And while you judge me for drinking a beer, enjoy your 5 hits of Molly and running around half naked trying to impress every woman you see.
      Oh…and keep calling it “enlightenment.”
      Like I said, talk to me in a year bro.

      I’m too busy to post about Fozzie’s enlightenment, but here’s the link:

      https://www.facebook.com/MrJacobs21/posts/10207100146635955?pnref=story

      • May Po: Pls find out why you attract bad things to your life. Good luck.

        ::waives to that ‘bad thing’ aka ol draunch::

    • I love the way the woos are responding. All his old pals are all “All riiiight! Woot! Par-taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! (Etc.)” and the woos are writing full pages about the lightness of the reflexiveness or the interpolarity of the spiritual union of the cosmic symbiosis oh I have a PHD so I am an expert in this and love and feel and grow and Fozzie is like “SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU POLE-SMOKING SELF-FISTING TWATS ME NO CARE.”

      Endless LOLies, I have them

      • Looks like Fozzy had a real & true come to Jesus!! So awesome to see someone finally call complete bullshit who was actually in it!

      • OMIGOD here’s Bryan whining away on the FB page:

        “I appreciate the reflection. Obviously Michael felt his process was not honored, which isn’t helpful to my objective of offering new possibilities. That said, I don’t feel that it is valuable to honor the aspect of a process that damns one polarity in favor of another, which is what struck me so loudly in his original post. “This is all a bunch of bullshit” doesn’t read to me as an earnest process, as much as a retreat from one. He’s right in that I don’t revere his choices here – but only the aspect that cuts off the value of the opposite side of the polarity. I lead off with “This is Truth” because I recognize the shadow elements he’s describing, with so much Spiritual by-pass or California side-step or what ever term fits best. There is a lot of nonsense, and it is wise to call it so. There’s a lot of baby thrown out in the bathwater of this post. I will reflect on a more artful way of saving the baby that feels more honoring and less judgmental. I also made an error of relationship here, because I obviously misjudged Michael’s regard for me and for our loose friendship. I incorrectly thought there was enough balance in the “emotional bank account” for a free exchange of ideas – even a judgment of words and actions – that would not have been misinterpreted as a judgment of person or character. I have many many friends who would not have been upset by such a challenge. I obviously was suffering from a delusion of friendship where there was none.”

        Yeah, the kid woke up and realized you need a fucking Orange County Phone Book to write “the cow jumped over the moon.”

        Go honor yourself, asswipe. Fozzie no care no more.

      • I love the one guy who says that Fozzie should have been nicer to people in his posts. I don’t know what triggered Fozzie, but he seems pretty angry, and maybe his anger is justified. Sometimes you just have to call an asshole an asshole for it to sink in that they are, in fact, behaving like an asshole. The woos are too touchy feely to challenge anyone for any transgressions. Everything is sunshine and light, and for that reason there is so much denial among them about any reality or any ability to self-examine. Donkey is a perfect example of this. Nobody is willing to call her out. And anyone who has called her out, respectfully or not, gets blocked. She doesn’t want to face the truth.

  17. OT, but I finished “Making a Murderer” on NYE and have now gone down the rabbit hole of alternate theories and accusations that the series left out key evidence. Fascinating stuff.

    • OMG me too. Did you find the Facebook page of the dude who was the dismissed juror who thinks he’s innocent? Rick Ray is his name.

    • I’m watching it for the third time. If you recommend any particular sources for follow-up, I’d love to hear!

    • I’d love to hear the alternate theories. I was wondering about the investigation into her murder. They didn’t go into that much in the series.

      I’m hoping at some point the truth comes out and the one who did it slips up and talks to someone else or confesses. I believe he is not guilty, and it is totally criminal what they did to his nephew to coerce the confession. I got heartburn watching this, it upset me so much, and I never get heartburn.

      • That poor kid. And Avery’s poor hayseed parents. Just awful. The kid so obviously wasn’t all there and they just took complete advantage of it in order to get the uncle. How does that key end up out in the open weeks later, and found by that one weirdo detective? Come on.

  18. I put google alerts the name of the series and read everything that came up. The series also has its own fb page with articles written about it.mi also went to Reddit where there are several threads. The NYT did a piece a few days ago and there was also an in interview with the filmmakers here which is the only one I’ve seen. http://www.buzzfeed.com/jarettwieselman/making-a-murderer-burning-questions-answered#.yk0jY8kg9

    Onmilwaukee.com has several stories. A lot of defensive cheeseheads in the comments.

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