Fauxto Album: A Very Booger Christmas

tartantranny

tartantranny2

hearth

stuffedstocking

wittlegirl gift

forced runrainblow

Nine likes already for this ineffable album, including Ahmed Alghamrawy, Gökhan Kozan, Vikasitha Tharinda Singhawanshage, Paramahansa Pramanik, Benjamin Londoño Quintero, Dashiel Lagare, Waseem Ahmed, and Monika de Myer.  Yes, that’s Monika de Myer,  THE MONIKA DE MYER, fauxtographer to the stars!

Bottom Fan in the ‘Stan: Krzysztfof Kaźmierczak!

fan stan

200 COMMENTS

  1. Certifiable. And that house is hideous inside. I thought that other fireplace was ugly, this one is even worse. Noah looks cute. Robin needs a more flattering and less fake-looking hair color.

    HAIR BOW. WHY? I’m sure the pierced nose went over well. Looks like a zit.

  2. bottom pic is rather shanti-esque

    speaking of which, I am proud to announce my new dual identity/post name

    i shall no longer be posting as olga-that name will be relegated to the affairs of my conventional, 9-5 paradigm

  3. The Shanti Woo-kie Cry is definitely an Anti-In-Swanity moment (akin to Howard Dean or the best of Chewbacca)… But then, these Fauxtos beg the question: are these shots not, at the end of the (holi-)day, also a cri du coeur, and for some kind of lifeline/intervention. I think the Donk might need to go somewhere quiet for a while (even Mill Valley would be a good distance from SF…).

      • Keep yer Donks close (but none too close…). YMMV (er, um) but I don’t mind the Donk continuing her Grift-sistence in the Bay Area (though I do fear random sightings if she continues to live in SF, which I think she is likely priced out of)… If she retreats to Chicago, we may NEVER see her again…

  4. JULIA’S FASHUN. I CANNOT.

    She’s got on loads of black mascara and shimmery white shadow in the Christmas morning pic. What are the chances she didn’t wash her face the night before?

      • Ugh. Tee hee look at me with my crazy nose ring and my jingle bell head band. “A very hippie Xmas”.
        No, a very dork Xmas.

        • If she wants to piss her parents off with piercings, she should do it right: at one point, I had five fucking things in my face. After I took those out, I pierced my… arm.

          C’Mon Donk, try harder!

        • I was talking with my 15-year-old goddaughter and somehow nose piercing came up, and I asked if she had ever thought about getting one. She looked at me with her infinite teenaged scorn and said, “That’s a mom piercing.”

          • It is rebellion junior. Take it out and let it heal when your Republican wallet decides to take you home to meet the family. Never.

        • Has D0nk ever worn a different nose ring? Are we sure that nose bud isn’t just a magnet? I don’t believe it’s real.

          • For some reason I thought the piercing was on the other side…thinking specifically about the pictures where she was floating on her back in water with some kind of gauzy white dress on, from the trip she took with all the ladies in late Spring or early Summer?

    • These pictures certainly give the lie to the old-granny advice that if you’re miserable just SMILE and BE YOURSELF and no one will ever know you are miserable and you will actually become HAPPY.

      P.S.: BOOK?! You been rung!

      • One of the things that drives me nuts with Donkey is her attempt to be caught candidly in photos (in this case mid-laugh, which is different from the unhinged maw pose, which is…I don’t know what that is.) She clearly, desperately wants to convey how fun-filled and joyful her life is. But behind the scenes is a lot of Donkey honking while everyone else is wondering what the fuck is so funny that she feels the need to snort glee all over the place..

  5. How old is that plaid skirt? It’s over, Donk, let it go!!!
    Just because you paid $450 in 2009 for it does not mean
    It is worth parading around this year. Stop, Donkey, please.

    • Her style is so beyond schizo it causes me actual pain. Pick a lane, donks – you can’t be a wasp princess AND a dirty wooish hippie, y0u just can’t.

    • ‘Scuse YOU; it’s VINTAGE. She bragged about this Etsy score a few years ago, never bothering to notice it was made to fit someone several inches taller. Nope, no problem for creative-collaborator photo-stylist Rainbow, who just hitches the waistband up to her armpits. And tops it off with Dead Granny’s clapped-out Orlon turtleneck. So Retro, so Fashion. So Donkey.

        • Ugh. She looks terrible in that turtleneck and skirt combo. Did she put in her chicken cutlets? It just makes it worse. I don’t understand how she could look in the mirror and not see how awful that outfit is. I wish she would dress for her shape; there’s no reason she has to constantly look as awful as she does.

          The angle the photo is taken of her at the front door, I thought the bow on the wreath was actually a bow she was wearing in her hair and I had an audible intake of breath.

          • I also keep thinking that is something on her head. The result of an indifferent (or exhausted) photographer? Oh yes, you look great in front of the wreath… next pic… yawn…

        • Even with teeny boobs like hers, Coobies clearly do not offer enough support if her boobs are hanging so low after more than a year+ of wearing them (even with that waistband jacked up so high, boobs are still low in relation to shoulders).

          • Mine aren’t that much bigger than hers, I’m also 5 yrs older and have had two kids, but mine are higher and perkier-looking because of this new invention called a push-up bra. (Or just try any bra other than a fucking coobie.) Droopy boobs age you more than wearing your grandmother’s clothes.

          • “Droopy boobs age you more than wearing your grandmother’s clothes.” Words.To.Live.By.

            To be fair it does appear she’s doubled up on the chicken cutlets… which may explain some of the ‘boobs on the waistband’ droop.

            Let it unfold!

          • If matronly, pendulous, greasy granny yanks is what she was going for, well, thith ith succeth!

    • She’s not wearing it because it’s FASHUN and OMGEXPENSIVE, she’s wearing it because it’s her Christmas Costume. Every event in her life is just an excuse to put on another costume. Why would Christmas be any different?

    • A while ago, and as a catlady observed above, it looks like a zit. But more disturbing, in the background of that picture, there seems to be a sculpture of two ET-like creatures wearing Britt and Donkey’s striped mob-caps from a Christmas Past. Robin, if that’s your work, I advise you to stick to two-dimensional.

  6. I think Robin is a very pretty lady, but her new haircut and color are not what I would have chosen.

    As to Julie’s 1974 Sears Wish Book cover poses, I have no words. No words but “what” and “fuck”.

    No evidence of Nehi in the fauxtos?

      • Considering that Britt’s family thinks so little of his wife and their grandchild that they don’t even get their own stockings hung on the fireplace…what, only Original Recipe Baughers are worthy of stockings?

        Am I being unreasonable? Is my family weird? Because, even before my s-i-l became a legally permanent part of the family, my mom got her her own stocking, and my niece has had a stocking since the first Christmas she was alive, even though she was a newborn. To me it seems incredibly exclusive to not have a Christmas stocking for your daughter-in-law, let alone your grandson!

        • Britt’s in-laws live very close by (perhaps also in Wilmette?) so I’m sure Ali gets stocking time with her folks (who, I’ll bet, have a stocking for Britt).

          Agree that the illusion of the original nuclear family is a strange one to keep up when there’s a grandchild and daughter-in-law.

          • I’m sure you’re right about Ali’s own family, but I agree with Cupcake. I have a stocking at my in-laws’ house and always have. My son-in-law has one here, and so will my grandbaby. Maybe it’s because there are no original recipe Handbags? It’s all a blended mess over here, but it’s an inclusive mess.

          • My cat-friend is Julia’s age, and I’ve been with him for three years post-divorce. His mom always puts stockings on the mantle, and this year they added stockings for me and my kids. That’s how you do Christmas right, you obnoxious WASPs.

        • In the previous thread, on an old xmas fauxto, there are stockings w/ Peter & Robin’s names — these bigger, uglier stockings w/ no apparent names probably *are* for Allie, babeh, Britt & D0nk. If I had to guess.

          Hey! Maybe Donk brought her own mongrammed hoofie cover so that her guest could have a stocking? Heh, sure.

        • It’s odd to me. Especially since Baby Brother and wife dated since high school and was pictured at many family events before they married. It’s not like Brit just showed up with some stranger one year and they’re not used to having her around yet.

    • You are right about the color (too flat, could use some silver streaks.) But I like the cut. And her glasses (I guess since I have the exact same style.) It’s funny: the whole family is pleasant looking, not stunning or anything, but appealing, attractive…but that one member, in her quest to become stunning has made herself so unpleasant and so unappealing and so unattractive (and not just physically.) It’s kind of tragic. In a small way.

      • I def think the cut could work with a less harsh contrast in color. Stark cut plus stark color are not kind to most people.

      • That style of bob cut is pretty dated (I had it in the mid-90s) and I think it looks like a helmet-head on her, almost like a wig. She also needs some dimensional coloring and not go so dark. At her age, men and women who go all very dark to cover gray can start looking strange and fake. Gray is so in right now, too, it is too bad she didn’t try embracing what she has to work with as a starting point. Robin is a pretty lady, as someone else said, I don’t think this look does her any favors.

    • “Julie’s 1974 Sears Wish Book cover poses” is perfection. I can hear them playing John Denver, The Carpenters, and Helen Reddy in these pictures. A very strange time warp for a 35 year old to be stuck in, so dowdy and ugh. Fashun exthpert!

    • My first instinct is that Robin was wearing a wig, and I defaulted to, “oh my god, she’s had cancer.” When my own mother had had chemo, her wig looked just like that. I guess it’s just something that occurs to me.

      That said…

      1) I feel gross even speculating about this.
      2) If Robin were really sick, truly Julia would have been spending more time in Chicago recently, right?

  7. Wait! There IS a toddler in the present- opening picture, but he’s perfectly camouflaged with Petey because: matching jammies. It’s pretty funny how much he blends in.

    • The Littlest Wallflower. I honestly didn’t see that toddler when I put up the fauxto because I try to stay from posting shots of Julia with someone’s child(ren).

    • What could possibly be so funny? She’s jobless, homeless, friendless, soulless, etc.

    • I know, right?
      Does this complete Ty’s downfall or did that heinous woman order a hit? And will Lah Lee’s fb password be revealed as “Awwmee”?

      • What? Did so etching else happen with Ty that I missed? Lady I read he took a leave of absence from work.

        And WHO is the marijuana smoking lurker?
        Moroccanwear, you have me truly hooked and on the edge of my Cheetos dusted and cat fur covered chair!

        • I can’t figure out the marijuana thing either, and I tried to go back and find the mentions and can’t seem to locate them. Did Stefan make his millions with Colorado Gold?
          Is Renata (stupid hippy hippie) skulking around trying to steal Robert?

          What? Is happening?

          The confusion gives me my grain.

        • Oh! Cari went to Burning Man. Cari must be a pothead. I went back and read.

          (Yes, Morrocan, when you suddenly see your google links and ‘mythreeangles: pot’ comes up, you will know it was me. <3)

        • omg! Maybe Ty has cancer. Poor Ty. I knew LahLee should have made more effort to hang out with him.

          He must be hanging around her house trying to figure out how to tell her the tragic news.

        • It might be that, as part of his life crisis, Ty blames Lah Lee for everything that has gone wrong lately. He was busted for smoking pot by his school, wasn’t he? So he could have snapped at last.
          My other theory is that Cari decided a while ago that Lah Lee had to go and ordered one of her druggie contacts to do it – still haven’t figured out whether she’s really been volunteering in drug counseling or whatever that was, or if it’s been court mandated sessions. Either way, girl has connections.

    • Lah Lee is a beast, but she’s a smart beast. If I’m not updated soon I’m going to riot.

      • Ahhh! Can we not talk about DA?!! The final season starts next Sunday (for those of us in the U.S. who have not seen it by other means already and have been waiting with bated breath for a year and conscientiously been trying to avoid all spoilers…)

    • I really wish someone would do rebloggingmythreeangles. They would have to accuse her of lying about her life and photoshopping every photo.

    • Where’s the sister-in-law? Why the erasure? It’s worrisome! I don’t want Julia to be confronted with a broken family!

  8. Did anyone else notice (sorry for those not on FB) that she was giving that kid a look of disdain? Such a loving Auntie. She’s worried he’s going to cut into her inheritance, I’d imagine.

    • JFA’ing tell me she’s not thinking, “You little shit, you better get a job next year because you’re not cutting into my allowance.”
      (no kid face)
      http://imgur.com/8VcueoP

      • I am 51 and I would be horrified by a picture where I looked that old and haggard. Sleep, Julie! Sunscreen, Julie! Look into them!

  9. JC Penney catalog circa 1988.

    And I post this as someone who posed in a JC Penney catalog circa 1988.

    • When I first started dating my husband I was managing a nightclub and he was getting his MFA several states away. I sent him a headshot from a hair band that I had received, with his face replacing all of the band members. In response he sent me a photo shoot with him posing as if he was a Sears catalog underwear model.

      I locked that down!

      • I think I love you guys.

        (Although, and no offense, I will not be seeking out your permission to “hold space” with your hubs during a painfully long conversation on the topic. Sorry.)

      • JFAing to say that when I was dating my husband, also during a brief period in which we were living several states away from one another, he had an issue with chipmunks terrorizing his home. He regularly woke up to a chipmunk or two chilling on their hindquarters at the foot of his bed who only scurried away after several seconds of an uncomfortable stare-down. Same chipmunks would regularly deposit acorns in his shoes and slippers overnight, with many painful results for poor future hubs. And he serially had acorns rolling off of his bedspread when he untucked himself from bed in the mornings.

        Future husband started leaving increasingly aggressive traps and, the day he finally, brutally, nailed the bastard offenders, he took bloody photos and cheerily sent them to my phone. With the subject heading, “We won!”

        At the time I was away on a long trial, which he knew, and the same day he sent that text, we had won the trial, which he also knew. So before opening up the pics by myself, I showed the text to a group of my coworkers and then opened up the photos in front of them all (expecting to see some congratulatory photo, or a thumbs up from him, or something). But no, it was a photo my boyfriend holding up a bloody, dead chipmunk. Everyone was horrified, most of all me.

        I locked that down?

  10. lots of canklehausen to go around. and yet, I have to say it’s refreshing that she willingly posted the Other Side of her face. feels like it wasn’t so long ago that seeing her “bad side” was akin to a unicorn sighting.

    still, she doesn’t look natural or happy.

    it’s super weird there are only four stockings above the fire. I hope there are other, actually personalized, stockings elsewhere in the minimansion.

  11. Yes, Burra, point to a random object with your name embroidered on it. If you didn’t show us that your name was there we would have never noticed.

    Also: new “hand pose”?

    • It’s a really awful skirt, but considering that Donkey is too poor to buy a new Christmas costume, she might have salvaged this a bit by getting it hemmed to a more flattering knee length, removing the awful belt, and perhaps leaving the turtleneck untucked and sans cutlets. Wear the hair down, with no bow. Less makeup. No silly earrings (those are really too fussy to wear with a turtleneck anyway.)

  12. Who on earth posts that many photos of themselves on Christmas? God, she must be the most annoying person to be around when she’s at home.

    • Who on earth posts that many photos of themselves on Christmas? God, she must be the most annoying person to be around when she’s at home.

      Fixed it for you. ::winky face::

      • Especially with an adorable toddler running around in plaid pjs. He’s so cute! I would be taking pics of him if he were my nephew.

  13. The chandelier-style earrings Donkey is wearing? I have the same ones. They are good vintage costume jewelry, can’t remember the brand, too lazy to dig them out.

  14. Hey does anyone here watch or maybe work on the show “Hotwives of Orlando”? It’s a funny parody show of the Housewives franchise. Anyway, I was watching it last night and one of the characters was wearing one of my favorite Julia outfits: sheer black top with huge maternity bra underneath and then pleated accordion long black skirt. Julia wore it for Pancakes New Years Eve.

    It was Donk’s outfit fail to a tee. So good that I suspect a catlady works on the show. Any insight?

  15. In the hippie headband pic – what in the hell is going on in the background? There is a creepy “sculpture” of 2 kids hugging I think – what is on their heads? Looks like underwear draped over the heads? Also, she looks so nervous in those pics.

  16. I posted this at least a year ago when I could recall my screen name but Julie is the reason I stopped with the Botox. Nevahhhh again!

    • And JFA but since it is the holidays the one (and only) nice thing I have commented about Ms. Albertson is her earrings are lovely. Jesus H. I am d.o.n.e. I need some pancakes.

  17. Donkey will never, ever recover from the delusion that she is a tall, willowy model, will she?

    Honey, you’ve got to dress for your body type, even if your body type is proto-foie gras.

      • This is proven without a doubt by fauxtoes above with nose ring and lots and lots of pancake makeup.
        and mascara, etc.
        no, you are no longer a college sophomore .

    • I recently discovered (via arm chair psychology) that my BIL is NPD. And this is just one more examle of something I read, go “yeah that sounds about right”, and then cross check on the Donkey for confirmation.

      “This” being that those with NPD may not be conventionally attractive, and may even fully realize that others don’t find them attractive in a conventional way, but they still believe that they are the GOLD STANDARD of physical perfection, nevertheless.

      It’s such a strange thing – being so insecure that you can’t function without a massive coverup, but also somehow believing the cover you’ve created.

      It’s like having Stockholm syndrome with yourself or something.

  18. JFC. I went to my parent’s house for Christmas and I think I took two photos. And none of them were of people. Am I a horrible person?

    • Only if at least 100 PAID fans in the ‘stans didn’t give a thumbs up on those photos.

    • Right? The older I get, the fewer photos I have of myself. I want to remember the things around me, not the way I looked.

  19. First photo with long flowing skirt= Hostess at some cheesy Ponderosa

    (Where is that? In the Lakeside Facility). (Does Ponderosa resto still exist?)

    • Her Wilmette Village tag links to City Hall.
      ALL her Craymas fauxtos are tagged Wilmette Village.

      Dumb D0nkey is dumb.

      • To be fair, this is a tactic that a lot of people use on IG to be able to tag a location with their hometown but not have it disclose the location of their home. I do this in SF and just tag photos with the neighborhood so that it’s not giving away where I actually live.

  20. OT: Ali Shanti is manically posting about MONEY on FB, desperately hoping that some sucker will sign up for her New Year’s Eve scam session. She also sent out her “love letter,” which contains more come-ons to join her this Thursday evening and a threat:

    “You can expect to hear a lot more from me in 2016 (and in the years to come) that I’ve been holding in because, frankly, I was afraid.

    I’m done with that.

    I’m ready to speak out, stop playing the game the way it’s always been played and take the arrows in the back that often come when we are pioneering something new.”

    Blah, blah, blah. You and your scams are so courageous, Ali! You truly are The Raunch Money Goddess!

      • last $33 dollars after las vegas binge and desperate?

        millionaire woo with pity still hitting that apre ski in colorado?

        the mom as a pacifier?

      • She wonders why she can’t get anyone to sign up for this, it’s because she never tells you what you will get and why it is worth the investment. She has no concept of selling benefits backed with features that resonates in a meaningful way.

    • We don’t have anyone on here with inside knowledge. If you just go by his FB page, it’s the same overload of videos of him lecturing people in the Love Revolution and assorted other woo crap. The comments are fawning. The normal people in his life don’t comment any more. He posts a lot of photos with the kids now, since he’s apparently allowed to see them.

      • Poor kids. I have known a couple of people whose parents had similar mental health crises, and their childhoods were just terrible.

    • I miss his variety of inswainity, too. But there is nothing specific out there. It’s just his manic postings as a wannabe cult leader.

          • No but just for fun you can go to Ash Ruiz’s FB page and see a lovely video of, yet again, woo dress up fun (w/ Mental Dental’s ex-wife) the rest of us unenlightened human beings don’t get to experience.

            Someone really needs to make a documentary about all of these “life coach frauds”. It’s amazing how so many people can believe they are so “deep”, “thpecial”, “enlightened” – yet somehow they are all EXACTLY. THE. SAME.

  21. Secret cat lady alert! In Julia’s photo of Julia fawning over her brother’s baby next to the Christmas tree, captioned “I love this little person so much,” Bryan Franklin writes, “you mean the one kneeling by the tree?”

    Touche’, Bryan. Yet unfortunately you are just like the rest of ’em, because you were the leader of the pack of woo collaborators with the Rapist Rabbi.

  22. I think someone named Bryan Franklin threw Donks some shade on the picture she posted of her kneeling by the tree while her nephew stands next to her. The caption is “I love this little person so much” (never reads here but someone just called her out for never posting about how she loves her nephew). Anyway, BF commented, “You mean the one kneeling by the tree?”

    Lol.

      • Bryan Franklin was also the one who commented on Donkey’s pic of her in the unicorn onesie riding the wooden horse at Burning Man about a unicorn riding a mule riding a horse or something like that. Secret cat lady, or just openly disdainful of Julia?

        • Bryan is I LOVE YOU RAIN!’s new best friend (look at Bryan’s FB to see the bromance happening).

          • Though he just co-wrote a book with Smellsberg and he and his wife have done time on Shanti’s van futon – BLEECH! – Franklin often leaves caustic comments on Julie and Ali’s FB posts. I initially thought he was a cat peep.

  23. That’s a nice chandelier hanging over the dining room table (minus the star ornaments); Mid Century, Italian. I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day…

    • Via Nutty Granny Moneybags’s estate, I’d wager. She had some pretty things. Probably spinning in her grave to see them consigned to the Lakeside Assisted Living Facility (as Robin cackles with glee.)

    • [REDACTED]’s mom, I’ve been reading this blog awhile (about 2010 or so) and have checked out your tumblr. I admire your style and knowledge of these finds and restoration.

      And to all the other commenters, whoever may be reading this, thanks for so much entertainment over the years. I look forward to the smart comments on all sorts of subjects.

  24. my little brain downstairs thinks she actually looks all right sitting in front of fireplace in the ribbed turtleneck, causing my mind to wander in places it should not go

    problem is, that skirt is the same type that was worn by my mom and aunts during the early 70’s, which serves to immediately throw cold water on little brain and slingshot my mind back to reality

    • I was a teenager in the ’70s and these bias cut wool tartan maxi skirts were a “thing” in the junior department. I had one like Donkey’s, without the belt. But high-waisted was also the fashion then for a little while. I never liked the look, being short-waisted. It wasn’t for everybody.

      • immediately makes me think of the super-8 film footage my dad took at family events back then with all the women wearing them

        and the men had bad-ass side burns as well!

  25. But for real, how many fucking Christmas costumes does this basic bitch have? I think I counted five. I know I’m a curmudgeon but isn’t that a bit excessive?!?

  26. Her new ‘post holiday slump’ photo demonstrates she’s not only a fan girl but a desperate one at that. I cannot imagine asking my elderly parents to part take in a staged Fauxtoshoot like that and not expect the visit to end in a 5150.

  27. JA posted a pic on FB of her rock climbing in what appears to be a Christmas costume-green pants and a red top. Doesn’t she realize that her toddler inspired outfits are man-repelling?!

  28. I still think that there will be a new legging-wearing housemate in Santytown at some time in the near future

    no longer a matter of if, but a matter of when

    soon you will see the casinos in vegas posting odds

    • Doubtful. She won’t leave California. She’d sooner move in with Jess Johnson and that crew than with Shanti.

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