Julia Allison’s Epically Gross Scheme Juices

donkey woo

Just non-stop crowdsourcing & shilling on Donkey’s FB page. And for crap. Literally.

My friend Jules Cazedessus has launched a epic new product designed especially for women — Venus Matters makes gorgeous, waterproof and washable mats to prevents stains or wet-spots on the the sheets. Venus Mats are great for new mothers, women on their periods or anyone in need of extra support during an especially … delicious … experience. wink emoticon

Pre-sale ends in just four days!

Decorative absorbent, waterproof & washable mats to prevent stains or wet-spots in bed. | Crowdfunding is a democratic way to support the fundraising needs of your community. Make a contribution today! INDIEGOGO.COM

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/venus-matters

240 COMMENTS

  1. Who wants to go give blood with me!? And who knows … where to do this? (I guess I could just … google it.)

    YES, YOU CAN JUST GOOGLE IT YOU DUMB PIECE OF SHIT!

    • Hahaha!

      I am having an especially shit day, was crying etc so came to RBD to cheer me up. You guys always make me laugh and today I am especially thank puff for that. Also, grossed out!

      I second the request for nachos. Can I have an extra large Percocet margherita as well?

        • When I say over and over and over for the next few weeks, I will definitely mean Thank Puff. That phrase is great!!

          • Like Julia, I speak for everyone when I say, “Yes. And yes.” I’m writing a book about Puff, it will be released when my Dad pays a publisher. It’s mostly a collection of my Facebook status updates, but they will make you feel. Deeply.

      • ‘Can I have an extra large Percocet margherita as well?’

        Shhhhhh…there, there. Lie down here on the couch.

        *covers Nosferatu-tu with blankie. pours double percocet margarita, on the rocks + sugar rim (it’s all about the sugar rim! learned this from my gays in Palm Springs.) sets down plate of nachos on coffee table. turns on tv and starts up Star Wars (Episode IV: A New Hope, of course.)

        • Ahhhh, thank you, Dr Gary! I just woke up from my lovely Percocet induced sleep. The blankie was so soft and there’s nothing quite like the reassuring sounds of A New Hope (of course) playing softly. But, I had super weird dreams of C3PO and R2D2 sugar rimming some Jedi Jewels while Magi Fozzie was in chains in Princss Leia’s slave costume.

          Thank puff for Dr Gary and all of the basement.

  2. Many of you know my feelings about this idiot’s abuse of the word delicious. Am I correctly understanding that she just used the word delicious in a post about what sounds like potty training sheets for grownups.

  3. I guess this comes in handy if you never do your laundry. Or don’t have access to towels, pads, tampons, or basic hygiene supplies.

    IOW: Is this product really necessary for anyone except invalids or lazy idiots?

    • There is a wealth of products for incontinent adults. I guess this is for SEXXXXXAY overflow times, made pretty with flowers, because oh god why

    • dudebrah overheard the video as I watched and gave me the do-I-even-want-to-know? look. “Flowery pad for the wet spot,” I informed him. “That’s called a towel,” he replies. A minute later he says, “You’re sure this isn’t a joke?” I turned it to show him the toiling peasants (shout out to Julia’s legs?) and he just left the room. As he paused for a delicious and juicy kiss goodbye just now, I whispered, “I’m sorry I brought the curse into our bed.”

  4. Is the Venus Mat just for women?

    We believe a man can win all kinds of points by providing a woman a Venus Mat to sleep on when she’s on her cycle (it’s a major upgrade to keeping a box of tampons in your bathroom). Thanks, evolved men, for not being squeamish about a part of life that women have to deal with every month.

    as someone who does need, uh, extra support during those ‘delicious’ times julia is referencing, I can say with 100% certainty that, if I showed up at my boyfriend’s house and he showed me the venus mat he bought just for me, I’d be totally self-conscious about ever allowing myself to feel so ‘delicious’ with him ever again, afraid he felt I was ruining his furniture, afraid he thought I was such a freak that towels weren’t enough to handle things.

    this thing is ridiculous. no, let’s not just use towels during periods or sexytimes, which can be washed and discreetly put away when they’re not in use. instead, let’s buy some ridiculous circular waterproof mat with a pretty cover, ostensibly so it can be left out on the bed for everyone to see, like the slip-n-slide of throw pillows.

    • Don’t forget that other women have used it, like a communal yoga mat, because he is SUCH a delicious fuckin’ stud. EUUUUWWH.

      • “Hi, I thought you might bleed all over my bed, so here’s an absorbent bath mat the last three women I fucked also bled on.”

        This sounds like something Patrick Bateman uses to protect his 400-thread count sheets from what’s left of the hooker.

    • Once I moved to a different country to live with my then boyfriend. When I got off the plane, he told me that he had wanted to pick me up in full clown makeup and costume, as a delightful surprise, but hadn’t had enough time to execute this plan. It was then that I knew I’d made a terrible mistake. The relationship chugged along for months as we tried to make it work. Not a day went by that I didn’t think of the clown plan and shudder in disgust.

      That is how revolting it would be to be presented with a sex/bold tarp by a new boyfriend. It is full-clown-airport-greeting bad.

      • A friend went on a date with a famous comedian, and as soon as dinner was over he squired her back to the Red Room connected to his bedroom, over which he liked to preside in full clown makeup. She ran like a Jelly Doughnut.

      • I almost had a choke related incident; coffee cup poised and ready to dump in my maw and very glad I didn’t.
        This is hysterical.

  5. Hold on honey, I gotta spread my biggo female leak pad down before we go any further.. you grab that side… there we go.. make sure we stay perfectly centered in this floral circle of shame, these sheets ain’t gonna wash themselves.

  6. I am actually laughing out loud the more I think about this. I cannot believe this is real and not a SNL sketch.

  7. I love how it’s a circle so unless the woman sleeps alone in the center of the bed, she’ll be sleeping on a seam, or I suppose it can be folded under or maybe the woman can climb inside like she is trapped in a large fabric taco. I know what I most wanted when I was pregnant was to be more uncomfortable while trying to sleep.

  8. ‘or anyone in need of extra support during an especially … delicious … experience. wink emoticon’

    There isn’t enough Cankleshausen ointment in the world…

  9. PERK
    $120 USD
    Fix Your Period + Venus Mat
    Change Perk
    If you’re bothered by cramps or other PMS symptoms or just want your sex-drive back, let women’s health expert Nicole Jardim show you how to go from being hormonally out of whack to back on track with her 28-day Fix Your Period Kickstart E-Course (normally $147). Get immediate access to safe, clinically proven tools to significantly improve your hormonal health and menstrual cycle plus a medium Venus Mat. (Please add $40 tracked shipping outside the USA/Canada.)

    0 claimed
    Estimated delivery: July 2015

      • PERK
        $98 USD
        Venusian Love & Better Sex
        Change Perk
        Venus Matters to help women take better care of themselves and find and keep true love. Chose your favorite medium Venus Mat *and* get immediate access to a six-week tele-course: “More Love & Better Sex” with Annie Lalla, the Cartographer of Love. In this packed course (valued at $275) you’ll learn how to connect deeper with your intuition, excavate and express your needs & desires, and collaborate on true love. We are so grateful for this wonderful addition to Venus Matters!

        2 claimed
        Estimated delivery: July 2015

    • So woman positive. “fix” your period indeed. For the low low price of whatever you are willing to pay, we’ll give you a solution for something that women have been dealing with forever

  10. This product is so great and timely for her, now that she’s “almost ready…soon” — the gorgeous brown wookie-fur bedding at the comfy & delightful Marina abode can be preserved in perpetuity, across the universe, unbesmirched by Donkey leakages. AirBnB guests can rejoice.

  11. “We believe a man can win all kinds of points by providing his lady a Venus mat…” has a very Smellsbergian tone. Is he picking up random scratch providing the odd panegyric to fellow woos?

  12. FFS Julia, you’re 35 years old. You can say “have sex” or “fuck.”

    Personally I’d get a Liberator Throe. Sheet sized and very washable. And I have no affiliate codes to shill with!

  13. Unrelated: Why are we not discussing Julia’s “publicly asking the epic Elizabeth Gilbert if she would like to attend in my (Burning Man) camp this year”?! Because this seems like a new level of derangement that I am delighted by.

  14. I want you all to know that I am high on cough syrup and just cut my own hair (can you tell Mr. Quirky is away on business?) and seeing this makes me feel like I am the best, sanest, wisest decision-maker EVER.

    • One rule I impose on myself: do not trim bangs after wine. I constantly break the rule (because after wine is when I have the gumption to take action on something that’s been bugging me for weeks), and consequently my bangs are often imprecise. Then when I eventually do go to my regular hair person, she says “What’s going on here? *I* didn’t cut these last, did I?” Now that I think about it, and having had wine, I think tonight’s the night for a trim.

    • I once had a post it note on my mirror that said “don’t put on eyeliner or cut your bangs stoned” Unlike donks, that was the only motivational poster I had. And I turned out fine.

  15. Christ I cannot take how unaware she is of life that goes on around outside her stupid fucking woo circle. There are a group of women 70,000 who could benefit for this product who wetting the bed is the least of their *sexy* problems as the mesh they’ve had implanted not only increased bladder leak in some cases it also has perforated their vaginas and rips their husbands penises during intercourse. These women have lost bodily function, the ability to work and in some cases the will to live as they wait for their trials against the device makers. They don’t have $95 (as no one in their right might should pay that for this product). Why doesn’t useless Donkey who does nothing all day long do a fundraiser & donate these products instead of pimping and hiding behind the “democratic” way. Think of others Donkey and pimping for your friends so they’ll do something for you in exchange is not thinking of others. And if she and this half-wit crackpot “brand” this product to injured women who don’t have a dime well then daddy sure should be proud of his little spawn;)

      • I’m sorry to be such an angry downer (because this tread is truly hilarious) but WOW and she can’t figure out why no one will date her, create a sex circle of sweat and semen with her, and why happiness alludes it at every turn-mystery is solved for the rest of us-will she ever catch up?

      • I had one of those after giving birth to a Buick who is now 22 years old..and i have no sphincter muscles either. Will this help with anal leakage?

        • There was a new (when I was in the industry about 4 years ago) stapler that a few doctors were trying for that procedure-I’ll see if I can find you more information. Sorry you’re dealing with this.

          • I was at Newton Wellesley when it happened and the surgeons say that it’s a 50/50 chance it can be fixed but if outcome is bad then it’s a colostomy bag..but hey my hus cat had cancer free scans after stage 4 colon cancer and a year of terror so I’m one of the lucky ones.

  16. I guess Julie Albertson is not planning on needing one of these mats for any “delicious experiences” anytime soon, because she isn’t on the list of donors. LaLaLa and LaPhlegm donated a month ago, but no Julie. I guess this quick Facebook blurb will have to do. Maybe these things will be big as big a hit in Istanbul as the Coobies were with her purchased fans-in-the-‘Stans??

  17. The testimonial, ugh:

    “The Venus Mat is just what I’ve been looking for! I use it for diaper-free time with my 5-month-old, then throw it in the wash and use it for after-hours lovemaking sessions with my husband. It folds up and is easy to travel with, plus it’s beautiful –instant atmosphere, anywhere. From playtime at the park to playtime in the bedroom, I use it every day. It’s perfectly designed and delivered.”

    • “Atmosphere”?

      “Let’s fuck on this thing the kid shat all over this morning!”

      “You’ve got me rock hard. Want to see?”

      • “You’ve got me rock hard. May I show you?” gets a lot of use in the Pelts household. Never in the context Smellsberg suggested.

    • Famous last words of a family annihilated by a viscious recombinant strain of chlamydia and giardina.

    • OMG. Gross! This has been one of the most shower-vomming days in all of RBD history.

      Also, is ‘diaper-free time’ really a *thing* for babies? Because ewwwww.

    • Ugh, I just got home from work and am having a very late night dinner, and I literally just gagged on my cold slice of pizza. I may never eat again.

  18. Watched the video.

    +1 for the lady seeming to be a nice person
    -1 for her dressing as the Zira from “Escape From the Planet of the Apes”
    +1 for the mat being made in the USA (buy local!)
    -1 for the mat being made in the USA (the shame!)
    +1 for the fabric being sustainable
    -1 for the fabric pattern being copies from designs Emily Gould rejected for new tattoos
    +1 for suggesting new moms and women with heavy flow cycles will find it useful
    -1 for suggesting that people with incontinent dying relatives will find it useful
    +1 for donating to women’s reproductive rights
    -1 for showing us a goth bimbo sniffing the mother of all incense sticks

    Giving this product the RRR rating of zero.

  19. Oh my god. How is this real? How is any of this real?! That video. The b&w footage of “burdened” women pulling a plow? “Sexy” underwear chick burning sage before period sex (or whatever she’s into.) I cant formulate words…..

    • I can’t even figure out how to make fun of the video yet. Its pretty akward, has horrible sound, and yes, the archival footage of peasants toiling is bizarre. Then, whammo! A skinny chick in underwear spills wine on her adult rubberized sheet remnant circle while getting ready to have really delicious incense time. She many nachos

  20. Srsly I feel like I should go read about Jordan’s boring Instagram filters to cleanse my brain. So you know it’s serious.

  21. what am I missing here (besides everything)?
    how fuck does it manage to be both waterproof and absorbent?

  22. Can we do a shot for shot parody remake but replace the shame circle with an old towel?

  23. “Not now dear, I have a headache” becomes “Not now dear, the Venus Mat is in the wash.”

    The indiegogo campaign mentions one of the benefits is for menopausal women who have night sweats. So, do you have to crawl up into the foetal position so you don’t sweat on the rest of the bed, or are menopausal night sweats limited to sweating out your hoo-ha and not anywhere else?

  24. Oh boy!! Wait until my next dinner party when I can have all my guests use my bed for their coats and they see that thing!!! Can’t wait to tell them all the lovership details and watch them bolt out the door!!

  25. I just want everyone in RBD to enjoy their Nachos:

    I brought my Venus Cadewhoozis to work today and draped it over my chair because my delicious goddess menses has arrived.

    Thank you!

  26. The combination of gross and hilarious here is hard for me. My reactions are all over the place. I need to feel into it.

  27. I asked my huscat if he was in the mood to make spiritual love to make on an absorbent paisley mat. He was disgusted.

  28. They should do an Ellsberg signature version. Snake print with “MAY I SHOW YOU?” embroidered on it.

  29. I showed a colleague the Indiegogo and he said, “$10,000 for a big wee-wee pad?”

  30. I just cannot with these woos. If you were a real hippie, you’d just make one of these yourself. I made an entire mattress pad with some organic flannel and organic cotton batting– just whipped it up with my sewing machine, and I didn’t give it a cutesy name. There are patterns online to make your own washable cotton mini-pads… OK I know you’re gagging now but my point is, DIY types have been doing this stuff for years, but of course Donks is like “Oh goodie, more stuff I can buy, to show how enlightened I am! I can spend money on products that make me seem cool!”

  31. I can’t wait for Brit to come up with ideas on how to recycle the Venus pad.

    “And today I made this set of 6 dinner napkins using only….”

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