Julia Allison Is Uploading Her Entire Fucking Book to FB

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HOW I FRIEND (Part 1 of an ongoing series)

We (as a society) talk a big game about how love is important, and loving people is paramount – but how do you actually DO IT WELL?? Who is innovating on the PRACTICALITY of love and being an EPIC brother/sister/friend?

I’ve noticed that some of the concepts we most laud in our lives are the ones in which we’ve spent the least time systematizing or analyzing (other than anecdotally). For whatever reason – that I cannot explain – we don’t have a ton of “best practices” when it comes to all things “soft,” emotional or relational. But … um … there ARE best practices – we can actually hack how to connect more deeply & love people better!

I’m not the first one to discover this, of course, but I don’t think it’s present in our consciousness nearly enough. We rely on luck, a good mood, the other person stepping up and being “naturally” adept at friendship … almost everything but deep study and preparation for How To Love Another Well.

Loving people, first and foremost, is about LEARNING them. (Well, okay, hold on, if we’re going to be super picky about this, loving people FIRST requires loving yourself, but let’s just assume that you already know that and you’re on it, either because you intuitively get that you need to put on your own oxygen mask before you help someone else with theirs. Or at least you’re in the process of recognizing that you could be more kind to yourself and upping your self-love care regime, because when you’re filled up and taken care of in the way that only YOU can take care of you, you naturally have more easily accessible and abundant love to give to others.)

So, LEARNING THEM.

I’m not saying you have to do it my way (everyone loves uniquely), but here is the equation that I’ve found works:

Deep Curiosity + Genuine Enthusiasm + Decent Skills at Asking Thoughtful Questions + Listening Compassionately for the Complicated, Beautiful Human Being that Emerges = Learning Someone … which INVARIABLY = Loving Them

It was journalism, ironically, that contributed a great deal to my skillset at being an incredible, next level friend (unfortunately not all journalists apply their brilliance in this manner, LOL). One of my favorite types of reporting is a straight up profile piece – a deep dive into WHO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING IS – how they think, how they feel, what they value, how they view their world. I fall in love with almost every human I profile – because to REALLY know someone is, I believe, to love them.

That desire – to really KNOW someone – beats deep within my soul. This is why small talk just kills me. I am naturally and DEEPLY curious and intensely (almost too intensely!) enthusiastic. These two characteristics – plus the whole getting pretty good at asking questions thing – have taken me a long way in creating loving relationships with friends.

It’s honestly not that hard to bolster these qualities in your own life. I believe MOST human beings – if not all – have a natural curiosity inside of them that was likely stomped on at some point in their childhood. Tap into that.

As for your energy, you know that feeling you get early on in a “we’re falling in love” relationship?? Where you just want to know EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING ABOUT THEM? Yeah. SO that’s how I feel about … a lot of people. You can tap into it too. Your curiosity and energy doesn’t have to be limited to your romantic partner. Sounds so basic and obvious, right? But I see a world in which we just LIMIT that part of ourselves to the very beginning of falling in love with one other human. That’s a crime – to yourself and to everyone with whom you interact …

For the “asking great questions” thing? That’s just practice and yes, you’re allowed to use a cheat sheet. I do!!! I use my iPhone notes religiously around this – I have a document called AWESOME QUESTIONS which I am continually adding to … and then I actually keep separate notes for each of my 5-10 or so best friends, adding questions that I want to ask them the next time we see each other. Yes. I really do that.

I also spend time with each of them getting to know about their bucket lists, their favorite foods, their challenges, and will keep a running record of activities/ideas (beyond conversations) that we could engage in. I will write down books to send them, gifts to get them, or healers to connect them with. I will message them screenshots of something that moved me (a quote or a poem or a written passage) and then follow up with why that is relevant to them and where they’re at right now. I keep track of birthdays and run something called a “Rainbow Birthday Ritual” for my best friends (that’s another post!)

Continually I look for ways to connect with them that are unique and light us both up, expanding their hearts, sense of authenticity, calm, joy, non-judgment and even (especially!) comfort with their shadow. I look for ways in which we are relating that feel tired and bland, and I try to shift those.

Knowing How to Friend is an ongoing, lifelong process. I’m not an expert, just a devoted student. And I would be curious to know, so I can adopt some of your tips and tricks …

How do YOU friend?

… To be continued in Part 2 of HOW I FRIEND (an ongoing series)

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HOW I FRIEND (Part 2 of an ongoing series)

MOST importantly, as I am Learning Someone (so that I can Love Them), I ask FOUR questions.

In fact, as I write these down, I realize … I would love to live in a world in which, upon interacting with any human being, EVERYONE asks and receives the answer to these:

1) What is your Life Mission?
2) What are your Core Values?
3) What are your Communication Preferences?*
4) What fills you up with Love? (Your Care Menu)

Then you can ask yourself: How can I be a support for that? (or if you can’t, LOL, you graciously sneak away)

You can see from the left side of my Facebook page where I grew up, where I live, where I graduated from college, and what I ostensibly do “for work.” What does that even teach you about me, really??? (Something … but NOT. MUCH.) Why are we making it HARD to connect with each other more deeply?? Where is the spot for my Life Mission? My Values? My Communication Preferences?

THAT is what I want to see when I hop over to people’s pages. Show me THAT information, Facebook!!!

* Re: Communication Preferences – this seems silly, perhaps, but it’s HUGE – why do we make it so difficult to figure out how to COMMUNICATE with people?? Just fill out a little form and have it available to everyone (some app developer should do this): Do you prefer text messages? Email? FB missives? Phone calls? In person chats? Can people stop by your house anytime or do you have “visiting hours” (old school!)? Do you need several super short communications or do you love long chatty emails or – gasp – LETTERS – or do you prefer one bullet pointed, numbered list? Do you have feelings about what time of day you want people to contact you or are you unattached? HELP ME COMMUNICATE WITH YOU (which is really just loving you) BETTER!!!!

(PS … Ankur Jain and Arielle Zuckerberg … I think this should be part of Humin!!)

“It was journalism, ironically, that contributed a great deal to my skillset at being an incredible, next level friend (unfortunately not all journalists apply their brilliance in this manner, LOL).” YOU’RE NOT A JOURNALIST AND YOU HAVE NO SKILLSETS!

My word, what a thunder*cunt! Is she really this high on her own fumes that Donkey’s calling the shots re: friendship?  Who thinks (or writes) like this? And what’s your life goal, Julie? To finally get your hands on your father’s money so you don’t have to beg for handouts?

No shout out for Shanti. Parse away. I’m going to dinner with my husband, and I plan on asking him his Core Values, Communication Preferences, and what fills him with love. And the answers best be GILLY, GILLY, GILLY.

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149 COMMENTS

  1. Um, er, ooops, I must be doing all this wrong-sers b/c I know all of this, about each of my friends, w/o doing a deep interrogation-style shooting questions at my friends while holding them hostage, but over time, as we get to know each other, learn to trust each other, go through things together and grow.

    What a weirdo. AM I DOING IT WRONG PEOPLE?????

    • Wait, you don’t grill everyone you meet? Totally doing it wrong.

      I am truly astounded by this screed. I just don’t even know what to say. She must be so sad deep inside.

    • God, has there ever been clearer proof that Julia has not changed one iota? This walking personality disorder really thinks she’s finally going to be the center of the universe through her drug-addled embarrassment of a “book.” She’s still crawling up her own colon with attention whoring antics instead of simply behaving like a functional adult. She does not have the intelligence or depth to notice other adults forming lasting (lasting, Julia) friendships through warm, open, mutual conversation. Nope, she jumps straight to I’VE HACKED FRIENDSHIP! RAINBOW RITUAL THEM AND (ESPECIALLY!) HEE-HAW ABOUT THEIR SHADOW!

      I can’t wait until this persona wears itself out. Every other Julia has been pretty enough, professionally successful enough, or personally smug enough to fuel truly fantastic cuntwitch behavior. Nothing’s fuelling this Julia but molly and BO. There’s nothing left but some boring attorney’s mentally ill daughter who really should have retired to Death Valley with 30 parrots by now.

  2. As someone who has lived in LA for a long time – the easiest way I spot a FAKE, to this day, is by recognizing the kind of person who wants to create false intimacy by asking questions like this.

    • Yes!
      My communication preferences are that no one ever talks to me in the manner Julia described and that no one ever publicly congratulates themselves on the amazing skill set they put to use in friending and thus loving me.

    • I would totally clam up and then try to get away if anyone asked me these questions.

  3. self published

    exhausting

    why would anyone with this level of dysfunction not seek actual help?

  4. “I also spend time with each of them getting to know about their bucket lists, their favorite foods, their challenges, and will keep a running record of activities/ideas (beyond conversations) that we could engage in. I will write down books to send them, gifts to get them, or healers to connect them with. I will message them screenshots of something that moved me (a quote or a poem or a written passage) and then follow up with why that is relevant to them and where they’re at right now.”

    Like…… duh? Isn’t this just regular friendship?

    I think she doesn’t recognize it because she literally has no friends.

    • “then follow up with why that is relevant to them and where they’re at right now”.

      Julia not only knows you better than you, she knows exactly where you are right now. Down to the foot.

        • Albie, I kept thinking that this should be repackaged as a guide to stalking.

          Also, do we have any record of her actual journalistic efforts? How many “profiles” has she written?

          • She used to repurpose press releases of OMGFounderz! for the internationally syndicated So-Shill Studies column.

            Also, she wrote a piece about some matchmaker lady for some freebie Chicago-area mag.

          • None ever ever ever.
            Julia ONE link to a deep dive profile. One.

            Not even her navel gazing bull crap goes anywhere deep ever.

      • Can you imagine FOLLOWING UP to explain the significance of something you texted to a friend? That is like explaining a joke. She is sucking all the authenticity out of her relationships by examining them so closely and being so strangely controlling in trying to show them off to everyone else. What a nutcase.

    • Good Greg, she really is that “friend” who constantly sends you crisp like shitty quotes and then keeps annoying you to reply about a the out-of-context quote she copied off the Internet without giving it one further thought. And, of course, praise her for it. I’d go off the grid if I knew her.

    • This.

      I mean, she is a shitty friend. We know this. L’Affaire Asha-Arrington. OBOing Billow and Paris. Making Dan’s cancer all about her. Throwing Christine Kelly under the bus. Stiffing Justine M.

      • She thinks even her “friend” questions should somehow cause others to praise her vision of the universe even if that is not how sane people would ever choose to have a conversation. Her way is of course better, more meaningful, more enlightened. It is truly bizarre. The whole post reads like she wants to be a friend robot. She just can’t put together how it would happen organically.

      • Don’t forget bullying mare-mare into writing ny resolutions and then calling her a bitch publicly when she didn’t comply.

        • And spreading rumors that Jordan had stolen over $50,000 from NonSociety when she bailed.

      • What is the stiffing Justine M??? I do not recall this. I thought I was well into my donkology thesis.

    • I’d be happy if she could just do a pedestrian imitation of a writer. Hay-zoos Chreestus. “How I friend”? “As I am learning someone”? She doesn’t even give us the courtesy of scare quotes in that last one to let us know she’s in on the joke. I honestly have never completed a single paragraph of hers, because she can never clear a paragraph without several slashes at all manners of style convention. Never mind the general lack of substance to her insights. And the all-caps?!? Guh.

  5. This makes her sound like a sociopath who had to learn how to fake being a human being in society.

  6. What the ever loving fuck. Julia’s entire approach to friendship for her entire life has been choosing targets based on what she can get out of them.

  7. Is it okay if I don’t write one of myRollsShillsforClams versions of this thing? I’m doing my taxes.
    🙁

    • Don’t you mean preparing to make your DONATION to the government? I won’t believe it until you try to sell me used polyester loungewear and ask where you can pawn your Cartier watch. We both know you only own one of those things and it’s not the one you can advertise on the back page of Tie Me Up Tie Me Down Weekly.

      • So it’s true about the Cartier watch bondage circle! Here I just thought the Countess de la Pérouse was talking out her ass again.

  8. Man, Julia Allison is FB-stalking hard & failing hard, no two brays about it!

    I’m theorizing that she has her eye on someone who Le Phlegm knows … someone who lives in SF & probaly uses Equinox gym on Union St around lunchtime (where D0nkey possibly couldn’t get beyond the sales office yesterday because she was wearing only a Coobie bra & boy shorts underwear?) … & as it would never occur to her that a dude isn’t into her, maybe she thought he wasn’t bold enough to ask her out if they’ve not yet talked much (or at all), hence:

    Jena la Flamme March 15 at 10:28pm ·
    “My advice for men,” says Julia Allison, “is don’t ask a girl out on a date. Tell her out on a date. Text her: 8pm. Friday. I’ll pick you up. Don’t be late wink emoticon No build up needed. No option given.”

    Dude wouldn’t take the hint, & now D0nkey is banned from his gym, hence:

    I am Learning Someone (so that I can Love Them)
    * Re: Communication Preferences – this seems silly, perhaps, but it’s HUGE – why do we make it so difficult to figure out how to COMMUNICATE with people?? Just fill out a little form and have it available to everyone (some app developer should do this): Do you prefer text messages? Email? FB missives? Phone calls? In person chats? Can people stop by your house anytime or do you have “visiting hours” (old school!)? Do you need several super short communications or do you love long chatty emails or – gasp – LETTERS – or do you prefer one bullet pointed, numbered list? Do you have feelings about what time of day you want people to contact you or are you unattached? HELP ME COMMUNICATE WITH YOU (which is really just loving you) BETTER!!!!

    I pity the dude when he looks up from his hymnal tomorrow morning to see who the awful singer braying like an ass is, & spots D0nkey flailing her arms waving at him.

    • This guy?

      Julia Allison: Josh Zabar, I was thinking of you when I wrote the communication preferences section!
      1 hr · Like

      ::crickets::

      Kidding! Sort of he does not live in SF, but he does live where D0nk lovingly dumps poor @LillyDog).

      • Good call. Also, “Vegetarians, have you ever considered how plants scream?” Oh fuck off.

  9. I thought that was a pic of Shantitown. Gads, your Donkey is looking older, in an unsunscreened kind of way. I didn’t read the ‘book’ blurb. I fell asleep at “How I Friend”.

  10. Why is this all happening when Momsers is about to visit? It’s all very stuff. Is she panicking and going into manic mode as a result? Does she know an eviction notice soon to be spring on her? Bitch be cray.

  11. That’s it! Let allllll the crazy out before your mom gets here! It’s like, finally, she is over her case of writer’s block and the words, they just flow like butter now! At this rate the book will be done by the Slave Walk! Ride the wave! No one is going to read it anyway. Just turn in that homework and take your check. Publisher, father, who cares? It all spends the same. If anything, this will save your parents a lot of time on the application to commit you. Under “Reasons” they can just staple this.

    Seriously, I haven’t been able to parse much of the last few days. I had no idea I wasn’t loving people properly. I mean, I don’t even think about it at all. I just do it. But my eyes are open now. I haven’t been loving humans the way humans want love.

    I’ll be in the chatroom if anyone wants to discuss. Join here: http://tinyurl.com/rbnscats

    • I’ve been with my mancat for 15 months, but if I were to start “loving” him in this way, I’m pretty sure he’d run away.

      EXPLAINS A LOT, AKSHUALLY.

      • How does your man prefer to communicate? I have been married for 27 years and my husband likes me to tap out morse code on his ass or post emojis on Instagram. I am so glad that Julia has brought this conversation to the mainstream.

    • I tried chat room not sure I did it right or maybe missed it.

  12. I don’t get it. When is Momsers/Mom/Momma going to clip-clop with Heehaw over the GGB against human trafficking? Is that supposed to be in May? So the Easter visit was rescheduled? So confused.

    • Is she staying for a month??? How else is Mom$ers going to walk for all the girls with the braying lunatic?

      Good luck slaving over that pile of steaming doodoo your daughter is calling a book.

    • Playing catch-up and I just saw this post on her FB page.”My momma and I will be walking across the Golden Gate bridge this SATURDAY MAY 9th”

      “THIS” Saturday. I am damn near certain she thinks it’s this weekend.

      IT’S STILL APRIL, MORON! Keep an eye on this. Will she remove it and pretend she never posted it, or will she admit she’s an idiot?

      • She brays as if she’s answering questions from her adoring fans — occupational hazard from having created imaginary readers who “wrote in”, no doubt — she means Q: ‘WHICH Saturday?’ A: ‘THIS, the 9th of May!’

        • Ha! “I didn’t mean this Saturday as in this Saturday, but this Saturday as in that Saturday. A month from now. Duh!”

          She posted that her mom was visiting in April so yeah I suppose there is the possibility that mom is coming at the end of April and will in fact be forced to walk in this thing in May, but I believe that JA is so out of touch from reality that she can skip over an entire month without batting an eye.

  13. So Rebecca Jean originally left a comment on one of her friending posts that was just “hmm..” She has since removed it but Donkey has specifically called her out with “Rebecca Jean, I love you! Thanks for sistering me!”

        • Wonder if Rebecca Jean wrote or said something similiar (and likely better).

          • I looked at her FB … she’s a working fool, from the looks of it, & probably pretty successful … I bet she was throwing shade, cuz she mostly seems the type to never the d0nkey.

          • Oh she must hate the shade when it comes from a non-basement place.

          • She’s given Donkey several recommendations for gyms/workout places in SF. I am not seeing any shade.

  14. This is so insane. And the best part is that she’s making it all up. Not only is it next level batshit, it’s also a huge pack of lies. As if this bitch has spreadsheets on anything but herself.

      • That was exactly the first thing I was reminded of, as well. Pathological Donkey is pathological.

      • The alcohol sips was so crazy. What did she think she was accomplishing with that? So clueless.

        Also, if she is so great at hacking friends, why did she just post four hundred disjointed paragraphs about how no one has time to hang out with her? Crazy fuck.

        Also, someone must have called her out on her false intimacy recently, hence the “I FALL IN LOVE REALLY FAST AND BECOME MAGICAL BEST FRIENDS INSTANTLY OKAY?” shit. That or she is trying to convince all these people who don’t give a shit about her that even though they really barely know her they actually ARE best friends because even if you didn’t know it she has been stalking you okay?

        • Not only is she mentally ill but she has WAY too much time on her hands. Jesus, woman, if you had a paying job and went to work every day you would not be obsessing over these inane, insane concepts. She has nothing else to do but obsess over herself and her “relationships.” Go volunteer somewhere and shut the fuck up.

    • If any part of it was genuine it would explain why everyone runs for their life within a few months of meeting her.

  15. J Cristowhathisname must be an incognito catlady:

    Jon Christofaris It’s not that difficult to be a good friend and a professional success, at the same time. I’m not sure why this Julia Allison person seems to imply that these two traits are mutually exclusive. It reads as if she’s trying to position herself as superior to those who have serious careers.

    • Jon C is most definitely a cat lady (and an American hero). He has taken up Nancy E’s mantle in the great tradition of affably calling out these bullshitters on their bullshit. He clearly reads here even though he’s a bit coy about it on Shantitown’s page.

  16. The world’s a hard and crushing place
    But I’m too smart for that rat race

    Instead I found a special place
    Filled with spaciousness and space

    “Success” writ large across my face
    With time for random DANCE with grace

    It’s called Marina by the Bray
    Infused with my own brand of Cray

    Why can’t the world just stop and be
    Joyfully unemployed like me

    Dadser! Dadser! Can’t you see?
    Not working is what sets you free!

  17. I am working on a form for all of my friends to fill out about their communication preferences.

    It says, “how do you prefer to communicate with me?” And the only answer is, “No contact, please.” Because I know that would be the response from anyone I know if I attempted to ask them such an insane question.

  18. TOO FUCKING LONG, DID NOT READ.

    ALSO SHUT UP DONKEY. She couldn’t take a hint if someone gift wrapped it a Tiffany’s box and called it an engagement ring.

  19. ” we can actually hack how to connect more deeply & love people better!”

    Um, no. You can’t “hack” how to connect more deeply with someone. You can’t speed up a relationship, friendship/romantic/family/any type! God, why does this bitch think there is an easy way to do everything !?! Nothing that is valuable comes easily! A career as a journalist, successful relationships, all take consistent work to achieve!

    Fuck her trying to “speed friend” people, to “get” things from them. If she stopped latching onto people like she’s drowning and they’re a life-preserver she might have a chance of developing a proper, meaningful relationship. And maybe she’ll learn that relationships are a two way street. You have to give, genuinely, of yourself without constantly questioning what you can get out of it, if any relationship has a chance of succeeding.

    • I know, I am so sick of the entire “hack” thing… Jesus — can’t you just be, like, a normal human being (and figure stuff out on your own), without all the crowd sourcing, and buzz words and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. So tiresome.

      Plus, sometimes you just give for the heck of it (friendship, encouragement, whatever) — without always expecting something in return. And posting every bloody thing on the internet. It’s called being an adult.

    • Good point! She “hacks” every relationship and she ends up alone. She cannot allow the the normal due time any friendship or relationship needs to develop and this is why everyone abandons her.

      If she’s truly believing this “hacking” business, than she’s more lost than I suspected.

      • The more time she spends with a friend or “boy,” the faster they see the real ego monster, and soon flee. Spending a lot of time with other people never works out for her.

        • True dat. That’s why she needs shortcuts to intimacy, never realizing that that’s not intimacy.

  20. can you imagine meeting someone at a party and striking up a conversation only for her to pull out her phone, open a list and say “if you could only bring three things to a desert island, what would they be?”

    Let me learn you

    • “Mm, hm, all good choices. Now, tell me the first and last items on your Bucket List?”

  21. I still want to know if when Cailleach De Weingart-Ryan and Chesley J. Manley have childrens, are they going to call them “De Weingart-Ryan-Manley”? “De Weingart-Ryan von und zu Manley”?

  22. That book is so dead (despite her claims otherwise)-and wouldn’t an editor or publisher (since she has one) want to look at (hack apart) what she was posting if it were part of a book? It makes her look truthful for the first time in her life and by that I mean batshit unhinged and desperate for love. She has no skillsets (funny we posted that here just a few days ago) and journalism isn’t a skillset it’s a job while writing is a skillset (although again not in her case) AND she has absolutely nothing to teach anyone. Princess Trying-Too- Hard (also her American Indian name when she takes up alcoholism), your desperation is palatable through that tome of terror. Honey- fix that-your fear is leaking out faster than you can drain your parent’s bank accounts.

    • co-sign. she wrote this crap and had nowhere to place it so she dumped it on her FB. this was clearly trying to be book material

    • seriously, that book is dead as a doornail. her book proposal was submitted in september 2013. 19 months ago! and now she’s saying that it’s coming out ‘sometime next year,’ so we’re talking anywhere from nine to 21 months from now. 28 months, at a minimum, from proposal to publication!

      I’m no writer, but I’m pretty sure the only author who could get away with more than a two+ year lead time on a book is j.k. rowling, and that’s because she basically prints money.

      it boggles my mind that she posts this stuff on facebook with no shame, knowing she has friends who are published authors and who know the drill. it’s obvious the book is dead, but she expects that no one will be rude enough to outright say to her “your book is shelved, stop lying.” and, sadly, she is right…she’s gotten this far in life without anyone ever questioning her narrative, and she will continue to skate by without anyone ever challenging her outright.

      • AND that a published author asked her on her FB page and she flippantly said sometime next year (like that would fly).

      • Yeah — she seems pretty loose (and vague) about the whole thing — in today’s pub environment (challenging), all the writers I know who have book deals are BANGING their books out. I just can’t fathom how she has an actual book in all of this. Plus, her writing “style” (ahem) makes me want to put a gun to my head.

        • Oh, god. The disembodied ellipses … The hyphens masquerading poorly as dashes – The way she can’t say something without rephrasing it, restating it, reiterating it three ways. The way she can’t figure out how to bring the reader’s attention to a phrase without Capitalizing What She Thinks Are The Important Words.

          THIS IS (WRITING) SUCCESS!!!

  23. I watched Grey Gardens (original) tonight because you all mentioned it so highly. It was very difficult to get through. I do see a lot of similarities with Julia and the daughter. I don’t have a lot more to add right now, I’m still trying to scrub the sound of two old women screeching at each other from my eardrums. Why was this movie “ground-breaking” or famous at all? I get that maybe people were interested in Jackie O’s family for some reason but the camerawork is godawful. All the director did was point it at them and let them babble incoherently for hours. I don’t understand why he was lauded for it. Anyone could have stood there and recorded it.

    And the singing.. oh god.. I want to die.

    “I do love Mother. I do hope she doesn’t die..”

    • It’s a movie about squalor and delusion, thus not everyone’s cup of tea. And it was really the first tightly focused documentary portrait of non-famous people*, which is why it’s been such a big deal over the years.

      *There were certainly films like Men of Aran and Nanook of the North, but they were more broadly anthropological in purpose.

    • This was before reality shows and people seldom got a look behind the curtain of crazy like this now we just call it Tuesday on Bravo.

    • I actually can’t watch it. Just makes me really sad… and sick to my stomach. Lee Bouvier was dating Peter Beard, and looking around for a career (but she was a great beauty, and her sister was a former First Lady, so she could kind of hang out looking for a career, unlike JA). She and Beard were going to make a film about her Aunts… but then somehow the Maysles got involved.

      I remember Maysles talking about the stench of the place (all the cats, and dead raccoons), and how they had to wear flea collars around their ankles so they wouldn’t get fleas. The town kept trying to evict the Bouviers, and her brother Beale Bouvier (lived in Glen Cove Long Island, member of Piping Rock, etc) was tired of the shenanigans and refused to help saying: “fine — evict them.”

      The newspapers found out (of course), and JKO got involved. I believe Onassis paid to fix the roof and fix it up a bit. You may know this, but Ben and (the insufferable) Sallee Bradlee bought it and took it down to the studs and fixed it up. She said when it rains, you can still smell the cats.

      Funny story — Mom Bouvier died and was buried in East Hampton. The daughter had had a fight w mom, and is buried in the Locust Valley Cemetery, next to her brother Bouvier. It is a actually very pretty. I have actually gone and cleaned her headstone for the heck of it.

      OT — in her day, Edith Bouvier Beale (Little Edie) was a great beauty, known as “The Body” around the Maidstone (etc). It’s too bad she didn’t marry someone who could give her stability and a proper home, etc, but I guess she would have been bored out of her mind. (Some of the names she talks about — who wanted to marry her — Geddes, Phipps, Baker, Guest are old Long Island polo playing families.) What struck me was in spite of her nuttiness, she was still this kind of beauty, the profile and the hair… and the voice was total JKO. But she was like a thoroughbred, almost this beauty in spite of the nuttiness and delusion.

      Jackie always had this fear that she would end up kind of batty like her Aunt Edie. (Sorry for the history lecture!)

  24. I had forgotten about Ellsberg until I noticed his name in the tags. He is writing his “new book” on Facebook, so Julie is once again unoriginal.

  25. She seems to have opened up or targeted these posts to a wider audience. She is roping in a few friends of her mom’s and an old high school acquaintance. Goes to the ‘buttering up Momsers before her visit’ theory.

  26. This was definitely the book. This, THIS, is what she submitted to her editor. Can you imagine the reaction? What about your proposal? What about the things you were going to do?? What is this???

    • Reaction: What is this shit? This isn’t April first, you fools. Get me the real manuscript, god knows I’ve been waiting long enough. … No really, where is this Allison girl’s manuscript? So help me Crystal, if you don’t get this shit off my desk and the legit ‘script in my hand, you’ll be writing a bitter roman a clef about your time working in tbe publishing industry in between working shifts at Denny’s! Enough of this first grader bullshit, where’s my fucking happiness tome?! This fuckwittery is killing my soul. Was it written by a monkey?

    • Editor: Ms. Allison, I’ve been reviewing your work and, well, quite frankly, it stinks.

      Julia: Well, I mean I’ll work harder, nights, weekends… Whatever it takes.

      Editor: No, no, I don’t think that’s going to, uh, do it. This transcript you turned in, it’s almost as if you have no writing or sociology training at all. I don’t know what this is supposed to be?

      Julia: Well, I… Im just trying to get ahead.

      Editor: Well, I’m sorry, there’s just no way we can keep you on.

      Julia: I dont even really work here!

      Editor: That’s what makes this so difficult…

      (Apologies to The Jerry Seinfeld Show)

  27. You know what you would be a great idea for a startup?

    A friends-on-demand service.

    Need a friend? Install the app on your phone and just answer a few questions and.. voila! A friend delivered to your door within minutes.

    Are you moving? Do you need a friend with a van? Just tap the “large utility vehicle” option of the questionnaire.

    Did you bf dump you? Do you need a shoulder to cry on? We can deliver to you in less than an hour, or your friend is free.

    Do you like to cook but have no friends? We’ll assemble a dinner party of up to 32 friends and we’ll deliver them to your door. And if you can’t cook, don’t worry: through our exclusive partnership with seamless.com, we match you with a local restaurant that delivers the food BEFORE the friends arrive 😉

    Do you need to relax after a hard day of googling yourself? We can deliver friends that can talk to you while you drink & get high with them. Don’t forget to fill in the “Preferred Intoxication Method” in our simple questionnaire.

    Friends on demand is the wave of the future, and the future is NOW.

    For more details, contact Julia Allison at WhatAStupidDonkey@FriendsonDemand.com.

    • There actually was a “dial a friend” service a few years back. Don’t know if it’s still around. I remember reading about it. You could hire a friend by the hour (no it wasn’t a prostitution service it was for reals)

    • Brilliant! Will I be able to select genius friends such as yourself,
      is there an “Ivy Leaguers only” box to tick on the questionnaire?

  28. can we talk about what a lazy POS she is? rather than engage in a single “experiment”, she’s just handing in declarations of how to be happy–certainly not based on any personal experience that worked. #foreveralone

    it’s not even “this worked for me, this might work for you to be happy.” it’s “everyone should act like I want to make me happy.”

  29. ION, drECK is pining for his lost friend, InSwain, who has
    coincidentally gone dark (jail or another 5150, I wonder?)

    • It’s kind of creepy. Swain gave him a phone and has now taken it away. Elliot had the rug pulled out from him and is back to busking on the street. Of course he misses Crazy Swain…he was living off of him.

      • I was so strongly tempted to comment using my actual FB name and say, no, Elliott, don’t go back! I guess it was a moment of Eastertide quasi spirituality. But it passed.

        Still hope he gets over the split and goes on to…well, I have no idea. My heart went out to him when he confessed yesterday he was stricken by passersby’s rejection and inattention when he drifted around Pearl St. singing quietly, softly without standing in one place. He broke the busker paradigm and did not get rewarded for it. Sadz.

  30. Is “Everything I Need to Know I learned in Kindergarden” really the only self-help book she’s never read?

  31. OMG, the Haters-gonna-hate passage in Colson Whitehead’s article in the NYT Sunday mag could addressed directly to Julia Allison Bouger: “Classify your antagonists as haters…and your flaws are absolved by their greater sin of envy…To do otherwise [than examine your own contribution] would be acknowledge your own monstrosity.” It’s a good article. How I would love to mark up the whole thing with glitter-pen “fuck yeahs” and forward to A Donkey.

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