Let’s Make Fun of Randi Zuckerberg



Teeth McGee, mother and fortuitous co-spawn, has a new book out, something about navigating a complex world fraught with iPhones and Candy Crush or something. Anyhoo, Valleywag pointed out today that Randi is a god damn idiot. Why? Because she’s a god damn idiot.

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Professional sibling Randi Zuckerberg usually only appears in the dim lower strata of our digital consciousness when she’s fucked something up: maybe it’s a canceled Bravo reality series, or aprivacy gaffe. And yet, she was paid to write two books. Here’s the only part that matters.

I’m not sure which of the two titles this finale is from (one of the books is for children, and the other one is for more stupid children), but that’s neither here nor there: not only is Mark Zuckerberg’s useless sister a published author, she had to use a cloud of hashtags to hit her word count requirement. For more Zuckerberg content, head straight to Zuckerberg Media, the premiere destination for all things Zuckerberg.



      • It never ceases to amaze me how AWFUL she looks in all the pictures.

        JESUS, Rando, get a stlylist for Greg’s sake! You certainly can afford it!

      • her nose looks frighteningly, abnormally long in this photo. while the gaping maw is not a good look for anyone, it’s an especially awful look for this one. ugh.

      • Looks like she’s taken some tips from the Julia Allison School of Looking Stupid in Fauxtos.

        • Looks like the Ugly Zuckling bested Mulia Mallison in one *ahem* “arena”
          Yep, equine tail extensions are a real thang.

          • …I work very hard when leaving the house to make sure my natural fro (see: natural curls) look a lot smoother and shinier than that. If THAT’S what I got when I bought extensions, I’d be pissed.

  1. This actually made me cringe harder than anything Julia Allison has ever done. Well done, Randi.

  2. “rando zuckerberg in conversation with arianna huffington” this Thursday in NYC, for those looking for something to never do.

  3. Ha. I have never before commented on a Valleywag article and I commented on this one well before coming here to see this. Love that.

  4. What’s worse than being Randi Zuckerberg?

    Being one of the losers grasping at her coattails — she has surrounded herself with some real desperadoes. Julia is only one of a gaggle.

  5. ot: dc-area cats, can you recommend a mover? super-local move, staying within the same town in montgomery county, 749 sf apartment so not a ton of stuff.

    • In case nobody answers, maybe you can ask your doorman or super? They’d know who’s reputable.

    • I’ll ask a colleague who recently moved in D.C. Also holy crap that someone here lives in my county.

    • I used All Star Movers a few years ago for a local move, and they were pretty good. Have also heard good things about Two Guys and a Truck!

    • Beltway Movers moved a one bedroom apartment’s worth of stuff for me from Anne Arundel county into D.C. very efficiently without breaking anything, so that counts as a success in my book. I don’t know how competitive they are price-wise but I liked the people I worked with there.

  6. This twit is such a lame duck I almost feel sorry for making fun of her. Remove Brit Morin’s 7 million plus and the little witch could probably weasel herself into some tantamount position of financial authority. Snap the genetic tightrope Random Zuckerberg walks and she plummets down to the depths of stay-at-home 2.5 kids and a biannual cruise to Club Med mediocrity from whence she came.

    • My brother and his wife just took off on a cruise that they have not been able to shut up about since the last time they went on the cruise. After hearing about it ad nauseum, I asked them if anything of interest happens in their lives between cruises, and they had the audacity to be offended.

        • Haha floating Denny’s, I’d not heard that one before. It was like Groundhog Day for me. I originally laughed that they put the day of the week on the elevator floor, but by day two I thought I was there four and it became less funny and more tragic. Never again.

        • Cruises are for people who have no sense of adventure or imagination. I pointed this out to my sister-in-law, and again, she had the audacity to be offended.

          • They’re even worse than people who go to an all inclusive resort in Mexico or Jamaica and think they’ve experienced the country.

          • I know when ever he talked about the islands they made port in, I asked him if he met any black people.

          • I hate when people pick up on the dig when you’re standing right there. I prefer it hit them a good twenty minutes later, and twenty miles apart. But at least you got the see her face of gaul, so that had to be pretty satisfying. My ex husband loved cruises. One of the many happy things that came with the end of that marriage, never to cruise again. Recently departed ex boyfriend was also insulted at my lack of love of the friendly seas. I’m thinking of handing out a questionnaire prior to first date-if they are a yes to cruise, I will just cancel. It’s the most loving things for both parties.

        • I agree — and I was completely COMPED (I gave a lecture) so it was a complete freebie. I loved the water (although it was a little scarey being out IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN! Yikes! I have to be honest — I actually got sick of all the food — it is served 24/7 — lunch, snacks, lunch, pizza, tea, snack time, dinner, supper, food service, etc etc etc etc. After a while, I just wanted to have a hard boiled egg for a meal and call it a day.

        • I’m sorry guys, I must be the lone cat of dissent on this one because it hits close to home. I’ve been cruising since I was 18 months old and I love it. It’s allowed me to see the world and places I might never have seen otherwise. (And yes, I’ve seen places beyond the uber-sanitized and over-commercialized Caribbean and gone back to visit these places on land trips. I think of cruising as a sampler for places I’d like to visit, not the be all and end all of travel.)

          Does it have its flaws? Absolutely – limited exposure to the ports (“hit and run” tourism) is one, as is the overemphasis on food and the high percentage of slackjaw, ugly American type tourists it attracts. But there are a lot of merits too, like being completely disconnected from the world and meeting new people. Cruising’s not for everyone, but what is, honestly?

          • “Cruising’s not for everyone, but what is, honestly?”

            Um… the boundless love of Jesus Christ. Tacos.

        • I HATE cruises. Brother in law loves them. Said he’s “been all over Central America” when I met him. I just got back from Honduras on a job with a large NGO and asked him what took him all over. “Cruises, seen all the beaches and awesome shops”.

          Cruises are nothing but food, booze and pools. You know what has that? LAND.

      • Once a cruise ship’s morgue gets filled (and it sometimes does, because most cruisers are elderly) the bodies go in the freezer with the food.

    • I can think of few things I wanna do LESS than going on a cruise (and yes I”m from LI and everyone from there is cheesy so I’ve been hearing about various family members’ cruises for years). Something I’d like to do less…let’s see…maybe, sucking on a bag of baby dicks? Not sure though.

  7. Given that this post is about an author (!), I just wanted to say thank you to RBD. I’d been sitting on an idea about a book for a while, and after Julia’s book proposal actually got her a book deal, I kind of cracked (“even SHE can finish a proposal!”) and finished my proposal + sample chapter. Just got a deal from a publisher. Would probably have still been procrastinating were it not for RBD’s motivational powers. I heart you guys.

  8. And now I’m sure Jules is wondering if she can pull the same schtick in her book and just hashtag the shit out of it.

    she’s probably also mad she didn’t do this first.

  9. Please don’t pad your word count with unrelated hashtags.

    It is a matter of basic human decency.

    • It saves the simps who “click” the paper with their finger and wonder “Why didn’t a window of related items pop-up?” a bit of embarrassment.

  10. This ‘woman’ seriously brings zero to to the table. She’s smug, self-entitled, bothered by philanthropic requests and thinks we’ll learn from her errors in judgment. She’s still friends with la donk-I mean really? And no, I’ve never drunk karaoked at a work event, and I didn’t someone to ‘tell’ me that, I figured that all on my own (at 20). The ONLY reason she got a book deal is because she worked for her brother (yes, I know she’s smhart), but she can offer no valid advice about the workplace. She is the Goop of the tech world, at best. She has money, bought a husband and baby and still is not ‘happy.’ She and JA should caravan together across the cuntry, any luck they’ll slowly kill each on the quest for happiness.

    • Well, you’ve just accurately summarized why she and Donkey are still friends. Both have that “born at third base and think they hit a triple” sense of arrogance and entitlement.

        • Actually, that’s an old saying, not something I came up with myself. But I thought it quite appropriate for Donkey and Random.

    • I haven’t heard the term “bleeding edge” since everyone was learning how *kewl* Flash was.

    • Sorry to harvard peeps…but I have to say that 1) this girl makes me feel like my OMG IVY education might actually be meaningless and 2) any harvard person i’ve ever met has been a dullard and a square.

      This chick is ugly and useless. Wow, she went to harvard. Almost no one has gone to harvard. And she has been at the forefront cusp of media whatevers…and how dare anyone assume it’s because her brother started FB. Oh didn’t he later fire her ass?

      Go use your piles of money to start a nonprofit, or volunteer somewhere, or I don’t know, get a real job because you don’t need the money anyway so you can like, teach or something without worrying about how you will afford rent? What a cunt.

  11. Makes sense why they are friends. They have the same “off” sense of humor that puzzles people in that special, uncomfortable way – like it could almost be funny, but it’s too off and borderline racist/stupid/vapid/insulting/condescending etc. that it falls flat and everyone sort of shifts their weight from side to side waiting for the awkward silence to be filled.

    • I believe that’s called lack of self-awareness. And agree they both get gold stars in that area.

  12. Why isn’t Julia hyping Rhonda Country Club’s books to her 200,000 book-loving Twitter followers in Asia?

  13. YES! I’ve been wanting to parse this bitch, and Julia is so boring these days. Another one I’d love to see show up here is that idiot Sarah Lacy. She’s had a hell of a year making mobster-like threats to venue owners, hating on unions and union workers and poo-pooing women on executive boards.

    • Lacy and I fought on Twitter a few weeks back. As soon as I threw a coherent argument about why she sucks titties, she backed off.

      • me too! she blocked me, and tweeted something stupid like “if you don’t like me, don’t read me…here i’ll help you by blocking you.”

        i’m like, bitch i can STILL read your bullshit, you just can’t read mine.

        dumb twat.

      • That’s some funny stuff, I wish I could post a screenshot of it here. The pandering to her investors comment gave me an idea for a new tech news site/cite/sight, “PanderDaily.com” 🙂

    • She had a baby, you know. A woman in tech who had a baby. SO BRAVE.

      Is her Daily Panda thing still around?

      • Actually, as a man, the whole idea of growing a human inside you and then squeezing it out a painfully small orifice like that scares the shit out of me.. That might be kinda brave. Women are much tougher than men.

    • Does she still have the same awful mom hairdo? Does she still do something that I don’t know what it is because I can’t be bothered to give a rat’s ass? She might be even worse than JA, honestly.

  14. so much awesome from which to choose


    • She’s just asking for Buffalo Bill to throw her down a hole with a bottle of lotion.

    • Whoa is that her? Wow. Her publicity photos are shopped to high heaven. She’s so homely. I always think of her as Mark Zuckerberg with long hair, they have the same face…and it creeps me out. Is everyone in their family a complete social retard? I don’t know who is more awkward, brother zuck or this wench. At least he doesn’t try to be relevant and amusing and obviously realizes he is terrible in public and stays out of the media spotlight, blessing us all.

      God they are a heinous namesake.

        • OMG what a delusional cunt in that article. Never has a such a talentless entitled asshole think they were truly deserving of whatever stupid position in society they grovel in. She couldn’t shut her big fat mouth and just DO HER JOB. She had to be a special princess. She claims she created so much value at FB, but she clearly rode her brother’s coattails and tried to get away with shit her superiors did not want her to be doing. Wow. Hard to believe she is even more unlikable then her asperger’s addled brother.

          hate her.

    • I’m not even trying to be mean, but when I saw that for the first time yesterday, I actually thought it was a linebacker in drag. Seriously, she and JA lack any self-awareness. And I LOVE the facial expression of the lady off to the left. My thought bubble for her says “Ahh too bad Mark didn’t spring for auto tune, now we all know she’s 100 % talentless.”

    • I can’t imagine much worse than having to endure and act like you like her “performing” because she’s your boss and the CEO’s sister.
      #welcometoHell #backfat

  15. She did not just throw in lyrics to a toto song. She did not. She has the same god-awful musical taste as JA. What happened to her broadway ambitions? She was such a lovely crooner…

    Also, this: Jesus christ this chick is fucking frightening.


        • She seriously looks like she is trying to ape a psychotic person. Like is she joking?? No, she is not, because she makes faces like this is most photos. She has no idea how scarily unattractive and grating everything about herself is. Face for radio honey. Don’t feel sorry for you, you have buckets of money, get bent and go away.

          • She has more than just buckets of money.

            She has has the voice of an angel and writes lyrics with a wit that rivals Oscar Wilde.

          • She has the gleaming rictus of Tom Cruise: I’m smiling!!! I’m smiling!!! Look at me, smiling!!! I’m happy, godammit! Hahaha…. (runs amok)

      • It’s like Brit’s much uglier and even less talented aunt who lives in a pink sequined Ugg boot.

  16. Oh. my. god. Being a rich useless twat certainly has its disadvantages, as in the fawning asskissers around you never bothered to tell you you had no talent.

    I’m waiting for one of those old-timey hooks to come from offstage and pull her away by the neck. I want it to be like Showtime at the Apollo and for her to get booed off and then that vaudevillian clown comes and sweeps her ass offstage.


  17. Did I miss it or did someone already mention this?
    Our Donkey is back. She’s back. Cryptic tweet meant to imply something so wonderful is going on for her. Like our old Donkey.

    Julia Allison ‏@JuliaAllison 7 Nov
    Mmmmmm … YES! YES YES YES!!! (to life)

    • Donkey-speak for:

      – “I just got LAID!”
      – “Still in the process of getting laid. Wanna see me fake one for Derpin?”
      – “Yes yes yes yes, oooooh Jack–I MEAN, WAIT”
      – “FREE DINNER! SOMEONE RECOGNIZED ME! Said they felt sorry for me, but STILL FREE! YES!”

      • Or something is really pissing her off right now and she’s just pretending she’s happier than ever. The fans in the ‘Stans aren’t happy unless she’s on twitter telling them how great she is.

  18. I know it’s been discussed but I just got my VF and read the MA article. I would never have know who he was if it wasn’t for this page. Jules has got to be so miffed that she, was not even a tiny line, in the 4 page article. Since she is such the champion of women- you know, re-telling a story that was not her’s, in the first place to tell, followed by denial to the reporter. None of these idiots are very admirable people, but Julia is a fraud and coward.
    I suspect the possible threat of being sued over all of this is why La Donk was radio silent over the summer. Daddy threaten to cut her off unless she clamped the yap?

    • You know it’s weird, we are getting a modicum of traffic from that article and I can’t see why. There is no link to us in the comments or anything as far as I can tell.

      • Strange, maybe people are googling MA+gawker and everyone’s favorite feminist pops up. There is not one likeable person in that bunch (I mean, who do you root for in that story?). And,outside of that very self-important bubble, I’m betting much of the VF readers found the article to be incomplete and did a little homework. You should put a warning/disclaimer: Site highly addictive.

    • It would explain her recent reemergence on twitter pretending that she’s in love with life or whatever.

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