If Donkey Had Really Been Punched In The Face …

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injecthis

From our beloved and ineffable angry hater, Documentary Series:

8pm “Just when everything falls into place, something happens that makes you wonder if the universe is heartless after all”

8:01pm “Does anyone in the L.A. area have a friend or relative in law enforcement who is available to respond immediately to an emergency?”

8:02pm “Turns out Seeing Stars after a head injury is not just an expression!!!!!”

8:03 “Has anyone read the book ‘When Bad Things Happen to Good People?’ Does it give answers?!”

8:04 (Photo of freshly punched face, fauxtoshopped to enhance swelling and slim jawline)

8:06 “Does anyone know of a startup in the LA area that sends a vehicle of medical professionals to accident scenes, gives first aid and then transports injured people to hospitals!??”

8:07 “@aplusk “here is your next startup investment idea. You’re welcome!!!
“Does anyone know of a startup in the LA area that sends a vehicle of medical professionals to accident scenes, gives first aid and then transports injured people to hospitals!??”

8:10 (photo of the backs of passerbys, walking away, one looking over shoulder, confused)

8:11 “I find it odd that ANYONE would IGNORE a person CLEARLY having an EMERGENCY on a sidewalk!!!!!! Um, hello?! KARMA!??”

8:12 (Photo of “pained” expression, hand covering injured part of face)

8:15 “Literally surrounded by EMTs, yet have never felt more alone”

8:17 (photos of EMTs)

8:20 “Would it be wrong if I noticed one of my first responders is totally hot AND SINGLE) LOL, yes, I asked!!!!”

8:21 “@bravotv, @ELLE, @NBC “Heads up, bunnies! I may have to cancel tomorrow’s meetings!!!! Am so psyched for new top secret ten-pronged project!!!”

8:22 “Please ignore my last tweet, everyone!!!! I am a bit dizzy from an injury and meant to send that privately. And OMG have NEVER cancelled meetings before!!!! #can’tanswerquestionsaboutnewproject ”

8:26 (photos of Julia on stretcher in ambulance, trying to look wan and fragile. One EMT caught mid eye roll)

8:31 “How is there not an app for checking into a hospital??!! UM, its 2013, has no one thought of this!??”

8:40″@PeaceYoga “Don’t think I’ll be making 6am four–hour class I reserved!! I know, OMG I NEVER MISS IT! So sad!!”

8:47 (photos of hospital interior, self awkwardly leaning toward an inactive IV pole to appear hooked up to it, though clearly not)

8:51 “@NYTimes will respond to your request for personal essay on happiness as soon as I get out of here!! ”

9:01 “Thank you so much to all my amazing friends who are calling and texting SO MUCH love, I am SO BLESSED”

9:13 “@Oprah I find it shocking that men are still punching women!!! Let’s discuss this”

9:15 “@AdrienChen I m willing to be interviewed about my recent devastating assault, to help all the girls. Women who are assaulted have the moral RESPONSIBILITY to be interviewed by the media as much as possible!!!!

9:26 “@blueprintcleanse Do you guys deliver to hospitals?!! #emergency”

9:35 “@sunshinebakery Do you guys deliver cupcakes to hospital?!! #emergency”

9:44 “Um, ok WOW. A newly married ex-boyfriend just LITERALLY called the hospital to see if I’m ok!! So sweet!!!

9:51 (photo of self in hospital gown, with skirt lift)

10:01 “@GoodMorningAmerica Yes, I am available for interview tomorrow a.m. Not sure when I will be released. Can you send crew here!??”

1:30am Facebook update: “Works at writing a book about surviving violence as a woman”

2:23am Bio updated:

“Julia Allison is a journalist, survivor of violence and sought after television spokesperson for anti-violence stuff, entrepreneur, public speaker, social media addict, relationship expert. Formerly a nationally syndicated technology & social media columnist, she is currently a contributor at ELLE.com.”

3:33am Facebook post:
“‘…the Family Medical Leave Act (FLMA) protects full-time employees from losing their job due to PTSD… The loss of employment due to emotional outbursts or a general inability to function is just the beginning.”–ptsdtreatmenthelp.com

But what about freelancers, entrepreneurs, and other women with braver, less traditional career paths? Why is no one talking about this??!”

3:35am @Obama ‘Full-time employment is a dead concept. How will you change the family leave act to help women with PTSD, who have upleveled their lifepaths and work the new paradigm?”

3:38am @Obama “Haha Exactly! If I had accepted that job as your speechwriter, maybe I wouldn’t have to ask that question!! How about covering me under White House insurance?!! ;) ”

4am “Any photographers, makeup artists, hair stylists in the LA area want an AMAZING opportunity to create a art that will STOP violence against women?! ”

4:02am @randomPhotog “Well, it’s not ‘for’ a particular magazine but my last photoshoot ended up on a magazine cover in Australia!! :) ”

4:03am @randomMakeupArtist “Um, obviously HELPING WOMEN should be payment enough for all of us!!!! Except me.”

(Over 60 photos from shoot will appear on Facebook within 48 hours of the alleged assault. Julia, dressed in outfits including hospital gown, pink footy pajamas, a wedding dress, and a pair of Juicy Couture sweatpants with the word VICTIM glitter-penned onto the ass poses:
-Being carried high in the air by the many hands of All the Girls
-Leaping in air, mouth open, in front of a women’s shelter, the location of which had been secret until this shoot. Women arriving at shelter appear, clearly identifiable and frightened in background.
-Curled in fetal ball, clutching teddy bear.
-Wide-leg stance, in front of ER entrance, blocking incoming stretcher

2:30pm “Sometimes, after something terrible happens, no matter how many ex-fiances send you roses, the one person you really want to talk to is….your momsers!!! AWW”

3:01pm “People who say things like ‘this too shall pass’ will never EVER understand what it’s like to be LITERALLY assaulted. ”

3:03pm “Family means offering MORE $upport, not LESS, when a bad thing happens through no fault of the person’s own, RIGHT?!!??”

97 COMMENTS

  1. We can all play. C’mon let’s all play! It’s fun and a little bit too easy. We could do this around the clock, just like Julia would if it had really happened!

    Facebook update: “What are amazing changes that beautiful women you know have gone through after surviving a trauma? Working on my book proposal for my authentic vulnerable memoir about my personal story of survival, reinvention, and justification for every lazy shitty thing I’ve ever done.”

      • We could basically write her book for her in about three days by just passing it around and writing in her voice. It would be so hilariously bad.

          • I’ll provide the dedication!

            To Mom…no, wait, Dad…no, wait, Mom…no, wait, Dad…no, fuck them both, the little dog…oops, forget that, um…my new little dog…

        • Can we please do this. I’m nearly finished with exams and this would be do much fun. !!

        • If you actually wrote a book in that voice as a satirical novel, it would make MILLIONS. Not even joking.

          Bret Easton Ellis tried this with “Story of my Life”, which was supposedly based on Rielle Hunter, but he hates women too much to really get the voice down. Since you don’t hate ALL women and also have such inroads into the cray psyche of a donkey, this could seriously be the moneymaker that keeps RBD in business, the basement decorated in the latest OMGstyle, and the catladies in popcorn and pizza for life!

          • Also I am sure you would have a lot of help right here if you ever hit writer’s block.

      • How dare you? I am not random. I have a desk, errands, things in the queue. I Works at Writing a book.

    • 4:01pm @MBUSA “If unable to drive for an indefinite time due to an injury through NO FAULT of my own, I am still expected to make lease payments? I find this odd. Um, where is your customer service ethic?!! #against violencetome’

      4:06pm “Driving down 101, rocking out to @kanyewest !! 🙂 ‘I am undoubtedly, you know, Steve of Internet, downtown, fashion, culture. Period.’ Um… when’s your cover of Wired? ;)”

      • I want to try!

        4:10 pm “Assault and battery make for deliciously epic brunch-time stories. 😉 But I still think we need to have a national conversation about the death penalty for sugar.”

        • 6pm: “There is an epidemic of ignoring women in this society!! Recently I tried to start a CONVERSATION in the (gawker) media about assault against All the Girls, and I was SHUT OUT and JUDGED by a woman I considered a sister. I could have changed EVERYTHING, but I was silenced and ignored!! And now, one more precious, precious, precious woman (me!) has been assaulted. I hope everyone has learned a lesson from this!!!!!

          • 1 minute past never: I went on a job interview with a resume. Homeless dude must have knocked something loose, like a work ethic.

        • 4:12 “Met an older, distinguished-looking gentleman… and don’t worry, he made the first move!” 😉

    • 6:21 pm “There is a special place in hell for women who don’t frantically tweet about their attacks @Rihanna @Nigella_Lawson #radical_feminist”

  2. I have an OT question regarding the pic above, does one tend to wear full on spackle when getting Botox or anything like that?

      • I love your Aunt! I wore a padded bra on my post op from open heart surgery. The resident was hot, and in my defense I was 18.

    • One tends to find that their aesthetician or doctor would clean one’s face with alcohol-soaked gauze before penetrating the skin with a needle.

      If the “professional” performing the procedure had bought into the cotton-candy dream that becoming known for sculpting the face of Julia Allison would bring fame and riches, well then who knows what he would tend to do.

      Doesn’t matter anyway. Despite what you see above, Julia never got injections. She was only treated for “bad acne.”Relax! This happened years ago, nobody cares!

    • Yes, a lot of women come in wearing their regular make-up because they’re coming from work or wherever. If the doctor is only injecting a small area of the face, sometimes he will only remove (or have the patient remove) the make-up in that area of the face. The doctor will then sterilize the area with alcohol right before injecting.

    • I try to leave the smooth trowel finish for dates and not the plastic surgeon. Donkey gets confused and thinks she’s always on a date.

  3. The “startup” is calling 911 and fucking asking for an ambulance. Good luck paying for that without insurance. And “friends or relatives in law enforcement” are the godam police who can be reached easily at the same number (and probs faster to respond in DTLA than Baltimore). I suspect Julia and Debbie are acting out amphetamined-up dueling Bob Benson on eachother. Julia plays such ugly cards

  4. The picture in this post winces me, & it’s not even due to my needle phobia …
    The Symmetrical Nostrils, they freak me the fuck out!

    (D0nkey, you ARE thick-skinned; don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise)

    • It’s truly a wonder how she hasn’t become America’s Mini-Oprah when she dreamt up such ground-breaking, paradigm-shifting fare as this.

    • Oy. When Julia Allison sloshes her poor dog’s brain around like that, my stomach turns … heaven help any small child ever in her care …

      • Yeah my hope is that she can carry on with this ridiculous charade of a life until well after the menopause sets in. That way she won’t bring a helpless child into her NPD-riddled existence. I wouldn’t wish a mother like her on anyone; being raised by a borderline personality is no fucking joke.

        • Let’s all pray she doesn’t attempt to pop out an anchor baby in the promised land of some hapless labradoodle of an OMGfounder or anything. I wouldn’t put condom sabotage past her.

    • Their abuse of NY first responders still makes me want to punch them in their mutant faces.

  5. This has to be one of the funniest RBD posts of all time. As I read it I felt something similar to….no, could it really be affection?? For Julia?? Yes, a little bit. I mean, she is SO CONSISTENT. It is hilarious to be able to predict her behavior and mannerisms with such specificity. And this really is how it would go down if she got punched in the face!

    Okay, no. The word is familiarity not affection. As in the familiarity that breeds contempt.

    • Strangely, when others have posted fan-fiction style posts or comments, I often find myself thinking, yep reads like Julia, but why do we need this when the “real” churns out so much deliciously hate-able entertainment on her own?

      But then I discovered the weird pleasure of just running JA’s ugly algorithm* and letting my fingers type.

      (*NPD+passive-aggressive vengeance+tacky cliched taste in pop culture+name dropping+entitlement)

      • It’s oddly cathartic isn’t it? When I’m in the right mood/frame of mind, it just flows.

      • DocSeries, this was absolutely brilliant!
        Also, wouldn’t “JA’s ugly algorithm” make a great user name?!

  6. Cannot let this post go without acknowledging the PAIN (c wut I did thar?) it took to extract the donkey-only parts of this blah-cumentary, but I’m glad this quality screengrab came from it. Repetition of question from another thread: didn’t she skip out on the screening for this? Or was it the “We Live in Public” thing? Or was it both?

    • Page Six:

      “INTERNET fame-whore Julia Allison is no feminist, and at the ripe old age of 27, she’s familiar with many forms of plastic surgery. The blogger was a last-minute no-show at the Lincoln Center premiere of the HBO documentary “Youth Knows No Pain,” but her wrinkles and laugh lines were on full display. Allison, who’s had her nose reduced and her breasts enlarged, and her ex-pal Mary Rambin are shown in the film being injected with Botox. “As a woman, I know I have an expiration date,” Allison declares. The doc, due on HBO in August, also fea tures Linda Wells and Simon Doonan.”

      http://www.nypost.com/p/pagesix/item_0bSN27uvWug0i6bwkdN2YI;jsessionid=DE9CED432A5814276D8646B86D345B82

        • Ohhh, that Richard Johnson was one vengeful SOB at Page Six. A good-looking man about town, you did not cross him or you’d get written up nastily there. It was his own personal fiefdom, and while it was entertaining, he eventually went to far, iirc. I wonder what julia did to irk him.

      • [Julia] Allison, who’s had her nose reduced and her breasts enlarged, and had her ex-pal Mary Rambin excised

        #FTFY #Frenemyectomy FTW

      • I don’t think she’s had a boob job. If she’s not wearing a push up bra, her boobs are pretty small and saggy. Mary on the other hand…

        • I agree. The recent bikini pics would indicate no boob job. It’s really easy to spot fake boobs, especially cheap ones.

          • I never remember her name (gf of geo ruiz?) seemed to think there was evidence of a boob job …

            [img]http://i39.tinypic.com/mm8mkp.png[/img]

            Makes me wonder if D0nkey had implants explanted …

        • wouldn’t she have been braying to the post for a retraction or correction if this wasn’t true? not sure if it was just pushups but her boobs did seem a lot bigger back in the day. i just say.

    • All those nose jobs on the cheap by plastic surgeons not skilled in thick-skinned rhinoplasty, & especially the last tip reduction, have left Snooty D0nkey looking snooty.

      Too bad, so sad; couldn’t have happened to a cuntier cunt.

  7. OT QUESTION: Any cat ladies / gents here work for Facebook (or have a FB contact who’s in a position to be effective)? Someone I know of is in dire need of opening her missing daughter’s FB acct that she (mom) has been blocked from (daughter is quite possibly in the company of a bad player & doesn’t know it) … CAN ANYONE HELP?

  8. This is unbelievably dead on. I mean, we all get the Donkey and many of us have, at one time or another, crafted a mock tweet or post by her. But this, this is fantastic. You hit the nail on the head with tone, substance, cadence, all of it.

    I stand and applaud.

  9. OT: juliar’s handsome fav from gtown, Peter Alexander, has been hosting on MSNBC this weeks while Chuck Todd travels wi the president. He’s good. Haha, yet another classmate who has put their overpriced education to good use, instead of squandering it chasing lazy fame.

    • I hate that I know this but her GTown love is Alexander Marquardt from ABC News, not Peter Alexander from NBC. He never went to Georgetown and, to my knowledge, has nevered the donkey.

    • I am certain she must have slugged Derwood at some point due to his desire to flee, maybe even while they were still in Europe — that may even be why she fled to SF as soon as they got home. The slugging and her absence only served to strengthen his resolve, and so now she’s made this up to suggest it’s NO BIG DEAL if someone punches you in the face.

      Only a theory, of course. But all very familiar to the column at the end of The Glorious Pancakes Era about how it was NO BIG DEAL to snoop into your boyfriend’s phone and email in response to a fake question from someone who does not exist. This time, fake punch from a homeless person who does not exist.

      She lacks imagination.

      • Absolutely.

        She’s so transparent they might as well call her Julia ‘SaranWrap’ Allison.

      • Just realized we have yet to consider the most obvious explanation. It’s even on the Impending Break-Up Bingo card I made the other day…

        Everyone knows it is utterly unlike Julia to casually mention something like this. Even more unlike her to make a breezy, non-judgmental comment (“Everyone’s got their ish.”). Julia is not breezy. Julia is an attention whore. Julia snarks, judges, and attempts to publicly humiliate people.

        As the Bingo card predicts, she is Tweeting From a New Personality.

        She is targeting a new man. If anyone is super-duper bored today, may I suggest doing a little light social media research? Who is the peaceful, ultra-laid back dude, probably in the business (OMG author? OMG founder?), of instructing people not to let life get them down, who has absolutely used the word ‘ish,’ at some point.

        A Buddhist maybe? An inspirational grifter?

        I will allow that he new personality could be aimed at a OMG tiny cute cool woman she thinks could get her ahead (Jordan, etc.). May-be the new happiness-forgiveness personality is just an attempt to start making the big bucks as a griftfest headliner, but come on, 80% of Tweets from bizarro-world Julias mean she has her sights on a new man.

        Any guesses?

  10. 1PM @kristinthorne Just waking up! Thank you for your kind words re my assault!!!1!! I’m available 24/7 if you want an interview. I’m sure Long Island will understand. Do they get Gawker out there? Homeless people suck!!! Can I crash at your place for 4 to 15 days??

  11. Get it, folks? Man-on-Woman Abuse sucks when the man is Powerful, & by Greg,
    Julia Allison is not going to stand for it! THAT is “some seriously fucked up shit.”

    [img]http://i44.tinypic.com/2zqslxi.png[/img]

    Homeless-Man-on-Homeless-D0nkey Abuse … s’alright, everyone got their ish, yo.

  12. Thanks for the fact check Nickelodeon Chic! Not sure how my mind melded one into another! (Maybe because Julia is always so OMG HANDSOME NEWS GUY and I think Peter Alexander is better looking than Alexander M? Not that that really makes sense but hey, busy work week, brain fried.)

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