UPDATED: Psychotic Loon Asks: Should I Be A Trollop Who Wallops?

dawn-davenport

Donks has another article up on xojane, the website where women go to learn how to be horrible women. Today she advocates assault and general psychotic behavior.

JULIA ALLISON ASKS: SHOULD A LADY DATE MULTIPLE GENTLEMEN AT THE SAME TIME?

The point is this: the scariest part of a nascent relationship isn’t what he thinks of your bedroom (pink as it may be). It’s that looming cloud of rejection. What if I want him and he doesn’t want me??

You know, I actually thought I knew how I felt on this subject — unabashedly PRO, as it seems wise to spread out the inevitable pressure (has he texted? has he texted now? how about now??) amongst a wide(r) swath of men. Or, like, at least two of ’em.

My thinking was this: Early courtship is such a fragile process that one too-quickly-returned text, one slightly desperate voicemail, one quasi-passive aggressive email can trash a perfectly graded slope toward, well, I suppose, a relationship. That is, if that’s the goal, which for me it (usually) is.

Although maybe the real goal is being offered the opportunity to decide whether I would like to pursue a relationship. (As opposed to it being decided for me — as in, decided against me. Sigh.)

Sometimes — when courtship is going particularly well — I have a tendency to become much too comfortable, much too fast. I’m sort of like the instant microwavable oatmeal of dating. I love flirting, intimacy and connection (love me! loveeee meeee!), and I fall in love fast, so I start saying things I should only say to boyfriends, or guys who have at least indicated through word or deed that, why, yes, they would very much enjoy seeing me sans clothing. For more than a single evening.

I have an exceptionally high threshold for flexting — no, not SEXTING, there were no photos — which means that sometimes I can flext a bit too hard. And maybe too much? I can see how it might be a bit aggressive to tell a guy with whom I went on two dates that I find him “incredibly sexy” (he didn’t text me back, for the record). Maybe I should save that for more captive audiences, like men stuck next to me on airplanes or handcuffed to my bed. Uh, for example.

But this leads into a more fundamental debate — the eternal, unending, somewhat nauseatingly unsolved debate — over whether one should attempt to follow “the rules.” The Rules, in my thinking, are just a tool to ensure two results:

  • That one plays into the cliche-but-damnit-they-work psycho-economics of the chase, supply and demand.
  • That one slowly unleashes one’s personality onto a willing (but still innocent) victim, like a time-release allergy medication, spread over the course of a period of weeks/months/years, such that they not freak out over any one incident/trait/facet until they have a better grip on your full context as a person — and thus ensure a slightly greater degree of accuracy when they attempt to assess whether that particular crazy incident is merely PMS or is, in fact, indicative of your crazy as a whole.

And that opens another can of debatable dating worms, namely, should you “be yourself”?  Well, what the hell does “be yourself” even MEAN?? Which “self” specifically, should I be? Who I am with my girlfriends? Who I am with my mom? Who I am with my boss?? Who is the “real” self, anyway??

And what if myself has a ridiculously girly bedroom because myself loves pink, it just makes myself joyously happy, but I’m not sure I should show that to a guy on the first date. That said, maybe the guy who couldn’t handle that couldn’t handle me. Or MAYBE I need to give him a chance to get to know me so he doesn’t blow that (harmless! totally harmless!) pink bedroom completely out of proportion!

The point is this: the scariest part of a nascent relationship isn’t what he thinks of your bedroom (pink as it may be). It’s that looming cloud of rejection. What if I want him and he doesn’t want me??

And so sometimes I think, “Well, if I’m seeing more than one dude at a time, the likelihood that — at any given moment — I’ll get some positive response is fairly high, right??” Right?? And I have been right. And sometimes, dear God, I have been very, very not.

When I was in college, I wrote a dating column espousing a “newfangled” philosophy I’d discovered watching HBO (Thanks to Manolos-Clad Blonde Who Shall Not Be Named!). I called it “Dating with a Lowercase ‘d’” (oh, yeah, I came up with that gem). Apparently kids in college weren’t too familiar with the concept, so I broke it down its benefits:

“Dating with a Lowercase ‘d’: On the relationship spectrum, somewhere between hooking up and monogamous commitment (a.k.a. Dating with an uppercase ‘D’); usually entails traditional type “dates” as well as non-exclusive status … Casually dating multiple people is an excellent way to hedge your bets -– it broadens your dating portfolio. As long as both parties realize the relationship is not exclusive, there is nothing underhanded or immoral.”

So writes the 20-year-old me. I wasn’t wrong, per se. But I also neglected to realize — because I simply hadn’t experienced the phenomena — how unbelievably treacherous those “boundary waters” are. How two people — you and him — can physically experience the exact same things, and yet have a COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY DIFFERENT emotional experience. And how badly you can get hurt as a result.

Over the past five years, I’ve become the queen of the “3-6 monther.” Don’t be deceived by their length. They’re brutal. BRUTAL. You’re in that awkward but sort of ridiculously amazing stage where you’re not really sure what’s going to happen long term (could he be??? or is he just???) and you’re sort of falling for him but you’re not sure if he’s falling for you and you haven’t gotten comfortable yet, butterflies are still definitely involved, but then what if you want to date him exclusively and he doesn’t so shouldn’t you date other people to distract yourself and then what if he does and won’t that just be like stabbing you in the face with a hot curling iron??

And you don’t want to say, “Hey, I want you to be my boyfriend,” because you really really want to be one of those girls who is “cool” and just “doesn’t care” about commitment, because all the guys you know seem to be with girls like that, except you don’t actually know any of those girls. (WHO ARE THEY? WHERE DO THEY COME FROM?? And how much, specifically, Xanax is their ob-gyn subbing for their birth control??)

And what if you don’t even want him to be your boyfriend in the first place because maybe you’re not sure but then you think more about it and realize you’re not even sure that you’re not sure? Like what if you should just give him time? (Except you’re pretty sure he’s not “it” and then shouldn’t you just be dating other people? But doesn’t that mean you should just end it with him completely? But then you really should just give him time — and you’re back where you started.)

Basically, the 3-6 monthers drive you batshit crazy and then rip your heart out and none of your friends even sympathize when you grieve.

“It was only 5 months,” they say. “You weren’t exclusive,” they say.

Yeah. You know. That was the fucking problem.

There was a certain gentleman I dated for some time in 2008. (One of my BIEBNs, as I called them — “Boyfriend In Everything But Name.”) The fellow and I had dated for four months (four! months!!), we were seeing each other 3-4 nights a week, I followed ALL of the rules, planned a trip to meet my family in Chicago — and then, in a misguided effort to prompt the overdue DTR (Define The Relationship talk) I violated the number one rule of lawyers and potential girlfriends: “Thou Shalt Not Ask A Question To Which Thou Does Not Already Know The Answer.”

“Um, so, don’t you CARE if I sleep with other men?”

[pause]

“Nope,” came his unperturbed answer. And in one word, there went our relationship.

I still remember that feeling, like all of the air went out of the room. I looked into his face, the face of the man I had spent the last four months courting and being courted by, into the face of a man I had grown to care about very much, and I couldn’t understand his words. He didn’t care. HE DIDN’T CARE???  How could he not care??

The relationship — having never been made exclusive — didn’t actually die right there, but its soul did. The physical manifestation continued on life support for a month or two longer. I started going on dates with other people to distract me, to ease the pressure on what I wanted. (A relationship! With him!)

And then, there we were, together at a holiday party. We didn’t come together — but I certainly thought we were leaving together. In the corner, me in a red dress and green sparkly heels, him in a cashmere sweater with a tie — he told me he was leaving with someone else. Which, technically, he had every right to do. We were dating multiple people.

One too many holiday cocktails to the wind, I punched him in his cashmere stomach and ran outside, sobbing. It was December in New York, just bone-chilling, and I didn’t even feel it as I cried in a taxi, Taylor Swift style, all the way home.

Dating multiple people didn’t change this one wretched thing: the only person I really wanted to be dating was him.

So perhaps the lesson — if there is a lesson, if there is EVER a lesson in this exhausting dating dance — is that, oh, hell. I have no fucking clue.

Arranged marriage anyone?

What’s with the double question marks? Does she think her questions are that important?

UPDATE: And now it appears Julia Allison is now in the xojane comments. What do we learn?

318 COMMENTS

  1. Kraft Cheesy Skillsets (lost a grandmother but gained a boyfriend (fucktard fashion failure (Queen Neferteeri)))

    Un-fucking-readable.

    Where the hell did that photo come from???

    • Yep, just what the internet needs: another fauxto of Donkey’s Gaping Maw™

    • I think JA can be a good writer when she puts her mind to it, but holy shit, this was terrible.

      • I have never read anything she’s written that I consider even marginally good. It is high school level quality or less, and there’s no way she should be paid one dime for such horrible work.

        • I thought some of her old Time Out columns were funny, but holy hell, she’s just gotten worse and worse and worse.

        • I, now, am a geniunely terrible writer. I’m unable to comment without inserting “holy hell” or “holy shit” into anything I post here.

    • I know it has been said that she is an awful writer but fuck me. I think of the first season of Sex and the City when Carrie used to talk directly to the camera. I see her sitting there writing this dribble and talking to herself with sheer amusement with her oh so witty (shitty) writing. She is insufferable.

      • She writes like an annoying 12-year-old on Tumblr. The constant asides, and ‘like’ makes me cringe. Though, I did achieve a personal best with this article: I made it through two whole paragraphs! And, with that success under my belt I shall now go try to lift a car, because I’m clearly super(wo)man.

  2. This is unreadable. And what is “flexting”? And where is that Julia Allison bodybuilder pic so I can demonstrate “flexting”?

    • Horribly written. Did anyone at xojane even edit the piece or look at it once before posting the drivel?

      True Confession: When I was around 11 years old, my best buddy and I would read my older sister’s YOUNG MISS magazine out loud and laugh & laugh & laugh. We particularly loved a phony letters to the editor section, “Was My Face Red!” Julia’s piece reads like one of those phony letters aimed at silly young women that was probably written by some 40 year old male freelancer with three kids. “I punched him Taylor Swift style. Yeah, yeah, the kids can relate to that.”

    • God-fucking-awful writing. I’m really embarrassed for her.

    • “And what if myself has a ridiculously girly bedroom because myself loves pink . . .” My eyes are bleeding.

      • The worst is, this sounds like a RBD meme from a long time ago. I just can’t properly place it. Something “about what if myself is a stalker”?

          • D0nkey said that on, I think, the what’stheirfaces Hoda & Kathy Lee? interview that included Emily Morse & Amy Laurent.

  3. Holy crap.

    Does she think that because Debbie hasn’t run for the hills (yet) that it is totally “safe” to let her hair down and swing that neurotic crazy flag in the wind like this (again)? This is disturbingly cray.

    So many WTF moments… I can’t even. Dating is not THAT complicated.

      • D0nkey must spend an inexplicable amount of time being deeply confused as to whether she’s MERELY “dating” or L.I.T.E.R.A.L.L.Y. “”Dating”” a boy …

    • That’s what I get. Sadly I can relate to a bunch of this, as I suck at dating and am horribly impatient about it (I don’t commit violence and I’m not insane though), but jesus I would NEVER publish anything about my own personal cray under my real name. Also yes, she feels completely safe doing so now, because haven’t you heard? SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND! And surely relationships never end!

      • I hear you but keep in mind that she has settled for a man who likes men, lives a plane ride away and truly is a boyfriend in a trying to get a reality show kind of way.

        I suck at dating too, but will not settle and I’m guessing you don’t either.

    • Oh Donkey in getting restless. No job/grift, far away from her girlfriend, worried that if Daddy goes before Mommy, that she’ll rightfully get axed from the will, hautecakes getting married soon, pre-posting that cracker jax is really the new Tiffany’s…all that time alone is not doing a donkey good. But wow-amazing fun for us.

  4. So this is the outfit, but who was the guy?

    [img]http://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_kux4z2sqnU1qz6dlko1_1280.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAI6WLSGT7Y3ET7ADQ&Expires=1364053663&Signature=9g78NWXnJglcdWBYQrbmz9pwaho%3D#_=_[/img]

    • That photo is the quintessence of despair. I’ve been to some shitty parties in my day, but that’s like an impromptu staging of No Exit.

    • Need Prof. F. Camping to weigh in but if my degree in Donkology serves, I think summer-winter ’08 was Eater Guy?

      Also, she’s having a total meltdown.

    • 1 – Gotta correct myself that those shoes were from Alex, not redacted #1.

      2 – Did a little digging and she attended this party with Prom King, so perhaps that explains why the breakup happened so soon thereafter? I wonder if he really simply called her inconsiderate or added something like “you’re also a violent hosebeast”.

      • Oops just outlined this. Ignore my wonky timelines (too much wine wine) but yeah, def PK. But isn’t it funny how much context her trotting out an old relationship provides?

        – Inconsiderate throughout relationship according to prom king, who was one of the few that really, truly entertained her crazy antics and costumewear with seemingly little to no argument/embarrassment.

        – Now she talks about having punched him at Meghan’s December party, apparently having preceded her follow-up letter writing and that conversation with PK.

        – Nice guy as he may have been, maybe he indulged her by giving her another chance and trying to make it work for V-Day and birthcray?

        – Not a stretch to think she was a gigantic beeznatch (actually, didn’t she admit this?) during birthcray and he decided it wasn’t worth it.

        – Then of course we all have to remember her whole “what I’ve done since the breakup” checklist that indicated in a few different places how she was OBSESSING about having lost him (right down to nonstop calling him, much like she’s done to other exes)

        Long story short: CREEPER. No wonder she has so many qualms about dating and maintaining relationships. She was an ass when she was younger, more attractive, and constantly chasing the OBO. Now she’s older, looney and oh-so-desperate and her standards are in the negatives because she’s got to make Debbie happen. It seems she’s having trouble with that, too.

          • I know, I know! Just reiterating about how the reindeer ears/sparkly shoes/ping pong paddles was PK era, I think I was mid-typing/editing when Mama J posted about it.

          • (sorry if this is clarified elsewhere — I’m just getting caught up on posts)

            Are we talking about the jumping-on-the-bed fauxto? Cuz that’s her Marina yel Bray stall …

        • You are wildly failing your Donkey 101 course.

          PK was in 2010, and the breakup came after birthcray, so March 2010.

          Eater Guy was in 2008. He was determined that no one knew they were dating. She outed the relationship to Gawker and it ended soon after, IE, I suppose, he started backing away and openly dating other people.

          And at a Christmas party that year, dressed in a red dress and sparkly green heels, she lost her shit when she saw him:

          http://gawker.com/5104159/julia-allison-is-the-canary-in-the-recessionary-coal-mine

          • Goddamnit. Can I blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol (a la donkey)? I’ve clearly been partying way too much at school. I was just saaaaying the photo pictured was PK era way after the fact. Jumped to a bunch of conclusions after the fact bc she posted pictures all from that same time. IDK, she fabricates dates all the time so I have to believe at times that something in the milk isn’t clean.

    • So clearly she was having a terrible time here, as we now know the context, but god forbid she doesn’t take a picture to document it, it’s like NO ONE WOULD KNOW SHE WAS OUT NOT HAVING FUN.

      Crazypants.

    • What is up with her nose in this picture? And really green glitter shoes. She is such a walking talking cliche-she’s so cliche that she’s almost circled back around to cool (in theory).

  5. You know what Julie? I don’t have ANY of your problems. I’m one person to everyone and if that person doesn’t want to date I buck the fuck up and move on. It’s NOT ALWAYS SO PERSONAL. Fucking retard.

    Also, she will always be a “dating” “expert” because she has no clue what relationship problems are or how to solve them.

    Fuck you Julia, you insufferable hag/hack/hatchet are an insult to writers everywhere.

    • Seriously, I don’t get this I am different for different people. I am fundamentally the same person for everyone. Sure, I refrain from talking about fisting with my mother, but I am still the same person.

      • This was the biggest head shake for me. But for Jules, her whole life is a play…every relationship is a role, and that’s why she wears so many goddamn costumes.

      • ” Well, what the hell does “be yourself” even MEAN?? Which “self” specifically, should I be? Who I am with my girlfriends? Who I am with my mom? Who I am with my boss?? Who is the “real” self, anyway??” At first I thought this was the most demented, cray-cray thing she has ever written. But the more I think about it, I also realize how sad it is. Pathetic, damaged and sad. How does her family just let her walk around like this? Morphing and shape-shifting and using people left and right. Why doesn’t anyone force her to get help? It seems so irresponsible to let someone so ill wander about untreated.

        • The cray part is, while she may be facing a ‘truth’ here, she still thinks it is cute! She is admitting something deeply fucked up, and just thinks it makes her quirky. That is some serious, serious self-deception.

        • It’s easy to throw around “narcissist” and “borderline” around as a pejorative, but those are actual mental illnesses and this gives you insight into what it’s like to live with them. Narcissist/borderline people don’t actually know who they are — they don’t get to have that feeling of being grounded or confident. Sad.

      • She’s talking to herself. About herself. She used a thesaurus at some point so she could throw in some smert-sounding words and she’s never matured past the age of 12.
        Basically it’s, “OMG!!! Boys!! One boy or two boys? Dates! and Boys!! OMG!!”

      • Basically, she’s saying that she is incredibly needy and kinda fucking nuts, and scares guys away, so it’s a good idea to date a few of them at the same time, because one is bound to like you back, finally. No, I’m serious. Why are you laughing?

        • That is a totally accurate summation. The theory is basically, if you throw yourself at enough guys, eventually one will allow you to stick for awhile. Like Debbie.

      • Even the sad, amateur, unpaid “It Happened to Me” contest entrants are more coherent than this dribble. Pinworms in the vagina, “I wore paper underpants,” . . . all infinitely more readable than Julie Albertson’s word soup. I think she’s still high on the ayahuasca.

  6. Does anyone else still use the phrases “courtship” and “courting”? She is really not a good writer.

    • She’s channeling her inner Jane Austen. Maybe she should have noticed that Elizabeth didn’t morph into whatever she thought Mr. Darcy wanted or punch him in the stomach when he insulted her at the ball behind her back.

  7. Wait. Wait wait wait. Wait.

    That picture of her jumping on the bed in lingerie is part of the piece? Not, like, something pulled from the archives of cray, but something she had taken FOR THIS PIECE ON A BLOG?

      • I’ve been reading here since the RBNS days, and before that, Baugher, and before that, Gawker’s symbiotic relationship coverage of her. I do not know why on earth I would be surprised. And yet.

      • I don’t know if it is because why is her hair red and the bedspread pink? I thought she butched the place up for Debbie?

        • I thought she butched the place up for Debbie?

          Just gonna let that sentence hang there, because I love it so much.

          • Kraft Cheesy Skillsets (lost a grandmother but gained a boyfriend (fucktard fashion failure (Queen Neferteeri)))

            Ah, yes. The skidmark colored bedding!

        • Reminds of Project Runway, Season 1, when Jay’s runway model was a no-show and Austin Scarlett had to take her place because he was the only person skinny enough to model Jay’s outfit (the redesigned postal uniform.) Jay tells Austin, “That’s the most butch I’ve ever seen you.”

  8. It baffles me that a whiny little teenager’s diary entry gets published on a website, regardless of how pathetic the website is.

  9. PINK PALATIAN – I sent you an email at your att.net address re: a blogger who would like to contribute to your campaign and post about you. If I should send it somewhere else (or if you’ve already heard from here), give me a shout here.

    Best of luck,

    WP

    • I have not heard from her directly but she did tweet about it and made a donation. I reached out to see if there are other possibilities. Thanks!

      And if no one knows what talking about, I’m doing an Indiegogo campaign to find about living in Manhattan for $1,000/month. Info can be found here: http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/manhattan-on-1-000-a-month/x/2719702.

      Every little bit helps & spreading the word far and wide is much appreciated as well.

      Excuse any errors in this post. I’m on a bazillions different meds trying to get a burgeoning cold to vacate my body & I’m a bit spacey…

      • I should have posted here again after I got your response. I was just concerned I might have had an old email address.

        So glad things are going well!

  10. Once again, my first reaction is that, putting all hatred, history and knowledge of her past aside, her writing is just atrocious. She is an awful writer. Even putting aside the fact that there is zero point to what she writes, the writing itself, is just plain terrible.

    But kudos to xojane or whatever that site is. They know she’s a lightning rod.

    • Her writing is a psychotic break in a parenthetical aside. I was fighting hard to get through the word jungle then I scrolled down I realized I was only 1/10 of the way through. Good Greg, woman. You’re insane, go home.

  11. My questions all pertain to the relationship and not her horrible writing which I have already seen. At the point where this guy said…I don’t care who you sleep with…which is a complete (expletive) thing to say…wasn’t she just up front with him and end things. If she weren’t so fake, this stuff could be avoided. And she still doesn’t know what the lesson is…the lesson is be honest, idiot.

    • The best part that she doesn’t even realize is, when that guy was doing that to HER (seeing other people because he clearly wasn’t that into her) she was admittedly DOING THAT TO OTHER PEOPLE, to get her mind off the first guy not being into HER. So the behavior that causes her to punch others, is the same behavior that is apparently just fine for her to engage in. It’s a merry go round of fuckery.

      Also she STILL didn’t end it then. Does she need an engraved invitation?

  12. Is it just me (it’s ok if it is guys! I’m fine!)? Or does anyone else wish she used (employed? utilized?) more parenthetical phrasing? It’s such an ineffable way (despite the thesauarus words she sometimes uses! What are you gonna do?Sue her! She went to Georgetown, for goodness sake!) to have a mini-private dialogue (a privalogue! Yup, I coined that, baby!) with the reader. Like, she’s talking directly to you (whoever you are), as an aside. It also is like James Joyce in that the writing actually approximates the thinking process of the writer (She has voices in her head! Come in! Is that the doorbell ringing?). It’s art.

      • What if myself – and I’m just speaking for me here – was to use a special kind of keyboard (do people even still call them keyboards? Will someone pick up that phone for goodness’ sake! The ringing!) that transported me to a particular street corner in London in the 1950’s? Every. Time. I. Wrote.

        Are you the sort of fellow who would still get the not-totally-intended-to-arouse-you boner of which your particular self speaks?

        And that cracks open another immortal, ceaseless, perpetual question: Doest thou know Flatface is a boy? A fellow fellow? A bloke? Chap? Suitor of the male persuasion (why all those labels? Come in ! Did it just get really green in here?). Would that information end our too-soon-to-call-it-courtship-but-can-you-hold-my-parasol-for-a-second type courtship? Would the boner de-bone?

        Aaargh! I feel like such a wretch! A boner is a boner is a boner I guess (Lady boner. Fellow boner. Courtship boner. Writing boner. Time-travelling “keyboard” boner). Why do we (and I say we because all of my behaviours are universal. We all marvel at the msyterious dance of courtship. We all fear rejection. We all do 75 push-up every morning to stay fit for the day the Government comes to try and take our dogs away) persist in these labels? Uugggh!

        • Ineffable Flatface (this is the first time I’ve called you that.) What, too stalkerish? So sue me! No, wait. Don’t REALLY sue me. (Dad, are you reading this? I’m just joking! Um, err, really I am.)

          You? Are brilliant! The wannabe Dooce self-deprecating run-on sentence thing that she does ALL.THE.TIME. makes we want to anger-binge on chocolate. Um, err, hypothetically. WHY ARE LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT? *wipes chocolate smudge from keyboard*

          I hysterically love you. (Too soon? Wait… come back! I’ll never make that mistake again. Except when I do. *cue Taylor Swift music*)

          And then I realized, I just need to let it unfold.

          And so I did.

          And that, dear reader, is all I am saying on that subject. And I have never been happier or loved myself more.

    • THIS! Over at xoJane…they can’t understand why others are complainting about the grammar in the article b/c they like it/don’t mind it. What they don’t mind is the voice–it takes a good writer/editor to express that voice in print so that readers can easily follow. NOT THAT HARD PEOPLE!

      • What I love is the commenters who have never heard of her and are saying how insane and badly written that piece is. Lots of those.

        • Kraft Cheesy Skillsets (lost a grandmother but gained a boyfriend (fucktard fashion failure (Queen Neferteeri)))

          And if they’re curious enough to Google, there should be an influx of new catladies in the basement soon.

    • The best part of Julie’s spinouts, manic episodes and ramped up crazy are the Special Guest Appearances made by flatface, Handbag and other beloved Cat Ladies.

  13. Stop trying to make flext happen, donks.

    Also, things are more readable if asides and parenthetical inclusions are the rare exception, not a per-sentence norm. Sounds awful voices-in-my-head as written.

    Sorry, re-editing:

    Sounds awful voices-in-my-head as written.

  14. First, I’m ashamed to say I had to look up nascent.
    Secondly, is she 12????? This seriously looks and reads like the conversations I hear the 11 – 12 year old girls in my son’s grade have.

    • I had to look it up also. It’s really a turn-off. Why do you need to use that one SAT word in an essay full of made-up words and synonyms.

      Fuck her.

    • Why the fuck wouldn’t she just describe it as ‘new’?

      a new relationship

      vs.

      a nascent relationship

      ‘New’ is clearly the superior choice here. How can she not fucking know this?

      Why would you use a big, fancy SAT word that most people won’t know off the top of their heads (head?)? Oh yeah. That’s right. She’s a delusional sociopath who thinks using big, fancy SAT words makes her sound smart.

      GUESS WHAT? IT DOESN’T MAKE YOU SOUND SMART. IT MAKES YOU SOUND LIKE A COLOSSAL ASSHOLE.

  15. What is with her and the constant hitting and punching of people?
    That’s not okay, in any way, shape or form.
    And to help you out, Donkey, let’s reverse the roles
    “One too many holiday cocktails to the wind, I punched her in her cashmere stomach and ran outside, sobbing”
    Still seem like a funny story to share, Julia? Hope you’re gotten help for your drinking and violence problem,

  16. Question? What question? Sorry Jules – must’ve got distracted by the sparkle coming off my diamond…

  17. Here’s a question: JESUS CHRIST DOES NO ONE EDIT HER???

    This is just a huge spew of insanity straight from her messed-up noggin. Who would publish the fucking thing?

    • also: the Burro has never written anything without a bat crap cray cray ulterior motive

      so what’s the deal now? She wrote 15 pieces on the love of her life and he’s been sleeping with other cough*women*cough the whole time?

    • Xojane actually seems to be her perfect demographic. Everything there seems to be terribly written, way too overshare-y, and I think the readership primarily consists of not very intelligent teenage girls. So, yeah.

  18. [img]http://www.starstore.com/acatalog/emily-florence-l-poster.jpg[/img]

    This is what I think of when I hear Julia describe herself as a lady.
    And they act a damn sight more ladylike than she does.

  19. With shoes like this [img]http://i.imgur.com/IcRRt3W.jpg[/img] and this [img]http://i.imgur.com/0Qk63bB.jpg?1[/img] being sold by mainstream designers, why does she always think she’s so special for having worn those tired old green sparkle shoes? She acts like she owns the prize of the fashion museum’s collection. Scary Sadshaw.

    • are those the green sparkly shoes from OMG paris?!?! i still can’t believe she couldn’t find anything cuter in fucking paris.

  20. OMG it just goes on and on. Not all of this is wrong, but her writing is just soooooo annoyingly twee and ridiculous that it’s basically unreadable. Also, she needs to get a fucking handle on her neediness, and her violent behavior. Go to a therapist already, you have some issues.

  21. Can you imagine sleeping in that bed? My god. The furniture. The sheets that belong on a granny bed. The terrible artwork. The problem isn’t the pink, it’s the tacky.

    • What’s so sad that’s it’s *almost* not even mockable, is that she still has the same basic room she had in New York, and in the dorms, and maybe even in high school. The pink tulip wall hook and the painting (lone Julia in a field, painted by her mother?) were on the wall of her dorm room.

  22. Also WTF is a “debatable dating worm?” Can something be eternal, unending AND unsolved? Aren’t those three things the same? I can’t.

    • How can something be SOMEWHAT nauseating? Isn’t it just nauseating or not nauseating? If something is eternal, unending AND unsolved, does it also have to be described as somewhat nauseating? How many adjectives does one need to describe the word “debate?”

      Please stop writing.

  23. I made it through her cringeworthy and idiotic “writing” and she repeats a paragraph. Lazy.

    • Yeah WTF? It felt like some torturous kinda groundhog day of reading…I was like, wait didn’t I read this before? Make it stop.

      • I’m so tired of her recycled tropes. Jula has been regurgetating the same hollow shit for ten years.

  24. How, exactly, does this square with her current hallucinogen-consuming, namaste-saying, spiritual retreat-going current iteration? I’m confused.

  25. I think that this basically provides incontrovertible proof that Robin Baugher has edited most of Julia’s published columns – I’d say up until the Chicago tribune ones (and also the Elle.com ones, which is probably why she always turned in pages and pages more than the alloyed word count. In fact, I’m guessing Robin stopped editing right around MacBookAir-gate, and maybe that was the cause of the rift between them?

    Also, flatface, you are fucking hilarious.

  26. This was horrifically written. In fact I am slightly shocked. She doesn’t even get to the topic until halfway through this disjointed teenage diary entry, and even then there is no point to her point. WTF?? I couldn’t finish (I’m sure she hears that a lot.) She has actually inspired me to pursue a writing career again. I’m serious. I’m actually irate that she considers herself literate, let alone a JOURNALIST. You don’t just ramble on and on with no editing, have your idiotic words “published” on the internet and call yourself a journalist. I know, I’m preaching to the choir. But shit, my husband has had articles published in numerous home design magazines and he would laugh his ass off if anyone called him a journalist or a writer or anything of the sort. In fact he never even brings it up to anyone. People want to know what he knows, so they ask him to write about it. That’s it. No glory or look at me shit. Does anyone value what JA has to say? Honestly, I want to know. Nothing she said in this “article” is any better or wittier than what I could have gotten talking to any female friend I know.

    I’m sorry to go off.

    P.S. I never knew “showing your bedroom” to someone you’re dating was this huge, stress-filled event she is making it to be. I think it’s a non-issue for pretty much everyone on earth other than this bitch and serial killers.

    • I think it’s a non-issue for pretty much everyone on earth other than this bitch and serial killers.

      Yet another comment that could be made on every post and always make sense.

    • I share your ire about her journalism. Christ I missed the boat on that, I think if it was still as viable a career choice as it had been in the past, and I had way more motivation, I could have been somebody in that. I value writing. And her writing is a personal offense to me and people who actually try to be good at it.

      She’s boring. She’s nuts, but also boring, it’s a terribly confusing combination. Also, she’s on a manic upswing because she has an OMG BOYFRIEND, thus she showed all the haters and she’s won and she IS LOVABLE DAMMIT like she always KNEW, and her life’s goal has been fulfilled, for now…so I suspect we’re gonna see more of this kind of semi-literate batshit insane writing couched as advice or whatever.

      I’m also pretty convinced at this point she has, among other things, borderline personality disorder. Explains the neediness in relationships, the acting out, the constant crying, the emptiness she obviously feels and the problems she has with her own identity. She should really see a therapist and work on her emotional regulation skills.

      • I think I got ahead of myself there. I doubt I’m seriously going to pursue it as a “career” but she has inspired me to write again, even if it’s just for a hobby. Reading something so horribly written makes you want to write anything, just to feel better. It’s not just the execution, it’s that there is nothing behind what she is saying, if you can decipher what she’s trying to say, that is. The worst part is she probably believes she is a literary genius. She should write what she knows. How does it feel to be a perpetual Alice in Shunned-erland? She needs to start there and be honest.

        You are right, she IS boring and crazy. And she definitely needs help. Did something happen in her pre-teen years that would explain why she is now stuck there? She acknowledges her past mistakes but keeps making them. She likes her pink, pink, pink bedroom and would admit most guys don’t share that taste, so she does nothing to change. She can’t understand why she should have to change anything she likes to accommodate another person. The answer is, because you should, asshole. It’s not all about you. The source of that looming cloud of rejection is coming from your mirror.

        • I’m going to say her psychological/ego wound was Dan, who she (reportedly) dated for three years only to have him dump her for another girl and right before OMGPROMMMM! He was always polite in talking about donkey years later but he’s made some interesting comments, like having to be the custodian of her memories because she tends to change who she “is” frequently, and either forget or discard anything inconsistent with the new image she’s trying to sell. Very telling from someone who’s known her since high school.

          Previous diary entries she’s republished from middle school/early hs years indicate she was more of an outcast than anything… or at least not as popular as she wanted to be and felt she deserved. These were of course during her “highly accepted” (RE: following plastic surgery, famewhoring/getting attention somewhat successfully, actively working on a daily basis) period when the new waves of appreciation got to her head, having never experienced them before. Naturally, it’s harder for her that she’s regressing to where she started, since aging poorly due to general neglect, and becoming plasticine in the face due to cheap injections are appearing to happen with her at the same time.

          She is accommodating or somewhat adjusting because her options are that limited. She’ll need to be proposed to even if she turns it down after the fact, for her own personal sake.

    • Dances With Hooves, how can you say there’s no point to her point, when she starts the article with, “The point is this:”? The very first words! How could she be any clearer?!??!??!?!

      Her point was to inflict the maximum headache and brain-sprain on anyone trying to decipher this Chernobyl of horrid, horrid writing and frightening psychosis, to map this sick twisted maze of her mind. As an artist, she’s presenting a chilling self-portrait, a clever role-play, of herself as an unreliable narrator and a madwoman. She is an artist playing with questions of identity, trauma, a fractured psyche wracked with sexual neurosis and violence. Genius, really.

      (Oh wait, she wrote this 18 months ago, and just decided to be an artist the other day. Never mind. It’s babblegarbage.)

  27. Reading this was an ordeal, but at least I got a new username from it!

    Sincerely,

    debatable dating worms

    • Love it. The way she tortures a metaphor (that should not have even been a metaphor to begin with)…she’s really second to none with that. I remember something about a proverbial mouse pressing a lever for dating crack, or something. This shit makes sense in her mind I guess, her mind being filled with cotton candy and dirt.

        • But if it’s starving, why does it want heroin? DId she mean a heroin addicted mouse? Also, what’s bridal heroin? Is that a thing? Like a debatable worm? Do these things exist somewhere? That i don’t know about.

  28. “And what if myself has a ridiculously girly bedroom because myself loves pink, it just makes myself joyously happy, but I’m not sure I should show that to a guy on the first date. ”

    No, no. Please wait until it’s time for the 2nd date blowjob to show him the bedroom Jules. It is as if she has ZERO memory of what she has said or done in the (recent) past.

    • Kraft Cheesy Skillsets (lost a grandmother but gained a boyfriend (fucktard fashion failure (Queen Neferteeri)))

      I assume that her bedroom is a boner killer. In fact, Donkey commits bonercide on a regular basis.

  29. It’s not the too-soon email or the too-aggressive text or the too-pink bedroom per se.

    It is eight words: you’re a crazy cunt so nobody wants you.

    Them being around you in person is what does it. They probably fuck you, and being halfway decent guys, try to drag it out for a couple months so you don’t feel like a complete whore. But they are planning their escape the minute they shoot a load on your disgusting face. Trust me.

    You’re doomed after the first meeting….you just don’t know it yet. That’s because in addition to being a crazy cunt, you are fucking stupid. Bad combo.

    The only reason the current eunuch didn’t run for the hills already is he is almost as stupid as you are. But clearly he is coming around and you’re getting spooked – which is why you are writing stupid shit like the above article. You know your days are numbered. I can’t wait to watch it all blow up. Dumb twat.

  30. Credit where credit is due, though, people. She did not mention her boyfriend Devin ONCE. I think that’s a first.

    Then again, it’s probably because she wrote this months ago, maybe an Elle reject? And was too lazy to insert a few sentences.

    • I think it’s almost certainly an Elle.com reject and she tossed it their way because she’s desperate for cash. All $50.

      • Spot on, Jacy. She’s in the xojane comments and says this absurd labyrinth of delirium was written 18 months ago (and yes, it’s her grandmother’s nightgown in the photos and yes they were taken before she redecorated her room for “her man”, with whom she is still in a “blissed out” relationship).

        This is likely the first column she tried to fob off for that Elle website gig Bravo set up for her, which then sparked the meeting with her agent as shown on Miss Advised where he said not good enough. So xojane gets the stale unedited mess instead.

        • Wait, 18 months ago, she had her dead grandmother’s nightgown? Didn’t NGMB die last May and then Donk met “the love of [her] life” that same evening?

          Or did Donkey just raid her beloved grandmother’s closet while she was dying?

          • Ahh, nevermind, she wrote the “piece” (it is to laugh) 18 months ago but took the photos more recently than that. SS;SF

    • or because he’s gone gone gone gone and the public post all about the distressing dilemmas of dating is backpedaling to say there were so many others all along

      no idea what their lead time is; it clearly wasn’t edited

  31. 1) This is what her pieces read like since Momsers stopped editing her bullshit.

    2) She is a fucking abusive piece of shit. WHY is she not ashamed of all the punching and physical lashing out she does?

    3) She’s never getting help, is she? Like, no therapy ever (despite her past claims that she was seeing a therapist – I think that must have been Annie “Winced” Lalalala.)

  32. It’s as Ann as the nose on plain’s face. (Sorry, AD reference)

    We are truly looking into the vortex of crazy. She doesn’t understand that most people don’t have to worry about unleashing their entire hosebeast personality on someone. That’s the thing with crazy – crazy people can’t see it from any other point of view.

  33. The one redeeming quality of this “article” is that it’s so incredibly inane, so psychotically verbose, that it would make a great cut-up poem. If we cut out all the phrases from this piece (of shit “journalism”) and put them in a paper bag, took them out one by one, and strung together a poem it would be a fascinating look at donkey’s inner rage and vapidity.

    So maybe she is an artist? Or at least, a source for artists. She writes really terrible pieces and we have field days with them.

  34. She’s in the comments now. Here’s a gem:

    Julia Allison Eileen • 22 minutes ago −
    Well, I think that dating multiple people is the reality for many in NYC (where I spent the majority of my twenties). I am now, and have been for the past year, in a blissed out relationship with a wonderful man. But this article was an ode to my younger years.

    • She hasn’t been dating Chef D for a year yet, has she? Why does she lie about such stupid stuff?

  35. Julia Allison L_dubs • 27 minutes ago
    LOL, well … currently my bedroom is brown (thanks to my man, who wanted it redecorated), but at the time of the writing of this piece, it was pink. The reason there is so much talk of it is due to my Bravo producers and ELLE editors repeatedly asking if such a bedroom would turn men off. 😉 So there is there is a backstory.

    • Such scintillating bedroom backstory I’m sure. Like Elle gave a fuck about what her bedroom looked like. And Bravo certainly didn’t film any action in it. Such a delusional dick…

    • Kraft Cheesy Skillsets (lost a grandmother but gained a boyfriend (fucktard fashion failure (Queen Neferteeri)))

      It was never the bedroom that turned off guys and murdered boners. It was Donkey.

  36. She thinks she’s Tom Wolfe

    librarygrrl64 Lollipopcorn • 3 hours ago
    I think I am a pretty good reader, but I had to re-read quite a few sentences in this one. Maybe it’s just not my (linear) style, but the writing felt disjointed to me.
    0 •Reply•Share ›

    Julia Allison librarygrrl64 • 29 minutes ago
    I was going for that style … a little Tom Wolfe-esque. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, for sure.

    • Of course!

      This is her “Painted Word”, her “Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test”. Of course.

      I knew I was on to something when I detected notes of James Joyce in that “article”. Experimental indeed!

      It is so gracious of her to acknowledge that it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. She wouldn’t go as far as to say they didn’t “get” the literary genre-busting she was doing. No, no. That would be rude. It’s just not to their taste. You know? Some people like Picasso’s early stuff, the Blue period pieces where you could make out the figures. But for others, hey, the surrealist, cubist stuff is the Real Picasso. God Bless. To each his own.

      If you don’t love Julia’s xojane.com blog post about dating more than one person at once, hey, no big deal. It breaks a lot of rules. That can scare people. It has no consistent authorial voice and it mixes analogies, and uses more parenthetical phrases, dashes and hyphens than any “traditional” grammar teachers would advise. Its pace is breathless and it appears sometimes two people are talking at once.

      Not everyone can handle this. There are opera people and there are pop people. Julia’s obviously an opera person. She’ Jazz. She’s Joyce. She’s David Lynch. She unsettles. She challenges. She takes a tired genre, like girly dating advice, and smashes it. Reinvents it.

    • Tom Wolfe meets Frida Kahlo. The two get into a fistfight and the resulting brain matter is then smeared onto a page. Voila—it’s art!

    • My mancat got a laugh out of this. You didn’t like my piece? That’s fair. Some people just don’t enjoy Tom Wolfe’s style.

      She tells herself that any criticism of her writing is criticism of whoever she thinks she’s aping. This shouldn’t surprise me, but it does.

      New low, Donkey. New low.

      • This. I got the stabbies reading that B.S. Did she really just compare the scribblings of a culturally illiterate 12 year old to that of the writer of Radical Chic & Bonfire of the Vanities? And it’s our fault if we don’t get it? Fuck you, Donkey. You were a shitty writer during your “VD on the Hilltop” days but back then you at least had Momser editing your word vomit.

      • I was gonna suggest she try a different writer who she’s actually never read and doesn’t understand anyway. This one is not quite working, but nice try, if that’s what you were going for, which it’s not, but let’s go with it.

        • You actually think she’s read Tom Wolfe? I don’t. She doesn’t have a clue what she’s talking about. And anyway, silly, Tom Wolfe is only famous and successful because he wears a white suit!!

    • She compared herself to Frida Kahlo the other day. And now Tom Wolfe?? It is to mother fucking guffaw.

    • I know when I shop around an old piece, I find it best not to update it in any way. Do you think Tom Wolfe would reread something he had sitting in a drawer for 18 months before submitting it for publication? Of course he wouldn’t! And neither would Donkey. Not everyone can appreciate their style.

      • My style is not proofreading or using proper grammar or punctuation. I’m sorry you don’t get what I do. Not everybody does.

      • I’ll bet she updated it a just a little:

        “..and I didn’t even feel it as I cried in a taxi, Carrie Bradshaw Taylor Swift style, all the way home.”

      • I will bet she is the only person in the world who enjoyed “I Am Charlotte Simmons” without throwing it across the room.

  37. Julia Allison Tinab81 • 35 minutes ago −
    Nope, I’m still with the love of my life. This piece was written 18 months ago.
    0 •Reply•Share ›

    • For fucks sake, if Julia always has to go into the comments to clarify her pieces then she should realize she is a shitty communicator and writer. No professional does this expect to maybe engage in further discussion with readers. Julias just back peddling and trying to qualify her bullshit, no 🙂 s can disguise it.

    • I’m all for recycling trash but that piece should have been burned, buried and never to see the light of day again.

  38. Guys, scroll down and read the comments. Some things never change, including Psycho Donk actually replying in the comments to people. And yes, according to her in one of those comments, that is indeed her dead granny’s nightgown.
    I guess the days of the big glamorous staged photoshoots of her NY days are officially dead when she has to rely on stupid pics of her jumping on her bed in her pathetic pretty princess bedroom. Speaking of which, I find it both sad and truly insane that she has the exact same bedroom items/artwork/style that she had in college: further proof that she never evolves in her arrested development.

    Also, I read another article on that website about some slut in Manhattan who cruised Craigslist and OkCupid for dates so she could eat at least 3 free meals a week.
    So if course equally despicable Julia Allison would be a featured writer there.

  39. I’m sorry if this has already been speculated…. but does anyone notice how often she says she is “blissed out” and with “the love of her life” and how “happy” she is? I can’t tell if she’s the type who would constantly say how GREAT everything is to mask the fact that everything is really shit, or if she really is happy. I feel like they fight a lot but she would never admit it. I’ve been with the love of my life for four years and will only talk about how happy we are together if prompted. And even then it’s a few sentences! Speculaaaaation!

    • I’m sorry if this has already been speculated…. but does anyone notice how often she says she is “blissed out” and with “the love of her life” and how “happy” she is?

      It’s one of the major themes of RBD. Historically, she’s at her most blissed out publicly when things are taking a major nosedive behind the scenes.

      See also: So. Blessed.

      • Thanks to the cat ladies here, every time I see people on Facebook claim to be “So. Blessed,” I laugh my ass off. At one hosebeast in particular.

  40. Whyyyyyy is she popping up in the comments? I mean, it’s Julia, of course she’s hovering over the piece watching the comments roll in, but does she not understand how pathetic that makes her look? It’s unprofessional, it’s annoying (like, your writing isn’t good enough to stand on its own? you have to be annotating in the comments like a lunatic?), and above all it highlights her MASSIVE insecurity. Which is deserved. Because she writes like shit.

    • Julia Allison Lightowler • an hour ago
      Pretty sure my boyfriend agrees that I’m not mature enough (at times). Working on it! (ps, this piece was written 18 months ago …)

      Julia Allison Tinab81 • an hour ago −
      Nope, I’m still with the love of my life. This piece was written 18 months ago.

      ShuzieQ Lollipopcorn • 6 hours ago
      I was entertained, too. I kind of though the whole point is that dating (with a lowercase “d”) makes you a little bit crazy and all over the map. Everyone needs to calm down. This is not a $400 textbook or Pulitzer winning piece we are reading.
      8 •Reply•Share ›
      >Julia Allison ShuzieQ • an hour ago
      🙂 Thanks.

      Julia Allison avbeezy • an hour ago −
      LOL, well … the satin slip is my late Grandmother’s nightgown, and this photo shoot had nothing to do with the article (they were outtakes for another story), but XOJane always wants photos to go with their pieces, so … yeah.

      Julia Allison librarygrrl64 • an hour ago −
      I was going for that style … a little Tom Wolfe-esque. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, for sure.

      • carbon dating would show the 100 year difference in something that belonged to NGMB and the present era / error

      • When she says, “XOJ always wants photos so..” someone calls her out and says, “Oh, so you chose that one, then, good to know.” or somesuch. Derp.

        Also, the fuck with her and: I call it, “Dating with a Lowercase ‘d’. “

        Uh, so does everyone else, you dumbfuck. It’s dating. No capital letters required.

  41. But what if myself is a bad writer? What if myself likes to see conversations myself has had with myself in myself’s head written down on paper? What if myself is so enamoured with myself, myself can’t see myself’s multiple and deeply troubling issues? What if myself typed the word myself so many times it ceases to have any meaning? What would that mean for myself? And what if myself doesn’t currently have a deeply delicious boyfriend? Would myself have any meaning anyway? What’s the point of all this? Who the fuck knows?

    Myself. (Hah! Just kidding myself doesn’t know either!)

  42. WOW. Really thought the Modesto Strangler would stick around for the European craycation.

    Maybe the $ ran out faster than we thought.

    Or maybe some grifters hit a point where it ain’t worth it anymore…

    • I caught up with Ramshackle recently when Jacy mentioned it in a comment in a previous post, and even though I can’t necessarily relate to Jordo demographically, I have to say that I was impressed with the time and energy (and personality) she manages to put into it and what a stunning contrast that makes with Donkey’s output. How she ever got involved with Nonsociety in the first place I will never understand (and she must regret it immensely), but she has really gone from strength to strength since then. A lovely home, cute husband, darling baby, seemingly well-received blog, OMG sponsers — how it all must GALL A Donkey (and for that alone I wish her continued success.)

  43. Imma take back the credit I gave her for not mentioning her bf, since she’s now in the comments mentioning her boyfriend. Boyfriend.

    You almost had a sorta +1 there, you have to destroy EVERYTHING. Hey y’all, she’s not really a violent needy lunatic! She has a BOYFRIEND NOW THE LOVE OF HER LIFE FUCK ALL Y”ALL.

    • And she is experiencing the GREATEST LOVE THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN! Yes, a Middle East peace treaty is about to be signed because the entire world has been so moved by Julie & Debby’s rom-com shitbag cliched romance. She has never experienced anything like this before! Not with [REDACTED], not with Jack McCain, not with fill-in-the-blank, and not until she experiences it again sometime in 2014 with the ex-con working behind the counter at the Stockton, CA 7-11. Sometimes you just know when you know!

      • LOL. I’m totally high (on life) right now and that was funny. That’s probably the only chance we have for peace in the Middle East at this point, sadly.

        • He’s usually behind the counter in Modesto, but when Stockton has an employee emergency and needs a sub …

  44. Soooooo…. this was written: post-Pancakes dumping, mid/post-Burning Man post-coital implied photos with Nick Bilton, around when Greasy showed up for Fashion Week supposedly “at her request”, while she was tweeting memories of spending time in Korea town with David Karp and Charles Forman, and #whilst bar flirting and otherwise being gross FOR ALL THE GIRLS with Tucker Max? Where was she dating at all in that month (or even right before, because we know she was just pining for sweet, syrupy pancakes and spinning like crazy) to have been inspired to right/rite/Wright such an article? Plus, of all relationships (rather than the more recent “home they shared” that turned into “it’s over, get out kthx”) she discusses her forever-ago-in-comparison relationship with PK? Weird. There is something special about Julia claiming “it was X ago!” yet again and the lurvely, lurvely RBD archives which – with a quick click – tell you exaaaactly what a donkey was up to 18 months ago. GWURL.

    • I like how she says in the comments this piece was an ode to her youth, you know, when she was a needy freak, in the past. Her “youth” being during “Miss Advised” which was last year. A girl does a lot of growing up when a girl has a boyfriend for a year.

      • Yeah, and we have yet to see her having changed over years, so I’m going to assume her “defense” is meant for people who don’t know better (and who she’s hoping DON’T click over to RBD).

  45. OMG, why does Lena Dunham have a book deal, and this woman doesn’t? This is the best thing I’ve read since The Electric Kool-Aid Prom Dress or even The Bonfire of the Inanities! Her prose reminds me of that old song, “I’m gonna sit right down and write my selves a letter”, but done in a bold, new, kazoo-choir style with tons of reverb! Her voices deserve to be heard!

  46. That nightgown looks far too long and too big for NGMB. She was tiny and cute. Julia is not. I’m calling bullshit.

    • Agreed! But even if it is??!!? She is wearing her dead Grandmother’s nightgown! That is so creepy and gross. When my grandma passed away, I helped my dad clean out her house. I made a little pile of things I wanted to take with me as mementos of her. My dad put in that pile a box of what at first appeared to be sweaters, but when I got home and opened up I saw he had included – in what I can only attribute to a fit of grief – the contents of her underwear draw. I am shuddering again just writing this. It was beyond disturbing. I had my now huscat dispose of the box and we both swore to never talk of it again.

      The idea someone wearing her grandmother’s old lingerie is just too much for me to comprehend. Ew, Julie, ewww.

  47. I want the second comment to be sarcasm but I’m afraid it isn’t. 🙁

    tinywaves • 6 hours ago
    Your dog looks like a dog version of those draft snakes people put by their door. I dig it.

    Lacygirl tinywaves • 5 hours ago
    I watched her show just so I could see her dog. He would do the cutest stuff.

  48. OT but has anyone heard of Wild Belle? Anyone in Chicago see them live? Another Girl is racking up numbers on my ipod. (And please be kind if they’re not cool or new-I’m old-ha).

    • Haha! I saw them at the Empty Bottle like two years ago. Saw Natalie in Logan Square last year, she’s super pretty. wanted to say hi but didn’t.

      they’re touring Europe right now and playing Coachella in April.

      wait I just realized Julia will totes go to there this year. ugh.

      • Her voice is amazing-she’s Amy, Duffy with a twist of Beth Ditto-ish kind of hauntingly good. I was hoping to catch them in Chicago next month-donkey at Coachella-is that the kick of her grifting tour + matching crazy outfits + drugs?

  49. Donkey’s Alan mater just got embarrassed by Florida Gulf Coast–some kind of glorified community college–in the NCAA.

  50. My god, I laughed so hard for the last hour reading all these comments. This diary entry she wrote really brought out the best in the true writers here.

  51. God damn. Why is she still wearing Whitey Ghost Meemaw’s (long may she haunt) nightgown?

    Julie, I’ll kickstart you a new nightgown. Shit.

  52. @JuliaAllison: @unclesahm – lol, no. Because you went for an ad hom attack versus just not reading it. Feminists in my book support other women. Try it.

    So bitchy

  53. So once again Julie wrote nothing, merely digging out an old piece on her MacBook Air and recycling it on a blog just to say she was “published” again. And, Julie, 400 articles, my ass. The “Granny died so I could find love” article was the same damn article, published several times in different places. Of the 400 articles I’d bet there might be 200 originals, over a decade. And half of those were probably published in the Georgetown paper. So what “journalist” publishes on average maybe one piece per month, and then calls it a “career” as a “journalist?” WTF?

    • I’m a freelancer with 15+ yrs experience in journalism and I would guess I’ve had about 1,000 pieces published in 15 years, with thousands more I’ve edited. Even if her numbers are correct, that’s about 3 articles a month for ten years. And since we know that 99.9% of the stuff she “writes” is first-person narrative, it’s not like they should take forever to write. So she’s a “journalist” because she spends 6-10 hours a month writing, more or less, about her own life? (Every article of hers I’ve ever read has mememememe all over it, vs. real journalists who try to keep themselves out of it.)

      If spending 6-10 hours a month writing makes her a journalist, then I must be a world-class athletes because I walk five miles a day.

      • I totally picked the wrong line of work. I need some of this 6-10 hours per month work that would afford me a $6,200/month rented pad near the beach.

        I am clearly doing it wrong.

      • I’m a freelance writer as well and I cringe at the work she claims to be journalism. I remember an episode of Miss Advised where she confessed to her Elle editor over lunch that writing for her was very hard, and although the idea of being a writer appealed to her, she may not have chosen the right profession. Well, fucking duh. It’s called work for a reason, Donkey, and being a good writer is hard work. Hell, being just an average writer is hard work. You suck at life: you know it, we know it, everyone you associate with knows it. All the false bravado in the world won’t cover up that fact.

  54. Romance, Donkey-style:
    About an hour ago on Facebook … “D swept me up for a romantic surprise night here :-)” at the Standard. To which pervy Anne Lala comments, “sexy-time!”.
    30 minutes later Donkey is posting videos on Facebook. Tho romantic!

    I guess Debbie had to go back to scrubbing pans in The Standard’s kitchen and left Donks to have a romantic night to herself?

    • I wonder if her “men, if you’re getting engaged, don’t buy a diamond” Facebook status is directed at Debbie. She knows he’s getting cold feet and she will NOT let the expense of a diamond be the reason he gets away.

      • Devie can’t afford the usual rock she so richly deserves, so she’s laying the groundwork for when she gets something less than the amazing diamond she has always wanted.. that is if he even pops the question, which may or may not happen. We all make him out to be some dumb bastard, but the true test of his IQ is if he actually does pop the question during this European trip where they visit the crowd-sourced sites gathered from the few Twitter followers that aren’t fake.

      • I continue to suspect it’s also aimed at his parents. There they are in some double-wide in Modesto and their son is dating this empty-headed, shallow, pseudo jet-setter who never seems to do any work and has no known source of real income other than her parents or a trust fund. They’ve read her Facebook page where she talks about the four bedroom house they plan to find in San Francisco, how she flies off for a week in Boca Grande Florida just for a bachelorette party, and now their upcoming three week “spiritual” vacation in Europe. I seriously doubt they think Debbie can financially handle that kind of high maintenance lifestyle in the long run. And imagine for a moment their concern gets back to Donkey. I bet that all her posts during the past month about church and charity and now not needing an expensive diamond are all to try to convince them that, aw shucks, she’s just a regular down-to-earth gal.

        • We have a winner. As all of us longtime Donkologists know, there is ALWAYS an ulterior, boy-related motive behind her public posturings.

        • Can you imagine instead of living your life and being yourself, you are constantly putting on a new persona to convince someone that you are something?

          How exhausting it must be to be her.

  55. This just in! Can anyone assist intrepid ABC Long Island reporter Kristin Thorne? She apparently missed every single Catholic church sex scandal and slept through the Jerry Sandusky trial. (I’m just pleased the Donkey AND Debbie connection appears to be paying more attention to grammar, although punctuation is still something to be sneered at.)

    “Yesterday an assistant principal accused of sending inappropriate text messages to students — Today a principal accused of raping a young boy and a middle school gym teacher accused of putting a camera in the girl’s locker room. WHAT IS GOING ON??!”

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