Stage 5 Melodrama — Deep Thoughts By Jack Handey on Speed


The news must be grim in Wilmette because just as most normal and sane people do during harrowing times of looming family tragedy, Donkey has taken to Twitter to post a litany of deep thoughts, some of them coming within seconds of one another.

“There never was a moment, and never will be, when we are without the power to alter our destiny.” – Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

“Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes … How do you measure the life of a woman or a man?”

“In truths that she learned / in times that he cried / in bridges he burned / or the way that she died?”

“Measure in love. Measure your life in love …seasons of love.” I’ve listened to this for 15 years; the older I get, the more it resonates.

She’s THAT relative, isn’t she? The one who takes a death in the family and makes it all about her. One of my sisters went mental for two weeks when my father got sick and died, leaving me pretty much on my own dealing with arrangements, planning a service, handling my lunatic mother, etc. My mother also made it all about her when my grandmother died — no one was suffering the way she was suffering; the histrionics were off the charts even though she refused to cancel any of her tennis lessons or her daily hair blowout. And this is where we’re going with Donkey, folks. The wailing and keening is going to be epic, and it’s going to be all over Twitter and Facebook. Because she’s so classy and discreet that way.


  1. These quotations are so superficially “deep” that they’re the perfect way for Donkey to air her grief to the world.

    • Can’t she ever just shut her fucking piehole and/or her laptop and just go help her family and be a normal human being? I am sure they could use another adult to help make arrangements and figure shit out if the worst is happening. Instead she’s going to go completely fucking mental, make the entire ordeal about her, and bray about it publicly. You know she is. Poor Britt.

      • She could have been home five days ago instead of SXSW.

        A Donkey can’t have it both ways – not being at her Grandmother’s bedside when she needs her most to instead, bray about being a lazy couch surfer at SXSW AND the sad, sad grieving granddaughter.

        She really can hit new lows.

      • The idea that she would ever help with the arrangements is to laugh. A Donkey is going to make this all about her and it will be easier to ignore her and push her into her stall than engage with her.

        • I’m glad I read the replies because I was about to respond with “Her? An adult? It is to laugh.”

      • I know! When my grandmother died I was a fucking DISASTER due to the fact that she was the only grandparent I ever knew and, oh ya, I was 14. Despite my own internal meltdown, I locked that shit up in front of my mom, because I knew that as badly as I was feeling, she must be 100 times worse, since it was HER mom who had died. Dear christ I hope Julia isn’t this terrible and MEMEME when she arrives in Wilmette.

        • I would be surprised if it was otherwise, since Pettifogger isn’t so much for the emotion-showing, and Julia always steals all the psychic space from Britt.

      • Just imagine the Funeral Whore outfit she’s planning. I’m definitely seeing an OMG veil!

    • Not to be THAT GIRL who replies to herself, but I just CAN’T the donkey. I feel terrible for her that her grandmother seems to have died, mostly because I was always a fan of Nutty Granny Moneybags and don’t doubt that they shared a real connection.

      However, I think it’s so egregiously tacky to post any and all “deep” quotes that reference the female gender and/or the word death. What do the first and third ones even mean?? Is Julia trying to imply that NGM should have altered her life in some way? Honestly, the third one is too much for me to even begin to parse.

        • Q: Who seriously takes the time to notify the twitter community that they have to cut short their stupid, unnecessary vacation in order to go spend time with an ailing family member?
          A: Someone who wants people to admire her for being SO BRAVE and selfless.

          Q: Why does anyone need to know that shit?
          A: Because it means people will be thinking about her, worrying about her, because her life is just so hard right now.

          Q: How does she not see how ridiculously cheap and attention whoring that is?
          A: Because it gets attention, which is all that matters. In her mind she is envisioning herself as a tragedy-stricken heroine, dedicatedly taking to her granny’s side, looking devastated but brave with delicate tears dotting the slits that her eyes have become. She envisions everyone picturing her, Scarlet O’Hara style, a battered, poignant figure overwhelmed with personal tragedy, but determined to remain a strong, beautiful champion.

          As god is her witness, she will never go hungry again! (Once Granny’s will is divided up and she gets all that money she deserves for being such a precious and attentive granddaughter.)

          Seriously, she disgusts me.

      • I am surprised that the bland and sententious stylings of Ralph Marston have yet to make an appearance.

        • Or Marianne Williamson’s (whom she’s quoted before), “Prayer for The Dead”

          ‘Dear God,
          Please take the soul and spirit of this dear departed one into the sweetest corner of Your mind, the most tender place in Your heart, that she, and I, might be comforted.
          For now she has gone, and I pray, dear God, for the strength to remember she has not gone far.’

          etc, etc…

          (you’re welcome, Julie)

  2. As someone else mentioned in the previous post, no doubt Granny has been in the hospital ever since Julia changed her FB photo to one of her and Granny.

    • But that is how she always is (cf. doing Comic-Con instead of her maternal grandfather’s memorial). She was all OH WOE MY GRANDMOTHER and then she compartmentalized it to be all OH LOOK I AM SXSW TECHNOLOGY LADY ALSO NYPOST OP EDITORIALIST and now she flipped the switch back to Grieving Granddaughter Mode.

      This is why I think she has a really serious personality disorder rather than just being a selfish and stupid asshat.

    • I wonder if she offered to come home and they told her to go to SXSW knowing how completely useless and oxygen-sucking she’d be. Right? They seem NOT to want her around during family tragedies. She was not around for either of her maternal grandparents’ funerals. I think they want to keep her as far away as possible when grown-up things happen and grown-ups need to deal with them. She must be so proud she’s held in such high esteem by the people who know her best.

      • I think you are right about this – that they told her to go to SXSW – that said, I cannot tell if it’s their enabling behavior or that they know that in addition to dealing with a dying elder they will have to baby sit a manic Donkey.

        Also, her choice to go… one I do not agree with.

      • This. I have no doubt they encouraged her to stay away as long as possible. And I would also say that death can be strange, and people and families deal with it differently, but in this case, she was really close to NGM. She should have gone home. This wasn’t a grandparent that she didn’t have a relationship with.

      • I don’t know if anyone caught “Eastbound and Down” last night, but yeah. Julia == Kenny Powers.

        • It’s a fine line. A few years ago when my older brother only had a few weeks left due to his battle with AIDS, I left the country with my family’s blessing. He didn’t want me waiting by his bedside for him to finally die. And to be honest, neither did I. So I went on a little trip by myself and wasn’t there for the last few weeks of his life. I don’t have any regrets, yet loved him very much.

  3. I am truly sorry for the family if they have indeed lost the elder Mrs. Baugher. I am sure they will miss her.

    • Not to co-opt their tragedy (eww, how Julie of me), but I imagine that we will ‘miss’ her. She was the most genuinely fun and interesting thing Julia ever wrote about, even if most of Julia’s condescending ‘lol, isn’t my granny so quaint and addled?’ posts were likely embellished to make her appear more endearingly antiquated and precious.

      I just have a soft spot for sassy old broads, and Grandma Baugher seemed like quite the character.

      I’m actually really sad for their (presumed at this point?) loss. dudebrah lost his grandmother right before Christmas and it was agonizing for everyone. Doesn’t matter how old or past-expiration someone may be — the emptiness still resonates. There is no Restylame to fill the cracks left by the departure of a beloved matriarch.

    • Yeah, & the guy to whom she attributed the quote, the book author, I think the book is only ten years old (Handbag, correct me if I’m wrong) & the Rent lyrics about eight years old?

      I guess what Donkey means is that the voices she listens to in her ginormous head have been braying for 15 years.

        • I went back to what I’d looked at before, & the date I was drawing on (2005) obvs wasn’t the initial date — thanks for the heads-up, I stand corrected.

      • Yes, you are correct, Brayella. I was sent a special edition of The War of Art before the pub date (I don’t know how many were printed) and The Donkified should know that the cover of it was A MIRROR.

        Julia, it was MIRROR, ho.

  4. My sister is ‘that relative’. We call her Debbie Downer. She just LOVES to be the bearer of bad news. Always wants to be the first one to tell you that someone has died. It’s like she gets off on it. It’s creepy.

    • I ended a friendship with a woman like that. Every week her parents were dying and there was much melodrama and you were an asshole for starting to doubt it by the 14th or 15th week. That was 15 years ago. They’re still alive.

    • Always wants to be the first one to tell you that someone has ___

      I have had someone like that in my life who considers herself to be the town crier of sorts, & when asked about someone she doesn’t know any actual current details on, she doesn’t let a lack of facts shut her up, she just makes up shit on the spot … her pathological lying got so bad as to be damaging to people’s careers, mental well-being, overall reputations, etc., that I finally cut her out of my life. From that experience, I’m now somewhat suspicious of people who present their speculations as fact.

    • That’s my best friend’s brother. Nobody will hear from him for months, literally, and then he’s right there at 8am (and it’s ALWAYS 8am, never a reasonable hour) to deliver the bad news first. I didn’t know this was A Thing. He’s always been like that. He completely disappears when there’s something to celebrate (a wedding, a baby, a new job). He was always a weirdo but a functional one, and now I’m starting to think he’s a bit of a psychopath.

      • There is an old US slang term for this–“crepehanger”. It refers to the days when the front door of a house in mourning would be draped with black crepe fabric. My grandma and great-aunt would shake their little blue heads at how much some of their fellow olds enjoyed being a crepehanger.

    • Oh yes, Dr. Gary. I have one of those. She will camp out at the hospital of a relative she’s never met, or someone she’s barely acquainted with, and is in essence a professional in the bereavement department. I’ve seen her take under her wing at least half-a-dozen families who had suffered some tragedy, only to vanish from their lives when their behavior (meaning the power of their emotions, I suppose) became less severe. I have lots of theories about such people, being that I am in no way a mental health professional, but with her it will suffice to say that she has to dwell on the extreme edge of the emotional and psychological spectrum in order to feel anything at all, and to calm the narrative in her head.

      I adore this person, by the way, and I am absolutely the opposite of an emergency room groupie. I always want everyone to be peaceful and level and healthy and sane and funny, and then slightly drunk. That is ALL I need, but I love her just the same and feel deep compassion for her.

    • It’s an attention issue too. I imagine she’ll use this to get out of deadlines. In fact, I imagine she’s one of those people who has told multiple bosses/professors that NGM has already died multiple times in the past.

  5. “There never was a moment, and never will be, when we are without the power to alter our destiny.”

    Sick, sick, sick. Fuckin dollar sign eyeballz. Fucking SOCIOPATH. If you had the power to alter your destiny, WHY ARE YOU STILL AN UNWED DONKEY AT 31?!??

    ““Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes … How do you measure the life of a woman or a man?””

    Sick sick sick. Did you not see the last post where we discussed how uncouth it is to talk about dollars? Now you are estimating down to the dollar her life worth by how much she is leaving you? Oh, “minutes” you say.. right.. minutes. right.. ..

    “Measure in love. Measure your life in love …seasons of love.” I’ve listened to this for 15 years; the older I get, the more it resonates.”

    No shit, life is lonely in your 30s ain’t it, ya old maid. I hope your money gives you lots of hugs.

  6. sort of off topic, but the Donkey in my real life (we’ll call her Burro for the purposes of telling this story) is just like “THAT relative” – in December, the Burro’s occasional make out buddy died suddenly. This was very sad, but it is important to note that the Burro and the deceased had never successfully had sex because he was impotent, never went on dates besides meeting for a drink, only hooked up during two 1-one month long periods of time (november 08 and july 10) over the span of two years.. then he’d break it off, and the Burro would go crazy and send him angry emails and letters.. occasionally she’d go out and “accidentally” run into him a bars (i’m so convinced she set up these accidental encounters) and she’d have a dramatic fight with him. he told her numerous times that he didn’t want anything to do with her, and she was a stalker… when he died they were not speaking.

    so in december, he died. for a day or so he was on life support, and she basically held court in his hospital room, inviting myself and other friends to go visit her, visiting him, at the hospital (as the sane rational people that we are today, we graciously declined this invitation). what infuriates me the most is that she has weaseled her way into his family and given them an incorrect view of their “relationship,” when he is no longer here to speak for himself..

    even now, she posts stuff about him on Facebook at least once every couple of days. it is really crazy and has led me to cut off contact.. she had done strange shit before this, but this was really the end for me.

    • Sorry I didn’t read all the comments before I mentioned the person in my life who camps out in hospital rooms.

      I know exactly what you’re talking about here. It’s like the plot of ‘While You Were Sleeping,’ but without the charm or glibness or hilarious opening scene where an ice skater takes a header at Rockefeller Center.

    • When I was 16 one of my good friends was murdered, and it was kind of a big story in our area for a while. I was absolutely outraged at all of these ‘friends’ that suddenly came out of the woodwork wailing and wringing their hands… to be interviewed on TV. Some of the worst offenders were a couple of girls (sisters, no less) who suddenly played up their relationship with him as they sobbed and told the story of their ill-fated love(s), cut too short by his tragic death.

      “I didn’t realize he was in love with me, until now, if I’d only known I might have been with him that night, and he wouldn’t have been alone to be beaten and stabbed and left to die on that bike path! Now he is dead and I will always treasure our love that never had a chance to be!”

      Um, no, you dumb trick. You accepted his invitation to prom, but only after he agreed to buy your dress, shoes, and rent a limo, then you spent the whole night dancing with/making out with multiple other guys after telling him that you didn’t feel ‘that way’ about him. Then you avoided him for weeks after because you said his affection made you ‘uncomfortable’ and he was ‘stalking’ you. He’s fucking dead, that is the real tragedy, not this bizarre love story you’ve spun to make his death all. about. you.

      Sorry to vent, but your story reminded me of that incident, and somehow I can see Julia pulling something like that.

      • Your story brings to mind something that happened when a BFF of mine committed suicide …

        Someone who’d previously been a friend to her & her husband, (who, when she got re-married, lied to them about an invitation to her wedding [“It’s in the mail, I promise! But you can’t get in w/out it!”] & then proceeded to dodge face-time w/ them at gatherings of mutual friends) was suddenly all about reaching out to the widower with her advice on how to cope, basically making it about her & the time she’d lost her 1st husband (actually an ex-husband at the time he died, because she’d fucked around on him while they were married) …

        It was sickening to me & quite a few others, & later, my BFF’s husband told me how the hypocrisy of it all really taunted him when he’d finally taken time to think about it, because he felt like it was a just a vehicle for her to remind people that she was once a bereaved widow (except that she really wasn’t).

        I’m sorry that you lost your friend in such a horrific way.

  7. I can confirm that her grandmother has been sick for some time. She went to SXSW anyway.

      • She of course has been using her grandmother’s grave illness to generate sympathy for herself (total sociopath move — sympathy is like air for them) throughout SXSW. What was really disturbing was how she managed to make it about how AWFUL it was for HER to have to cut short her trip and change her flight to get home to her grandmother’s deathbed.

          • Well, considering Donkey is surely creaming her too-tight jeans at the thought of inheriting Granny’s pearl collection…

        • What was really disturbing was how she managed to make it about how AWFUL it was for HER to have to cut short her trip and change her flight to get home to her grandmother’s deathbed.

          Of course, because that makes her SO BRAVE. So dedicated and caring and sacrificing.

          Fuck her. I hope she slips and breaks her back in a puddle of AIDS.

      • Donkey couldn’t leave sxsw to be with Granny. What about her talk?? There were at least four people wanting to take in all of her brilliance while watching her pick her scalp and pull her hair.

  8. OT, but just to let you know MMBH and Donkey exchanged a tweet each with one another yesterday, the passive aggressiveness gave me the lollies.

      • MMBH’s tweet seems to suggest that they encountered ona another at a Bravo party. Though it also seems that Mary did go into the devil’s layer Gawker party.

    • Mary: Saw Julia a couple nights ago at the Bravo party. I’m excited to see her new show! Went to check in on NonSociety and this [Cisco digital cribs] video is headlining the front page. If you watch it, you’ll now see that what Julia says at the end came true. (Honestly, many things Julia said back in those days has become a reality.) On a personal level, this seems like a lifetime ago. Wow how life has changed. (And thankfully my hair as well.)

      So…Julia predicted the demise of TV and is currently filming a reality show for TV, and she also wanted to interact with her audience by deleting all their comments?

  9. I’ve found her antics entertaining through the years, but this is truly beyond the pale. True narcissism in it’s most offensive form.

  10. OT- saw this made me think of Jacy/CDB.[img][/img]

    • See: “Donkey’s Whole Life Is A Series of Lies, Exaggerations and Obfuscations”
      Posted on February 8, 2012 by Jacy “Donk” LaRue

  11. I found this little twitter exchange amusing:

    StephanieGeorgopulos ‏ @omgstephlol
    julia allison getting published again proves that even if you stop talking about it, it will not go away

    Choire Sicha ‏ @Choire
    @omgstephlol SHH. I THOUGHT WE ALL AGREED.

    • a few others:

      margiecakes ‏
      An great retort to the idiotic Julia Allison op-ed in the NYPost. One needn’t be from NY (or feminist) to be appalled.

      Michael Roston ‏
      + 10 RT @omgstephlol: julia allison getting published again proves that even if you stop talking about it, it will not go away

      Jake Fogelnest
      @katespencer I’ve never understood why I was supposed to dislike this Julia Allison person. NOW I KNOW! Totally get it now. BARF CITY!

      Mildred Fierce ‏
      @sleep2dream Not surprised it was Julia Allison.

      melissanoble ‏
      Julia Allison’s NY Post article is the most horrifyingly shallow thing I’ve read in 2012. That’s saying A LOT!

      Vadim Rizov ‏
      I’m not going to link to it, but Julia Allison has written a new piece, and oh man. She’s still “got it.” It’s too easy, but man.

      claire howorth ‏
      @nickrizzo @JillFilipovic funny how julia allison was 21 in 2003 and 22 in 2006. wish i aged like that.

      Meg Robertson ‏
      Um, I’ll leave this one alone. “Every woman comes to New York to be Carrie.” via @JuliaAllison…

      Brandon B Werner ‏
      @ChiaraAtik my nerdy response to that thing:
      ohhoe said: Did you really expect anything less from someone so fame starved as Julia Allison?

      and then this little fucker
      Adrien Field ‏
      Love your story in the Post @JuliaAllison – so true about NYC v Cali lifestyle:

      • what about this one?
        Rubina Madan Fillion ‏ @demetria23
        Two Carrie Bradshaw-wannabes, including @juliaallison, left New York when they realized it isn’t like Sex and the City.

        @demetria23 – that’s not really the reason – I left because I wanted a different life.

        wow, sure punked us, julia allison! here we thought the REASON was what you explicitly expounded upon in your article, but ACTUALLY it was something else altogether! shame on the reader for taking what you wrote at face value!

        • Classy of her to engage of twitter fights in the middle of such tragedy. Always a score to settle. Even on her grandmothers death bed

          • But Shamoolia, she was inside!

            Inside the hospital room, inside her own head, inside her ongoing battle w/ the truth …

            What. A. Cunt.

        • I’ve never seen anyone w/ less courage to stand by their own so-called convictions than this chameleonic colonic donkey — the smoke she blows up her own raft-ass even exceeds the smoke left behind from all the bridges she’s burned.

        • here we thought the REASON was what you explicitly expounded upon in your article

          psst, Prof!
          She meant it at the time.

        • More like ‘needed’ a new life. Since daddy wasn’t going to pay rent anymore, she needed a ‘new life’ where she could live off others who were paying rent instead.

          Sort of related, I was listening to a radio show last weekend called something like “That’s What You Say” and it is a linguistic competition of some kind, kind of like “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me!” but about words/semantics rather than politics. Anyway, they were asking competitors about the fine differences between words, and the theme was related to scams/cons. They discussed the difference between a ‘con’ and a ‘grifter.’ The fine difference — which I appreciated hearing about — is that a grifter tricks you in such a way as to get you to offer up your money/services without asking. A very interesting distinction, the kind we see put in action when Julia does things like crowdsourcing while hoping someone will hook her up.

          I just thought I would share, since I found it interesting.

        • Feel free to relax! That was one day ago, nobody even remembers that editorial…um, err, oops.

  12. She also tweeted these backwards so they’d show in order when you looked at her page vs a feed. Psyho donkey is psycho.

    • Ah! That is the little tiny piece of sand of truth in the Donkey lying. So Intel might buy the shitshow for their streaming TV thing (as usual, probably because they want to cultivate Blondie Girl and Relativity Real, not because they think that a show about some gaggle of superficial sad dot com ladies desperately trying to find husbands is so great) and somehow A Donkey parlays that into her becoming Intel’s spokesmodel?

      This is just like the time she was going to have her own show on the Oprah network! Or her blockbuster book contract!

      • Yup, you nailed it. And it’s my understanding that she used that “Intel contract” to obtain some pretty sweet swag and invitations at SXSW. What a surprise.

    • Intel WebTV will be watched by tens… perhaps dozens of people.

      When I think compelling online media, I think of a company with zero history of producing, distributing or marketing online content.

  13. Reposted from the last entry because I just noticed this entry…

    How do I say this delicately…. does Granny = $100k? And she needs a better explanation for it?

    • That ran through my mind too, but I didn’t (still don’t) quite know how to articulate it …

      Like maybe she’s just laying groundwork to explain away the inheritance that she’s already spending in her mind? Except she named a company … she isn’t afraid of being proven a liar later?

    • Oh, I would think more or less; she has always seemed quite well-fixed financially. On the other hand, Julia and Britt (I just discovered his full legal first name is Britton thanks to the Google, somehow I had missed that) apparently have an aunt and three first cousins, so no matter how big her estate is going to be it will be divided up among several people.

      This reference to GMB cracked me up.

      • I was Googling to see if an obituary had been posted–I know, it’s grim and morbid! But I spent a couple of months on the obituary desk myself, so–and came across the elder Mr. Baugher’s obituary, which is where I got the info above.

        I was also interested to see that the elder Mr. Baugher was apparently Catholic. That somehow didn’t fit in with my concept of Pettifogger’s childhood.

        • Sorry, I did get that, though I see why my muddlepost looks like I didn’t. I had moved on to crass speculation about the size of A Donkey’s potential inheritance.

      • WTF? That sounds like psychological warfare!


        • HERE is who was writing about GMB

          THE WORRY CLINIC by Dr. George Crane
          His articles consistently emphasized the use of logic in approaching life and solving problems. However, the logic presented in his columns was often unorthodox. As an example, in an article entitled,”Why Men are Superior to Women,” Crane offered the argument in support of his thesis, “How many women have you heard about, [sic] who were shepherds?”

        • “Tests for Husbands and Wives”??? from some newspaper quack doctor? no wonder julia is so hung up on her parents’ “perfect marriage”. her grandparents scored 113, which is very superior!

          • Did you catch the part in the article about ‘arranged marriages’? Sort of puts in perspective (assuming there’s an iota of truth to it) that on her death bed, GMB is still trying her damndest to hook a donkey up to her own version of life support, ie: ‘a man’.

      • “Music is the only thing in which you cannot say a mean or sarcastic thing…”

        Tell that to Skinny Julia, who hates your girlfriend, and TSwift, while you’re at it.

    • I think maybe Intel did a $$$$ deal with the network, which has been Miss Appropriated in the telling

  14. You know, I now realize why Julia is so reluctant to disclose when a tweet is an ad. It’s not that she knows that sponsored tweets are sad and tacky. Far from it. Her actual reason for not disclosing is that the sponsored tweets are so interesting and profound compared to her usual content that she wants to take full credit for them.

  15. Regarding the Intel thing – if they buy the show, unless she’s a member of SAG or AFTRA, she wouldn’t be entitled to anything. Bravo is probably selling the show to offset the cost of producing it. If she’s a member of a Union, she would get a fee per show but that fee would hardly total $100k – maybe if it was a major network but not being run on Intel.

    • & were she a member of SAG or AFTRA, wouldn’t she have access to insurance & veterinarian care?

      • You’re right, she’s not a member of either and I’m guessing Relativity and Blondie Girl are not signatories of either. Makes this whole thing odder.

      • She might be? She was tweeting about whether she should join SAG, AFTRA or both about a year ago.

        • I think they would require her to pay dues. And Julie Albertson is not a fan of paying for anything.

          • Dadser would pay it for her in a heartbeat. I fee that could possibly mean his daughter might be able to support herself sometime soon? Done and done.

          • I heard Jon Hamm say that his girlfriend lent him the $1000 to get his SAG card, and that was 15 years ago. It’s got to be up to at least $2-$3K now, if not $5K. I don’t see Julie paying that.

      • They would never recoup the production costs – if it’s really bad they will “burn it off” – meaning air it in a shitty time slot where it’s not expected to launch another program. They’ll let it die but still get the ad revenue from commercials.

        This is my guess… I could be wrong. If Intel really wants to come on strong with programming and Bravo wants to dump it, it could be a legit scenario.

      • They would never recoup the production costs – if it’s really bad they will “burn it off” – meaning air it in a shitty time slot where it’s not expected to launch another program. They’ll let it die but still get the ad revenue from commercials.

        This is my guess… I could be wrong. If Intel really wants to come on strong with programming and Bravo wants to dump it, yours could be a legit scenario.

    • I thought she did become a member of SAG or something else along those lines awhile ago…
      I vaguely recall her becoming a member of an acting committee around the time of her Oprah contract.

      • You have to log a certain amount of hours per quarter, if you don’t, you will still technically be in SAG but your benefits will be terminated.

        I doubt the prod. company making this is SAG signatory so she will most likely not get benefits.

  16. Sad that Julia will be missing out. Today, the SXSW Large Douche Collider brought together balding Julia, beer fart guru Tucker Max, America’s greatest athlete Lewis Howes, a photographer and some writerly character hopped up on Haysus, plus the guy who helps Dov pick out nekkid shopgirls for AA’s advertising or whatever it is the AA marketing manager does:

    Julia Price ‏ @JuliaPriceMusic
    Austin’s #1 hotspot “@chasejarvis: Kicking it @tuckermax ‘s place w @lewishowes @juliapricemusic @ryanholiday @mikeyanderson. #qualitypeeps

  17. I wonder if deep down a Donkey is furious at her Grandmother for upstaging her while she was clomping around SXSW.

  18. OT, am I the only one who gets a little thrill when I discover a fellow basement-dwelling cat lady on Twitter? The signs can be subtle. The use of the word “service-y”, for example. Well, that was the one I discovered today. I just get all tingly when I see something like that.

  19. I shouldn’t have expected anything else, but I was hoping that Julia wouldn’t be doing this:

    My little brother flew in from Boston tonight, our dad picked both of us up from the airport & took us to the hospital to see our Grandma.
    2:24 AM – 13 Mar 12 via Echofon · Details

    My Grandmother’s first words to me? “If I had known you were coming, I would have baked a cake!”
    2:26 AM – 13 Mar 12 via Echofon · Details

    The hospice nurse comes in to check on my (wannabe matchmaker) Grandma, who says to me – no less than 5x – “Does she have a son?! Find out!”
    2:29 AM – 13 Mar 12 via Echofon · Details

    She really misses out on life, doesn’t she.

    • Vile, vile, vile.

      Just as expected, blasting her family’s very private and personal business all over the internet. And you wonder why people don’t like you, Julie? It’s EXACTLY this kind of thing.

      What’s next? Tweeting out photos of your Grandmother on her death bed? Please, for the love of GOD, do NOT do this. I am begging you.

      • I’m looking forward to the “live” tweeting of the funeral service, sponsored by Intel.

        • Yeah, that was pretty… different. And when she died, Kasey Kultureless (nee Carter) posted some obituary-type post calling her grandmother “the ultimate diva” or somesuch.

          • I think it was matriarch, not diva. Oops? #sofat #sosorry

    • Love how all the tweets are about her, and not how nice it is spending time with her grandma.

      Unless the conversation is about herself or a meal ticket all Julia hears is white noise.

    • Good to hear that Granny is still alive, kicking and still hoping against hope that her granddaughter can land a man.

      • Haiku Contest

        Money after death
        Creates so much happiness
        It’s all for the best

        Inheritance could
        Mean no more need for wallets
        Husband hunt over

        • If I had a pillow,
          I’d smother in the morning,
          I’d smother in the evening,
          now I won’t need a maaaan

          Oh show me where the plugs at,
          Show me where the stairs are,
          I’m not leaving this place here,
          without a new car.

          If you think I’m heartless
          If you think I’m a gold digger
          Oh well the last words she’ll hear
          are “GUESS WHAT? I’M MARRRYING A ******”!

    • I suppose it’s possible her father wanted to pick them up, etc. But, when my grandparents have been dying at various times, it was a cab from the airport for me. No need to pull my parents away from the situation at hand – and if they did have down time, I’d rather them have spent it trying to sleep or rest or do anything that isn’t driving to the airport. That’s just me.

      • Pettifogger strikes me as the kind of guy who needs Things To Do during stressful times, because it’s easier for him to take concrete actions than sit with his emotions. I have sympathy for that, as I am somewhat the same way.

        • I get that, in a sense. When my mom died, I had crazy adrenaline & couldn’t sit still; when my dad died, I was like that again, ’til I crashed & couldn’t move.

          Thing is, it well well have made GMB feel better to know that they were being picked up by him, because he was doing something for her.

    • Wow.

      Next up: looking for the intern who will “polish up” a few twitter print outs into that romantic comedy script she always wanted to have written.

      • and mine the rich, rich lode of bon mots and anecdotes that is Julia Allison’s “favorites” Tweets, all of which she wrote herself.

    • “The hospice nurse comes in to check on my (wannabe matchmaker) Grandma, who says to me – no less than 5x – “Does she have a son?! Find out!”

      Hospice = things are not looking good
      Repeating herself = isn’t granny’s dementia SO SO SO ADORABLE!! SHE’S STILL TRYING TO FIND ME A MAN! TEE HEE HEE!

      • Having been at the side of a dying family member, this is very reactivating for me.

        Those last days and hours so incredibly personal, and raw, and intimate. And, yes, nonsensical and repetitious things are said, but that is a part of the dying process; a process that should be honored and cherished and…and…sorry I can’t go on. You get the idea. (lays head down on the table)

    • “Hahaha! Granny’s dying but still talking about me getting a boyfriend! Oh Granny, please talk about me some more! Me, me, me. Say things about ME so I can tweet them!” Julia, you are the foulest of pigs.

    • Not to rain on the Granny parade but maybe if the adult women in JA’s life hadn’t raised her to believe that she is nothing without a man, JA would be slightly less vile. But both her mom and her Gran are constantly trying to hook her up with a guy, any guy OMG TIME IS RUNNING OUT!!!!!!! I can see how that might twist up her psyche a tiny bit.

      • While I agree in theory, it might not come from a place of “without a man you are incomplete” and more of a place of “our daughter is mentally retarded and needs a full time caretaker and financial support system”

          • OMG, it would be JUST like what happened in “In Her Shoes”!! To Cameron Diaz! Who she would look exactly like if she were tall and blonde and attractive and athletic!!

    • Enough with the “little brother” crap. It’s so insulting. She’s honestly his “little sister” at this point, mentally and developmentally.

    • i cant believe i woke up to this. by cant believe, i mean i really should know better but wow her lows get lower and lower.

  20. “Measure your life in love…seasons of love” = post a Facebook album of every dude you’ve ever banged

  21. I just…I can’t. The internet is her only friend. I had a friend who deactivated FB after losing a child in utero. The last thing I wanted to do when my grandmother died 4 years ago was, well, pretty much ANYTHING besides be with family and be devastated. The fact that her first inclination is to go post a bunch of stupid meaningless crap on twitter…why? So she can get faux sympathy from purchased followers? Meh, why am I even surprised anymore. Anything to get attention. She’s so maudlin and gross.

  22. Some supposed JA fan left a long, polite comment on her Facebook wall pointing out, sweetly, all that was fucked up about her New York Post article. It was intelligent and kind; it got into the pointlessness of going anywhere looking for man to solve your problems/bring you wealth. It had all sorts of “likes.” Donkey killed it out, of course. What an asshole.

    • My reaction to this keeps going back and forth between “I can’t BELIEVE she deleted the one critical comment”/”of COURSE she did”.


    • Darn…I saw that too and meant to copy and paste it over here yesterday. I don’t think it was just a fan; I think it’s someone she knows which makes killing it extra lame. Does she think people won’t notice? I wonder that a lot with donkey. Does she honestly think people won’t notice.

      • I think she honestly does think people won’t notice. Her constantly failing upwards contributes to this pathology. Each time she gets an opportunity, she thinks she got away with it or that it wasn’t that bad.

      • It was someone she knows. The woman started out the comment with “Julia, I love you. I honestly do. But….”

        • How sad and pathetic. Free speech killer strikes again. She truly is deluded thinking she is purifying her (facebook!) image. She really does believe she has fans she has to shield from any negative criticism.

          I’m honestly surprised she didn’t just weasel out of it by saying “well, it’s the ny post! they wanted something controversial so I gave them something. feel free to relax, I didn’t mean it LITERALLY”

  23. She is literally live tweeting her grandmother’s death. And sorry to repeat what’s been said above, but she’s making it about her. ME ME ME ME ME!!

    She’s not sending updates to interested and caring family members. She’s blasting a moment by moment update of her grandmother’s demise to the world.

    She continually finds ways to outdo herself.

    I understand that her parents are normally powerless to control her behavior or stop her from doing things she wants to do. But isn’t this a case where Mama Baugher or Petey can lay down the law? Are there other relatives, maybe cousins or someone, who would step in and say something? Put down your cell phone you spoiled, ungrateful, vile piece of crap!

  24. My little brother flew in from Boston tonight, our dad picked both of us up from the airport & took us to the hospital to see our Grandma.
    2:24 AM – 13 Mar 12 via Echofon · Details

    This tweet sounds like a kindergartner’s first attempt at writing a complete sentence.

    • Look, sorry your grandmother is dying but NO ONE CARES. Besides your friends/family who don’t need to be notified via twitter. Holy shit!

      I honestly think this shit is worse than “I was inside” bullshit.

  25. I brought this on myself, obviously, but last night I dreamed of JA. I was in a large, old building where kites were being made by local artists, including Kenneth the Page. The walls were decorated with big abstract canvases and antique mirrors, and out of nowhere Hairy Julia appeared, took a stool from one of the craft tables, and planted it in front of a mirror, where she proceeded to sit with her face very close to her own reflection, studying her grief. I told Kenneth I thought I ought to go say something, but when I got there all I could do was mumble, “Yikes. Wow, sorry about your grandmother. But look at you sitting here mvndkghkflskdjfkd,” then I wandered outside and tested a prototype paper airplane in the shape of an eagle.

    • We know where a narcissistic Donkey sitting in front of a mirror practicing expressions of grief comes from … now, do you suppose that the paper airplane (every kid’s toy at one time or another) comes from Donkey infantilizing her brother & that the eagle comes from GMB being such a majestic old bird?

      I especially like the abstract canvasses & antique mirrors … they reflect (see what I did there?) Donkey’s distorted perception of herself & her living in the past, trying to recapture a faded glory that never really existed.

      • When I woke up the first thing I thought was, “I hope Granny has flown.” Having been at the bedside of the dying on four different occasions, once that order is sealed death can’t come fast enough.

        I never much cared for the woman (or at least what JA presented of her) and felt — as Stalker said above — that much of the creepy, retrograde pathology about women in that family probably began with her, I still hope she isn’t suffering and gets out of this world before her fucking nightmare of a granddaughter makes an even bigger fool of her by live-Tweeting her end.

        • Maybe the ‘eagle’ was a subtle nod to ‘extinction’ that came about as a result of the Bald Julia mentions? 🙂

          once that order is sealed death can’t come fast enough.

          There you go, THAT is what I couldn’t put into words when reading comments wishing her to get better … I just hope that her transition is peaceful & comfortable for her … in other words: DONKEY, STFU!

        • come on! That’s not fair. Nutty Granny likes pancakes and the Pancake House in Wilmette. That is awesome!

          • There’s been a fair shayer / share / Cher of GMB critique around these parts, & I rather admire that Handbag, unlike a donkey who changes her 4-legged stance depending on which way the scent of money is blowin’, is sticking to her guns.

        • Some unpopular (or at least politically incorrect) sentiments in there, but I largely agree. Sure, Granny is a harmless old sweet lady, but if you dig deeper there is some fucked up shit going on there. Not to mention a fixation on some outdated and unproductive views.

  26. As Jacy mentioned, Donks killed out a reply on her FB from the person who gently gave her a hard time. And then there’s this:

    ulia Allison Well … the reason I love LA is because I live near the beach and I can walk my dog and ride my bike outdoors all winter. I also adore my roommate Julia. That said, I don’t see myself living there permanently – I would love to move to the Bay area … maybe in a year or so. We’ll see what happens. 🙂

    • Because she can walk her dog outdoors all winter? That’s funny, I live in New York and still manage to walk my dog every day all year long. Because, you know, she’s a dog and needs to go for walks, and I am a responsible pet owner.

      • LOL! Like she walks her dog. That’s funny.

        Also LOL she’s gonna move again in a year. Because she loves LA SOOO MUCH! So much better than NYC though she wants to flee in a year. Mmm kay.

      • Yes, that was a really unfortunate slip on her part. Shitty, shitty, donkey.

        And maybe it’s just my household, but my dog LOVES cooler weather. She gets an extra bounce in her step when the weather turns chilly each year.

        • My dog too. She hates rain and will pee on the sidewalk rather than put her precious paws on wet grass. But she LOVES snow. She would frolic around in it all day if she could.

      • Ride your bike all year? Donkey, people still bike in NYC in the winter. Weirdly enough, the west side bike path still exists from November – March, and people still need to get to and from the desk from which they will do errands.

    • Julia Allison ‏ @JuliaAllison
      I’ve finally found a place I don’t want to leave.
      3:02 PM – 4 Dec 11 via Echofon · Details

    • Yes, when Bravo stops letting you live in their tv set/apartment for free, you’ll have to move on.


    • Yet more Kindergarten Show & Tell Essays? “The reason I like cupcakes is because they taste good and they sometimes come in pink frosting!”

      Jesus H. Keyrist….

      Oh and Donkey, you do not want to move to the Bay Area. We have a strong tradition of free speech here, you wouldn’t like it.

    • Uh, I live in Chicago and my dog gets walked four times a day, everyday, if he’s not at daycare. So does everyone else’s dog. I wouldn’t even call myself particularly hardy when it comes to cold either since I grew up in California. Holy shit, what a dumb donkey.

    • I love the tell too “I can walk my dog all winter.” Because all winter in NYC or Chicago she didn’t walk her. What a shitty fucking dog owner.

    • “I love LA is because I live near the beach ” her parents have a large private beach, her parents condo in Chicago overlooked Millennium park, the lake (plethora of public beaches), Chicago Yacht Club, and a whole bunch of other goodies. A lying Donkey always lies. Fuck her seriously.


      • NO KIDDING. That’s literally across the street from her parents’ OMG downtown condo. And Jesus, it’s not like you’re snowed in during the winter. They shovel the sidewalks. Just put on a parka and get on with it.

  27. donk, everyone knows you don’t measure a life in minutes as the rent lyrics (really?!) might suggest. you measure a life in how many non-narcissistic grandchildren you can produce!

          • Oh sorry to hear that, Albie. Did you at least get an open one or did you have to suffer in the old-school claustrophobia containers?

          • The MRI was for my wrist, which has been hurty like whoa, so it wasn’t anything emergencyish.

            It’s just that you have to go at the crack of dawn, which is not my best time of day (HAHAHAHAH understatement) and then they clamped my already-hurty wrist into a little box and I had to lie motionless in a tube for 45 minutes. Also took two Xanax with my breakfast because hello motionless in a tube and it has just addled my brain, so after I got home I went all Nancy Drew trying to figure out who Donkerina’s first cousins (whom she NEVER mentions, does she?) might be.

          • I hope you’re feeling better soon, Albie! In case this may be of help, a while back I had tendonitis in my wrist and went to multiple doctors and even a Chinese herbalist and a chiropractor seeking relief. Nothing helped until I managed to see a sports medicine orthopedic surgeon who prescribed one of these.

            Completely immobilizing the thumb seemed to be the key to allowing the wrist to heal.

          • Albie: She has mentioned being at various cousins’ weddings over the years. I think she was even banned from posting pictures from those wedding on her blog. In other words, the entire extended family knows she’s a lunatic.

        • I too am fascinated by the family tree. There are some Cummins in the mix. One of them is a highly respected prof at Dawson College in Montreal. He’s got a PhD in fucking clinical psychology!! And he is either an uncle or a cousin. Imagine that.

  28. Where’s Lilly again? Back in LA being cared for by Toilet Julia?

    We now know Julia knew she would have to make this “unexpected” visit to Chicago. I wonder if Toilet Julia was aware of how long she would be playing dog sitter.

      • Doesn’t Flusher do a performance on Wednesday afternoon?

    • I doubt that Donkey truly had a return-to-CA flight for later in the week, next week, whenever, & unless she who never reads here posts a fauxto of such a ticket, I’m sticking w/ that notion. She had wallets to pursue & hints to drop & then, only then, could she be bothered to attend to important family matters.

      Lilly was no doubt foisted on unsuspecting neighbors.

  29. WooHoo! I’m loving the new RBD footer, or shall we say ‘hoofer’ ?

    The death panel needs an OT diversionary laugh, & our favorite pocket gay brings it:

    “…the television played a loop of Deep Throat, that 70′s smut classic. One sight of that woman’s menacing bush was enough to remind me forever that I am gay …”

    I had to laugh — his trauma at seeing lady bits is downright palpable.

  30. I think I found another cat lady, it’s redonkulous lol [img][/img]

  31. if NGMB is really leaving this mortal coil, she didn’t live to see the one thing she wanted to – her “favorite” (cough cough) granddaughter married….

    • This is the new look apparently. It’s like they are all on steroid treatments with puffy face side effects. Has anyone seen Joan Allen in Luck? She’s had bowling balls implanted in her cheeks.

      • Judd actually looks like she is on steroids–the candids photos show how red her face is as well as puffy. I hope she isn’t ill, because I kind of like her despite her not-so-vast range as an actor.

        • I met her a few years ago and she looked beautiful, if not 100% natural. I just can’t get over anyone thinking this looks better than some wrinkles!

  32. I have been disgusted and mortified watching Julia Allison on Bravo’s new series Miss Advised. As of yet, I’m tied as to which episode was the most cringe worthy. To begin with, there was that poor man lured into her apartment where Julia shamelessly attacked him for an unsolicited kiss. For some reason unbeknownst to me, and probably many other viewers, Julia was the only person who didn’t understand that he was definitely NOT INTERESTED!!! Julia’s behavior was pathetic, artificial and incredibly aggressive (which for some unknown reason Julia finds this quirk endearing). It was actually so uncomfortable to watch at one point I turned the channel until the spectacle was over. Then there was poor William. Julia rents a limo, plans an over the top SECOND DATE, and utilizes a Hail Mary pass by trying to get the guy drunk so she can corner him to one side of the limo and force an awkward kiss! I imagine she uses those passes very often. PATHETIC!!!!! Oh, I almost forgot, within five minutes of arriving at the ranch she brings up a marriage proposal! What is wrong with her? Chill out! I can’t speak for every viewer, but each time I have seen her interact with men on theses “dates”, I can’t help but notice the sheer panic painted on their faces.

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