Birthcray Madness 2012 Approaches

 

Gather around, kittens. And let me tell you the story of a grown woman, now well into her 30s, who still acts like an eight-year-old whenever her birthday rolls around. My apologies to eight-year-olds, actually. Most eight-year-olds I know start thinking about their birthday parties a couple of weeks ahead of time, a month at the most. They suggest a few ideas to Mom and Dad. The movies! Bowling! A big soccer game in the park! A sleepover! When the party happens, they have a good time. They open presents and they eat cake. They have a fun day. They go to bed, and it’s over until next year.

Not The Bi-Polar Birthcray Lady! No no no no no! On Planet Donkey, birthdays are bigger than presidential inaugurations! They’re bigger than moon walks, natural disasters and general elections! They often stretch on for days! Unlike the other 364 days of the year when Miss Julie Albertson desperately schemes to get the world to regard her as a pretty pink sexy hot tiny ‘n’  cute scintillating highly intellectual Princess Awesome, on her birthday, she can effectively FORCE people to celebrate the breathtaking wonder that is Julia Allison. What’s even better? She’s managed to sucker the sister of an OMG OMG FAMOUS MEGA-MILLIONAIRE YOUNG TECH FOUNDER SUPER-FAMOUS RICH GUY OMG OMG OMG to participate in the madness with her for the past three years. She’s SUCH a special snowflake, bunnies, that a famous person’s sister deigns to share her special day with her!

And so every living, breathing soul in Donk’s social sphere is made aware months in advance that her birthday is approaching and it is going to be epic and they had BETTER DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO MAKE IT EVEN MORE EPIC!

Click on Prof. F Camping’s informative roundups here to get all the details on the Birthcray Madness of years past. Interesting to note how there was no sign of Yellow Teef in the first big birthcray bash; Donkey hadn’t glommed onto her yet in the hopes of snagging her famous brother.

But here are a few steadfast themes of Birthcrays come and gone.

Hideous pink “gowns” are worn. The more sparkly and flammable, the better.

Here’s the collection:

Boyfriends are harassed, henpecked and sent fleeing for the hills.

BiPolar Birthcray 2010, and the Aspen aftermath, ultimately caused both Prom King and Jordan to flee. And when Pancakes McCain let it be known he had to work on BiPolar Birthcray 2011, it resulted in a full-fledged, sobbing-to-Mommy, chocolate-hoovering meltdown in a Chicago Whole Foods. He ended up showing up anyway, likely out of sheer terror. But what a surprise! He dumped her a few weeks later.

Friendships end. 

See the beginning of the end of the Jordan friendship in the links above. Jordan’s escape came exactly a year after MareMare BeachHair also fled after throwing the elegant “New York Leg” of BiPolar Birthcray 2009 that allegedly didn’t live up to Donkey’s expectations. A pissed-off Mary left the party, met up with Pocket Gay in the Oak Room, and before long had bolted from NonSociety before it even had a chance to be sold for fuck-you money. Oh wait, it didn’t get sold for fuck-you money? You don’t say!

Tears and tantrums.

Feast your eyes, kittens, on possibly the most revelatory sequence of photographs ever taken of an unfiltered donkey in the wild and in the full throes of Birthcray Madness. This is actually my favorite-ever Donkey Episode.

Yes, I take you back to Birthcray 2009, when Randi’s birthday cake was lovingly prepared by the Facebook pastry chef with Julia’s name horrifyingly absent.

Indeed, Randi’s actual friends made sure Donk’s name was left off the cake since they resented how the braying, manipulative fame-whore had elbowed her way into the festivities. So what’s a donkey  to do? First, try not to cry.

Then blow out the candles before Randi has a chance to.

And then LICK THE FUCKING CAKE like a starving stray dog in order to ruin it for everyone.

From a more terrifying angle:

And then, when you get back to whatever couch you’re crashing on to blog about the party, you make sure to edit a big chunk out of the cake so your many “fans” don’t see that you were cut out of it.

 

Lunatic behavior? Not at all! And it’s not like you got drunk or anything because everyone knows you NEVER drink, unless it’s just in sips.

 

Honestly. Nothing has ever been quite as telling as these photos.

So what about this year? There’s been barely a peep about Randi, a new mother and serious bidness lady (LOL), nor about any joint festivities in 2012. Donk claims her “friends” already threw a New York birthday party for her last week; others say it was simply a dinner party and were a bit stunned to see her pronouncing on Facebook and Twitter that it was a Princess Pretty Petal Party three weeks before her actual birthday.

She was coy on Twitter today when asked about BiPolar Birthcray Bash 2012 by whatsherface.

JuliaAllison: @shiralazar – Randi & I planned a joint bday for Feb 28 in SF, but that is being moved because of a surprise. I’ll send you an email. 😉

But one thing we have learned: the Bravo show is still filming. We repeat: The cameras are still rolling. And so this could be the reason for the secrecy about this year’s instalment of Birthcray goodness. Has Randi finally agreed to appear on the show? What man will flee this year? What friendships will lie in ruins? Will there be gluten-free cupcakes or will she have to drop the charade and party like it’s 2009?

And will she look like this a few days later, all cry-face-y and fucked up because something just wasn’t quite perfect for her special day?

Should be interesting!

 

236 COMMENTS

    • I prefer the samurai sword… that way we can prolong the pain. [img]http://i43.tinypic.com/2hp22k2.png[/img]

    • [img]http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o185/Silverlineup/bar_caravaggio_12.jpg[/img]

      Just in case the bullets miss him

    • [img]http://i1231.photobucket.com/albums/ee516/bobbaer1/catkiller.gif[/img]

      Just in case…… No More of this nonsense

        • Donkey’s tongue always looks like it’s got some kind of fungus growing on it. Aside from that, I wanted to comment on one of my biggest birthcray pet peeves ever. It was when she was prancing around on the banquette seats at her NY party (the year of PK) while wearing her stilettos, and she sliced up the cushion in several different places…ripped the thing wide open…and just kept on prancing. I will never understand why so many people enable her rude, inconsiderate, and entitled behavior.

          • I think it’s Charming Debonair Rowbear’s magnetic personality, maybe.

            Yes, her tongue is always freaky-looking. I was assuming it was because of the scheme juices.

  1. The progression of her face in these photos from pretty girl to hideous monster is terrifying.

    Guaranteed she and randi did NOT plan a joint bday party. Maybe Randi was like “I’m having a few people get together and you are welcome to come.” Notice she doesn’t say “joint bday PARTY.”

    Those cupcakes look really good.

    • I was just noticing that myself. Four years, and you’d barely know it was the same person. Look at the first picture of her in the stupid Moulin Rouge dress compared to the one of her deep-throating the blueberry coffee cake. You would not know it was the same person, of the same generation. And that was only a two-year span — the Deep Throat shot was in 2010, Moulin Rouge dress was 2008. Bless her heart.

      • The one with her and preggo randi gets me the most. She looks absolutely atrocious there. When fuggo pregnant Randi looks lovelier than you do…yeah.

        • In that particular fauxtro, Donkey’s thigh reminded me of a diving board. Or a short plank.

          #SkirtPull ForTheFail!

        • i really feel for poor Randi in this instance. you know that JAB has had to have always picked their dresses for these parties. they both looked different in them while being the same, but this……. to do this to a pregnant woman, making her wear this pink monstrosity, is fucking mean. you KNOW that JAB knew that RZ would look like a boil on an ass in this dress. the pure evil and jealousy that she must have of a married and pregnant OMGHERBROTHERISMZ Randi, is disgraceful. and she is supposed to be her friend? hummm yeah right!

    • ZOMG. the multiple levels of stupid cunt asshatery in that Nonsociety “Thank you all!” post. I’ve never read that. 500 guests my asshole.

      Jesus Christ it’s like she’s giving an Oscar speech. Re: PK: “And after he stayed until the last guest left, then drove me in my crazy pink tulle dress home and talked with me in the car for an hour (despite his almost total exhaustion), that’s when I realized that I loved him for the first time.”

      YOU ARE A TERRIBLE BITCH.

      • I dont understand. Please help me. How on earth has this chick been alive for this long, and has no idea what a fucking asshole she is? Does she not notice NO ONE ELSE acts like this?

          • JFA! THEY ARE HER MEMORIES TOO! Just because she says it’s true, definitely means it’s a lie.

            They all know she’s fucking nuttier than a fruit cake in the end, that’s all that matters!

      • Didn’t she later admit that that hour long conversation was about how selfish she had been acting and how he was getting sick of it? I seem to remember that.

        • Yes, it’s at the end of one of her posts that are linked to up there somewhere. She admitted to being an asshole for two weeks before her birthday and for a week after. Which would have been Aspen. Huh. I wonder why he and Jordan fled?

        • I believe the exact word that Prom King used was “inconsiderate.” Julia admitted that he had been observing her rampant inconsiderateness over a period of time, and he was really bothered by it. She said she was going to make a sincere effort to change…HahahahahahHahahaHahahaha!!!!

          • If by change, she obvsmeant one less BFF & one less BF, so yeah, she ‘changed’ alright.

            Donkey’s Lineup: Different. Every Year.
            (if you don’t count her enabling parent$)

          • But fuck you people! He didn’t read enough for her anyway!!!

            Because she reads so much, and underlines.

          • Speaking of ‘rents, wasn’t there a birthcray where they showed up as well, in all of their enabling glory? was that when la famille baugher crashed with PK? and didn’t a catlady actually go to the party and was horrified by the parents’ enabling and co-craziness?

            ahh birthcray!

          • Seems like it was DLM (Dirty Lake Michigan) who attended & heard Mom$er gushing about how hard Donkey works. Oh, Honey …

            & yeah, Donkey stabled the ‘rent$ $ PK’s place (remember when she even posted a fauxto of dog butt on his kitchen counter?)

            Inconsiderate Donkey is inconsiderate.

      • Telling that despite the gift of her love, he didn’t stay over. What’s the point of having a boyfriend and no birthday rumpy pumpy? She was never into him, user.

        • I am guessing it was HIS idea to stay in the car, not hers, right? He sounded like he was done with her by then. I heard he was not pleased when she took over his apartment prior to the party.

          • By then the alarm bells must have been screaming for this dude. ABORT. ABORT. I’m sure this is a common Donkey phenomenon.

            Donk should have put on her big girl panties and sorted the family a hotel room or at the very least given her brother her apartment. Much too busy showing off.

            I really feel for the genuine people that cross this grifter’s path. You’re a lesson in how not to do life, Julia. Happy Upcoming Birthcray.

          • remember that not just julia, but her PARENTS were also crashing at PK’s. and so were their dogs! here’s dog butt on PK’s kitchen counter:

            [img]http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kyex7jJ0LT1qz6dlko1_400.jpg[/img]

          • Dumbass Mom$er & Dad$er are dumbass.

            Who the hell ever thinks that even before meeting someone for the 1st time that it’s perfectly acceptable to invade their living space & bathe you g-d dog there while at it?

            Fucking Amazeballz.

            I guess it’s that same delusion on the part of Donkey’s parent$ that keeps them from dealing head-on w/ her sociopathic tendencies.

  2. I’m with you, Jacy – the cake licking incident is by far the BEST Donkism ever.

    It perfectly sums up her entitled attitude and batshit craziness. WHO DOES THAT!?!

  3. THIS IS SIMPLY THE MOST INEFFABLY HYSTERICAL POST IN WEEKS.

    I am not kidding, I am utterly weeping, chortling and gaffawing at your brilliance. Holy fuck is this funny. I tried to read it like a Jelly D might – run for the hills, man, while you still have your dignity intact.

    Also, how epic that the camera are still rolling because she has been acting like a fucking nut since the new year especially.

    • It’s fantastic, and Jacy deserves a medal for nonstop excellent posts like this.
      The last part about 2009 is so cringe-inducing, like watching a horror movie unfold (let it!), and that very last photo is just supernaturally disturbing.

  4. PS Randi Zuckerberg is still trying to make her band Feedbomb (eye roll) happen – they were auditioning for some reality show recently – so don’t count Old Yeller out of the bipolar birthday bash yet! If it can get her and her band on the ol’ Bravo show, I’m sure she’ll show up!

    • And Yellow Teef wants to sing in a Broadway show, too! I know, I done read it an article in the New Yawk Times! Complete with an unflattering snap of Old Yeller’s back. The reporter could barely conceal her contempt for the grasping at fame Ms. Zuckerberg. Think of singing Margaret Truman. Or Roger Clinton.

      • OMG LOVE this. i have vague memories of reading that article as well. bitch is gonna buy her way onto Broadway!

    • I bet that’s the surprise, right? Randi’s “band” is going to perform and she has to keep it quiet for Bravo purposes. Such a talented singer, that Randi, right up there with the greats like Lana Del Ray and your average hound dog. Can’t wait for the Vimeos!

    • Oh please, I am going to pray every night that this will happen. Every. Night. FeedBomb with Flusher Price and Jelly D as the opening acts. Yessssss.

    • I have to say, I absolutely HATE Randi’s voice. I think I’d rather listen to gf by toilet julia, but I haven’t heard it in a while.

      Actually, if I were trapped in a desert and two escape cars arrived one playing Toilet Julia the other yellow teef on repeat I’d definitely choose death.

  5. She even managed to get Vail to accomodate her pancake-stalking…notice how Hairbag Alley is in such close proximity to Flapjack?

    [img]https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/420528_10150556063355458_654695457_9321770_1634647379_n.jpg[/img]

    (sorry I didn’t have a chance to post this in the previous, more appropriate post…don’t hurt me CDB, I too am on vacay with the kittehs).

    • *ahem* All on one mountain …

      May I please direct your attn to: CATWALK ??

      #Donkey’sWorstNightmare

      • Timberline Catwalk – it’s right there too!! It’s like we’re always watching her…..heh heh heh.

  6. I love that you put the cake licking in context and the photos in sequence.

    Standing on upholstered banquettes in stiletto heels also tells you everything you need to know.

    That forbidden country cllub birthday party at age 8 was foreshadowing if I ever saw it. Robin and Peter Baugher, you should have nipped that shit in the bud. You enable this bad seed and now she’s a monster inside and out.

    • Just think what a triumph, what HIGH that rump birthday party at the country club must have been for our Donks, that she feels the overpowering need to recreate it and embellish it further every. single. year. Those who do not learn from history truly are doomed to repeat it.

    • That was fucking hilarious. I have it somewhere but can’t find it. F Camping will find it … she knows everything. I’ll add it to the post if/when I can find it.

      • That is the best picture. It’s like when someone’s personal ad has their wife’s arm still around them, but her torso and head are cut off.

        • The cake is almost like a character in that particular Donkey saga. First it’s sitting there all pretty and innocent, patiently waiting to be presented to Randi. Then it’s assaulted by a jealous Donkey, blown on and licked, Donkey-tainted and rendered unattractive to Randi and the party guests. Then, as an added indignity, it’s brutally photoshopped and put on the Internet without its full beauty intact, abused electronically by a Donkey the same way it was physically. Poor, pretty, tormented cake.

          • Of all the times I’ve seen the frontal cake mauling photo, I never noticed it was adressed only to Randi! Your storyboard of how the events actually unfolded is priceless (sorry, Toilet Julia).

    • Yes! You beat me to it, but I was just going to point out that cropped cake picture proudly posted by A Donkey on her horizontally scrolling bog. That was the jewel in the crown of Birthcray patheticsad.

    • You rang?

      Fuck me, I’ve waited a looooong time for this moment! It feels every bit as good as I thought it would!

      Best post EVER Jacy!

  7. Also – MY GOD HER FACE… from the first photo, where if you discount the hideous dress, she actually looks cute and pretty to the pic with Randi last year where she looks like a ghoul!

    Never mind that’s a year ago… she’s continued to fuck with her face further.

    This girl has no friends. No true friends.

  8. Rememberbwhen she scammed Jessica Quirk (Schroeder at the time) into designing and sewing her a bespoke dress for birthcray (gratis, no doubt), and then didn’t wear it? Weeks of build-up, sketches, etc. … And then she wore some polyester nightmare from Filene’s.

  9. Jacy, thank you for these retrospectives. You are on fire!

    Also thank you and JP for raising the site again and keeping it going. You light up our sort of sad, dingy basements!

    One of my most WTF birthcray moments actually happened just last year. She and Pancakes went out for lunch – but she wore a tiara and a pink shirt, and referred to her “birthday month“. Shout out if you have or have ever celebrated anyone’s birthday for a month. *crickets*

    • I joke about my birthday month, but since the actual date falls between Thanksgiving and Christmas, finding a time to have happy hour or a quiet dinner with a substantial friend group requires flexibility. Donkey is just an asshat.

      • Honestly, I don’t even celebrate my birth day. My last birthday, I was still at the office at 7:30pm, when one of my friends finally dragged me out and forced me to have drinks with her, and called any of our other friends who were free to join. Who the *eff has time for a whole month!? I don’t even have weekend off….oh, but I’m actually doing something with my life. Ok, now I’m starting to rage. mcakez, hold be back!

        Seriously, this cray is 30 years old…ah hem…31 years old.

        • Completely OT, but I felt a tiny surge of RBNS pride last week when I was watching Happy Endings and Max used the word cray in relation to everyone being so crazy about his new man. I don’t know if it actually started here, but I started using the word once we started using it on the site. I was like “Look at us, with our awesome word spreading!” Of course, it was to myself, but still. It’s a fun word and it makes me laugh!

    • A tiara … in public … at 30 years old! Its no wonder there is speculation on her stunted mental capabilities.

        • You’re welcome!
          Now please start making some IMPORTANT BIRTHDAY DECISIONS because mine is in June (only 3 months away!!) and I demand nothing less than a formal ballroom decorated to the brim with long-stem cream roses. CDB will pay.

  10. Sorry, posting from my phone so it’s out of order but I never heard the full story about the photographer who was left homeless due to a birthcray event. Anyone care to share the story? We should do a “Where are they now” post of all the people she’s scammed or chased off. That would be long but fun.

    • Happy to share. After all, they’re our memories too. Having said that, my memory is as wonk as donk and I welcome corrections.

      The West Coast Fauxtographer who called himself Michael McDonald:
      I believe she met him just prior to the bicoastal birthday crayfest. There’s some skeevy photo of her planted on his lap. He was rather older and kind of Grizzly Adamsish in a not very attractive way. He flew to NYC to document the bicoastal bash, idiot. Julia (and Randy) being such considerate hosts neglected to check if he had somewhere to crash. All class. [I hate bad manners]. Everyone had bailed from the party and he got left with a large bar tab (I hope I haven’t made this part up) and then had no money for hotel and spent night tweeting from various doorways and lobbies with just some skittles for sustenance.

      AND THEN, the next day the sad case fauxtographed Donkey prancing about dressed like Minnie Mouse holding balloons in front of LOVE.

      I felt sad for him. Pity the fool.

      • I think this is exactly correct except for one small detail — we Christened him Michael McDonald.

        “What a fool beliiiiieeevvves!”

        • That’s right! Thank you. How could I forget the Doobie Brothers thing.

          Another unsuspecting ‘sponsor’. But, unlike the divorced gentleman referred to up thread, he lacked two things: charm and a credit card. Who, over 40, flies to NYC with just a bit of cash? I can also exactly see how he got stiffed for the tab, hoping to be asked to party on or a couch offered, everyone scattering. And Donkface must have seen his desperate tweets. Pretty shabby way to treat someone but not surprising.

          Also, Jacy, love your posts, been reading, and chuckling, forever.

          • What I don’t understand about him claiming to have no money and no place to stay, was that the next day he was at the Apple store thinking about buying a Mac. He struck me as being as much of a grifter as Donkey, but with less luck.

          • @wmmarc: I know this happens, but practically speaking what do you do when a crowd goes out but doesn’t leave enough to pay the bill? #Question #Fail

            @wmmarc: @DvinMsM your suggestion is good, but the smart ten or so people of the twenty left before the bill came

            [img]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vJmq_s-InUM/SakuzGFp7CI/AAAAAAAAAEA/u-vIRPtIN-o/s320/blerg.jpg[/img]

          • When a fool believes
            She’ll pay
            A wise man has the power
            To just run away
            From A Donkey’s cray
            But he wound up with nothing
            Nothing at all

  11. BIRTHCRAY! It’s the most magical time of the year! Canklehausen with a Schadenfreude chaser for everyone, and maybe we’ll do Fremdschämen shots after.

  12. Julia Allison @JuliaAllison
    Is there a way to get out of appearing in court for a California speeding ticket? Can’t I just pay online? Grr.

    I guarantee this will not be the last time she complains about a goddamn speeding ticket. She lives in California and is unemployed. I think she can squeeze in a court date.

    It would be a shame if the speeding ticket snowballed into legal problems that were all-encompassing, like Lindsay Lohan’s. Julia looks older that Lindsay, which eesh!

    • Jesus fuck use GOOGLE. CALL DADSERS ESQ. You are a moron. Also very professional tweeting about your legal infractions, you goddamn idiot.

      • I’m pretty sure you can pay just about any parking or traffic site / sight / citation in California online. Where the heck does appearing in court ever even to come into the picture unless you contest it?

        • In any case it should say right on the ticket what you have to do about it…she’s so fucking lazy. Just go on the goddamn website for whomever it is that issues the tickets it CA and do a little reading, you goddamn moron.

    • I’m just having a fantasy reverie.. Donks on trial for her many, many transgressions.
      A parade of witnesses testifying as to her long career of social crimes and misdemeanors, her rampaging terribleness. Yes, it’s a bit Seinfeldian, but yet again I think of Lars von Trier for this movie in my mind, a scorching indictment of her and all she stands for. Getting to work on that screenplay now…

      • LOL — I’ve visited that Seinfeld scenario a la Donk (w/ cat ladies as the never-ending string of witnesses) … but … I think Donk’s ending will be pretty sad, actually, & that of all people, her so-called haterz will be hella sadder than her so-called frenemies.

    • She was not hot enough to flirt her way out of the ticket. That’s all I’m getting from her tweet.

        • No one can flirt their way out of a parking ticket – the cop isn’t there. But a pretty pink princess SHOULD be able to flirt her way out of a SPEEDING ticket…the cop is there, imagining blowjobs. Blowjobs for no-points. Simple pimple.

          • Lots of lady CHiPs in the LA area. I think if I were a cop I would just give her extra tickets for being a disgrace to the gender.

        • That video always gives me THE RAGES. She’s so lucky she got the one and only meter maid in all of NYC who will not cut a bitch. usually they don’t even look you in the eye/ignore you if you try to argue your way out of a ticket. Which, bitch? You were parked in a completely illegal spot. Just hand over the ticket to your ex boyfriend whose apartment you were already squatting in and call it a day.

          • i know, right!?!?!!? this video enrages me completely. i can’t believe that parking officer didn’t shut her down.

  13. She’s blowing out candles. On someone else’s cake. Holy shit that’s crap most 7 year old’s wouldn’t even pull. Also LOL wasted dumb donkey in the blue sparkly dress photos. I can see why she never drinks if that’s how she looks in pictures whilst doing it.

  14. The post where she boo-hoos about PK dumping her is one of my faves. She is so maudlin. She has to mention 75 goddamn times about how OMG I”M TAKING AMBIEN NOW THIS IS HOW FAR IT’S GONE. Like she’s such a brave soul for taking AMBIEN. First of all, I call complete bullshit that this lunatic never takes meds. Secondly, grow the fuck up, no one CARES if you take ambien. I’ve never seen a person so desperate to prove to the world how boring she is, like it’s a badge of honor (“I never drink! I never take meds!” Wow you must be fun at parties. Sit down.)

    Also, how’s that search for a therapist going? Also, how’s that “PK left the door open for us to get back together” going?

    • The best part was when she pulled the very same melodramatic maudlin shit with Pancakes a year later, and then denied loving Prom King when someone pointed it out to her.

      Oh really? So that’s why you spewed out a billion words about your severe PK heartbreak, and how you were calling Mommy weeping, and you are “not OK,” and you were having terrible nightmares, awful days, and you just want him back, and he left the door open, and how will you carry on, yada yada yada … same fucking shit, different dude, Drama Queen-itis ….. RUN JELLYD RUN RUNNNNN RUNNNNNNN!!!

    • I’m sorry I have to cut and paste it because it’s hilarious:

      “I don’t really know where to begin, except to say that right now, at this very moment, I don’t want to write this entry. I don’t want to write it not because it doesn’t need to be written – it does – but because I would rather take an Ambien, crawl into my bed and go to sleep.”

      “After last night, in which I tossed and turned with anxiety until 6 am, at which point I fell into a nightmare-filled semi-sleep until 10 am, I decided, “Enough.” In fact, the only thing I actually accomplished today was going to my doctor and actually – for the first time in my insomniac life – asking for an Ambien prescription.”

      If you’re surprised to hear me invoke the big A (Ambien!?! But I don’t believe in meds!!), that should give you an idea of how willing I am to try all of the solutions I haven’t before.

      After a horrible, fitful night of non-sleep, give in and ask my doctor for an Ambien prescription – just to get me through these next two weeks or so. Feel a little embarrassed, but the only thing worse than getting over a break-up is getting over a break-up on no sleep.”

      LOL she talks about taking fucking Ambien like she’s decided to try electroconvulsive shock treatments. You’re embarrassed to ask a goddamn doctor for AMBIEN? I just…I don’t know. NOthing left to say. She’s dumb.

      I still don’t have the answers, but just admitting – out loud, here – that I’m in pain, that I’m trying to find them, that I’m working on finding a therapist, exploring my faith, even (sigh) taking a bit of medication to make sure I get good sleep at night – it helps.

      • Sorry that reposted weird. Part of that is my commentary. 4-5 mentions of Ambien. I don’t know why this is making me LOL so much.

        ZOMG AMBIEN!!!!!

        • I’m HIGH (zomg ambien!!) so bare with me but…I think what is so funny about her writing is how banal and melodramatic and ultimately empty it is…it’s like she’s reading from a script for a Lifetime movie. Then I thought about how one of the characteristics of sociopathy is mimicking real emotions but not feeling anything. And it just totally makes sense.

          • Agreed totally. She’s just into the drama of it; she gets off on it for some reason. Honestly, I have said it before but she should have been an actress. She’s a narcissistic drama queen, like all actresses.

            Also, looking back on the Prom King spewing — or all of the bullshit heartbreak posts — wouldn’t you be fucking embarrassed and kill that stuff out a few months later? Especially when you’ve met someone else, or you’re whinging to yet another guy, like Pancakes, about how you’ve never known such heartbreak? I mean how does she expect anyone to take her seriously on any front? She is just so insincere and dishonest.

        • Well, she’s exploring a new faith now – she changed her religious views on facebook. She’s “Spiritual” now because JellyD is a Buddhist. RUN JELLYD! Indeed.

          Am I the only one who thinks having your religious views be a thing on facebook is really weird? Weirder still is actually changing your religious views on facebook. I can’t even the Donkey.

          • I agree…..in my mind religious or spiritual views don’t change but maybe once in a lifetime. As in , I was raised a catholic but I a now a am a ….. It’s not a flavor of the month fashion trend. And it does not happen easily

          • Yes! In the span of 10 years she has gone from atheist to christian to spiritual . . . Religious views are just accessories to her man-trapping personas.

          • My God, he is a Buddhist? So that’s why she changed it? Just like she suddenly went from “very liberal” to “trying not to have” political views when she started dating Pancakes?

            Does she not understand that everyone knows when she changes that shit, and that it’s so obvious it’s man-fuelled?

            The scheme juices, they are potent.

          • Just substitute “uhm, er” for every individual “a” CDB typed & you’ll see that he was subliminally channeling Donkey …

            “I was raised uhm, er catholic but I uhm, er now uhm, er am uhm, er …..”

            Donkey’s only religious consistency is that she’s an elder at the Church of Scheme Juices.

          • CDB is now a member of the First Church of the Ellipsis…you are all being intolerant bigots by not respecting his holy punctuation…

        • Hey, as an actress in training I can tell you that we are not all that dramatic–especially compared to this chick. If she ever came to my school acting that way we would have pointed her to counseling services and washed our hands of her. I just went thru a breakup (which I talked about for a bit on here during the Superbowl–everyone here was SO very sweet and kind). Most people at school still aren’t aware that I’m single because apparently my behavior doesn’t seem different. She would never survive here because you need to actually be professional and check your whine at the door.

      • ‘… except to say that right now, at this very moment, I don’t want to write this entry. I don’t want to write it not because it doesn’t need to be written – it does …’

        NO, dipfuckingshithead, it does NOT need to be written….
        NOTHING in the world of Donkistani hinges on this shit…

        Fucking Loon is a loon…
        Ambien was your friend.

        • LOL that was funny. Yes it MUST be written! How can I NOT write it? How can I NOT share this epic tragedy with all the world!

          • I think this entry also gave us the line, “all I know is I can’t stop writing.” Ha! More like re-writing.

          • You bitches don’t understand. She is JULIA ALLISON. And her world of fans was wondering how she was coping! She is a celebrity, after all! Don’t you want to know how Demi’s doing???

      • So accustomed to the lying, that I took this

        “actually – for the first time in my insomniac life – asking for an Ambien prescription.”

        to mean

        this:

        actually – for the first time in my insomniac life – asking for an Ambien prescription, which is different from being handed one

  15. Birthcray must evoke such mixed feelings and cognitive dissonance for the Donk. On one hand, it’s a day month devoted to glorification of her exceptional self, but on the other hand, she’s watching the growing numbers–29, 30, 31…–apprehensively as her looks deteriorate with no substantial improvement in her marriage or career prospects. Cognitive dissonance make Donkey go kaboom.

  16. “Julia Allison @JuliaAllison : I have a complete inability to make IMPORTANT BIRTHDAY DECISIONS today.”

    see also: birthcray month, it must be hard not having a real job, and this makes it sound like her birthday is today not, you know, in 8 days.

  17. But one thing we have learned: the Bravo show is still filming.
    We repeat: The cameras are still rolling.

    They bargained on Donk’s insanity … so far, it hasn’t served Bravo any better than it has Donk … & yet, like Donk, Bravo is still invested in filming Donk’s insanity.

    There are two kinds of people in this world …
    * Those of us who will never the donkey …
    * & those who are insane (as a) donkey(s)

    #bravo, Bravo

  18. What is with the pursual of @DeStorm? Is she really trying to have context for her white girl gang signs (what up, yo!) I recently read an IAmA regarding Wife Swap and after Doofus signed the Draconian contract it seems she’s at the behest of producers to create and maintain whatever character they choose.

    Manic Fluffer? Poufy-Dressed Singleton? Sexy Bidness Laydee? Teetotaling Jelly-Jelly Dog Ignorer? Jet-Set Spiritual Maven Thriving on Scheme Juices?

    • I’m guessing Jelly D mentioned him or his Youtube stardom. At the very least, Jelly D is a rapper, yo, so Julia is trying to yoo-hoo a rapper, is my guess.

  19. OMG that Prom King break-up manifesto:

    8. Decided to never date again
    9. Decide that “never” means at least a month.

    Oh, yes. So very hurt. Because when I’m DEVASTATED by a break-up it’s a real struggle to wait 30 days to go on a date with someone else.

    Socio. Path.

  20. Bravo Jacy on another epic post! It’s almost a shame that the Randi cake-licking didn’t happen for the Bravo cameras.

  21. She’s got watermarked Patrick McMullan FW photos all over her Facebook right now. Does that mean she was too cheap to pay for them?

    She left a snarky little comment under a photo of her and Susan Lucci, as though she was slumming it by talking to Erika. Funny, though, Donkey, she’s in her 60s and is way hotter than you are.

    • God, what a bitch. Stealing from McMullan, when someone pointed out here it’s inexpensive to license his pictures. And being a snot about Susan Lucci, an accomplished actress? Look, soaps aren’t my thing, but showing up every day and creating a pop-iconic character for 25 years is a real achievement. Donkey smirking at the likes of Lucci gives me some brayge.

      • Julia Allison Baugher’s just jealous that it’s taken 25 years to watch Susan Lucci go from a fresh-faced pretty young girl to a sexy, vivacious woman, while in a mere 2-3 years Donkey herself went from Condom Dragstume Skank to busted-face cautionary-tale batshit crazy loon.

  22. Annnnd right on cue she’s posted 21 photos of the “Official Meagan Marks Hosted JA New York Birthday Dinner.” Looks like they stuck some candles in a chicken dish that Donkey doesn’t eat because of course she’s a pescatarianaiaraianian and so Meagan made her some fish, but no candles in the fish!! And no gluten-free cake!!

    Wow, they went all out.

    Poor, poor lunatic.

    • But the most lunatic thing she did was label a Facebook album “My 31st Birthday Bash” and then write on every photo: “The Official Meagan Marks Hosted JA New York Birthday Dinner!”

      She’s fucking crazy. There are all these other guests there, Julia interacts with none of them (only she, Meagan and “chocolate” are tagged in any of the photos) yet she keeps insisting THIS HER OMGSOSPECIAL birthday dinner, just for her. IT’S OFFICIAL!

      And though Meagan and her BF are putting b-day candles on some chicken (though a Donkey notes she can’t eat it because she pescatarian) the obvious theme, looking at the table is Valentine’s day.

      TL;DR – Donkey is fucking nuts!

      • Exactly, it’s all Valentine’s Day stuff. They shoved some candles in a dish she doesn’t eat … special. You know she almost cried when she saw there were candles in a chicken dish.

        She is batshit.

        • The effort it required to type “At the Official Meagan Marks Hosted JA New York Birthday Dinner!” on thirty photos is so fucking crazy!

          Who is she proving it too???? I weirdly think this is more mental than the her Fuck Album. I can’t explain why.

          Her mentalness is scaring me.

          • My theory is that she read the Birthcray Madness retrospective and the only thing she took from it was the fact that people were suggesting the event at Meagan Marks’ house was only a dinner party and not her Pretty Pink Special NYC 31st Birthday Party. The scheme juices must have moved into full boil and in a rage she posted and labelled all those photos in a SEE, HATERS?? frame of mind.

            Imagine that being the only takeaway of reading this post, by the way.

          • 100% right on both counts.

            a) It doesn’t change anyone’s mind here

            b) It makes her look allllll sorts of extra crazy to her FB friends

      • Throw someone a special dinner party & purposely cook food they can’t won’t eat? Invite none of their friends? Riiiiight.

        Donkey probably carries birthday candles w/ her during the entire month of February & in this case, she probably invited herself, had to bring her own fish.

    • That was the saddest birthday dinner party ever. Gross chicken photos, jokey Valentines presents and balloons that clearly scream VALENTINE’S DINNER PARTY, not OFFICIAL BIRTHCRAY PARTY.

        • But the she spins it as BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!!!! AND MINE, MINE MINE!!!! MY BIRTHDAY DINNER!

          To me, she comes off as a bitch because she made herself a spectacle and the center of attention for something that was not even hers.

          What I don’t get is Meagan Marks constant fawning and indulgence over a Donkey.

    • ” The Official Meagan Marks Hosted JA New York Birthday Dinner” is just INSANE.

      What is “official” about it?

  23. Annnd this cunty response to Lewis Howes when he comments “nice” on a photo of them at FW.

    Lewis Howes: nice 🙂
    Julia Allison: Lewis, my dear, you might want to flip through a thesaurus before you comment on another one of our photos. 😉
    Lewis Howes: haha

    God she’s a cunt.

      • She is the cuntiest of the cunty cunts. And I rarely use the *c* word. And her humour sucks, big-time.

        Julia, darling, etiquette for beginners. One always, always, receives a compliment with “thank you”. It is the gracious way to behave.

      • She seriously taunts them or fucks with them or steals from them or takes advantage of them until they flee, screaming into the night.

      • Well she doesn’t have many. Lewis does seem like a total dim bulb, a dumb hayseed type. And yet she had to resort to bringing him to Fashion Week. You know it has to bug her that she’s not hanging out with the towering intellects and/or OMG tech founders OMG that she thinks she deserves, hence the inner angry cunt emerges. “Use a thesaurus.” “Fuck you” and/or “You should lay off the thesaurus, you ineffable cunt” should have been his response.

        • “You should lay off the thesaurus face-fillers, you injectable cunt” should have been his response …

          • Poor dimwitted Lewis will soon learn that you don’t use an ordinary word like ‘nice’ to describe a ridiculously ineffable amazeballz picture of Julia Allison. You do what she does and pick a word from your thesaurus that doesn’t make any sense.

        • Yeah, I think Jacy’s right about Lewis being a dim bulb, kind of like Woody on Cheers. I’m sure Julia can get away with treating him like shit because the poor fool just doesn’t get it.

          • Howes gives me the chuckles because he’s not a professional grifter at the level of Julie or Ellsberg’s spawn but more a wannabe grifter whose attempts at cachet are even more ridonkulous than bringing up the old WIRE cover ad nauseum. Gomer Pyle blithers on and on about playing on some second string football team 100 years ago in Donk time when nobody gives a shit or wants to be buy whatever snake oil he’s selling.

          • Lewis Howes’ CV is hilariously loserish. He played DIV II football at some yokel college and arena football. Winner.

    • I’m guessing this particular tone she loves to employ comes straight from Nutty Granny Moneybags.

      • I know, right? So tacky. Plus, as someone said here, a Patrick McMullan account is about $10 a year. She could have paid for an account with less effort than it takes to steal watermarked pictures. Grade A Cheap Asshole.

  24. You might want to be less of an uncivilized hick, Donkey. Hope that helps, because all the thesaurus flipping sure as hell doesn’t! 😉

    It always cracks me up when imbeciles try to be condescending.

  25. CLIFFS NOTES ON A BACK(LEGS)-PEDALING DONKEY’S SCHEME JUICES
    For the Bravo powers-that-be who should [1] know that Mom$er edited wrote Donkey’s column, & [2] should catch Donkey in her endless lying, since you’re apparently still filming this loon when her birthday mania is about to ramp-up to Category Five Asshat … & for the inevitable, ineffable newbies to RBD (cuz CDB needs his rest!)

    MOM$ER, ACCORDING TO DONKEY, 2006:
    “Want to go out with my daughter?” she yelled enthusiastically into the cordless. “She’s a sexy sex columnist!!”

    NICK BILTON’S / NYT’S DONKEY-FORCED RETRACTION, 2011:
    An article […] misstated the relationship of Julia Allison […] She was a dating columnist, not a sex columnist.

  26. Fauxtographer’s inspiration for that top pose:
    [img]http://www.donkeys.com/NMDA/Bow.gif[/img]

  27. if they are still filming, then they must have NOTHING and are just trying to drum up more footage. that may be where the rachel zoe interview will pop up if that’s the case (and perhaps why Donk never mentioned it again). My other thought is that she’s been quiet on the birthcray bc the producers told her to shut up and keep it quiet. Birthcray is my favorite Julie time, after Christmas.

    • That’s what I thought about the Rachel Zoe interview as well. No way she’d get to interview her if it weren’t for reality tv show intervention. I’m sure the birthday “surprise” she mentioned is that it’s going to be filmed.

      One can only hope that cameras followed her on her desperation one-night trip to SF recently. This would be in keeping with the theme of the show: not learning from past mistakes.

    • The After-Birthcray Meltdowns are my favorite time.
      Like, I’m already wondering if Flusher Price will break lease & flee … ?

      • Birthcray always signals an end to a lot of her pointless activity that seems to start around Halloween, goes through the holidays and FW and ends with HER BIG DAY. After this, she gets dumped. I suppose now she’ll have the announcement of the show (and column?) to keep her going. Also SXSW is usually on the agenda. I can’t wait to see how long she manages to hang on to that apartment.

  28. birthcray is epic…

    …but not for the reasons she thinks it is.

    [img]http://2.firepic.org/2/images/2012-02/15/5prk34v01on1.gif[/img]

    • It was either a headband or cookies, she couldn’t decide which.

      She will never top the “wrap gifts in worn-out stockings” thing, which actually made me more nauseated than any episode of Hoarders I’ve ever seen.

      • The used yoga mats as wine corks was grosser to me. Featherbrained made a comment on the GOMI post about it that I wish I could remember fully. It had me laughing for a long time. Something about “Lose your yarmaluke? Just cut an old bra in half and voila!”

  29. Happy Pancakes Day – Shrove Tuesday (also known as Pancake Tuesday) and the 28th is also IHOP’s Pancake Day for fundraising! So. Blessed.

  30. Is it wrong that I saw this photo and immediately thought “raft ass” ?
    [img]http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzrblj76Jh1qz7t8to1_400.jpg[/img]

  31. Ok none of this makes sense.

    1) Why is there a picture of Mark’s boyfriend (?) sticking the number “21” (note, not 31) into the birthday chicken, but those candles are notably absent from the final result.

    2) When was this? Are we sure this wasn’t some kind of post-vday party for friends?

    3) Birthday chicken? Really?

    4) There is absolutely no indication that the party was a party for her. None.

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