Gather around, kittens. And let me tell you the story of a grown woman, now well into her 30s, who still acts like an eight-year-old whenever her birthday rolls around. My apologies to eight-year-olds, actually. Most eight-year-olds I know start thinking about their birthday parties a couple of weeks ahead of time, a month at the most. They suggest a few ideas to Mom and Dad. The movies! Bowling! A big soccer game in the park! A sleepover! When the party happens, they have a good time. They open presents and they eat cake. They have a fun day. They go to bed, and it’s over until next year.
Not The Bi-Polar Birthcray Lady! No no no no no! On Planet Donkey, birthdays are bigger than presidential inaugurations! They’re bigger than moon walks, natural disasters and general elections! They often stretch on for days! Unlike the other 364 days of the year when Miss Julie Albertson desperately schemes to get the world to regard her as a pretty pink sexy hot tiny ‘n’ cute scintillating highly intellectual Princess Awesome, on her birthday, she can effectively FORCE people to celebrate the breathtaking wonder that is Julia Allison. What’s even better? She’s managed to sucker the sister of an OMG OMG FAMOUS MEGA-MILLIONAIRE YOUNG TECH FOUNDER SUPER-FAMOUS RICH GUY OMG OMG OMG to participate in the madness with her for the past three years. She’s SUCH a special snowflake, bunnies, that a famous person’s sister deigns to share her special day with her!
And so every living, breathing soul in Donk’s social sphere is made aware months in advance that her birthday is approaching and it is going to be epic and they had BETTER DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO MAKE IT EVEN MORE EPIC!
Click on Prof. F Camping’s informative roundups here to get all the details on the Birthcray Madness of years past. Interesting to note how there was no sign of Yellow Teef in the first big birthcray bash; Donkey hadn’t glommed onto her yet in the hopes of snagging her famous brother.
But here are a few steadfast themes of Birthcrays come and gone.
Hideous pink “gowns” are worn. The more sparkly and flammable, the better.
Here’s the collection:
Boyfriends are harassed, henpecked and sent fleeing for the hills.
BiPolar Birthcray 2010, and the Aspen aftermath, ultimately caused both Prom King and Jordan to flee. And when Pancakes McCain let it be known he had to work on BiPolar Birthcray 2011, it resulted in a full-fledged, sobbing-to-Mommy, chocolate-hoovering meltdown in a Chicago Whole Foods. He ended up showing up anyway, likely out of sheer terror. But what a surprise! He dumped her a few weeks later.
See the beginning of the end of the Jordan friendship in the links above. Jordan’s escape came exactly a year after MareMare BeachHair also fled after throwing the elegant “New York Leg” of BiPolar Birthcray 2009 that allegedly didn’t live up to Donkey’s expectations. A pissed-off Mary left the party, met up with Pocket Gay in the Oak Room, and before long had bolted from NonSociety before it even had a chance to be sold for fuck-you money. Oh wait, it didn’t get sold for fuck-you money? You don’t say!
Tears and tantrums.
Feast your eyes, kittens, on possibly the most revelatory sequence of photographs ever taken of an unfiltered donkey in the wild and in the full throes of Birthcray Madness. This is actually my favorite-ever Donkey Episode.
Yes, I take you back to Birthcray 2009, when Randi’s birthday cake was lovingly prepared by the Facebook pastry chef with Julia’s name horrifyingly absent.
Indeed, Randi’s actual friends made sure Donk’s name was left off the cake since they resented how the braying, manipulative fame-whore had elbowed her way into the festivities. So what’s a donkey to do? First, try not to cry.
Then blow out the candles before Randi has a chance to.
From a more terrifying angle:
And then, when you get back to whatever couch you’re crashing on to blog about the party, you make sure to edit a big chunk out of the cake so your many “fans” don’t see that you were cut out of it.
Lunatic behavior? Not at all! And it’s not like you got drunk or anything because everyone knows you NEVER drink, unless it’s just in sips.
Honestly. Nothing has ever been quite as telling as these photos.
So what about this year? There’s been barely a peep about Randi, a new mother and serious bidness lady (LOL), nor about any joint festivities in 2012. Donk claims her “friends” already threw a New York birthday party for her last week; others say it was simply a dinner party and were a bit stunned to see her pronouncing on Facebook and Twitter that it was a Princess Pretty Petal Party three weeks before her actual birthday.
She was coy on Twitter today when asked about BiPolar Birthcray Bash 2012 by whatsherface.
JuliaAllison: @shiralazar – Randi & I planned a joint bday for Feb 28 in SF, but that is being moved because of a surprise. I’ll send you an email. 😉
But one thing we have learned: the Bravo show is still filming. We repeat: The cameras are still rolling. And so this could be the reason for the secrecy about this year’s instalment of Birthcray goodness. Has Randi finally agreed to appear on the show? What man will flee this year? What friendships will lie in ruins? Will there be gluten-free cupcakes or will she have to drop the charade and party like it’s 2009?
And will she look like this a few days later, all cry-face-y and fucked up because something just wasn’t quite perfect for her special day?
Should be interesting!