How Not To Snag A Husband In 30 Years

 

 

Julie Albertson, moron, has recently expressed dismay that she cannot land a husband. She reallly realllly realllllllly wants to get married and have kids, bunnies; it is time!! And she really cannot understand why it’s not happening for her.

My response to that: Donkey, buy a fucking clue.

I am not suggesting for a moment that women have to be chefs in the kitchen, maids in the living room and whores in the bedroom, as Jerry Hall once said, but generally it’s helpful to have competence in some area of life in order to attract a member of the opposite sex. Being insane, stalking exes and Googling yourself don’t really count as assets that would enhance a lifelong partnership.

In the past several days, Donk has publicly revealed herself to be incapable of unpacking furniture and boxes for a two-bedroom apartment, to go grocery shopping, to do minimal cleaning, or to figure out how to arrange her furniture or hang “art,” also known as various portraits of herself. She cannot cook. She can’t hold down a job. She won’t stick to a workout regimen. She claims to have a disease that she knows nothing about. She takes to Twitter to ask questions she should already know the answers to. The most routine and mundane of life’s chores — moving and unpacking — have proven so overwhelming to her that she had to hire outside help. She misses her Mommy because clearly she wants her there to do the heavy lifting, and by the way, men find it so attractive when adult women cry for their Mommys for no reason at all.

In the unlikely event any man would ponder getting serious with such a developmentally stunted bonehead, how the fuck would she ever raise children? She is clearly never going to be the primary breadwinner in any home, so how does she plan to manage a household and take care of children when she cannot take care of herself and a dog or a two-bedroom stinking apartment?

And why does she think it’s adorable to advertise what a helpless, clueless tool she is?

Donkey, check yourself. Most of the men of your generation were very likely raised by working mothers who took care of them, managed the household and brought home a paycheck. They will be repulsed by your princess tendencies, not charmed by them. If you can’t figure out why you can’t hold onto an adult relationship, try becoming an adult first. Learn to stand on your own two feet. Take a cooking glass. Set up your own stinking apartment and if you don’t like it, start over again. Unpack your own shit and clean up your own messes, and that includes all the messes you make in your personal life. Grow the fuck up and maybe by the time you’re 40, if you’re lucky, you’ll snag a husband. Yes, it will take that long, because you are at least 15 years behind people your own age. Now shut up and sit down.

192 COMMENTS

  1. Snark aside, I don’t think she is capable of loving another being* selflessly. I feel badly for any child she might have.

    *I could have said “human” but clearly animals are in this category too.

    • Yes, love, affection, emphathy are all required by the smalls, especially when they’re sick or troubled or dealing with something. My own child seems to face a “major” issue weekly these days and expects concern and support, as well as guidance. How’s donkey going to provide any of that? Poor little small that may ever fall into her clutches.

    • I agree completely. She would be a nightmare as a mother.

      I don’t know if any of you guys follow Tracie Egan on Tumblr, the married young mother formerly known as Slut Machine. She used to write for Jexebel, apparently; I didn’t ever read that blog very much so don’t remember her that well except for when she did/said some weird shit about feminism.

      Anyway, she had a baby a couple of months ago and all she writes about is how much she hates being a mother, basically. Just whine whine whine bitch bitch bitch. I feel sorry for the kid every time one of my outraged friends sends me the link to her blog. I know being a new mother is difficult, but Jesus, she’s not written a single positive word about how joyous it can be as well, and how enthralled she is with her baby. I guess that’s because she isn’t. Donk will be that way.

      p.s. I sooooo wish GOMI would take her on. Now there’s a truly worthy target.

      • I remember that Tracie/slut woman. Dear god, she made a small? I’ve heard that borderline personality disorder is part not getting your emotional needs met as a child, so as an adult, you continually need for the thing you lacked during childhood and are so focused on getting it that you’re not capable of seeing others’ needs. It seems like a vicious cycle. Well-adjusted is practically a unicorn these days.

      • I respectfully disagree. I just went and looked at her Tumblr, expecting to see some awful stuff, and it was fairly tame. Have you had a child? I have a 13 month old who is the light and joy of my life (just ask Mcakez, she’ll roll her eyes) and I felt EXACTLY the same way that Tracie Egan does. It freaking sucks the first six to eight weeks or so. I remember before I had a child I thought all parents of newborns were having these beautiful bonding experiences with their children and in truth it actually is just really hard. Near-constant breastfeeding and pain, no sleep, a lot of fear, a lot of uncertainty about how to manage the little one’s needs, often crying that can’t be stopped. I don’t think it can be understood until you go through it, just the depth of despair you go through. Tracie’s posts are relatively tame. And I actually see quite a bit of tenderness in some of the photos she posts of her daughter.

        • I went through it alone, as a single parent, in a town where I had no family, while I was studying for and taking the bar exam for the first time and starting a pressure filled year as a first-year associate, while finances were extremely tight, and I can tell you, resentment is not normal. Cut out the breastfeeding if it’s not working, get a good formula that fills your little one, but being unhappy at the being a mother to this little helpless thing is waaaaay not typical. It’s hard, but it’s all worth it because the little one is all worth it. If you don’t naturally feel extreme love and protection for the little guy, then something is off.

          • Resentment is totally not normal. Could not agree more. Fatigue, exhaustion, self-doubt, weepiness at times, sure. But resentment? No. And I would say this of a dude, too … which is why I am no longer married. He totally resented being a father despite initially being all for it.

        • I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me but YES, and I found it to be one of the most joyous times of my life. No, it was no picnic, parts of it were really difficult, but I fell madly in love with my baby and was absolutely overjoyed even when in pain from nursing and exhausted and feeling fat and ugly. I haven’t read a single post she’s written where she’s had anything positive to say. It’s a bit off, like she’s got untreated post-partum and is doing her therapy by bitching about it on her blog.

          • Hmmmm, maybe I’m not picking up on the resentment because I’m reading it as snarkiness. And I actually agree, I thought postpartum too (I also had it so maybe that’s why I relate to it so much).

          • But even snarkiness is a bit off when writing about your infant. I don’t know, that one post where she was bitching about how no one told her that it was an absolute nightmare and that there was nothing good about it really struck me as off. There was not a single positive thing said about the kid. Wasn’t there some line like: I suppose she has the odd moment of cuteness. Like whoa, lady. That’s your kid. Anyway, I don’t want to go back and read it but it just struck me as something she might want to discuss with a shrink, not blog about. Maybe she should be on some kind of anti-depressant.

            But to get back to the Donkey at hand — imagine if she does in fact land some hot guy and she has a girl, and the guy fawns over the baby girl and Donk feels neglected and like her pretty pink princess shtick is being co-opted. Donk will go snake. Thankfully we don’t need to worry about that however since she will never snag a husband.

          • God, can you imagine? She’d totally be Mommie Dearest, dressing her up like a pretty pink dolly when she’s little and then going completely insane if the kid either a. was not tiny and cute or b. even worse, was far prettier than Mommy.

          • Donkeyhausen trying to run a household and raising a little girl would be an unholy mashup of the absolute worst, most cringe-worthy moments from “Toddlers and Tiaras,” “Dance Moms,” and “The Real Housewives,” with cameos from “Animal Precinct” (FREE LILY!) So much cray-cray. Actually, filming and airing that trainwreck would single-handedly destroy several reality franchises, while simultaneously triggering the final death throes of American Cultural Capital. Chills.

          • Jacy!!! I didn’t know you have a wee one!!! I agree with you about the resentment part. After my oldest was born, I was brutally unprepared for the enormity of change that had come into my life. I failed at nursing, I failed at ‘instant’ bonding, I failed at it all and I was filled w/ regret, fear, resentment and mourning. I grieved and I didn’t know why. Know what I found out? It’s post partum depression. Something that needs to be treated. I am forever grateful to the many people in my life who would not let me consider my feelings ‘normal’. When you’re in that place, it feels normal but it’s not. Thankfully, we live in a time where there are meds to dig a person out of that hole. I was one of the lucky ones to be able to get out of that place. To separate the normal, physical exhaustion and normal worries and throw out the ‘resentment’. She should probably see her doctor, not post this on the internet.

      • You know, I have been a long time reader of Traci’s blog and I wasn’t offended by her posts on motherhood. I honestly thought she was rather brave to be so honest about her deep frustrations. Sure the post in question was a bit eye brow raising, but Traci, as a writer, has always been a bit snarky and dark. I’m really not surprised that her mommy/life blog reflects that. I would never put Traci in the same league as JA, mainly because she’s intelligent, witty, and self aware. So she’s having a bit of a whiny streak, it happens. I don’t think the 5 posts she made since her baby’s birth are a comprehensive picture of her mothering capabilities. I mean did you see her baby’s Halloween pic? I think the love and affection shows through.

        • She is too dark for me, I guess. How about an expression of delight in the gorgeous child you produced? Just one? One anecdote that’s happy? Is she too hip for it? That’s how it strikes me.

        • Showing off your kid’s cuteness or attractiveness isn’t a sign of love. It’s the same as posting attractive pictures of yourself, as the kid is a reflection of you. The love you have for a child is most evident in the moments you’re alone. If she’s writing about those moments with resentment, snark and darkness, there is something off.

          In fact, I think there’s something off with a lot of our navel-gazing, self-referential, blogging generation. There’s something missing. We’re all so busy being special, unique, talented, exceptional, extraordinary and famous that we don’t know how to be alone. There’s no real appreciation for ourselves and what we are beneath the resume. That type of person has a really hard time finding love and being happy because they don’t love themselves and by extension can’t love others. Until that is fixed, that broken part, becoming a parent is asking for trouble. I read these types on Gawker and the like. They write good snark, but that’s all there is. Nothing below all the free-flowing rage. And turning that rage onto an innocent small is cruel.

        • Before indulging in their pointless vanity fix, it’d be nice if mommy bloggers considered the fact that one day their kids will read their old posts. Can you imagine how emotionally damaging it could be to a 10 year old to read a bunch of post-partum posts written by their own mother?

          • Exactly. And your in-laws. If I were the grandparents of that kid, and I read that one post, I’d be seriously concerned.

        • I’ve read Tracie’s blog for years, so far back I remember the early days on her old blog when she used to write about having sex with strangers coked up in Vegas bathrooms. I used to watch her and her friend Rich’s advice segments “Pot Psychology” and I totally agree with Jacy. She is resentful about the kid.

          When she first said something about wanting to be a mother on “Pot Psychology” Rich, who is supposed to be one of her best friends, said “What?!” and gave her major side eye. I remember Slut Machine getting pissed off and asking Rich, “You don’t think I’ll be a good mother?” Rich didn’t answer and the rest of the episode was really awkward.

          One of her first posts on Jezebel after her maternity leave was titled “Ten Things I Wish I had Done Before I Got Pregnant” moaning about how she cant go see Celine Dion in Vegas because she’s afraid her child can’t travel yet. I also can’t believe the weight loss post on her Tumblr. She continued to be a fast food junkie throughout her pregnancy so she did gain a ton of weight and now she writes that she wishes she could lose weight like she did when she didn’t have a kid. “Cigarettes and amphetamines.” Ok, then. I’m also sad that Slut Machine left her aging dog with her parents, who aren’t even bathing the poor thing and leaving her fur matted, all this time because she can’t handle a dog and a newborn.

          • Positively Donkey-ish. Someone said “self-aware” but I have not noticed any self-awareness when I went back last night and read stuff she’s written over the years.

          • UGH fucking Tracie Egan. I also have read her blog for years. She wrote allllll the time about doing tons of coke, fucking lots of random guys, and having no shame, which to each her own, etc. She even gave herself the moniker “Slut Machine.” Then she met her now husband, closed her slut machine blog, wanted to be known by her real name, and went from being cokehead slut machine to wannabe housewife within the span of like a year.
            She’s written lots of stupid and offensive things, and never owns up to it, just mocks those who disagree with her. I was actually shocked when I found out she was pregnant, because from reading her for years the view I have of her is a selfish, self-absorbed, spoiled, and narcissistic hipster.

          • Meow Mix: I have been reading her stuff for the past day or so and yes, exactly, agree entirely. She seems quite awful, to be honest. Like the dark, hipster version of Donk but without so much pink and so many fauxto shoots. She’d be a great GOMI subject.

          • Come on now, people. The cigarettes and amphetamines was a sarcastic joke. As was the bathing the dog thing. She has a very dark, sardonic sense of humor. Can’t believe I’m defending this woman, but most of what she writes is satirical. Of course it comes off as crazy if you read it as straight.

          • Really? Those are jokes? What’s the punchline? I don’t buy that she’s kidding around. She’s dark, period, and puts it out there, for sure, but then seems to react really badly when people call her on it. I don’t pick up on any suggestion that she’s kidding around and it’s all satire. Has she identified herself as a satirist? If so, she seems to have no sense of humor about herself. I see some real Donk parallels although obviously they have very different “schticks.”

      • I’m no Tracie Egan defender, but I wish more mothers would be more honest about their negative feelings after giving birth. I read accounts from new mothers where I’m just like…”there is no possible way things are so GRAND all the time.” It always reminds me of the Bell Jar, in the passage where Plath describes how the process of giving birth is horrifying, but also like entering a dark tunnel, and on the other side you’ve forgotten all about it so you can pass on the idea to other unsuspecting women.

        Anyway, I don’t really see an issue with her expressions of unhappiness. Shit is hard.

  2. She needs a rich, ugly old dude who gets off on taking care of princess types. There are plenty of men who are drawn to the mildly attractive, incompetent. I have a friend like Jaba who has never been single because she seemingly has a bottomless pool of men who get off on taking care of her. Scary thing is, she’s getting older and losing her looks, so I don’t know how she’s going to fare long-term. One thing’s for sure—she’s not moving in with me.

    Speaking of which, how is Ms. Price going to deal with living in a Jabby chic apartment, decorated with tutus and Ikea portraits of Julie Albertson? Aren’t they SHARING? This should be fun.

    • I love these ridiculous people who have A Wall of Me!!
      you know, fake Warhol of ME! as a Star! and a bizillion photos
      of “friends” from college (at 30?). and the the cheaply framed
      photos of Me! and Sacred Intact Family

    • She’s too vain to settle for an old ugly dude, even if he’s loaded. She thinks she deserves a hot wealthy young Ivy Leaguer who will take care of her.

      • I recently realized that I think she is the same person as Kim from the Atlanta Housewives. Lots of vanity photoshoots, wants to get famous without doing work, thinks she deserves a hot young thing, fake hair, looks a lot older than she is. Everything worked out the way she planned for her though, hot young football hubs!

        • Maybe because she made some serious coin from the show and its aftermath? Seriously, what does Donk have to offer someone? I guess that is what I was getting at. What does she bring to the table in a relationship? Hummers for shoes will only get you so far.

      • I don’t think you’re being fair to Julia. I personally think she absolutely deserves the hot wealthy young Ivy League grad.

        Try to be objective: she has a Yale tote bag, humped a tiger at Princeton, wears an MIT cap, was a pre-frosh at Harvard and has completed the Stanford Loop.

        You’re just blinded by jealousy…

      • No just young, but younger. Haven’t most of the guys, recently, been younger than her? But even those guys end up being more mature than our JABA.

        • Pancakes, PromDork, and TK are younger (Pancakes by 4 years). Greasy is the same age, I think. iDonk was maybe a year older, but iDonk never had a chance at all. I don’t think Donk realized how low iDonk was on the Apple totem pole when she briefly dated him.

    • Doesn’t Price have her own place in California? And in New York? Where Donkey has couch surfed several times?
      I guess what I’m getting at is Is Price really going to be living with Donkey full time or just when the cameras are there? If it’s the latter then I’m sure she could give a crap how it’s decorated.

      • Price (Ilowiecki) has a loaded family and has her own place in NYC. Not sure about LA, but it’s not like she *needed* to room with Donks… which makes me suspicious that she might actually be using the Donk to get “exposure” on the show. Which makes me feel sad for Ilowiecki… another dumb girl about to get pwned by Jabs….

        • Price (Ilowiecki) has a loaded family

          How do you know that? She’s from Troy, New York, which is hardly a hotbed of money, and my Plucky Teen Detective-ing suggests that her family members mostly went to New York state schools, which generally suggests not tons of money floating around in the family.

          She went to University of Miami, but all the newspaper coverage I’ve read about her makes a big deal out of it and credits her for lots of pluck and determination. That just doesn’t sound like “loaded family” to me.

          • “Plucky Teen Detective-ing” limited here to looking at her Facebook friends list. I am a Lazy Teen Detective as well!

        • My dream is to lure CDB into my polyandrous cult. I know he and my current huscat would be happy as brother-husbands, and I’m sure they’d both like Idris Elba. I won’t even make them wear a special goofy cult uniform, because I’m benevolent like that.

  3. Applause, Jacy!

    [img]http://www.gifsforum.com/images/gif/clap%20clap%20clap/grand/obama_applause_gif.gif[/img]

  4. The thing about Julia is that no matter how idiotic and ridiculous she is, she is still desired by many men who really don’t give a shit if she is idiotic and ridiculous because they just want to bang her.

    Men are stoopit. And that’s what Julia’s banking on.

    • But she won’t marry a guy like that. Bang him, perhaps, but she is aiming high for husband material and she is never, ever going to snag the kind of guy she thinks she deserves.

      • Re: the men that Julia thinks she deserves, they can detect the cracks early, less so for those less sophisticated at the time, e.g. [Redacted] and Pancakes. And the stench of desperation is increasing with age. Exhibit A: The Pancakes kamikaze move and sustained squatting. It’s just going to get worse for the targets but funnier for us. Giggle and POINT.

    • she is still desired by many men

      Cite?

      I am not seeing it. Brief pump-and-dump, sure. Actual being willing to put up with her in a relationship? Not so much.

      Back before she broke her face, she was still cute enough for her horrible personality to slide. Now she’s got neither cute nor personality to recommend her.

  5. You may have a point there. Except that rich trophy-wife-seeking men don’t care how much of a moron their wives are. On the OTHER hand, she seems to like young boys, not older gents. So, yeah, I’m thinking you might be right.

    • Also, a rich guy seeking a trophy could do way, way better than JA. She’s past her expiration date, for one thing!!!

    • [img]http://www.noveltytrophies.com/store/prodimages/bobble/PDU-52712GS.jpg[/img]

      The best part about this Donkey trophy is it comes with a Bobble Butt.

    • There’s two problems with that:
      1) Donkey wouldn’t settle for a trophy wife hunter. She thinks she deserves a young, hot, super smart stud who loves her for her mind.
      2) While Donkey is ok looking enough (although I really do think she done some seriously wonky stuff to her face in the last year), she’s not relentlessly polished enough to be a trophy. Those women put A LOT of time and effort into their looks. They work out, spend time getting their hair and make-up done by professionals, where fashionably reveling clothing. Donkey’s too lazy for that. She may use professionals when they offer free services, but she would never pay out of pocket to keep it up. Hence her uneven look. And I’m not just talking about her cheeks.

    • There are many younger, far better looking, and more easy going women out there looking for sugar daddies. Donkerina missed the boat on that one.

    • It absolutely matters how smart your wife is. Maybe a dumb guy thinks “I want the hottest woman available, I don’t care about anything else”. But most guys factor a woman’s intelligence into the equation, especially if you’re in certain lines of work. People judge you by your spouse and picking an abrasive, loud, know-nothing like Julia doesn’t win much respect.

      And then, of course, you have the fact that Julia hasn’t been looking good for at least 2 yrs now. She just couldn’t leave her 2006-7 looks alone and by 2009 she looked like a cross between the Joker and Courtney Stodden.

  6. It pains me to say this, but she is a good-looking woman. Her moronic, narcissistic personality is extremely unattractive. But taking her just at her appearance, she is quite good looking. Better than the average woman. And she’s not past any expiration date. I know women in their 30’s and 40’s who look damn good and manage to snag worthy husbands.

    • I agree. I didn’t mean because she’s hideous, I mean because of all her other mental issues. If you’re going to go for a trophy wife, and you have a choice between two attractive women — one sane and one clearly off her nut — most guys are going to choose the sane woman.

  7. She’s caught in a nice loop: she always finds intolerable flaws in anyone she dates, she doesn’t trust anyone, she plays helpless but is an iron-willed control freak, no one can ever have enough money or power or fame to fix everything she hates about herself. Even fucked up guys seem to catch on that dealing with her insecurities is like pounding sand down a rat-hole.

  8. She really seems nuts. I mean really. I’m kinda new to this party. And when I first came across JA, it was because a twitter friend was sometimes tweeting obsequious/kiss-assy things to her. And I was like, who is this woman wearing pink cowboy boots? She’s pretty, I thought to myself. So I started following her to see what she was about. And then it became quickly, and I do mean QUICKLY, apparent, that she is a narcissistic NUTJOB. Seriously borderline personality. And then I found you. 🙂

    • Welcome home, darling.
      [img]http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/6/26/crazycatlady128590165083576199.jpg[/img]

    • [img]http://api.ning.com/files/3E3iO2YBgZdIl8NcxOyTRN2h7HMoBoRFc1R*87W0UheUBYbVN2wDsMK*oExik0l9N2yUxCwvQ4WiGDDqNzIVTQ__/Cat.gif[/img]

    • Ah yes, I remember my first JA moment. It was in the Gondola. Then I too went through the looking glass.

      • For me, it was the photo of her in the pink sweater, , puffy skirt, heels and legwarmers in Venice Beach with her head thrown back and one leg posed just so like a complete fucking tool. I actually thought the photo had to be some kind of joke. But no, she described it on her blog as her favorite photo ever taken of her. And then I saw there were thousands and thousands of photos.

  9. She has crowd-sourced for a free interior decorator what- 12 times already? Seriously, she’s been bringing that shit up for the last 5 months, desperately hoping some poor fool will volunteer their services gratis. Decorate your own apartment, you lazy cow! Pathetic, our donkey is.

  10. This post gets ten stars from me.

    While I’m not a fan of Tracie Egan, I find her motherhood posts right on. That early shit is relentlessly hard and initially thankless, and everyone glosses over it, whether it’s their brain prepping them for baby 2 or they just had an easier time of it. This is the first time ice found her writing honest and relatable.

    • It’s true. No one tells you how bad it’s going to be, and even those who do, you don’t want to hear it, for obvious reasons. I don’t miss those early days.

      • I agree skirt pull. It was a bitter-sweet time and I felt like I had been duped. One time I asked a mother why no one ever warns you and she said many want to, but the fantasy is easier to swallow. That said, there ‘should’ also be times when you just stare, transfixed, at this amazing little creature realizing this is all that matters. IDK… the second time around, and I had twins, it was sooooo much better. Even during those ‘ick’ moments, I knew they’d never be lived again and I thouroughly enjoyed the good and bad times. Now I look at my previous life and wonder who that person was. I kinda like being that snarky, smart-assed mom who likes wine and is not Donna Reed. But my kids can always jump in my lap because it’s soft and warm and I hug them until they let go. Always hug until THEY let go.

    • I guess I was lucky because while I agree it was difficult, I found it more of a joyous time than a terrible time. I really think back on those days as the happiest of my life even with the cracked nips, the total exhaustion and the freaked out husband whose NPD was emerging.

      • Bra-fucking-vo on this post. She has nothing to offer, but thinks that because she is “hot” all guys want to be with her. Delusional Donkey is delusional.

        P.S. totally never knew that you were a mom!

      • I’m envious of you. I am MADLY in love with my daughter and even though I bonded with her from the second they put her on my chest, I really had a hard time those first 6 weeks. Hardest of my life. I wanted more than anything for those early days to be the happiest of my life, to be able to enjoy how lucky I was to have this beautiful baby girl, but they weren’t. Maybe with earlier treatment for PPD, they would have been.

  11. Maybe this is ridiculous, but I think the only person who would actually marry Julia is a real sick fuck who was looking for someone to exploit. As hard as it is to believe, there are worse people out there than her. Her needs are so transparent that she would be easy to manipulate. For example, she thinks a man who buys a woman a pair of expensive shoes deserves a blow job. She is so consumed with herself that her hypothetical husband could have a dog-fighting ring or a rape dungeon, and she would never even notice.

    Or on the other hand, a totally emotionally-damaged masochist might be able to deal with her in the long-term, but I don’t think she would find that type of person attractive. Now that she’s totally desperate and living in the land of fame, excess, I really think she’s going to attract some shitty guys, since her only criteria for a potential boyfriend is: money, potential as an accessory, and attentiveness.

    #armchairpsychology

  12. I’ve been lurking on and off since the Lodwick days and for whatever reason lately her need to snag a husband has driven me even more crazy than usual. As a newlywed myself, I find her practically pre-teen views on marriage really obnoxious. She has no capacity for compromise or responsibility in friendships and dating relationships, let alone a lifetime commitment.

    My theory: The kind of guy she ends up duping into marrying her is going to be some kind of Ivy League loner who just got dumped by a tiny and cute grad student and when he meets JAB and she pretends to like everything he likes (like a seventh grader with low self-esteem) which we all know is her MO, he will be in such a low place that he latches onto her crazy idea of what a relationship should be and provides a ridiculous Disney Princess Dream Wedding for her. Cut to six months later when he wakes up in the middle of the night to his lovely bride hacking into his email account, the glow of his computer shining on her greasy hair that hasn’t been washed in weeks, accusing him of e-cheating on her because he he replied to some female coworker’s email, and he will wonder what the hell he got himself into.

    • Good point. I could totally see her snagging a heartbroken dude and completely pulling the wool over his eyes for awhile.

    • Definitely think there is something to this theory. I suspect a short courtship is the only safe bet for her, you know, before he really discovers the crazy. And then she can have a story about the magical whimsy of a romance!

      • Not to mention being able to say “my husband” (or more likely a cutesy variation like “husby”, “hubs”, “DH”) over 500x a day, just like “my boyfriend” “the boy” etc. whenever she had one. Then there’s the implication that someone is so deeply in love with her that they can’t imagine life without her, they MUST have her all to themselves, and therefore chose to put a ring on it before someone else caught her attention and lured her away.

        That last one is clear in her constant OBOing and immature (not to mention transparent) schemes to force her current target to make it exclusive (or rather, propose already!) through thinly veiled wedding posts ad nauseum. Not to mention tweeting herself flirting/hanging with/dating multiple people AFTER having making it appear as if things were getting serious with whoever she is currently dating and is therefore trying to make jealous. Highly insecure behavior and always a clue that JA is feeling neglected at not being treated as the special snowflake pretty pink princess she thinks she deserves to be. The actual challenging part of it and any effort towards sustaining a marriage after the wedding is long over and cutesy husband nicknames are no longer novel? Absolutely not.

  13. I agree with Jacy. It’s hard to imagine not one moment of joy or awe at a new kitten. that said, I think there is some PPD going on with that traci person. I’d never heard of her but went over to check the posts out. Is she just a severe person in general? Damn that baby is enormous. And very cute. I had a mild case of PPD the first 6 weeks. It’s rough but somehow I knew to breathe in that dreamy time. I couldn’t have loved the kitten more but those hormones are powerful.

    Which is all to say that unless JA does a complete turnaround as a human being, I don’t think she is in any way fit to be a mother. Then again, I fully expect her to hire night nurses and nannies to pull her through. NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I have plenty of friends who have gotten help, particularly those with twin kittens. But they used them as a supplement, for lack of a better explanation, to learn and become better mothers.

    Anyhow I’m delirious. Traveled all day with now toddler kitten. Flight delayed, no nap, just got him down at 11pm for fucksake. 6 months pregnant and exhausted. Nothing glamorous about it. Wouldn’t trade for the world. Hurray for me not being Julia!

    I didn’t know Jacy was a mama cat either!

    • I know! I am so delighted that our Mama Cat is an actual Mama. I have three kittens under 7 years old, and life is just constant work and chaos. I was a bit of a selfish bitch when I was in my twenties, and let me tell you, marriage and then kids knocked that shit right out of me.

    • I had also never heard of her, went over to her blog and read the posts, and IMMEDIATELY started yelling PPD in my head. I’m in my mid-twenties and don’t know many people with kids (just my cousins), and even I could see that giant red flag blowing in the wind.

  14. Totally OT, but yesterday my catfriend and I completed one of these: http://toughmudder.com/

    Which means that we’ve officially done more for the Wounded Warrior Project than JA, despite the fact that neither of us have ever in our lives professed any attachment to or fondness for this particular charity.

    Yuuuup.

    (Also, other than pointing that out, I totally just wanted to shamelessly brag. I finished a 12-mile Tough Mudder, everyone!!)

    • Thank you!!

      I’m incredibly proud of myself and my catfriend, possibly even moreso because about 3/4 of the course was covered in freezing cold water that ranged from ankle-high to chest-high…and it was in Indiana. In November. Definitely one of the biggest accomplishments of my life, that’s for sure.

    • Well thanks for making me feel like a loser. I only did a Warrior Dash yesterday. My goal is to do a tough mudder.

      • Really? Well congrats on the Warrior Dash! And if you really do plan on doing a Tough Mudder, I highly recommend it. Though, I also highly recommend doing it in the summer. The cold weather made some parts that weren’t even official obstacles pretty difficult as a result (like, every time we had to traipse through knee-high water…)

        You can see my e-mail address, right? Send me a message if you ever want more specific tips (about training, gear, etc.) or have any questions about it. Happy to answer.

        • Oh man I’ve always wanted to do a Warrior Dash, but I don’t think I’d survive the Tough Mudder.

          • Don’t rule it out! It’s challenging, but do-able. Also, you can go around any obstacles that you want to skip, which was a huge comfort when I was freaking out in the weeks beforehand. We both chose to walk right by the “Walk the Plank” obstacle, since there was no way we were gonna take a 20 foot jump down into a frozen lake in that weather (though we did run through the field of 10,000 volt wires, so I guess our judgment wasn’t 100% on the side of cautious safety…) Also, the camaraderie there is unbelievable. Everyone helps each other out and is there to lend a hand. I had giant guys I’d never met before running over to give me a hand and push me over 12 foot walls, and I ended up accidentally palming another girl’s ass as she started to slide down a mud mountain and I caught her and pushed her back up. That’s the spirit of the thing, and everyone’s really trying their hardest to help the person next to them finish. I get frustrated pretty easily (I’ve come embarrassingly close to throwing tantrums when I go running with my boyfriend and my pace is slower than usual), so I was semi-expecting to have a couple of meltdowns mid-course, but the atmosphere is so fun and helpful that I spent almost the whole time smiling and laughing.

            So, tl;dr version, seriously don’t rule it out. It’s a LOT of fun, and yes, grueling, but if you work out regularly you can definitely work up to doing it. Especially if it’s in somewhat warmer weather… (70-80 degrees or so would probably be optimal, I’m guessing).

  15. I think it’s fine that she’s incompetent, she just needs to stop demanding a competent man. Her refusal to date in her “league” is the problem.
    Julie, either step up your game (as suggested in this post) or lower your standards.

    • Agreed. She’s way too greedy. For that I often wonder just how was this chick raised, as always being told she’s a special snowflake or is this all from her own ego etc? Inquiring minds are inquisitive.

      • I think she’s just a legend in her own mind. She’s a SOOPER HAWT BIDNESS LADY, so she deserves to be the other half of a power couple.
        Did you know she was on the cover of wired? Yeah, she’s THAT awesome.

  16. OT: I mostly look at rbd on my iPhone. The posts come in order of time. So there might be 4 posts in a row from JFA (always a favorite!) but really she’s answering 4 different threads. Any way I can see in order of the threads? I guess I just need to click it off of mobile right?

  17. On another note:

    From jools:
    A rainy drive down PCH this Sunday morning, watching the ocean waves break … feeling very light, very free. Very interconnected.

    Hee. What a tool. I want to LOL but I’m happily ensconced, snuggled up in a blanket on my folks’ couch. Don’t feel like explaining what’s so funny/sad.

    • It should be noted that she actually tweeted this twice, because she failed to mentioned her interconnected waves crashing on the beach the first time. I am also happily ensconced (in my bed, thanks hangover) and trying to decide what movie to watch after spending a delightful weekend with my bf and all of my wonderful friends. SUCK IT HOOLIA.

      • I love her multiple tweets trying to get it exactly right. Honey, your tweets are always vapid and boring. Stop trying.

        • Maybe I live in a bubble because most girls I know were English majors (and that includes many of you), but come on! Who else besides Donk fails at tweeting??? I have never in my life written a second draft of a text message I sent on my cell phone, nor have I received one. If a 140-character blog is too hard for Donkey, maybe she should just regress to tweeting emoticons. She is a supposed expert on social media and tweeting yet she has difficulty expressing her innermost JuliaJuliaJulia thoughts in a single coherent sentence at once.

          It’s as if she is trying to keep us updated with her 0-day thoughts because we’re on the edge of our fucking seat. Dude, think about what you want to convey and edit that shit ONCE. YOU ARE THIRTY FUCKING YEARS OLD. ACT LIKE A PROFESSIONAL, NOT A TWEEN FOR ONCE IN YOUR GODDAMN LIFE.

          • Honestly, if I’m sending a quick tweet and I make a big typo (usually thanks to iPhone’s autocorrect feature, which changes “awww” to “sewers” etc.) then I’ll go back and correct it quickly, but that’s because I was an English major and don’t like it when my name is attached to stupid errors.

            On the other hoof, Donkey does second, third, and even fourth drafts at times, not to fix a typo, but to add more details to make herself seem cooler. For example, she had to add a reference to the beach here, because CALIFORNIA = SUN AND FUN even on a rainy day, and when New Yorkers see the mention of waves, they will obviously shit themselves with jealousy and call her asap to come visit. And sign a release form. Because, you know, she’s famous now, and living near the beach, so duhhhh.

  18. Anyone driving today in Santa Monica or Malibu better be going to the hospital OT some other emergency. It is posing rain, the streets are flooded and it’s no time to be driving and staring at the surf and texting. It’s a great day to be inside her new apartment and cleaning herself. She’s NOT a driver the last thing she needs to be doing is be on PCH. Her cluelessness is really astounding. Jeebus.

      • I got that, but I don’t know why anyone would drive in this soup. On a Sunday. I don’t think she has to get to work. Not to mention PCH has effing rockslides when it rains. She just want to say “Malibu” and PCH on twitter. She’s trying to brag. I guess I should’ve just left it at, “stupid donkey”

  19. Well, My work here is done.
    Ladies and Gentlemen and Cat People, May I Present … THE IDIOT:

    Travel is staying in a place long enough to develop a ritua.l

    • Actually, I think staying in the same place is the exact opposite of travel. But what the hell do I know?

    • That seems exactly backwards.

      Also, your post reminds me of one of my favorite Flannery O’Connor stories from her letter.

      Flannery O’Connor’s Mother: What are you reading, Mary Flannery?

      Flannery O’Connor: The Idiot.

      Mother: Who’s it by?

      Flannery: Dostoevsky.

      Mother: What’s it about?

      Flannery: It’s about an idiot.

      Mother: It figures you would be reading that.

  20. Hey cat ladies and gentlemen who provided the link to the Season 2 episodes of “Downton Abbey” – THANK YOU!!! I just finished my binge, and it was totally worth the 8+ hours of slothfulness. Off to run and obsess further over Mary and Matthew. xo

    • I would also like to add my belated thanks. I tore through Seasons 1 and 2 while sick last week and it was perfect.

  21. So I remembered yesterday that I have “The Sims 3.” Since I also have a week off for fall break, I decided to dust it off. However I haven’t played in so long that none of my saved games appealed to me, since I had basically played it for a week when I first got it — several months ago — and I can’t even remember what was going on in those games.

    Long story short, I started a “Julie Allisim” campaign. She has the traits: over-emotional, excitable, snob, mooch and a schmoozer. She has a life goal of being a ‘gold digger’ (marry rich, then have husband die.) I also created the ‘exes’ house and dumped ‘Rake Oddwick,’ ‘Jack Flaps,’ ‘Levin Rodes’ and ‘Tofu Eggs’ into it.

    I will try and maybe create a tumblr or something and drop my screen caps/storyline in there, if I get around to it or if anyone wants to see.

    It’s kind of awesomely humorous how much I’ve managed to make the whole thing resemble her life:
    * She has never bothered to learn the basics of writing, even though her career is ‘journalism,’ but she has managed to use her schmooze ability to ‘suck up to boss’ enough to reach the level of ‘professional blogger.’

    * She never blogs and when she even bothers to show up to work she is always a few hours late.

    * She never talks to other females unless she can help it, and inappropriately flirts with just about every man she meets.

    * She drinks nothing but juice when she is home, and mooches off everyone else’s meals when she is out.

    * She is constantly mooching money off the men she talks to.

    * She loves to look at herself in the mirror. Also, there are pictures of her all over her studio apartment, and she is always claps with delight when she looks at them.

    * She doesn’t bathe very often, but it doesn’t seem to bother her.

    As for romance, she is still trying to get a ring on it. Rake Oddwick and her lived together for a minute, but had a huge falling out because of her cheating and because she kept calling him childish. In the end he called her a snob and then bailed — taking his two laptops with him (not really, but I wish the game would have allowed it!) Tofu Eggs hit it and quit it (he has ‘commitment issues.’) Kev Rose flirts with her, but has his own tiny and cute Asian girlfriend, and Jack hasn’t met her yet.

    In the midst of all that she broke up a marriage, tried to get with a few other dudes before discovering they were poors. For a minute she was romancing a semi-rich dude named Mortimer, but now she is trying to seduce his father, since he is old enough to kick the bucket and maybe leave all the money to her.

    She better get a move on it. She is about to move into the ‘elderly’ years.

    • This would be a good idea to post regular updates on a blog, kinda like a Sims soap opera, featuring Donk.. I’d add it to Google Reader 🙂

      • She married his father, Gunther. He died two days later, but for some reason doesn’t appear to be worth nearly as much as she thought. Also, she hasn’t seen his ghost yet, so her gold digging dream has not been realized.

        Also, to her sadness, Mortimer realized that she ‘overlapped’ him and his dad, so he screamed at her a lot for cheating on him and broke it off with her. After his father died she called him into a room and removed the door; she seduced Jack Flaps and WooHoo’ed in the room next to Mortimer while he starved to death over two days.

        Now the Goth mansion is all Shabby Cheek and she is happy as a clam.

  22. OT: but I saw [redacted] this morning, walk past me in SF and he was looking fine.

    That is all. Mazel Tov to him and his bride to be!

  23. OT, but Donks posted on TK’s facebook wall yesterday. “Lovely salon piece, T.”

    In 3 words and one half of T.K., she manages to do three things.
    1. I love how she’s acting like her accolades are worth anything (to him, to anyone). Yeah Julie, keep believing you’re an accomplished “writer” and your compliments really mean something. Does she think “lovely” is a sophisticated, writerly sort of compliment? Because…
    2. Did she read the piece? “Lovely” was the first descriptor she came up with? The piece isn’t lovely. The piece was actually kind of a (disappointing) no-brainer, he just articulated what everyone was already thinking and saying. It wasn’t complicated, it wasn’t interesting. But it was smart enough (and his name is cool enough) for Salon to run it. Lovely!? She is stupid.
    3. “Um yeah hi, I live in LA now and I’d like to publicly remind you of my existence and our TIES (and remind all of your friends too). Don’t I look hot as an upside down troll doll? Remember that girl? Remember FUCKING that girl? Pretty sure this WAS my “look” the few times we bangaranged til I cried. Call me!”

    Someone please take the internet away from this Donkey. I cringe.

    Mazel Tov to TK and his Salon column!

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