Julie Albertson Is Looking For People To Ask Her For Advice So She Can Pretend To Be An Advice Columnist On A “Reality” Show

 I’m working on a new project & I’m looking for young men or women in LA who need dating/love/career advice. Email me! Julia@NonSociety.com

Huh. Dating, love and career advice from someone whose dates flee after one or two, who can’t hold onto a man for more than a few weeks, and who can’t hold down a job. All for a “reality” show that is going to claim, falsely, that she is some kind of advice columnist even though she’s not. Makes so much sense.

All righty then!

Our commenters oblige (join in on the fun and leave yours in the comments and I will update the post periodically!):

Dear Julia Allison,

I recently started dating a guy and I started reading his texts and his emails while he’s asleep. There’s nothing alarming in them but I can’t stop! Is this wrong?
Signed,
Mental

*****************

Dear Julia Allison,
I can’t get over an ex. I’ve tried emailing him to request that we calmly talk things over but he’s not responding. I need closure and I’m thinking about reaching out to his very sweet current girlfriend (actually, they’re engaged). Help!
Signed,
Delusional

******************

Dear Julia Allison,
I envy that you live a life of flitting about the country with seemingly unlimited funds. Tell me, who are your career role models and what did they teach you?
Signed,
Dumdum

******************

Dear Julia Allison,

I recently approached a VC under the pretense of needing funding for my tech business, but in reality I was just hoping it would turn out to be a friendly, fun date. But now he’s offering me seed capital. What do I do?

Signed,
Bidness Ladee

*******************

Dear Julia Allison,

My expiry date is fast approaching and the seven chances I had for happiness in high school and college are in the distant past. Can you recommend an orthodontist, plastic surgeon, dietitian, hairdresser, physical trainer, manicurist, and stylist who can help me? Preferably male, single, straight!

PS: Like you, I have flown to San Francisco / Chicago / New York / LA, so I definitely consider myself to be a millennial nomad! Like you, I am also a tech founder (I have a blog), professional writer (I have a blog), artist (I once drew a heart in the sand and posted it on my blog), and most recently, web personality/social media pioneer (I videoed myself with my iphone and posted a link on my blog). We’re practically twin sisters! (But I’m a few years younger.)

Please help! (Do I have to sign a release so you can use this letter on your new show?)

xo
ic

******************

Dear Julia Allison,

I am a woman of a certain age. Oh, alright, I have passed the half century mark, if you must know. The trouble is, I can’t seem to stop blogging. I put up posts and shoot my own photos and I suspect in my heart it’s unseemly for me to continue at my age, but I just can’t seem to help myself. The “visitors” ticker just keeps going up and up and up and it fuels my desire to express myself like all the youngs, only with better grammar and more wisdom. Should I keep going and follow my dream, or would it be better to stick to throwing dinner parties and knitting tiny earmuffs for the grandkittens?

Signed,
Perplexed, Bothered and Bewildered


******************

Dear Julia Allison,

No one thinks I understand anything about myself because why would you. But I’m beginning to believe I have unusual reactions to the beginnings, the middles, and the ends of relationships. Other people don’t seem to feel much, compared to me. I get REALLY passionate, then indifferent, then passionate again. I worry this will effect my ability to marry, and really soon. Help?

Deeper Than Most

258 COMMENTS

  1. Dear Julia Allison:

    So I “obtained” a tiara from some bitch who hurt me and I don’t want anyone to ever know. But I can’t throw it out because at 4 a.m. every night, I like to put it on and stare at myself in the mirror singing “My Heart Belongs to Daddy” while telling myself over and over again how pretty I am with my new face. What should I do?

    Signed,
    Complete Fucking Freak

    • PS – as I said in the last thread – relationship advice from a woman who just admitted on her Facebook page she let 7 chances at happiness with a man go – LOLOLOLOL!!!! Yes, please help me, Julia…. bwahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

      • Well, the thing is that her “7 chances of lifelong happiness” were with high school and college boyfriends. So, yeah, those were probably zero chances of lifelong happiness, statistically speaking.

        • Oh, I’m with you on that… it’s just the fact that she can barely keep a man — and when she can she’s being underhanded, lying and deceitful to do it gives me LOLs that anyone would go to her for advice.

  2. Dear Julia Allison,
    My psychic says I am totally going to meet my future husband before Xmas! It will be love at first sight (for him) and she says we’ll be sharing a home together early in the New Year. But my horoscope says the middle of December isn’t a good time for me to enter into long-term contracts so OMG!! What should I do? To complicate matters, I’m still processing the epiphany I had at the ashram and here’s the thing, I think a guiding spirit suggested something about volunteering for a year in Haiti. Who does that?!
    Sign me excited but hella confused!
    Your fan,
    ic

    • You were right there until “hella.” I’ve never heard that used outside of northern California.

      • The hella made me laugh because it’s how Julia thinks kids talk even though no one has said “Hella” in ten years.

        • I use hella all the time, it’s one of my favorite words; it entered it’s post-ironic stage. I also drink White Zinfandel with ice.

          • Yes, she just doesn’t know it’s ironic and that is why you are awesome and she is not.

        • Hella is alive and well in NorCal, thankyouverymuch. I rarely use it anymore, being past expiration (31st was on Monday!), but my students still say it like it was ‘the.’

          • Happy belated b-day Macakez!!! You make expiration +1 look good, girl.

            [img]http://www.blogcdn.com/www.urlesque.com/media/2010/05/birthday-cat-585-ej-050710.jpg[/img]

          • Thanks, kittehs. I enjoyed the ‘no pressure’ element of the post-expiry birthday. brah and I went out to dinner, then he surprised me with a peach pie and cherry ice cream with ‘3’ and ‘1’ candles. It was low key and I enjoyed that. However, the JAmyL is insisting that we need to have a real celebration (transbraytion: she is single and needs and excuse to mingle) so we are going out Friday night to go dancing… “in honor of my birthday.”

            RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT.

          • Also, I know it is late and all, but if you wanted to give mcakez a belated birthday gift, please donate to the doggies abandoned in the floods in Bangkok!

            http://soidog.org/

            I know we are a hugely animal loving community, and as much as we are catladeez, we love our pups. Please consider dropping a few dollars, if you have a few to spare, to save those poor pooches.

            To drag out a guilt trip: as a community, we have a far greater reach than JA could ever hope for with all her faux-celebrity. We also do much more every day to provide for those in need, including the animals she claims to love. Please consider donating just because we as a community are awesome, and can do so much to help.

            Thanks, y’all. Love you mucho.

  3. Dear Julia Allison,

    I’m an attractive, accomplished Shih Tzu, who for some reason feels abandoned. My brother suddenly disappeared, so I don’t think my fear was unfounded. Sometimes I’m not really even sure what my name really is anymore. How can I hold on to a sense of identity when I’m constantly being used as a prop?

    Somebody’s Abandoned Dog Living In LA (Literally) Yearning

    • Dear Literally Yearning,

      What the hell is wrong with you? I know your mother and she pays thousands of dollars for your medical care! Stop being ungrateful. Don’t you have bills to pay or something?

      Literally,
      JA

    • Dear Sad Lil(l)y,

      You’re JA’s version of a toothbrush and clean drawers, sweetie. She’s find a passably attractive wallet soon and silently drop you off to mark her turf. Your job is to be cute and housebroken while she wedges one of those heinous platform hooker boots in the door. Remember how it worked in San Diego? Like that.

  4. Dear Julia Allison,

    I don’t need advice from you at the moment, so I thought I would write you a thank you note instead.

    You see, despite the second-hand pain I suffered during your brief appearance in my sphere, I have come out just fine on the other end of it. AND, as a wonderful bonus, it was through knowing you that I discovered a delightful community filled with some of the sharpest, funniest people I have ever encountered.

    So, thank you for that!

    Sincerely,

    [REDACTED]’s mom

  5. Dear Julia,

    Recently, at an event, I literally ran into an ex for the first time since we broke up YEARS ago. A little backstory for you: we (admittedly) had a bad break-up, but after thinking about it night after night, I guess I sort of thought that the reason it was so ugly was because we were soulmates. Like, the connection between us was a real force, something with POWER or ELECTRICITY (which is actually a kind of funny way of putting it because we both have careers in the tech world) behind it, do you know what I mean? Maybe you don’t.

    I digress. So we were at this event, and I see him but I wasn’t sure if he saw me. It was like seeing a ghost. I went to the restroom, checked out my false eyelashes (they were ok) and then I took a sip of a drink and did my little walk around the room. Ran into some important people I knew, hugged them tight and talked as loud and excitedly as I could (I figured he saw rotten things about me on the Internet and I wanted to show him that the rumors were all garbage, that I was still strong and fun and popular after all these years, that he was missing out but it wasn’t (ahem) too late). I kept an eye on him and still wasn’t sure if he saw me, I thought that we may had locked eyes once or twice and he looked down out of embarrassment or sadness. So I took one more sip and walked over. He must have not seen me coming because he turned on his heel and walked in the opposite direction. So I followed. So many memories took over and so many memories that never happened–all the trips we never took, so many gifts that were never given, promises, plans, all set adrift because he was in a bad mood and broke up with me one day.

    And do you know how I felt? I felt confused. I mean, what are the chances that we’d see eachother—neither of us live in this city, neither of us had any business being at this event—but I felt the power of second chances and forgiveness and sex, and besides, I missed him and I wanted him to miss me too.

    So I did what any normal person with feelings would do, I reached out for his arm, and he ran away from me. He ran away. Do you know how that feels? Can you possible imagine? I mean, who does that? And to think of all we shared.

    Anyway, Julia, I’m still very hurt about this and I don’t know how to get past it. I look at our old photos and videos all the time. I want to reach out to him again and explain (and maybe this time I’ll really get through to him), but I LITERALLY tried that when the opportunity presented itself to me and I didn’t get the words out right or something. I feel so misunderstood and I can’t stand the idea of him rejecting me again.

    So very long ago, I was convinced that we were soulmates and when I saw him again I was sure of it. I felt it! And it felt real!! I’m at a loss now. Please tell me what to do.

    • Dear 11th Wang:

      Clearly you were meant to be. Don’t you know that when men refuse your advances, it actually means they like you? Don’t give up! Work hard to get him back! Do whatever you have to do! Email him, text him, show up at his workplace repeatedly, try to ingratiate yourself to his friends, send emails to his current girlfriend telling her you fucked him after they started dating, Facebook message him night and day, and do NOT take no for an answer. That’s what true love requires, bunny!

      Kisses,
      Julia “Goddess” Allison

    • Dear 11th Wang,

      you have touched me to the very core of my cat lady heart. But I feel sure you meant to say “I look at our old photos and VIMEOS all the time” in your penultimate paragraph.

      Signed,
      Profane Scrapbooks

  6. Dear Julia,

    I’ve been fired from every job I’ve had. How would you spin this into a positive for an interview?

    xx DB

    • Dear DB:

      You weren’t FIRED, silly. You mutually decided to part ways! Have you learned nothing at my altar? I’m guessing it’s biology!

      In an interview, be sure to tell them how much they loved you and were so sorry to see you go. But you had so many bigger, better challenges ahead. Sometimes the universe gives you exactly what you need! If you don’t lose, you don’t learn, so then you’re really losing, even if you think you’re winning. Winning is for losers!

      You’re welcome!

      🙂 JA

  7. Dear Julia,

    I have a sensitivity and/or an allergy to wheat, corn, tuna fish, wine, sugar, lobster, raisins, chinchillas, lead, Ambien, smegma, glitter, hair and peaches. My medical condition(s) often result in unsavory side effects like headaches, explosive diarrhea, and blogging.

    As I am currently nearing my expiration date and am eager to trick a man into marrying me, I wonder whether it is necessary to let my gentlemen friends know about my condition(s), or whether I should simply refrain from eating altogether unless I am in the company of an attractive male, in which case I should eat a lot. Because don’t guys like skinny girls who eat like giant boys? I never remember what men like these days, as I recently had all my magazine subscriptions sent to my former boyfriend’s home (which we shared) and haven’t had access to them in some time.

    Thoughts? Advice?

    Cordially,

    Kaytlynne or possibly Keelseigh

    • Dear K:

      I don’t really know because I’m kind of faking that whole thing! Isn’t that HYSTERICAL! I figure my haters will leave me alone, and men will think I am a darling damsel in distress, if I exaggerate my digestion issues. I mean what kind of person would pick on someone desperately ill, and what man wouldn’t love me for my fragility? Added benefit — maybe then they won’t notice all my mental problems!

      Have a nice day!

      xoxo
      JA

  8. Dear Julia,

    Halloween is my favorite holiday and I’m already planning next year’s costume! I’m thinking of going as one of the Real Housewives, but I’m only 27 and I’m not sure how to make my face look like that of a 50-something divorcee at this age. Please tell me how you did it!

    Signed,
    Some Girl

    • Dear Some Girl:

      Email me and I’ll send you Dr. Bobby’s deets. Also, make sure never to sleep and to yo-yo diet religiously. Obsess over and/or stalk exes. Devote your life to posting photos of yourself online, then freak the fuck out at the people who don’t respond with praise and kudos.

      Kisses!
      JA

  9. Dear Julia,

    After waiting until the 11th and a half date, I realized that it was going to take more than a handy for my rich and powerful by circumstance boyfriend to keep pulling out the credit card for pretty, pretty princess dresses and put-me-on-a-pedestal theme dates. Well, I wanted to go on a plane somewhere for free, so I finally let him fingerbang me with his penis. At first I was treating it like another day running errands, but you know what? It really was a beautiful moment, more beautiful than the chunkiest of necklaces. I totally teared up. . . HYSTERICALLY. I have absolutely no idea why, but my ATM machine, I mean “future fiance,” started acting all weird, and his penis deflated, and he started searching for his clothes. I don’t understand why, because — HERE’S THE THING! HERE’S THE THING! — I’m bawling, so that means we were meant to have a photobooth and a gluten-free, sugar-free cupcake fountain at our wedding. (In between those ineffably uncontrollable heaving sobs, a tiny bit of kale-colored ass juice may have squirted out. It was as if my butt was crying, too!) But those tears were beautiful, because I just know the 356 combined minutes I have spent with him has only prepared us for that moment tomorrow morning when we will have a beautiful home to share where I will spend my days beginning at 3 p.m. feverishly planning the pinkest wedding in the world which he will naturally pay for. I barely had time to pull out my wedding wish books before he was out the door, screaming, “Is your face MELTING?!?!?” Anyway, my question is what should I wear when I meet his parents? And do you know anyone who will write a press release for me for free?

    Sincerely,
    Only A Tiny Unincorporated Territory In The Middle Of The Pacific Ocean Can Tear Us Apart

    • Dear OATUTITMOTPOCTUA:

      I find thigh-high suede boots, a low-cut, too-tight top paired with a push-up bra and a pleated tennis skirt to be adorably conservative for a meeting with the parents. Save the slutwear for every day, when you’re not meeting your future financiers and grandparents to your spawn.

      Love you!

      JA

  10. Dear Julia,

    My husband is rich and handsome, but we don’t get along as we should and I just can’t read his mind. I hate to impose, but would it possible for you to talk to him for me? He can send his jet for you.

    Sincerely,
    Determined To Make Things Work

    • Dear DTMTW:

      Not only will I talk to him for you, I’ll blow him too. Shoes earn one blowjob, but a private jet???!!?!? An endless supply of hummers!

      You’re welcome!

      p.s. Please get moving on the divorce papers. Now. I said now.

      😉 Julia

  11. Dear Julia,
    You always look fresh as a daisy, so I wondered if you’d share hygiene tips …

    ~ Is there an air freshener that overcomes the smell of rank desperation?
    ~ How do I remove melted plastic from the barrel of my curling iron?
    ~ How do I remove crusty cum stains from my couch cushions?
    ~ How do I get the soles of my feet to resemble a flesh tone?
    ~ How do I get make-up & hair oil out of pillow cases?

    Signed,
    The girl made to stand downwind of Ivy League grads

    • Dear TGMTSDOILG:

      Oh darling. You are speaking my language, babe!

      1. I find Chanel No. 5 sometimes helps with that.
      2. Rubbing alcohol and brillo pads!
      3. Hot water and Palmolive! Also good for Christmas cheeks!
      4. The more expensive the shoes, the better looking the soles of your feet, I’ve always found. You know what that means! Get blowing!
      5. Who DOES that? I just throw them out and go to Twitter to ask for free replacements.

      Hope this helps, bunny.

      xoxo JA

    • Jesus, lighten up! Chill out! Don’t take it so seriously! Feel free to relax! Keep that helo in the air, babe!

      Kisses

      Julia

      • Telling Jesus to keep the helo in the air has ruined for the rest of the day. I’ve sprayed tears all over the inside of my glasses.

  12. Dear Julia,

    I’d like to lose a few pounds, but I definitely don’t want to have to put in any work, because work is super hard. Also, my jaw somehow spontaneously unhinges whenever I’m around a cupcake, and I have a pathological impulse to lick other people’s baked goods. And don’t get me started on the chocolate aisle at Whole Foods–the candy bars just unwrap themselves! Oh, and gluten, soy, sugar, dairy, fish, and sincere introspection kind of give me the Explosive Butt Disorder. Can you recommend somebody super quacky with no real credentials that will help me lose the weight by doing nothing but kind of willing it to happen? Bonus if you could turn me on to some high-sugar fruit water with no nutritive value guaranteed to cause a metabolic disorder with long-term consumption.

    Love,
    Not So Tiny ‘n Cute (Yet!)

    • Dear NSTNCY:

      Bunny! Let me turn you onto my dear friend Tim Ferriss, the biggest ball of quack on Planet Quack! If you follow his diet and exercise tips, you will be able to give women four-hour orgasms as well as having the body you’ve always dreamed of while eating only tofu and Swiss chard. Easy!

      If that doesn’t interest you, consider Buttprint Cleanse. Kale nectar has literally saved my life! That’s why I’m still yo-yo dieting and am constantly miserable, bloated and filled with shit!

      Sincerely,

      Julia!

  13. (Intercepted note in class from Jerri Blank, read out loud by Stephen Colbert:)

    Dear Julia,

    MY VAGINA IS ON FIRE. I’m trying not to scratch it Julia, because I don’t want it to become infected. Any advice?

    • Dear Jerri:

      Oh, whatevsies. I have itchy vagina a lot, usually after I have spent some time with the ineffable manwhore who is currently an OMG CNN foreign correspondent OMG OMG! No biggie! Nothing a soak in some Clorox doesn’t take care of! Add some bubble bath and a rubber duckie and you soon grow accustomed to the sting.

      Kisses,

      JA

  14. Dear Julia,

    I’ve recently decided to apply to Harvard Business School. I really want that “fuck you” credential on my resume, to be honest, and besides learning stuff, I bet I’ll meet a lot of hot, rich, very rich men who are also smart (rich). I know you went to Georgetown, your mother to Stanford, your brother to MIT, and your father to Yale. You guys are so smart and accomplished! Any admission advice/tips?

    Signed,
    Future Harvard Business School Grad!

    • Dear FHBSG:

      Back off, lady. If there are rich smart rich rich rich single men anywhere that United flies, then I’m first in line. Where do they hang out, do you know? I’m dying to meet them! Are they date rapists or sexual harassers? I think sexual harassers are particularly adorable and charming!

      p.s. I said back the fuck off. I will cut you.

      xo Julia

  15. Dear Julia: I have been providing tiny and cute girls with shoes in exchange for blow jobs and similar forms of sexual currency for many years. My frustration is, apart from your former interns, none of the girls really understand the standard pricing model. Here’s the thing, All the Girls would benefit if you could write a blog post detailing the current “shoe for screw” scale. I travel a lot, and that JetBlue Pass is amaseballz, frees up funds for fun 😉 , so if you could provide a city by city standardizing mutiplier, that would be tots Hella cool. thanks Bunny!

    • Dear Delurker Derp (LOVE the name, by the way — so handsome and debonair!)

      Wow. Listen, math is HARD! I’m guessing it’s biology, but I would sincerely and exceedingly have ineffable trouble performing that undeniably difficult task.

      But let’s just put it this way. The more expensive the shoes, the better the blow job. If they’re Payless, one lick. If there YSLs, I will basically swallow your dong and your sack whole after mouth-humping it for hours.

      You’re welcome!

      Rawwrr!

      xo Julia

      p.s. Call me!

      • Dear Julia:
        O.M.J. (oh My Julia, ’cause you are that ineffably amazedballed 2night) I want to take your response, put a MIT hat on it, slip some Loub’s on it’s adorb hooves, and tape it lip dubbing “I Want Candy”. But I would be apropos of nothing with that day dream. Sigh.

        So here’s the last question, and it’s been bugging my business partners and I as we sit in Balthazar with our lady friends: If our lady friends, after they spend hours of wind surfing Mount Everest post-retail therapy, ask us to walk their dog, do we have to? Who the hell does that?!?! We buy the shoes and now the dog looks at me like he wants to finish on my knee, too. And she wants me to dress in Bonobos and take a picture of her as I walk the pup.

        Julia, how can we help our girls?

        • Dear DD

          Frankly, I can’t even believe you’re asking this question. Are you genuinely serious? Because if your wonderful girlfriends are providing you regular access to their vaginas, then OF COURSE you should take care of their dogs. Let me be crystal clear: YES. Take care of her dog! You’re lucky to have her!

          Sincerely,

          Julia

    • Related to this, as a woman, I would like to know how much coin a man has to drop before you should bone him on the first date? Is in inversely proportional to his yearly income? Thanks!

      • If he drops over $1,000, blow him immediately. It’s always worked so well for me … um … errr ….ooops!

  16. Dear Julia Allison,

    I have a former business partner that is a bit of a cunt. How do I prevent her from using my couch as a hotel?

    Signed

    Puerto Rico Princess

    • Dear PRP:

      What the hell is WRONG with you people? If she’s your friend, she should be allowed on your couch whenever the hell she wants. There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women, don’t you know that?

      Fuck you, Meghan. Your leather scarves SUCK, by the way. Who would WEAR those? Who would design those!?? Who DOES that?

      Resentfully,
      JA

  17. Dear Julia,

    How do you do so well with men, considering you have such a demanding, awesomely extravagant and ridiculously extraneously amazeballs career? Aren’t they all intimidated by how busy and successful you are and how you obviously don’t have time for dating so that’s why you are single? Also, I like this guy, should I call him or is that too forward in this day and age? I don’t want him to think I am cheap/easy/a stalker/have my own opinions! Also, as a long-time reader and fan, I just want to say, you are doing so great, keep your chin up! You are inspirational!

    Signed,
    Big fan/reader, career-envier, maybe boy-caller.

    • Dear Fan:

      Well, bunny, the truth of the matter is I AM simply too awesome and too successful for most men to handle. Basically, I am and always have been too much woman for the vast majority of men.

      As for whether to call your guy, I have a very complex formula for that sort of thing that I have logged onto an Excel spreadsheet. Normally I would say no, DO NOT call, make him call you. Men LOVE the chase. But if he’s a multi-millionaire, call immediately and call every hour or so. Don’t worry if he’s married. Fuck that. Call him, blow him, seal the deal.

      With appreciation of your appreciation of my awesomeness,

      Julia

      • hahahahahhahahah!! “With appreciation of your appreciation of my awesomeness,”

    • Dear JP,

      Is there a special place in hell reserved for (wo)men who don’t help other (wo)men on their Short Form Blogs?

      Signed:
      Maddy

    • Understanding, I do not have it. How does a mighty social media presence like Ashton, of the “Ashton, how can we help?” fame, not know about the Penn State scandal? This just proves what I’ve long expected, social media and all the people who live and breath by it are contributing to the downfall of society.

      • All I can think about the victims, and I am just disgusted at the public’s and the media’s response to this story. Now we have thousands of students rioting over the firing of the coach who did nothing to stop these acts of rape. Victims of rape are so marginalized. Minimizing a rape victim’s experience can do almost as much psychological damage as the act of rape itself.

        • WHY DO MEN STILL TURN A BLIND EYE TO THEIR COLLEAGUES RAPING CHILDREN? Julia was inside, as these insider-y tweets will show:

          RT: As a football coach, Joe Paterno was fired. If he was a priest, he would have been re-assigned.

          @SarahSpain @aplusk – of course Ashton isn’t defending him. Now, the more pertinent question: why the EFF are the students defending him!?!

          Oh, now she’s outraged when previously she was seemingly indifferent and into making a joke about it. This churchgoing womanchild. Also, Ashton doesn’t need your support, donkey. How can we help?

          • PS. Ashton totally gets a pass for cheating even though Julia Allison railed against it (hypocritical regardless because of her frequent cheating past) not too long ago. I’m willing to bet she wishes she were Sarah Leal or whatever her name is.

          • Absolutely she wishes she was Sarah Leal – to bad she looks old enough to be her Mom.

          • Oh, she IS… because she and ASHTON are just that close, you know? Her excessive familiarity is nothing short of extremely creepy, and I’ve noticed she does this quite often. Everyone gets put in the context of a friend or close to her when they don’t even know her from adam.

          • ETA: How desperate can one be? If you’re replying to a specific comment someone made, you can’t even rationalize @-ing the person being discussed in any way, shape, or form unless your MO is specifically to try and get their attention from your “defense” (or in some cases, disparaging) in their honor. So insanely transparent and sad.

          • The TODAY show just segued from Prick Perry’s latest fuck-up last night to Ashton Kutcher’s twitter fuck-up last night to an awesome clip of Cobra Cat going on the defense.

            #KindaMadeMyHeadSpin!

          • She’s sucking up to Ashton STILL even though he cheated!??!??! What about all the girls? Why do men still cheat on women?? What happened to that whole thing??

            Where’s the “Who would cheat on DEMI?” Tweet. Oh yes, of course, Demi is a hot older woman who took one of Donkey’s pinup boys out of the market. Not fair! She’s OLD!

            Hating her for this.

        • It’s truly disgusting – not only how many more children were victimized by no one going to the police but all those kids rioting makes me sick for the future of America.

        • Seriously! That senile old goat gave up any right to retire with dignity when he chose to be a spineless coward. He is complicit in the horrific abuse of those children, and those feeling sorry for him need to have their heads examined.

        • JP, I agree 100%. This is what’s gotten to me about the whole Penn State scandal. To some extent one can expect there to be monsters in the world, those who for whatever reason are broken in the head and do sadistic things as a result and must be locked up away from society to keep people safe from them, but, BUT, BUT, (I can’t type that large enough) I cannot comprehend a man walking in on the rape of a 10 year old boy and just walking away. How do you walk away?! How did you not rush in and save that child?! And this is the god damn grad student who is now the Penn State assistant coach for defense or something, and he’s not been fired. Out of all of them, he has been held up as the one who did the most. Are kidding me?! He told the head coach the next day!! He tiptoed out of those showers that night and left a child to be raped and never even called the police. What the hell kind of human being is that?! And all the rest of them are just as bad. That god damn school is wicked if one of them is supporting these evil men. ALL of them knew. NONE of them called the police. NONE. Not one call to the police, and that whatever his name is raped little boys for another six years because of it. They all are complicit.

          That is an utter failure of civilization. They should all be condemned. But no, there are people demanding they be given jobs back. Society fail.

          • The Grand Jury report, which I can only read in doses before I have to walk away & regroup, is so … so … I don’t even know what words I’m striving for here. It’s painful to absorb.

            http://documents.latimes.com/grand-jury-report-suspected-penn-state-sex-abuse/

            Many,, MANY people, whether by outright lying or by merely looking the other way, were complicit in allowing the abuse to continue — Paterno isn’t the ONLY one, but these people who want to absolve HIM of guilt because he was good as a coach are fucked in the head.

          • Bray, they want to absolve him because he’s good at football, as if being good at football is an excuse for failing as a human being. Oh, and those students, don’t get me started. They just proved why administrators don’t listen to students in major decisions. They just set back student voice by decades.

            In a way, it’s like Julie, too, because she gets called out here over and over for her utter failure to do the right thing and be a decent person. On top of that, she isn’t especially talented in anything either. But, these students want to give a coach a pass on his failure as a human being to call the police to save children from being raped because he’s good at football?! Come again? I don’t care if you have super powers, if you do nothing when you have exclusive knowledge of children being raped, you fail at life. And, if you’re a no account, talentless hack, you also fail at life. It doesn’t matter how good you are in one area, if your soul is black, you fail. Wickedness is the standard by which these characters are judged, not by mentions in the media or ability to handle a leather ball or apply makeup. And I would have to say, that even taking into account the extraordinary sport talent, that coach fails far worse than Julie to date. He had the power to act to do the right thing, and he didn’t. Julie has never had that power (I guess that’s a good thing).

    • No Julia is defending him as of 36 minutes ago even though Ashton got a beatdown from his Network and his publicist dictated his last two tweets and told him to pretend he didn’t know the full story.

      • He actually posted all the vitriolic beatdowns straight to his twitter and admitted he made a mistake in defending JP.

        Jabbers defense of Ashton is a little disturbing. He even admits he fucked up big, why can’t she? JabberDonkey is so blinded in her attempt to glob onto him, that she defends him when he implicitly supports the cover-up/failure to report child rape, i.e. Joe Paterno shouldn’t of been fired, therefore Joe Paterno did nothing wrong, including failing to report child rape to the police.

        • I’m gathering that even SHE didn’t know the whole story when she began commenting on it. It doesn’t excuse her, but the main point is she was previously RTing a “Catholic priest” comparison joke right before white knighting to try and win the favor of Ashton, and she’s attempting to stay “topical” because her actual life is boring as all hell. She will grab any bit of controversy that’s making news and try to insert herself into it. She doesn’t even know WTF is going on, but she’ll defend him anyway because he’s Ashton and she sees an opportunity for the show (and maybe even love, now that he and Demi are on the rocks! As if she coulda been a contenda.) – which would never, ever happen.

          • Was the priest comparison even a joke? I took it as sad commentary on a truth based in history of the Catholic church.

            Sure, Donkey thought it was a joke, & that is Reason #7241 as to why she’s a thundercunt asswipe hobag.

          • Brayella – IDK if it was a joke or not from the original poster, and I agree with the history re: the Catholic church. However, I think the donkey RTed it #whilst reading into it as a joke, without actually understanding the full weight of the issue at hand. She is sad like that.

          • While I agree that she doesn’t know what the fuck she’s talking about and she should shut the fuck up, I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that the catholic priest tweet was not a joke and that she was regurgitating a point about sexual abuse in the church. Also, Ashton clearly fucked up and realized it quickly and admitted to his mistake. But Julia’s need to stand up for his honor or whatever is just so gross because its desperate attention seeking from a wannabe starfucker. I hate when Julia comments on controversial or sensitive issues because she has no principals to stand on. WHY DO ALL THE MEN WHO AREN’T ASHTON CONTINUE TO CHEAT ON WOMEN?!?!?!

    • How the fuck can that tool not have known that that was why the guy was fired? He just saw a headline and didn’t read the story that has been dominating the news for days? What a fucking idiot. Run, Demi, run.

      • That’s what I don’t understand! The BBC and al Jazeera twitter accounts even tweeted about it, so if Kelso had access to his twitter account, how in the world wouldn’t he have seen anything about this?

        • He did. I think someone said above that pretending not to know was the publicist’s suggested response on how to get out of the situation he stepped in. It was prolly the smartest. But, those who know how much he’s on the internet can see that it’s not true. Why he was fired was even in the headline.

      • He knew. His publicist was all over and DICTATED HIS LAST TWO TWEETS of last night. He was told to lie and say he didn’t know the full story because CBS went ballistic and the Twitter fall out was epic.

        I was inside.

  18. Dear Julia,

    Ugh! Nobody wants to date me even though I am tiny & cute and went to a very very good college where I studied Kant and the financial prospects of the boys in med school. So here’s my question. I think if I pretend I’m dating then the boys will want me — my gf’s (they’re all bitches, though) say it’s crazy but you know what? Suppose I rent some fancy clothes and a limo and have someone take pictures of me outside chic restaurants, and then post them on my blog. I could say a secret admirer bought me the clothes and was taking me on a wonderful night on the town! Would that work, or do I also have to make up stories like having a bang boy I visit wearing nothing under my raincoat?

    Sincerely,
    Looking For The Answer And The Answer Is A Boy

    • Dear LFTAATAIAB:

      I think this is a great idea! After all, men love the chase, and nothing will get a man interested faster than thinking some other man wants you . I have done this several times in the course of my awesome existence, and you can how successful I’ve been! I am now on a first-name basis with Ashton Kutcher!

      Kisses,

      JA

  19. I will give ESPN credit re Paterno their personalities – Bob Golic Colin Cowherd Scott Van Pelt – have not done what typical coaches like Lou Holtz or Steve Spurrier have done and that is “well let’s look at the facts we have to wait for due process.” ESPN folks have been eviscerating Paterno, Mike McQueary, the PSU leadership and the law enforcement officials for missing this. To hell with “oh Paterno did so much and he had such a great impact”- no he was a selfish SoB who let kids be raped because he sacrificed them for his beloved PSU. a real leader would have tackled this the first moment he heard of something. Joe Paterno actually harmed PSU and his legacy is his pride and selfish desire to be viewed as a “good guy of college football”. but in reality he is evil and his legacy is lies. Good riddance you liar and hypocritical manipulator.

    • I agree. I love you JP but I actually think the media coverage of this story has been really hard-hitting, especially ESPN’s. CNN too has had Sheldon Kennedy on several times and it’s been really powerful and entirely anti-Paterno.

      • For the most part you’re right. I just lost it last night when Short Form Blog, which is like serious business lady media, posted a response to this Mediate article: »» Columnists
        Dear Media, Penn State Is Not A ‘Sex Scandal,’ It’s A Rape Scandal
        , where they said that use of the word rape was sensationalizing this issue, and I just nearly lost it. And then news broke of the students rioting because God forbid you piss on the altar that is college football. All I can think of is the victims and then I have these things called “feelings.” It just. . . . I just Kant.

        • “use of the word rape was sensationalizing this issue” = it’s only rape when it happens to girls, silly!!!

          • THIS!!!!!!!!!!!

            This is what got to me the most about this. Female rape victims are treated so cruelly by society, but that cruelty is amplified when it is a male victim.

          • I have a huge problem with this. I’ve got a little boy who will turn 10 in three weeks. He is just as innocent and sensitive as any girl, but he’s already begun hiding his tears and suppressing his emotions and trying to be bigger and older and tougher than he is. Girls are often comforted and rewarded when they show emotion. But, boys have tremendous pressure to pretend that their grown and have no feelings. Being tough for them is rewarded. It leads pain be hidden and never addressed. I wonder if this scandal would have ever gotten this out of hand if the victims had been girls. As a mom of a little boy, I’m just sick by all of this. My boy and the ones who were attacked were just as human and innocent and vulnerable as any girl. As a society, we’ve got to do a better job of protecting them. It’s not okay to disregard little boys because someday they may make more money. Because by that time, they may very be hardened, broken, husks and the whole damn cycle gets perpetuated.

        • JP, I didn’t know what Short Form Blog was or what you were referring to, so my response to you last night, just a dumb attempt at humor in the vein of the Q&A, was very assholish on my part, in retrospect.

          I apologize for that, now that I know.

          • No worries. I just had the inner rage beast going and didn’t really want to get into it. I have been just so sad and disgusted since last night.

    • Also agree. I’ve been listening to ESPN radio pretty much all day yesterday and this morning, and I’ve been very impressed with the way it’s been handled. I was honestly floored last night when one of the analysts brought up how this must be affecting survivors of rape/sexual abuse, whether they are tied to Penn State or not. That’s an important but difficult conversation to have, and I thought it was handled really well.

    • NPR has a good article out suggesting that the school should have let Paterno retire as he wanted in order to avoid this backlash …

      Trustees “should have considered these victims watch TV and are aware of the students’ reaction and may not want to be associated with the downfall of Mr. Paterno,” Andreozzi tells the Patriot-News. “The school instead elected to do what it felt was in its own best interest at the time. Isn’t that what put the school in this position in the first place?”

      • Now that’s convoluted logic (NPR).

        Because the trustees feared students would angrily react to the decision to fire him they should have reconsidered? Because the victims would see that? Because the images would have been bad?

        How about the image of the 100,000-plus PSU students waving their towels and applauding Joe Paterno wildly this week when the school plays Nebraska? How ’bout them visuals?

        The PSU students think they’re honoring 60 years of good works, not ignoring or invalidating the victims. I get that.

        But they’re wrong. They’re in a collective delusion. They are trying to “bargain” away the facts: maybe Joe didn’t know this, or didn’t know that etc. Maybe there’s something reasonable that can explain away this epic moral lapse.

        It’s part of denial. Eventually they’ll come to acceptance. And they will be incredibly embarrassed.

        As for NPR, they shouldn’t let interns write shit like. Poorly thought out.

        • I should have posted the link because the article in its entirety made good points, IMHO.

          One girl, a sister of a victim & a Penn student, talks about how hard it is to be in classes when the running joke is about getting ‘Sanduskied’. The gist of it all was that the victims are being forgotten.

          • I see what you mean. (College kids are awful. )

            I’m kinda hanging on to one last hope that the football players themselves (some of whom I’ve heard on tv and most of whom seem, I hate to say it, 10 times smarter and more level-headed the dipshit football players at my alma mater) do something right.

            Maybe they’ll make some symbolic gesture? Like, instead of taking the field Saturday and dedicating their game or effort to JoPA, they dedicate it to the victims? Maybe some arm-band/helmet decal thing? I mean, they do shit like that for breast cancer month.

            I know that all that shit is superficial. But hey, they’re gonna need to counter some pretty awful “optics” Saturday.

            A ‘face can dream…

  20. Props to SS yet again for this awesome find, this recent tweet:

    “Reminiscing with Prom King about our first date, exactly 2 years ago today. He still stands as the single most creative dater I’ve ever met.”

    So does “most creative” mean “willing to drop the most money and cater to the most ridiculous of fantasies”? If so, good luck with her finding another creative dater.

  21. Dear Julia,

    I have an ex with whom I shared a home until that wretched military tore us apart (before my first bridal magazine even arrived at his mother’s condo!) and here’s the thing: our break-up has seemingly devastated his mother and sister to the point that having any contact with me just makes them so very sad for what could and should have been, so they have clammed up (unlike my dungeon, but that’s another story) …

    How do I convince those bottled blondes to put on brave faces and return my tweets?

    Signed:
    Just a girl standing in front of a mirror asking a boy’s famous mom to tweet her

    • Dear JAGSIFOAMAABFMTTH:

      How terribly, terribly sad. Is there anything worse than losing access to famous relatives in the aftermath of a breakup? I know it has almost killed me a few times.

      My advice is not to give up! Just keep on Tweeting them. Eventually they’ll understand just how important they are to your public image, and simply have to respond! These things take hard work. In fact, I consider Twitter-harassment to be a full-time job. Too bad it doesn’t provide health insurance. I intend to devote my life trying to convince the authorities to treat Twitter-stalking as a legitimate profession and to outlaw any famous people on Twitter who don’t reply to my Tweets. For all the girls!

      With deepest sympathy,
      Julia

  22. Dear Julia,

    My birthday is just around the corner, & as my expiration date becomes smaller &
    smaller in the rearview mirror, I’ve now come to realize what is missing in my life…

    WHERE HAVE ALL THE BLONDES GONE?? Who shall plan & execute my party?

    Signed:
    Intern-less thanks to stoopid wage & labor laws!

  23. Julia finally giving Meghan Asha (sp) a shout out on her blergh for being Bergdorf’s girl… but since nothing is ever done by Julia unless it’s calculated – it’s all in thanks for M.A. boarding the Donkey this weekend in NYC.

    That;s our Donk! Grifters Represent!

    • “Really proud of Megs, who was just (a few weeks ago) named one of the faces of Bergdorf’s 5F. I think she looks STUNNING in this photo!!

      I’m going to be staying with her this weekend in New York, trying to convince her to move to California with me. :)”

      As IF. Our girl doesn’t do anything without an agenda. This is some obvious sucking up. Although, I’d say there is more to it than just the weekend couch crashing. Like getting *Megs* to sign the Bravo release?

      Also, didn’t one of you cat ladies call this re: Julie eventually saying how *proud* she is of her bunny?

      • Hmmm …. does anyone else read: trying to convince her to move to California with me & wonder if Julia Price has already wised up & 86’d the roommate sitch?

        I’m sure Donkey (who NEVER READS HERE!) will put that rumor to rest immediately.

        … 3 … 2 … 1 …

      • “Trying to convince her to move to California with me”

        A Donkey’s pathetic attempt to undermine Megarican’s new gig. Honey, a Bergdorf’s ambassador needs to live in New York. DON’T FALL FOR IT, MEGS!

  24. Dear Julia,

    Recently, I moved in with the son of a prominent CEO for a Fortune 100 company. Things were going great, until he started to uncover some of my past. HYSTERICALLY, I try to deflect questions and still look tiny and cute in his eyes (He has a very over-bearing mother). Is it OK to pretend I’m his lawyer and demand that people cease and desist all negative communication and comments about my personal life outside of my relationship with my Mr. Big? He has really changed me and I like the happy, healthy person I am today. I used to be a dirty liberal. EWWWW. Now, I’m a Republican living a life of morals, bigotry, and clean and responsible living. I like the new me. Is it OK to be heinous and vile to keep a rich man? Well, when needed AHAHAHAHAHA!!

    Signed,
    I can’t believe I actually write down and record things that should only be said never

    • Dear Genius:

      As far as I’m concerned, love is paramount, especially if that loves comes in the form of a semi-famous dude with access to a huge trust fund and an inheritance in his future once his skinny blonde bitch of a mother finally eats it. No YOU take care, fucking dearheart!

      So dig your claws in and hold onto that dude no matter what it takes!!!! If you send me an email address, I’ll send you the deets of a very close friend of mine who lives in New Jersey who’s really, really helpful in these types of matters. She’d be happy to phone your evil haters and pretend to be a famous person’s lawyer! She’ll also willingly allow you to dump your dog on her for weeks and to treat her like a slave. She has no self-esteem and is totally awesome!

      🙂 Julia

      • Thank you so much for your advice!!!!11111!!1

        Especially the dogsitting! There are times when I have this NEED to post my travel schedule to a bunch of people on my Facebook wall (who probably don’t see it anyways because they’ve hidden me from their news feeds). I just can’t help myself. I want to make people jellies but all I do is travel domestically. I love the status markers of writing NY/SF/LA but the truth is, I’m at SeaWorld Orlando, Pensacola, San Diego, Upstate New York, and Princeton, New Jersey. Do you think I should use their airport codes as my ticker instead? I do realize an actual glamorous travel schedule would be London/Singapore/Paris (I almost went!!!!!!!1111!!)/Rio… but I am internationally challenged. So my question is this: How can we make domestic travel to mundane American cities glamorous and jellis inducing again??!! FOR ALL THE SUBURBAN GIRLS.

        Thank you for your quick response,
        Genius

        • Oh silly. I am singlehandedly doing that already! If someone as fabulous and awesomeballs as Miss Julia Allison is making pointless domestic flights every third day and Tweeting the shit out of it like it’s something glamorous and exciting, then it IS! Who doesn’t know that??

          With slight bitterness,
          Julia

          • You are an inspiration! Usually, I would ask Ashton how we can help. The problem is, he’s getting divorced. And now my heart aches for the now-damaged Rumer, Scout, and Tullulah. They will never find a man. Divorce does that.

  25. Dear Julia,
    Do you have any advice on proper etiquette when riding public transportation? The Bolt Bus as an example.

    Thanks!!

    NeverEverTakePublicTransportation

    • Dear NETPT:

      Well, quite frankly, I don’t really know why you’re asking me this question. I mean I fly all the time, sure, but public transit? Icky! That’s what taxi cabs are for!

      But I do have some experience riding the Bolt Bus back when I was Carrie 2.0 living such a fabulous life in New York City that I had to take the Bolt Bus. And let me tell you, it is pretty rotten. Especially when some skinny hot bitch talks on her cellphone the whole time when I needed peace and quiet as I Googled myself via the free wireless. Who did she think she was???? In any event, if you find yourself in a similar situation, take a cellphone photo of the stupid wench and post it to your blog and call her lots of names. It’s good for the soul and proves you are a really NICE person.

      Kisses,
      Julia

  26. Dear Julia

    I feel like was are sisters from another Mister. Here’s the thing. People don’t understand me and the rules of the game when dealing with a famous person like me. Don’t they understand how Grifting works? Some of these jerks expect me to pay them back for stuff when they should be jizzing in their pants just to be associated with me? Whats is up with these creepy losers anyhow?

    Adoringly,

    It was if my butt was crying, too!

    • Dear IWIMBWCT:

      Oh darling, I hear you. Is there anything more annoying than going to the hard manual labor of Tweeting someone or some company about how much you love their products and being greeted with dead silence, or, even worse, a price list in your email? Who do they think they ARE?

      But anyway, I am sure I’m more famous than you are, so it’s even more painful and bothersome to me. In any event, perhaps we can put a press kit together to help stamp out this terrible scourge. I’ll see about “hiring” an intern to put it all together. Actually, do you work for free? You’ll get lots of good press being associated with me! And I really need a press kit!

      Kisses,
      Julia

      • OMG OMG your responded!. I just sharted in my yoga shorts! We could be the Grifter twins (sort of like Mick and Keith) teaching the world, (through social media of course BTW do you know if a blog we could use?) the hysterical benefits of giving us free stuff!!!! Do you have any old velour sweatpants you could lend me temporarily?

        It was if my butt was crying, too!

  27. Dear Julia,

    I like this guy but his parents (whispers) aren’t together if you know what I mean. Is there any hope for us? I come from a very very accomplished family… relatives at MIT, ancestors with college degrees, a large lakefront house, whilst I myself was actually in a magazine once. Do you think it’s worth pursuing this guy? He’s sexy, stable, kind, a great cook, works out a lot, really smart, funny, and digs me a lot. But, you know, the whole (whispers) divorce thing…

    What would you do?

    Signed,

    This might be my last chance as I don’t have any hair extensions and for some reason my credit card was declined at Bergdorf’s

    • Dear TMBMLCAIDHAHEAFSRMCCWDAB

      Whoa. I have real issues with men who come from broken homes. What kind of role models did they have if their mothers and fathers decided they’d be better off apart? Marriage is a life sentence. My parents understand that, which is why they’re both living happy lives of quiet desperation and have churned out at least one child with serious emotional disorders. Poor Britt. But at least he doesn’t come from a broken home!

      But anyway. Really, it all comes down to money? Is he loaded? Then don’t worry about it. If he’s just a working stiff, move on.

      With love,
      JA!

      • Strictly working class, which, I agree, is a sign of moral failure. You’re right! When you’re right, you’re right! I’ll move on and wait for a richer, less divorced guy (unless I can be the one who causes the divorce! Then it’s ok because it’s ME right?).

        Thanks JA!

        Yours in eternal OBOing spinsterhood,

        Fuck Bergdorf’s because Saks is so much better and I can put my own extensions in thankyouverymuch

  28. Dear Julia,
    I just can’t do this anymore; I’m seriously quitting the internet. It has ruined my dating life and I’ve been turned down for several high status marker jobs, which we both know is ridiculous because hello? I Cray.
    So. Today is Thursday. How many days is internet forever? Do I have to wait the whole weekend before posting on my blog again (I’m a writer!) / making personal arrangements with name-recognition friends via twitter (famous people prefer public announcements of their whereabouts!) / or FaceBook (I have only uploaded 2,657 of pictures of me, but there are so many more I want to share!)?
    I guess I could spend the extra time organizing all the framed prints of me that I need for my new picture wall! But, just in case, do you know anyone in LA who’d like to set that up for me? I can’t pay them but they get to be on camera!
    Thanks ever so,
    ic

    • Dear IC

      Wow, bunny, have I been THERE! I really hate when the Internet screws up my life by existing. I mean sure I posted all sorts of stuff about my personal life and eight billion photos to the Internet, but how dare the Internet remember what I posted by existing? So annoying!

      I fear the Internet could indeed be with us forever so please join me in my fight to have the right to order it to kill anything off of it that ruins my chances at finding a rich husband. I don’t know code so I can’t do it myself. But surely there are young men and women out there studying code who can help me make the Internet behave itself. Code people make $250K a year!! So how about we join forces and try to find some fool who will do this for us for free since they make enough money as it is. And let’s call the police on the Internet. Email me!

      Kisses,
      JA

  29. Dear Julia,

    I have a hot new girlfriend who’s awesome, smart and gorgeous but we’re long distance. How do I keep that helo in the air, so to speak?

    Jack

    • Oh Jack

      Firstly, you should STOP TEXTING AND EMAILING other women! And most certainly do NOT freak out when you catch your awesome, smart, gorgeous, thin, accomplished, internationally syndicated girlfriend snooping through your phone and your computer. She’s entitled! She’s had her heart broken by cheaters before and she deserves to know the truth!

      p.s. I LOVE YOU! Please please please dump that skinny bitch and take me back! We could be so famous together! I just know we could!

      With a heart that’s found its home,
      Julia

  30. Sorry if this has been covered, but just in case it has not, this gave me a good chuckle. The work of a clever catlady or catdude? In response to one of Donk’s crowd sourcing posts on her blah-g about furnishing her new LA digs:

    KristinaNepo 14 hours ago
    Jordan Reid usually has really great recommendations for that kind of stuff!

    juliaallison 9 hours ago in reply to KristinaNepo
    She does indeed! I shall ask her. 🙂

    • She will want to re-befriend Jordan now because she just got her own internet show that’s part of the Youtube network. That should be funny.

      • Dear Julia,

        How can I be more like my idol Kate Middleton? Will wearing cheap knock-offs of her elegant wardrobe to high-profile events like fashion week compensate for my at best questionable and at worst embarrassing, deranged, and cruel behavior toward others?

        Signed,
        K Wannabe

        • Dearest K Wannabe:

          First and foremost, long brunette hair extensions, like me. You see how much I look like KM, don’t you? It’s all in the hair, bunny! But a tip — don’t let them get near an open flame. They’ll melt just like the Wicked Witch of the West. I am ignoring the rest of your question because I think you are just being a bitch. Bitch!

          JA

  31. Dear Julia,

    I want to get a cute fluffy dog, because I know how much men like them, but they, like, pee and poop and bark and need to eat and stuff. How can I get a male-attention-grabbing prop without the effort, or spending, like, thousands of dollars at the vet?

    xoxo,
    so tiny & cute & blessed & sane

    • Dear STACABAS:

      Just unload your dog on a bunch of your pathetic friends and/or your parents. I do it all the time! No biggie. Every pretty girl deserves a pretty little doggie who looks really cute in photos. Fun to dress them up in cute costumes, too! Dog are for your enjoyment!

      With love,
      Julia

      • Dear Julia,

        OMFG WEEEEE you responded! I will go and buy one from the tiny & cute shoppe that sells designer dogs. They swear they don’t come from a puppy mill and I tots believe them. Because they swore. Puppy mills are bad, like sugar and gluten and rapists. Could you write a Social Studies column on this, or donate $3 to my jumpstart project and get Ashton Kutcher to tweet about saving all the dogs?

        xoxo,
        tinier & cuter than you

        • Oh silly. I don’t write the Social Studies column anymore. Tribune Media Services and I amicably decided to part ways. We’re remaining close friends, however, and text and email several times a day.

          Ummm … NOT tinier and cuter than me, bitch.

          Julia

  32. Dear Miss Advised,

    She says she loves me, but I sometimes wonder about her intentions.

    She leaves me with people she barely knows for weeks at a time. She carries me around like a purse. She forces me to wear ill-fitting costumes I loathe and model for pictures, which she then publishes for her amusement and profit.

    Are all tiny cute dogs treated this way? Or am I being abused? Do you think I should contact PETA?

    Lilly the suicidal pooch

    • Dear Lilly:

      I think you should stop your goddamned whining and just be grateful you have such a pretty, tiny, cute, thin and successful owner. An ugly fat girl could own you!! How would you feel about that, huh??!? Don’t make me send you back to Auntie Lasagna’s!

      Angrily,
      Julia

  33. Dear Julia,

    I have an amazing sense of style and I am always dressed up for the event. Trouble is, my friends keep trying to change the way I look! They poke fun at the skirts and dresses I like, even though I shop at Bloomingdale’s and wear designer gowns loaned to me by the designers themselves. Sometimes they even suggest that I am not “dressing my age.” I think they are just Type A jealous haters who are envious of my perfect 138 pound size 2 figure. What should I do?

    Sincerely,
    Tutu Fargone

    • Dear Tutu Fargone:

      Don’t give up on who you are! Winning is for losers! If you’re dressing like a loser, that means you’re actually a winner, because you learn when you lose, but you don’t when you win. And you win when you embrace your personal style, especially if everyone thinks you’re a loser. The universe gives you just what you need! There is no judgment in Black Rock City. Live and learn, darling girl! You are a very, very special snowflake, just like me. p.s. I have a whole bunch of frilly girly dresses and skirts that no longer fit me. I’ll sell them all to you for $1,300 apiece. Are we good? Email me!

      🙂 JA

  34. Dear Donkey,

    I am a psycho hosebeast. Obviously, I am so ineffable that I don’t ever want to change anything about myself. I SHOULDN’T ever have to change, or grow, or try to be like other people. How can I find a man who will love me for the hosebeast that I am?

    And remember, there is no judgment in Hosebeast City.

    Signed,
    A Hosebeast

    • Dear Hosebeast:

      Oh no. Do you ingest sugar? You see, it’s not your fault you’re a hosebeast. It is sugar and the Internet’s fault. They should both be outlawed! Don’t be so hard on yourself. Leave that for the boys, if you get what I’m saying!

      :)Julia

  35. Dear Julia,

    I’m having a really hard time with something and I’m hoping you can help. See, I read The Rules, and then I read The Secret. Both are OMG really good. Not as good as Dave Eggers who is like the brother of Toph who you know, but tots better than that crap movie with Julia Roberts (omg another Julia! xoxo! Did you go to India too or was that the Puerto Rican?)

    But, like, the books sort of kind of say opposite things. I figured you are the guru of relationships, so HALP! I’m tiny and cute and helpless and I really shouldn’t have to think so hard on these things. See, The Rules says that I have to play hard to get and Don’t Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday and Don’t Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him and Don’t Live with a Man (or Leave Your Things in His Apartment), but The Secret promises that if I just want him, I will get him. Can you see why I’m so confused?

    xoxo,
    still tinier & cuter than you

    • Dear Supposedly Tinier and Cuter Than Me But I Doubt That Very Much, Bitch

      I so understand your confusion. My mind is such a muddle of self-help books and articles on how to snag a man that I don’t even KNOW anymore. All I know is that I am hot and I deserve a hot and rich man. And he should do all the work. And he should arrange five evening gowns on my bed before a big date but let me keep ALL OF THEM, not just one. And he should leave his new bride right now and understand that we are meant to be together. Because I am hot. Fuck you, I bet you’re not.

      Sobbingly,
      🙁 JA

  36. Hi Julia, me again! We’re like sisters (but I’m the tinier & cuter one).

    Me too, I really, really, REALLY like shabby sheek stuff for my new apartment too. But I only have a budget of $3-5K to re-do the *entire* thing! I know, right? How can I buy new, over-priced stuff deliberately aged to look distressed-old (ewwww, old) for my den of inquity?

    xoxo,
    tiny & cute & getting saner by the minute

    • Dear BF:

      Offer to give blowjobs for free stuff. It’s earned me a whole shitload of shoes, after all! It’s worth a try!

      Kisses, JA

      • Dear Julia, I’m sooo glad you aren’t mad at me for being tinier & cuter than you! Sisters need to support each other, esp on the bullying internets.

        But the only people who can grift me free shabbie sheek stuff are women and gay men. They won’t accept my blow jobs. *sob*.

        Sisters in solidarity,
        tiny & cutie patootie

  37. Dear Julia,

    My 15th birthday is in February (just like you!) and & I will finally be allowed to “date” boys like car dates & everything! Now like I know all about tricking boys & like giving blowies for gifts (just like you!) & like what to wear & how short to wear it (just like you!) because my girlfriends & I & like even my gay friend we all read your blog like ALL the time like since 8th grade anyways.

    So anyways like here is what I want to know: like what categories do I need to label in my “BOYS SPREADSHEET”? Do you like use a certain color of text to like annotate a boy’s file when you like tell your mom or friends that something happened when like it didn’t really? Like sometimes I can’t remember exactly what I told my mom about a boy so I like fib a little to stay out of trouble with her. BTW my parents are like divorced but that doesn’t like work against girls does it like I will still get a husband, right? My dad who like I only see every other weekend says I have to like keep him in the loop about the boys I date but he’s like pretty cool since the divorce so I can totes tell him anything he is so cool he even buys my thongs (just like you & your dad!).

    There’s the bell so like I have to jet but please please please help me!!!!!!1!!~!

    Signed:
    Future dater who needs help on what all to spread ….

    • Dear FDWNHOWATS

      Listen, my Excel spreadsheets are very important to me. They are top-secret documents. I really resent young people asking me all sorts of questions. It’s like when I hire an intern and she expects me to actually explain how to do things to her. UGH. Annoying! So don’t bug me and figure it out yourself. I am very busy Googling myself right now.

      With exasperation,
      Julia

  38. Heh.

    JuliaAllison: First my hs beau’s fiance allows me to be in wedding party. THEN she picks out a STUNNING, flattering groomsmaid dress. Am I being punked?!

    JuliaAllison: “Principles only mean something if you stick by them when they’re inconvenient.”

    • He was mine, mine, mine, minety, mine first!

      And nice to see another healthy display of how Donkey sees other women. Rivals you always have to watch out for, compete with and screw over before they screw you over.

    • She so DESPERATELY wants Dan’s fiance to be jealous of her. As with all of her “exes.” She’s one sick chick.

        • I know, right? “How can she be treating me SO NICELY? I’m her fiance’s EX HIGH SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND. This does not make sense! What a world!”

          It also exposes how fake all of her congratulatory tweets to her exes getting married are.

    • By “Principles only mean something if you stick by them when they’re inconvenient.” is Donkey goading Dan’s fiancee that she’s not really principled unless she continues to shower Donkey w/ niceties, right down to the last frazzled moment before the nuptials & for the duration of the reception?

    • What a fucking douchecanoe she is.

      As if Dan’s fiancee thinks of her as anything except the pity case that she is.

      A Donkey thinks she’s a femme fatale instead of just a femme fuckedup.

      • Also, on what planet do people have veto power over their future spouses’ wedding attendants? I cannot even imagine what kind of lunatic would want that (except maybe for A Donkey).

      • She used to come on here to beg us not to get into Dan’s woes on the blog and it was pretty clear she did not like Donkey always putting him out there for public consumption. I have heard she is not a fan of the Donkey.

  39. Dear Julia:
    I hope you can help me. Despite my high-status markers (designer wardrobe bursting with genuine Chanel and YSL items, stunning sick whip, and gorgeous shabby-chic condo in fabulous coastal Southern Cali), all legitimately earned by dint of years of concentrated effort, perseverance and blow jobs, I remain the normal, emotionally healthy, and really sweet person that I have always been. Unfortunately, however, several (I guess maybe 100, no more than 200) disproportionately angry, jealous, overweight women (and a few gossipy, backstabbing and promiscuous — read gay — men) have banded together to bully me relentlessly on the internet, and the best efforts of my legal team have stifled them only temporarily. I have now realized my dearest dream and am poised on the brink of fame beyond all imagining. With this will come a wider fan-base than I have ever known. My problem: how to insure that my haters’ ranks are not swelled by the envious among my new audience? Surely with your long experience in the limelight you will be able to advise me.

    I remain yours in perpetuity,

    SO. BLESSED.

    • Dear So Blessed

      Well I would really like to know how in fact someone does that. I mean how, HOW, do I shut these evil haters down? I have tried EVERYTHING! I even harassed and threatened a person when I was just guessing. I have tried spamming their email accounts and pretending to be a law student who was going to bring them down. I begged my Daddy FOR YEARS to do something, but when he finally did, it didn’t work! My furtive attempts at email, telephone and workplace harassment didn’t work either!!! Makes me want to punch someone right in the fucking face!!!!

      Thankfully, however, my lovers will soon out-number my haters when my reality show airs and everyone sees how nice and pretty I am. I AM NICE!!! DID YOU HEAR ME, I SAID I WAS FUCKING NICE!!! YOU BUNCH OF SHITHEADS!

      Kisses,

      Julia

    • Catching up on old comments and…Um, err. I resemble that handle! Frequent Liar Miles, please C & D immediately. Kisses & pleasurable weight loss weekends.

  40. Dear Julia,

    I’ve recently taken up a new hobby–birdwatching! From my reading online, I understand that hobbies require a C-suite of operating officers. How did you find the COO of your hobby blog?

    • Dear Cathy:

      I find it strange that you are asking me to divulge corporate secrets. I am a tech founder and a serious businesswoman. I am not just going to cough up that kind of top-secret information to anyone who asks. Let me be crystal clear: I am against corporate spying. It should be outlawed! And you are obviously a corporate spy trying to steal my secrets.

      With rage and delusion,
      JA

  41. OT: remember the commenter (was it Bonercide?) who insisted that all the protesters in OWS are communists etc?

    andrewgelman.com-the-1-way-to-lie-with-statistics-is-to-just-lie/

    I’m talking about flat-out lying by a professional who has the numbers and deliberately chooses to misrepresent them.

    The culprit is pollster Doug Schoen, and the catch was made by Jay Livingston. Schoen wrote the following based on a survey he took of Occupy Wall Street participants:

    On Oct. 10 and 11, [REDACTED}, a senior researcher at my polling firm, interviewed nearly 200 protesters in New York’s Zuccotti Park. Our findings probably represent the first systematic random sample of Occupy Wall Street opinion.

    Bonercide, come back and explain yourself, you magnificent pipe-shaped beast!

      • I think you should turn the management of the blog over to your team at Katalyst Media to ensure the quality of it’s [sic] content.

        • ‘… the platform has become to big to be managed by a single individual … I then when about my evening … and found a hailstorm of responses calling me an “idiot” and several other expletives that I’ve become accustom to …

          Conveniently, Julia overlooks his inability to spell.

    • And I think she gets to keep it for a while. Stellar Donk-channelling, Jacy! Brightened up an otherwise miserable day on the foggy side of the pond.

    • I don’t know what got into me. I was whipping them off in seconds too even though I have been seriously swamped running errands at my desk. I think I have been possessed by the demon soul of Julie Albertson. She’s inside!!! I need an exorcism.

  42. LOL… she is killing me…

    JuliaAllison The older I get, the more I realize that trustworthy/honest people are more rare than I ever imagined. An incredibly depressing realizat

    • She really must be having a hard time getting people to sign off on her stupid waivers. “I thought you were my friend!! But what about your principles? You said I should have my own show! Now I do! Why won’t you sign?”

  43. The ineffable truth here is that Jacy just answered more “Dear Julia” letters in one morning in her spare time than the uneffable Miss JABa is likely to do in her entire “I play one on tv” pretend job as a dating columnist for a bottom-feeding “reality” show.
    Well done, Jacely, well done.

    • It wasn’t even in my spare time! It was while juggling a million errands at my desk. EXORCISE ME. SHE’S INSIDE!

    • Seriously…

      I don’t mean to hate on/disparage Jacy, but the one thing that rang false to me (well, other than the glaring lack of parentheticals, um, err, oops?) is the fact that almost none of the replies were ripped straight out of the press packets of ‘famiss’ people she knew, or outsourced to interns. Too much work put into those desk errands, really.

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