Got Time To Burn? Read Donkey’s Abysmal Wedding Speech


An insider with access to the video of Donk’s speech at her brother’s wedding last summer is hunkered down in a hurricane zone right now with time on his hands and did us a solid by watching the thing and transcribing it, complete with funny commentary! Got an hour? Read it:

Donkey Speech Described By Her Own Mother As “Not Your Best Work”

I, I’m laughing as, as [Allie’s Father] was giving his speech I was laughing at his description of Allie as stubborn. Because it’s not something you think about when you think about Allie. She’s sweet…but you don’t think she’s stubborn [seriouz thinking clicking noise]. And I will say, I have seen a different side of Allie as she, she has planned this wedding. [Giant mouth gaping]. Allie — [speaking to audience] you guys weren’t there — the car did not show up on time to Allie’s house to take her to the church and Allie gets this look on her face, she’s like, [said in very annoying voice attempting to imitate Allie, making her sound like a three- year-old having a tantrum], “I’m walking. I am WALKING to the church!”

This girl was gonna. get. married. today. Okay? No one’s gonna stop her. I can’t, I — she picked up her enormous dress [imitates picking up dress by fussing with her own two-sizes-too-small dress, revealing pushed-up cleavage in the process] and she just marched [pan to Britt and Allie — Allie’s smiling, while Britt is forcing a tight smile with his hand on Allie’s leg but mostly hidden under the table, likely in a death grip in order to control himelf.] We were like, Allie, no, get in the car, get in the car. [Begins annoying imitation again, but this time, growling the words] “No! I’m going to the church. I’m getting married! I’m being serious.” [Pan to Britt and Allie; Allie laughs like she would laugh at an eight-year-old’s knock-knock joke]. And I’m like, okay I see why they actually have so much in common. [Back to the newlyweds — he is frozen in the same position and Allie has turned to him, looking at him with pleading eyes as if to say: ‘It’s OK, pretend it’s a little funny and it’ll be over soon!”]

Now BRIII… [voice cracks in an ungodly bray while saying first stuttered syllable of his name] if you know Britt well, you know that Britt is, is sort of umm, [seriouz thinking clicking noise] an eccentric character. [An unsmiling Britt actually visibly frowns and looks down at the table]. He is a strange dichotomy of stubborn and sweet. [Britt forces a very tiny smile, lips tightly closed]. And mostly stubborn, but the sweet will come out. [B remains emotionless, watching Donkey. Allie looks at Britt and smiles out the side of her mouth at him. He catches her eye and smiles slyly back. Allie mouths something at him and smiles. They remain holding each other’s hands/hands on each other’s legs. They appear to be reassuring each other.]

And because he doesn’t seem like the kind of person who would be sweet, he gets three times the credit of a normal person when he does come out with that sweetness. And the example I told yesterday in the room, he actually mowed a heart into the lawn to say I love you Mom for Mother’s Day. He has a propensity to cook baked goods into shapes of hearts. You wouldn’t see it – look at him! Do you see it? Hearts? No. He does it. He love, he, he cooks for Allie constantly – well, baked goods only, okay, so not normal stuff.  Umm, [faux thoughtful look upwards] he’s [seriouz thinking clicking noise] he’s, and he will come out, I will, I’ll give you an example. He, he’s, he’s a quiet individual [click click] so he doesn’t talk a lot and you can see why that is, the rest of the family talks for him. But you know, [garbled] why sorta assess the situation and then all of a sudden – BAM – come out with a one-liner that will just floor everyone and then just shut up the rest of the night. I mean, I mean it’s just silence, silence, silence [Allie and Britt look at each other and sort of laugh] and then one-liner and then he just doesn’t say anything else.

So it’s he, he makes his voice heard in that way and I spent the majority of my childhood trying to get him to laugh just doing various things. You know when he does laugh, when he actually pays attention to you, because he never does, it feels SO good. And so when, when Britt and Allie started dating, I remember my dad would say, “What is he saying?!” because he would hear these PEALS of Allie’s laughter – all, all you hear is Allie laughing for hours and hours. I don’t know what B was saying or doing to create that laughter but whatever it was, she found him hilarious and that’s probably why he liked her so much, in addition to the fact she is as, I said yesterday night, the Mary Poppins of women – she is practically perfect in every way.

And I, I would just say this to, to you guys, you know I’m gonna try not to embarrass you as much as I did last night. But you, [seriouz thinking clicking noise] you know, it’s funny, your dad said “Oh your relationship is on and off.” It wasn’t on and off in the way you might think. They had, they are the two most steady, most resolute, most sure of themselves individuals that I have ever met in my entire life. They are, as my mother once said: fully. cooked. I am… still in the oven. And, and because they are so sure of themselves and so confident in who they are and where they’re going [pan to Britt and Allie; she has a half-smile and he has a very odd expression on his face. Without moving his head, his eyes keep darting over at the table where his parents are seated] and what they wanna do with their lives, they, they’ve managed to do it together and in a way that so many young individuals can’t and, and don’t know how to.

And I’ve seen the way they look at each other and, and the way they interact with each other and it’s, it’s just, it’s astounding. And it’s – I asked Britt, and I said this yesterday night, too, I asked him what he wanted me to say during this speech and he said, in his very deadpan manner, [poorly imitating B here, almost a Bart Simpson impression]: “Just say I’m an inspiration.” And, and of course he meant that as a joke because like, right, he’s really such an inspiration??? [This is said very sarcastically. There are audible gasps and oohs then shhhs. Allie looks at Britt. He has a look on his face as thought he’s unsure where this is going. When he hears her say the line “like, right, he’s really an inspiration???” He sits up in his seat and looks over to Allie, his eyes widen, giving her a look that can only be interpreted as, “OMFG, is this even serious?” He is not angry but actually laughing in astonishment that she really said that. Allie can’t look at him, and appears to be afraid she’ll burst into massive laughter, so she looks away and holds back. Britt settles back in his seat, sort of shaking his head]. But, the truth is, you really are an inspiration to me.

And, and sometimes he’ll come out with things, like he [seriouz thinking clicking noise] he hugged — we got into a massive fight on Thursday evening which was lovely. It was, it was definitely exactly like our childhood except I didn’t punch — did I punch you?  I don’t remember. And the next thing, he comes and he hugs me and says “I love you” and it’s that kind of thing, I mean, it just…he. really. does. love. deeply. He just doesn’t like to show it. And with Allie, I can’t say it, you know …he loves you so much and we are SO RELIEVED that you are his wife and we can rest assured that we won’t be stuck with anyone else because you are the perfect, perfect sister I could ever ask for and I feel blessed to have both of you in my life so thank you. [Hugs A and B, piece of paper and phone in hand.]


  1. Whoever you are, I THINK I LOVE YOU.

    If you have “fuck you money” let’s get married!

  2. Doesn’t this line sum everything up?

    “…when he actually pays attention to you, because he never does, it feels SO good.”

    • I do think a lot of her behavior now stems from a real or imagined perception of herself as not intellectual enough or not fitting into her family.

      This speech is horrific. And shows a lot of insecurity on Donkey’s part.

      Brit and Ally seem to be somewhat smart, decently normal people. Everything about this speech is so threatened by that. I don’t know why but she seems to vehemently despise this, possibly because she is too dysfunctional to attain it. So ever since childhood she’s had to be the speshul pretty, pretty princess. “F you, I don’t have to be like you all because I am spesh and I will marry up, and make Fuck you money, and have men buy me things, and fly me places, and buy me jewelz, and being you guys isn’t so cool, when I can be Me, ME, ME!!!!”

      Except she so desperately wants to fit in somewhere. It’s so achingly clear that she both hates and desperately wants the approval of her family.

      To me it’s obvious she’s been lying/spinning/manipulating her family since birth. The “Emotional healthy” Julia she is today is both a product of nature, and was innate (maybe there’s a genetic kink in her system), as well as environment. R & P don’t seem to produce your average, everyday adults. B and J and two ends of a very odd spectrum. On one end, very severe, cold, even distant (IMO he could easily tip the scale towards serial killer. Or maybe I watch too much ID Discovery. To be fair, he does seem very sweet to Ally/ie/i), to center of attention, loud, serial liar whose reality isn’t what’s real, it’s what she chooses to believe at any given moment.

      • I think part of his being cold is Julia’s perception – it is probably a coping mechanism of him shutting down rather than have to deal with her in any way.

        • Yeah. I agree there. I totes shouldn’t have written that about Brit. It’s generally acknowledged here that he’s done nothing to warrant any mocking or judgement other than be born into the same family at the Donkey.

          I’ll revise that to say my very limited impression of him based on nothing but what Julia says/videos and or pictures of him she posts is “reserved” and perhaps a little socially awkward or shy. And really, there’s nothing wrong with that.

          • Just think — this is her embarrassing him and his wife when she SHOULD be on her absolute best behavior, because every one is looking and it’s being recorded.

            You can only imagine how she has acted over the course of his life, humiliating and embarrassing him constantly with her loud, braying Donkey antics.

      • I usually comment here under a different name, but just want to say that he is as normal as any other MIT scientist floating around the infinite corridor.

        • ah! i just realized he works a few doors down from my lab office. i guess i knew he went here but didn’t know he’s still doing his phd.

          • maybe she’ll visit! not gonna lie, i would sort of love to see her interacting with grad students. or with the prof he works for. i wonder what she’d say she “works on.”

          • CLN — I don’t think that will ever happen. For one thing, she doesn’t seem to have a place to crash in Mass., and I think Brit would probably banish her from his place of intellectual seclusion/employment. Not only that, she wouldn’t land a husband there, or consider going there brag-worthy (I seem to recall her somewhat mockingly explaining what he studies, the subtext being ‘um, nerd’), so she would never waste her time.

  3. Way to damn your own brother with faint praise at his wedding! And good job making his bride sound like a bimbo! Gold star!

    Whatever else you can say about the elder Boggarts, it’s hard to dispute that they care about their children. They must have been *pissed* at Donkey for passive-aggressively poking Britt. They seem nearly as bad at communication as my parents, so I think the “not your finest hour bit” is their way of saying, “YOU BEHAVED INEXCUSABLY, YOU JEALOUS CUNT!!”

    • Someone pass me some canklehausen cream, STAT.


      This absolutely horrendous, I can’t believe she did this to her own brother/sister on their wedding day. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all…. unless your trying to ruin your brother’s wedding.

      • Haha I love the image. Apparently rich European women once bathed in donkey milk to improve their complexions. I guess these products are the modern version?

    • They were fighting and she can’t remember if she punched him or not 2 days before the wedding.

      Can only imagine what they were fighting about – “Julia this isn’t about you!” ?

  4. In all seriousness, I feel that the fact she can’t speak intelligently about two people who love each other just solidifies the idea that she has no clue what it means.

    That or she lost count of her sips.

    • There isn’t a person among us who, if called on in a hurry, with no prep, couldn’t give a decent and heartfelt speech about our sibling (in this case her only sib) and his/her new spouse and how great it is that they are married. She had months to prepare this and spends the whole time rambling on and never mentions the couple with anything resembling sincerity.

      I always thought the rumors about Britt wanting nothing to do with her were exaggerated, but now, I’m pretty sure they’re not. If you can’t step up, put your own bs aside, and be the good sister for one damn day, then you are an unsalvageable, irredeemable narcissist.

      • She mentions shit that happened that morning and 2 days before. Nice lack of prep donkey 🙁

        • And she keeps referencing either a speech or a private conversation from the night before, something that many at the wedding probably were not privy to…it’s so awkward, like she’s trying to give the same speech twice and instead gets caught up in a self-referential confusion matrix. Her brain don’t work right.

          • At the time the vid was floating about I also recall theorizing (either here or in chat), that it also makes her look ‘insidery,’ which she loves to do. Like, “Oh, those of you who were important enough to be at the rehearsal dinner know what I’m talking about.” As if it is an inside joke reserved only for the close few in the wedding party.

            Such a Donk move.

          • Imagine having to hear her ramblings two nights in a row … I hope to hell that it was an open bar.

      • Until I got to the end, where the stage directions indicated she was clutching a phone and a sheet of paper, I had forgotten that this wasn’t an extemporaneous speech. I can’t believe she actually meant this to come out the way it did.

        I’d love to have been a fly on the wall for that Thursday-night fight.

    • Yep. I thought it might be mildly embarrassing. I may have to go to bed now, because my Cankleshausen is just that bad.

  5. What a treasure this transcript is … SO. BLESSED. And the bracketed annotations describing Donkey’s gestures and expressions, and poor B and A’s reactions, are priceless and hilarious. The whole thing gave me hives, a case of the squirmmies and Canklehausen’s all at once.

    P.S.: Jacy, I believe that Momsers told Donks that the speech was “not your best work.” Donkey’s (self-described, during a chat session if I recall) Not-finest Hour was when she emailed the tiny, cute fiancee about the sexual overlap. An overdose of sips was cited/sited/sighted as the cause.

  6. As per her methodology for crafting her Pulitzer prize winning columns, I’m sure this speech was composed in her head in the limo on the way to the church than frantically transcribed to a crumpled napkin in clumpy mascara as she sat sobbing in a bathroom stall at the hall, bereft that it wasn’t her trotting down the aisle.
    It’s how all great speeches come about.

    • I’m pretty sure that’s how Winston did it. And he had a little doggie too.


      • I believe FDR penned the line ” We have nothing to fear but fear itself” after losing his lunch following several pitchers of martinis.

      • The Gettysburg Address? Dude, “Honest Abe” was ripped to the tits on white lightning.

  7. Look her manager just gave her the best everyday advice:

    Steven_Grossman Steven Grossman
    @JuliaAllison think of what you would normally wear then pick the exact opposite of that
    13 hours ago

    • Yeah, at first I was like, God you (donkey) are so stupid. But then I re-read this part and it’s kind of like she’s saying, “Oh Allie’s dad said she’s stubborn, but no one really believes that because she seems so sweet, BUT SHE IS STUBBORN, GUYS! The car didn’t show up and she was all, OMG! I AM GETTING MARRIED TODAY, CAR OR NOT!”

      It’s like Donkey was trying to point out the probably 1 minor freakout/not even bridezilla moment Allie had during this entire process. “See guys, she’s NOT PERFECT! She had a MOMENT! I wanna be a bride! University club!!!!!”

      Cue manic laughter.

        • Wait, what? Donkey was INSIDE (the car) instead of helping with the train like the other bridesmaid? THAT’S SO DONKEY!

        • Wasn’t it some sort of Catholic tradition? I am likely completely remembering that incorrectly… but I also thought I remembered a discussion in that vein. Like, walking to the church instead of driving.

  8. [img][/img]

    I posted this earlier, but it’s more relevant here.

  9. They’re fully cooked and she’s still in the oven? Jesus, woman, stick to grifting founders and flightboys and forget writing forever.

  10. one of the funniest juliar moments of all time for me still was the wedding pic where she had a photog taking her photo by the water using britt and allie as the background in teh photo of her!! the other was where allie posed for a photo with all of the “real” bridesmaids, but not juliar

    • [img][/img]

      • Also, bonus pic with Momsers in the church!

        • My fav. is the one where she’s posing ALONE with Brit and Allie in the background, it’s as if she CANNOT stand that the spotlight is not on her.

        • julia should take a cue from momsers and chomp on some hay when posing, instead of going full-on gaping maw ALL. (snap). THE. (snap) TIME. (snappity snap)

        • I really don’t like Momsers. Like fine, cute, do a silly pose with your daughter, whatever. But why must there even BE pictures of Julia from the wedding, you know? Like, why pose with Julia and indulge in her stupid tumble into a vortex of narcissism and toe jam instead of posing with the actual couple the day is dedicated to?

          Julia is 57 years old. Stop indulging her like a little child.

          • With a giant formal wedding like this, you spend a LOT of time standing around waiting for various things to happen (bride to dress, car to arrive, license to be signed, etc.) Everyone has a digital camera on their person in the midst of all this time to kill. You end up with hundreds of dumb pictures.

            I dunno, Robin has always seemed like kind of a good lady to me. Julia didn’t turn out great, but I think Donk just paid more attention to the messages she got from the teevee than she did to mom (boys! clothes! glamor!) Robin seems to live within the family’s means and give back to the community — Donk’s mentioned several charities — and her coming out publicly during the not-to-be-specified “I was inside” incident is brave and admirable.

      • So weird.. The focus of the entire day should be on the bride, and Julia ends up using the posing wedding couple as a backdrop for her own photo..

      • Wow. That’s just–

        I mean, they should use that in psychology textbooks as an illustration for the Narcissistic Personality Disorder chapter.

        I feel bad for Random Groomsman there.

        • I think he is the one she pimped out with her usual, “Ladies, he is single!” Which seems to be her, “That means he isn’t my boyfriend, boys, just a prop! I’m single, too! Pick me! Pick me! It is a statistical fact that posing in a photo with a bride in the background makes all men want to get married, just like making them hold babies makes them want babies. Pick me! Imagine me in that dress!!!!!!!!!NOWASSHOLES!!!!111!!#!@DON’TYOUKNOWIMMELTING?!!@?!1”

  11. As expected, that speech was atrocious. It made no sense. It didn’t flow. It didn’t highlight the love or good nature between the bride & groom. I wish Simon Cowell could critique the speech. He’d call it just dreadful.

    To this day I will NEVER understand how she is a writer. Granted she does not find any success in her career but the fact that she could write columns in any newspaper (even free back in the AM NY days) is shocking. Any commenter on this site can write her under the table.

    And another thing while I’m on a tangent, what is the point of her giving a speech? She’s not the best man (or is she muahaha) or maid of honor. Even MOH speeches make me cranky because there is no need for a second speech. One is enough. Last year my kind, normal emotionally healthy (complete opposite of Jaba) sister offered to give a speech at my wedding but I politely declined and she was relieved since she didn’t want to speak in front of 250 guests anyway.

    If only we can get the Via speech next. I hope there is another saint like this person who sent the transcript from heaven.

    • I believe she completely just blurted this speech as it came to her — she admitted as much and said she’d think ahead for Via’s wedding and actually write something out beforehand.

      • then why was she clutching her phone and a piece of paper during the speech, apparently reading off her phone/paper? i think donkey just has wonky synapses, they don’t fire in a way that would cause coherent output.

        • Touche. I thought she had said that she did not plan ahead for the speech — maybe she just scribbled it out a few minutes prior. But I agree, even when she is prepared with a speech, she’s just an awful speaker with no sense of timing or humor.

        • She did debate in school. When we did impromptu speeches it followed a basic outline and we gave the rest on the fly. I’m guessing she had a bullet point outline on the paper (because she sucks too much to be ‘off card’ as we used to say) that looked like this:

          “* I laughed at Allie’s father’s speech about ‘stubborn.’ Allie acted like a bridezilla earlier! LOL!

          * Brit is ‘eccentric’ and sweet to me and family, and Allie. (Hearts and baked goods!)

          * I used to try to get Brit to laugh. Brit isn’t funny, but makes Allie laugh.

          * ‘Fully cooked’ (like baked goods!) — I am “still in the oven.”

          * Brit’s “I’m an inspiration” joke to me. He does inspire me.

          * He told me he loves me, after we fought. Sweet!

          * So blessed I have Allie as a sister in law, in my life.”

          Also, there are too many current events in the speech, which proves how little time she used to prepare it, even if there were bullets. Laughing at the speech Allie’s dad JUST GAVE. Allie’s run to the church. The stories/references from the rehearsal dinner. The two day old fight.

          Her impromptu speaking ability gets a big fat F, either way.

    • At my wedding, my catsband’s brother gave a speech and my brother gave a speech. Both were short, sweet, focused on one or two humorous anecdotes, and well-prepared. It’s not rocket science. Not sure why the writer Julia couldn’t have come up with something better.

    • I really hope another angel drops the Via wedding speech.
      Years ago, my catband was the best man at his friend’s wedding. The catband is VERY shy, very reserved and hates being the center of attention. He was so nervous about his speech he thought the best way to handle it was to do it on the fly. I told him the best way to handle it was to prepare months in advance, to practice and practice no matter how stupid he felt doing it. I googled forever for some funny lines, examples of best man speeches… I told my husband speeches are supposed to be short, powerful, funny, and sentimental. Even 5 minutes is too long. To pick a funny/cliche/cheesy-but-funny element of marriage, a funny memory that encompasses the nature and depth of his relationship to the groom, an extremely complimentary comment to the bride and how her presence has 1000% changed his life for the better, and pepper all those things with funny stuff that the entire guest list can relate to. It’s hard. Afterwards, people complimented him on how great/funny his speech was. Preparation. It really works.

  12. I am guessing she spent more time putting on her spackle and pelts than she did preparing her speech.

    Of all the things her parents have to be embarrassed about – and man, is that list long – her utter lack of work ethic is the worst. They raised a freeloading and lazy woman-child who believes she is entitled to be compensated for being Julia Allison and absolutely nothing more.

    You get to blame parents for a character flaw like that.

  13. OMG! I can’t believe she rambles like that when she reads from a piece of paper! What would she do if she had to improvise?

    “The Mary Poppins of women”????? Mary Poppins *is* a woman, you brainless soliped!

    The x-of-y construct works when “x” is NOT a “y”, for Chrissake!

  14. Wait…this pile of stumbling, yammering shit was a ‘speech’…as in ‘written down beforehand’? This had to all be made up on the spot after a couple too many drinks, right? No way was this compiled beforehand. No way.

    I was a best man once in my life. I took 6 months to craft my speech…refined it…memorized it and then wrote maybe 5 or 6 key points on a card to reference in case I had to many drinks or too much blow in me when showtime came. I’d never dream of getting up with no preparation….which had to be what she did.

  15. Having been married fairly recently (within the last 3 years), I still vividly remember listening to the wedding speeches from my buddies. And hoping they wouldn’t go off the rails (which at least one of them was prone to doing).

    The worst thing Julia did was allude to them being “on again off again”–that is an absolutely HUGE insult to their relationship, even if true, and should never be mentioned unless you have a really great way of making it into something amazing, like a When Harry Met Sally love story or something. Nearly impossible to do.

    That’s my 2 cents but the whole speech is just frightening to read, I was squirming and hoping it wouldn’t get any worse.

    • Oh yes. The “on again off again” thing was a cunt move for sure, and she will never understand why. Because she’s an idiot.

    • I went to a traditional conservative wedding ceremony recently where the officiant decided to mention during the ceremony that the couple was “on and off again” at one time. Also brought up how they were already living together. Akward.

      • That’s impressively passive-aggressive.

        I once went to a funeral where the celebrant talked about how much of a dick the deceased was. It was very o_O

      • I think you and I were at the same wedding. The officiant’s main sermon was about how numerous breakups and living together before marriage has a way higher rate of divorce. (Both applied to them). It was so awkward, even the old staunchly Catholic grandparents were mortified.

        Of course, they divorced three years later, so….

      • As much as I love that concept, I have to be fair/honest. She wasn’t quite ‘raising the roof’ as much as she was doing a ‘Disney princess’ upward sweep of the arms along with the song. Think her Little Mermaid lipflub. Even without quite being a ‘raise the roof,’ the motion was bad enough; it looked like the crazy aunty who is hopped up on painkillers dancing with herself (which she was) while everyone else is focusing on the solo-dance (which they were.)

        That whole video is so fucking assholey. She spends the whole thing flitting about getting in the way of servers carrying enormous trays (and almost hitting a tray with her gesticulations), swirling around the table, and ‘dancing’ with the shoulders of seated people. She is basically the only person out of her seat, except for the servers, making a complete and total spectacle of herself the whole time. It is to cringe.

  16. I really want to know what she and Britt were fighting about..a few days before his wedding..she is nasty.

    • I have it on fairly decent authority that he wanted to talk to her about not posting photos of the wedding on her blog and asked to see a copy of her speech. You can imagine how well all of that went over.

      • …. and Donkey can’t remember if she punched him or not.

        What a sick sick lady. 🙁

      • Wow, and then she posted them EXCHANGING FUCKING VOWS on Vimeo. What an asshole.

        We paid more respect to Britt and Allie than his stupid Donkey sister did.

      • Is that why all the pictures are of her, with them in the background?

        Naaaaah. Were that the case it would JUST be her. This was a nice little nose-thumb.

        Such a fucking asshole.

  17. And she gave the whole speech while holding her iphone (in a shocking pink cover) in her had. ZUCKERBERG COULD BE CALLING ANY SECOND!

    • Confession: I gave my speech at my best friend’s funeral with my iPhone – in a hot pink cover – on the lectern. I’d flown out the night before and was staying in a hotel where I thought I’d be able to print out the speech I’d written on my laptop en route, but their printer was broken. So I read my notes off my phone.

      But I’m pretty sure JAB had more notice for that event than I did for mine, and that’s pretty much all she and I have in common, I swear…

      I feel so bad for Britt and Alli sitting through that incredibly awkward and embarrassing speech.

      • I’m pretty sure she never checks the phone. She just has a death clutch on it, just in case. Could you imagine if Randi called? “Oh, I’m sorry, please excuse me… Randi ZUCKERBERG, of facebook, is calling. Brit and Allie, congra — HI BUNNY! HOW ARE YOU? I’m at Brit and Allie’s wedding! Let me call you back.”

      • Having to give a speech at your best friend’s funeral pretty much excuses having your phone, laptop, napkin notes… just the fact that you could keep it together and do that speaks to how strong you are. I can’t imagine. Not to be all sappy, but I’m really sorry you lost your friend.

  18. Jacy? O hai, Jacy. Where is JP? I think I need Dr. Gary to hold me, I’m scared.

    Seriously, I miss that bitch.

    • The what?

      Why would anyone do a lipdub live in person? I think the fucking things are stupid enough on the Internetubes, but who wants to see anyone who isn’t a drag queen lipsynch OH WAI

  19. This made my sinuses hurt.

    D’ya think when “Allie mouths something at him and smiles” she mouthed “Fucking donkey”?

  20. O/T Trash TV alert – are any of the British catladies watching Celebrity Big Brother? Tara Reid always sounds like she’s taken 40 clonazepam. And the papp’s fake abs?!?!

    • Might be Donkey’s next plastic surgery…fake abs!

    • Lol, I watched the premiere and announced to an empty room “What the fuck is Tara Reid ON?!” She just sounds drunk all. the. time.

  21. I really, really want the speech transcriber to be the poor dude who had to walk down the aisle w/ Donkey, the same guy she was pimping on her blog (“ladies! he’s single! & lives in Chicago!”), Mathias Kerr.

    That speech was beyond pathetic! I bet Britt & Allie,if they’re planning on kids, have some genuine concerns about Baugher genetics & luck of the draw.

    Ima just leave this right here (in case the speech didn’t quite leave you cringing):

    Donkey posing at some other wedding
    w/ Little Brother for shutterbug Dad$er


    • thank GOD he’s averting his eyes……

      seriously this kind of shit is the stuff that haunts you forever- WHY POST IT PUBLICLY???

    • Because of this pic, I just spent 10 minutes mentally comparing Donkey to Jackie-O in House of Yes.

      Everything makes sense now!

      • Hahaha yes!!! Fantastic comparison! “If people are going to start telling the truth here, I’m going to bed.”

    • Given the blood rising to his head and the angle of her posture, there is no way that immediately after this picture was taken there was not a loud thud.

    • Always creepy.

      How does she not see this?

      I seriously need a bleach and coral loofah scrub and an acid douche after that.

  22. “And because he doesn’t seem like the kind of person who would be sweet, he gets three times the credit of a normal person when he does come out with that sweetness.”

    Oof. Soooo passive aggressive here.

  23. On another note, remember how Donkey made Meghannaise come to the wedding as her date, & had her video wedding vows during the ceremony? Surely even Meghatard could suss it out for herself that that was not appropriate? Anyway, it seems like around then is when their 4EVAH! sistahood really cooled its jets … have there been tips sent to the mods as to exactly WTH happened? One can only imagine how much of a thundercunt the spinster donkey was treating her “BFF” when Little Brother was about to get hitched.

  24. The end of the speech is what kills me.

    “And with Allie, I can’t say it, you know …he loves you so much and we are SO RELIEVED that you are his wife and we can rest assured that we won’t be stuck with anyone else because you are the perfect, perfect sister I could ever ask for and I feel blessed to have both of you in my life so thank you.”

    Thank you? Fucking, thank you for being the perfect sister and not sticking Baughles with someone who doesn’t have the patience of Job and thus, wouldn’t tolerate her attention-seeking BS?

    This isn’t a ceremony for the crowning of a new sister, this is a wedding of two people who are in love, neither of whom is Donkey.

    I work in politics so I have seen some seriously narcissistic and vain people give wedding toasts, and no one has ever made the toast about them. And these are people who are in the business of making everything about them.

    I really hope that the other speeches were given by people who actually care about this couple. Because this speech is the kind of thing where, even 25 years later, friends mention it as the bad thing that happened at your wedding.

      • She also brayed way too loudly during the best man’s speech and — if I recall right — said/shouted something then, too.

        • I wish I could ETA, but I wonder if her former classmates at G-Town (Jack the Bulldog) can tell us if she used to be so ‘interactive’ in class. My high school students compulsively shout shit out, but it seems such things were kept to a minimum in college. I’d assume she kept the interjections under wraps then, as decorum dictates, and as she wasn’t quite so up her own ass back then, but others might be able to provide in-cite?

    • Don’t you know everything is about her

      I can’t wait to hear what she has to say about the hurricane coming this weekend. Is she going to compare that to water bottles falling also? She’s such a narcisstic, ugly pig.

  25. Awesome transcription, feel like I was there watching the horror show in person. I’m guessing the fight was brit begging her to be moderate in her speech and Julie defiantly saying it was her speech, she would say what she wanted and revelling in his anxiety.

  26. That is amazing.

    Still not the most embarrassing wedding speech I have encountered.

    That one was given by a groom, who (among other awkward things) said “I’d like to thank my parents, who bore me.”

  27. Thank you to the ineffable cat man who transcribed this. Would love to see the video.

    So crazy was up all night last night, posting + tagging old photos on FB. You know how everyone says poor Lilly isn’t housebroken, and she poops everywhere? Remember when they did that photoshoot for their big NS launch? Look at the floor. Yep. That is poop. That poor dog. I hope she’s with Momsers right now, getting lots of love and attention.


    • Also, what in the fuck in Lolita does she think she is? I’m all for being sexy but trying to look like a 6 year old sexy ballerina is creepy.

    • don’t forget they also had mary’s dog on the set that day too. double the poop! also, pickett (or whoever the photographer was) has an eye for composition. or he hated them. a lot.

      • hmm, probably from donkey’s clomping hoofs. she has been known to tear a thing or two with them.


        • THAT fauxto is soooooo much insanity …

          Facebook’s sister is trying to make a name for her own self, & yet she’s so inextricably tethered to Donkey, thanks to ridiculous Bi-Polar Birthday Bash fauxtos.

          The Ugly Zuckling needs to hire Donkutation Defender.

        • God. It never ceases to amaze me how her face changes every few months. She looks like a half-melted plastic doll there, as per usual, but less like a marionette compared to the most recent filler-filled pictures. So creepy, dude.

          Julia, get help, stop with the face. Well, actually, stop with the everything. Please get amnesia, forget who you think you are, and hope you are born into a new, less ridiculous personality. Sorry about the face.

      • Other detail shots from that day make me think it’s a muslin seamless they’re posing in front of, not a butcher-paper backdrop.

    • Her head, with the gaping maw, reminds me of the Canadians on South Park. Just an observation though, and not libel or anything like that, Dadser$..

      • A photog who doesn’t see dog turds all over the backdrop is probably not the next Horst or Annie Leibovitz, h’mm?

    • I’ve asked this before, but….

      Don’t her eyes look closer together now than they did back in the day? In the NS promo pics, her eyes look proportional to her face, even if her mouth could possibly swallow the universe. I can’t tell why they look so different now… Bloat? Fillers? Is she doing something different with her eyebrows? Is it a makeup thing? I can’t quite figure out WHY her eyes suddenly look like two little lentils in a bed of mashed potatoes.

      • Her cheeks are bigger (filler) which makes her eyes look closer together in the composition of her face. She also insists on putting guyliner all around her eye, narrowing to a point in the middle and making them appear even closer to the brim of her ever disappearing nose. The comparison has been made a million times, but think of what Michael Jackson did to his face.

  28. So by saying she’s still in the oven, Donks admits that she’s half baked, right?

    She might be ready for BM after all.

  29. Burning bridges, Burning Man, and hopefully a burning vag after unprotected sex with Lewis Howes.

  30. I don’t get the fauxto shoots. Why does she do these? Does she actually pay someone to take photos of her after she dresses up? On a regular basis?

    I find my lack of comprehension worrisome.

    • not gonna mention names (MONIKA DE MYER) but a lot of the photogs do this for free (or are duped by donks into doing this for free since they are students, MONIKA DE MYER) for their portfolios/exposure.

      • Yep, this is called a TFP (time for prints) shoot, where both parties get to build their books without having to comply with a client’s vision. Donk probably hits up OneModelPlace or ModelMayhem to find young, hungry photogs.* If I knew less than I do, and were just starting out in the industry, I would jump at the chance to have a quasi-famous face in my book (“She was on the cover of Wired and in a Sony ad with Justin Timberlake!”)

        * At least one that she’s worked with has an account there:

  31. Hi everybody, it’s me, me, me, Maserati of Mendaciousness. I just want to tell you all how glad I am to be giving the speech as maid of honor at RollsRoyceRevenge’s wedding. Yeah, I know! Whooda thunk, right? But here we are, all of us, well, most of us, and those of us who couldn’t be here are probably with us in their thoughts what with traffic to the Hamptons being what it is. So anyway, I have known Rolls ever since I realized that she was prettier than me — ha ha, right? — and I was determined to be her best friend, whether she wanted me in that role or not, or rather I decided this once I made sure she wasn’t a lesbian, because you know, private schools, the rumors, my God, a snake pit it was. It’s been a mad, mad, mad couple of decades we’ve known each other – from that time she set fire to the toilet seat at her aunt’s place — a little pyromaniac she was! — to the time she threw her belt at me and the buckle gashed the side of my head and I needed stitches and if you really look at my ear you can see the scars — ha ha, all good fun, right? That was last year. Ha ha. Such crazy girls we were. And now here she is, jammed into her dress, looking pretty damn good, ten minutes away from marrying Wallace — a great catch by the way, I knew she’d rope him in — and it’s still like we’re at college, or rather that she is at college and I am showing up unannounced during her Senior Thesis week and she has opened the door and is looking at me with that fondness that I have come to value so very, very much — that expression that says: “Oh, Maserati, you crazy girl, you little elf of the unexpected, how wonderful of you to pop back into my brain and remind me how kooky the world can be.” Yeah. That look. You know what I’m sayin’? Ha ha ha!*

    *transcript, more or less, of actual maid of honor speech

  32. OHMYGOD, I am so freaking happy and I haven’t even read the whole post or any of the comments yet!! I’ve been slogging my way through crowded stores full of panic-stricken folks to stock up on water and batteries, and I REALLY needed a laugh right now.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you to Transcriber Cat! I’m going to print this now, so I can read it again when the power goes out.

    Big furry hugs to everybody in mean ol’ Irene’s path.


      • I’m in Maryland, but not in the danger zone. I was just getting prepared because we lose power every time even a little storm comes through, sometimes for days. We’re expecting some minor flooding, and the water might become undrinkable for a little while.

        We are putting up some relatives who were evacuated from Ocean City, so that’s why I was out shopping for a little extra everything. I was very surprised (and a little frightened) to see that the parking lots were jammed and the grocery shelves were nearly empty. It was like everybody was preparing for the end of the world!

          • booo please don’t say that! I just moved here from jersey, and yesterday at my desk-errand-running-place everyone was quick to tell me I was losing my power since I have pepco. it doesn’t look like the storm is going to be that bad now, though, so…I’m hoping the power stays on. between the power thing and me just not knowing what it’s like around here (I’m in montgomery county right near the red line) when there’s a storm like this, I’m a little anxious.

  33. I KNEW IT! She’s got a spot in an rv with a bunch of Ferriss’s victims for Burning Man.

    AlexisNeely Alexis Martin Neely

    @MichaelEllsberg 🙂 @juliaallison and @justinemusk are staying in my RV!! so sad you won’t be with us.
    15 minutes ago

    • Geez, she & La Donk sure do bear a strong resemblance.
      Let’s hope, for her sake, that that’s all she has in common w/ her.

    • Ugh. It’s gonna be one giant techie Snake Oil Salesman circle jerk:


      Big shocker. But was we all know, her real agenda = The Great Husband Hunt of 2011.

      • I know Alexis. Get rich if you follow your dreammmmsss type. But, she is way hotter than Julia. Can’t see those bitches fighting for the shower/ toilet/ mirror.

        • RV camping is pretty well looked down upon at the burn. It is kind of a pussy thing to do.

          Also, if you use the RV toilet you have to either deal with a week of your septic getting filled with shit baking in 100+ degree temperatures, or you pay the septic trucks to pump it out every few days for some ungodly amount. The first situation is just laughable, and the second one is considered pussy camping/luxury burning. Part of the experience is the hike to the potties, dealing with the potties, the glory of hitting a clean potty, talking to people in line for the potty, gifting people with TP when they brought none, helping people watch their bikes while they potty, sharing hand sanitizer, whatever.

          It sounds so silly, but something as simple as taking a piss becomes a chance for community and interaction. It is also a shared misery and occasionally a moment of great relief and a sometimes simple pleasure (for example, the aforementioned freshly cleaned potty, or the notes you find in the johns. For example, I will never forget the year I came across, “Here I sit, broken hearted, came to shit, but only gave birth to a Texan” in a john. In spite of that, though, I must mention that tagging is forbidden. No painting ‘juera xoxo’ on the walls, you damn donkey.)

          Also, RV campers tend to be notoriously isolationist, just sit around and suck up AC during the day, and less inclined to get out and share. I would bet she spends most of the day sitting around in the AC and missing out on all the awesome day activities.

          • Ugh, there is a stupid yuppie name for this. “Glamping” like what celebrities do when they go to Glastonbury. There shouldn’t be anything glamorous about camping because the whole point of camping is to rough it obviously. It seems like Burning Man will be full of these douchetard glampers this year. Yuck.

          • Ugh, RV camping at Burning Man just sounds miserable. Especially if you were stuck in a tiny RV with Julia Allison and her voice…

      • I think Michael Ellsberg bears a strong resemblance to Dr. Steve Brule:


    • Staying with the married Michael Ellsberg, son of the famous Daniel, in a cramped RV. Son of an OMG FAMOUS PERSON OMG who told her recently she was the most charming person he’d ever met.

      I think we’ve found our victim, people. The reason she was frantic to get to Burning Man. Marriage schmarriage!

        • Do we know if this Lewis character is going to Burning Man? She’s tweeted him non-stop since the “conference”.


          @LewisHowes @GabbyBernstein – Whaa! You two know each other!?! Hugs all around!

          …pissing on her territory much?

          • I agree, Jacy, that it is Ellsberg she wants. Also, I am sitting here giggling, because all of these guys seem to have gotten them impression at ferriss’ clusterfuck that Julia Allison is a really cool chick. They are about to find out that she is not all that interesting.

      • So THIS is why she canceled her trip to Paris (AND FUCKING LIED THROUGH HER DONKEY TEETH ABOUT IT).


      lol forever

      I can’t believe she is going to motherfucking Burning Man. She’s 50 or something and has magical fertility twins or triplets and is the ex-wife of the Tesla guy and is reinventing herself as a Srs Writer Lady.

    • OMG. You GUYS!!!! I have been wanting you all to find out about AlexisMartinNeely for years. She is a life coach who is 10x crazier than JA. Last year she married some guy she’d known for about a week AT Burning Man in a ceremony there. They divorced a couple months later.

      • Um… I was going to wait with this fun fact, but she likes to dumpster dive for food – it fits in with her whole sustainability/burning sage/hippie commune/13 hour drumming cirlces lifestyle. I’m talking eggs and everything… from a dumpster…

        Enjoy your breakfast, Julia.

  34. Hey cats ‘n whatnots, I am reposting this comment because it was Langoliered (I made it on a post that everybody had already moved on from.) It was in reference to the mysterious whereabouts of Julia’s Comic Con coverage.

    “I went to G4 to see if there were any videos from Comic Con with Julia Allison. I was very surprised to see one from 2007, where she is introduced at the beginning as an Entertainment Columnist from Maxim magazine. Then her chyron is “Columnist, Maxim”. Say whut? How did I miss this??

    The lulz start at 1:58. The host starts to ask her a question on a new topic — she breaks in and starts braying her opinion on the previous topic. Fun fact: Julia Allison, crowdsourcer extraordinaire, thinks the wisdom of crowds isn’t that great. BWAHAHAHA!!!”

    Apologies for the interruption. So sorry. So full of gluten.

    • She indeed brays away and then it becomes clearly evident that, once again, Julie doesn’t know her alleged area of expertise, apparently blanking on YouTube “sucking” because Viacom had just ordered their videos down in 2007, which another panelist reminds her. Oh yes, she is SO random–anyone off the street probably would have remembered this in 2007.

  35. OT
    Parisian Cat ladies! I’ll be in Paris this coming Friday through Monday traveling on my own. I saw some people commenting from France a few weeks ago but never joined in. Hoping you ladies are still around. Sad that I won’t see JA in Paris but I’d love to grab drinks with some of you guys if any of you are free. Please email me!

    • Hey, all the Paree lurve is getting me down. Sure, it’s a great city and all, but what about Berlin??? Why is no one planning any trips here????


        Let’s rectify the Berlin cat lady situation. I make a mean Bloody Mary.

        • Woah, really???? So. Blessed.

          OK, we defo need to organise a meetup…that would be just awesome sauce. Meet in chat sometime to organise?

        • OMGmarried a German guy. I’m from the UK orginally. Not really the “follow-your-man-around” type, either, but he’s a journalist so there were more job opps for him on his home territory. Having said that, my heart-on for Berlin is NEVA-ending. Absolutely stunningly brilliant city, as I’m sure Braying Manatee will agree. Y’all should come visit!

        • OMGmarried a German guy. I’m from the UK orginally. Not really the “follow-your-man-around” type, either, but he’s a journalist so there were more job opps for him on his home territory. Having said that, my heart-on for Berlin is NEVA-ending. Absolutely stunningly brilliant city, as I’m sure Braying Manatee will agree. Y’all should come visit!

          • That’s awesome! I have a soft spot for the language, the country, and the people. I’ve always thought the language was grating (a la Donkey’s voice!) until I visited and heard actual Germans speaking it. So beautiful! Signed up for German 101 that fall in college, and studied abroad in Tubingen the year after that. It was lovely.

          • German gets unfairly maligned. I too think it can sound lovely when spoken by actual Germans, particularly women. Rent The Princess and The Warrior, by the guy who did Run Lola Run, and tell me Franka Potente’s German in that movie isn’t lovely and sexy.

        • I hate you all.

          I am living just a few blocks from “The Villages: Florida’s Friendliest Hometown.”

  36. [img][/img]

    She doesn’t know why she’s sticking her butt out like a whore. She can’t be held responsible for the things her ass does.

      • It’s that castle place in Napa where Tim Ferrrisss’s (I can’t never remember how many R’s and S’s he has in his name) kimono-opening conference was held. Between this and her tweet about getting a shot in her OMG BUTT, I’d say that someone here is VERY SUBTLY trying to get some new wallet to picture her ass constantly in the air.

    • [img][/img]

    • Get ready – Julia says the three of them are “plotting” which you know means the 3 of them out on speaking tours – this will be donkeys new grift. It’s already given her raft ass 2 free nights in a hotel – this is the life she wants!

      Just hope those fake credentials don’t catch up with her.

    • The tour contracts have been signed.
      With extensive (donkey)riders of course.
      Peltapaloza 2011 will be coming to the breakfast room of a Best Western Express near you soon(ish).
      Looking like Randi ISN’T smart enough to avoid hitching her business to be to Julia’s burrowagon.

    • You guythhhhhhhh! Julie ith wearing her ‘Pretty Woman’ dreth:


      Awwwww…gueth Momtherth didn’t look that amathing in the dreth, thinth Julie didn’t let her keep it. That giveth me the thadth 🙁

  37. FUCKING HORRIFYING. Donkeylips is a nightmare x infinity.

    I barely got through it, it was so embarrassing.

    • Not that anything described here pertains to a Donkey, but I do wish people would stop going after her on Twitter, particularly the people who start up an account for the sole purpose of calling her a whore and have no followers, and follow no one. She can choose to ignore this site but she can’t ignore that — it’s in her face. It is demented.

  38. I’m late by a day, but she totally winged that wedding speech. Remember this post?

    “I learned my lesson from my brother’s wedding: no matter how well you think you speak extemporaneously, Do. Not. Wing. A. Wedding. Speech. (Lesson #2 from my brother’s wedding: Never try to sing as a joke. Unless you are a professional comedian, no one will think it is funny. And probably not even then.) As my mother said, referring to my speech: “it wasn’t your best work.”

    As someone said upstream (mini driver?), the piece of paper probably had some bullet points she wrote down on the way to the wedding.

    She wasn’t wrong. A year later I still cringe over it!”

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