Another Nonsensical Spewing That Donk Considers Profound

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And from that philosophical genius, Emily Rose.

“You either win in life or you learn in life.” @EmilyAnnRose (she’s visiting from Boston; we’re brunching at Eggsperience in Chicago!)

Huh, so you can’t win and learn then. Does that mean you can only learn if you lose? You can’t lose and fail to learn, as Donkey has for the past several years on many different fronts? Where does Emily Rose’s important philosophical discovery leave that old adage “live and learn?” What about that Alanis Morissette song, “You Learn?” She won — Jagged Little Pill was HUGE!! — and she learned. What about OMGPEARS-shaped chicks? Can they win and fail to learn, because they are too fat and disgusting and repulsive to men to ever learn? Instead, do they lose and then learn important lessons about the hideousness of their pear shapes? Do they live and learn? What?

p.s. If someone can photo-shop a pear into that photo above, I will be very grateful, and I will have won. But not learned.

DISCLAIMER: This is not body-snark. I repeat. This is not body snark. This is commenter snark.

232 COMMENTS

    • You are. But because you won, you really could not have learned. Winners are always dumb and stupid, silly — it’s LOSERS who are smart and self-aware. Just like Julie Albertson!

  1. I just want to say, I have been having a shitty last few days ($, job, living situation) and this place has been my saving grace and helped me laugh and keep my many chins up.

    Now, if someone could photoshop a god damn pear into that photo, I would be dead of laughter.

  2. Why does our little burro insist on inserting an exclamation point into every commonplace? “We’re brunching at Eggsperience in Chicago!” “I’m getting my baggage off of the airport carousel!” “I’m with my dad at his OMG! Princeton reunion!” “I just fucked up another undeserved golden opportunity and burnt another bridge!”

    • The shrill exclamation points about ordinary things convey the sound of the terrible existential emptiness of her life. A silent shrieking. It’s fake excitement of course. She wants it to seem she’s having a good time all the time, but those exclamation marks are signalling a sarcastic, passive-aggressive hostility too.

      • Sort of asking a rhetorical question re: that silent shrieking, the passive-aggressive impulse behind the “isn’t-everything-in-my-life-even-brunch-so-incredibly-thrilling” front, as though this Freudian hysteric would cease to exist if she weren’t braying at the top of her lungs.

  3. I have learnt that I rarely win.

    Also, to pear shape or not to pear shape, that is the question.

  4. This is from myself and Brayniac. Too much wine flowing in our basement.

    [img]http://tinypic.com/r/2n72zro/7[/img]

    • The eerie thing is that for some reason the pear looks much more natural than about 99 % of the other things she usually wears. Or is this just me?

  5. It can’t be a coincidence that she told Jakob that she wanted a pear-shaped ring! Is it a coincidence or a sign? I can never tell the two apart!

    [img]http://images.marthastewart.com/images/content/pub/weddings/2010Q1//msw_win10_harry_winston_pear_xl.jpg[/img]

  6. Would someone mind giving me a quick recap of the pear comments? I don’t know how I missed it!

    PS – this tweet is beyond dumb. Why can’t learning and winning be mutally exclusive? Who really cares if you learn and/or win? Just live your life. I actually had to think about the point of the tweet and it doesn’t make sense which is usually the majority of the statements that the donkey finds profound.

    PPS – the photo of donkey and Emily Rose makes me laugh that she’s doing a skirt pull when there is nothing to pull. I can’t imagine being so insecure about taking photos that every spasm and movement has to be articulated.

    • It comes from this comment in the previous post. So its not body snark…. this person was saying that guys automatically cream their pants at any women with a pear shaped body , snark in reverse,,,,, now all the male pants are wet many times over from this post, feel free to ejac

      Julia Allison Is Guilty Of Bonercide says:
      August 13, 2011 at 10:06 am
      Then there are those who’ve never been impressed by her and saw right through the thin veneer of nice.

      And, of course, there are those who *insist* that she has a great figure. (The whole “men cum on sight for pear shapes” still cracks me up!) So I’ll go with my own impressions, experiences, observations.

    • Yeah, it’s back in the previous post’s comment thread. A bizarre Pear-Shaped War erupted.

    • I think I might have started it…Bonercide pissed me off with some comment about JA’s flab and I mentioned that lots o men like the pear shape, and then in the last post she claimed it was a previous meme, that no men liked pear shapes, and that this entire site is full of pear fanatics. Or something. My carpal tunnel is acting up or I would try to link to the initial exchange.

    • Sorry – I’ll quote the post to avoid giving her page views.

      Pic is of a poster that says “Work hard and be nice to people.” Her profound comment?

      “I would change this sign to just “Be nice to people.”

      I think people get so caught up in “working hard,” they lose sight of everything else in their lives. Hard does not equal “long.” Work SMART! Add value to people’s lives. That doesn’t mean that sometimes it won’t FEEL like “hard work,” but if you’re really on the right track, other times it won’t feel like work at all.

      Instead you’ll be thinking, “They PAY me for this?!”

      Or that’s what I’ve heard, at least. ;)”

      • Bouncing little burro! Will you never learn?!!

        You can either work hard, or you can be nice to people!

        It’s nice to be nice, but its more important to be important.

        • Exactly, and it’s most important to one day say “they PAY me for this?”

      • I would like a list of people who would say Julia Allison has added value to their lives.

        • She’s added value to my life by bringing together this lovely, learned, LOL-some group of haters.

      • OH fuck her up the ass. I cant even start with this. Hey dickweed? I am currently doing a job I fucking loathe becase i can’t find a better job in my field, but I need to pay my fucking rent so I am in misery, but I do it because I HAVE TO FUCKING WORK. You havent worked a day in your life and you have no rent to pay, seemingly endless amounts of time and money to squander, and zero credibility and insight.

        I can’t stand her ass.

        • I’ve heard similar shit from her before. Like any lazy person, she’s against work, and thinks she should be exempt from it. It bothers her when she sees others working hard, because she knows she can’t do it. She’s been hung up on that “4-hour work week” bullshit for years now…always searching for a way to get paid without doing SHIT. Her laziness knows no bounds. She should listen to my French sociology professor, who told us that hard work is a basic human need, that ends up making humans feel happier in life and better about themselves. (I’m not just talking about job work…I was a stay-at-home mom for a few years, and I still am every summer, and that shit is REALLY hard work.)

        • We’re in the same boat, JFA. Fuck privileged entitles fuck offs who get a free pass and don’t have to actually work..

          • I just also hate this shit “Oh do what you LOVE!!!!!” Okay fucking dickhead, if you pay off my $150K+ debt, I’ll be happy to do that. Right now, I went to law school to try to better myself and I have to do what pays the bills. Fuck off and die.

            When she gets a real job one day in her life I’ll listen to her ass about life and work.

      • OH OH! You rang?!

        Yes, Julia. People SHOULD be nice to each other. Strange though to hear you think that…. so if thats the case then ummm err oops? What happened that you seem to have forgotten that for the last 30 years?

  7. Oooh someone has to speak at a conference in LA and isn’t going to get to go to Pear-eee.

    • Oh, come on! LOL. Someone LITERALLY predicted she would end up not going. Oh, the lulz…

      • CAN I POINT OUT THE IRONY (yes, in caps because I’m screaming!!!) that Donkey just posted about being NICE TO PEOPLE and that THAT was more important than working harder —

        Now she is crowd sourcing for random strangers who read her blog and twitter to hang out with Rachel Billow in Paris because Donkey is pulling out to attend a conference in LA.

        I die.

        • This is really the shittiest of the shitty. What a total turd, and what the fuck does Julia expect will realistically happen? A million Parisian fans are just going to crawl out of the woodwork offering to escort Rachel around town or put her up when Donkey’s essentially made it clear that while Rachel’s company isn’t good enough for HER to resist staying home to give some fakakta made up bullshit talk, EVERYONE ELSE should totally want to hang out with her! What a tacky, tacky cow.

          • You know what could make this situation worse? Poor Rachel meeting up with some nut job or psycho Julia Allison fan. God. I would die, if this was done to me — and I’m open to adventure and everything – this just seems like a blatant way for Donkey to absolve herself from any guilt or responsibility.

            She is the shittiest pear of them all.

          • I’m glad she won’t be fouling up Paris with her typical bullshittery, though. Dumb Donkey…you have no job but still somehow the funds to go to Paris for weeks…why the fuck wouldn’t you go?

  8. Day-um, they haven’t even made it to Paris and already Donks has found a way to fuck Rachel over:

    “Anyone know anyone amazing in Paris? Anyone you might introduce

    I ask because at the last minute I was invited to speak at a conference in LA during what was meant to be the first part of my Paris trip (24-26) and my amazing high school girl friend Rachel will now be there on her own. I don’t want to leave her hanging, so I’m helping set up an amazing itinerary of fun things to do and interesting people to meet!”

    Called it–Rachel should never have tried to hitch her wagon to donks for a second go-around. NEVER THE DONKEY, RACHEL!!

        • Yeah, until this Paris trip came up, they basically hadn’t been in much contact since the SeaWorld shill trip a couple years ago because rumor had it that Donks was hitting on Rachel’s husband? Sorry no link for you (I miss you Fuckcamping!), but it definitely seemed like at that point Rachel had learned her lesson. Evidently not.

          • It was 2 things (and I hate that I know this).

            1. Donks was hitting on Rachel Billow’s bf (a guy she is still with, as far as I know)

            2. Billow set Donks up with a guy friend of hers in Chicago (a lawyer, I think) and Donks hated him, talked badly of him, and complained

          • All the speculation about a fallout with Billow has been unverified, as far as I know, unless you are Afghani, who appears to know everything about the tertiary characters in Julia Allison’s life.

          • Yes, we got some of that from one source, could not verify it with others, and the source flounced off in the end because he/she misunderstood a post or a comment — he/she thought someone was insulting her when we were making some reference to an old meme or story, I am foggy on the details — and we never heard from the person again.

            I always suspected it was Billow herself but basically the story was that Donk had been set up with Hipster Lawyer by Billow, then she proceeded to badmouth him on every front, including sexually, he felt used and abused and mistreated by her, and Billow wasn’t happy about it.

            Hitting on Billow’s man was a rumor that we heard whispers about but never any confirmation.

    • I thought Rachel B. set her up with Hipster Lawyer, too? And does this mean there will be no formal wear/Moulin Rouge costumes??

      • Yes, who is apparently a really good guy, and Billow was none to pleased that Donk began mocking him for various perceived transgressions to their group of friends.

  9. She really couldn’t say no to another dumb speaking event? That’s her reason for ditching her friend?

    • She’s giving the keynote at the opening of a new Learning Annex in Tarzana and simply can’t be bothered to slut it up Moulin Rouge style. Get ready for lectern fauxtos in 3 2 1.

  10. Wow, she fucking bailed on her friend’s france trip to speak at a “conference” – now forcing her friend to fly solo?

    What a fucking selfish asshole cunt she is. Seriously. How about not doing the conference?

    She’s the worst. The worst. The worst. Pure entitled evil. Rotten to the core.

    • I can believe she’s unloading her guilt by asking strangers on the Internet to take care of her friend.

      • Its one of the nastiest things she’s EVER done. I was actually taken aback, and even the most horrendous Donkey behavior doesn’t phase me anymore.

        This is truly awful. She should be ashamed of herself.

        No wonder so many of her “friends” are actually tipsters to the site. I’d go so far as to say besides Greasy she might not have a single friend in the world.

      • I can’t believe her profile of her friend starts with her educational pedigree. OMG, so embarrassing!!

        • I wonder if Rachel even knows she’s doing this because I would kill my friend if she did this. Donkey has enough friends going to this party, she can ask one of them to entertain Rachel – or she can ask true friends on Facebook – I think putting it out to the world is creepy and kind of dangerous.

          • I seriously hope Rachel tells her to go fuck herself and makes the situation very clear to Natasha and any other mutual friends they share if it ends up Rachel cancels her trip entirely now. I can’t see how Julia will possibly save face on this one.

          • Who can’t be on Paris on their own for two days? What the fuck? What, there aren’t enough museums or parks to explore or shows to see or landmarks to visit or cafes to linger at? She has to have a minder? Jesus.

          • Jacy, what I’m thinking is Rachel told Julia how shitty it was to cancel on her and how she didn’t want to see the sights alone but with a friend. And in Donkey’s hamster brain, this is the solution… because Donkey has no real friends, she doesn’t understand how really, really shitty this is.

          • Maybe Dadsers or Gmbags said he/she wouldn’t pay for the trip to Pearis since it had nothing to do with her work. The vault could be closing

          • Am I misunderstanding? She’s still going, isn’t she? She’s just leaving two days later. She is a douche for posting that ridiculous plea for company for Billow, but if Billow can’t fly to Paris on her own and spend two days there without throwing a hissy fit, she’s also a tool. I bet she’s relieved.

          • True, that level of co-dependancy for a woman her age is ridiculous, but I think it’s more about botched expectations–I would love to spend a few days in Paris all by myself if I planned them to be solo from the get-go. If, however, I spent the past few months under the impression that I would have company and only a few weeks before our trip that friend bailed, I would be furious. Should Rachel still go and make the best of it? Absolutely, and she’d be a fool not to–I just think she has every right to call Donkey out on her bullshit.

            That said, I think you’re spot on that from Donk’s perspective, this trip was never going to happen in the first place. I kind of doubt that any flights or hotels were even booked.

          • I don’t know. It’s two freaking days, not a week. And seriously, if Billow can’t be on her own in Paris for two days, her problems are as severe as Donkey’s. If I were her, I’d be relieved to be off the hook of having to sightsee in Paris with that braying entitled spoiled brat and grateful to have some time on my own.

          • It’s not whether Billow can or can’t survive 2 days in Paris by herself…. it’s about whether this is something Donk should’ve told her long ago, so she could go with someone else or not gone at all. It’s also entirely possible that they planned a lot of the hotels and itinerary together, with Billow defering to Le Donk… and now Donkey isn’t going. Of course, Billow is fucking stupid if she doesn’t realize that she’s nothing more than a prop friend to Donkey at this point.

        • Who amongst her “friends,” Billow included, resolve wants or needs Julia in Paris anyways? By bailing she is doing them a favor. Of course she has to do it publicly, although I’m sure there are multiple layers of lies behind her excuse.

    • I mean seriously…what a category 5 cunt. No wonder JACK MCCAIN wants nothing to do with her and has erased her from his life, because she’s random.

      http://julia.nonsociety.com/post/8928298424

      And just for old times sake…

      Jack McCain, John McCain, Cindy McCain, Meghan McCain, Julia Allison, Julia Baugher, Peter Baugher, Robin Baugher, Tribune Media Services, Social Studies, plagiarism, plagiarize, fired, Georgetown, columnist, grapefruit, macbook air, nonsociety, worst fucking friend ever

    • Ya know, I was wondering earlier why Donkey would be leaving for France from the west coast instead of the east coast, & then I decided dafukk it, I wasn’t going to go back to look it up & see if I was remembering right. So, her plans to be in CA & leave for France from there, is that a tell that she was already planning on going to the conference?

      YO, RACHEL! Surely this does not surprise you, right? I mean after all, we’re talking the same cunt who’s been faking Ceiling Cat’s Disease ever since she faked falling down subway stairs following the fake endo just so she could get out of that 3-day clomp you paid her admission to. You’re surprised that she’s bailing on you AND crowd-sourcing the entire freaking world w/ an APB that single white girl will be traveling alone unless a donkey can hook her up w/ a total random stranger? Really? No you’re not. We’re not, why would you be?

      • :: AHEM ::

        Taylor Swift Los Angeles, CA Staples Center Aug 24, 2011
        Wed 7:00PM

        Taylor Swift Los Angeles, CA Staples Center Aug 27, 2011
        Sat 7:00PM

          • No, it’s pure speculation and as Jacy pointed out, it seems she is only pulling out of the first 2 or 3 days… not the entire trip.

            Something tells me she won’t end up going at all but we’ll see…

        • Oh hey, sorry to cause confusion, if I did.

          That’s LA convert schedule that I C&P, is all.

          Not that I would be surprised if Donkey bailed on a friend & racked up expense of changing an international flight so that she could go to a 2nd TweenSwifty concert in the same month for free. She has no concept of $$ or friendship.

          She didn’t order cowboy boots #2 or nuttin’ …

      • If she considers speaking at another pointless conference a better offer than Paris, she’s a complete fucking idiot. Unless they are paying her really well, in which case maybe she is so broke she feels she has to go.

      • I’ve the good fortune of an upcoming trip to Paris and I cannot freaking wait! One of the highlights of my year! It’s Paris fer chrissakes.

        Also, many thanks to all you catladies who have offered Paris tips recently.

  11. I love category five cunt so much I am borrowing it for my user name… 🙂

      • There’s a “Caution: Rattlesnakes” sign attached to the original Runyon Canyon sign. I should have left it on! Didn’t notice until already uploaded.

        Confidential to RBillow: Come into the light. Step out from under the dark shadow of Brayella Hoovenstein. Join us.

    • Poor Lilly! I know the pic is old, but, shit…she literally looks like she is staring doggy death in the face.
      p.s. The photoshoppe is hilarious

    • I had to redo it. Couldn’t resist the jelly kittehs peering out the basement window in honor of Cuntbunnies. And the bishplz kitteh too.

      [img]http://i54.tinypic.com/2ap1zp.jpg[/img]

  12. Something tells me that Julia either didn’t pay for or couldn’t afford Paris, because absolutely no one would have bailed on that sort of already-paid-for trip.

    • I think you are right and I think she’s known for a long time she was not going.

    • She was definitely already planning to be in LA … but WHY?

      So, I mentioned before, my childhood friend Natasha is throwing a huge 30th birthday bash at this chateau in France […] Since I’m leaving on Wednesday for SF, then will head directly to LA, and finally fly from LA to Paris, I have to pack something now, or order a dress from Rent the Runway to meet me in LA.

    • A woman who has everything paid for and is completely on the dole of enabling parents would. I’m sure ole’ Petey Boy just saw it as another line on the credit card bill, right next to his subscription to OiledUpPolishDudes.com

  13. Anybody else find it horrifyingly creepy that Julia asked her anonymous internet readers to find “someone amazing” keep her friend Rachel company?! It’s one thing to ask for suggestions, but totally different to basically write a match.com profile for them, then launch them into the internet, only to meet complete strangers deemed “AMAZING” by Julia. Julia who accepts free heels and dresses from fetishists.

    I mean, would you really go on the internet in search of “friends” for your friend? People YOU haven’t met, and SHE hasn’t met?? In a foreign country, where you’re already out of your element?

    *shudder*

  14. I bet ‘I want my two dollars’ that julia allison baugher that since she wasn’t going she wouldn’t pay for the split hotel room for those 2 nights.

  15. further – in response to a clear catlady comment on the donkcast, Julier offers this:

    LoraR 30 minutes ago
    that is so exciting! LA is great in August. Where are you speaking?? Is the talk about social media?

    juliaallison 20 minutes ago in reply to LoraR
    Yes! Talk is about social media 🙂
    The conference is for brands and industry insiders. I’m really excited!

    … brands and industry insiders!!!! what an idiot.

    … Also, Greason must be getting weary with the constant uninvited donkey. Imagine having a person you know fly across the country every three weeks and expect you to hang out with them the whole time? Exhausting.

    • Who knows what event she’s trying to pass off as OMGexciting opportunity, but I’m just going to put it out there that a cursory google search brings up, umerroops, no “social media” conferences in LA that week.

      • yeah, and the same quick google search indicates that there is a whole social media week mid-September. Why would “brands and industry insiders!” Show up half a month before the big event for OMGPEARS? She’s gotta learn to lie better. Or pre-google her lies.

      • she’s going to SF for some reason before LA:

        “Since I’m leaving on Wednesday for SF, then will head directly to LA, and finally fly from LA to Paris, I have to pack something now, or order a dress from Rent the Runway to meet me in LA. “

      • He lives in Pacific Heights (SF) but is moving to Palo Alto nextz month.

        Right now, though, he’s on vacation in South America. I’d have to check his FB, but last time I did I think it said Chile or Peru.

    • Juliar pants on fire. Industry insider and branding folks are all going to be at the affiliate summit marketing conference in NYC Aug 21-23 . It’s been sold out for months. I bet she will be with greasy watching Taylor swift because dadsers nixed paying for Paris.

    • Might have to get together with some folks “inside the industry” and have to try to crash this one…

  16. There *must* be some alternative motivation (yoo hoo Jack McCain) or Julia Axelrod because the only things I’d cut short a trip to Paris would be 1) getting my own star on Hollywood Blvd 2) winning a nobel prize 3) giving the keynote at Oxford or 4) a date with Adrian Brody (but I’d make him take me to Paris)

  17. I laughed so I won but then I learned so I lost. Learning is losing but laughing is like losting.

  18. Damn! This browser wasn’t set to display my fabulous new name. I lost but still learned. About browsers.

  19. A trio of pear haiku, for your enjoyment: courtesy of the USApears website:http://blog.usapears.org/

    sweet, ripe and juicy
    you are the perfect breakfast,
    lunch, snack or dessert

    red yellow and green
    a delicious traffic light
    pears: taste the rainbow

    you have two best friends
    but you don’t tell wine or cheese
    with you, three’s company

  20. re: Top secret ‘brand’ and ‘industry’ panel. Didn’t someone in LA ask in comments is she could speak at an old folks’ assembly about ‘getting the olds on the internet’?

    Would that this were the case, it would be to laugh.

    • Why on earth would a “last minute” request to speak anywhere on any subject trump her already-booked trip to Paris? It’s not like the (alleged) gig would benefit her any more than all those other “keynotes” she gives (allegedly).

      If this is real, the invite must have come from a desperately horny (married) fuck buddy, or she just can’t resist the opportunity to thrust her tittays up against a bunch of founders/CEOs.

      • If she’s been invited at the last minute to speak to “brands and industry insiders” at a conference, she could totally do it via Skype from anywhere in the world and the conference organizers (as if there are any, but work with me here), can project her “talk” for the edification of the attendees. Technology, we haz it.
        I think it’s simple, Daddy said no. Maybe he “lends” her the money to manically circuit through her three pretend cities of relevance for this working bizness lady-in-demand fantasy she’s pulling off (careful with that Dadsers; heed the belt of young pancakes McCain), but this birthday trip is clearly not “work” and so he ain’t payin’. He would likely also point out to her that a young women racking up significant debt against the “fuck you money” she expects to be earning in the distant future can’t really afford to be spending any cash on such an extravagant pleasure trip.
        The conference is a totally fake ruse; the trip ain’t gonna happen.
        That’s my predonktion.

  21. And this is officially in my top 10 most disgusting Donkey quotes/requotes. She is on quite a roll lately.

    JuliaAllison: “I always said that I would love to be able to tell Mark Zuckerberg thank you for getting me through Cancer.” – @JennaBenn29

    • WTH, is this quote from somebody she follows, or does she have actually have an alert on Zuckerberg (along with her legion of stalking targets)?

    • I cannot fucking DEAL with her unabashed dick-sucking of the Suckerberg’s anymore. We get it you are friends with them. THey are evil and no one fucking CARES. I cannot WAIT til FB tanks and she drops Randy faster than she did Billow when she got an opportunity to speak at a pathetic conference no one cares about.

      • Maybe she found out that airline miles gifted to her by a married dude* aren’t transferable for international flights …

        JuliaAllison: I’m so close to @United Premier Executive status I CAN TASTE IT. 3,800 miles left!! Ahh! Why do I care so much!? I honestly have no clue.

        *My theory on how her raftass gets airborne so frequently.

  22. She stayed up all night again last night. Tweet at 3a that she & Christine were reading clients from hell, then a retweet of Megan McCain at 4a, then a series at 6a including a sunrise shot.

    Who is this Christine? I don’t understand why she’s been staying with ole Pear Shape… she seems to have a job that’s Chicago-based so why doesn’t she have her own stable? And why/how is she staying up that late too?

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