Julia Allison Wants You To Know That She May Or May Not Be Getting Some Deep Dicking From Some Dude I’ve Never Heard Of

Julia Allison, perfectly happy without a man, appears to have suctioned herself onto the jizz muscle of yet another man, days after proclaiming there was no peen in her life. But now, she’s “flexting,” which is an incredibly stupid way of saying she’s rubbing her ladymound while looking at her iPhone.

Apparently, the dude who wants to stir Julia’s honey pot is Dr. Andy Baldwin, who was on “The Bachelor,” a show I have never seen because I’m not lame.

@DrAndyBaldwin: @JuliaAllison have you figured it out yet?

@JuliaAllison: @DrAndyBaldwin – Ha, definitely not!! And you?

@DrAndyBaldwin: @JuliaAllison working on it. taking my cues from you

@JuliaAllison: Is there anything more digitally fun than textual flirting on a warm summer day – flexting, as it were? No. No, there is not.

@DrAndyBaldwin: @JuliaAllison flexting you

@DrAndyBaldwin: @JuliaAllison i’ll answer you if you follow me back

You hear that Jack McCain! FUCK YOU! Julia is getting an injection from a doctor. She put it on the internet so it must be true!

132 COMMENTS

  1. She’s absolutely obsessed with male attention because she can’t deal with herself in any real way. Step away from the damn phone, stop broadcasting your life online and fucking, oh I don’t know, maybe find a fucking place to live? I can’t anymore.

    She’s like the epitome of never finding anyone because you are so desperately looking. As a dater I look to her as exactly what not to do.

      • BWAH!!!!!!!!!!!! ZOMG!!!!!!!!!! I fucking guffawed when I opened that site. They are perfect for each other. That website looks like a parody. I might link it on my FB page just to make people laugh. What a fucking tool.

        • I’m telling you people, he is her match in every single way except the plastic surgery (or maybe even that!).

          • Match made in heaven indeed. We’ve long surmised that Donkey’s only pleasure in sex is thinking about how sexy she must be having sex, and I imagine he is the same way.

            My NPD ex used to be really into staring at his own dick in the process of penetration. Andy Dickless up there looks like he would be that kind of guy.

            I would almost bet on him being a PE’er, or damn near it, and her taking it as a ‘compliment.’

            A perfect sex life for both!

    • Google Andrew Baldwin wiki — he looks good on paper, but WTF w/ diddling a donkey? Eww. And too bad so sad about his apparent lack of man meat, but I suppose Donkey is happy that cock-less up there doesn’t have the goods to send her an icky photo of.

        • Ah, the old using to make yoo-hoo Pancakes jellis trick
          1) in San Diego
          2) Navy diver
          3) handsomer than shorty mcshortcakes
          4) I’ll bet he has no problems “studying” (he’s a doctor AND in the Navy AND a triathlete, top that McCains)
          5) works with Obamas (ie not republican)

          So calculated. Sooooo Julia.

          • He’s also a “media personality” and seems to have an even bigger ego than Julia. I really think this is a match made in heaven. This show I would watch.

          • lol – the Giuliana (sp?) and Bill Rancid of social media

            I’d tots watch that too. I can’t even imagine – they’d fight as to who gets credit for whatever PR stunt was pulled

            Miss Julia Allison: “Oh, remember the time I ran a triathalon, with my dog Lilly?” (looks around for Lily; Personal Assistant Megan Lasagna whispers that Lilly is “safe” in Chicago. Obvious relief floods Julia’s face and Lasagna goes back to discretely hiding a sippy cup so that Julia doesn’t ruin her lipstick).
            Dr. Andy Baldwin, “No honey, that was me.”
            Miss Julia Allison: (frowns and furrows brow) “Oh, remember the time I wore a Betsy Johnson cupcake dress and twirled around Fashion Week and then sang a lip dub on the streets of New York City? Just like Carrie Bradshaw!”
            Dr. Adny Baldwin (looks indulgently amused then clearly remembers the conversation is not about him), “I am a humanitarian.”
            Miss Julia Allison, “Oh, so am I! See, I support our Troops! I even Facebook’d my ex, you know, Jack McCain of the Cindy and John and Meghan (my other BFF) McCains, Navy PILOT, to stay in the air and not get shot down with 30 of his mates!”
            Dr. Andy Baldwin (slow tear trickles in a perfectly straight line from gorgeous blue eyes), “Yes, that was very big of you, Julia. I love you, Julia. Will you accept my rose, Julia?”
            [general confusion, sound & lighting crew flipping through scripts to see what sound stage for which show they’re on]
            Miss Julia Allison (texting from her phone), “Wait, OMG, can you say that again? I want to post my BFF Randi Zuckerberg and post this to my Vimeo, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Friendfeed… ” (fingers move furiously, while right arm is angled awkwardly out and face turned to the left)
            Dr. Andy Baldwin, “Do you think Facebook sponsors famous weddings?”

        • Yes, the website. Insane. So many giant photos of his head. I can see every pore. Just stop.

  2. I’m sure this is a showmance. These reality ho’s always move from one show to another. Next she’ll be banging Slade.

  3. It’s probs some lame ass set up thing for omg bravo pilot. See Advice columnist Julia Allison digitally fetch a doctor, wackiness happens. These reality fame whores all run the same circuit.

    • They do run in the same circles which is why as mentioned in previous comments he dated that loose girl Trishelle from Real World. Donks has wanted in on the reality circles for years which is why she auditioned (by audition I mean harass the crap out of the producers) for The Bachelor but was rejected.

      • I’ve heard that she harassed people on Gossip Girl but harassing people on the Bachelor is new to me — backstory, please? Thanks.

      • Im convinced that none of their interaction/relationship is real and it’s merely a staged scenario for julias pilot. These reality shows have gotten so meta, characters popping up in different iterations and combinations, cross breeding…

    • Actually, he’s a fucking eyesore, and it’s only the very poor quality of anything she dates that makes him look halfway decent by comparison.

  4. Its funny, my daughter had me following him on twitter before this came out. He deleted any tweets to her immediately. I honestly don’t see this working as he has just as bad of a case of NPD as she does. He has this Officer and a Gentleman persona that he likes to keep going and really comes off as fake to me. Donkey has seen that movie 1000 times so it’s not a surprise that she is twitterpated with him. I do not see him getting over himself or Donks over herself long enough for them to have a relationship in the same room.

  5. Dude prolly got the word through the reality grapevine that she’s might show up on TeeVee and thus provide another opportunity for him. In which case, I say, pop up some corn, uncork a few brewskies and pull up your fav recliner. This could be good!

    • You are right as he has been on extreme make over home edition in 2007 and on Top Chef DC in 2010. He seems to love to see himself on TV

      • So does Donkey! At least they’ll have something to talk about on their totally fake date.

    • This is exactly it. She’s only on his radar because he wants to be on teevee and she is allegedly going a teevee show where she’ll be dating. This is a plant.

    • Sadly, I think I know this one. Her twitter bio reads “Just trying to figure it all out.”

      I guess that’s how you flirt-tweet? Flext? I don’t know.

  6. This guy is gayer than the floor drain in Kevin Spacey’s shower.

  7. Ugh, this dude. His final pick on the Bachelor was actually a really lovely woman who somehow wandered into that insanity. But he’s been fameho’ing it up ever since they split.

    • Agreed. I was at a wedding a couple years back w the “winner” (loser?) of his season. it took a couple of days to figure out why we all recgonized her and once we did she seemed to disappear from the reception (she was the date of a guest). seems to be one of the few alums of that show who’s normal and embarassed by their participation in such a train wreck. (especially the morning after bachelor pad airs).

  8. I put all my money on this situation being a one-night stand. Julia, of course, will not see it that way. She’ll add him to her spreadsheet of exes, and spend the following two weeks on an emotional bender.

  9. Dr. Andy Baldwin was a fixture in DC for a while. Sort of dated DC’s version of Julia Allison (Katherine Kennedy) for a bit I think – they were both involved in some reality show called “Blonde Charity Mafia” that aired on MTV New Zealand.(http://askmissa.com/2010/02/26/blonde-charity-mafia-episode-2-where-is-miss-a-when-you-need-her/) He did the “man about town” thing and befriended every social woman around. I remember my boss coming into my office and asking if I knew who he was because she’d just been friended randomly by him on Facebook. I then got friended later that day. I think he just looked for ways to flatter famous-for-DC types in order to get into their good graces and become higher profile.

    Then he left to move to – you guessed it! – San Diego! He now tweets about how many lives he’s saved this week or how many marathons he’s run. That sort of thing.

    • HA Katherine Kennedy — that girl is a big barrel of trainwrecky fun. Did you ever watch any of the Blonde Charity Mafia episodes? You know something is shitty when LIFETIME passes. Such fun.

  10. I didn’t know anything about this dude but after perusing his facebook I have determined that he is the male Julia. Was this a General Hospital-themed fauxtoshoot?

    [img]http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/31090_391153146703_35781011703_4153971_1697458_n.jpg[/img]

      • I’m telling you his website had me fucking cackling at my desk, just the pictures, I didn’t even get into the narrative! “Humanitarian. Hearththrob. Triathlete. Donkey-fucker.”

      • Yeah, at least for the five docs I’ve worked for, they’d have their entire name, followed by M.D. or D.O. Usually a linen service picks up / delivers all of a practice’s laundry, they don’t take those things home (unless they’re the kind that wear ’em to the grocery store to show off, & that is one way you spot a doc w/ a serious ego prob).

  11. OMG he could not be more perfect for her. This guy is a total tool. A good friend’s best friend dated him and he slept with her and never called her again.

  12. Hahaha I love this guy for her. Y’all all go look at his wikipedia right now. He’s like a character from SNL or something. I can’t wait to see Julia start feigning a sudden passion for combating childhood obesity, delivering babies and Ironman triathalons.

  13. This is really crude as I only have the little paint app that was included with my computer. But … couldn’t resist. Cuntbunnies, no contest! 🙂

    [IMG]http://i52.tinypic.com/id6u11.jpg[/IMG]

  14. As big of a d bag as this guy is, he’s still way, way, way, way more accomplished than Julia, and better looking.

    And come on, he dates girls like this: Lokelani McMichael, pro surfer and model.

    Poor, schlubby, chunky donkey just isn’t good enough even for this asshole.

    • Yeah, he seems like a super cheeseball famewhore, but it does take more smarts and dedication than Julie has to complete medical school, join the Navy and compete in triathalons. As bad as it sounds, he is to good for her.

      • Ugh, whatever, there is nothing worse than this kinda douchenozzle. Also dating models is overrated. Wow they are tall and skinny! Snooze. I’ve heard they are almost invariably bad in bed.

  15. See, now two pathological narcissists trying to datewould make for an interesting reality show – at least for half a season.

    If she wasn’t so supremely unlikable and unwatchable, I would watch that show, at least once before it was canceled for being unwatchable.

    • It would be a somewhat entertaining show if they made it one of those ‘informative’ shows where they have doctors and psychiatrists cut in and describe the nature of the bizarre behavior. Like that ‘100 Ways to Die’ show, or ‘I Barely Survived!’

      Entitle it “We Never the Donkeys” or “Keeping Up With the Narcissists.”

      • omg i knew we were the same person – those are too of my favorite guilty pleasures (I’ve only seen a few episodes but the commentary rocks)

    • That’s what I’m saying! It would be hilarious to see how they feign being in love while shooting daggers at each other when either one got a better publicity gig.

      • that’s what I said above too – we’re all winning in #donkology today

        I’m not as good as RRR’s stories…

  16. OT, but new Social Studies column up, and it’s as bad as it ever was! It’s 700 words of complaints (e.g., “Old-school techniques of setting up actual meeting times (times you have to stick to, ugh!) with actual landmarks like, “I’ll meet you by the left side of the Bud Light stage near the big tree around the corner from the rock at 10:35 a.m. sharp!” were common. And still people got lost!”). Jeez, lady!

    • Yeah, like THIS is believable!

      DEAR JULIA: I attended Chicago’s Lollapalooza summer music festival for the first time this past weekend. I heard you went and I’d love to know what you thought of how the organizers used social media. …

      TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES IS A FREAKIN’ JOKE!

      • Oh, my fucking GAWD. This cannot be real. I cannot even read this right now. I cannot even deal with this much bullshittery and utter verbal garbage.

      • Wow, what a coincidence that some despairing “reader” happened to attend Lollapalooza and had a question about how the organizers used social media — because hey! “Social media expert” Julia Allison was there and she has not only some stories about it, but some “thoughts” as well! And… AND she the people she talked to were in the VIP section, which means she was too!

    • So in this hyperconnected, share-happy, tweeting, texting, Facebook-status updating world, what happens when you’re disconnected from your cell for the weekend?

      A warmer, happier, more present gathering? Um, no.

      Isn’t this a woman who has tried to jump on board for Burning Man for several years now? One more reason why she would leave after the first half day.

      • Wow. So sorry, so fat. I didn’t realize she mentioned the Burn in her article, since I stopped reading after the first few lines.

        I guess I should explain that the REASON people go to the desert is to get the fuck AWAY from social media/the real world. Being disconnected and in the moment is kind of the point.

        Although there is some VERY LIMITED wifi available out there (they livestream the event from a few tower based cameras, for one thing), it is not something people are encouraged to do.

        One year a dude I knew spent a good part of the burn holed up in his air-conditioned RV chatting to people back home using whatever wireless he had managed to bring with or tap into. It was truly sad, as all he did was tell everyone what an awesome time he was having. WTF?

        People would probably be livid and quit going if texting/social media opened up out there (Which I figure will happen at some point, with the Manifest Destiny of cell companies. I keep waiting for a Verizon ‘Can you hear me now?’ commercial from a guy covered in dust and surrounded by drugged out ravers.)
        There are already a lot of people who are constantly telling others ‘Put the camera/cell cam/video cam away and live in the now.’

        Blah.

      • Sad.com that she was too involved in Peltapalooza to, you know, do any poking around. “In an effort to raise awareness [that their van and gear had been stolen after playing their Lollapalooza set], the band took to Twitter and asked people take the list of items to local pawn and music shops. For a while Monday morning, the band was a trending topic on the social networking site. That it took a robbery to make them a top Twitter item was a source of much-needed humor …” (http://www.oregonlive.com/music/index.ssf/2011/08/john_gourley_talks_about_what.html)

      • So she basically made up this question because she had an ax to grind with the Lolla organizers because she was unable to fuck around on her phone the whole time instead had to listen to the bands and have fun.

        • Yeah, the supposed quotes of a woman dropping the F-bomb was tell-tale … you know Donkey was pawing the ground & making a profane stink of lack of connectivity during the music fest… little bitch that she is, she still can’t let it go, & so the profanity continued right into the column.

          It doesn’t offend my ears (FFS, that’s obvs, no?) but the whole article would offend my intellect were I reading that BS tripe in my newspaper, w/ the profanity just being indicative of the overall low quality of content.

    • How is it possible that her father is more attuned to the festival atmosphere than Donkey?

      “My 62-year-old father rolled his eyes at our digital despair. “If you came here to do texting, you’re at the wrong event!”
      But are you?
      ‘What people really want to do is tweet and post photos,’ said Ian, 32, an art professor from Portland, Ore.”

      No. What people really want to do is listen to some music, drink some beers, smoke some pot, and hang out with friends. I truthfully feel sorry for her; she really doesn’t know how have a good time.

      • How is it possible that her father is more attuned to the festival atmosphere than Donkey?

        The experience was nothing like the concerts I went to when in college decades ago (before you were born)!DAD$ER A Radiohead

        I just bray…

        • Also, would someone who attended festivals before Donk was born really use the name “A Radiohead?” That’s probably what Donk thinks the name of the band is…either that or The Radioheads.

      • He was born in, what, 1949? So he was prime festival-going age during the premier festival years of the late 60s and early 70s.

        I mean, yeah, he probably missed it because he was a College Republican, but still.

      • First, I think the art professor was yanking her chain.

        Second, Radiohead is from the 80’s. Dad$sers and I grew up with Woodstock, maaaannnnn! He was no doubt too straight and uptight to notice but the rest of us invented rocking out on the grass. Pun intended.

        Of course Julia is too culturally ignorant to know that or to ask her parents where they were that weekend.

    • Articles like this is why TMS is supposedly looking to drop her. It’s all drivel. It is clear that she wrote the question. Her grammar sucks. Her points suck. She is so boring. Who the hell gives a shit about social media or technology there? If I’m at a concert, I don’t care about other friends’ status updates.

    • If you set up a meeting time via ‘old school’ methods or google+ it’s not going to make it easier to find someone in a crowd of 30 000 people.

      If I’m waiting for someone at a pre-arranged spot and I get a notification from someone going “Running late can we meet in 2 hours LOL” I’m not going to reply “Sure thing!” I’m going to reply “Going to watch Muse. I’ll be the dude enjoying myself.”,

      • UGH. As IF she has any clue who Radiohead even is. Step OFF bitch.

        One of my very first tumblr posts was in response to [redacted] posting that Julie had never heard of Radiohead. I was like seriously???!! How could anyone her age NOT know Radiohead? GOD. The brayge. IT BURNS.

        *someone be a sweetie and fetch mommy her vicodin. I gots to calm mah nerves.*

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