Pancakes Moves On, Despite Upcoming Deployment to Guam Which Makes It Impossible For Him To Have A Relationship And That Is Obviously The Only Reason Why He Dumped Julie Albertson


From our comments:

WondurrWoman says:

So I went to high school with Pancakes (well, he went to an all boys school and I went to the sister school) and he just popped up on my Facebook feed as “in a relationship” with one of my former classmates. That didn’t take long.

Oh. Dear. How can this possibly be?? He and Julia love each other! She moved in with him! For five whole days before she dumped her dog on him for weeks! They were living together! She shipped her clothes there and redirected her magazines there because it was important they arrived in San Diego in the five short days they lived together! They only broke up because he’s moving to Guam and therefore cannot possibly be in a relationship with anyone! No one! Including no sane women with real hair who don’t blog and Tweet the shit out of their relationship! It’s just not possible! There must be some mistake! HE IS DEPLOYING TO GUAM SOON!!!!

Shhhhhh. Does anyone hear that sound? The sound of a screeching wounded donkey, braying angrily across a continent? Don’t be afraid! She’s been dumped before; she’ll be dumped again, and the cacophony will eventually cease and settle into a menacing silence. But watch out, McCains, and whatever you do, make sure she never, ever knows the identity of the new girlfriend.

It’ll start with a friendly Facebook message. “Hi! I am really happy for you and Jack! I really love Jack, and I want him to be happy. And you’re so tiny and cute! Congratulations! I bet we could be great friends! We obviously both have great taste in men!”

Then we’ll move into this: “Hi! You never messaged me back, which is …. well, sort of rude, to be frank … but that’s OK! LOL! I meant to reiterate, I am really happy for Jack. I really love him! And he loves me too, but I guess you already know that! His awesome family really loves me too! I am besties with his sister, but I guess you already know that too. Hope you guys are super-happy!”

To this: “Hey girl! So you still haven’t replied to my messages! Weird! Hahah. But anyway. Did you know I was in San Diego recently? I was. And, well, you might want to ask your supposed boyfriend if there’s been any overlap. He loves me, you know. We lived together! Are you living together? Didn’t think so. Hahaha! Have a nice day!”

And immediately after she’s fucked with the new girlfriend, there will be a series of “SO HAPPY!” Tweets and long blog postings about how she’s grown as a person, and is aware of her core values. She will also ask: “Is it just me? But I am always so happy for my exes when they move on to find love with someone else. So happy for them, and so proud!” 


  1. Oh, FlapJack …

  2. This post was worth staring at melty wonder woman for two days.


  3. Don’t be silly. She will wait until they are engaged to start harassing her. Then she will start sending her messages about how deeply they were in love… all 5 days they were together.

    • I wonder if she’ll start harrassing Megatits on Twitter again. OMG guuurrlfraaand, you are ineffiably tiny and cute today! So proud of you for being born into a rich, politically connected family! Look, Jack’s new girlfriend, I’m still bffs with his sister! I won’t go away that easily! I hope you don’t have a bunny rabbit, because I will boil it, as I will not be ignored!

  4. This post is goddamn brilliant. Eerily spot on, to the point it is uncomfortably hilarious.

  5. Also I’d love to comment on her willingness to play along with the whole icing game but you’ve gotta wonder how uncomfortable that scene was for everyone around her – “Dude, that guy just iced his mom!”

    • It looks so forced, like she posed it and made someone do it and some other schmuck snap the pic so that it looks spontaneous and FUN!

      • Agreed…maybe I’m prematurely sorry and fat, but I see no liquid in that bottle. And, in very off chance that she was able to chug a bottle of Smirnoff Ice (with OMGSUGARALCOHOLNEVARDRINK, no less), then you’d think, like any sane person, she’d be pulling that bottle away from her mouth and recoiling in horror like any sane person would after chugging a Smirnoff Ice.

        • Looks to me like the bottle is pressed against her biggo chiclets, keeping any liquid from entering her biggo maw.

  6. Jacy, you’ve captured most of what it is to be Donkey in this post. The only thing preventing her from working towards the goal in the future of acting exactly as you describe is the fact that she has already read this post.

    That’s the Hee-Hawsenberg Uncertainty Principle: (uncertainty in how Donkey will act in the future) * (uncertainty in public predictions of how Donkey will act) >= (the Donk Constant) / (4 pies or other glutinous treats Donkey will consume)

  7. Oh, man! I wish the informant could tell us if the stalkee-to-be’s initials are CC. If so: hahahahahah! Good luck with that, Donkenstein.

  8. OT
    Oh, Dear. OMGRandi is quoted in a piece up now on the Huffington Post about cyberbullying; “People behave a lot better when they have their real names down.

    • Jammalamma Alzheimer’s Badassery Tweeted about that; there was a brief discussion about it somewhere in the 300s of the WonderDonkey post.

      Having a version of her real name attached to her web presence certainly hasn’t kept Jubilation Aardvark Bariumenema from acting like a bully, so.

      • I don’t recall this always pleasant and polite society that Randi and Julia believe we had prior to the year 200-whatever when facebook came out. I get that cyberbullying is a big thing and I thank god the interwebs weren’t invented yet when I was in middle school, but it’s not like everyone was incredibly well-behaved at any point in history, ever. Anonymity is good and bad, like anything else. It’s also easier to avoid nastiness online if you don’t post your entire, ridiculous, vomitty pink life online, beg people to notice and then cry when they do (because it’s not the reaction you thought you *deserved*).

        • Applause.

          The irony of JABberwocky complaining about incivility when both her liecast and her joke of a column are just high-tech slambooks…

          I wonder when the first slambook was? I know that there is a temple stela in Egypt that is full of trash-talk about the priests in the neighboring temple, so it goes back at least that far!

  9. I just want to claim this commenter name for myself… I’m staking my claim, bitches.

  10. This post is chuck full of new name ideas.

    I wonder if it doesn’t work out with Jack McCain’s new (surely hotter, smarter, prettier and tinier) girlfriend, if she’ll have to LITERALLY HAVE MANIC ASS DRIVEN TO THE AIRPORT AND PUT ON A FUCKING PLANE to get her out of their lives.

    Sorry, Julia. Jack just liked fucking you, which is a horrifying thought considering you apparently have green skin tags all over your bald, lasered, fat vagina.

    • The thought that he fucked a donkey should be enough to give the new gf pause.

  11. I think I love you
    So what am I so afraid of?
    I’m afraid that I’m not sure of
    A love there is no cure for

  12. God, she’s having “brunch” at the ACE Hotel with Lasagna. It’s LUNCH, you complete asshole.

    • I don’t know how it works in NYC, but down here brunch is something that happens on weekends. If you *can* brunch on a weekday that’s a major sign you need to GET AN EFFING JOB.

  13. This post was absolutely perfect. I can totally picture that all going down.

    So donkey is not friends on fb with Pancakes but remains friends with Megatits and Jimmy? She obviously couldn’t have believed he left the door open if he couldn’t have been one of her thousand friends.

    Also, I kind of love that she believes their love ended because of timing and he is already in a new relationship. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was seeing this girl during donkey since they never even hung out in their short courtship.

    • Donk and Pancakes are still friends on FB. I wonder whether she’s seen his update yet.

      • Oh really! I am not friends with donkey but I can see her friends list, it didn’t come up on my computer.

        • He doesn’t come up on hers which is weird but she comes up on his so maybe FB is acting up. His comment is still on her wall from 2 weeks ago or whenever. So they are still friends.

          • I’ve ‘liked’ a page specifically to leave a comment, then ‘unliked’ it, & the comment remained, so I wonder if he has her blocked …

            Also, if I am remembering correctly, there was discussion here at one time that ‘in a relationship’ shows on both parties pages, but I’ve just recently seen on friends pages where that is not the case.

          • Brayella, there are actually two settings that concern the Relationship Status: one is whether it is set (under Profile Settings), and the other is whom it is displayed to (under Privacy Settings.). I, for example, could say that you and I were In A Relationship, and you would get a confirm message asking if you were, in fact, In A Relationship with me. My status will not update unless you accept it.

            However, if you accept it and your RS is set to only display to Friends, no one who is not your friend will be able to SEE the change on your profile. (Likewise if you have it set so only Friends of Friends, or Networks, can see it.) Standard operating procedure seems to be that women display their committed status more often than men. Men are accepting their girlfriends’ profile settings, but not revealing them.

  14. Totally OT, but I just finished a 14 day juice detox and it was the best thing ever. I did it myself and consulted my doc who said it was ok as long as I drank FIVE 20 oz juices each day. I made all my juices at home using fresh and local produce and was never once light headed nauseous or hungry. I just felt really energized. Two weeks later and my skin has completely cleared up (post travel grossness) ibam sleeping better and running further and faster than ever!

    I was quite hesitant to do this due to donks insane cleanses but its been quite amazing and I’ve totally converted ( in the sense that I will now incorporate home made juice as snacks as a part of a healthy diet) I did drop a few pounds but this wasn’t my primary goal I just wanted to detox.

    Anyway wanted to offer a positive perspective on juicing. I did miss the ACT of chewing lol, but that was more habit than anything. Anyway, just wanted to be servicey!

    • What brand of juicer did you use? My catlady has been wanting a juicer for a while, but it’s hard to sort out the good ones from the crappy ones.

      • Some of those recipes sound good!!! 2 of my 3 kittehs eat like shit. No matter how many carrots or celery or funny-faced food things I make, veggies don’t want to pass their lips. I do make them smoothies for breakfast (as a drink), along w/ their bagel or cereal or bacon, etc. I sneak in flax seed and wheat germ along w/ strawberries, yogurt, bananas and such but Ima gonna’ try and get some broccoli and kale into them this way.

      • Speaking only for myself: I’ve never, ever given up eating solid food (I eat meat & beans / legumes for protein), but I do love fruits & veggies, & when they’re juiced, more nutrients are assimilated. Sometimes it just comes down to logistics — it takes less time to make & consume a biggo glass of juice or a smoothie than it would to eat piecemeal everything that goes into it, & when you’re going somewhere that you can’t haul food & be eating it, it’s what works (for me, anyway).

        • totally agree re: logistics. it’s like my multi vitamin. it’s also pretty cost-effective, especially when compared to juice delivery services and fancy juice bars (which are usually full of people i want to hip check, anyway).

          okay, now i have to run to the market to buy fruit b/c i’m jonesing. i did an awesome peach/blueberry/strawberry/lemon/grapefruit/celery/kale/carrot that i’d like to replicate… the acidity of the citrus balances so well with the sweet berries. mmmmmmburp*

          *because i’m a lady.

        • this notion that “when they’re juiced, more nutrients are assimilated” is a complete and total lie

          have an eating disorder and own it but it’s the opposite of science

          • You’re entitled to your opinions, and I agree that there’s no hard science backing up the benefits of juicing (I tried it out of curiosity to see if I’d feel better after, and surprisingly I did, which is why I’ve done it on average once a year since then) but going on a juice cleanse every once in a while does NOT equal an eating disorder. Desperately chugging green juice in an attempt to fit into a bridesmaid dress and then binging on cake as soon as it’s over, well, that could indicate a problem.

            Please don’t accuse people you don’t know of having potentially serious mental illnesses.

          • @MDS

            ‘More nutrients are assimilated’ was told to me by a registered dietician following testing for malabsorption / leaky gut syndrome / blood-brain barrier issues — I guess I’m just gonna roll w/ that until told differently by someone w/ higher credentials, as opposed to anything read or said by unknowns online.

            I don’t have an eating disorder. Do you equate *liking* juices & smoothies w/ doing cleanses? Because you might want to go back & re-read what I wrote — or just go fuck yourself w/ your Krispy Kremes, it makes no matter to me.

          • in my own experience, i (believe) I get a shit ton of nutrients by drinking juice in addition to the rest of my diet. i don’t know how/when/inwhatform they are assimilated, but it’s got to be better than if i didn’t assimilate them at all, no? for me, convenience is key –> i throw roughly (ha) ten fruits and veggies into the juicer per session and it’s easier than buying the components of a salad or stir fry. but this is just my experience and i in no way shape or form condone juice cleanses to the extent of eliminating other shit from your diet. i don’t want to sound juice nazi-ish, i just think that it’s possible to incorporate juicing in a healthy non eating disordered way. i also laugh at stupid girls like julie and mare mare beach hair that pay out the ass for pre-made juices that over a few days cost more than the super sick juicer that i own. it’s ridiculous to be all healthy and “raw” and not even take the effort to put it through a juicer/blender yourself — how do you even KNOW that the fruits and veggies you’re drinking are organic or even washed??? … even gwenyth paltrow makes her own juice, and i hold her as the utmost twat of the twatty twat juice set. just sayin. love ya’ll. and if you live in or near brooklyn i can make some juice for you 🙂

            end not ranty rant. b/c i’m chillin with some wine. which is also juice 🙂

      • Apparently the logic is that you would not actually eat the vegetables themselves (too bulky, takes up room in your stomach) and so the juicer sucks out all the nutritious stuff in a more compact form. I have done Blueprint Cleanse before and like it, but I don’t consider it a weight loss strategy. It’s more like “OHAI I’ve been eating burgers and drinking PBR so let’s hit the reset button for a few days and teach my body a bit about healthiness.”

        Cleanses are way too expensive for my budget though, so I’ve considered getting a juicer. I was warned against it, though, because apparently it’s VERY difficult to clean some of the components, and I don’t have a dishwasher 🙁

        • Agreed not a weight loss strategy. I can’t see myself doing it more than once a year, but giving my system a chance to reset after being on the road for a few weeks has been wonderful.

          I do not have an eating disorder, and firmly believe in a balanced diet with everything in moderation. I was actually only going to to five days but saw such benefits in terms of my skin and energy levels that I did it for a few days more. I just felt gross after a month on the road non stop.

          Now it’s just a tasty snack!

        • Your system does not need to be reset, that’s just PR talk from the cleanse crowd. All you have to do is start eating healthy, no reset needed. There’s nothing wrong with adding juice to your diet though, it’s the idea that it cleanses the body in any way that’s false.

          • Yep. There’s no such thing as “detox” because your body doesn’t store toxins (except toxins like heavy metals, which are stored in the liver, and juice does fuck-all to address that).

            If people like drinking juice and pooping a lot and it makes them happy, whatever—it’s a free country and have at it. It’s just not some kind of “detox” magic.

        • you don’t need a dish washer (i don’t have one). the juicer i linked in a reply above is cleaned by hand with hot water and comes with a small brush to scrub the basket component that retains the most of the fruit/veggie fiber. as long as you can clean it after each use, you’ll be fine. yes, it’s annoying, but i made a habit of cleaning it immediately after juicing, and it’s totally easy and takes about five minutes.

      • juicing removes the bulk, and all the micronutrients that go with it

        it is the opposite of healthy

        it is eating disordered (squared)

    • I don’t think she’s writing them anymore. That seems (apart from the grudginess) like a reasonably competent service piece.

      • The past two have been relatively well written, but the concept is so god damn stupid. I pick an airline because a) cheap, b) fits my schedule and c) tends to stay up in the air. I don’t give a flying fuck what United is doing on Twitter and it doesn’t factor into my buying decision.

        • Oh, agree. I just wonder if TMS has decided to just get rough notes from her and have some drone turn them into a competent column (perhaps after her deadline-fluffing disaster?) And that that may be why they’re running the columns in the real Tribune now?

          That makes more sense than A Donkey actually writing literate prose on deadline.

        • Agreed 100%. An airline could have the wittiest twitter feed on the planet and if the other guy will give me a ticket for ten bucks less, they’ve got my business. She’s fucking retarded.

          Some higher-up probably read the first ten columns and assigned her a copy editor.

          • Copy editors couldn’t fix the horror that is Joolzballz’s writing. They gave her a rewrite person, I’m sure of it.

          • I say this having been both a copy editor and a rewrite person (back in the days when newspapers still had lots of jerbs for sad sad English majors).

    • Guys, I’m not very good with grammar does this line make any sense to you?

      “Of course, like all airlines, the @United account often used as a 140-character punching bag during high-stress travel.”

  15. well, given this news and her posted travel schedule (that she’s remarkably adhering to), i bet she’ll be getting pretty Greasy tonight …

  16. “Skulking through Times Square in a bright pink tee headed to lunch w my college girl friend @KristinThorne. Talking ab being roomies in NYC!”

    skulking? in a bright pink tee?

    the dumb. it still burns.

    • Ugh! Kristin Fucking Thorne, the most loathed American Studies major at GU and nearly as narcissistic as her idiot friend Julie. Take a gander at Kristin’s website poses, kind of like a brunette Monroe and with the makeup troweled on. She’s really tarted it up since those Georgetown days. Julie Albertson–always a bad influence.

      • sounds like a winner:
        It’s amazing how sowing [sic] a button onto a shirt can make you feel so domesticated.

      • The make up coupled with the copious airbrushing makes for one lifeless looking face.

    • Bahahahahaha the thought of her going to Times Square to mope (about Pancakes?) surrounded by fat tourists and the people who try to rip them off is so delicious.

  17. This is dee-lightful. Greasy! Look alive, kid! This is your chance to go caving in the clam trap like never before.

    Unrelated: one of the summer interns here in my basement has been on the Blue Poop Clench for about three weeks now and though she is a perfectly nice girl, I just kant now due to the JA associations. It takes all my immense willpower to look her in the eye and not run away hee-hawing.

    • I get a sphincter jolt when I see that BPC delivery van. Even if I were to consider a cleanse (which I wouldn’t) I’d NEVER use their poop juice.

      I wonder if they have any idea how much damage JA has done to their brand.

  18. What’s with her stupid tweet about not knowing where to move in a few months (LA, SF, or back to NYC)? I find it tough to believe that she really doesn’t need a job to move anywhere. Why does she keep bringing this up? When she has conversations with “friends” who live in these cities AND HAVE JOBS, don’t they laugh in her face?

    • Oh, and didn’t she just sign the biggest contract of her life or something? One would assume that was tied to a committment in some way?

      • Not if she signed for another stupid pilot that won’t go anywhere like all the rest that she’s signed for and seen crash burn due to her insufferable onscreen presence.

  19. I bet she doesn’t find out until she reads this blog cause you can set your security settings to hide it. P.S. WondurrWoman – super cute name second.

  20. Annnnnddddd here it is (from the sideways scolling blergh):
    “… I also had a wonderful conversation with my friend Jack tonight. (You remember Jack, right? LOL) I realized a few weeks ago that on any average day, I speak to or text at least three or four of my exes – and sometimes more! Isn’t that a wonderful, fuzzy feeling? That even if they’re far away or your lives move in different directions, you can still care about one another enough to stay in touch, to offer wisdom and advice, to laugh together about an old inside joke or just to say “I’m thinking about you.”…”

    • LIKE CLOCKWORK. and so name-droppy! more greasy dates hang-out sessions. another wedding! jack thinks about ME! haterz gonna hate!

      well done julesie well done.

    • And there it is. The set up to play out exactly the scenario of this post. It really is lather, rinse, repeat with her, isn’t it?

  21. Where is the press release for Jack getting a new girlfriend? Isn’t that how it happens with him?

    Oh, no one cared to alert the media… you mean that was all Joolier’s doing? Color me shocked.

    Also, since the magic tasting is over, I might need a new name. sadcheeks.

  22. I have to commend the author. That was a great synopsis. Monsters gonna be monsters! I feel like I know a few of these and always feel like they’re the Courtney Love’s who just never found the money.

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