Unsubstantiated rumor time!
Which devastatingly handsome blogger is not at all surprised that recent wild speculation on his part has turned out to be entirely true, according to multiple sources? It appears that a certain social media columnist for Tribune Media Services is using her column to not so subtly imply that a certain Senator’s son has more in common with his father than a military career. Of course, when it comes to this columnist, who believes settling scores trumps having an ounce of journalistic integrity, things are not always as they seem.
Anyone who has read said columnist’s deceptive bio knows by now that the amount of bullshit one has to sift through to determine the absolute truth is staggering. But a truth exists, and it is exactly as one would speculate. Turns out that while a certain columnist was shipping fluffy, boner-killing frocks halfway across the United States and submitting changes of address for all her wedding magazine subscriptions and braying on and on about the difficulties of being a military spouse, a certain Naval Academy-trained helicopter pilot was, like, “Dude, what the fuck? I’ve seen you in person, like, what? Five times? And each time your face has changed. Chill out, brah!”
This account, of course, completely contradicts the sob story that said columnist, who may not be able to accurately use the title “columnist” in her bio much longer, leaked to the press. You know, the one about how the relationship faced insurmountable odds, those impossible odds being that, despite lacking things like an actual job or responsibilities that tie her to a specific city, our columnist was incapable of moving to Guam, most likely because OBO-ing offers are few and far between in the South Pacific. Turns out Guam may have not been an option, because our helicopter pilot was under the impression that he was allowed to have multiple options. This of course, was not cheating, as a certain columnist is trying to imply. Rather, the relationship never reached the point where exclusivity was officially declared.
Meanwhile, according to various confirmed sources, a certain pill-popping, impeccably dressed mother wasn’t too keen on the fact that her son’s gold-digging “girlfriend” (termed used loosely) was taking to Twitter to ingratiate herself into the well-known family. Turns out that a certain book about the harsh realities military spouses face was indeed a not-so-subtle hint that someone really should back the fuck off. Someone needs to take a heaping dose of shut-the-fuck-up soon. She’s never played ball in this court before, and she doesn’t know what she’s getting into.