A Humble-Brag Stuffed With Stupidity

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Planning a trip at the end of August to France with girl friends (for @FloreatMagdalen‘s 30th bday) – anything we should definitely do?

Warning: profanity-laced rant ahead.

Is she aware that France is a big country with several very different regions? That only a really stupid person would ask this question? And here’s a stupid answer back: Hey, tool. Eat cheese, baguette and pastries until you almost explode and then walk around a lot. Go to museums. There are lots of them, can you imagine! Drink absinthe in a genuine absinthe bar. Guzzle wine. Get laid by a French man. Warning: They are not big on deodorant and you know what? Real chicks don’t mind a manly-smelling man. Oh dear — that rules you out.

Jesus. If she’s in the south of France, for fuck’s sake, then she should go to the beach and go do Van Gogh stuff in Arles or do the perfume factory in Grasse and check out Cannes, Nice, Monaco, whatever. She should visit a stinking olive grove in Provence. Drive through the hills. Have a picnic. Eat sausage!

If she’s in Paris, there are a billion things to do, museums to see, places to check out. How could anyone list just one thing? One thing she should not do, however, is walk around dressed like Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm because Parisienne women will treat her with complete contempt. Actually, yes, let’s hope she packs the suede hooves, the tutus, and rocks the bobby-pin mullet.

If she’s in the mountains, fucking go on walking tours. Drink more wine and eat more cheese.

Normandy? Fucking Google it. There’s a ton of Second World War history there. Why do I doubt she’s even aware of that? Do you even think she knows what D-Day is? How impressed do you suppose the McCains were with her?

Why is she so stupid? Why?

110 COMMENTS

    • Hahaha, that’s great. Parlez vous Donkey?

      On a serious note, I will be in Paris for 3 days this July and would love some suggestions on must-do activities that are a little more toward the hole-in-the-wall-cafe end of the spectrum versus waiting-in-line-to-see-the-Louvre end. When I go to Europe I prefer to avoid tourist traps and like to dive right into getting a sense of the vibe of whichever city I’m in. Any input would be welcome as I trust you savvy catladies and your advice over any google searching (or as Julia puts it “tweeting”) that I could do.

      Thanks!!

      • This is still a museum, and I know that’s not what you want per se, but I really enjoyed the Musée de Cluny, which focuses on Middle Ages stuff. It’s not as crowded, has a great garden in which to escape the heat, and is home to the Lady and the Unicorn tapestries. David Lebovitz also has some great food-related suggestions on his blog:
        http://www.davidlebovitz.com/paris/

        • LOVE the Musée de Cluny. Aside from the amazing collection, the building it’s in was a Roman bath, then a monastery, and then a palace, and it has architectural elements from all three phases, which is pretty cool and gives a good sense of how long Parisian history is. The garden’s great, too.

        • This place looks awesome! I love museums, just not the super popular touristy ones. I live in Boston, and as much as I enjoy the MFA, I appreciate the Isabella Stewart Gardner museum so much more for the history, architecture, and garden – which seems like the American version of this museum. Thanks for the great suggestion!

          • No problem! I know what you mean about the MFA. I used to date a guy in college who lived in the Boston suburbs and loooved the MFA, so I spent a lot of time there and now wish I had explored the rest of Boston more. Next time I’ll go to the Isabella Stewart Gardner.

          • Me too OFM, have you checked out the DeCordova? My son just spent 5 days in Metz and 5 in Paris and Metz was beautiful.

      • The last time I went to Paris I got hit by a car whilst WAITING to cross the road. Try that, keep shit real.

        • Haha, oh man, that is so horrible and yet so hilarious. Mostly hilarious, as I’m sure you’ve had time to heal.

      • I spent 3 weeks there last summer. There’s a free walking tour (found here) that shows a lot of cool things. They also do tours in other cities–I took one in London too that was fun. They also offer a tour through Montmartre, which is a really pretty part of Paris. I hung out a lot near the Sorbonne while I was there. I was basically by myself for 3 weeks so I wandered a lot and met some really awesome people by just hanging out. One of my favorite spots, while touristy, was the gardens near the Louvre. They’re beautiful and a lot of people who worked/lived nearby just stop for lunch or to lay in the grass a bit. If you’re there at the right time, NRJ usually has a free concert or two around the city. I’ll try to remember which cafes I hung out in but the Latin Quarter has a lot of really great restaurants. They also do some fantastic 15 Euro deals for a starter, main course, glass of wine, and dessert.

          • Go to Sainte Chapelle on the Ile de la Cite to see the most glorious Gothic stained glass windows in creation, then cross the street and stuff yourself with great ice cream at Berthillon. The island is a great place to just walk around.

      • Go to this jazz cave late at night for some amazing swing dancing!

        Old dudes from the neighborhood, kids from the Sorbonne, not at all desperate housewives in swingy skirts and flats. Great dancers! We were far too shy to join in so we just drank wine and bounced in our seats in awe. The music is fantastic and you’ll find yourself there until it closes.

        Also, check bus maps as there is a city bus that winds it’s way from Eiffel Tower to Pere le Chaise cemetery. By winding through true Parisian neighborhoods, you see a real slice of life there.

        Near the cemetery, grab picnic supplies – wine, baguette, cheese – at any supermarket and go wander the graveyard. Put on your reddest lipstick and leave a smack print on Oscar Wilde’s tombstone (you won’t be the only one), try to get near to Jim Morrison’s though there is security and it always looks like the night after a wild party. Find Proust and Gertrude Stein. It’s a really amazing place to stroll. Huge trees, wide lanes and great monuments. You can return back to city center via the metro just a few blocks away.

        The Rue Moouffetard market is, I think, the best in the city. See here: http://www.apartexchange.com/Guide_Paris5th_Mouffetard.htm

        For shopping, try the small boutiques on the side streets around the Bon Marche. they don’t look like much, but there are great finds in some unassuming spots. ON my last trip, I picked up orange ballet flats for 20 euro and a grey cotton dress for 25 euros. That was two years ago and they still hold up!

      • the food is so yummy and the owner there is the sweetest man who is very kind to American tourists) and walk up the many stairs to Le Place du Tertre where artists are. At the very top is the Sacre Coeur cathedral, quite a hike but WORTH THE EFFORT – you can see all of Paris, the view is spectacular! Cafe du 2 Moulins (where Amelie works in the movie of the same name) is a tourist trap but a lovely spot nonetheless and there’s nothing like a quick stop to the Moulin Rouge (situated in the red-light district area of Monmartre) to end the day…

        I also second Pere Lachaise cemetery – lots of walking, but you can see the graves of Oscar Wilde, Jim Morrison, Edith Piaf, Chopin, Georges Bizet, Proust, Heloise/Abelard, etc.. Maps of the place usually cost one or two Euros, pricey as far as maps go but it’s almost impossible to navigate the place without the map (unless you did what some people did – follow the crowds and you’re bound to run into one of the famous graves).

        A nice spot to wind down is the Jardin du Luxembourg. Lots of beautiful statues and fountains, and a great place to people watch, especially on a nice, sunny day. We walked from the jardin all the way to the Eiffel Tower (almost a two hour walk but we really saw ALL of Paris that way).

        Hope this helps!

        • oops, for some reason the beginning part of my comment disappeared!

          I meant to say:

          Monmartre is my favorite part of Paris. Eat lunch at Le Templier, the food is so yummy, etc.

      • Late to the party, but I must reiterate going to the Musée de Cluny. It was one of my favorite places to visit. If you go to Montmartre, consider going to Sacre Coeur during a church service. I am not religious by a long shot, but listening to the singing reverberating off the mosaic ceilings was one of the most beautiful experiences I’ve ever had.

        The Baccarat museum was pretty cool (though small and expensive for the size) if you like Baccarat. Covered passageways (Galerie Vivienne, Jouffroy, Panoramas, etc.) are good for architectural details and browsing small shops.

        As for Cimetière du Père-Lachaise, just take a picture of the map at the entrance and zoom in when needed. No need to buy a map, unless you want one as a souvenir.

        • Hey… long time reader, first time commenter. And Paris resident.
          Much of what was said above is good advice. I’ll add some more off the map stuff:
          if you’re getting sick of tourist stuff, do a picnic in the buttes chaumont (19th) – gorgeous park, nice views, and there’s a GREAT bar in the park called Rosa Bonheur.
          Good areas to go out: rue charonne and near bastille
          Shopping: the Marais, esp. the Haut Marais (3rd and 4th)
          If you’re here on a Sunday, take a vélib and ride along the quais – they’re pedestrian only zones on sundays
          A lot of the museums that belong to the city of paris are free. My favorite is the Musée Carnavalet, all about the history of Paris.

          Also, a useful tip: if your bank/credit card offers a chip card, get it. A lot of machines (vélib, metro tickets, etc…) only accept cards with chips in them

          Also, watch your wallet and phone, especially on the metro. Mine was stolen out of my pocket… and in the tourist areas, don’t sign any petitions and NEVER buy anything from the itinerant vendors….

          • a couple more things:
            christian contant’s two restaurants on rue st dominique near the champ de mars. they don’t take reservations, but are worth the wait.
            and oberkampf… several good bars on that street too.

          • What is pretty funny is that Donksers would get a lot of great suggestions if she checked out this website… which of course she doesn’t.

          • Thanks for the great tips! I lived in Italy for a bit, so I know all about watching my belongings and whatnot with the pickpockets there. I’ll definitely have to look into this chip card thing you mentioned!

    • What? No, I don’t want her polluting France.

      Julia, if you go to Paris, sit in a cafe near the Eiffel Tower and please make sure your outfit includes a beret. It’s totally on trend.

      • Ah, but look at this from a different angle: People in France (esp Paris) are better prepared to deal with idiots like Julia than perhaps any people on Earth.

  1. Walk around, talking very loudly and saying things like “How come no one in this country can make a decent cup of coffee?”, ” You don’t speak American, come on everyone speaks American”, “The only place I’ve really got to see is EuroDisney”
    “Where’s the statue of the inventor of French fries?” “So you don’t have cupcakes but you have super cute macaroons? Give me a gross of the pink ones”
    Only eat at American chain restaurants. Did you know you can get wine at French McDonald’s? McGuzzle! But make sure to jot down what you consume en francais.
    Only stay at chain hotels because anything local run will be stinky and not have any free toiletries to steal.
    That should get you started and delighted to be of service!

    • I was just going to add: The French, particularly Parisians, REALLY love loud, demanding, obnoxious Americans.

    • Jesus, can you imagine traveling with her? She’ll take hours to get ready, be really picky about all the food, and take a bazillion pictures. Basically, she will suck all the joy out of every experience.

      Who are these girlfriends willing to subject themselves to this?!

      • Well, hey, I took a bazillion pictures the last time I went to Paris with the fam … ain’t no shame in that – Paris is such a lovely city.

        Now, I took a bazillion pictures of the sights, whereas she will most likely take a bazillion pictures of herself / her fingers with food. THAT is the offense in my opinion.

        • Oh, yeah, pictures while traveling are essential. I meant the super staged photos she will insist upon taking, plus the food pics you mentioned. She’s just the worst.

          • I would love to see her ask one of the grizzled old customer-hating waiters at Au Pied du Cochon or somewhere like that to take her picture with food.

  2. Too sad about the Ceiling Cat, Joolzballz. Everyone else will be nomming on delicious pastries, while you will be having sad little biscuits au sarrasin ou au riz. Bou-hou!

    • Her parents would gladly pay to get her out of Chicago at this point.

      Also, my guess is that she is Princess Dodge-A-Check, so it’s just the airfare and the hooficures.

    • PRECISELY. like fuck you for pretending that you don’t sponge off your parents at the age of 30 julesie. and shame on you for doing so. its one thing to ask mom and dad for a loan for a downpayment on a house (if they can afford it) or to ask for some cash for emergencies. its another thing to basically get them to pay for all your nonsense travel. how are you paying for getting to via’s wedding? which i can’t even afford to go to? that and a trip to paris? you’re affording all of this on your fucking COLUMN SALARY? my fat ass, julia. my fat ass.

      • there is no column salary, just like there is no column health insurance. these columns pay based on the number of publications that pick them up, with some allowances for papers with larger circulation being worth more (no large circulation paper will ever pick up her shitshow column). oh, and it’s usually something like $15 per column per paper.

      • Ooooh, does the reference to Via’s wedding mean that you’re a real life connection? Got any dirt we don’t already know?

      • you’re affording all of this on your fucking COLUMN SALARY?

        Which may be down to less than $100 per week, according to the sleuthing of our own Professor of Donkology.

        • That’s about what I would’ve guessed, but do you have a link for this? Or know what post it was mentioned on? I’m not finding anything…

          • We figured it was between $10 and $20 per column per paper, and Prof. of Donkology only found one new paper running it in addition to the four I knew to be still running it (down from a peak of, what, eight)?

            That does not add up to fuck you money!

    • Her parents have pretty much paid for everything her johns won’t since she got fired from the Star.

      • how do you know this? (i believe you, i’m just curious if there’s any proof or just here say.)

        • No proof. It’s just that I can’t think of any job she’s had since that would pay actual money. I guess there was that Sony thing, but: Renting & expenses in Manhattan? Takes taxis everywhere? Eats out all the time? Flies constantly?

          No, she’s not an escort. That was an unfair shot. She’s merely a grifter…but her boys don’t pay for all of it.

          • My first post should read “Her parents have pretty much paid for everything since mid-2009.”

          • Escorts work hard for their money. So that rules Donkerina out right there.

            Yeah, if that Sony thing was even $10k I would be very surprised. The last well-paying gig she had was Star and she fucked that up for herself with her donkness.

    • Seriously – tickets to Europe are about $1000-$1500 in August. Also, she is such a dumb midwestern hick and represents all of the worst stereotypes that French people have of Americans. But I would kill to see the snide “bitch please” looks people give her ….

  3. Take up smoking, experience your first foreskin? Dunno Jules, you stupid bitch, maybe figure out the whole “France” concept yourself? Or better yet, make like Carrie and get drenched in pig’s blood go running in traffic in a froufrou ballgown on the Champs-Élysées and maybe Flapjacks will pull up in a limo and save you? I think you should try that- it’s.. a French tradition, yep. Something special and magical might happen!

  4. Julia – what you SHOULD do is take French lessons before you go so that you aren’t a complete parasite and typical ugly American.

  5. She doesn’t drink, eat gluten or dairy, speak French, or appreciate culture in any way. I’m sure she’ll really enjoy the trip.

  6. Hej,
    (Sverige for “Hi/hey” ( Has the Donk posted about Volvos yet?))
    Jacy & JP et al.,
    Stop Giving Her Ideas!
    Looking forward to posts about how boring France is, like Copenhagen.
    Will it be black turtlenecks, capri pants and berets; or gingham bralets, granny panty bikinis and bump-its? How many sips of Vino? Champange, Souffles, Fromage, or Pate with an Accente Francaise?

  7. Seriously…. For someone who is all about being obssessed with the internet, she should know how to use a computer and go to http://www.google.com.

    Also her tweet about different colored shoes under a bridal gown is not a new trend. I did it last year and obviously didn’t think of it myself. She really needs to get over her wedding fascination. I’m sure guys don’t want a single 30 year old that lives and breathes weddings.

    • When I got married in 2000, every goddamned wedding publication was all ‘OH MY GOD YOU CAN WEAR BLUE SHOES WITH YOUR WEDDING DRESS! OR PINK! OR SILVER! OR RED! IT’LL BE QUIRKY AND DELIGHTFUL!’

      It’s like Donk is getting a delayed broadcast or something. Next she’ll be telling us all about how great these newfangled Rollerblades are!

      • “It’s like Donk is getting a delayed broadcast or something.” = nail on head.

  8. Julia is just going to rub up against the Winged Victory in the Louvre, call it a “statute,” take a cheesy Instagram iphoto and lay her claim on culture. The musée d’Orsay may be a bit of stretch for her, but she might be able to claim lineage with The Degas dancers. who am I kidding, she’s just going to take requisite Eiffel Tower shit and bray on forever about all the gluten and sugar and chocolate in the pain au chocolate and scowled she scarfs down. Julia is such a fucking embarrassment. I spent my childhood in Paris, I hope the French fuck with her. Also suspect the trip isn’t gonna happen and she’s crowd sourcing for appearance sakes. what a stipple, foolish twat.

    • Oh and look forward to an onslaught of unimaginative posts feature pilfered google images of Bardot and Bruni, and online catalog shot of Breton stripes…. I really don’t think this trip is going to happen with her imaginary bunch of girlfriends though….

  9. “My grade school bff is hosting a 30th bday party that requires dressing as a character from a musical. I’m thinking Wicked. 😉 Other ideas?”

    I know she’s going to go as a sexy Glinda – all sausage curls, tiara and (shortened) poofy dress – but in my imaginary world, she goes as a flying monkey.

    Actually, in my imaginary world, JA doesn’t exist, but – eh – details.

    • My GRADE SCHOOL BFF?! Her obsession with making sure everyone is somehow categorized in her tiny little head and how they’re so very clearly relevant to Julia herself is so weird. “My high school debate partner.” “My high school boyfriend.” “My little brother.” “My manicurist’ sister’s fiance’s third-cousin-once-removed.”

    • Audrey II (the plant) from Little Shop of Horrors. She just has to wear green to set off her gaping, insatiable maw.

    • And miss her chance to re-enact Blair meeting a Prince in front of some Great Art? She’ll go for that alone!

      It’s not like she has any commitments or errands stopping her from fulfilling her Disney destiny.

      • bwah, i was just going to comment that she’ll stand in front of a Monet for hours, waiting for a prince to sweep her of her feet, just like BW.

  10. [THIS IS NOT AN AD!!!! I genuinely love these sandals and have been meaning to write about them for a year now. The women who started the company are gorgeous and amazing – plus, they are working their butts off. I wanted to support them.]

    I love that she wants to “support” this company because the women are gorgeous and amazing and oh yeah, work their butts off. Right. Her views of women are so fucked up.

    • And I love how a representativeof the company piped up immediately to thank her.

  11. So the Ceiling Cat organizations and websites have these little cards you can give to waitstaff in other countries to inform them of your heartbreaking disability (as if I would ever give a French waiter extra information on ways to torture me, but I digress).

    Anyway, in French the Ceiling Catters are called “les intolérants au gluten” and I have a vision of Donkerina going into a restaurant and bellowing “JE SUIS INTOLERANTE” and the waiters either murmuring, “Evidemment, donc” or “Intolérable, mademoiselle.”

  12. OT:

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

    I know I am late to the party, but I just saw that on the Donkey’s list of things to do in life is “Write and sell a book”

    I die.

    carry on….

    • I know! Too funny.

      It’s like she’s seen the fuss being created over Noelle and her new book and now desperately craves that kind of attention.

      In her mind she’s totally gonna get started on her book … right after she’s had a nap to sleep off that bowl of icecream and four candy bars she just hoovered to assuage her feelings of inadequacy.

      Poor Donks, always a dreamer, never a do-er.

      • … old photos of me […] made me think of my friend, Noelle, whose book […] trying everything from […] to … taking trapeze lessons.

        Bullshit. FIRST Donkey spotted the word ‘trapeze’ in Noelle’s book & then had her involuntary hoof-jerk ME! ME! ME! PHOTOS OF ME! reaction wherein she managed to make someone else’s accomplishment primarily about HER.

        There was a time on RBNS when one or more commenters pointed out that books Donkey had listed as ‘must reads’ all had one thing in common — I’m thinking it was a connection to one of Donkey’s agents — is that the case here?

        • She might be trying to suck up to Noelle to get Noelle to get her publisher interested in her. I wondered what the agenda was too, Donkey is never nice for nice sake. I assume inside she is seething that her friend wrote a book… now she wants to redouble her (non) efforts to write one too.

  13. from the comments:

    Hey Julia! Just curious, why did you want to visit Peru? Much of my family is from there so I was interested to see if you had some connection to the area

    I’ve heard it is a very spiritual place, and I’m fascinated by that!!

    what, so she thinks some profundity will rub off on her if she goes to machu picchu?
    and what the hell is a “spiritual place”? jerusalem or the ganges come to mind, but peru? like anywhere else, the best she could do is gawk at the natives and complain about the weather and food. her double exclamation point spiritual bullshit makes me braygey.

  14. I can’t take it anymore. I really cannot take it. She’s already been to fucking France anyway, on Alex’s dime, so you’d think she’d know what to do. This tweet was pointless and only serves to try to make herself seem worldly.

    I can’t stand her ass.

    • “This tweet was pointless and only serves to try to make herself seem worldly. ”

      and accomplishes exactly the opposite

    • There is a nice ashram in the glorious swamplands of New York state, or so I hear!

    • There’s a great B&B you can stay at in Coronado, CA. It’s a luxury condo so you can pamper yourself.
      They accept pets (dogs and donkeys) and the rates are very reasonable. In fact, free.
      I believe they also offer a mail forwarding service.

    • You will surely want a stroll through Henri Bendels …
      There’s the face-stuffing dessert cart at Applebee’s …
      Do you like books tables to stand on?

  15. And anyhow, someone should just reply to her that she should do what any French woman does: be skinny.

  16. Stay there.

    That’s all, Donkerella.

    Stay there and never come back to the good ol’ U S of A.

  17. France pretty much shuts down in August, right? Like, that’s the month that everyone takes holiday?

    Genius.

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