Replacement Cast Member Hates The Ashram

What I find amusing about this particular break up — or, really, about her life since she left New York — is the need for Julia Allison to introduce an endless parade of heretofore previously unmentioned or barely mentioned characters into the current season’s storyline of our insane reality show. Take What’s Her Couch, for instance, you know, the gullible sap who appeared out of the blue to let Julia essentially move in for weeks on end because our successful business-donkey was too cheap to just stay in a hotel like a normal adult. Or consider the extras who appeared at Pancakes’ holiday debut, those nameless seat-fillers Julia used to impress a Senator’s progeny during New Year’s Eve. Or what about those ego-boosters who crossed state lines to attend birthcray? Or, more recently, we now have Dr. Hugo Strange He’s Never Been Mentioned Before.

Julia’s life is now like “Saved by the Bell: The New Class,” where the original cast of characters graduated (or more accurately, ran for the hills), and the halls of Bayside High were repopulated with painfully uninteresting replacements. We no longer have the Van Veens and the Karps, the Sklarges and the CaroBears. No Ashas, or Billows, or Berkhow-Straunchs. Instead we are left with a cast of nobodies who appeared out of thin air, despite the fact that Julia pretends that all these faceless characters have been her dearest friends since time immemorial.

Funny how these dozens of unremarkable characters never figured into the storyline when Julia was reaching her media empress highs, but are now crucial to the plot as Julia is continually discovering newer and deeper lows. I find it quite sad that these people allow Julia to use them in this manner. They are merely props to mask the fact that Julia’s life is a complete and empty failure, devoid of the people of arguable influence that Julia tried desperately to keep in her egomaniacal orbit.

And now we have been introduced to another character: Christine Something-Or-Another, the mysterious figure who Julia dragged north to the ashram while the rest of New York headed east to The Hamptons for cocktails and brunches and beaches. This poor girl. Instead of having a normal Memorial Day weekend, she had a weekend spent drinking flavorless vegetable broth and contorting her body into unnatural positions.

And wouldn’t you know it? This Christine Something-Or-Another hates it up there!

Chat with my ashram roomie (& friend from NY), Christine

Me: Hey – time for evening satsang!*
Christine: Um … I’m going to skip it.
Me: You haven’t done anything the entire weekend!
Christine: I did 30 minutes of meditation yesterday morning.
Me: That doesn’t count.
Christine: I ate every meal. That counts!
Me: You’re an ashram deadbeat!
Christine: I’m doing stuff! Just not ashram stuff.

*satsung – meditation & chanting (lasts about 2 hours)

Meanwhile, Donkey is so god damn dense that she doesn’t get that her friend is miserable. She’s too focused on tapping into her inner Elizabeth Gilbert, which (fun fact!) is buried deep inside her asshole, that she can’t even clue into the fact that this mini craycation isn’t the slightest bit of fun for her ashram accomplice. Because who gives a fuck if Julia Allison’s friend isn’t enjoying herself? She just supposed to be a prop, a flimsy set piece that masks the fact that Julia Allison is utterly alone.

90 COMMENTS

  1. But, bunnies, she has so many friends how can you expect her to talk about all of them? The name-brand friends may all be busy with their husbands and babies and treating their animal companions as something more than animated fluffy rag dolls, but Julia has friends galore to take their places! It doesn’t matter that these generic friends are imaginary, one step above hostages, or goaded into giving something for nothing. She has friends! Whereas you are just jealous and obese and frazzled by keeping all of the cat hair off of your muumuus. Feel free to relax, pay some bills, or start a novel.

  2. Me: Hey – time for evening satsang!*
    Christine: Um … I’m going to skip it.
    Me: You haven’t done anything the entire weekend!
    Christine: I did 30 minutes of meditation yesterday morning.
    Me: That doesn’t count.
    Christine: I ate every meal. That counts!
    Me: You’re an ashram deadbeat!
    Christine: I’m doing stuff! Just not ashram stuff.

    Me: [flops back on super-thin mattress] I’m doing stuff too. A lot of really internal healing and moving on stuff, to do with my breakup with Jack. Jack McCain. It’s been just … sigh … Intense.
    Christine: Satsang… That’s the silent meditation, right?
    Me: Yeah, and some chanting, but we did it last night. You’re right, we don’t need to go again. Anyway, all that meditation got me thinking about what true love really is. And we had it, Jack and I. Jack McCain. We were so in love I cried about it.
    Christine: I think I might be up for some chanting, come to think of it.
    Me: I’d love to, I really would! But *sniffle* I’m just so emotional right now. Today has just been So. Great! And you! You’re so great Kristy! And so was Jack’s love for me. Jack McCain. But now I just feel so, so … dammit, where’s my thesaurus!?
    Christine: Oh. It’s in the bathroom. We ran out of TP.
    Me: Nevermind. I’m strong in the face of adversity such as this. I have a tough upper lippe, as the Brits would say.
    Christine: I was wondering about that. Is that a Dr Bobby specialty? I don’t think it’s meant to be quite that immoveable.
    Me: No, silly. I mean, I’m like Princess Kate Middleton. I’m classy and don’t let my emotions show, even when horrible things happen. Everyone knows the turmoil I’m going through – you’ve read my blog posts, right? – but when they see me, they see a strong, serene woman admirably tackling her private pain.
    Christine: I really think maybe we should go to satsang.
    Me: No, I can’t. I’m grieving. Deeply. And I have to hold on to it for a least another 5 pounds. Maybe 8.
    Christine: OK, well how about I leave you to your private grieving and I’ll go to satsang.
    Me: Whaaaaat? Nooooooo!! You can’t leave me like Jack did. Jack McCain. I really need a friend right now Kristy.
    Christine: It’s Christine.
    Me: But you’re like my sister, so I call you Kristy. Everyone who really loves me has a K name, so you should have one too. I bestow it upon you. Like a royal title.
    Christine: …
    Me: I’d totally suit a royal title, don’t you think? If I’d married Jack – Jack McCain – I wouldn’t get one, but I’m wondering about Oxford doctors. How much money do you have to have before you can buy a title? Hand me my iPhone? I have to erect someone.

  3. The whole dumb exchange is just another humblebrag, at the expense of her latest seat filler (lols, JP)

    Look how hard she’s working on her grief! Such energy! Such bravery! So ineffably resplendent in the face of tragedy!

    Tool.

    • Exactly. Look haters! I do so have the kind of discipline required for two hours of meditation and chanting in a language that doesn’t make any sense to me! You all are just spending your weekend drinking your beers and smoking your cigarettes and hanging out with each other. THIS is real work!

  4. [img]http://images.sodahead.com/profiles/0/0/0/1/6/2/4/9/8/forever-alone-40747312774.jpeg[/img]

  5. Because nothing is more relaxing on a weekend getaway than being harped on about how you should be spending your time.
    And I reiterate my theory, this Catherine girl has available wheels and some sort of roommate so JABa enlisted her for a free ride and a place to dump that poor pup. The end.

    • I hope Dad$ers is at least paying her way. Otherwise, poor girl. (Though, poor girl with questionable judgment on how to spend a holiday weekend.)

  6. Kitty Yoga
    [img]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_AYwY74fDryU/S0HoZO_KwWI/AAAAAAAAau8/dRx28NCDM9g/s400/funny+yoga+cats+photos+5.jpg[/img]

  7. I love you guys! and gals!

    this shit is never going to end….just on and on and on.

    Poor dear will never get the real therapy she needs.

    • You are right, this shit will never end[img]http://www.gifsoup.com/view/211844/cat-poops-on-toilet-o.gif[/img]

  8. You can tell she really loves yoga, given she only does it for a few days whenever she’s escaping her absence of a real life somewhere else.

    • Like all her other favorite things (writing, travel, Lily, being with friends).

      She has ADHD for everything except deep-throating cupcakes and dressing up.

  9. What. A. Bitch. She just had to tell the world (and Jack, Jack McCain) that poor pitiful Christine can’t possibly keep up with awesome Julia and her ashram awesomeness.

  10. I have never been to an ashram, but I have been to Christian and Buddhist and secular retreat centers, and I have never encountered one that graded on attendance.

    • In addition to retreat centers I spent three years in seminary; I think it’s safe to say you always get what you’re looking for, especially if you’re lying to yourself or other people about the goal. Every spiritual practice is a double-edged blade, and neutral as all knives are, right up until they are picked up by a particular hand. Poor Julie.

  11. Happy Memorial Day (dust) bunnies. One of you fine felines should post the faux ga photos and make my day.

  12. So what exactly is Christine Kelly BFF doing at the ashram then? Is she just on a 3 day vegan cleanse break? I don’t understand these people.

    Also, not really surprising that she didn’t want to go to Satsung*, imagine being stuck in a room for two hours with the donkey bray chanting. And you just know she has to sit at the front or in the middle and braychant louder than everybody else. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw.

    • Serious question, because I have never been to an ashram—is it not allowed (or considered bad form) to use a weekend retreat for your own self-structured retreat program? It wouldn’t be at the Christian, Buddhist, and secular retreat centers I have attended.

      • Also, isn’t it “satsang”? (Google suggests yes.) Once again Professional Writer Lady And Yoga Expert Donkerina gets basic vocabulary words wrong.

        • Oh, wait, I see she gets it right sometimes and wrong other times, so I guess it’s just the unwieldy hooves on the iPhone.

  13. Strangely, I know Hugo and his missus.

    Believe me, there is nothing shady going on there, no matter what JA would like Jack (and the rest of the world) to think.

      • We’re not close friends or anything, but I know them. I would guess he’s interacting because he’s in town and JA hounded him into hanging out. You know how it is when you’re visiting another country or city, even a one-time acquaintance is worth meeting up for a drink. Poor guy.

    • Back when Julie’s facebook page used to be open to friends of friends, there was most definitely some Hugo and Julie flirting going on.

  14. From Twitter

    Epic. RT @jason_pontin: Gen Martin Dempsey, next Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, performs, “New York, New York.” http://youtu.be/oX6-S3v3aTQ

    See, She did find some (self)enlightenment. She can’t use all her twitter/tumblr time
    talking about her shallow spirituality. They might forget that she was almost a McCain; so very patriotic of her. Anyone doubt she is wearing red, white and/or blue to yoga today?

  15. JP, one of your finest works to date. Ineffable, literally ineffable.

  16. You guys! She’s just trying to heal! We all know how fauxto-graphing her industrial-sized back legs & hooves facilitates the well-being of the normal, emotionally healthy Mulia that she is tobray…

  17. Even if this new random chick is going to the ashtonram for sincere spiritual reasons, I’m sure she LOVES Hoofesey McDonkercunt bitching at her about how she’s spending her time.

    If I were having a peaceful, solitary weekend of reflection and I chose to forgo one of the activities for some quiet time for myself, I’m sure I’d love a braying 30 year old spinster honking at me to go do old lady yoga with her.

    She can’t hide at the Ashtonram forever. This is the equivalent of pulling the covers over your head when things get scary, and the next few weeks are going to be ROUGH.

    • And by rough I mean HILARE-BALLZ for us, because instead of just dealing with her psychotic issues this nutso bitch will continue TELLING US ABOUT THEM.

  18. Someone in comments the other day mentioned watching Dirty Sexy Money and being reminded of Julia whenever Juliet is on screen… I am watching it now, and she is a TOTAL Karen. Overshares about sex life; rubs her ex in her fiances face and talks about her relationship with said ex in front of his wive; cheats multiple times; willing to homewreck for the married man she is convinced she ‘belongs’ with; expecting 2mil for her vanity wedding photos, when no one wants to spend 100k; four marriages; jetting around the world for no reason, and inserting herself into situations where she is clearly not wanted. LOUDLY. There is more, but that is a good start. It is totally perfect.

    DSM is on netflix watch instantly if any cat ladies want to compare.

    • That was me, and while in the first few episodes I did see Julia in Juliet (the dog, the petulance, the annoying whining) I do agree with you somewhat…but I just finished up the entire run that’s on Netflix, and I think Karen redeems herself in a way Julia never could. Up until the last few episodes, yes, Julia could be Karen. Toward the end, notsomuch. Happy watching!

      • A friend kind of spoiled that maybe Karen gets a little better, but I’m only on episode nine, and at this point I cannot imagine how she can be made into a character with more substance. She is so shallow, slutty and manipulative. Oh, and dumb, at this point.

        I’m dying to know who Dutch’s other child is! I have ruled out Karen (even though that would be awesomely creepy unknowing incest, I don’t think Tisha would let that happen), and I think the twins would be a stretch. I’m convinced it is Brian, just because he hates Nick so much.

        • I watched all 23 episodes within the course of five days, so it somewhat all blurs together, but by the end I really kind of liked Karen. And in the beginning I didn’t. I’m curious to know how you feel at the end!

  19. @JuliaAllison Julia Allison
    (via @CindyhM1) RT @mariashriver: My daughter once gave me a great Plato quote: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

    YOU GUYS!! She is having a hard time because she is fighting a hard battle!! You have NO idea, they were in LOVE! her and pancakes!! So much so that she must RT pancakes’ mom and Maria Shriver who is going through a divorce after YEARS and YEARS of marriage to a famous person!!! Julsies gets it but we don’t because we are crazy HATERS!

    • I can’t believe she has the chutzpah to keep re-tweeting from Cindy. Donkey is cyber-stalking.

      ( Sorry, didn’t mean to give her any column ideas.)

      • They LITERALLY had to put her gold digging ass on a plane and ship her the fuck back to Chicago…and she’s still got the stones to keep at it?

        If only this mechanical persistence was accompanied by even an iota of talent or non-scheming intelligence.

  20. Gaaaah! Is she SERIOUS with this “trying to heal” bullshit?!? When. Will. It. End?

    We get it, Julia. You’re hurting. I’m not going to play the pain olympics with you, but just…. really?

    Help. She’s driving me nuts with this. Make her stop. Someone.

  21. And she just posted that pink poofy wide stance fleet week pic. Stop! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

    • That picture cracks me up! WHY? Is she standing w/ her hooves three feet apart, in a dress, no less? And w/ her mouth is open about equi-distance?

  22. And Julia? If you’re wondering why I’m following your bullshit today instead of enjoying this gorgeous memorial day? It’s cuz I’m potty training my kitten. And I’d rather POTTY TRAIN than anything you are doing. Ever. Which is saying something.

  23. I’d rather potty train whilst jacked up on fertility drugs wearing this sweaty frock I haven’t taken off in two days than anything you are doing. Julia.

    • Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don’t take it so seriously!!! This is just a hobby.
      You are forbidden to read her blog…ever!

  24. JuliaAllison:
    “The only real security lies in relishing life’s insecurity.” – The Road Less Travelled

    It’s spelled: T R A V E L E D, you dipshit fraudulent journalist.

    • Dear Julie, I think you’re reading Dr Peck book, you should be reading this one “People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil”. You’re welcome.

  25. [img]http://photos.modelmayhem.com/avatars/1/1/2/4/8/4/4/1124844939_m.jpg[/img]

    (reposted from previous)
    Is this Christine Kelly? She def dresses like the Donk….AND So. Symmetrical?

  26. Karen was my favorite character on the dhow and the actress has fantastic comic timing. I can’t stand Julia so to me it’s rotten apples and oranges

  27. is she really so socially inept that she thinks she’s being funny here? and is she not aware that posting a dialogue where YOU are the one making the “joke” makes you look like a douche? and when the “joke” is actually not funny at all, it makes you look like an even bigger douche? so many unanswered questions…the world may never know.

    but ALSO…is she that socially inept that she doesn’t realize how much of a HUGE BITCH this makes her look like? jesus, what an idiot. and what a loser.

  28. ugh, photo of ashram sign with “Better than drugs or alcohol”. That’s why you drink rarely and you do yoga allll the time? And I love the “trying to heal” photo of a hideous cinderblock wall. This is a Very Special Episode that is super depressing.

    • I’ve done yoga and I’ve done drugs and alcohol. Drugs and alcohol are definitely better.

      • 8 ball + vicodin + hot guy + motel room + weekend > yoga or ashram

        p.s. still bored by Julie. But I will ALWAYS RBD and mah cat ladies.

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