Hopefully This Will End Up With Someone Calling Julia Allison a Stupid Bitch

I’m looking into taking improv classes here in Chicago (something I’ve mentioned before & wanted to do for a year now). Second City or UCB?

This can only end in unintended lulz. Please let it be Second City, because she desperately needs a Sassy Gay Friend.

203 COMMENTS

  1. In Donk’s world, improv is about learning how to make shit up about yourself on the spot so you can sound amazeballs to anyone, any time.

    In the real world improv is about teamwork, thinking quickly and supporting others.

    She’ll do half a class and never go back.

    • The first rule of Improv: Always say, “Yes.”

      We all no that Julesie is programmed for no. Unless the asker is a McCain.

      • She would quit after two classes, once she realized that you have to go with the scene, and you can’t change it and make it all about you (i.e., if someone kicks off with, ” I’ve never seen it snow in Baghdad before”, you can’t respond with, “What are you talking about, silly? I’m a supermodel and you’re my personal assistant!”)

  2. I imagine it will be like when Michael Scott’s improv instructor had to take his guns away.

    • Too be perfectly fair I was at that show, and it was such a fucking joke she could hardly improve upon it.

        • Whoops–didn’t even watch the clip.

          I thought this was the bit where she wandered around the Outsider Art Fair making an ass of herself.

      • I was at the 2008 one and liked a lot of the stuff. But I suppose it varies a lot year to year. Which year’s show is this video from? I cannot watch it because Donk.

        • I am over art fairs. If I never see another one it will be fine with me. The exception is the prints and drawings fair in NYC, which always has beautiful and unexpected things. The rest of it can saw it off sideways.

    • DJ Mayo! Now there’s the guy for Julia! Those two smarmies were made for each other. Also, I can’t figure out what she does that causes her to look so much older than she really is. Maybe it’s just genes.

      • His business card would read “cockbiter” if he could spell it correctly.

    • The incessant nodding. I just kant! Julie, you have no chance in tv, movies, radio or print. Just accept that improving won’t work out well and you don’t belong in this industry. Why don’t you go find a sugar daddy? oh… right…

  3. UCB isn’t in Chicago.

    They teach classes in New York and LA, two cities Julia couldn’t/can’t make it in.

    • Before she “moved” to Coronado, didn’t Julia say she was moving to LA in May?

      I still can’t get over Julia claimed to “live” in Coronado. Cartons of milk have lived in my house longer than she lived there.

      • I think there’s a local statute there that if you have 15 crying orgasms in 1 week within town limits you can claim residency.

      • I know! She’s such a damn psycho.

        “These are the guys who train right outside – just a few hundred feet – from where Jack and I live in Coronado.”

        • That is truly unbelievable and hilarious. I really wonder if he actually DID ask her to move in with him and actually just asked her to spend some serious time there so they could get to know one another. And whether her public insistence that they were now living together pissed him off. I mean how happy could Cindy have been that some stranger was braying publicly that OMG JACK MCCAIN OMG OMG had asked her to move into the family condo in Coronado. He doesn’t pay rent on the place, I’m sure. And suddenly this obvious gold-digger says she’s moving in? And in no time has dumped her dog there and is off travelling while Jack is left dealing with Lilly?

          The thing she will not confess is that once again, her compulsion to broadcast/exaggerate everything online because she is boastful and deranged — something it sounds like he suggested to her during “The Talk” — once again fucked up another relationship for her. I call bullshit that he never read her blog and didn’t care that she posted about him. I don’t care how cool you are about that stuff; eventually you’re going to think your woman is fucking deranged if she’s Tweeting about the first time you told her you loved her.

          • I actually believe that she initiated the break-up, intentionally or not, because she never loved him and wasn’t happy in Coronado. She bragged the fuck out the relationship, to be sure, but I think he was the smart one who realized that this was one big dead end.

            Which makes it all the more gross that she’s being such a drama queen now.

          • If I recall correctly, she tweeted about him saying he loved her, but around that time she also tweeted that she wasn’t sure she loved him yet. She seemed like such a bitch–even moreso than usual. Throughout this thing, she delusionally thought she had the upper hand in the relationship, right up to the point where she started the convo about “where things are going” and he told her to take a hike.

      • Legalese bunnies, she said her clothes were moving there for the summer. Not her.

    • Look, if the Twitterverse votes UCB over Second City then she’ll be forced to move to LA and find her calling. Forced, OK? Nothing to do with Pancakes being a 90 minute ride down the 5…

      • If she moves to LA, Dad$ter is going to have to re-start her rental allowance. And probably lease her a car as well. I’m kind of rooting for this, I find it amusing how much $ Dadster is willing to waste while Donkey husband-hunts and avoids any kind of real job.

        • A recent tweet:
          JuliaAllison
          @TarynSouthern – miss you, girl. Will be in LA in June, now. Need some Taryn Time! (And @JuliaPriceMusic time too!)

          I don’t think she means moving to LA, but who knows. We’ve now all seen her definition of “moving” some place in action and a weekend trip to see a friend and crash on their couch could now be considered a short term lease.

        • I doubt that he’ll pay her rent again, let alone shell out for a car. I still think the reason she went home was because he wouldn’t or couldn’t pay for her big city life any longer.

          Don’t know why, but I got the impression they wanted her out of the OMG DOWNTOWN CONDO. Maybe rent it out?

          • Of course Dad$ers wants her out of the OMG DOWNTOWN CONDO. It’s not like he can bring Raúl back to the Lakeside Assisted Living Facility.

  4. This made me laugh:
    tommcmahonnet
    RT @JuliaAllison “Your past does not define you.” – @Oprah
    Then what the Hell are War Crimes trials for?!?!?!?

    • that quote is so obnoxiously typical of donkey. “that was months ago! it has nothing to do with today!” she’s like drew barrymore in “50 first dates,” every day waking up with no recollection about what she did or who she was the day before, except julia doesn’t have a brain injury to blame for her amnesia.

    • She keeps using the same strategy and tactics for all adventures so I don’t understand how she can honestly proffer this statement.

    • She obviously does not follow her revered quotes. If her past did not define her, she would learn how to get over break-ups with men.

      Not for anything her quote about being imaginative dealing with break-ups was cray cray. I think realists get over break-ups quicker since they take the relationship for what it is and move on. I would think dreaming marriage with someone you barely know is setting you up for disappointment not a trait of your imaginative mind.

    • Maybe guys like Milosevic, Mugabe, and Omar Al-Bashir were just getting over break ups?

      No need for the ICC. Thanks, Julesie!

    • The quote is dumb enough, but anyone quoting Oprah evermakes my skin crawl. Oprah is a superficial cunt who throws fistfuls of money into her studio audiences. Not a purveyor of wise aphorisms.

  5. FUCK. HER.

    You have to fucking audition to get into classes at Second City. Which I did (in LA). You also have to audition to take classes at the Groundlings. Which I also did (again, in LA). If they let JULIE in? Either they are desperate for money, or the bar for ‘funny’ has really been lowered.

    Julie: you are one of the LEAST FUNNY people I’ve ever seen/heard/watched/read. Like painfully, cankleshausen-inducing unfunny.

    I will pay $10 to anyone who posts a video of Julie doing improv. Would be worth every penny.

    • Second City in Chicago offers open-enrollment classes through the Training Center (which also does things like classes for salespeople and managers). They are not the same thing as the real classes you have to audition for, a distinction Donkerina would elide in all public communications of course.

      It’s like all the people who take one extension-school night course at Harvard and are all “I’m going to Harvard!” Yes, you are taking a course at Harvard. An open-admissions course with no requirements at the extension school. Good for you for learning something new; bad for you for pretending it is the same as being admitted to the university.

      • The Training Center also does workshops for kids. It would be hilareballz if Donk got demoted from the adult class for lack of competence and wound up being in the kids’ class where she was still the worst. (Like the episode of Seinfeld where Kramer is doing the martial arts class with little kids…)

        • My friend worked her way through the training center and eventually auditioned for the big leagues and just made it to main stage second city (there are different tiers after the training portion, not sure I’m using the right lingo). She put in almost 2 years of work prior to making it there and she was funny to begin with. Julia will never do it.

          • This. You can work your way up from the open-enrollment training centre courses into the by-audition conservatory courses and then audition for touring company and/or mainstage.

            Second City has hundreds of students in Toronto, Chicago and LA. Many mainstage actors just like your friend began at the bottom and worked their way up. Of course, a lot of really untalented people also pay for endless amounts of courses thinking they have a shot at mainstage when they don’t, but the training centre classes can be a lot of fun even for those with no real theatre ambition.

          • Yay, your friend! Boo, Donkerina!

            The thing is that the Training Center is a cash cow and a farm system–people like Donk are just there to pay, and people like your friend are there to work hard and move up.

    • I’m dying to do improv classes but SO SCARED and SO BROKE. I’ll get Julia to join iO and tape it if someone pays for all my classes. plskthnx.

      • Also, don’t be afraid to ask if they offer any kind of scholarships. I’ve been taking classes at the Old Town School of Folk Music (in Chicago) for a fraction of the cost because I’m unemployed. And they don’t just offer music classes – they have art, dance, acting, etc. I find that many places have assistance available – it won’t hurt to ask!

  6. totally OT, but I just had to check in — with my real name this time! — to say thanks to the catladies who reassured me about that root canal. I got it done today, brought my iPod like you suggested, loaded up my Whitney Houston station on Pandora, and you were right: completely painless.

    I live in Palo Alto but made the 40-minute trek to SF to see David Brown, a miracle worker after whom I’ll be naming my firstborn child. This handsome & hilarballz British endodontist graduated from … dun-dun-dun … Indiana U. I hope you never have to see him, but if you do, he doesn’t have a website but his deets are on Yelp: http://www.yelp.com/biz/david-brown-endodontics-san-francisco

    xo

      • *takes cookie away*

        This is how you got her into this mess! With your POISONOUS SUGAR!

        • Hahahah

          Sugar is bad for teeth? I thought it just makes you fat and kills women (same thing and much worse than tooth problems). I’m happy to be a guy – sugar doesn’t affect my teeth!

    • Careful. Jack McCain’s lawyer is liable to phone Dr. Brown to get your identity, then call you at the office to threaten to have you fired for frequenting Julia Allison’s hate blog.

    • At first I believed your story but then I read this part:
      loaded up my Whitney Houston station on Pandora, and you were right: completely painless.

      • Stalker, honey bunny.. Think of getting your wisdom teeth out as the only legal drug binge you can go on in America. It’s awesome! First you should demand some a few Valiums to calm you down. Then, in the chair you huff some medical-grade nitrous and everything is Literally Hilarious. Then they inject you with shit and have you count backwards from 10. You get to “7” before passing out and then you wake up in this totally gnarly fog. Then for the next 2 weeks or so you are gobbling opiates like William S Burroughs. There is no pain at any of these points, just the remnants of pain. Kinda like how your cheek might feel 15 minutes after getting slapped.

        The biggest mistake is not demanding all the good shit because you are shy or whatever. Doctors tend to prescribe the smallest amount of painkillers they can at first, because you can always go up in strength. Tell them you have a very low pain tolerance and Tylenol 3’s don’t work on you. If they try to just give you straight OTC tylenol or ibuprofen I would laugh, spit my bloody clots at him and sue for malpractice. Another tip: At first you’ll get a bottle with 15-30 pills and “No Refills”. Ignore that. Eat what you need and when you get down to 1-2 days worth left, call up the dentist and demand more. Everyone does this. Don’t think that you have to stretch that first bottle for your whole recovery. If by chance you don’t want to do the drugs, you could recover the co-pay cost of the procedure by selling them for $5/ea to someone like me.

        Man, I wish mine would grow back…

        • This x infinity.

          I did exactly this when I had a root canal a few months ago.

          The specialist was very busy. Had to wait about a month to see him. I demanded ‘something for the pain’ before the procedure. My x-rays backed me up, so no problema getting an rx.

          However, as @Here I am with salmon said, they’re pretty stingy with the quantity. I ran out + needed a refill before my appointment. They gave me a bit of ‘phone side-eye’, but got the doctor to approve it.

          At first, they gave me those b.s. 5 mg. vicodin. They don’t do jack s. for me. So when it was time to refill, I said, ‘ummmm…yeah…no. The 5 mgs. don’t really work. I’d prefer the 7.5 mgs.’ They said they just needed the doctor to approve it, which he did.

          I got another rx, and refill thank god, after the procedure.

          Doctors are such pussies about giving out the good stuff. But guess what? I am a bigger pussy about pain. Mommy needs her pills, damn it!

        • You guys are AWESOME> I hadn’t thought of Valium… I think that would be exactly what I need. Will talk to dentist about that at my next cleaning.

          Doctors here are extremely stingy with pain meds because Kentucky is full of hillbilly heroin. Any time you ask for pain killers you get the MD SideEye.

  7. OT, but I found a video of her and Jakob fooling around, and she looked so young and happy in it. You’d think it was from ten years ago – it’s very sad what she’s done to herself.

    • Desperation Snowball effect.

      She’s got so many opportunities (mostly undeserved) and she can’t get over herself long enough to take advantage of them! Yes, it sucks that she’s single and way underemployed, but there are lots of people in the same boat who don’t have the resources she does.

      I wish something would happen to her that forces her to step out of her comfort zone and grow up a little. Then I realize that that is the plot of Private Benjamin. And Party Girl. And a bunch of other fluffy, silly movies that still make more sense than the Life of Donk.

      • Never happen. People don’t just snap out of mental illness, especially when they’re surrounded by enablers.

        • Agree, even though it looks so simple in Party Girl and Private Benjamin!

          Still, I know people IRL, self included, who have had some sobering and challenging experiences that helped them get over themselves a lot. Volunteering, Outward Bound type stuff, caregiving for someone who is seriously ill, and so forth.

          Of course, Donkerina can go to an ashram and emerge more superficial and narcissistic than ever, so there’s probably no hope.

  8. @JuliaAllison “Your past does not define you.” – @Oprah

    See, Oprah means that if, like her, you were raped, molested, grew up a victim of racism, etc … that does not define you. Julia interprets this as, “All that cunty stuff I did to LITERALLY hundreds of people doesn’t define the normal, emotionally healthy Julia that I am today!! First PK, now Pancakes — why is everyone always banging this character and morals drum when they dump me??”

    Get a clue, you stupid bitch — and then get therapy. For about 50 years.

    • Also this enraging tweet: “You are not the product of your circumstances. You are a composite of all the things you believe, & all the places you believe you can go.”

      True Julia! Julia is certainly not a product of her circumstances. She’s a privileged upper middle class white girl who’s had every opportunity handed to her on a silver platter, yet she is still an utter and total failure – financially, emotionally, professionally. She believes she deserves to be married, rich and famous by now but um errr ooops… she’s basically living at home in her parents’ basement at 30.

      • You are a composite of […] all the places you believe you can go.

        See, haterz? If Dad$er can afford to send her to improv class, & he can, then she can & will be an entertainment figure!

  9. Julis pulls this shit ALL THE TIME. If she were serious about continuing her studies she would contact the program, arrange a meeting, weigh her options, etc – without fucking tweeting or crowd sourcing. this is an example of one her many ways of humblebragging. she’s not serious and probablynhas no intention or applying to the program or even taking continuing Ed/open enrollment classes. (the last class I remember her taking was the GRE prep, which her parents paid and forced her to do seemingly).
    Julia just wants the world to know she is ready for USB/SC. Obviously she can even be bothered to google their admissions requirements or available programs. does she think by tweeting her “intentions” former cast members of SNL are going to come out of the woodwork and give her words of encouragement and recommendations? Julia is a silly twat. Really all she is broadcasting is that she is a lazy, unfunny, dilletante with too much time on her hands and, ahem, not a lot of “imagination.”

    • Just to continue being a harpy cat person, I’m a full time MFA graduate student. I’ve been in the program for three years and it’s a huge commitment and chunk of my life and am constantly going through hoops – getting my thesis approved has been a nightmare. I had to apply for the program months before I was able to start, and had to interview, provide a portfolio, and get admitted (and apply for financial aid/loans) before I could claim to be student. Spring semester ended two days ago, summer classes start next week. If Julia were serious about taking classes she should have figured this shit out a while ago, even for continuing Ed courses. Deadlines are inconvenient, but a reality even for creative people.

    • When she says things like this I just assume she is phishing for freebies. If I had 20k followers, it certainly wouldn’t hurt to cast a line out and see if anyone with connections bites and works out a shill deal, right?

      Real Life paraphrased example from a year ago:
      JuliaAllison: HA! I am google-adverse. What is the best speech recognition app for Mac, Dragon or the other one?
      DragonNaturallySpeaking: Hope you enjoy your $300 new app we are sending you free!
      Me: @DragonNaturallySpeaking: WELCOME TO THE BOYCOTT LIST FUCKER.

  10. Shamoo£Ia, I LITERALLY LOL’d on the bus just now at your comment. (Sorry, mobile version won’t let me reply properly.) So funny because it is true.

    • Julia’s not a celebrity and people like Kim Kardashian and Snooki are laughing all the way to the bank, haters or not. At this point, it’s hard to hide behind the “you’re just jealous h8trs!!!” defense when you’re a washed up neverhasbeen 30 year old who lives at home with her parents. At this point, I just pity her.

  11. This makes too much sense. I know many, many people who do improv and they are p r o b a b l y the most self-involved, obnoxious people on the planet. The truly funny, talented, team-oriented people exist, sure, but they are few and far between. I think Julia will fit right in.

    • THIS times 10 million and why I couldn’t see myself staying involved in it for the long haul. Not all, but many of the students taking those classes assume that by throwing upwards of 2 grand at the pursuit (I’m not sure about Second City, but the UCB classes are around 300 a pop, and in order to audition for one of their house teams you usually need about 6 under your belt), an SNL audition or role on on an NBC sitcom is just around the bend, and they conduct themselves as if this is an inevitability. A few of them are brilliant, humble, and possess a work ethic to turn the passion into career opportunities. Many more are just spending Mommy and Daddy’s money. At least Julia has mastered the latter and will fit right in.

      • How else is she supposed to meet a man who is as self-absorbed and narcissistic as herself?

        I think improv classes are the perfect place for her to meet her match!

      • Second City is like this too. I didn’t think the courses were overpriced since I’ve done a lot of similarly priced weekly activities (even my sewing class cost about the same) but while I could afford it and had a lot of fun during the non-competitive intro levels I got into conservatory at it was terrible. I didn’t realize when I auditioned that it was only for those who really want to be on mainstage. I never pretended to have that ambition. I was always made to feel bad for giving any priority to my actual job where I earned the money to pay my courses. It was really depressing how every person in the class believed they would “make-it”. I do think one girl in that class will, or should, but even then I don’t know if her height will make it tough to make it in show-biz. A 45 year old obese man in our class, the least funny of the bunch, quit his lifelong career to move to the city (of Toronto) and be a professional actor. This is just before the recession.

        Anyway the lower level A-E courses were a lot of fun and I would do them again in a heartbeat.

        • This describes my experience to a T! The higher the levels, the less fun and more depressing it became, equal parts due to the clueless but doggedly determined “haven’t got a snowball’s chance in hell” types like you described or the famewhory students who wondered why those of us working full time jobs and taking the classes at night just couldn’t quit those gigs already to move back in with our parents and go on auditions during the day, or get a sugar daddy to foot our bills. Unsurprisingly, most of my peers grew out of the “we’re gonna make this acting/improv thing happen!” by their mid-twenties.

          Also unsurprsing? The NPD headcase I had the misfortune of being involved with I totally met through improv.

          • It’s odd, isn’t it? Whenever I meet someone who is being utterly obnoxious at a social gathering, I usually ask “is this person involved in improv / acting / comedy?” And the answer is ALWAYS yes.

    • Ha! And that donkey will be affiliated with Wounded Warrior. Isn’t that the charity Julia bailed on when she had to get “home” to Jack?

      “Once you met him and saw what a unique donkey he was, it was hard to say no to him,” Crisp said.” I’m sure Jack said the same thing at first, pal.

    • “People just couldn’t believe we were going to these great lengths to help a donkey because donkeys in that part of the world are so low down on the totem pole.”

      Smoke is a special Donkey who is clearly making it in the US. Smoke is also better at improv than Julia. Julia Allison is at the bottom of the donkey totem pole.

  12. OT- I hope this works[img]http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/1305533237_5.gif[/img]

      • those are hot

        I think she found her calling. Standing there, saying nothing, looking pretty. Well done Megs!

    • And the shoot was styled by Mary Rambin’s NS days friend Adrien Field. I’m not a fan of the blank expression on Meghan’s face but she looks does good. Blows away all of Julia’s fauxtoshoots. Well done Meghan and Adrien!

      • Meghannaise outshines Donkey when it comes to fauxtoshoots & Adriend outshines ’em all w/ his bog compared to any of theirs, IMHO.

        • And never forget that Adrien is the author of the overarching meme “slovenly obese basement dwelling cat ladies” or something like that. I don’t remember the actual quote but it will live on forever.

          • I used to think that Donkey and Adriend were frenemies, but with Donkey helping Adriend become a HuffPo contributor I think she realizes he’s a long term asset. Because there’s no way Julia did that out of the kindness of her heart.

          • um, who said julia had anything to do with adriend getting a huffpo gig? doesn’t arianna hate julia?

          • I know for a fact that Julia helped Adriend with that.

            I don’t exactly understand why Julia helped him and I don’t think Arianna or any high-up people were involved. I always assumed they kind of hated each other, so it surprised me to find that out.

          • Donk is friends with at least one of the underpaid minions of La Huff, who are the ones who do all the work.

            Her habit of cultivating (gullible) people in medium places is what gets her a lot of her access, including her failed shill trip to Sweden.

          • According to Donkey’s Learning Annex videos, anyone & everyone can get their hooves feet in the door at HuffPo, right? What exactly did she do for Adriend that he couldn’t do for himself? He certainly writes better than she does; seems like his work can & does stand on its own.

            (How weird to be defending him somewhat, but credit where credit’s due & all that jazz)

          • She did have to make some intros. I’m not going to go into who she intro’d him to, because that’s really not the focus of this blog.

            And yes, it probably helped that Adriend’s blog is decent. Far better than Donkey’s own blog.

          • Oh, I should have clarified that my question was directed to CT Bob, as he actually them both & I figure what he knows, he knows, ya know?

          • Adrien told me that she opened the door for him and he is very appreciative of it. Like it or not she may have some redeeming qualities.

          • wow. She opened the door for him to be one of 1,0000 unpaid content providers Huffpo throws out there. Wow. Thanks a lot.

          • Yes Prof. F. I agree its a meme that has lasted all this time.. And I am not trying to be anyone’s white knight here….just saying…

          • CTBob, I think it’s more likely that her matchmaking on behalf of others is self-interested networking and favor-banking than actual generosity. “Do favors for others so you can get favors back” is a big mantra among the dot com types she thinks are the world’s greatest geniuses, like Steve Pavlina and Tim Ferriss.

            I still can’t get over the whole “Erin Pavlina dot com is my spiritual guide” thing!

    • No No NO! Just putting forth a differing opinion.

      Maybe if the clothes weren’t unwearable. (See: Giant Fuzzy Pubic Bush, I am Wearing Window Drapes, and My Arms Are Covered With SuperGlueJizz)

      Maybe if they didn’t have that weird vaseline smudgey, brightness-set-too-high, low-res quality that makes them hard to look at.

      She makes a good model in that she is a technically beautiful, starved clothes hanger that I have zero interest in fucking. Therefore I focus on the clothes and not her.

      I guess if we’re just comparing all the NS photo shoots. Yes, well done. You look better than someone who is mocked daily about their fashion choices. Congrats.

      • That picture looks like Meg’s sister Liz, Lasagna, and Danish Mary… no Meghan there.

        • meghan shot those pictures, her first foray into fashion. she called these photos “the money shot”, apparently completely ignorant of the actual meaning of that phrase. (and the models are lasagna, mandolph, liz, and fatty kate.)

          • With the sunnies on, Mandolph’s features look softer, like Danish Mary’s. And ahhh, yes, Fatty Kate, so pretty.

  13. I don’t understand why this bitch want to insist that she is ‘creative.’

    She is the least creative person on the internet.

    She brings new meaning to lamestream with her rampant plasticity and consumer fetishism. She does not read interesting books or listen to good music, and she knows sweet fuck all about art on even the most basic commercial levels.

    Oooh, she likes Tina Fey. That must make her SO READY for Second City.

    Julie, get some help. Exploring more you, obnoxious you is NOT the way to go.

    You are not creative, you are not an artist, you don’t belong in that world.

    You have a dad with a bank account, that is all. Until you get real, forget about it!

    • You know, she should go for it and expand her horizons. She just needs to take it seriously and stop being an asshole primadonna.

  14. JuliaAllison “How one spends one’s days is how one spends one’s life.”
    23 minutes ago

    Good fucking grief…

    Also, it’s Leven’s birthday today (just saw it on dlisted)

  15. “In the tarantula world, it’s a big deal when they molt. So I posted, in the proper place, a quickie about my baby spider’s molting. One of the old-timers replied to my post, saying, “Sheesh, why does everyone always post when their T’s molt? They’re spiders; they molt. Get over yourselves.” I was stunned. I simply wanted to share my joy and here comes this jerk, being mean. “

  16. Well, I guess she’s over her mourning period because she’s now sending tweets that should be texts to “friends” again and cross promoting her crappy column with even crappier local morning show segments! The neverhasbeen is back!

    • You know, I hope Donkey gets a lot of work. I hope her column never ends, I hope she gets a million TV appearances. Of course, I’d really love for her to get her own show.

      This is not sarcasm. It dawned on me that if she actually HAD gotten married to Jack and had babies she would no longer be a source of entertainment. The McCain’s might have told her she simply couldn’t keep embarrassing the family or she might turn into just another mommy blogger.

      I love this site and all the smart people here so much. This is the one site I read daily. GODSPEED JULIA! PLEASE DON’T EVER STOP FAILING AT LIFE SO PUBLICLY!

      • I actually say “good for her” for pondering taking an improv class. Yes, she is utterly unfunny, but at least she is proposing DOING something that doesn’t involve obsessing over herself while couch-surfing.

        I still maintain she should investigate how to become a wedding planner, but whatevs, getting off her ass and ending the Pity Party seems a smarter move than falling back into the dark hole of crazy that will result in stalking her ex-boyfriend and his new (or old?) long-term girlfriends.

        • She wants to be a *STAAAAR*!.

          Wedding planner wouldn’t cut it for her unless there was a tv show tie-in. Just like she doesn’t want to be a writer. She wants to be a “Famous Writer”. The writing isn’t important. The fame is.
          She doesn’t want to do improv to create something funny. That’s secondary. She wants to be a Famous Actress.

        • julia wants to do a minimum amount of work for maximum amount of profit. wedding planning requires a lot of time and energy, along with a high level of customer service skill. you can’t plan an entire wedding in the 24 hours before it’s scheduled. wedding planners sometimes even have to act as therapists for insanity-driven brides, and do it all with a smile. julia could never cut it.

        • I don’t think she could make it as a wedding planner, Jacy; it takes actual work, following through with commitments, being places you say you’re going to be when you’re going to be, etc. Even if she had a bunch of fan-girl slaves in the form in “interns”, there is real work involved and I honestly don’t think she is capable of the discipline it takes to earn a living by consistently providing a value-added service for a fair return.
          The most suitable job I envision for her is on a low-rent shopping channel, shilling faddish b.s. like “cleanses” or knock-off shoes/handbags, clip in hair extensions. All she has to do is show up (on time though, which might be the deal breaker) and be a total fake on camera. It’s the closest thing to a skill she has, imho.

          • She is unwatchable. Zero screen presence whatsoever.

        • Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t want to applaud her for any more “Look at me! I’m on staaage!” aspirations.

          The absolute best thing Donk can do to pull herself out of this funk is to go volunteer and help people who truly need it. With so much time on her hands, she could easily go to Memphis or even Japan. Or hold a gluten-free bake sale. Or work at a soup kitchen or contact her family church and see what kind of community outreach they do. Hell, she could write a column about social media and volunteerism.

          I know it’s obviously a cheesy thing to say but the best thing you can do to help yourself is to help others. I spend my birthdays doing this as a gift to myself. I know that makes me sound weird but I never feel better about myself than when I’m volunteering.

        • you propose a career in which julia spends her life planning other people’s special day focused on them? hahahahahahahaahahaha

          • Agreed. Julia has no chance at being good at wedding planning until the day when weddings are more about the planner than they are about the bride.

            Also, Julia might object to having to pick out a cake on ethical grounds. Say what you will about Donkey, but she declines to be responsible for female genocide.

    • cross promoting her crappy column with even crappier local morning show segments

      The Tribune people make everyone who really writes for them do this nonsense, and they all hate it (one friend used to send out emails saying ‘DON’T WATCH ME!’ when he was on).

      Donkerina, however, is excite and thinks she’s a star.

  17. Hello, I am a forever lurker. I absolutely love this site…it saves my sanity every day. I am a female Army officer on my 2nd deployment to Iraq. It’s 110F by lunchtime, and we still have 20-35 degrees to go before we reach the peak of summer. Today we had a rocket attack when I was on the phone with my husband and I had to slam down the phone and sit in a bunker. This evening another officer tried to tell me I couldn’t go for a run because I would get raped if I was out after 1900 (7 PM for civilians). So, typical day. But, you guys make me laugh every time I read a post. Thank you for supporting the troops…thank you for making this shitty deployment disappear for a few minutes every evening!

    • My family and I are grateful for the sacrifices you and your family make every day. Thank you so much.

    • WE ARE PERFORMING A PUBLIC SERVICE FOR OUR BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN IN UNIFORM!!!

      WE ARE NOT BULLIES, WE ARE MORALE-BOOSTERS!

      Thank you so much for this comment, and I am LITERALLY touched that we bring you some laughs. You are amazing and brave and we salute you.

      p.s. Heeeehawwww!

    • So very awesome. Thank you for all that you are doing, and I hope you can come home soon.

      • what a good idea! Can we adopt your platoon (or whatever it’s called? I tried to learn from supporting the military from Julia Allison’s blaugh but alas it was all about about paraphrasing cheesy self help books and spun sugar and molting spiders)

        • anysoldier.com. Whilst obvs we won’t be able to find our friend, and perhaps she wants to remain anon, we can help our other heroes who ensure our freedom of speech.

        • Thanks. [Note that I was asking this person specifically about helping them, vs. randoms. Otherwise just not something I would probably get behind (not in any way to be judgy) because my efforts are more elderly and animal related causes. If she wants to remain anon she can just not answer. But would be very cool to adopt them as a group.]

    • Thank you for your service.

      (Again, this is what fucking frosts my cupcake about the Donk. Here is an heroic catlady who is out there in goddamned Iraq putting her life on the line, and she has a great sense of humor, whereas Donk breaks a fingernail and she bawwws like it’s a major catastrophe.)

    • Thank you for doing what you do. Please stay safe!

    • If anything I’ve ever said has made someone in a war zone laugh, my job here is done. Please come home safe, sound, and soon.

  18. mary rambin’s selling all of her clothing, y’all!

    someone’s hard up for money…

    • I’ve been following that on GR.
      Damn, I really like the navy & olive green watercolor print.

    • I just started reading Mary Rambin’s B&B review that was published in the Houston Chronicle. I stopped after this:

      “I can’t stand B&B’s and country cottages for one simple reason. It looks like someone let their grandmother loose with a roll of floral fabric and a Hobby Lobby catalogue inside. You know what I’m talking about – the pastel quilts, fake flowers, crouched pillows, and potperri pots on anything that will stand still.”

      Crouched pillows? Potperri pots? How do morons like Mary and Julia who cannot spell, cannot think, cannot learn, and cannot write continue to get writing jobs?

      • potperri. crouched.
        glorious additions to the mary rambin misspelling hall of fame.
        and reading her shit is painful.

      • So many questions!!

        +Is crouched the same thing as crocheted? Because, dude, holy shit.

        +Am I the only one who has never heard of a potpourri “pot”? On my planet, we put it in bowls.

        +Since when does Hobby Lobby have a catalog[ue] and where can I get one?

        It’s as if she’s writing about things she knows fuck-all about.

        • It’s as if she’s writing about things she knows fuck-all about.

          ding ding ding ding ding!

    • Kate Greer is selling/donating 2/3 of her things, too, per her twitter. Must be an ex-NonSociety.com thing. Living Simply, Y’all!

  19. “Two hours of laughing at @Hub51 with @JRadloff. And the sun just came out here in Chicago. Feeling like myself again, finally!”

    Four days later? How can she finally be feeling like herself again? For real, it hasn’t been long enough, if her gnashing of teeth was to be believed. (of course, it wasn’t)

    I just can’t deal with her, she makes me so mad. Urgh. Catladies, you can enlighten me, if you get over the breakups faster than I do, but this just shows HOW FAKE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER IS. Grrr.

    • Two hours of laughing at @Hub51 with @JRadloff.
      Stop bullying HUB51!
      Save all the Hubs!

  20. John Cacavas 3 hours ago
    I have always found work to be incredibly therapeutic. Especially if it’s early or late when the phone isn’t ringing. It’s the routine, the familiarity of my pc screen, a hot tea, even the hum of my pc fan all contribute to an environment in which to reflect on what’s going right in my life as opposed to the other stuff.

    juliaallison [Moderator] 1 hour ago in reply to John Cacavas
    Thank you so much for the chocolate, John!!!!! My waistline does NOT thank you, though 😉

    This is creepy and I thought chocolate is MURDER?!?

    • Ok if you’re reflecting on what’s going on in your life, you’re definitely not working. Or does he mean that he likes to be AT work early or late for such an experience? Why can’t he reflect like that at home IN BED? So confused.

    • Wow, they took out everything except the fake tarantula incident and the quotes from the self-help author. That Sun-Sentinel editor is a turd-polishing genius–it comes off as simply banal, now, instead of aggressively stupid.

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