I Guess Mark Kirk, Julia’s Psychic Spiritual Advisor, Didn’t Have The Supernatural Foresight To See This One

April 21:

For the record, I think Donald will get the GOP nom. RT @McCainBlogette: my interview w/ Donald Trump @thedailybeast http://thebea.st/fQXVgV

May 10:

This IS perfect! RT @AriMelber: You know I rarely post Trump items – but this is perfect. The Trump campaign is dead http://bit.ly/lbQiQp

I know I shouldn’t say this because Julia Allison is already crying maple syrup tears over Pancakes, but, lord, is she an idiot. I should also note that she clearly didn’t read the article, as Trump has never formally announced that he is officially running for president. All the article says is that the press is taking him less seriously after the birther debunkle.

260 COMMENTS

  1. This is a woman with a site devoted to pointing out how messed up she is and she STILL insists on acting as if no one is paying attention to her hypocrisy and myriad self-contradictions?!

    Is she crazy or stupid? It has to be one or the other.

  2. Is she going to leave her Republican Military Wife First Lady Princess Bride Myboyfriendwearsaflightsuittoo costume in San Diego, because I’m a little sad we won’t get to see her take up ridiculous and poorly researched “causes” anymore. But what about ALL THE GIRLS, Julia? And all the poor, obese sugar eating children? WON’T YOU THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?!

    • What will the next costume be?
      If she’s going to SF will she put flowers in her hair? Pink tie dyed peasant dresses?

      • Maybe she’ll give the business school costume another try?

        She wants to move to San Fran in the fall.

        Greasy starts business school at Stanford in the fall.

        Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

      • She will embrace the Beat Generation 60 years too late, and we will have another romper weineresque photoshoot, much like this:

        [img]http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lebbvsoudW1qcamdto1_500.jpg[/img]

      • Yes, she has followed my advice on that point but insists on acting on occasion as if she does.

        Love,
        Suz

        • Forgot all about Julia’s PR team. I suppose I forgot because she still says so much dumb shit that it seems like she doesn’t have a PR team.

    • I know!!! This iteration of Julie was by far the most interesting and unpredictably predictable. I will miss her!

  3. Julia reminds me of the freshmen at my university who are clearly trying on new personalities the first week of school. But those kids eventually get involved in classes and activities and revert back to their true natures.

    Julia Allison: It’s always Howdy Week in her head.

    • Julia Allison: It’s always Howdy Week in her head.

      I want to needlepoint this on a pillow, I love it so much.

    • LOLOLOL!!!! I went to college in NYC, so imagine how “try too hard” it was for THOSE people! “Hi, I just came from Indiana and now I am hanging out all the time on St. Marks and dyed my hair purple and got a nosering!” Please stop.

      • Lols–I went to college in Ohio, but it was a school full of basically the craziest hippiest kids from both coasts. Enough girls turned into shaved-head lesbians overnight that it was a running joke about what you did to fit in.

        Actually, I would love for Julia to have a big lesbian affair. It happened in SATC, right?

          • Underappreciated Ohio is.
            Not to get in to a pissing contest, but a fair amount of lib arts schools in the state:

            Oberlin.
            Kenyon
            Antioch
            Wooster
            Case Western Reserve (alma mater of Craig Newmark)
            Dennison (Mike Eisner of that Disney company)
            Xavier
            Cleveland State U, affiliated with the Cleveland Clinic

            I attended neither. But pray tell, is there a school that starts with a P? Countdown to the comment by aff in 3, 2…

          • You forgot Ohio Wesleyan!! Emily Rose would be pissed!!

          • @bf Yes Case Western is predominantly known for engineering and computer sciences, burgeoning business school and very sound medical school.

            If I was ever forced back it would be to Columbus/Bexley or Upper Arlington or Toledo/Ottawa Hills/Sylvania area.

          • Shaker Hts/ Chagrin Falls in Cleve are both nice.

            Upper Arlington/Bexley/Clintonville/Worthington/Dublin are nice in Cols area too

          • @bf: ah, yes, Clintonville, Worthington, Dublin, the areas aroun Columbus are very beautiful. I grew up half way between Columbus and Toledo on I-75. Lot of Forensics competitions every Sat all over Oh.

            @AFF yep, Shaker Heights, and Anderson Township, part of Cinci.

            Transylvania is another great lib arts school that is undervalued. Right in beautiful Lexington, Kentucky.

          • “If I was ever forced back it would be to Columbus/Bexley or Upper Arlington or Toledo/Ottawa Hills/Sylvania area.”

            Ok, I can see Bexley/UA, maaayyybbeee….

            but Toledo/Ottawa Hills/Sylvania… have you been there lately?? It’s half-empty strip malls and the streets are empty…

          • @Delurking for Ohio
            Bexley, where the Governor’s mansion is located is decent real estate, and some of the larger properties outside Cols have older homes with character.

            When I was a young pup, that Toldeo area used to be hot with the yuppies. Toledo Country Day School, Franklin Park mall, Jacobsons, Churchill’s.

            CLE represents: Shaker Heights, Kelly’s Island, Catawba wine.

          • Klinger was always yearning for Toledo, Ohio, so consequently, I’ve always wanted to go there.

            Yes, I’m old.

          • This is my first post on the board, ever, though I’m a frequenter of the chat…
            WHAT’S UP OHIO CAT LADIEZ!?!
            Toledo is where it is at; I tell HollyO that ALL. THE. TIME.
            Lady Rockets FTW!
            I didn’t know there were cool Type A Haterz in my midst.

          • @Tribune: I lived in the Sylvania area (off Talmadge Rd between Laskey and Alexis) from 1978-1996, so yes, I know the “era” you are referring to..however, I think almost all the landmarks you mentioned are empty buildings now. And the Franklin Park Mall is now a “Westfield Shopping Town” were youth from all over NWO gather to loiter, fight, mug and shoot, from the last I heard. I have to go back there once a year for xmas, it’s an even more depressing pit than when I lived there…

  4. OMFG the Mark Kirk redwhiteandblue photo shoot! I just kant!

    “MOOOOOOOM, TAKE A PICTURE OF ME IN FRONT OF THE SIGN!!! NOW ONE OF ME BENDING OVER AND TOUCHING IT! MOOOOOOOOOM DO YOU LIKE MY RED WHITE AND BLUE OUTFIT???!! IT MATCHES THE SIIIIIIGN!!!!”

    • The blue suede hooves. THE BLUE SUEDE HOOVES!!!

      I need Dr. Gary and her mom to soothe me with grilled cheese and Doritos.

      • Cray.Zee. Bitch.
        Sometimes on Christmas or my birthday I’ll ask a family member to take a picture of me with the catman and I get roundly mocked and made fun of by everyone. If I dressed up in a red-white-blue suede hooves themed costume for election day and demanded a photoshoot on the sidewalk I would probably be disowned.

        • I may have embroidered a t-shirt with Obama’s campaign logo for election night. But then again, I am a lifelong Democrat for reasons other than attempts to impress my current slampiece…plus I didn’t wear it with hooves.

          And I have such a soft spot for “you would expect this to be ironic, but it’s not!!” Christmas photos. You and your catman get a thumbs up from me!

          • Haha, thanks! I’m always like, “Christmas is the first time in months I haven’t worn leggings or sweatpants and have actually put makeup on! Can I get one pretty picture a year, family members? Please?!?”

    • It’s the return of the dangling Donkey dong! (Which she subsequently photoshopped out of this shot, if I remember.)

    • She looks like a fairly well-preserved 50-something realtor in that shot. The kind of woman who humblebrags to you about how the bartender couldn’t believe she was a grandmother.

      • I always tell those type of women that they look 25. It’s a weird position to be in, when some random woman asks you to “guess how old I am?” The type that says this usually looks about their age. Yesterday, for whatever reason, some woman on the street asked me this, I said she looked 25, she said she was 42 and a grandmother. She really didn’t look older than 42 and I’m not sure why you’d be proud of having a pair of grandkids at 42. Weird.

        • I mean to say, she didn’t look *younger* than 42. Meaning that, if I had made a serious guess, I would’ve said 40-45.

          I personally think middle aged woman can be super sexy if they have their act together and are beyond juvenile BS. These are the type of women that don’t go around obsessed with “looking younger”… and they don’t seek compliments.

          • I’m 46 myself, so it’s not like I’m dissing my fellow olds so much as embarrassed for the ones who are desperately clinging to an illusion of youth instead of rocking their complexity and maturity.

            Helen Mirren, for instance, is doing it right. As is Angela Bassett. Diane Keaton. Meryl Streep. Rita Moreno. Judi Dench. So many older women celeb role models to choose from.

            The Golden Girls are so much more fun than the SATC gang.

          • These are the kinds of women that are damn hard to find unattached. That’s for dang sure.

          • I always add five years to my age just so people tell me how young I look, thinking of upping it to ten and crediting my spiritual advisor.

          • I’m an old too and I find that women who ask you to guess their age should get what they deserve: The truth.

            I have a friend who does that constantly (she’s nearly 50) and it’s horrifying.

          • Her grandkids were 3 and 1, I think. Nothing wrong with it, it’s just weird to go around talking about your age and your grandkids to complete strangers. We stopped by my fianceekitten’s family’s restaurant here in B’more because my f’cat wants a part time summer job, since she’s a teacher and the summer program at her school is AM-only. I was waiting outside and not looking to pick up a grandmother, even if she did look 25! Maybe if it was Michelle Pfeiffer, but is she even a grandmother? Does she have kids? I have no idea.

          • Huh, I guess they don’t teach you everything at… wait, where did you go to school again?

        • I’m not sure why you’d be proud of having a pair of grandkids at 42. Weird.

          So, according to you, 42-year-old grandparents should be ashamed? Exactly who is it they should be ashamed of – themselves? their kids? their grandkids?

          Maye you should look within – your snobbish attitude towards many things is certainly shameful …

          • Going around telling their personal business to complete strangers, mostly. And digging for compliments.

            I don’t think intergenerational poverty and bad decisions are something to be proud of or ashamed of. There is such a vast area in between, why jump to extremes.

            Things to be ashamed of? Racism, homophobia, ignorance, bad manners, not taking care of your kids/absentee parents, child abuse, spouse abuse, etc. Those are things to be ashamed of.

            Not graduating HS and having kids super-young is a lifestyle choice, but maybe just maybe she could’ve focused on that instead of going around asking guys how old she looks?

          • I try to ignore pretty much everything he says. I would suggest you do the same. Makes this experience a lot more pleasant.

          • RIGHT AFGHANI because anyone who has kids young is poverty-stricken, right? For instance my parents got married at age 20 and had their first kid at 22, so they must be white trash.

            Go away. Not everyone can go to Princeton. You’re an asshole.

          • Class discrimination is a form of prejudice — just own it already, cuz you’re not fooling anyone this late in the game.

          • Because you never tell strangers personal business, right Afghani? Like your occupation or your fiancee’s occupation or where you live or where you OMG went to college?

          • And you guys pick on meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee for slamming Lorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrren.

            /annoying nasal whining

          • Lol at the idea that every 40-something grandparent is experiencing “intergenerational poverty” or “bad decisions”. I would love to hear you say that to my friend M., grandmother of two and very successful business owner (with her lovely huscat) at age 46.

            I mean, I will never The Palin, but I had hoped that at least her visibility would do something to destigmatize young grandparenthood in the eyes of bougie America.

          • “Not graduating HS and having kids super-young is a lifestyle choice, but maybe just maybe she could’ve focused on that instead of going around asking guys how old she looks?”

            That literally makes no sense. I have no idea what you are trying to say there, and I don’t think you do either.

            And at least Loren is often funny. Even Matt whateverthefuck sometimes writes a good screed or two. It’s not just humblebrag humblebrag (insert offensive cliche here) like with Afghani.

          • Or DS, as the case may be. I’m not necessarily attached to the guy, but I don’t think be’s ever been acutely douchey like Beauchamp. Mildly douchey on occasion? Sure. If you’re sure that you’re never mildly douchey on the Internet, feel free to prepare your barrage of first stones.

          • Did Afghani do something horrible sometime? ‘Cause people seem to be on his jock an awful lot about relatively benign things…

            Btw, if I graduated from Princeton, I’d be damn proud as well. It’s not an easy school to go to, let alone graduate from. Work your ass off = right to be proud.

          • A few people pick and choose comments and commenters to hate on. I’m a progressive/liberal person and maybe I should edit my posts or make them clearer. I’ve learned some of this by re-reading my own posts and listening to people. I can totally see why some people on here have a certain impression of me. For my part, I can’t get all that interested in it, I just like to see what intelligent people make of Julia’s craycray. Intelligent people can disagree without lobbing ad hominem attacks. People could seek to clarify someone’s statement or challenge them on it.

            I obviously did NOT mean that every person who drops out of HS is fucked for life, nor is every young parents/grandparent promoting intergenerational poverty. I think we could, as a society, do more to help people who find themselves feeling like they have no options. I actually helped 2 HS drop outs here in B’more get documentation to get re-enrolled so they could finish HS after dropping out. It was a frustrating experience, because of all the issues that go along with a complete lack of parental financial and emotional support. It’s been 5 months and both kids have dropped out again (not formally, but they stopped going) because they had no means of financial support and their parents are substance abusers who provide no support or guidance. I tried pretty hard to change the equation, but I’m couldn’t do it. Pretty depressing, actually.

            If it makes JFA feel better to say that I hate poor people, yada yada, I’m fine with that. Maybe it makes her feel better.

  5. OT, but does anyone remember this post from about a week ago (I don’t think we’ve talked about it?): http://julia.nonsociety.com/post/5103330963
    “What I wish I were eating right now, gluten be damned!” with a picture of a pancake.

    I have to think that was an underhanded jab at the catladies over here, don’t you think?

    Just one more week of eating Pancakes! Sad.com

  6. I’m a stone’s throw from fair Coronado right now, where we lay our scene.
    From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
    Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.

  7. Was she serious about the Trump nom? Please tell me she wasn’t. Was she?? How??? Why??? I mean I knew she was a moron but this is like almost borderline mental retardation- level dumb.

    • I don’t think she ever supported him but no one with half a brain (and a Political Science degree from Georgetown) would ever think he was actually going to campaign.

      • I know she didn’t support him but did she honestly think he would get the nomination? He is not even going to really run! She’s a fool! EVERYONE knows he was not even serious.

        • Her bestie Megtard McCain wrote a serious column about McCain. Julia tried to ride her coattails and retweet about it.

          Note: I don’t mean that MM’s article should be taken seriously, but I do mean that MM intended it as such.

    • If I recall correctly, she stood behind it in her comment section. Said something about how she didn’t support him, but, hey, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Ronald Regan were elected so it could happen, right?

      You’d think someone so familiar with publicity stunts would be able to recognize one.

    • Trump is famous, wealthy, a fame whore and on TV therefore, according to Donkey logic, he is eminently qualified to be in charge of the nation.

      Despite her blathering about smarts, education etc etc, the Donald’s traits mirror her own core values and what she truly aspires to.

  8. OH HAI everybunny its mee, RollsShillsForClams! It has been a wily since I rote out what is happening to me because for a while I was dating a new boy named Jack, who in a member of a famous family (No, not the Royal Family! Youa re all so silly) who I will not name because TOP SECRET SAUCE but there name rhymes with Pain and Stain and Drain and Rain (on your wedding day, ironical).

    Anyway we had a really nice realtionshit where I stayed far away from his house at the Navy base and he would meet me for long walks under booming jets. Sometimes he had a cute little dog with him but I do not know what it was named (he didn’t either). Anyway we would go and have pancakes and waffles with lots of mapple sirup and he would eat his and then eat most of mine too (I hate pancakes) (and waffles). Then we would sneak behind the Huge Muffin Cupcake Company parking lot garbage container and have sexytimes!!!

    This went on for I don’t know, maybe four weeks, two days, ten hours and maybe 12 minutes. Okay maybe eleven minutes. But then he broke up with me because he is going to Gum. I got really drink with lots of sips and then I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried (because I felt bad) (also sick, too many sips). Then I called him (while maybe I was still drink) to talk to him and also to cry and a woman answered the phone. She said who is this and I said, who is this? And then she said I asked you first (which she did). So then I did not know what to say because maybe it was Jack’s mom (the lady sounded old, like maybe even 35) so I pretended to be Donald Duck (I do voices, hilarious, everyone says so) and said “is your refrigerator running away?” Then the lady said you did it wrong, dumb ass. Then she hung up.

    So. Does anybody have any self-help books that are mostly underlined that I could read by myself?

    • OMGLOLWTF 🙂
      “This went on for I don’t know, maybe four weeks, two days, ten hours and maybe 12 minutes. ”
      *2 thumbs up*

    • “…Going to Gum” is the new phrase that pays.

      For example, “Gee Mable, this neighborhood has really gone to Gum since that donkey moved in.” Or, “He’s gone Gum since he saw the polterwang.”

    • See, RRR, the main reason I want your feud with Loren set aside is that I fear it may sap your energy away from tours de force such as this, which makes me want to take you for long walks under booming jets.

    • I’ve read this now three times over the course of the day and each time I have made an unbecoming snorting sound over “mapple sirup.” I can’t even say why — it just slewns me.

  9. The wide-stance on full display in that pic.

    Can she even use a normal bathroom seat? I genuinely believe her to be in need of a stall.

  10. You guys! I totally forgot to tell you about my dream last night. It was Julia Allison’s wedding day. No, she wasn’t marrying Pancakes, nor his French equivalent, Crepes, nor his Jewish equivalent, Potato Pancakes. It was some faceless dude, but while the ceremony was going on the church, one of you catladies replaced the limo with, get this: a buggy!

    AND THE BUGGY WAS BEING PULLED BY A DONKEY.

    Julia lost her shit! It was hilare!

    • [img]http://www.ariege.com/baladane/img/charrette.jpg[/img]

      Love and marriage, love and marriage go together like an ass and carriage.

  11. Ahaaha! The sausage lady finally had something interesting happen! Bitch got dumped!

    So now I have to go back and see when that happened. Didn’t she just move there? I guess the novelty of banging a older chick got tired fast. Also just a guess but I don’t think he has slept with more than a handful of women. That’s why her bedroom antics made her personality tolerable for weekends only. Those sausage fingers have lots of experience for a plebe like Jack.

    I’ve been away so long I forgot my screen name. Great to see everybody still here in fine form.

    • “Also just a guess but I don’t think he has slept with more than a handful of women. That’s why her bedroom antics made her personality tolerable for weekends only.”

      I agree with that. The general consensus seems to be that Julia is tolerable, by both men and women, in very small doses. Except for Greasy, and he’s just weird.

  12. Just had to share this:

    My husband has seen me checking this site over the past few years. He always glances at my laptop and says, “Is that that horrible woman again?” He knows this is a guilty pleasure of mine but we never discuss it more than that. He just happened to look up while I had this website on my screen and said, “How’s she doing?” and I said, “Not well, she and her boyrfriend broke up,” and he said, “Horrible Woman had a boyfriend?” and I said, “Yeah, she was actually dating John McCain’s son,” and he said, “Is she mad?!” and I said, “Well, she has a psychic spiritual advisor, so…” and he winced and put his hand up like he can’t bear to hear anymore.

    • I love it, that you guys refer to her as “Horrible Woman”, makes me think of her as Wonder Woman’s stumpy step-sister.

    • That is too funny, my husband and I have had a similar conversation when he looks over my shoulder and sees a photo of JAB.

      Him: Ugh, why are you giving her site hits?
      Me: It’s not her site, it’s her hate site.
      Him: Oh, that’s fine, then.

    • Mine goes, “Oh my god, I don’t want to hear about the donkey.” And then he plugs his ears.

  13. If I were Jack, I would handle her with kid gloves until I could get her and her dog on a plane, and her pink things in a moving van.

    Can you even imagine how unsettling it must be to break things off with her? Knowing her indiscretions about prior exes, how quick she is to reveal confidences (“Jack isn’t even sure if he wants to stay in the military,” “Jake got fired because he was bipolar”), and how she will sneak off at a family BBQ to blog about your breakup – to say nothing of just her ordinary, daily crazy – Jack is getting his basic training in diffusing a bomb.

    If Julia wanted to write an actually interesting column about social media, she would write about her implicit threat of social media blackmail with her former paramours.

    • I think you’re right, RC — surely they recognize a need to diffuse negative PR in advance, & so they’re handling her w/ kid burro gloves. I do wonder though if she was ever made to sign a confidentiality agreement …

      • I can almost guarantee you she never had access to anything that would require a confidentiality agreement. This isn’t the McCain family’s first [donkey] rodeo.

    • Do you remember when Jakob posted that screed on his blog about how she wouldn’t leave him alone–even though he’d resorted to insulting her? It was amazing. She kept emailing him, calling him. I don’t know if you can find the post because I believe he removed it after his grandfather or someone told him it was too vicious.

      • Is that the one where he assigned her what he referred to as a “poopie” icon in his phone in place of a name. He said when the little smiling pile of poo showed up on his caller ID he’d look at it and think, “Poopie, you have no idea.”

        Why yes, I did get my PhDonk by cultivating an encyclopedic memory of the ramblings of fameballs. I’ll go sit in the corner now.

        Does that help?

      • I vaguely remember that. It’s pretty amazing to get to the point where your ex’s not only don’t want to talk to you, but full out can’t fucking stand you. And all this after what, less than a year of dating? Well done, Julesie. Well done.

        “Anyone who dumps you now is crazy.” The ex-alcoholic who was drinking when you dated said that so you know it’s true.

      • Didn’t Julia once say that Jakob doesn’t hate her, because he slept with her after they broke up? I think she said that in chat after she was confronted about blogging about his diagnosis. Hey former sex columnist, a person can have sex with you and still really hate you!

        • From what I remember he pretty much refuses to talk about her, which speaks to either deep-seated trauma, or profound “don’t give a shits.”

        • She did say that. She claimed they slept together after the Gawker debacle, and that he didn’t even care that she’d said what she said. I call bullshit. The e-mail refusing to buy her the MacBook Air does not read like he didn’t care.

    • Calm down. It’s just a hobby –oh wait, no. This is her serious bizness ladee job now, the one she has to do from Chicago, at least until she can glom onto some other boy for a few months and then the cycle can continue.

    • In a new world largely unregulated by social structure, it’s important that we enforce norms of respect and courtesy.

      She is such a fucking hypocrite. She can dish it out (or at least try to) but she can’t take it at all. Tarantula my ass.

        • worse: it actually is real. New low?
          Also, she really is just that stupid, isn’t she?

        • “But if no one had to come to my defense, what should I have done?”

          Ignore him? Brush it off with a ‘Pfft whatever grandpa’?

          You get lightly flamed on a message board (and frankly who hasn’t) by some codgy old timer and your first thought is: Let me ask Julia Allison for advice? GET OFF THE INTERNET.

          • In other words, this ‘online community’ and bitchy old-timer exist only in Julia’s head, unless it is super top secret spider forum.

      • That doesn’t even make sense. WTF is “social structure” in this context? I really cannot. It’s really arduous reading her columns as a lawyer, or probably anyone with half a brain, because you expect her words and phrasings to actually MEAN SOMETHING.

        Whenever I’m feeling particularly masochistic I read these columns. And I promptly want to give up on life after.

        • In all seriousness, I’ve never been able to finish any article (blog entry, whatever) written by her that had more than, say, 20 sentences. Just like I’ve never been able to watch an entire video of hers. My brain goes into the “DO NOT WANT” mode really hard everytime I try that.

          • YEah totally. I do it against all reason/to torture myself.

            And I didn’t mean to imply here that lawyers are particularly smart – just that we are very, very literal-minded – I literally, have no idea what she means by that term, because she doesn’t even know – it’s nonsense.

      • I may be spent and zonked from finals right now but that “column” doesn’t make any sense to me. Is she just answering made up reader mail now?
        I dunno if there is any relation, but Julia in the past said how much she admires Ask Amy, which runs in the WAPo. (I personally can’t stand Amy’s advice column – I find her preachy and condescending and smug and I’ll equipped to be dispensing advice.). Tarantulas, factoids about the Internet, the column is not making connect. Oh, just remembered I went to high school with miss manner’s daughter…. Now that’s useful stuff.

        • Tarantulas And Factoids About The Internet. Really tempted to change my screen name again.

          You’ve always been one of my favorite jealous bullies, Jordache.

          • Right back at you Helena, always enjoy your comments, you are a sweetheart. I’m barely alive at this point with school work so not making sense myself..
            But I did mean to type “ill equipped.”

        • Ew, Amy Alkon “Advice Goddess” She suckkksssssss

          or Amy Dickinson (better than Amy A) ?

          I like Carolyn Hax (sometimes).

        • From what I understand and vaguely remember from one of her former idiot-columns, she is trying to become a “Dear Abby” for “Social netiquette” type issues. Yeah, way to make your mark. I’m sure that’s really gonna go places.

    • LOL, it’s about bullying again, basically.

      DEAR AMY: I hate to say it, but you’re not alone in feeling confused and hurt by a comment someone made to you online. Internet communication is notorious for experiences just like the one you describe — and some that are much worse, unfortunately.

      Easy anonymity emboldens latent bullies and allows people who ordinarily wouldn’t dream of hurting others to wildly underestimate — or ignore entirely — the harmful power of their words. When you don’t have to actually see the pain on another person’s face, it’s exponentially easier to pretend what you’re saying doesn’t have any real impact. Of course, as anyone who has been on the receiving end of these comments knows, that couldn’t be further from the truth.

      Typical responses to negativity online include: anger, self-deprecation, detachment, reasoning, getting others to stand up for you, laughing, or crying about the situation. Having been in your position, I know it’s tough not to respond defensively, with anger or, frequently in my case, with tears. However, never in the history of misunderstandings — online or otherwise — has a defensive, angry retort actually helped the situation.

      I asked Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo, author of “A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness,” how to best handle situations like yours. The most common mistake? “Personalizing the insult,” Lombardo explains. “They think ‘I’m wrong, I shouldn’t have said that, I’m worthless, I’m inferior, I’m no good.'” This launches a downward spiral of what she calls “distorted thinking.”

      As counterintuitive as it sounds, you should realize that the negative comment, while technically directed at you, isn’t about you at all. “We know it has nothing to do with you as a person,” says Lombardo, “because they don’t know you as a person.”

      Whether it’s a passive-aggressive jab or a full-out ad hominem attack, those who insult others online are projecting their insecurities, jealousies, bad days or just general grumpiness onto you. “When people aren’t happy themselves, they lash out at others. They’re kicking the dog,” Lombardo says, “but they aren’t aware of how painful that is for the dog until the dog talks back.”

      My advice is to keep your response calm and polite. Being snarky is in vogue, but being earnest is much more effective. You might have replied with something like, “I was just chiming in with progress reports like everyone else. All our babies are beautiful.”

      In a new world largely unregulated by social structure, it’s important that we enforce norms of respect and courtesy. In your case, others stood up for you — good for them. If we want happy, safe, courteous online communities, we all need to stand up for one another.

      • Oh my gawd, this is the worst one yet. So when is that “Osama was killed by social media and the internet broke and my ex-boyfriend now best friend ever is in the Navy so it’s too painful for me to talk about how Osama was killed by the Navy pet seal” column coming? 2013?

        • Right?? Didn’t she fucking say she was gonna write about Osama next?

          So now this is just an advice column? Dear Donkey? Is this what her editors signed up for?

          It seems like both Jack and TMS are getting a big dose of reality right about now.

          • The second letter is so god damn lazy. It’s basically just a list of easy-to-find statistics.

          • OMG I know!!

            That was a perfect opportunity for her to talk about where social media is going in the future and how it will impact our relationships and how we do business.

            Lazy donkey.

          • Actually she said she might write about Osama this week.

            Not meaning to defend the Donk, just pointing out what an inconsistent Uber Cunt she is.

      • They think ‘I’m wrong, I shouldn’t have said that, I’m worthless, I’m inferior, I’m no good.’”

        The thing is that on the rare occasions when Donkerina’s NPDstorm lets up enough for her to have those thoughts, they’re not distorted at all–they’re accurate up to a point.

        And instead of boosting her self-esteem by creating an echochamber lovefest, she would be well served to look at how she is falling short of her goals and how she could do better.

        But it’s so typical of her to polarize the situation. It’s not like she’s the Worst Person in the World or the Best Person in the World; she’s just a person in the world. If she could hold that thought in the fog of hairspray she calls a consciousness for an hour or two, she might be able to make actual progress.

        Of course she won’t, and will continue to do her nonsense self-inflation superstition THE SECRET bullshit. But.

      • I like dogs. I dislike Julia Allison. I want to kick Julia Allison.

        • Ve haf un place in our organizay-chun for clear thinkers such as yourself. Julia is der untermensch of which we must be cleansed. Not zum poor pup-pup. JA!

      • This is my favorite part: “Typical responses to negativity online include: anger, self-deprecation, detachment, reasoning, getting others to stand up for you, laughing, or crying about the situation.”

        Hahaha. It’s a laundry list of stupid responses to something stupid. Which in turn is part of an overall column that is just a stupid response to a stupid question. Too. Much. Stupid.

        • “Typical responses to online negativity include blurred vision, difficulty maintaining balance upon standing, and thoughts of suicide. If these symptoms last more than a day consult your spiritual advisor.”

    • DEAR JULIA: Isn’t social media just a fad? — Matt

      DEAR MATT: Facebook boasts over 600 million users, Twitter 200 million and LinkedIn 100 million. Users spend 700 billion minutes on Facebook every month, Twitter disseminates 65 million tweets daily, and 80 percent of companies use LinkedIn to recruit. So, if you consider TV, cellphones, cars and electricty to be fads, then sure, social media is a fad.

      Throwing numbers out there isn’t really answering the question, Donkey. How’s Myspace doing now? Ping? YahooBuzz?
      Having a social media site doesn’t automatically equal success even for large companies (Walmart and The Hub for example).
      Who am I kidding ? Always dazzled by the quantity not the quality and with the analytical skills of a newt, that’s our donkey.

      PS you spelled electricty [sic] wrong, donkey.

      • Also good logic dickweed. If something is popular it MUST not be a fad. Genius.

      • 80 percent of companies use LinkedIn to recruit? Wha fuuuu? Citations for this bullshit stat might help, although I’m sure it came from LinkedIn’s IPO prospectus.

      • Yes! Julia is so right! Back when everyone had a slap bracelet in first grade, I tots knew that it was way too popular to be a fad.

    • There were a lot of editing mistakes in that piece.

      I am submitting the original.

      HI, JULIA: I own four tarantulas (yes, I am fucking crazy), including a baby just about a year old.

      Since I didn’t know a whole lot about owning giant spiders, having only recently goine fucking crazy, I joined an online community devoted to them. It is called EIGHT CRAZY LEGS. For the most part, everyone has been super nice (and crazy) and willing to share their extensive knowledge with a (crazy) newbie.

      In the tarantula world, it’s a Big Deal when they molt. So I posted, in the proper place, a quickie about my baby spider molting. Then I posted a shot of a normal person throwing up into their hands.

      One of the old-timers replied to my post, saying, “Sheesh, why does everyone always post when their T’s molt? They’re spiders; they molt. Get over yourselves.” I was stunned. I simply wanted to share my joy and here comes this jerk, being mean. HUGE HAIRY BEASTS STOMPING ON MY FACE.

      I have plenty of social experience, but I wasn’t quite sure how to handle this. Luckily, some other members beat me to the punch and replied to Mr. Jerky, “Take it easy! It IS exciting when we have a molt in our community!” and he apologized.

      But if no one had to come to my defense, what should I have done? — Amy C(razy ass bitch).

      DEAR AMY: I hate to say it, but AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GETITOFFGETITOFF What are you, fucking NUTS? You’re not alone in feeling confused and hurt by a comment someone made to you online but you are alone (except for your crazy friends, in wanting giant ugly furry bugs infesting your house. Internet communication is notorious for experiences just like the one you describe — and some that are much worse, unfortunately. LIKE WHEN PEOPLE COLLECT SNAKES.

      Easy anonymity emboldens latent bullies and allows people who ordinarily wouldn’t dream of hurting others to wildly underestimate — or ignore entirely — the harmful power of HUGE FUCKING SPIDERS WITH FANGS. When you don’t have to actually see the pain on another person’s face WHEN THE SPIDER BITES THEM, it’s exponentially easier to pretend what you’re saying (USUALLY aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHHHHH!!!) doesn’t have any real impact. Of course, as anyone who has been on the receiving end of these comments knows, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Those YSL Nude clompers of mine have been the last thing many a spider has seen, let me tell you.

      I asked Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo, author of “A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness,” how to best handle situations like yours. The most common mistake? “Collecting spiders,” Lombardo explains. “No normal person does this.'” This launches a downward spiral of what she calls “distorted thinking by crazy spider-collecting people.”

      Whether it’s a passive-aggressive jab or a full-out ad hominem attack, those who insult others online are projecting their insecurities, jealousies, bad days or just general grumpiness onto you. “When people aren’t happy themselves, they lash out at others. They’re kicking the dog,” Lombardo says, “but they aren’t aware of how painful that is for the dog until the dog talks back.” Which I suppose I should know something about, or would if Lily could talk. On the other hand, I have not subjected her to a bunch of eight-legged buddies all bigger than she is.

      My advice is to keep your response calm and polite. Being snarky is in vogue, but being earnest is much more effective. You might have replied with something like, “I was just chiming in with progress reports like everyone else. All our babies are beautiful. I am deeply deranged. I will now eat live eels and smile.”

      Now, if you will excuse me, I have a shower to vomit into.

      • Beautiful. Just beautiful. Your ice cream coupons and freebie city guide for a place you already live are in the mail, C.O.D.

        Namaste.

      • Not gonna lie, I read this and thought “nice, very nice, excellent work as usual, RRR.” Then I came to the line about being deeply deranged and eating live eels with a smile and then I don’t know what happened next because my face exploded.

      • The most common mistake? “Collecting spiders,” Lombardo explains.

        I somehow laughed myself into a sneezing fit over this. The situation was exacerbated by the fact that I was already sort of chuckling over the parting shot in the original, which is, and I cannot believe this saw print in any reputable publication, If we want happy, safe, courteous online communities, we all need to stand up for one another. No matter whose tarantula is molting. Profound!

        By the way, if anyone is wondering what a spider molt looks like, I found an illustrated thread on the topic after briefly googling in an attempt to find the aforementioned tarantula forum. If you have wondered what awaits you in hell, have a look-see.

        • I am the site’s resident insane hippie animal freak, so I just want to be in the minority here and say that I think molting is really cool and tarantulas get a bad rap. They very rarely bite, and in those rare cases when they do it is non-fatal. Their biggest defense is puffying up like a tough guy/taking an aggressive stance and sometimes shooting their little (harmless) hairs to scare an ‘enemy’ off.

          Also, they are soft and shy!

          I heart tarantulas, and wouldn’t mind getting one as a pet, except I’m not a big fan of ‘animal imprisonment.’ If I found out that one had built a den in my backyard, though, better believe I’d check on it regularly and I’d be ecstatic to see it molt.

          • I don’t really mind tarantulas because they’re so fat and furry. It’s the H.R. Giger-type bugs, such as the horrible Damon variegatus in that molting thread, that give me the screaming heebies with a side of jeebies. Looking at that creature, I could hear Metallica’s “The Thing That Should Not Be” playing in my head. Daddy longlegs and crane flies are also on my shit list. I might feel differently if tarantulas lived around here, though.

          • omg have you ever been to the diablo caves during tarantula mating season? I would go out of my skin, but at least I dont kill them any more. I used to scream and throw things at any spider until dead. Now I ignore them, unless they RUN at me or OVER my head (I run or leave but I still might hurl a book).

            We have a lot of animals out here. A coyote followed me & my dogs (dinner for it?) the other day and was NOT scared of me in the least.

          • Hey Bitchface … aren’t coyotes nocturnal? If one is out & about in broad daylight & not skittish of people & dogs, something w/ it ain’t right. Be careful; lock up the kittehs.

          • @bitchface — I’ve never been to the caves but I would love, love, love that! How cool!

            I dunno. I just like spiders, and pretty much all insects except roaches (fucking devil spawn) and mosquitoes (who love me.) I try to ‘dissuade’ ants, rather than kill them, even. This is coming from a girl who has bees, mantids, caterpillars and a moth tattooed in different spots on her body, and wants to add a mantis shrimp to the mix.

            I know, I’m fucking weird. What do you expect,? After all, I live in a basement.

            Daddy longlegs are also the best ever! Why oh why would you kill them? (I never kill daddy long-legs, but all other spiders get escorted out in a cup, gentle pressure around a piece of tissue paper, or carried out by hand in an emergency. Never been bit, either.)

          • I too kind of love spiders. Charlotte’s Web was my favorite book as a child. She was so radiant!!!

            And I escort them politely of the house. Although Daddy Longlegs — those fuckers are pretty agile.

          • Well, you insane spider-loving bitches are more than welcome to come to my house, which the spiders have turned into a FRIGGIN’ SPIDER SAFE HOUSE. No. Lie.

            As soon as it gets warm, it’s like a spider party all up in my hizzy. All sorts of sizes and colors and degrees of spider scariness. And of course my cats are all lazy c*nts who couldn’t be bothered with DOING THEIR JOB i.e. torturing, maiming, killing of ALL spiders.

            I run screaming like a little girl whenever I see ANY spider, yelling for the cathus to ‘come get it’.

            Now I’m no monster, and prefer the ‘kinder, gentler’ method of spider removal: trap in cup or on a magazine, escort outside (YEAH RIGHT. JUST SO THEY CAN SNEAK BACK IN LATER? I AM ON TO YOU, SPIDERS).

            However, Cathus has no patience for ‘kinder, gentler’ and prefers a more ‘straightforward’ approach: smash with shoe, magazine or whatever is within reach that can be used for full destruction, scrape remains off with paper towel, show to me for Proof of Death, flush down toilet (or put in trash, which I don’t approve of, since spider can, and probably WILL, turn into Zombie Spider, and come attack me in my sleep).

      • Sweet Jesus in Heaven! I just now looked at the original. RRR, I TOTS thought the “and here comes this jerk, being mean” line was YOURS. I laughed. It’s straight outta Jean Teasdale. And there are several other examples.

        I can’t quite believe what I’m seeing here. People who collect huge spiders without knowing much about them ask the Amazing Burro to help them cope with “a jerk being mean” who told them to get over themselves because no one cares that their tarantulas do whatever “molting” (seriously, I don’t want to know) is?????? I could just keep hitting the question mark till eternity. I don’t know, has Salvador Dalí come back to life or something?

    • spiders molting WHAT THE FUCK?!
      also: “I own four tarantulas…I didn’t know a whole lot about owning giant spiders.” THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU EMAILING JULIE FUCKING ALBERTSON!

      • Crazy spider lady saw a picture of Julia’s eyelashes and jumped to the wrong conclusion?

        • I’m a little upset you got to that joke first. Were I to actually write a post about this, that would have been the first joke I would have made.

    • Her snotty response to that second query is so typically Donkey. All it lacks is “Does that help?” as the final sentence.

    • “Easy anonymity emboldens latent bullies…” What the hell is a “latent bully?” Isn’t the nature of bullying that you are up front about it? Does she just throw $4 words in there that she pulled out of her asshole? I’m like three sentences in and I already wanna strangle someone.

    • “My advice is to keep your response calm and polite.” RIIIIIIIIIIGHT. Because anyone who has ever emailed Julia Allison knows that’s exactly how she responds.

      Fuck you, cunt.

      • Somehow when JFA calls her a cunt I don’t mind in the least, but when Matt did it I wanted to shuck him like a dead weasel. Mysterious.

        • Is JFA a lady? My feelings about ladies using the word “cunt” are similar to my feelings about black folks’ right to use the n-word if the mood strikes them. I’m not going to tell Ice Cube and Dr. Dre what to do.

          • Yes I have a vagina. And I agree about men vs. women using the term. Like I can say “bitch” but I HATE when men call women “bitches.” Also in general I hate the word cunt and only reserve it for this truly deserving such a designation. I think it’s appropos here. It really chaps my ass when she responds to something like this: “Always be civil” or whatever when I’ve personally received very fucking bitchy responses from her the few times I’ve deigned to email her because she pissed me off so badly. She’s just such a bald-faced liar.

          • You may use “cunt” with impunity so long as you are in possession of a vagina and so long as it’s used sparingly. You meet the prereqs, so cunt away!

        • I don’t love when other women use it, but I hate it beyond words when entitled misogynist douchebros use it.

          • I mean, I love it when women use “cunt” to refer to their actual cunts. I don’t love when other women use it as an insult, &c. So incoherent I am!

        • It’s cause he’s a misogynist douche and JFA is taking ownership of a word that “belongs” to the ladies.

    • I mean…if she didn’t write I fucking pity the fool who did. this is what’s wrong with the people, your feelings are hurt so you run to complain to someone? are you fucking kidding? What is wrong with telling people to grow a backbone? are we not supposed to do that anymore? Is that the perfect society? If someone says something mildly irritating to hear, we’re supposed to be hurt and offended? What the fuck is wrong with people?

    • No way that tarantula letter is real. Also, how far has she sunk that she has to address tarantula ladies now!!

      • I gotta say it: catladies >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> tarantuladies

        • This!

          Whoever wrote that tarantula letter is either a genius or truly does live in crazy town. I am leaning towards genius.

  14. I don’t get it — she curses in her columns? Yikes! What is she trying to be?!!

      • ah, I thought I was going to have to actually read all of her drivel above

        She’s working through her personal issues in her vanity blog-column. I don’t get why the editors don’t put a stop to that.

        • Not so much with syndicated–at least, back in my day, they sent you the headline and deckline along with the columns, and nobody ever bothered writing a different one unless they were truly inspired.

          Syndicated columns are like the Nutrisystem of newspapers.

  15. “ad hominem” is the new “ineffable”. she uses it EVERYWHERE. even Seriously Curious (who was in the comments the other day) used it.
    it’s another case of….SAT WORD TOURETTE SYNDROME. hide yo boys hide yo husbands and hide yo adverbs too cuz she’s taking every one out there!

  16. Oh, that poor Donkerella!

    Her crystal horseshoe shattered to pieces and no prince charming coming to the rescue and now the Donald thing exposing her utter stupidity to the world.

    I almost felt sorry for her!

  17. i just came home to some bonobos mrs. whiskers ordered me for an upcoming trip. they obviously aren’t the decorative/holiday kind – just plain light cotton spring pants, but they still brought a real distaste to my mouth when i saw the box. but damned if these aren’t some comfortable well-fitting pants. i was almost hoping they wouldn’t fit, so i could list my reason for return as “the donkey has soured me on your brand.”

  18. So what do you think the improvements to the column will be that are “better for readers!”? I can’t wait.

        • It’s funny because my sister does belong to a scrapbooking community that is a hotbed of incredible viciousness and backbiting. Every once in a while the admins clamp down on the worst of it and someone will start a spinoff blog specifically for flame wars. The main problem seems to be that the forum has been around for about nine years and so a lot of the hatred is deeply entrenched. A thread about people not properly returning shopping trolleys to the cart corral will go on for nine pages and end in at least one temporary flounce-off.

          • Sounds like my school’s old unofficial message board. Everyone these has become such trolls that hardly anyone posts anymore.

    • Damn you! I thought we agreed not to discuss May 5 on this board!

      On that day:

      – Julie would have the infamous “Wonderful meeting” with about 6 people at the Tribune building wherein she was “really excited ab our next steps, better for readers!” in regards to that shit show @Social Studies

      – The infamous “Does that help?” was used to forecast this “Wonderful meeting” as the end line to a May 4 blerg response to commenter “nycreaderr” who asked: “To write your column?” in response to Julia’s prior answer to a questioner “Technically, my primary residence will be San Diego, but I have to come back to Chicago for work purposes quite frequently.”

      – Yes, about 6 people at the Tribune building. In a meeting at 11am CST. I, at the same moment in time, could only find 5 people, 3 in NYC and 2 in Denver, to be in my meeting. Damn you Donkey, damn you.

      Humiliated, I have been, since Cinco de Mayo. Scarred, I have take Tribune 6 hanldle as a reminder that, professionally, I am no better than the Donkey.

  19. Why would she devote so much of her limited column space to such a long and stupid “question,” the point of which was basically “what do i do when someone is mean on the internet?” Such a stupid, unfunny, meandering question. Who is she writing for, YM Magazine?

  20. You guys! She’s walking Lily again and the sun is setting and there are helicopters everywhere and she’s SO SAD to leave!

    • So Sad! Her diminishing returns on her sad break up twitter broadcast has her tweeting like a jonesing lab rat pushing the lever for sympathetic returns. She needs more attention!

  21. This entire comment thread, from start to finish, is one of the funniest ones ever. Donk should do a column about how hilariously funny the comments are on many websites. Like Wonkette, for example — those fuckers are almost as funny as you fuckers are.

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