Donkey: What a Fun Date

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Months ago we heard from a commenter the true reason why Codename TK shed no tears when Donkey busted his ass and they ended things: He (and his friends) were weirded out by the braying, the narcissism, the food issues, the ButtPrint Cleanse deliveries, the barking Lilly during sexy times and the obvious mental health issues. She was good for a laugh after her departures, however, so the story goes.

And now that she has a new life goal — outlawing sugar for all the girls!– I got to thinking about just how much fun it would be to go out with Julie Albertson. If by fun, of course, I mean boiling in a vat of corn syrup.

1. No alcohol.

2. No weed.

3. No gluten.

4. No meat.

5. No sugar.

6. No working out.

7. Constant braying.

8. Crying after sex.

9. Negligent dog-owner who soon expects you to tend to the dog.

10. No real job.

11. No pride.

12. No sanity.

13. Probably no swallowing since there’s little else she’ll let go down her throat.

14. Really disturbing looking feet.

15. Fake hair.

16. False eyelashes.

17. Stage makeup.

18. Bad style.

19. Insanely stupid, misinformed opinions on every manner of current event.

20. Motherfucking crazy.

What a dream girl!

133 COMMENTS

    • Donkey actually got the tip off that Toph had a gf from the girl herself.

      Toph’s ex goes to Stanford B School, BTW. She was accepted to basically every B School that rejected Le Donk.

      • Donk actually followed through on applications? I forgot all about her B-school dreams and GMAT tutoring.

        • Beth is already at SBS this yr, so she probably already has roomies if she wants them. I kind of doubt Beth would want to “share a guy” with Julia again.

          • I couldn’t tell… & I wouldn’t put it past Julia to think that rooming arrangement would be a great (!!!) idea. Remember–Julia said that GreasyBear wants a suitemates AND dates.

  1. don’t forget: no tv (she doesn’t own one), no movies (she never goes), no music (lipdubs don’t count)

    • Only Disney music. 30-years old, iPod full of Disney songs.

    • And no tea-a-tar! “HAIR was horrible. They got nekkid and sang a song! What would my parents say if I had taken them?! Equus? Huh? What’s that? Was Jennifer Aniston in it?”

      • Haha Julia is the type who would dismiss something offbeat and reasonably profound like Equus as “weird” and act like labeling it proves that it has about as much merit or social acceptability as Taco Bell’s taco meat.

        Something I would enjoy: Donkey liveblogging her reaction to a movie like Aguirre, Wrath of God.

    • Good one! Just hideously bad taste in music. I’d honestly rather date/end up with someone that had good taste in music rather than say, lots of money for instance. Priorities.

      There is nothing whatsoever interesting or cool about her. And I think deep down, she knows it.

    • Wasn’t her last movie theatre movie “Sex and the City 2”? And she attended with her new BFF, Hipster Grifter? (Now there was a friendship for the ages.)

  2. can you imagine being the waiter pouring the chocolate sauce over that sundae?

    it’s late saturday night and you’ve been on your feet for ten hours and it’s an hour until close and you’ve gotten incredibly shitty tips tonight, and now you have to go do the bullshit with the sundae now, since we all need a SHOW and it’s sooooo very exciting to see chocolate sauce poured over a sundae. so you walk up to the table and you put the sundae in front of a moderately attractive woman, and you reach back to your tray to grab the pitcher of chocolate sauce, and when you turn back to the table, the moderately attractive woman is suddenly crouched over the table, her face mere inches from the sundae, with a spoon in her hand and her tongue stuck to the spoon, staring up at you intently with her freakish spider-lashes. and as you start to pour the chocolate sauce, she maintains her pose and barks a garbled “sthake the picthure!” to the person sitting across from her at the table.

    “god, why do I always get the table with the weirdos?” you think to yourself as you slink away from the table. and after they’ve finally cleared out, you go back to the table to see what kind of tip they’ve left, and all that’s there is an empty louis vuittion shoebox with pictures of diamond rings and tiaras and mcmansions and puffy ballgowns pasted on to it.

    • flashbacks to my serving days. well put 🙂

    • HA. I can’t imagine sitting next to the gauche bitch who whips out her camera to take flash photography in what are probably crowded, dark restaurants. Bitch, people are trying to enjoy a meal. I just do not understand people who take pictures in restaurants, either of themselves or of their food (Imma lookin at you Casey Uncultured) It’s just so rude and tacky.

      • I can only see the point of photographing the food if you’re in the industry, e.g. partners in a couple restaurants like Fred Wilson and his wife.

  3. And the constant “take my picture” demands. Especially the “take my picture while I pretend to shovel this SUGARY DESSERT into my mouth” demands, which are her main blog content.

    Jack probably appreciates #17 as his mama has been known “to plaster on the makeup like a trollop.” I wonder if Jack is as respectful of women as his father.

    • Someone always makes my point (and better) while I’m typing! Love it, CCC

    • the very first time I went to vegas, I had been in phoenix for spring break and we decided to drive to vegas for the day. we left at 6 am and got to vegas at about noon, and we went to a the mgm buffet for brunch. I was STARVING and loaded up a plate with food, and when I got back to the table, I grabbed my fork to dig in, and one of the friends I was with (who had been to vegas many times prior) was like “this is your first time in vegas! you need a picture of your first bite of vegas buffet food!” and he grabbed the camera and took a picture before I could really register what was happening.

      I look like a muppet in the picture, much like miss julia looks in every other idiotic picture she insists is taken of her consuming food. but I keep that picture as a reminder that NO ONE SHOULD EVER TAKE PICTURES OF SOMEONE WHEN THEY ARE EATING.

  4. Can you post a picture of Julia hoovering sugar with every post from now on? For someone who hates sugar so much and think it should be outlawed (and yet still eats it “one or two times a week”) she suuuure is photographed stuffing junk food into her gaping maw an awful lot.

  5. Things that would allow me to overlook the 20 flaws (at least for a couple weeks).

    1) Filthy, depraved sex I could tape.
    2) Uhm… Hmm.. Don’t worry, I’ll think of something else!

        • “I’d call you a sadomasochistic bestial necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.” – Woody Allen

    • One night stands aren’t my thing, but if I were somehow forced into bestiality with the Donkey, the kinkiest sex of my life couldn’t convince me not to shove cab fare into her hands, shove her out the door, double-bolt it, and sink to my knees in the middle of my living room, exhausted, panting, but relieved at my near-escape from insanity, immediately after I realize that she’ll never stop braying for long enough for me to trick myself into thinking I’m attracted to her for long enough to make it good sex and not just kinky sex.

    • Whoa lemme back up! I personally would never the Donkey. I was speaking as hypothetical male who had just met her. If you play the Dating game long enough you invariably meet someone who is wild in the sack and a complete fucking loon. I am proposing Donkey is one of those people. I don’t care about the “dead fish” rumors. You can’t be as tedious as her without bringing something of value to the sexual dinner table. Does not compute.

      Now that I’ve imagined her taking it up the ass sideways I’m going to go throw up.

          • Yeah for some reason my brain is processing that pic as “a double leg amputee is laying on top of a person buried upside down in the sand” rather than “beached whale”.

          • oh STFU she is not a beached whale and/or you have a very skewed version of women

            Look, I can’t stand Julia as much as the next person but this shit about her weight, other than making fun of the crap she herself posts about her asinine relationship with food and obsession with weight just makes you look like an 18 year old frat bra’

        • Oh god.. and you had to find a pic with gooey brown stuff in it too.

          I’m gonna need more showers.

      • Not everyone she’s been with thinks she’s a dead fish. I forget who said it, but one of her exes apparently said that she can be really enthusiastic about the blowjob giving.

      • [img]http://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_lksrymENpe1qz82nco1_1280.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAJ6IHWSU3BX3X7X3Q&Expires=1304811035&Signature=cPot%2B2fo0giDsH%2BjBewkNoNKQ8c%3D[/img]

        • Yeah, I probably would, too, at least before her recent weight loss and melty-face-ness. I love hips and ass on a woman.

  6. “14. Really disturbing looking feet.”

    I disagree. She has very normal-looking donkey hooves.

    • I am more keen on calling them “marshmallow knees “now. Although, I do not recall anyone describing them as “elephant knees.” I do remember, however, implying that her entire insides were made out of butter.

      • Oh I know – I just think it’s hilarious she described them that way in her ground-breaking call to action “speech(?)”

        • Right. The first person to identify them as “elephant knees” was the Donkey herself. Well, at least she appears to have some self-loathing. That gives me a small measure of hope for her.

  7. This x infinity!!!!!! If there is ANYTHING cool, fun, smart guys hate, it’s high maintenance chicks. She’s such a fucking square.

  8. Jack is Julia’s perfect victim, as all he knows is a house full of crazies. His dad is widely regarded as an abusive bully (in high school he was known as “McNasty,” in the Naval Academy he enjoyed “rolling the queers,” he’s had explosive arguments with Cindy in public, and was even overheard calling her a “trollop” and “fucking cunt.”

    Cindy’s got more issues than can be listed. To name a few: drug addiction, weight issues (according to People Mag she dropped to under 100lbs during last campaign–and is 5’7″), and like Julie, she makes up her own reality (remember when she made that bizarre statement about being her father’s only daughter at his funeral with his OTHER daughter sitting in the front row).

    Megan has the same overconfidence issue as the Donk, although she’s leagues above.

    Bridget is set to receive only half as much Hensley inheritance as the other three, I guess because she’s adopted: http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2008133552_mcwealth23.html.

    The donk-a-donk fits right in to this loony bin! Too bad they know allll about prenups.

    • Some good details about the McNasty family. Julia’s nuclear family looks saintlike in comparison, even though it contains an epically profane Donkey.

    • WOAH. what the eff about bridget’s inheritance? that seems… cruel? i can’t quite find the right word.

      • I read somewhere (probs the same article CCDD is referencing) but John McCain didn’t even want to adopt her.

        • Aww, I’ve never seen that. Only that it was initially Cindy’s idea to bring her home from Bangladesh. But not that John McCain didn’t want to adopt.

    • In Cindy’s Defence – The article does state that Bridget’s inheritance will probably increase; a certain age point, education level or marriage (maybe?).

      Thanx Cindy’s Coronado Drug Den!

      The most interesting thing is the Henley Trust breakdown. Pancakes is pulling in less than half a million. How will Julie get the Jeff Koons Lawn Diamond for the Guam compound with that?

  9. OT but Meghan wheredshego Asha is in this month’s Lucky, the “Four Girls one [insert item]” story. Found that hilar and unexpected.

  10. Presented without comment:

    [img]http://fastcache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/7/2011/05/pinktaco11d.jpg[/img]

      • Sorry to go OT.. Normally it is my better half that gets all frothy in the mouth about animal abuse but this offends me on a more intellectual level. First, wtf are you trying to sell? Tacos with a donkey? So you are saying your tacos contain donkey meat? GENIUS! Second, there is nothing funny about donkeys. Either they are carrying a load much too heavy for them, getting fucked for the amusement of frat boys, or making an ass of themselves on Twitter. Finally, I’m not sure what it is about people dyeing their pets but it gives me the stabbies.

        Whoever thought this stupid shit up can start making up for it by dyeing themselves pink and parading through a few California prisons with “Pink Taco” written on their naked body.

        • “Either they are carrying a load much too heavy for them, getting fucked for the amusement of frat boys, or making an ass of themselves on Twitter.”

          CLASSIC. And any of these three things applies perfectly to our Donkey. Perhaps the load that’s far too heavy for her is the fairly straightforward column that she’s fucking up.

    • Ha — I linked to the Gawker article about this in the previous post’s comments. Catladies think alike…

  11. Is Dadsers gay? Colorblind? Seriously what in the fuck? Where did he get this outfit? Is this shit considered festive for chicago wasps?

    [img]http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lkp5jg5pp51qz6dlko1_500.jpg[/img]

    • My favorite part of the picture is on her blergh, the caption was, “I shot this!” That’s Julia for you, inserting herself into every situation imaginable!

      I was inside!

      • She shot it with a Canon EOS REBEL T2i, an $850 camera. It’s not a stretch of the imagination to say she did not work for it. Either she bought it with a trust fund or Canon gave it to her for being a shrill asshole.

        This small fact pisses me off more than anything else this week. Fuck you Julia. Fuck you. Take your ideas about what the poor should or shouldn’t do and shove it up your entitled ass.

        • amazing that she used such a high-end camera, cause the picture doesn’t have the crisp colors that you would usually see from using an expensive camera on auto mode.

          but that’s donkey, anything her hooves touch turns to manure.

    • my first thought of this was that it’s a lovely picture of her parents, but then I noticed the powder blue suit and the lilac tie. I guess the whole family enjoys holiday theme costumes, because he certainly looks like something an easter egg puked up.

      • I too, first posted that I liked the photo, perhaps 1 or 2 postings prior to a discussion of Julia’s explicable outburst against/driven by sugar.

        But upon further review, the red wiggly worm of this photo is that Peter Baugher is smiling whilst looking down – not looking at Robin. I am going to let stay the arguments regarding his choice of fabric and suggestions of sexual pleasure preferences thereto as I am focused on the smile. Towards the grounds. Probably thinking of Raul, the OMG condo, the candles.

    • He looks like a ghey middle manager in a South American drug cartel from the mid-80s.

    • I think it is called North Shore Chic. But, yes, men of his social status, generation, and geographic location totally dress like that, and not just on Easter. It’s one reason I stay far, far away from the North Shore (which is NOT Chicago, Donks!) myself.

    • pic is kind of cute in a waspy-vacationing-in-Coral-Gables way, but the dog looks hella’ uncomfortable

    • The only think I keep looking at is the crooked ocean horizon. It a photo pet peeve of mine. Makes me think her parents are standing crooked in the actual shot. :/

      • For people with money, they really don’t take care of their stuff. That deck is in hideous condition–not just the built in benches in this shot, but I’ve noticed this in other videos and photos she’s posted.

        They also have a cheap-ass chain link fence along their property line. Maybe that fence was there from the previous house that stood on that land, but how is it they’ve never had a hedge put in front of that monstrosity?

        I could go on and on about how hideous their house is, considering it’s million-dollar-plus price tag, but probably no one else gets that enraged over it.

        • just curious – why are you choosing to respond to a comment about the photo composition with commentary about the condition of their deck/property? and also, why do you care so much?

          • because it strikes me as interesting/revealing that people with plenty of money don’t take care of their stuff. i’ve commented about the inside of their house before, how it seems so barren and lifeless. i don’t know how to relate that back to how they raised julia, but it stands out to me as a point of interest.

            the fact that a dozen other people have already commented on that weirdo photo’s composition reduces my interest in commenting on that. people have already covered the major points, IMO.

            why do i care so much? well let’s see, julia wants to take away free speech, candy bars, sugar, and so forth… yet fly all over on her parents’ dime and live her shiftless existance… and yet if you look at the place she grew up, all i see is an expensive but ill-appreciated, loveless house. tots revealing. why do you care what the fuck i care about, anyway?

          • I have to say…it’s one of the first things I noticed. I didn’t know Afgani commented on it. My brother lives in Wilmette. Not on the lake. Place is EXPENSIVE. Why the tacky fence?

          • from Winnetka here, it’s really, really cold in the winter ON the lake. Lashings of direct Arctic air make it more than hard to grow pretty princess hedges.
            Condition report on seating: bleached by sun, not shabby as stated.

          • aff – easy. i was more curious about why you chose to respond to that particular comment to make your point. and everyone here has their own opinions on why certain things about julia tick them off, i just find that to be an interesting point to get so “enraged” about, that’s all. wasn’t meant to be an attack. de gustibus non disputandum est, etc etc.

        • Unless the fence is rusting and falling apart, I think it looks fine. And the deck benches are really nice. I’m not a big fan of how the inside of their house is decorated (too cold) but they sure do have a beautiful setting.

    • I can’t stand seeing that poor dog being held aloft, his legs dangling in mid-air, with a single foreleg digging into his soft belly. His entire body weight is bearing down on his insides. She is such a goddamn thoughtless twat.

    • It’s so cute when married couples start to look alike, such as when matching trees spring from both their heads.

      • It may be that chain link is the only fencing allowed there, since it doesn’t obstruct the view & high water can pass through it.

      • To be honest, I am guessing the property abuts some public access/causeway to the lake, and the chain link fence is maybe not theirs, but the town’s. That adjacent property could be a parking lot for lake access, maybe restricted to residents. They might not have any choice in that fence, but some shrubbery might make up for it. I live uh, on the east end of LI that’s known by another name starting with H, and even some astronomical beachfront mansions abut these beach accessways/parking lots. They have to, those beaches and causeways were established a century ago. That said, even the town/village wouldn’t dream of a chain-link fence. Illinois is different I guess!
        FWIW I think the Baugher’s lakefront property is not bad, I’m not knocking it.

  12. “Look, Ma! I can almost touch my eyebrows with my eyelashes!”

  13. Well it’s been two days since she’s blogged or tweeted anything. Last we read she was headed “home.” I’m smelling that she’s been dumped and trying to figure out a way to spin it.

  14. So Taylor is no longer one of her speed-dial place but Busty surely is! Oh, how the plot thicke…. ah who cares. I am so bored of her, suddenly.

  15. JuliaAllison:
    @adorablobs – I don’t think anyone would argue (except Coke execs) that what makes America great is obesity & diabetes bc of poor nutrition.

    Because of poor nutrition, obesity & diabetes make America great? Only Coke execs would argue this? WHAT??? Wow, she really is an idiot. Okay then. Can’t wait for the recap of Donkey’s fireside chat w/ Mrs. Nutterworth, beer distributor exec, about alcohol consumption also lending to onset of diabetes — won’t Cindy be so thrilled to hear that a donkey taking up residence in her condo advocates the shuttering of all the evil suppliers of bad nutrition?

    • I AM ARGUNG THAT DIABEETUS MAKES US A GREAT NATION BCUZ I AM A COCAINE EXECYOOTIVE.

      😉 sorry for yelling.

  16. Here we go, she’s quitting the internet again.

    juliaallison: Contemplating a social media experiment where I go off twitter/FB/tumblr for a while. I’ve been thinking about doing this for some time now.

    Oh, she’s already started quitting, did you notice? She feels so much better now.

    juliaallison: I’ve actually been weaning myself off of all three platforms for the last month or so. I feel better. We’ll see. I just need a change.

    But of course she can’t really quit.

    juliaallison: That said, this “social media break” won’t stop my obligations for @SocialStudies, or re-tweeting relevant articles on occasion.

    Guess Pancakes wasn’t impressed with her twitter war. Going to the store for more popcorn now!

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