Julie Albertson: The Queen of Melodrama

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All this sighing and fretting about her great love and her terrible, dreadful fears regarding Pancakes McCain! Where are the smelling salts, Miss Scarlett?

Let’s look back at some other melodramatic spewings about every other other tool who’s been stupid enough to date her over the past two years. Two years, people! And each time, she’d found her one and only!

On Harvard Harley in the spring/summer of 2009:

Can you procrastinate your destiny? Hmm.

Um … @MaryRambin? July 18th may have come a little early this year. :) (!!!!!)

And here’s some Triple A melodrama, apparently about BootyCall, whom she was making clear she was banging via her Twitter, apparently to make HH jealous but then she developed “feelings” for him. We heard, by the way, that this was an old hookup who was engaged at the time of their reacquaintance, though haven’t been able to confirm that. If so, engagements and weddings are sacred, people! Unless the groom-to-be is someone Donkey has set her sights on!

Behold this cheese, from August ’09:

Even with a new beginning, it’s still hard to accept an end.

The funny thing about falling in love … It always seems to happen when you least expect it. And with the last person you’d imagine.

I just don’t understand why God has to treat my life like a particularly cheesy soap opera. I’m tired. Can we cut to a commercial please?

And then there was this little exchange in the very same month with Billow, her BFF whom we rarely ever hear about anymore, about yet another guy, Codename TK to be exact. Does the melodramatic language sound familiar??

Me: [Finishes long story about new boy I just started seeing in LA. I like him so much I can’t think straight, and am more or less not acting rationally.]

Rachel: Hmm. It *is* a bit fast.

Me: Yeah, we’ve both lost our minds over this.

[pause]

Me: But, you know, in my defense, at least I’m self-aware! So I give myself credit for that.

Rachel: Well, that may very well be the only credit you get!

[laughter]

Hahaha! So funny! And cheesy!

Which brings us, painfully, to the post-breakup Prom King period. You know, the guy she said she didn’t love until he dumped her, and then she loved him so very very much, and had a complete breakdown and could barely stand to carry on without him. Oh God, do I have to? This was a year ago, by the way. That’s right, 12 months. OK, here goes:

But I’m also proud to report I have taken down all framed photos/stuck to fridge photos of Prom King, which I considered removing last week, but, because I am clearly out to torture myself, did not.  Julia – 1, Masochistic Tendencies = 0!

Despite my joking, it was not a joyful occasion, and I would be lying if I were to tell you I’m not wearing a necklace he gave me.  And I would be lying further if I told you that I had taken it off at all in the week since we broke up.

But. That’s neither here nor there. One sad little step at a time, right?

Lady, get some help. You think you’ve found THE ONE every fucking time you date someone. All you want is attention and to be fawned over and coddled by a bunch of Internet strangers for some reason that has never made any sense to me. Only a therapist will help you figure out why you are so mental about all men, not just Pancakes McCain, and why you think it’s appropriate to air your insanity to the Internet. In the meantime, shut the fuck up.

76 COMMENTS

  1. The wierd thing to me is she is all melodramatic after she’s been very gunshy. Like with Prom King she didn’t love him, yadda yadda. Now with the Pancakes Express, she keeps saying how hard it is to be in a relationship with him, how she hates having to think about him or be a team with him.

    • It’s all posturing for reasons only she can understand. She only wants them when they don’t want her.

      • I just don’t get it! She can’t even pretend to kiss his ass??? Not even for a little while? Why not?

        I know, I know: stop expecting JA to make sense beyond her sad hamster-wheeling. but damn.

        #golddiggerfail

      • Indeed. And Jack, like every outfit Julia wears, is just off the mark.

        Yes, he has a famous last name, but his dad is now a political punchline, not a revered statesman. He isn’t a national treasure, he is the man who brought Sarah Palin into the spotlight. He argues against gay rights loudly and proudly, while his wife and daughter try to distance themselves. He is a sure-fire laugh getter on John Stewart.

        Jack is in the Navy, and while that is admirable, Julia doesn’t want your admiration. She wants your jealousy and envy. Jack just doesn’t inspire jealousy and envy. He is a short bro who, by all reports, not the coldest beer in the fridge. He is cute, but not hot, he has a career in a field that is far aflung from Julia’ s desired social circle, and most importantly, no one would envy Julia for dating him.

        She is laying the foundation for the inevitable “he loved me more than I loved him” exit. Jack McCain will be added to the very dubious list of exes, and Julia will drop his name for the next twenty years.

    • The Julia in My Life does this very same thing with every guy she dates.

      Stage one: “… Umm, I kinda like this guy!”

      Stage two: “Is the guy blowing me off? I think he is blowing me off. Why is he blowing me off?”

      Stage three: “He isn’t blowing me off, haha! Why am I so crazy? Haha! We have an awesome date planned for later this week. We are going hunting. What do you mean ‘animal rights?’ A girl changes, Marge.”

      Stage four: “Umm, we had an awesome date, but he is MOVING TOO FAST! Why do guys always move too fast? I don’t know how to give up independent meeeee!”

      Stage four and a half (usually the same day as stage four): “I could totally marry this guy and have babies! I want babies. I was looking at wedding dresses, just because, you know. I totally cried at this Pampers commercial earlier. So what do you know about Catholicism?”

      Stage five: “Is it wrong that I am angry at dude because he will not submit to ridiculous demands? What do you mean I should talk to him? If he doesn’t know, I’m not going to tell him. I think I might go out for drinks with this guy I haven’t seen since high school.”

      Stage six: “Oh my god, that dude from high school totally jammed his tongue down my throat! I told him I had a boyfriend. I love my boyfriend! This is so terrible!”

      Stage seven: *sob, sob*”Dude and I broke up. I don’t understand it… we were talking about marriage. I’m going out with dude from high school later to cry about the recent ex; want to come? What do you mean you have to work in the morning? You’re so fucking selfish.”

      Stage eight: “Oh my god, what is wrong with my ex? I mean, I told him we could be friends, so why does he have to act all crazy and, like, tell me he can’t do that? I must have really broke his heart… um, I really like guy from high school.”

      Sometimes stages repeat. There tend to be at least three cycles of stage two and four, and stage four and a half never actually goes away, it just flares up. Stage four and a half really just ought to be called “everyday operating procedure.” The baby-wedding countdown stalls for no man, or absence of man.

        • Ha that was excellent. And I could totally see her Tweet crowdsourcing something like, “So what do you know about Catholicism? What’s the deal?”

    • I know!! The part about not taking off the necklace is sooooo fucking juvenile. OMG, just give him his class ring and varsity jacket back, Julia!!

    • Ah, the sincerity comes shining through despite the obstructive chiclet veneers: “It’th thicth thirty-thicth on Wendthday…I’m embaratthed to admit thith, becauthe for the longetht time I din’t feel like thith…it’th tharting to get to me: I’m tired of being thingle.”

      And interesting choice of authenticity costume — Vegas-showgirl-worthy false lashes combined with a rockabilly/hipster ironically rolled-sleeve black tee.

      She’s actually become more boring since those days. Maybe she’s growing up after all? Nah; probably the latest cray-fest has just started brewing.

    • [img]http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lka9w5qmdD1qz82nco1_500.jpg[/img]

      • EWWWWW! Stating the obvious…Julia Allison is, was, and always will be a raging asshole. The disgusting pink fluffy thing hanging on the wall in the background just adds to the insanity.

  2. She is really pissing me off lately. I am currently going through a really rough breakup with my long-term boyfriend who I’ve lived with for the past two years because he’s suffering from severe depression and I haven’t whined all over my twitter and facebook about it, well ok so I’m doing it here, but still.

    She has no freaking idea what it is to love someone, care about them and wish you could help them when you can’t. She has no idea what it takes to make a real relationship work and her “OMGee it’s so hard to be in a relationship where he’s rich and loves me and I have zero responsibilities” posturing is disgusting.

    Everyone and everything in her life is disposable to her or fodder for her imaginary audience of tiny and cute people and it makes me sick!

    • I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My guy suffers from depression, too. Not severe – it’s controlled through meds – but enough to affect day-to-day life in trying and unpredictable ways. I’m sorry that he struggles with trying to be well and that you’ve struggled to hold everything together.

      I couldn’t be more in agreement with you about the effort it takes to nurture a relationship. She cares only about how circumstances affect her. It’s infuriating.

      • Thanks who. I really didn’t mean to blah and make it all about me for a second.
        I’m glad that you and your guy are getting through it. How does your guy find the meds? The main worry that my ex has about them is side effects.

        • Without getting too personal (though I am effectively anonymous , I feel weird telling his story), he doesn’t really have serious side effects. He feels less creative, which is a bummer because he’s a writer. He still has panic attacks ranging in severity, usually in the very early mornings, but isn’t willing to do more with meds to control them.

          He’s currently on a relatively low dose of…of course I’m blanking…celexa? It’s made enormous improvements in his well-being, though. Early in our relationship, he was unmedicated AND unemployed and basically found it impossible to get out of bed. When he could he walked around feeling deeply, deeply, sorry for himself. It was heartbreaking. Now he gets down and tends to overreact to things that regularly bother him, but I feel like we’ve been able to figure out how to get through those moments and be understanding of one another. (But don’t get me wrong; we still get into unbearable silent treatment fights that I think are all my fault but end up being about something unrelated that he happens to take out on me.)

          • Thanks for sharing. Interestingly enough my cat is also a writer and the lack of creativity or “dullness” of the senses that sometimes comes from being on meds is what worries him the most.

            But I guess being able to function somewhat normally is worth the side effects of the medication.

            I’m being optimistic that he’ll get through this and we’ll still be on good terms and in each other’s lives even if we aren’t “together” for a while.

          • Whatever happens, I wish you the best. We catladies (and catdudes) are here for support.

          • These are not uncommon problems with guys, it’s just that we don’t like to admit them. I’ve been down both the panic attack and depression roads before. I had a really bad spring/summer about 6 years ago when I had panic attacks at least once a week for 5 or 6 months. I wasn’t in a relationship at the time (had just gotten out of a relationship, which was about 1/3 of the reason for the anxiety attacks and depression). It would be really tough to be in a relationship during that, knowing that you could be bringing someone else down. I was “young, dumb, and full of cum” (to use a Julia-ism) and didn’t inquire into medication because I thought it would act only as a crutch/mask the symptoms and not solve the underlying problems.

            It must be really stressful to be with someone in that situation. Probably feels like there is nothing you can do. Is there anyone else in his life who could help out?

    • “Everyone and everything in her life is disposable to her or fodder for her imaginary audience of tiny and cute people and it makes me sick!”

      FF, most accurate thing I’ve heard about her in a long time.

      • “her imaginary audience of tiny and cute people” cracks me up. You just know that’s what she wishes. Instead she gets obese hater catladies and gents crunching cheetos into the pretty pink carpet.

    • The second I saw that article today I knew they would mention her… good thing she never drinks.

    • The post is an example of why I don’t read Gawker anymore…the vodka is NOT CUPCAKE FLAVORED and the blogger could’ve learned this by like, clicking a link and finding out. It’s a silly vineyard in Santa Barbara that calls itself Cupcake and decided to branch into vodka and name different “normal” vodkas after kinds of cupcakes to be cutesy. I don’t particularly care about the subject matter but I think it’s ridiculous that Gawker has gone so far downhill that its bloggers don’t even check what they’re writing about.

      Still, I approve of the wink and nod.

  3. Julia calls herself a writer which is patently false except in one way: she has no talent, but she DOES understand how to set up a story line. Real writers try (mostly in vain) to not set up story lines in their real lives; it’s the reason so many are boring or unassuming. The rest are the worst people on earth, after painters. Julie can’t actually write but she does understand how narrative unfolds over time — thus her grandparents were the lucky protagonists in a great romance, during a great era. She does the same thing with her parents, but changes the costumes and background. As many men as she meets and considers possible foils in her drama, that’s how many of these tweets and posts we’ll get, because every single one might be the launching-off point of the ongoing lie she will both live and tell her children. That she has said it repeatedly means nothing. Audiences are fickle, and they forget, and they die. The internet isn’t forever no matter what anyone says. Each time is the only time, when you’re a writer.*

    *Julia, honey, you aren’t. Take a nap, exploit your privilege. It won’t always be there.

  4. This is the truest sentence she has ever written:

    I just don’t understand why God has to treat my life like a particularly cheesy soap opera.

    once you understand that, for Donkerina, “God” and “I” are synonyms.

    You know who could help you understand that, Joolzballz? A THERAPIST.

    • God has nothing better to do, Julia. Really, He’s just bored and fucking with you, He gets a giggle at your relationship disasters that are totally not your fault. Let’s face it, there’s not a lot going on in the world, it’s kind of boring, so God thought jazzing up your dating life might break the monotony.

    • ostensibly! unmitigated! affected self-deprecation!

      her SWTS* is giving me Cankleshausen. must vom in the shower now!
      *SAT word Tourette Syndrome

      ps. I also love that julie uses the phrase “Amplification and aggregation.” you can almost see her using it in the “fuck you money” video… instead of “my job is based on presentation and perception”, “my job is based on amplification and aggregation”, aka braying and reblogging shit from the glitter guide.

      pps. i don’t think real writers use the words “barf”, “er”, “oops”, and “ugh” multiple times in their column.

      • At least she calls herself out on it. And then in true Donkey style mistakenly assumes she has mended her ways.

      • I also don’t think real journalists pull quotes from their dads.

        TWAG is actually a youth LGBT group (Teens Who Are Gay.) I’m sure they’ll appreciate the mention; they just launched that throw-pillow decorating service, after all.

    • what is the point of Social Media Julie having a column that doesn’t even accept comments?? pathetic

    • Stop trying to make “twagging,” “SMBs,” and “twillax” happen, Donkey. They are never going to happen.

    • well it’s good to know she’s changed her humblebragging ways and has turned to whining about her relationship insecurities. So that’s better, right?

  5. I just discovered this site after a long time away from tracking donkey and it is fucking incredible.

    I actually encountered the donkey during the height of her 2008 reign in san francisco. she made cheesy jokes and talked about putting foundation on her tits.

  6. Isn’t it about time for The Donk to release a sex tape? She is getting rather stale, and heck, it worked for Paris, Kim K and Dustin Diamond…

    • we need a julia/dustin diamond photoshop. sending my wishes out into the ether…. 😉

    • A. she doesn’t close her gaping maw the entire time the woman is discussing the champagne.
      B. so rude! donkey doesnt even try to ACT like she’s interested in what the woman is saying. because its not about her she just kind of dimly smiles, mouth agape and is probably thinking “i wonder if this suit makes me look fat? did i put on enough makeup? maybe i should have worn pearls.”

    • is there special bray amplification setting on those canon cameras they send julia, because damn that girl can heehaw like no other.

    • She’s just holding her mouth open waiting to say something, so she’ll be ready as soon as something hysterical pops into her dumb brain.

    • That is a LOT of make up to be wearing into a hot tub. What is WRONG with her?! She looks like a plastic bunny — so tacky, so out of place.

    • Two things:

      1) Who is the third person in the hot tub, taking the video? There are three glasses. Was there a tour guide to document? (Produce the douchumentation?)

      2) She really sounds like a pack a day smoker of 20 years. How is her voice so raspy and husky at that age?

      • You know how sometimes the day after you’ve been to a club, your voice is scratchy and throaty from having spent the night shouting to be heard over the music? Julia talks that loud all the time, every day of her life.

  7. So when is Donkey singing Guamifornication?

    Side note, I do not think its Donkey putting on the brakes here..it might be that Pancakes finally found his ‘balls’..

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