Julia Allison: Oh, Those Pillow-Biters!

As I’m making my parents’ guest room bed w SEVEN throw pillows, I realize I have never – not once – met a straight man with a throw pillow.

Actually, if you ask straight men why expensive odd shaped extraneous lumps are even ON your bed, he will stare blankly at you, perplexed.

Those silly faggots and their extraneous decorative items! It amazes me how she’s got me and every other homogenous homosexual pegged (up the butt)! None of us have any masculine tendencies at all, because we were all too busy decorating houses, making mini quiches, styling hair and throwing theme parties. We are just like ladies, except more glittery and magical! Trying on our mothers’ fancy dresses and heels as little nelly prissy boys gave us magical gay powers for interior design. And we all prance around our homes in our kimonos at night, sipping appletinis and figuring out where to put those hundreds of Jonathan Adler pillows  we bought online and getting boners because shiny and textured fabrics make us hard. She has us all figured out. I am so glad she recognizes us, the lisping, ascot-wearing, cock-gobbling ass pumpers of the world, as the silly exaggerated caricatures that we are. It makes us feel so much better about being second-class citizens who should only speak when something bitchy or sassy must be said. I am almost embarrassed that she knows us so well. I’d take my throw pillows off the bed in shame, but my wrists aren’t firm enough to lift them!

OMGFUCKYOUSOGODDAMNFUCKINGMUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

99 COMMENTS

  1. First!! Also, fuck off, Julia, with your horrifically insensitive generalizations and stereotypes. You are so embarrassing.

    • Hi Julia, the pillows are there to prop your ass up higher to make cunnilingus easier for your partner.

      Sorry you didn’t know that.

  2. Actually, if you ask straight men why expensive odd shaped extraneous lumps are even ON your bed, he will stare blankly at you, perplexed.

    If YOU put them there, why would you need to ask the homogenous straight man WHY the pillow is there? IDIOT.

    Her narrow minded world view cuts both ways. She is dating a jock commando asshole so ALL het men are like that?! I don’t think so.

    People need pillows, bitch. Shit just isn’t comfortable without them. I know lots of men familiar with the concept of pillows.

    Also, there was an AMAZE-BALLZ PBS documentary on the Stone Wall rebellion tonight. Julie needs to spend some quality time watching real educational material — NOT Hollywood military dramz.

    Her world view is pretty much a monocle of Julie.

    • Where does she come up with this crap? Seriously? Sure, my cathusband might be a little perplexed by the concept of an eyelash curler (and I totally see where he’s coming from with that), but he’s never been like “duuuuuuuuuurrrrr what is that soft round thing on the bed?????????” Now would he go out to Bed Bath and Beyond with the intention of putting together a hotel-style throw pillow arrangement? Probably not, but that doesn’t mean the concept of throw pillows is completely lost on him.

    • Sigh.

      My very manly, geeky boyfriend knows what throw pillows are, and…wait for it…

      HE HELPS ME PICK THEM OUT

      Because one of his interests is – gasp – interior design, and he likes making sure his house is attractively furnished and decorated according to his taste.

      He also dresses almost exclusively in short sleeved button ups, polos and jeans, with pumas or ancient birkenstocks, can stare in fascination at a spec sheet for hours and enjoys cycling, F1 racing, and firearms.

      Stereotype that, bunny!

      • Whoa, that was eerie. With the exception of firearms, your description fits to a T that of a man I used to date (who builds high-dollar spec homes & learned, among other things like landscaping & irrigation, the skill of interior decorating, so as to DIH & avoid the expense & hassle of additional subcontractors).

        Donkey just needs to face the fact that the men she’s intimate w/ obvs don’t have an innate taste for things pleasing to the eye.

      • If he wasn’t already married (and save for the Birkenstocks), I would absolutely think you’re dating my ex-boyfriend. Wow.

      • Yeah, not the same profile, but my man routinely reminds me i can’t home decorate for shit and that his aesthetic sense is much more developed than mine in this respect. He is intractable on this score.

        He taught me how to sew and is constantly helping me with my grooming (apparently i am walking lint trap).

        The dude is beer drinking, record listening to boob fiend.

        So i think it’s just that Julie is currently dating an adventuring macho asshole that is warping her world view. (I am sure the Eater guy has heard of pillows before. )

        That and the fact she has no gay friends outside of paid stylists.

        Julie — there is a whole wide spectrum of geigh out there — many of whom don’t care about pillows. Just thought you should know!

        • I agree about Jack being a macho asshole. Whenever Donkey posts pictures of him sitting in or driving his car, he clenches his jaw and looks like he’s got a hard-on. Guys who get hard-ons because of their car are creepy.

          • Seems like he suffers from a bit of wee man syndrome – massively overcompensating in the faux macho department to make up for his small stature. His stupid “classic” Porsche isn’t even authentic. It’s a replica car.

          • That and all his tastes veer towards Indiana Jones/war movies/loud cars/jumping out of planes.

            How lame!

            If he were not an OMGMcCain there is NO WAY Julie would let that near her.

            No wonder why she is dissembling!!

          • It seems like she’s really looking into the abyss for golddiggers that don’t have unlimited options for the first time and, if this was a novel or screen play, this could be compelling material because it would force the main protagonist to confront who she really is, what she really wants from life and what compromises she is willing to make. It would even go as far as her questioning her previous goals, considering the price she’d have to pay, but since we’re talking about Julia, she’ll most likely be content with a few moments of twitter angst and then rush to close the deal. Sad.com.

  3. Everyone, feel free to relax. Hetero men don’t like throw pillows because they prefer these:
    [img]http://www.gizmodiva.com/entry_images/1009/20/Vagina_Pillow.jpg[/img]

  4. jeebus, dude! She watched Sex & the City and found all the answers to Life.

    BTW she tots stole that line from that dumb movie where Jennifer Aniston was some Polly hippie (read: unbelievable) chick

    • OT, but if I’m thinking of the same movie (Keener was in it too?), I liked that Aniston was un-stereotyped, IE: not the glam girl, but rather a stoner house cleaner instead. I doubt that stoner was much of a stretch for her.

      • bf’s talking about Along Came Polly, you’re talking about Friends With Money.

        I like Jennifer Aniston. And I am not ashamed to say it.

        • Friends With Money was surprisingly good. Isn’t that the one where a depressed Frances McDormand (GOD-LIKE) won’t wash her hair because it’s too tiring to lift her arms in the shower? I feel like that quite often.

          • (Thx NYNY!)

            Frances McDormand is one of my faves (her & Sandra Clarkson) – I do remember that about one of her characters, & even though I forget more about movies than I remember, I think you’re correct.

          • yes my vid link above was from Along Came Polly where she plays this carefree hippie chick (character was not believable) and the tirade about uselessness of throw pillows on a bed

            Of course that movie was in what, 2004?

          • Friends With Money really was good, and probably the only Aniston movie I’ve liked. She was good in it.

          • Nicole Holofcener ( writer/ director of Friends with Money) is the SHIT! She pretty much discovered Cathleen Keener and she makes great films- See Please Give and Lovely and Amazing!

    • How dare JP not giggle at Julie’s sparkly witticism and be complicit in his own oppression! Who does he think he is?!

    • I find that quip of hers- future gay son- far more chilling than anything to do with pillows. Has she discussed it with Flapjack?

  5. What a moron. It’s no wonder Julia doesn’t have any gay friends. for such a cartoon, she can’t even get camp right.

  6. I think Julia might be the Star Jones of the internet. She genuinely believes people want to see her on TV and that she’s compelling and is upset when they don’t think so.

  7. OT: Just watched a news blurb on tv about the two middle-school girls who committed suicide at a slumber party (very sad!) because they were bullied … wondering if Donkey will address this in her ongoing journalistic endeavor to protect all the girls

    Or is she still wanting all of the U.S.A. to kill themselves over a NYT bestseller list?

      • Oh. I didn’t bother yesterday to see what he’d tweeted that she was responding to, when I fixated on her use of ‘we’.

        • I was too embarrassed for her to go and look at what she was fucking talking about. Of course, once again, he ignored her, right? How many time does this dame have to Tweet a celebrity and be utterly ignored before she stops Tweeting celebrities?

  8. OT for the post subject, but this tweet…
    “Sometimes my parents’ dog runs down the hall w such urgency that I genuinely wonder if he believes himself to be late to an important event.”

    who talks like that? really? Is it a dissociative thing where she has a British personality that comes out once in a while?

    just… really?

    • I fucking know. Hey, pretentious tool. Try this:

      “Sometimes my parents’ dog runs down the hall with such urgency that I genuinely wonder if he thinks he’s late for an important date.”

        • Yes! She so often adds “genuinely” to her sentences when the word just isn’t needed. She believes that using more words, not less, will cover up how dumb she is.

          • “Genuinely” “truthfully” “literally” = tells of the highest order. Mostly they are telling of her desperation to be something she isn’t. That being, smart.

      • You know you’re repugnant when even the dog pretends to be busy, whenever you try to interact with him.

        • THIS. Also, Donkey is so used to pretend meetings (or “me-eatings”) that she assumes everyone has them. Even dogs!

    • She thinks the dog is the rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, because she is a 30-year-old loon.

    • Yo, raft ass — Langdon is merely trying to outrun your braying.

      p.s.
      DONKEY!

    • It sounds like it’s from those standardized test sections where you have to figure out how to simplify the sentence tbh.

  9. I don’t know a single gay man who has odd-shaped extraneous lumps on his bed, expensive or otherwise. What a completely stupid turn of phrase, by the way. Can’t she find some GOOD lines to plagiarize?

    I did get a laugh out of thinking how SimpleJack is probably knee-deep in lumps right now, given Lillydog’s penchant for shitting indoors. If so, I hope Mama McCain sends Julia the cleaning bill.

  10. But of COURSE this commenter’s name begins w/ a “K” (isn’t that the tell to Donkey’s imaginary friends?) … *dynamic career* is good for a belly laugh …

    However, you came into this relationship with your own blessing – a loving family, great friends, a dynamic career etc – and these will continue to sustain you outside of romantic interests.

    • I can assure the commenter/voice in J-Blah’s head: there is nothing romantic about her intere$t$.

        • She’s fishing for reassurance. Could it be that the fire has cooled just a tad for Jack since spending those two loooooonnnngg weeks with her?

          All these comments about how unsure she is, how scared and apprehensive and confused? Yeah. Read: Jack, goddammit, reply to my texts!”

          Now she’s planning him a big birthday bash. I wonder if he’ll show up.

          • It seemed more like 8 or 9 days than 2 weeks. This whore can’t even get her dates right.

            Heavy specifics are indicative of lies/desperation at the root of the story.

          • I don’t know…I think Jack’s more in to this relationship than Donkey is. And I also think that he’s a simpleton. He reminds me a lot of his sister, Meghan, even the way he looks.

          • Relationships are HARD when you have to be in the same place!! Jack seemed so much nicer when he was living on the other side of the country from Donks and she could project whatever male fantasy she had at the time on to him.

  11. B the W, WHY is Donkey stabled at her parents house anyway? Is she that big of a baby that she need to run home to Mom$er for some home-cooked vegan chicken broth, or did Dad$er’s just call dibs on the OMG! DOWNTOWN CONDO! today?

    • Ja, Poppy es “initiating” zum of ze new “interns”, yes? Ve zink zey may be boyce and not gerlz. Bah.

  12. Dear JABa,
    Remember when you staged a cutesy pose beside a big Mark Kirk election poster and bragged to the web about how he’s your former employer and close family friend?
    And you even posted another picture of your personal support for him via the polling booth. Remember?
    As you well know, according to your dear friend Mr. Kirk, in his role as your representative, gays don’t and shouldn’t qualify as equal citizens in this fine country of diminutive helicopter pilots and patriotic cheerleader outfits. So maybe shut-up now. You spoke loud and clear with your vote. Enough said. Damage done.

    • She’s still at Mama McCain’s House of Pain with Flyboy Flapjacks.

    • Now that the happy couple technically lives together, at least for 6 days out of the month, Lilly has a home. I really, really hope it’s a nice home for her.

  13. From back in the day:
    http://vimeo.com/325746

    Note that J calls her out on her posing and general fakery any time the camera is pointed at her. She also approves of him feeling more “manly” when he “pays for stuff” (she forces the question on him, of course).

    • Ugh; I had never seen that. She is so smug and self-adoring there that I found myself wishing throughout for the train to come barreling in just as she lost her balance on the edge of the platform from flipping her pelts around so maniacally.

      And I can sort of see the appeal of Jakob as noted by various catladies previously.

  14. OT: So I finally read the 9-page article Julie is referring to here in this tweet:

    “Sugar is Hella Toxic – NYT – http://nyti.ms/fnOnfc – no more cupcakes for me!!
    19 Apr via Echofon ”

    This is such a perfect example of how she “processes” all those articles she “reads” in NYT, the Economist, the Atlantic, etc. She doesn’t.

    The article gives lots of different viewpoints, a history of sugar and HFCS, overview of different studies, etc. The author concludes that there are good arguments on both sides of the debate and doesn’t come to a conclusion. I’ve never cross-checked anything she’s reacted to, but this shows that she is even less legitimate as a journalist (*snort* is that even possible?) than previously thought. You are a columnist, you react to certain columns on twitter…but you don’t even read the thing you’re so adamanatly reacting to? Oh come on.

    • Um, constantly refreshing your email, twitter and facebook page is time consuming! Relax!!

  15. My huscat actually hates my throw pillows. But that’s because he’s an asshole about that, not because of his straight straight straightiness.

    • My bf was like, “What?! You’re spending $90 on pillows for the couch?!” and i was all like, “SHUT THE FUCK UP I’LL SPEND MY MONEY HOW I WANT!”

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