Custodian Of Her Memories: Six-Word Memoirs

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While the Donkey’s away, the haters will bray head over to Dr. Gary’s basement for a sammich and some archived reblogging goodness!


Julia Allison, “writer”, wanted to pen something pithy for a collection of six-word memoirs. You know, a la Hemingway. And the best she came up with was a sad Carrie 2.0 reference.

The catladies brought the lulz in an epic thread, showcasing their vast vocabularies and literary stylings. Here are a select few of the hundreds (literally!) of outstanding “memoirs”.

“An endless search for a loophole.”

“My imaginary tiara goes with everything.”

“Dan’s getting chemo. LOVE my chaise!”

“I work hard for the granny.”

“But enough about you.”

“Restraining order? He still loves me!”

“Finger banging all my sponsors away.”

“Will fauxga for ride on jet”

“Look upon lifecast, exes, and despair.”

Bonus recent addition:

“She Meant It – at the Time”

Original posts, July 16, 2009:

Julia Allison: Sparse Writer, Perfect Medium

Six Words, Endless Opportunities for Snark

83 COMMENTS

  1. YOU GUYS.

    I had my first Julia Allison dream! I was in my mother’s basement writing rude things all over the walls, as is my wont, when I became aware of the fact that Julia was behind me being interviewed. Naturally I started writing rude things about her (not THAT rude—she was, after all, right behind me) when she tapped me on the shoulder and asked “would you mind continuing to write those things and I can stand in front of them while I do my interview?”

    I said sure, and thought “now’s the chance to make a point she won’t forget!” She started talking to the cameraman about how “this is the kind of criticism that I face on a daily basis” while behind her I started writing: “Julia, if you improve your content people won’t be so mad at you,” but I was using a Crayola (labeled ‘pistachio’) (although it looked more like mint chocolate chip) and I hit a grease stain and the crayon refused to leave a mark after the “p” in “improve.” So Julia gave me a ball point pen but that didn’t work either so I turned the “p” into a big drawing of a bunny rabbit with a big smile with fangs.

    Then the fax machine beeped and I was so excited because my winning poetry entry was coming through! At least, although I hadn’t been mentioned as a winner, I thought perhaps they hadn’t released the info so it would be a special snowflake surprise. But the winning entry was a short story by someone named Arabella Ostercloth titled “The Steel Cut Irish Oatmeal of My Heart.”

    “Those are the breaks, I guess,” Julia said. “Better luck next time. Hey, can I have my pen back?”

    She left and then I became aware that there was another person in the basement. It was either Ralph Macchio circa 1987 or a radical feminist lesbian who looked just like him. I woke up screaming at that point.

      • I really want to read that Ostercloth story — do you know where I can get a copy?

        Also, you should probably lay off the Ambien for a few days.

        • [img]http://farm1.static.flickr.com/191/508507168_2fa146a7fb.jpg[/img]

    • No one except for Jacy noticed my dream about her the other night where she was a tutu’d midget and crushed 12 foot long Mary to death and the Chinese Buried Army came along singing “Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it’s off to work we go.”

      *sniff* None of you catbitches notices me. Meeeee! IT’S ALL ABOUT MEE-EEEEE!

  2. ALL ABOARD THE TRAIN TO CUCKOOVILLE

    Mom was ***; I was inside

    I don’t know what wonderkind means

    6th Word in the queue

    I have celiac disease, except not

    Crazed fan stole my password, looks

    I am not Jack McCain’s lawyer

    Costumes on outisde, empty on inside

    I cry from bullying, never guilt

    Where’s that Macbook Air you promised?

          • Regarding fashion week among other things, when she is supposed to cover something but it is not done in a relatively timely manner, she says things are in the queue, instead of admitting that she is unprofessional and lazy. The joke is that the 6th word is forthcoming. . . and then it never shows up.

  3. Randi, want a stick of gum?

    I can’t speak for Mary (bitch).

    What’s that rotten smell? Where’s Lily?

    Brit, your nose looks perfectly fine.

  4. Braying shilldebeast — my liecast on Non-Society

    Aspired to fame — underwhelmed the world

    Adieu FU$; Hello Jack $. McCain

    My ring finger likes your family

    Dating FlapJack: “This too shall pass”

    Wiping my ass with a thesaurus ….

    Six words? I hate word counts!

    • “Six words? I hate word counts!”

      +

      Cutting baby’s feet off, tiny! cute!

    • I can’t take credit for it, but “Strunked on White’s grave”, and still under the word count!

  5. Catlady PSA: I learned something interesting at a talk earlier today. The cyberpolice exist, in South Korea. Basically, any website there that gets over 100k visitors and has comments or a bulletin board has to use “real name” authentication, meaning commenters need to verify their identities by credit card, SSN (equivalent) or other means, before commenting. This law came about due to the suicide death of some celeb, allegedly because of cyberbullying. Now, anyone who feels defamed by online comments can go to a judge to get the identity of the commenter revealed (the real name is not necessarily used in comments, but the username can be traced to the real person through a database). Then they can sue that person. This system has apparently been used to stifle some criticism of the government (censorship), but they claim cyberbullying has decreased. (I’m guessing they don’t have any Perez Hilton types in S. Korea?)

    Solution: move to South Korea, Julia Allison!

    informative links:
    http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2008/oct/09/news.internet
    http://www.popularfront.com/posts/internet-real-name-system/
    http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/asia/article2005592.ece
    http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/news/biz/2011/01/123_32121.html
    http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/infolaw/2007/07/02/piercing-the-veil-of-anonymous-bloggers/

    • The solution would be for her to move to North Korea, where she would no longer be the craziest or most self-absorbed person.

    • Does Julie even get close to having 100k visitors? Moving to South Korea probably wouldn’t make a difference.

  6. Nu tweet: “My new proposed slogan for this lovely country –> Sweden: Not Just IKEA & Meatballs”.

    But definitely Volvos, amirite?
    Get to work on your proposal then, Donks! I want Don Draper to personally throw you out of his office after pitching your braindead stereotypes, and embarrassing America. Seriously, what is witty or cute about that?

    • What fuck. I want to make a lolcat with the caption “i can institooshanelies donkee nao!?” but pictures of cats wearing lab coats are hard to find.

      • This was indeed intended to be a reply to NorseHorse, but my reasons for intending to do this are now ineffable and obscanture.

      • [img]http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2011/3/31/06218708-08d0-464a-8a08-4b09ee3bff3d.jpg[/img]

    • Bob, off topic, but I just saw your question about bamboo being invasive the other day (in a GOMI thread). Bamboo is indeed invasive in a lot of places–check with your regional environmental department or horticultural society. If this is for a place in CT, it’s definitely invasive and there are far, far better plants to grow as a perennial loose border/hedge. If it’s for the place in Mexico, I really have no idea, but bamboo is invasive in a lot of places. Here in MD, people plant it when they’re in a hurry to get a privacy hedge, but they don’t anticipate the way it roots and grows out of control. Something like Leyland Cypress or Canadian Hemlock is a much better choice.

        • Leyland cypress, my friend. A lot of web forums have opinions and tips. They’re really easy to grow and achieve good sizes fairly quickly. 2 or 3 of these will cover a LOT of ground if you don’t trim back into a hedge. Will tolerate almost any soil, compact, well drained, poorly drained, etc. Mostly unbothered by urban/suburban pollution. Can be pruned into a high, thick hedge/windbreak. If you prune the right time of the year, you can avoid cankers fairly easily. Only place you can’t grow them is in direct shade–they need at least a few hrs of sunlight a day.

          I’m kind of a troll for leyland cypress. We used them to landscape my parents’ rental properties bc they are low maintenance and hardy, so don’t take my word for it, get a 2nd opinon.

          • Are they hard to plant? We need to plant some shrubs per order of the town to break up a long expanse of cedar stockade fence..what’s a good size to start with?

  7. paging cuntbunnies, shark photoshopping needed stat!

    [img]http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lixxdeBlNp1qz6dlko1_400.jpg[/img]

    • This one is from the old thread, but it goes along with bow-legged:

      My knees are in two zipcodes.

  8. I am getting very fat in Sweden. Um…did you know they have insanely good food here?? I’ve worn stretch pants THE ENTIRE WEEK for a reason!
    1 minute ago via web

    My new proposed slogan for this lovely country –> Sweden: Not Just IKEA & Meatballs
    less than 5 seconds ago via web

    Here’s the thing! My family is from Sweden, but I’ve never been to Sweden. I like Swedish food (e.g., fish, lingonberries, pea soup, pancakes, open-faced sandwiches, liquorice, and meatballs), but I never crave it in the same way that I crave Mexican or Italian food. I often wonder if Swedish food is actually amazing (I doubt it), and my limited exposure is to blame for my poor opinion of it.

    Anyway, Julia is apparently loving Swedish food. Julia, tell me more! My brain is a sponge. This is why she fails at blogging and sponsorships. Maybe she has been crash-dieting to the point that any solid food tastes like ambrosia, because why do I never see any Swedish restaurants (except for meatballs at Ikea)?

    • The food here is INSANELY delicious – I had NO idea. I actually love the mackerel and the heavy salt 😉 My mom and I are going to have to roll ourselves home!

      She is right about one thing, from the pictures she’s definitely plumped up like an orca. Paging Shamoolia. However, I don’t think its from eating mackerel. I was raised eating sardines out of a can on crackers and mackerel is tough for me to stomach. Only the fucking Inuit, Swedes and polar bears like to eat that fish and I feel really bad for whoever the fuck hired that braying orca. Her blatant attempts to nonchalantly drop “Swedish” culture into her tweets and blog is painful (just like her writing).

      You know what taste good with muffins? Cod liver oil…mmmmmmmm.

      • Swedish food is relatively bland. And “traditional” Swedish food isn’t that prevalent. She’s off her rocker.

    • What is she holding up to her nose in the second pic? It looks like a lump of donkey poop.

    • I hope she includes Sweden, hot tub, x amount of sips of champagne on her drinking spread-sheet!!

      • No joke, I grabbed a pamphlet from the doc’s office “how to cut down on your drinking” – #reformedproudlush – and I thought it would be something like a bulleted tip list, but it actually advises to “keep a diary of your drinking”. To a T with Julie – # of drinks, type of drinks, place consumed (which she leaves out, but goes on to say many were on dates, reminding me of that time she had a martini in front of her on a date with PK and made sure to point out that she wasn’t drinking it). I don’t think her keeping track is so much anal-retentive as it is a means of shaming herself into NOT drinking. I also don’t believe she keeps track of caffeine consumption, and I have a hard time believing she’d keep track of both of these over the amount of sugar she consumes – that is, beyond her “pity me, um, er, oops” confessionals on her liecast and twitter. The more that comes out the more I suspect closet alkieness. You have the persistent “never drink” (with obvious evidence to the contrary having been presented) turning into “rarely drink” with the iPhone notations coming out of absolutely nowhere, the commenter that said she was a heavy drinker and frequently smell-it-on-her-breath drink on the occasions he/she spoke to her (despite her never reading here maybe that outing was the necessary push for the random post, who knows) and the fact that she can’t help but lie about everything and anything. Legalese would be something like: “If I drink somewhere that isn’t a restaurant, on a date, on vacation, at an event, at a party, [insert additional socially acceptable situations here], it doesn’t count.” Read: her many homes. None of it would surprise me because for as much as Julie lies to the world, she probably lies to herself more than anyone ele.

    • Are her and Momser having a romantic interlude, WTF? Eating oysters, drinking, ‘sham’ pagne? Black Swan anyone?

  9. Wow, she’s in full stage makeup in these pics.

    Kind of OT, but I have very little sympathy for Momsers after seeing some of her pics with Julia in Sweden. Methinks she may be just as nutty as her daughter.

  10. @raywert @webmarc It’s true. Arianna emailed me a wk ago to take over @Japolipnik. I reluctantly said yes. $$, fame & power = irresistible

    @Japolipnik? I Kant.

    • considering all the editors quit Jalopnik over the AOL takeover and that JA cannot spell or use grammar properly this lasts less than one month. That also means JA’s TMS column did not sell enough to lats..whooopsie..

      So why would JA taunt the editors that left over the AOL problems? Is she fucking clueless?

    • She’s an idiot. Jalopnik is part of Gawker Media not AOL. That’s Autoblog you dim bulb. Autoblog is AOL/Arianna. And, as one of the fired from that merger, screw you for even joking about it you self-involved mulleted donkey.

  11. Was Only A Dick Eight Times.

    Aww. Those old posts made me nostalgic. What ever happened to Total Jing, Goodnight Wangs, Dyspeptic, Squirrel Bait, Bunny Bingo, Narcissist Headband, Dahling, Noncomplimentary Grapefruit … are some of you guys just commenting under different names now?

Comments are closed.