Julia Allison Looks Rough, Has “Rough Launch” Date

This my favorite birthcray pic. It’s a testament as to why Julia Allison should not wear white after never-in-a-billion-years.

It’s like she’s wearing diaper long Johns, and the diaper is full.

Anywho, did you know that Julia Allison had a column? A column on social media? She was braying about its enormous syndicated success all over her 17 Twitter accounts.

Oh. . . wait. No she wasn’t.

Richard Hartman: What happened to your new column? Wasn’t it supposed to launch yesterday?

juliaallison:That was a rough launch date!

That’s funny, because I consider a “rough launch” as a launch that crashed and burned. Much like Julia Allison’s career!

Yes, according to Google, who knows everything, only one newspaper has picked up her dribble: The Oakland Tribune.

The Chicago Tribune, newspaper of her “So Super Awesome, She Fell in Love With it Once She Ran Out of Options” hometown and flagship publication of the Tribune Media empire, of which her syndicate, Tribune Media Services is part, didn’t feel that their readers were dying to learn about horizontal scrolling, ex-boyfriend stalking and how to quash free speech.

Rough launch, indeed.

As someone who works in PR, I can guarantee you that a massive campaign that happened earlier this month would not have happened for a “soft launch,” which is the correct term.

It amazes me how she is completely incapable of admitting failure.  Dude, no one liked your crap. Just admit it, and work on something else. Enough with the PR speak. It’s exhausting, and it’s showing up in your rough, busted up face.


  1. Also that’s a prop cookie right? Since she’s gluten free and all and it’s a Samoa. Right? Anyone? Crickets?

    I like how everyone else in the picture looks natural and relaxed and she looks like she’s made of wax. So happy, so blessed. So…Michael Jackson-ish.

    • yep, according to her comments, she was just ‘holding it,’ she didn’t eat it.

      “here, have this cookie. I just put my mangy fingers all over it so I could take a picture, the chocolate is all melted all over my fingers but otherwise it’s still fine for you to eat!”

  2. JP, my cats and I are cofuzzled. In that longer paragraph in the middle, you seem to be suggesting that The Chicago Tribune has picked up Donkey’s column. Is this true, or did one of us just have too much catnip?

      • Don’t worry, JP, we all think you deserve Franzia no matter what day of the week it is.

        P.S. On behalf of the Bay Area, I’d like to apologize for being the only thing between Donkey’s column and immediate and utter failure. I’m ashamed and won’t leave my basement tomorrow in penance.

        • Let’s boycott!

          Wait… seriously… the population of Oakland that actually can read probably doesn’t read the Tribune anyways, and the comprehension level of those who do is probably perfectly suited for JA’s fifth-grade book report writing style.

        • Tots: there are a fair number of North Africans in Oakland. If we’re extremely lucky, they will take umbrage at the extreme shittiness that is Julia’s column about the political goings-on there.

        • Tots mcwhateverthefrock your name is, that is such a shitty thing to say. In fact, you have revealed yourself to be as snotty as Julia herself, not to mention classist, racist, and – while we’re at it – nativist. Does hating on Julia’s writing really require you to mow everyone else down with insults? Or does she just supply a convenient excuse for you to spew some pretty sick bile? Either way, thanks but no thanks.

        • Agreed: tots mcakez, implying that people in Oakland either can’t or don’t want to read is offensive, to say the least. I’m really hoping that I somehow misconstrued what you were saying (bc I have never gotten this tone from your previous comments). I just don’t get how a community’s purported literacy problems would be funny (even for bottom-of-barrel Julia allison snark).

          Ps: Not Tryin to start a cat fight, just uncomfortable not saying something .

        • Regarding Donkeys Have Expiration Dates’ comment: All of the North Africans will immediately become her Facebook friends and offer to send her free shoes.

    • No. I think he is suggesting that they did NOT pick it up…

      Which is fucking hilarious.

      But then again, i have read her ‘writing’ and can’t say i am surprised!

      • “Writing” such as this?

        “For the record, I am obsessed with the stuff ever since they gave it away in our gift bags at fashion week.”

        No bunny, I think you mean that you HAVE BEEN obsessed with it for, oh say, two weeks now?

        • OMG! I know. And i finally caught one of her ‘that’/’which’ fuck ups.

          How does she not know!!!

          I’ll admit english grammar is totally intuitive for me at this point as i am not employed professionally as a writer. However!! If one reads material of any substance, it is pretty easy to keep on top of.

          Her ‘writing’ is a blight on all Americans.

  3. Also, she is reduced to hanging around with high school friends and randos she never brought out for air when she thought she was fancy.

    She has no friends from college and no friends from now.

    Can anyone imagine her posing with these ‘common’ folk and Greasy ex-boyfriends last year?

    Didn’t think so.

    All the ‘names’ were there for Randi.

    PS. I think this way of living one’s life is bullshit, but we all know Ms. High Status Markers is all over this shit.

    • You should be ashamed of yourself! Taylor is her BEST FRIEND, Jack McCain is her BOYFRIEND, Randi is a ZUCKERBERG, but she would be BEST FRIENDS with her even if she weren’t! Just relax, it’s not that serious!

      • I’m picturing Julia standing on the deck of the Titanic, indignantly saying, “RELAX, it’s not that serious!”

        • Or tweeting a twitpic of her shoving her tits in Gaddafi’s face and with a tweet of “Relax, it’s not that serious. Chill. Out.”

        • I think somebody already called this some time ago, but also Julia as Kevin Bacon in Animal House, saying “Remain Calm!” before being trampled by fleeing masses.

          Julia is totally Mrs. Wormer, and, dear catlaydeez, I am proud to say that when our powers combine, we constitute an Animal House.

    • I’m trying to imagine inviting random friends and sports teammates from high school to my 30th birthday party. It’s making me sad 🙁

      • This!

        It’s super cool if folks scored many lifelong friendships out of high school, but is that really the rule? I don’t think so.

        I have 1 BFF i knew from HS age, but i met him the summer before college. Other people from that time of life are still people i want to know and keep up with, but super awesome hang buddies? No. Flying anywhere to attend Birthcrays? NOPE! The vast majority? Keep the fuck away!

        That she has to fly in HS debate partners this year when she would have never done so in NYC is fucking unacceptable!

        • I don’t think it’s particularly weird to stay close with high-school friends; I hated high school and keep in touch with only two of my old classmates, but I’m not going to judge anyone who had a good time. What IS weird is having friends from high school and very few friends from any point thereafter.

        • Expert Gay, I don’t think it’s weird to stay in touch with people from high school either, my three BFFs are my high school friends. With Donks, it just seems like she has NO real friends from the past ten years of her life so she invited random high school acquaintances to her 30th birthcray just so she’d have someone there for her.

  4. She doesn’t have Ceiling Cats Disease, that’s just her AssBaugher flaring up again, as she proves yet again that she was raised in a barn & is incapable of utilizing furniture like a normal human being.

  5. insidebayarea.com…more like insedBRAYarea.com pada-pshhhhhh!
    nyuck nyuck nyuck!
    I’ll be here all week, don’t forget to tip the waitresses!

  6. Hilarious that suddenly this is just a “rough opening.” I’m sure that if you asked her the day before yesterday, she would (rightly) tell you that this opening is the real thing, baby. I thought that she might be finally admit failure now, but I should have known better. She won’t admit failure even when she’s fired in the near future.

    Username up for grabs: Julia’s Rough Opening
    (double entendre intended)

  7. Julia finally, FINALLY has a Sassy Gay Friend! *Squee!

    Highlarious aside: The T-Mobile commercial with the Julia look alike is what played before the video came on. Ha!

    • JP, yesterday I was watching Alfred Hitchcock Presents on hulu and the T-Mobile commercial came on. I paused it and studied her, and came to this conclusion: I 100% look more like that young woman than does JA, even though there is not one single thing about me that looks like that young woman. I’m STILL more similar to her. I’m twenty years her senior, thirty pounds her heavier, my hair and face are a disaster. But Julia isn’t on the same planet as T-Mobile girl.

      • There’s one girl on Twitter (mirthful something) who keeps braying about Julesy being the chick in the ad and though I’ve sent her the link to an interview with the real actress twice, she still can’t get it through her dome that it’s not JBraysalot. Then again, it could be one of her seven thousand twitter accounts. Either way, it’s driving me insane that someone is giving her credit she most definitely does not deserve and obviously has yet to gracefully deny.

    • Why the Tribune columnist and Sassy Gay Friend even managed to get in an obnoxious plug for BPC, here called Mio. Way to go, Jusie! “Mio?” “Yes,” said the future Mrs. Flapjacks McCain, “but spelled me-o!”

  8. Oooooooooooooh nooooooo she didn’t.

    The real test of a relationship is how you handle a Bed, Bath & Beyond trip together. about 1 hour ago via Echofon

    • Ha! Haha! That’s so funny.

      Goddamnit. She is hideously unfunny. Please someone put a sock in her mouth or something. I fucking can’t.

    • Yes, Julia. You haven’t had a relationship that’s lasted more than six months since 2006, even though you’ve been on a Bicoastal Husband Hunt since then, so you are more than qualified about “the test of a real relationship.”

      No, not money troubles! Not sustained long-distance! Not illness! Not years and years together as partners! A trip to Bed Bath and Beyond where you bray down the aisles while Flapjacks does his squinty creep smile!

      • On the topic of Julia feigning wisdom, check out her journalism advice tweet to an earnest young SDSU communications major.

    • Another attempt at humor falls flat, and trust me, she doesn’t even comprehend that no one finds this funny. Flapjacks Family Circus, indeed.

    • Vom, she is picturing Sarah Jessica Parker pecking at her laptop as the voiceover intones, “The real test of a relationship is how you handle…’ etc ad nauseam.

  9. So funny, because I know nothing about PR/media sorts of terms, so I just assumed this was a rare moment of honesty for our Julesie, and that she was hoping her readers would perhaps commiserate with her, as in, “That was a ROUGH opening.” Like, poor me, what a rough day!

    Of course, I should have assumed that she was making up some sort of half-assed excuse to cover up the truth and defend her own mediocrity yet again. Way to live up to expectations, Julia.

  10. Did you see the list of spackle that she had on her face at her party?

    1. Jill Stuart eye shadow gel – yes, GEL – color: “13 Antique Chiffon.” For the record, I am obsessed with the stuff ever since they gave it away in our gift bags at fashion week.
    2. MAC lipglass – color “pink poodle.” 3) Stila illuminating tinted moisturizer, shade 01.
    3. Chanel Pro Lumiere foundation – shade 20 (best foundation I’ve ever used).
    4. NARS bronzer in Laguna, applied with …
    5. the fatter, larger “complexion” brush (#53), from Sephora.
    6. the secret to “great skin” is the foundation being applied evenly – so when a makeup artist insisted I try this Sephora round brush (#45 mineral powder) to apply it – I reluctantly agreed, but it worked like a charm. I’ll never go back!
    7. Chanel pressed powder – shade “20 Clair.”
    8. Chanel concealer in 10 and finally …
    9. Tarte giant lip crayon in “Envy” for the base of my lips. Whew!

    • That’s not even everything! She left out: liquid eyeliner, brow pencil, mascara, fake eyelashes, pink blush and probably some kind of highlighter.

      Also, using heavy foundation with concealer AND pressed powder? That shizz is crazy. If you use a full coverage foundation, you use it sparingly and you just add a light dusting of loose powder. Christ. No wonder she looks like a fucking Real Doll.

      • and that foundation goes on over tinted moisturizer! why does one need moisturizer that is tinted if you’re putting on foundation over it?

        like someone above said, it must be gross to touch her face. I have an aversion to liquid foundation to begin with, but the thought of four layers of makeup all over the face makes me queasy. LITERALLY, not even in a joking ‘vom in the shower’ way!

      • I was so confused by that list of things. I don’t even know what half those things are. At this rate, I’ll never snag my pretty pretty prince or live to see my expiration date.

    • All the things she forgot to mention:

  11. I really think she must have pissed off all of her friends at last year’s birthcray. None of the meghans or the silly chick who lives in chicago (rbillow?) came this year or seemed even halfway interested in coming this year. I really would like to know what happened last yer. Too bad Jordache seems to not wanna divulge.

    You guys seem to think grown people shouldn’t be throwing bday parties, but you best believe I am having a shindig for my 30th. It’s so strange nobody would show for her 30th though.

  12. OT, but I just had a sad about this:

    my kitty Tucker just died (peacefully and naturally). he was 17 and the most wonderful little furry fellow ever. i will miss him.
    41 minutes ago via web

    (Please don’t judge me for reading KatrinaBishPlz’s Twitter…)

  13. Slightly OT, but I can’t find the Donk wiki…. can someone please explain Julia’s vagina skin tags? Is this a real thing? Please say no…

  14. So, Donkey love Chicago (Kind of, not really, but there’s nothing better right now. Just like all her other relationships.), but Chicago is saying there just not into Donkey.
    Ohhhh, it’s just like Prom King all over again.

  15. @jason_pontin – Out of curiosity – do you think there are international social media/tech stories which haven’t yet been told?
    6:33 PM Feb 24th via web in reply to jason_pontin

    Just asked @Jason_Pontin, but now I’ll ask you: do you think there are international social media/tech stories which haven’t yet been told?
    6:34 PM Feb 24th via web

    Working on my international column and packing to send a huge fed ex box of summer clothes to San Diego … where they will live. 🙂
    7:06 PM Feb 24th via web

    Then, @PlusTeeJay tweeted that he didn’t believe she had an “international column”, and she wrote,

    @PlusTeeJay – I’m looking forward to your apologies when you find out that I’m not lying. 🙂 You can email them to Julia@NonSociety.com
    7:34 PM Feb 24th via web in reply to PlusTeeJay

    Although I’ll spend the flight polishing my column on international social media – thanks to @sarahcuda for fascinating interview last eve!
    7:44 AM Feb 25th via Echofon

    …and after all that braying about her “international column”, the most she can give us is “rough opening”? Yeah, because it reads like crap.

    By the way, have you noticed that the TMS page posts the articles as pdfs and doesn’t allow comments? Hmmm…

    Notice also that her article has changed; the one posted as Sample 4 on the TMS page, http://media.tmsfeatures.com/documents/TMS-social-studies-sample4.pdf is not the same as the one posted on the Oakland Trib page , http://www.insidebayarea.com/oaklandtribune/ci_17521432 — wonder why? Did TMS realize everyone and their mother had written about this five weeks ago?

    Finally, there’s nothing “international” about the column at all! (Other than the profound statement, “Not a single area in our world — socially, politically, or economically — hasn’t been touched by the digital revolution, and we’ve all had “issues” arise as a result.” Yeah, I came to that realization in 2002. Thanks.)

    So her “international column” was supposed to launch nationwide on 3/1, except it didn’t launch on 3/1; it didn’t launch nationwide; and the column has nothing to do with international anything.

    You can’t script this any better.

    • I think she deliberately used the phrase “international column,” which implies that it’s intended for international news outlets. When in fact, she was just asked to write about international affairs. And by that, I mean copying-and-pasting from the New York Times.

    • Ha — I just realized that this was “Sample 1”, which was “for release March 1, 2011”. The next two are for release 3/8 and 3/15. So if my math is right, her article about Egypt should be out 3/22, just about two months after the fact. Brilliant.

      *If they wanted an article about international effects of social media for 3/22, why the rush to finish it on 2/25? If the earlier articles were “samples”, why are they now running as “real” articles. Does anyone have a download of Sample1 from when it was posted? Did it always say “For release March 1, 2011”?

        • Hey! I never noticed your handle before, but it’s a good one. Very clever, –EVER– !

      • Her chatty tone here makes me want to puke, or as we say around here: vom in shower.
        “Or at least that’s the . . . well, the romantic version, told and retold by journalists eager to seize upon the meme
        of Revolutions 2.0. (Did you hear about the Egyptian man who named his baby girl “Facebook”? I’m sure you
        did. Everyone did. And everyone was relieved, on the baby’s behalf, that she was not named “Google.”) So
        technology will save the day! Bring us your poor, your disenfranchised, your illiterate, and we shall teach them to
        blog, and — wait . . . they can’t read? Hmm. They can probably still tweet.”

        • It that something she actually wrote in a column? Because the Google comment was something that someone replied to her twitter-slap tweet (another term she lifted from someone else). He tweeted something to her like “Just be glad they didn’t name it Google!”

        • That’s the hallmark if someone who can’t write.

          “I speak well, so I’ll just write how I speak!”

          WRONG, DONKEY! Writing is a craft, and one that requires work, practice and intelligence. Someone’s writing is a window into their soul, and expected your writing reveals an empty idiot.


          P.S. Donkey!

  16. Delurking but have read religiously for years. This is driving me nuts. No way this column is happening… Why would an “editor” put her on a deadline and then not run a column… Print is time sensitive… If supposed “international column” had to be in before her stupid f’ing self indulgent tahoe trip, then why would it now be sat on to get stale and no longer timely or relevant. She’s a terrible writer and whatever she’s been submitting is obviously so subpar they don’t know what else to do. And she’s not a social media expert- she’s not a social anything… Oh it’s driving me insane to read her act as though she’s a person who’s opinion is in demand and has commitments all over the us… She’s a couch surfing mooch.

    Why is

    • I’m mystified at why any paper would pick up a column that basically repeats the timely work and insights provided by a competitor. Maybe Oakland didn’t read ahead to her “international”column, but what self-respecting paper would run that?
      “Here’s Julia Allison reguritating what the NY Times already said a month or so ago about this topic.”

      • Exactly this. Fucking PBS already aired that show 2 weeks ago honey — and we are talking time-based tv journalism here, not as immediate as print can be.

        What a failure.

  17. I initially read “Rough Lunch” Date and am still recovering from the terrifying turn my imagination took after that.

  18. Funny how quickly she changed her story. She said in a post last week that she canceled her trip to San Diego because Jack had to study and she was busy with the launch of her column.

    “So, Jack booked a ticket for me to come visit him in San Diego, starting Tuesday. But my editors emailed me Monday, asking for a new column. I felt it was only responsible to move my flight to Thursday so I could work on the column. I didn’t ask Jack whether he would mind – I know he understands that this is an important time for my career, especially with the launch this Tuesday, March 1st. Plus, he checked into a new squadron this Tuesday, so things have been really tough on him, too.”

  19. Drivel, not dribble.

    Well, it *could* be dribble, and that would be tots gross, but I think you meant drivel.

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