Donkey’s Long-Distance Relationship “Advice” Chock Full o’ Lies

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Oh boy. In response to a hilarious “reader e-mail” (wouldn’t a normal person excise the “you look radiant” part of the e-mail if the point of the post was simply to provide long-distance relationship advice?), Donkey has provided a long spew of laughable advice filled with mischaracterizations about most of her relationships. And really, who wouldn’t seek advice from a 30-year-old woman who hasn’t managed to make a relationship last beyond a couple of months for several years?

Anyway, my remarks in red.

Hello there!  So I got this email today from a lovely reader who asked me if I had tips for LDRs, given that I’m really – unexpectedly – happy (or at least not UNhappy) with the distance between Jack and me.  Below I wrote a few of my tips, but I wonder – what has worked for those of you who have successfully maintained long distance relationships?

From: [redacted]
Date: February 20, 2011 5:45:25 PM CST
To: julia@nonsociety.com
Subject: long distance help!

hi julia!

first off- you look so radiant and it makes me smile because I can tell you’re SO happy, which is why I’m emailing. So. Very. Radiant. Despite the approaching expiration date!!

I recently started dating someone long distance- he is so sweet and perfect and gives me everything my ex close distance (cheating) boyfriend didn’t.

but it’s very hard to keep up this long distance lifestyle- and you seem to be doing it wonderfully (and gracefully) so I was hoping you could offer some pointers!

xoxo
[redacted]

It’s funny – I actually stopped my five month (non-exclusive) relationship with Daniel (“Hipster Lawyer”) back in January 2010 because of the “distance issue.” Uhhhh, actually no, according to our tipsters. You thought he was a lousy lay and not in your league in terms of physical attractiveness, or at least that’s what you told several of your friends.

He lived in Chicago, I lived in New York, and I thought it would be much easier to date Justin (“Prom King”), who lived just 10 minutes from me (*actually, I basically moved in with him).  Moved in with him? You crashed his place for a couple of weeks and allowed your parents to set up shop there as well at one point as though you owned the place, something that did not endear you any further to him.

I had just tried the whole long distance thing from July – Oct 2009 with Toph (“Code Name TK”), who lived in LA, and after three or four months, I felt the distance really hindered any chance at a normal relationship, so I suppose I was a bit apprehensive about the whole thing. Bwahahaha!!! Does she honestly not remember that she posted her entire breakdown when she was alerted that he had a girlfriend? Their breakup had nothing to do with long-distance — it had to do with him just not being into her and having an actual, real girlfriend who did not embarrass his ass daily.

But things were different by the time I started dating Taylor (“SF Boy”) who, um, lives in SF (duh), in the late summer of 2010 – because I had finally realized that with my travel schedule, EVERYONE is long distance.  Even if a guy lived next door to me in Chicago, I’m in another city (or three other cities!) 2-3 weeks of the month.  Plus, who knows where I even want to end up, location wise?  I could happily move to San Francisco or LA or even stay here in Chicago.

Once I accepted that as a fact, long distance didn’t become such an issue anymore – and oddly, I started realizing there were some unexpected benefits. (Who knew??!) Mostly, it left me with lots of time on my hands so that I could obsessively pursue another guy who came from more money and a way more famous family!

Keep in mind, I don’t think this is an ideal permanent state for any relationship, but I do believe that there can be unintended positive effects from having your partner in a different city, depending upon:

  1. your personalities (you MUST have a mature and trustworthy partner or this will NOT work) Which is why it never works for you, dumbass.
  2. how creative/flexible/communicative you can be
  3. how motivated you are to make sure the relationship succeeds

Here are a few of my keys to successful LDRs, even though I have never had one:

  1. A very wise, very beautiful girl friend of mine, in a four-plus year LDR, once told me the secret to her successful relationship: “always know the exact date of when you’ll see each other next – before you get on the plane to leave.”  I absolutely agree with her.  In my LDRs which didn’t work out, in other words, all of them, we never knew when we would see each other next (maybe next week, maybe next month?).  With Jack, we plan in advance.  We’ve never left each other without knowing the next time – or two or three times – we would visit each other, down to the dates. There’s something psychologically soothing about being able to count down the days to your next in-person rendezvous.
  2. Use all of the technological tools God & Steve Jobs have given us.  I had a LDR my freshman year of college (with Dan, my HS boyfriend), and it was filled with total and utter angst about phone bills (!!!) – hundreds and hundreds of dollars in long distance charges neither Dan nor I could afford.  I doubt we would have struggled as much in the era of Skype and Facetime.  SMS has saved many a LDR.  I think Jack & I text each other upwards of 50 times a day, from his good morning text to his goodnight text (poor dumb bastard), there is rarely a moment we’re not in touch with one another.  We’re also really big into sending each other photos via SMS.  Not THOSE kind of photos, c’mon.  But cute little pictures of where we are or what we’re doing.  And yeah, we flirt a lot, too – or, “flext” (flirt-text?) as I like to call it.  In fact, he just flexted me right now.  😉
  3. Enjoy your time away from your partner.  I know, I know! Controversial concept I’ve learned from my 347 relationships:time away is just as important as time together.  Case in point: I’m sitting here in my sweatpants & fleece, looking incredibly grungy, because … well … no one is here to notice.  It’s awesome.  One of the most difficult aspects of living close to someone (and this is exacerbated by living WITH them) is complacency.  When I lived with Alex for two years, it was – ironically – our closeness that ended up killing the romance.  We were BFFs and just adored each other, but I started treating him like a roommate – I never bothered to get dressed up anymore, I would walk around naked or in sweats constantly, we did the same thing every weekend.  When you’re long distance, that’s far less liable to happen.  Every visit feels special, and while you long for them while you’re away, if you know when you’ll see them next, you can focus on your work, your friends, your family and yourself in the meantime.
  4. Trust.  Jack is the single most trustworthy person I know besides my father.  He is both honest to a fault and extremely reliable. I don’t think I could do this if I were worried – at all, ever – that he was up to god knows what out there in San Diego (or any city he might be stationed in the future).  The few LDRs I’ve had which worked only worked because of this. (Taylor was/is super trustworthy and honest as well … some others in the past, cough cough, not so much.) I have a feeling we’re going to be returning to this one at some point.
  5. Emotional communication. I don’t know what other people need, but I know I need a LOT of loving communication (no shit) and from experience, the lack of that can torpedo an otherwise amazing relationship.  I need to feel secure and cherished (what a surprise, that whole ‘cherished’ thing), and especially when my partner isn’t around to hug me and kiss me, I need to feel that love via email or text or phone or skype or … something!  Perhaps I’m the only one (doubtful, but I realize not everyone is as emotionally needy as me, LOL), but I know it’s really important for me to feel that connection – and it actually doesn’t matter what the medium is!
  6. Try not to go longer than two or three weeks without seeing your partner – in person. Jack & I agreed that we would make an effort to see each other at least that often, if we possibly could.  Because of Fashion Week (and him moving from Pensacola to San Diego) we had to wait four weeks from our last visit until our next one (on Tuesday), but we’ve had several conversations about how that was not ideal, to say the least.  😉  Obviously, if we’re still dating when he gets deployed, we won’t have that luxury, but until then, approximately every 2 weeks that’s our goal.  I think it’s important to mutually agree on a maximum interval, because if you feel you can go a month without seeing him and he finds it difficult to go longer than a week without seeing you, that’s bound to lead to massive disagreements, and eventually the downfall of your relationship.

That’s just a start (but I need to get to bed).  I’m really curious, though – for the readers who have had LDRs – what works, and what doesn’t?

528 COMMENTS

  1. She is going out of her way to make this “reader letter” seem as if it wasn’t written by her – check out the random punctuation. But the “radiant” and “SO happy” shit gives her away. She just can’t resist sucking her own asshole, even in role play.

    • And don’t forget “you seem to be doing it wonderfully (and gracefully)…” Nobody in their right mind would say such a thing except a Donkey braying inflated praise in reference to herself. What an asshole.

  2. “But cute little pictures of where we are or what we’re doing. And yeah, we flirt a lot, too – or, “flext” (flirt-text?) as I like to call it. ”

    This poor guy. You know the minute he breaks it off she find a way for “hackers”, haterws, and bullies to leak every photo and text on the internet.

        • 50 texts a day? That INSANE!! Who wouldn’t think that was pathologically obsessive?

          I bet Jacks bought another phone or will be changing his number in a week.

        • LOL @ Grindr. My gay friends are obsessed with it.

          Last summer, I was out on the town in Palm Springs with the gays whilst they were cruising for guys. One of my friends was checking out guys at the bar AND trying to cruise Grindr at the same time. But his iPhone was getting crappy reception, so he wasn’t having much luck. Being the good faghag that I am, I downloaded Grindr on my phone for him.

          I’d never checked it out before. Let’s just say that gays approach ‘online dating’ very differently than the straights. Maybe Julie can write a column about that? LOL:

          *Is there a photo app to make your peen look bigger?
          *Is it okay to check out guys on Grindr when you’re on a date?
          *If you meet a guy on Grindr, is it okay to invite him back to your place for a jacuzzi party while your boyfriend is asleep in the other room?

          • I recently took a train between 2 major cities and the whole way the dude in front of me was getting his night sorted out on Grindr.

  3. “I need a lot of attention, Jack. Jaaack. Jacky-Jack. Yoohoo! Oh, Jack, I need to know if you still like me. Do you like me? Do you? It doesn’t matter what the medium is, just let me know! Jack. Jack. JAAAACK!”

  4. UGHHHH. After being in an LDR for over four years, her stupid little three-month courtship LDR advice really grinds my gears.
    Listen, Donks. You have NO idea what it’s like. Try seeing your SO every two or three weeks? OK, if your daddy will randomly fly you all around the country you can see your boyfriend every two weeks, but for normal people with jobs and school and bills to pay, that doesn’t happen. Texting FIFTY times a day? You fucking codependent psycho. Trust? HA. You constantly look for better offers when you’re in an LDR, it’s been shown throughout your dating history. Enjoy your time away from your partner? Hard to do when you text him fifty times a fucking day!
    I constantly spend at least a month at a time away from my bf. The rare times we get two or three week intervals is a gift. Nothing annoys me more than my college friends who are like, “Wahhhhh I have to be away from my boyfriend for five days over spring break, how will I live?” Luckily, the long distance part of our relationship is over in June, but one of the best things it’s done for us is A) strengthened our communication immensely and B) made me a way more independent person.
    Julia only gets in LDRs because she knows if she’s with a guy all the time, he will dump her. And now she’s giving “advice.” What a fucking moron.

    • Seriously. I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for nine months now, and since we’re both on the academic calendar, we see each other every five to eight weeks, on average. And I feel grateful for that – a friend of mine recently ended a transatlantic relationship in which she saw her boyfriend maybe three times a year (which I, for one, could never do).

      Fifty times a day? Something makes me suspect that most of those texts are hers…

  5. Oh, and “Reader Redacted”? You’ll learn more on the topic of LDRs from watching the movie Going the Distance than “emailing” Julia Allison. Julia hasn’t ever learned that these relationships are mostly doomed to fail, because she hasn’t ever really gotten past the honeymoon phase of her past relationships to figure this out. She lives in a delusional world where seeing her partner ever 2-3 weeks is preferable to living with them and realizing, sooner rather than later, that they have easily outgrown each another.

    ALSO? JULIA, BITCH, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FIGURE OUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THAT AND WHICH!!!!!

    • Seriously.. for ALL the (non)reading she does here Julie Albertson, “writer”, will respond to everything else but the most obvious, the distinction between THAT and WHICH. It’s so insane because despite knowing she must reread the things she writes multiple times before they get posted (gotta make sure the legalies are somewhat consistent even though they never end up being so, bunnies!), she doesn’t seem to be able to recognize when it just plain sounds wrong while reading it back to herself. Mind baughling, indeed.

  6. So NOW she says that she was dating her “just a friend” Taylor. Um. Hmm.
    Let’s amend her advice to reflect her real-life actions…

    (you MUST have a mature and trustworthy partner) to fuck around on…while you pick out Xmas trees and suck Pancake’s cock.

      • Taylor is much like her tumblr. When it’s more convenient to say her blog a business, it’s a business/empire. When it’s more convenient to say her blog is a hobby, it’s a hobby/none of ur business. When it’s more convenient for Taylor to be a platonic bff, he’s a platonic bff. When it’s more convenient for him to be an ex, he’s an ex.

        There is no reality! Truth is an illusion! History should be proud to be rewritten to better glorify Donkey!

  7. Yeah the parentheticals and random hating of an ex gives the email away.

    The only reason she’s happy she’s long distance is she’s just not that into him and she’d scare him away after spending more than a few days together. Also LDRs allow her to mistake drama for romance.

    And this? “I never bothered to get dressed up anymore, I would walk around naked or in sweats constantly, we did the same thing every weekend. ” Um…. that’s every relationship ever. She’s in for a big disappointment once she’s married.

    • Yeah, it’s called life, donkeyarse. My man and I do the same thing every weekend for the most part and hang around in our sweats and some months we get kind of inactive and need to lose a few and so then we crack down and start running together but the point is, no matter where we are in terms of our sweats and our routine, we still have hot sex and love each other madly. The best part of my day is getting into bed with him at night and falling asleep next to him.

      Sorry — just coming off a very love-filled lazy in our sweats weekend.

        • No, actually, it was brutal! Because everyone knows that real, long-lasting relationships involve a series of stunt dates and ball gowns and jewellery boxes and surprise vacations and pretty pink unicorns and chocolate fountains and teary airport good-bye scenes.

      • Me too, Jace. Robes and take-out Chinese FTW. It’s crazy that she finds no joy in walking around naked and being ready for sex with a man who loves you at any moment. It’s wonderful when you get to the point of not having to try so hard, and you can just be humans lazing about together.

      • Ditto. Flannel shirts and X-Files. Makeup optional, and both of us forget to shave. Romantic gesture is catfiance hooking up the new dishwasher. Date night is kicking roommate out of the house for a few hours and cracking a bottle of wine. I have never been so happy.

        (And when we were long distance, we talked on the phone maybe twice a week. I think I’ve gotten 5 texts from this man ever.)

        I’ve had a few friends’ relationships break up at the beginning of this stage because “the spark is gone” and I’m like, no shit! You want that new-guy sick to your stomach emotional rollercoaster forever? Can’t live without flowers and jewelry propping it all up constantly? Bahhhh humbug.

      • Yeah, there’s a huge difference between settling into a routine and taking your partner for granted, especially if you make the effort to wash your sweatsuit every now and again. What does Julia think most OMGMARRIED couples do? If they have jobs, they go to work every day, come home, eat dinner, go to bed, and probably want to relax on the weekend.

        What Julia doesn’t understand is that when you truly love someone, it becomes pleasurable to do the most mundane things together: grocery shopping, lying around reading, whatever. (See Frank O’Hara’s wonderful poem “Having a Coke With You.”) And Julia never will understand this, because for her, courtship is nothing more than its material signifiers: flowers, jewelry, elaborate dates. Once these dry up, so does her love.

    • Yeah, seriously. If you really love someone, you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, this is what happens. My catfriend and I, when we do get to spend time together, hang out in our underwear/pj’s, eat takeout, and watch TV. We know each other so well that we ARE best friends and do things that normal friends would do. Julia is such an idiot she thinks that romantic relationships are all stunt dates. She will never be satisfied with any man.

    • That’s true intimacy catladies. And you’ve got to a) be comfortable with yourself, and b) LIKE yourself in order to reach that place with another person. LaDonk seriously needs major counseling if the last time she was so open with someone was that long ago.

      • Yes I think that’s the upshot of the whole post.

        Julia Allison is incapable of intimacy. She has to manipulate men into liking her and can’t be comfortable in her own skill.

        (Plus the 50 texts per day – that bunny boiler territory).

          • I guess we now know why she is too busy to update her blergh to provide actual coverage about FW.

            Texting 50 times a day is fucking insane.

          • > than 50+ texts daily …
            ph calls > than two+ hrs ea …
            & she is also a ‘prolific’ emailer …

            My $$’s on the breakup & breakdown happening after San Diego but before the Bi-Polar Birthcray Bash.

          • My $$$ too. She didn’t get ANYTHING for Valentines so she will be expecting him to make up for it on her birthday. She’s already HINT HINTED that she wants a dress worth a grand. Of course she will want flowers and jewelery too.

          • and isn’t that the same # of texts she and Katrina exchange, per her blaugh? That is a shit load of texting.

  8. We’re in full mania mode, my feline friends! She posted this late and when I checked she was commenting at 3:30am in the morning!

    You’d think after SUCH. AN. EXHAUSTING. WEEK. that she’d, I don’t know, sleep like a normal person?

    Also, who are these people asking her for advice?

    It’s like asking Tila Tequila for lessons in class.

    Or Megan Asha for lessons in Tech.

  9. Julia fails to mention that the reason why she is so god damn ineffably happy in her current long distance relationship where that have spent less than seven days together is BECAUSE SHE IS DATING A McCAIN!!!!!! HE FAMILY IS POWERFUL AND LOADED AND TAYLOR’S ISN’T AND THEY WEREN’T DATING ANYWAY. THEY WERE JUST FRIENDS, BECAUSE IF THEY HAD BEEN DATING, THAT WOULD HAVE MADE JULIA A CHEATING, OBO-ING DONKY!!!!!!

  10. “One of the most difficult aspects of living close to someone (and this is exacerbated by living WITH them) is complacency.”

    God, she is so fucking clueless. My cathusband and I started dating when we were in the same town, and went through a few different stages of long distance (different countries, same country but hours away) before moving in together. One of the weirdest parts of the long distance thing for me was precisely the fact that it’s like a little holiday when you see each other–like okay, it’s awesome that we’re having these whirlwind weekends of going out to nice bars and having lots of sex and we’re both on our best behaviour, but how is that preparing us or letting us test the waters for having an actual sometimes boring, sometimes annoying life together? Now that we do live together, he sees me in my grungy workout clothes and I have discovered just how many of his boxers have holes in the seams and we’ve eaten Subway for dinner and watched cheesy dating shows all evening for, like, three or four Sundays running, but that’s part of why I like it: he’s actually an integral part of my life now, rather than the dude I save my special underwear for. Julia cannot handle actual closeness to anyone (or rather, I’m guessing, the other person dumps her once he realises that honeymoon-stage unending focus on her is actually all she’s interested in, and she doesn’t give a shit about actually sharing his life or interests beyond what he can buy her), so she acts like being in an adult relationship is a pitfall to be avoided.

    And actually, I just remembered, we did break our veggie-delite streak a couple weekends ago when my totally-complacent-relationship-partner took me to Paris for Valentine’s Day. Suck on it, Donkey.

    • One of the things that’s kind of cool about being in a loving relationship with someone is finding ways to make even the most commonplace parts of your life feel novel. Or have me and the old man been doing it wrong?

    • THIS. LDRs are rarely a reflection of what a relationship will be like when you can actually live close to one another.

    • YES. My favorite part of living with my boycat is the constant companionship during ordinary, everyday stuff. Having your best friend around to liven up all the boring shit you have to do is awesome.

    • THIS.

      What the fuck does she think happens after you live with someone for years? The whole point is that you get comfortable enough to wear the same sweat pants all weekend, order pizza on a rainy Saturday night and watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta on TIVO.

      It’s called reality. The ‘Honeymoon’ part doesn’t last forever. It’s not supposed to.

      Relationships: You’re doing it wrong.

  11. Really!? Really?! Three months of dating does not qualify you to be some expert on LDRs. I’ve been in one myself now for two years where when he is gone he is at sea for THREE months! So shut your huge fucking mouth, you whore. I can’t wait to se how her tune changes when he heads to Guam.

    Also… She’s finally admitting to dating Greasy or did she admit it already? God she’s terrible. My favorite part is when she talks about trust and then mentions Greasy as being uber trustworthy. Poor ignorant Greasy, he didn’t realize he couldn’t trust the lying, scheming donkey in return. I’d love to know how she explains that relationship’s ending.

    • I think this is the first time where she publicly admits to dating him. I don’t have time to go through the archives, but there was definitely a post about an e-mail where she mentions that he’s her “BFF” and that he thinks this whole site is hilarious.

    • My very good friend was in the same situation as you for 2 years – her boyfriend would ship out for ~3 months. She would know the 48-hour period during which his boat would leave, but she’d have no idea exactly when until she got the call. Then, mostly silence for the next 90 days.

      It was so fucking hard on her and she put a lot of effort into maintaining the relationship but also dealing with it in such a way that it didn’t cloud her own life on land. It was a huge struggle and my heart went out to her. Y’all ladies are made of tough stuff and Jaba ain’t fit to lick your boots. Much respect.

  12. “A very wise, very beautiful friend once said”? In Lorelei Lee’s corrupt value system, a woman is only really wise if beautiful. Not that this person really exists, since Julia was simply writing a letter to herself.

    The only reason her LDR with Pancakes has lasted even a few months is because he doesn’t have to see her on a daily basis. Julia spackles the cracks in her veneer, both physically and emotionally, when she’s around him. On a daily basis, she’d be so high maintenance that Flappy would be outta there as quickly as Prom King.

    • Well also she nails him down to the next date every times she sees him.
      Good to hear her confess that – because that’s exactly how I thought she hitched her wagon to his wing ceremony and had him all lined up for his birthday. She nailed the wing ceremony and her birthday back at Xmas. He got off lightly on St Valentines day. I wonder if he and Cindy really went to Disneyland? I mean if my son was being stalked by an insane hosebeast I’d cover for him too!

      After all he is traditional and “honest” because you know, like all politicians, honesty runs in the McCain family! LOLOLOL

  13. Funny. My man he likes it when I walk around nekkid. If he had his way I’d never wear clothes in the house except occasionally maybe one of his shirts and no undies. But that’s when I’m allowed to leave the basement, obvs.

    • This. What’s wrong with her that she thinks walking around naked is a sign of laziness in a relationship? Hey Donks, if he doesn’t want to see you naked then there is something seriously wrong there.

      • ….and what’s wrong with “sweats”? I walk around in gym clothes all the time, because, um er, I like, go to the gym all the time, and guess what Julia, if you actually go to the gym consistently, you actually look good in your gym clothes!!!

        In fact Julia, I bet you a million dollars if you went to the gym 4 times a week, you wouldn’t need 6 inch heels to jack your legs up and you wouldn’t feel like you had to hide your waist or stand with your legs crossed or make excuses for your ass ever again.

        Get used to it Julia, if you are thinking of moving to Coronado, it’s all about looking good without your clothes on, not a with pound of spackle and fake hair.

      • I’m starting to think she just threw that in as a belated attempt to sound sexy. (“Tee hee, I just wandered around naked! I didn’t even bother to put the whipped cream on first–so lazy of me!”) Knowing what we know of Donkey and her COPIOUS body issues, she reeeeally doesn’t strike me as the kind of woman who’s comfortable letting it all hang out. (In her case, more literally than most.)

      • She is fucking crazy.

        I don’t like walking around the house naked. Maybe it’s the uptight Virgo in me? But if I did? My cathus would have a HEART ATTACK and do me on the spot.

        I think she’s lying about this one, actually. I really don’t see her as the ‘walking around naked’ type.

    • Yes. My husband loves me naked. We are in love and don’t have body issues and live in Australia where it is really hot and in a high rise on the beach with no neighbours that can see in, not that we’d care, so we just don’t wear clothes. We’re not nudists, we don’t like other naked people, but we just don’t have hang ups and it’s easier.

      She is emotionally stunted with major body issues. She needs a mask of makeup, a facade of contrived outfit, some kind of physical barrier as emotional armour to keep her own self image alive in her own eyes. It’s so sad that she thinks no one sees through straight through it. And even sadder that she doesn’t realise that real love, a real man or woman who loves you, will see through all of that regardless.

  14. I wouldn’t be surprised if Donkey uses these “reader letters” as a way to get Jack to talk about how great and strong and special their relationship. I can totally see her asking him to help her answer as a way to feel closer to him.

    “Oh look Jack! One of my many, many readers has written a letter asking for help with LDRs!! Let me read it to you, and you can help me answer…”

    • THIS!! Only I have suspicions that Pancakes did not participate in the response in total. I think it was more her way to let him know in detail how this whole thing is gonna go down. OR ELSE!!

      • I see Jack as a whipped little boy, trying to keep Donkey happy. I guess I’m just buying what Donks is selling.

    • I was thinking that it was aimed at Cindy McPandycakens. “Look future MIL, all of my (extensive & recent) dating history explained away! I have never had a very significant other b/c they were long distance! Oh, but not the right long distance! I’ve learned!”

      She is so effing transparent.

  15. She’s “happiest” when they are long distance because she knows nobody can actually stand being around her 24/7.

    Men don’t start to hate you because you walk around naked Julia! LMAO

  16. Dubious advice aside, does anyone else get twitchy with all the LOLs and 😉 and (pointless parentheticals) in that screed? Her writing is full of tics and stylistic crutches, like how Meghan Asha used to end every post with HA! or VERY NICE! or THIS EXCITES ME!

    Man, sometimes I miss that daffy broad.

    • I, for one, loooooove it when the parenthetical includes (cough, cough). It makes me giggle to think she’s choking on some hay.

      As for her glowing “reader” emails, has anyone noticed if they also have problems with “that” and “which”?

  17. I’m calling it: Pancakes is trying to get out of this by telling her the long distance thing is obviously not making her happy, that he can’t give her what she needs from so far away, etc.

    Remember those V Day texts where he was so overly apologetic? I bet they were a result of her whining about being alone, her lack of gifts (you KNOW she would have blerghed them if he’d sent her any), etc.

    This is almost done, right on schedule.

    • THIS too! Donks could be regurgitating how its all going down acting all fine with it so that he won’t break up with her. OR, she could be spelling it out for him as to how it should go so she won’t break up with him and spill all those deets to the public….ummm errr…oooops. Suck it up Pancakes, you can do anything every 3 weeks for a couple of days now can’t you??

      Wow I just read what I wrote and I am becoming one cynical biatch!

    • that would be a mistake, because she’ll call him from the apartment building down the street “Yoo hoo! I’m living here temporarily cuz’ I’m bi-coastal! now we can be close ALL THE TIME!”

    • Yeah, I think you’re right. He’s probably giving her the “I’m so focused on my deployment, you really deserve better” as a way to make it less awkward for both of them and give her a graceful out. I can’t imagine that he sees this going anywhere – it’d be one thing to try to stick it out in an LDR if he were being deployed to Guam but they’d been dating for years and were truly committed to one another, but that’s not the case.

      At this point he’s getting sex, what, 3-4 times a month from Donks? I can’t imagine it’d be hard for him to scrounge up that many one-night stands or establish something with someone who lives closer. I’m truly baffled by his motivations.

    • Yep.

      AND I’m sticking with my original vote. Pancakes is out after the BDay Cray.

      BTW: only 1 week to go until BDay Cray. Get yo popcorns and wines ready cat ladies. ‘Cause it’s about to GO DOWN.

    • Whoa….her dad “the most trustworthy” Really? After the RBNS C&D revealed what a conniving so n so Dadsers is…..sad.com!!

    • Oh lord. She is so transparent, she could double as a window. “My boyfriend (boyfriend! boyfriend!) Jack is just like daddy — perfect marriage material.

      She’s known Pancakes for five freaking minutes and that’s enough for her to make such a sweeping pronouncement. What about Brother Britt, eh?

  18. mmm Why are all of her “reader emails” so gushing?? And if these are real, why are all the comments on her blurg not like them??? Has it been proven that these are faked???

    FISHY!

      • She desperately needs to communicate things but she needs to act like she is being prompted or “forced” to out of the love her her readers.

        She has no comments… she is making these up herself.

        I wonder if it helps sooth her to write these lies out – like if she says it – it must be true instead of the fact that every ex hates her, most are made fun of for dating her and the Jack thing seems to be coming crashing down all around her.

        • That wouldn’t surprise me at all. By posting that response to the “reader email”, she probably thinks that she has re-written history in terms of her previous relationships. I keep going back to this idea that posting all of this stuff about her strong LDR with Flapjack is just her not wanting to face facts that things aren’t as peachy as she would like them to be. I have found that when people are quick to talk like they have a perfect relationship, that tends to mean there are a lot of problems they are in denial about.

        • Huh. Must have missed that part in The Secret where you write fake emails to yourself to make stuff come true.

          • there definitely was something like that in there. (when I read the secret, I was recently dumped and severely depressed, don’t judge.) you’re supposed to write things as you want them to be, as if they already are that way. because if you act as if things are the way you want them to be, they will magically go that way for you. the power of positive thinking!

    • exactly. where are the gushing blog comments? I guess her “readers” feel such deep ties and empathy with their goddess Juliar that they prefer the relative intimacy of the email, eh? Cuz leaving a comment out there on the blog is so cold and impersonal. They want the feeling that their communique is lurking in Julia’s inbox all personal-like. Yeah.

      • it’s like Gov. Walker saying he’s got the majority on his side but they are silent since he got 19K emails.. even though there are about 100K protesting.

        • THANK YOU. So happy to see someone else here following/mentioning the WI labor unrest. Hey hey, ho ho, Scott Walker’s got to go!

    • Let’s just say that it is very easy to bait donkey into giving a response to reader questions. If you just praise her a bit and then stick in a question at the end that you’re trying to trap her in (i.e. asking about what happened with Taylor) you’ll be more likely to get a response. She is transparent.

      You know when greyhounds race around a track but there is a fake rabbit in front of them making them run? I picture this baiting her for answers to be much like that, except it’s a carrot on a stick in front of a donkey.

  19. Julia: “I had just tried the whole long distance thing from July – Oct 2009 with Toph (“Code Name TK”), who lived in LA, and after three or four months, I felt the distance really hindered any chance at a normal relationship, so I suppose I was a bit apprehensive about the whole thing.”

    I know FOR A FACT this is ALL LIES. The truth: Her acting like a maniac, being lame, she never stopped talking or braying, eating only Butt Print Cleanse when she visited him, his room mates and other friends HATED her, her dog yapping during sex and her being a horrible lay. Oh and he had a girlfriend.

  20. I am contemplating leaving her a comment. For very selfish reasons, naturally. Because if she’s able to translate this long-distance relationship into a long-term leading-to-marriage one, we’d get to witness HER WEDDING. And i’m conflicted about this, because I *always* wanted to see her marry, but for fuck’s sake NOT TO THE MCCAIN FAMILY! She’d become the first lady of the internet, whether we like it or not. But on the other hand….with their resources and her ideas the wedding is bound to be the most glorious event of the internet. I am *literally* shaking just thinking about this. Just imagine, catpeeps. This WILL BE NOTHING IN COMPARISON

  21. As I think more about this letter, it is clearly for Jack’s benefit.

    “first off- you look so radiant and it makes me smile because I can tell you’re SO happy, which is why I’m emailing.” Translation: Jack, I am radiant and it shows, would you not agree? Would YOU?? Please tell me, I need a lot of communication on how I look. Also it’s because WE ARE HAPPY!

    “but it’s very hard to keep up this long distance lifestyle- and you seem to be doing it wonderfully (and gracefully) so I was hoping you could offer some pointers!” Translation: Jack, it is very hard to keep up this long distance style- I seem to be doing it wonderfully (and gracefully), you however could use some pointers!

    Yeah…..he’s so dumping her.

    • Yeah, you, Jack, could use some pointers, and I am here on my blergh to bray them to you. Listen up to the Text Quota, the Visit Quota, and the Loving Declarations quota. You do realize I have been desirable to many menz, right? There will be a quiz on this material.

  22. Doesn’t Jack have a frigging job? Aren’t we, the taxpayers, paying his salary so that he can do what he needs to do in order to defend our country? I’d sure like to know why the hell he has the time to text 50 times a day.

    Also, I love how, once again, Julia has managed to mention the name of EVERY single one of her past relationships. I don’t know why she bothers to give them codenames. She always outs them anyway.

    Finally, I hope the IRS is aware that she now considers NS a hobby. I mean, all the tax write offs she was getting for travel, clothes etc., for her “business”, I’m sure that will stop now right?

    • So a normal person might sleep 8 hours. 16 hours awake means Julia is advising you to text your long distance lover OVER 3 times an hour.

      What kind of relationship advice is “text him every 20 minutes”???
      Is there a single sane man on earth who would not feel badgered and stalked by this?

      Does she take into consideration the time difference? Or does she just start texting him at 4am his time?

  23. So…the take away is “communication, commitment to make it work, and trust”?

    *paging Captain Obvious*

  24. “we had to wait four weeks from our last visit until our next one (on Tuesday), but we’ve had several conversations about how that was not ideal, to say the least.”

    TransBraytion: I had a manic meltdown over my warm sushi at WholeFoods and made him promise TO NEVER DO THIS AGAIN!!!!!! I need to be cherished!!!! IN PERSON!!!!!!!

    • “but we’ve had several conversations about how that was not ideal” = I:

      *Stalker called
      *texted. and texted. and TEXTED
      *IM’d
      *Emailed
      *Skyped
      *Posted on my ‘hobby’ site
      *Twittered
      *Carrier pigeon’d
      *Pony Express’d
      *Pack Mule’d
      *Smoke signaled

      that he better not even THINK about NOT making plans to see me again BEFORE I leave next time.

  25. 50 texts a day? After reading his Valentine SMSes she posted they must be as dry as plywood

    “Hello Julia. I am awake now.”

    “Julia I am eating a pop-tart”

    “My friends are going to a bar. I am not Julia I am staying home”

    “Going to sleep now good night Julia”

  26. Ew, when did “LDR” become a thing? That’s so lame-cutesy. I hate it.

    I’ve been eating Cadbury mini eggs in my underwear all morning (glam long weekend, you know) and just checked in with the cat and he says he still likes me. It’s the most hilarious thing in the world that these web narcissists think people are jealous of them. OR THAT THEY LOOK RADIANT. HAHAHAHA RADIANT. No.

    • you are so lucky. you have underwear, cadbury mini eggs and your catman still likes you!?

  27. I was hoping you could offer some pointers!
    Comin’ right up, bunnie! Two points! In more than 8,500+ words!

    Daniel (“Hipster Lawyer”)
    Was Danny Boy’s name known before now?

    Jack & I* text each other upwards of 50 times a day, from his good morning text to his goodnight text
    * “You woke me up is why I didn’t text for five hours. Damn!”
    * “I gotta get some sleep; pls don’t make my phone ring!”

    I would walk around naked or in sweats constantly, we did the same thing every weekend
    * “My lazy ass wore the same sweats Monday – Friday”
    * “I was nude when he spent entire weekends fumigating my sweats”

    • Seriously, 50 texts, here are the 5 texts Jack sends out of the 50:

      “Julia, I can’t talk right now I’m working.”

      “Julia, I’ll call you later.”

      “Julia, I SAID, I would call you later.”

      “Julia, I don’t have unlimited messaging.”

      “Julia, would you stop texting me so much you crazy bitch.”

    • Excellent points about Pancakes’ very valid reasons for sending morning/bedtime texts. If Julia had my number, I would probably need to send her daily morning/bedtime texts, too.

  28. The best is the photo to this entry – isn’t this the Halloween after she found out TK had a girlfriend and it was over but Julia’s running around LA parties trying to run into him? And later crashed a party where she was found looking at older videos of herself and crying? (Someone tweeted it, LOL)

    “It would be better if people were more honest.”

    Yes, Julia… it would! Be more honest with yourself!

      • It’s my absolute best story about Donkey. Her careening through the Hollywood Hills in a rental just to have a photo taken with Leven before Leven and her BF headed out to an actual party.

        While there is no proof of it whatsoever I can only picture her frantically shouting at her GPS with mascara tears streaming down her face.

        • Look how dead her eyes are in that photo. That is such an inauthentic smile. No laugh lines. Fake.

          • How dare you! Her eyes may be dead, but her ballet position is flawless. Did you forget that she was a DANCER?

          • Holy shit there are some serious, clinical co-dependency issues coming out in that comment. I need to be loved! Kissed! Hugged! Adored! Julie, you love self-help books, there is a whole section on that topic in the self-help section.

            Here’s the thing ™, I don’t think any of us would DISAGREE with Julia about wanting to feel loved or desired. It’s…umm…er…oops…kind of normal. It’s biology! What’s not normal is vomiting your feelings all over the Internet with no discretion and no perception as to how it makes you look. It makes you look like a whiny, needy, annoying leech (which we already know you are). You don’t care who’s on the other side of that phone. You don’t care about THEM. You care about you and only you. That’s boner-killer material right there.

            Julie, you can’t force someone to love you. I mean you can, but that’s a combination of kidnapping, drugging, abduction, stockholm syndrome, etc. I digress. Bottom line is, you have to wake up and you have to realize that you need to focus on YOU. And by that, I mean, you have to get off the fucking internet and spend time developing yourself emotionally and intellectually (and working normal hours). Only THEN, will someone be able to emotionally attach themselves to you. I know there’s a LOT to be said about loving your significant other for who they are, but Julia, you quite literally don’t have a single redeeming quality about you. Julia supporters, please prove me wrong! *crickets* I have not seen an iota of personal growth in your overly-documented life since you graduated from college. You need to grow up.

            Why can’t you see that YOU are the problem in all of your relationships. It’s not them.

    • I have um, heard that Leven and TK are friends so it makes sense that clinging to Leven, she might have gotten access or info on where her beloved “You know when you know” TK.

  29. Reading that bizarre manifesto on long distance relationships, it struck me how entirely Juliar’s so-called writing career consists of trying to manage and massage the facts of her life so that she can live with them–and so that others can admire or envy her.
    I guess one could argue that plenty of fiction and nonfiction writers operate on the same impulse, at some level…the old ordering reality to make it understandable compulsion…but I can’t remember coming across someone’s “work” that was so nakedly and continually self-serving. She’s a wonder, our Donks.

    • Yeah, that shit might fly with Updike, Cheever and O’Hara, but not for Cantwriteforshit McLoser.

    • It doesn’t make any sense, because her “advice” is all about how it works and it makes her really happy….

      … and then in the comments she says how she’s not prepared to keep at it re Guam.

      Make up yer mind Donkey, which one is it?

  30. How the fuck does she know he is so “trustworthy?” Trust is something that BUILDS OVER TIME, and she’s known him for exactly five minutes! Also this has always been one of the most irritating things about her – she just reinvents history to suit her own purposes. TK DUMPED YOUR ASS, you fucking lunatic.

    Also, reading this thread made me feel like the only single person all up in here. Is no one else single???

    • She also pronounced him the “kindest person she’s ever known” or something to that effect, about 2 days into the relationship.

      • Probably because he calls women “Ma’am” (to their face) – that’s what military are trained to do Julia, it has nothing to do with kindness. Mostly their job is to to fuck up other people’s shit.

      • It’s just so typically asshole Julia. Every job she has is the best job ever! Every relationship she has is the best relationship ever to the best guy ever! Every friendship she has is the closest relationship ever! Every city she lives is in the greatest place ever! Until the job evaporates, the friends abandon her (hello, Mary and Jordan), the relationship explodes, she is forced to move again…

        It’s so nauseating already.

        • She loved NY! She loved her apartment! Until she had to move to Chicago, which is now officially the greatest city ever and she is so happy to have more than one room! NY sucks now and she doesn’t even miss it!

    • I find it highly unlikely that Jack McCain learnt “trustworthiness” growing up in the home of JOHN AND CINDY MC-FUCKING-CAIN!!!

    • I am technically single if you don’t count my pet guinea pigs (what? I’m allergic to cats!).

      What makes me roll my eyes about this letter more than anything is how Julie prances through her dating history, putting it together to create some kind of narrative of personal growth. Because, of course, it’s all about how these relationships make her look. It has nothing to do with actually creating a relationship that means something.

      In the last year I have been on many, many very bad dates. And some that were not so bad, but I just didn’t click with the guy. Finding someone who I actually want to be in a relationship with is ninety percent of the battle. There’s no way Julie felt that way about all of these men– they’re just props to her. She’s not interested in love, she’s just interested in creating the appearance that men want her.

      • Amen. I have lost count with all the dead end dates I’ve been on in the past 6 months. Julsie and her oddly rehashed dating life are just depressing. There is no way that she and Pancakes have found everlasting-neurotic enabling love.

        • I’ve been on so many bad dates the past few years – god. I always say I’m going to take a break but then I keep throwing myself out there, because SOMETIMES it’s fun but usually it’s a gigantic soul-sucking pain in my ass.

          • “Soul-sucking pain in my ass” is the best description of dating I have ever heard.

            It’s so, so true.

      • THIS!!! So true. Meanwhile, behind the scenes almost all of her relationshits explode spectacularly because she either cheats on them, or acts like a deranged hose beast and they run.

    • I am single, but well past my expiration date. At this point in my life any man who enters my life must be worth the trouble. It is a liberating point of view, one that I wish I had developed sooner.

      • I am 23 and I feel that way now. It is wonderful. No pressure, no need to waste time hinging my self-worth on being with someone else. If someone comes along who is worth it, great. If not, I’m busy doing all of the things that make me happy and will not miss it.

  31. Also I was in an LDR for a long time. It sucks balls. There is nothing good about it. Why can’t she just admit this shit instead of trying to make her life seem so OMG FABULOUS! every second of every day? I can’t believe she thinks people buy her brand of bullshit. Every relationship she is in the BEST EVAR!!!! to the GREATEST PERSON EVAR!!!!! until, inevitably, it crumbles like a day old turd.

    • THIS!!

      I was in a LDR after college and that shit was gut-wretchingly awful. It was very hard, and immensely depressing and this is coming from someone who is truly still friends with the guy, because he was that awesome.
      Jules, you lie.

      • I hear you. I was never in one, but I knew plenty who were and none of them were happy about it. Julia is insane/lying/both.

      • I was in one that was extremely painful, that led years later to a marriage (mostly for a Visa), that led years later to a divorce. She needs to shut the fuck up about shit she knows NOTHING about.

        She’s been with this douchebag for five seconds and basically admitted in the comments it’s going nowhere. Yet she holds herself out like some fucking LDR dating expert. Fuck off already.

    • LDRs rarely work unless there is a deadline by which you agree to be living together or going on your separate ways. Julia doesn’t have a problem with an open-ended long distance thing because she knows she will drive any sane guy crazy with her mania and drama. It’s perfect for her, really. She can maintain the delusion that she’s in this ideal relationship for as long as possible, when really, if she and these guys were together on a daily basis, the jig would have ended much, much sooner.

      I’ve had a couple of LDRs that were really difficult to maintain. Looking back, one of the things that kept them going was the “newness” felt during each meeting after not having seen one another for some time – something Julia alludes to. After a while, this gets old because it isn’t real. It wasn’t either of us getting to see the worst sides of one another and deciding whether it was something we’re okay with (like my not at all being a morning person!). Like others have said in this thread, relationships take work and on many days, often include little more than the mundane daily routine. The great part of that is figuring out how to make those days feel natural and special too – not all this pomp and circumstance and Disney fairy-tale bullshit that Julia’s been spinning in her head since she was a little girl and believes that she deserves.

      This woman really just needs to grow the fuck up. She avoids everything that would require her to reflect upon her own behavior, as jobs and close friendships and relationships do. They force one take responsibility for their actions, to own their decisions. She keeps all of these things at bay, aided by her enabling parents, trying to maintain this carefully contrived narrative that she thinks will make others envy, or at least admire, her. Sorry, Jules, I hardly even feel sorry for you anymore.

      It’s all unbelievable. I can’t imagine being so untruthful not just to others, but to myself.

  32. Speaking as a San Diegan does Julia have any idea of the attitudes towards, and prevalence of, infidelity in the military for couples separated by deployment?

    Do you think she has ANY IDEA that vast numbers of women, with an eye to spousal benefits, are teaming around the bases here? Or the truckloads of groupies (mattresses) who populate the bars near North Island? (I’m sorry that’s not very “sisterhood” of me – but San Diego is not a very “sisterhood” town).

    • “Jack: I’m hanging out w Navy Seals buddies tonight. Me: Ooh! What do Seals look like? Take photos! Jack: Normal, just in way better shape.”

      QED

      Navy Seals are crawling with women – and on a holiday weekend in San Diego?
      Sorry to break this to you Julia but Jack got his dick sucked last night.

  33. Guys . . . you gotta read these comments. They are ineffably adverbial. (I’m ringing myself!!!)

    “Jack’s idea is that we will have a “Big Talk” in October before he heads to Guam for THREE YEARS. Because while long distance to San Diego for eight months is not really tough, long distance to GUAM for three years is … well, I don’t know if that is plausible (which is why when I found out he was going there a few weeks ago I sobbed hysterically for an hour). I am almost 30, and that … I don’t know that I see that working for my biological clock, if you will. Jack knows this, and he understands. The truth is, while I don’t mind LDRs for short periods of time, the military seems to require them for years on end. And I don’t think that I want that sort of life. I don’t think I want to raise my children alone while their dad is deployed. You know?

    But Jack has told me to try to reserve judgment on this subject for the time being, so … I’m trying to do that. While trying NOT to panic about getting older and possibly being in a relationship that I don’t think is sustainable, long term. I mean, I DO want to get married, but I’m not going to marry into a life that I don’t think will make me happy. And I am not convinced that the military life is for me.

    That said, Jack is an amazing boyfriend, and I feel supported and loved for the first time in a long time. I just wish I were 25 and I didn’t have to start thinking about marriage and families in a serious way. Then it would be like “Oh, Guam? AWESOME! We’ll have amazing trips!!!””

    and

    “With regard to Taylor, that’s a really good question, and I’m happy to explain. So, I first met Taylor through my friend Caroline McCarthy at the Princeton Reunions in May of 2010 with my dad. We talked for about 6 hours the first night, and we just GOT ALONG so well. But I had made a bit of a pact not to date for a while (I had just gotten back from the ashram and over Justin), so we kept it just friends for the next two or three months. Then, in July, we started texting every day – emailing links (we love reading the New York Times), talking for hours on the phone, etc. We just never run out of things to say to one another.

    Our first in-person date was in early August in New York, and it went from there … I would go visit SF frequently, and always stay with him, and we talked every single day. But here’s the thing … Taylor and I have VERY specific ideas of what we want in a relationship, and although we were unbelievably compatible as friends, emotionally, we weren’t compatible as significant others. I need a LOT of love, a lot of emotional connection, a lot of cuddling. Taylor is very gregarious but emotionally he’s VERY reserved. The good news is that he’s super communicative and really open, so we figured this out quite quickly. In early November, we decided to end things (actually, I started the conversation, but we both agreed) – hands down – the best break up of my life. Two days of being really sad it didn’t work out, we were back to being BFFs, and the oddest thing happened – it got BETTER. Because I didn’t look to him for all that emotional stuff, and he didn’t feel guilty for not being able to provide it. I now – and I am being honest – have no romantic feelings for him whatsoever. But I adore him like he’s … well, like he’s Dan or Meghan Asha. And the best part is, now we get to ask each other advice on all things romantic, which is pretty awesome.

    So, in other words, I don’t feel it was distance related. Although, actually, Taylor didn’t like the distance at all. But we would definitely have broken up in the same city too, it just might have taken longer, and we might have gotten back together and broken up several times, instead of doing a clean break.

    (btw, I was introduced to Jack by his sister about two weeks after that – so meeting him had nothing to do with my Taylor break up – and while we don’t have as much in common as Taylor and I do, we are 100% on the same page emotionally. He’s VERY sweet to me, and it makes me feel loved and cherished and adored, and … well, I need that.)”

    (But didn’t she meet Pancakes at Meghan’s bday in Oct?)

    “No, you’re right, Caroline – but I figured, since Toph has apologized about 8 million times to me and we’re still friends – or at least friendly – I didn’t need to bring that up again, and my point (which, I admit, was cryptic) was that he could NEVER have pulled the whole “two girlfriends” thing had he lived in the same city as me. Although I guess some guys do that (but how do you get away with it if you can just pop by their house at any moment???)

    Agree with you about the definite end date, for sure.

    I definitely do see myself marrying, and I agree that part of a successful relationship is living under one roof, absolutely. But I also think I now am very … how shall I put this … um … cautious about falling into the “married” mode (for lack of a better term) too quickly. And without a ring, LOL. Right?

    The one thing I haven’t figured out with Jack is whether I can handle this sort of relationship for a long time – because, frankly, in the military (at least with what he has chosen to do), you’re ALWAYS long distance. To be frank, I don’t know that I am cut out for it. So. We’ll see …

    (thank you for the awesome comment !!!!)”

    It’s so hilar-ballz that she’s trying to pretend she’s totes ambivalent about a future with Jack. Nice try, Jules.

    • Who does this? So many lies and then retractions, over-explaining things nobody gives a shit about . . . girlfriend doesn’t need interns, she needs a therapist and a hobby. And no, Julie Albertson, nagging people into taking your photo doesn’t count as a hobby.

      • That’s what’s so funny. I was thinking the same thing. Her ability to impersonate a sane person in print, for short bursts, is…interesting.

        • Such impersonations work well in person, too, for the short term. But once that cray starts to crack, and it doesn’t take long, get yo’ ass out there. Else you pay. You pay with yo’ face!!!

        • I don’t know – talking in depth about yourself and relationships at 3am doesn’t strike me as terribly sane behavior, to say nothing of the fake reader emails to herself. There is so much hilarity in her tl;dr comments.

          Transbraytions:
          “We love reading the NY Times” – I’m smart and interested in things other than myself, really!

          “Taylor and I have VERY specific ideas of what we want in a relationship, and although we were unbelievably compatible as friends, emotionally, we weren’t compatible as significant others. I need a LOT of love, a lot of emotional connection, a lot of cuddling. Taylor is very gregarious but emotionally he’s VERY reserved.” – He just wasn’t that into me

          How can she not see how obvious her bullshit is?

          • Not that I don’t love you, but I meant that for “Her ability to impersonate a sane person in short bursts…” made me not be able to make it to the litter box.

        • Really? I read it as being entirely too manic to be natural, but maybe that IS because I know how she is.

          She also over-explains. Over-explaining (especially since she failed to explain fuck-all at the time) reeks of lying to me. People who have too many excuses are people who are making shit up.

      • I dunno, all I know about LDRs is that all of my friends who were in them were miserable. I made sure never ever to get into one. Julia on the other hand seems to prefer them because she doesn’t have a choice, men can’t stand being around her any longer than it takes for her to blow them.

    • WOW. Seriously contemplating marriage and talking about your biological clock with a 25 year old, about 3 months into a relationship? Um, this can’t go well. What the fuck is wrong with her!!!

      Again, I’m a year younger than her and didn’t start talking marriage with hubscat until we were together atleast 2 years I think (?) ..either way, it was definitely past a year and we saw each other all the time. What has she been in his company 5-7 times and already thinking of marriage. She is so scaring him away and the earlier suggestions in this thread about Jack planning to break it off with her make total sense to me.

      • They have nothing in common but he’s so sweet to her, y’all. That’s all that matters.

        Donkey, I am a decade older than you and facing real anxieties around marriage & kids within my stable, live-in relationship of nearly two years. Do not speak of your biological clock, you nitwit.

        • That’s the thing, she seems perfectly content marrying someone who worships her. She thinks that’s grounds for a good, healthy relationship.

          • …and why not support Jack while he serves his country?

            Julia it’s actually incredibly honorable to stand by your man while he’s in the military, but of course you could NEVER do that could you?

            You could never make that sacrifice, and given that Jack’s the scion of one senator and 2 admirals, it’s not like it wouldn’t be a very luxurious sacrifice compared to what most military spouses have to endure.

        • Didn’t she say something similar about Prom King? That she didn’t love him, they had communication issues, didn’t really have much in common, he didn’t read (LOL). Then she woke up one day and realized that she HAD ‘fallen in love with him’ (aka fallen in love with his family’s money) after all.

          But this was only after the BDay Cray, when he got fed up with her crazy and dumped her ass.

          • Didn’t Donkey also mention that she & PK had talked ‘too soon’ about marriage, kids, dogs, etc., that she’d pictured herself spending his dad’s millions the rest of her life w/ him?

            Tahoe is so *not* going to live up to *any* of her pretty princess expectations, & I can barely wait for Donkey to Let. It. Unfold.

            (but rest assured, my breath is duly bated)

        • it’s crazy how she explained all of this, that she and taylor are so similar, except in how they express emotion, but otherwise they were good together. but she broke up with him so she could try and become a mccain, even though she and flapjacks have absolutely nothing in common, lead totally different lifestyles, and are at different stages in their lives.

          I mean, I don’t know how truthful her comments were, but they sound reasonable. if she was my friend, I would be sad for her that she gave up on taylor to be with someone who wasn’t as well-suited to her. I mean, the different ways of emotional communication could have been worked out, compromised on somewhere. but you can’t change someone’s personality.

          • First of all, how she invades Taylor’s privacy here is disgusting!!! God, he dodged a bullet! Second of all, maybe he was withholding emotionally because he knew she was insane! Any of my guy friends would start to withdraw if a girl was coming on this strong.

            I like Taylor. He seems the most normal and like the best thing that ever got away from her.

          • Bing! “withholding emotion” = backing off at a rapid clip when she starting flying out to visit him every other week and suggesting they drop by Tiffany’s “just to look”

    • Translation: Pancakes has explicitly given this relationship an expiration date. Every time he brings it up I smile and nod, then go back to plotting how I’m going to get him to quit the military and put a ring on it.

    • No guy in his RIGHT MIND is saying to a girl in February – “we’ll have the big talk in OCTOBER.”

      This conversation either did not happen or he did it to make her shut the F up knowing he’d be dumping her very soon.

      • when she found out about guam, she probably freaked out and said “but what about us? what about our relationship? how will it work? what about marriage and babies and dates and my birthdays and…” and he cut her off and said “we’ve only been dating for two months and we’ve spent a total of about 48 hours together. relax, let’s just enjoy the time we spend together, see how things go, and we’ll talk about guam when the time gets closer.”

        • And lawdy, just imagine the hour of “hysterical sobbing” once he broke the Guam posting to her. Fun times.

          • I said a while back that I’m sure she thinks/thought that she could somehow talk him out of that whole icky service to his country thing.

          • “you could go awol! you can come live in my parents’ my condo, and I’ll shill for the things we need to live, and I’ll make up a cute little nickname for you, and dadsers will use his connections to have a new id made up for you, and they’ll never know where you are, and we can be together forever and always! you don’t need to keep your commitments, god knows I don’t!”

    • Julia: “I am almost 30, and that … I don’t know that I see that working for my biological clock, if you will. ”

      Trans-braytion: I know he’s going to dump me because I am nutso so I am putting this out there now as a plant so I can blame our break-up on this, rather than my psychotic nature.

    • So she basically just admitted what everyone already knows – this relationship is going nowhere.

      Big surprise. Just wear a sign “I’m dating him for the time being because he’s famous.” What an asshole.

      You know the thing is, I GET her here. She’s right, she’s older and she has to think about her biological clock. I can relate to that myself. So why is she wasting her time with him? BECAUSE HE”S FAMOUS. And that makes her a cunt.

      • Yes. If she is having these reservations three months into a relationship, it’s time to re-assess. At the very least, make it a non-exclusive one. Hasn’t she proffered similar advice in one of her dating columns? Jesus, for someone who is an alleged dating expert, she pretty much sucks.

      • I thought Republicans fucking hated the New York Times. Maybe he IS gay and they coo over the Styles section.

  34. So basically, she’s just admitted that this fauxforshow-relationshit is over as soon as he moves to Guam. In which case Julie, stop talking about long-distance relationships. Let’s call this what it is, it’s just some more banal drama to add to your non-existent existence.

    Jack for you, an unemployed, homeless, princess, is a hobby, it gives you something to do

    • ..but Julia! The legacy wings!! If you stick it out with midget Jack – you might end up First Lady!! Think of how jealous everybody will be of you then!! 3 years in the south pacific isn’t that bad, you can go on “little trips”!

      • She wants a ring before he goes. I feel like she is trying to act like she doesn’t care hoping it will fire up his interest.

        Though at the same time, I also feel like she knows she is going to get dumped HARD and soon and wants to start planting excuses now.

        PS, if I think about the fact that she is talking to herself in this “reader” email, I have to hide under the covers, it scares me so much.

        • THIS is it, planting excuses foe coming dumping.
          I think its interesting for her talk about herself as a possible
          ‘ Military wife” when:
          1. He is a MCCAIN. Yeah he may have a few years of grunt work in Guam but he is a major military legacy, and like a guy joining dad’s firm he’ll more than likely be given a super cushy job after his time in the trenches with the hoi polloi. Not to mention there is TONS of McCain family money to cushion any blows, which is hardly a typical military wife experience.
          2. He may go into the private sector as a consultant or lobbyist.
          Both cases she’d likely end up in D.C., so I don’t see the real problem.
          It is spin.

  35. Love this tweet 🙂

    Hesadummy Last Inclass
    @juliaallison The only possible explanation for what this kid sees in you is that he graduated at the bottom of his class. SO. DUMB.

    He had to do a year of remedial didn’t he?

  36. Just for the lulz – can somebody who comments on her blerg or tweets her please ask her when Gustavo Cadile told her she was his “muse”?

  37. Hi cat ladies! I’m struggling with a particularly boring but time-sensitive errand at my desk, so I took a brain break to check in on Our Lady. Glad I did. Because these LULs have healing properties!

    Who, after reading Donk’s shillcast, really thinks she is handling this LDR gracefully? Utterly gracelessly is more like it! Jesus! All the passive aggressive nonsense she’s been posting (LOOK AT ME, PANCAKES!) lately is a fabulous example of how to run a relationship – any relationship – into the ground.

  38. I am engaged to a military kitty. We have been long distance the whole time. But we knew from day one where our relationship was going. Granted we are both a couple years older than Pancakes, more established in life, and looking for the same thing. We got engaged less than a year after we started dating. It sounds sappy, but we both knew we were going to be together forever, so we’ve talked about the logistics since day 1.

    When it comes to wanting to be with a military man and being long distance, if you want different things from the get go and the deployment/distance issues are a deal breaker? Break if off now. If you need to be “cherished” and “adored” and “worshiped” you will never (and probably should never) get married.

    So funny that she is a professional vagabond and can’t make it work. I am an attorney and can make it work. It’s not easy, but because we have trust and I never worry about his intentions, it works. My suspicion is that the Pancakes relationship is already over for other reasons and she is laying the foundation for breakup.

  39. Case in point: I’m sitting here in my sweatpants & fleece, looking incredibly grungy, because … well … no one is here to notice. It’s awesome.

    No, Julia. It’s disgusting. Take a shower.

    • She constantly mentions the sweat pants? The hell? You can be clean and wear sweatpants Julia , why does she associate them with grunginess and being unwashed?

  40. Isn’t rule #1 of long distance relationships is to skip your period w/bc so you AREN’T pmsing when you visit your significant other?

    It’s okay, they have nothing in common and he worships her (ie cheats on her and pays her lip service via “flext”)

    • Julie absolutely cannot handle hormonal birth control.

      I literally haven’t been able to function like a normal human being for the past week, and at first I blamed it on PMS – it felt like PMS – the crazy mood swings, the completely irrational anger, the insane food binges (um.  I won’t even admit how bad I’ve been) … but then it didn’t go away after three days, which is the longest (THANK GOD) my usual lasts.
      [btw, I can’t tell you how much I wish I could explain to men how out of control and scary PMS feels to women – although actually, I can’t (and shouldn’t) speak for other women; I just know it feels out of control and scary to ME.]
      Sunday I blew up at Meghan and stormed out. I never do that.  Today I blew up at Mary and she stormed out.  Okay, she sometimes does that, but honestly, I had no reason to yell at her.  Seriously.  No reason.  But I was just … IRRATIONAL.
      Monday I felt paralyzed by fear (which rarely or never happens to me), Tuesday paralyzed by stress, Wednesday I freaked out about a boy-related disappointment which ordinarily would have (should have!) taken me twenty minutes to get over.
      And this entire week I’ve felt on the verge of sobbing hysterically FOR NO REASON AT ALL.
      It’s funny how it seems so obvious when I write it all down – but it actually took me nine days to figure out what the hell was wrong: I started birth control Oct 1st and the resulting hormones are COMPLETELY FUCKING WITH MY HEAD.
      I haven’t been on it since last December (since a certain break up), but I decided to go on the Nuvaring (Mary swears by it), you know, just to … uh.  Because.  You know.  This is a lot of information, perhaps (sorry), but I am (of course!) freaking out.  It’s messing with me so badly.
      HELP.  How long does it take for my body to adjust to this?????  If it takes much longer, I’ll throw myself off the balcony.
      I’m tempted to just … I have no idea! I mean, come on, what are my OPTIONS? By the way, for your own personal safety, don’t even THINK about emailing me anything even remotely rude or snarky right now because I WILL RIP YOUR BALLS OFF.  I’m dead serious.
      THIS IS SO UNFAIR.  WHEN WILL THEY COME UP WITH MALE BIRTH CONTROL THAT’S BETTER THAN A CONDOM??
      ARGHHEHGHGHGHGHHGHGHHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      Sex is not worth feeling mentally unbalanced.

        • ehh…sounds like normal Julia to me… seriously though, if it were that big of an issue, wouldn’t she visit/consult with her doctor? As most adults do?

      • She literally can not function like a normal human being, bunnies. It’s for serious!

        • if you were a guy about to stick your cock into something that had ‘skin tags’ all over it, wouldn’t you be reaching for the condoms, anyway?

          I had an ex who had a skin tag way too close to his balls, and anytime I would be down there, I would do a double-take. I knew it was a skin tag, but it’s still sort of jarring to see and they somewhat resemble warts.

          just saying…

        • PS, I remember reading back and it was with TK or PK, her crowd sourcing for birth control options that were not the pill or condoms. Um… 1) Wow – go to your doctor and keep that shit private. 2) You hardly know these guys. Sure you want to sleep with every girl they’ve slept with?

          • This is what I don’t understand. She’s almost 30 years old. I figured out the birth control thing with my doctor when I was 18 years old. When I was having a bad reaction to it, I talked to my DOCTOR. I’ve discussed it a couple of times with my girlfriends. Not via twitter, blog or any other form of social media. But wait, she has no girlfriends and no insurance (oh wait, planned parenthood) and has no fucking clue how to use the google.

          • But I do want to say, I have nothing against discussing contraception via social media or in a public forum. If someone is contributing information or having a positive, constructive conversation about it, by all means go forth and educate. Crowd Sourcing, because you want people to know that you’re having sex, is pathetic.

  41. Her comments to herself are INSANE. I’m officially joining the “Pancakes is over” camp.

  42. Another “reader email” with obvious effort at mixing up punctuation etc…and still sounds JUST like her. I canNOT get over how insane this bitch is.

    RUN, PANCAKES, RUN!

  43. Julia: “And I don’t think that I want that sort of life. I don’t think I want to raise my children alone while their dad is deployed. You know?

    But Jack has told me to try to reserve judgment on this subject for the time being, so…”

    Jack’s inner dialogue (as well as PK’s, TK’s and everyone else she’s dated): “Um, from the photos you put up of yourself on the internet you seemed like you were going to be a hot lay that I could brag to my friends about but God, do you ever shut up?????”

    • I don’t understand how she can think so far in advance, especially when ‘thinking’ equals writing it on the internet! What about ‘letting it unfold’!? Someone said above that she’s laying the foundation for the breakup…yeah.

    • I dated a guy like this once. I fell for him quickly, and hard. Only found later he was saying the same thing to ALL THE GIRLS….

      guess what, he was military too. RICO SUAVE to the max (but while I was IN the relationship – *SWOON*!- I would have given him my left arm.) I was also 25.

      • I had me one of those too bitchface. He was a West Point cadet set to graduate, made me feel like I was ‘the one’, made sure to spend all his ‘available’ time with me.
        It was sooooooo good until I found out he was really engaged and had a wedding planned at West Point!!!!
        I was fine, albeit shocked I’d been so completely duped. Thankfully, I wasn’t as invested as his poor fiance who then had to cancel a wedding, etc.

    • Julia: “And I don’t think that I want that sort of life. I don’t think I want to raise my children alone while their dad is deployed. You know?

      What the hell is she talking about? Who’s asked her to have children?

      And how offensive is this for those who have no choice about deployment? What about all those poor stiffs in the National Guard who had no idea the War on Terror would go on for EVER? It’s okay for their kids to be raised while mom/dad is deployed because they are just schlubs – but it’s not OK for Her Highness?

      • this is one thing I can’t fault her on. I wouldn’t be able to get involved with someone in the military. my dad was a public servant (police/fire) in a major, rather ghetto city, and that worried me enough…and I was only his kid, not his wife. I have the utmost respect for those who serve their countries and communities, but I know I don’t have the emotional fortitude to go along for the ride. she’s allowed to choose to not have that life for herself…but, if this isn’t the life she wants for herself, then there is absolutely no point in waiting another six months to have the conversation, either. there’s no point to dating him any longer.

        • Yeah but sadly Julia has not mentioned the worry about HIS life and the impact it would have on THEIR children. Only SHE doesn’t want to deal with being away from him for so long and SHE doesn’t want to get stuck raising the kids alone.

          • point well taken.

            I saw the movie ‘backdraft’ when I was 9, and I begged my dad not to go to work the next day. that was my first time really cluing in to what he really did every day. ten years later, my dad was there on 9/11, and he didn’t come home for a week after because he in charge of a search & rescue operation involving the path train. ever since 9/11, I actually get a little choked up when I see things either in real life or on the news with police and firemen going to active scenes and dealing with the aftermath, or, worse, dying in the line of duty.

            I am admittedly a little oversensitive on the issue now, because I feel a lot of empathy for those involved with public servants…I didn’t mean to rush to defend the donkey when, you’re right, it’s not about the fact that she couldn’t deal with worrying about him, or her kids being without their father, it’s only about her being stuck with the kids for months on end…can’t go flit off to film 20 useless fashion week segments when there are kids to take care of!

          • Please, like a McCain couldn’t afford a nanny or two to look after kids. Donkey wouldn’t want to be stuck living in Guam, and that’s all there is to it.

      • Wordity WORD!! Who asked you to get married and have kids Donkey?? Did he really ask you? Or are you derailing the relationship because you already know he won’t. AND Why take a pic of your left snapper with diamonds and wedding dresses in the mirrors? The cray is heavy this evening. I mean really if he gave her the big WE’LL SEE in October, he didn’t ask!!!

      • YOu know I’m gonna stick up for her here too. While I think she is nuts, and I hate her, she’s allowed to plan her life based on her biological clock and the fact that she wants kids.

        But if that’s the fucking case, stop wasting your time, you famewhore.

        • Exactly, nothing wrong with thinking things through, planning things out…etc. Hear Hear if she knows she could not live the life style and fesses up…..BUT….. he didn’t ask her so why is she all worried about it or even considering it as a scenario and making drama about it on her blergh. MOOOOVE ON!!!! Coockoo!!!

        • See the thing is, if he was Joe Military, she would NOT still be dating him. She doesn’t want to live the military lifestyle, which is totally understandable, yet, she’s still dating him and gloating about it. It’s SO clear that it’s because she’s hanging on for a proposal because he’s a McCain. She has no sense of right/wrong or sense of self/what would be best for her. All she sees is McCain..ooh shiny!

          • Word. I think there is literally ZERO chance she would even stop to consider dating an enlisted man until he came along.

            What is sad is how apparent to everyone that is, except him. Or maybe it doesn’t matter to him, either, because of that whole “Pedigree Code.” He probably never thought he would date a homeless hick, either.

  44. It’s almost impossible to keep up with her cray these days, it’s coming so fast and furious. After dissing the tumblr bloggers at Fashion Week, she poses this question…

    “What is it that you really liked about my coverage from last season(s) so I can make sure to repeat it?”

    In other words, “Tell ME how GREAT I AM and HOW MUCH BETTER I AM than all those other bitches who don’t do ego photoshoots and don’t make their coverge all about themselves! Tell me HOW WONDERFUL I AM!! (So I can repeat it!!!)

    Folks, we’re dealing with a certifiable wackaloon here.

    • Um, your coverage has been up for a year and it has no comments so I’m guessing no one liked anything.

      Answered that for ya, Julia Allison!

    • Well Julia I really liked that pretend runway walk you did after the show was over and everybody had gone home and the guy sweeping up the runway told you to piss off. Do that again!

      • I really liked when you posed for a picture next to your “best friend” Mary and looked like you wanted to vom. Do more of that!

  45. She’s posting these things as “responses” because she needs to get it out there without it looking like she’s going a blog post on these issues. It’s amazing what she gives away unintentionally in the process: she’s not into Pancakes except for the fact that he’s really sweet to her (and rich). [the sweet part of this makes no sense to me because his texts are emotionally dead and SHE GOT NOTHING FOR VALENTINE’S DAY. AND, it doesn’t sound like he’s making the trip to Tahoe for the Birthcray. Why not?]

    She actually WAS into Greasy, because he lives in a place she wants to live and he reads the NY Times… except he wouldn’t give her the attention she needs.

    No sane man reading her comments would go near her. It’s all “I NEED A LOT OF LOVE” nothing about giving it in return.

    I repeat–this is a woman who ate sushi alone in a brightly-lit supermarket on Valentine’s Day and has been trying to make Pancakes jealous for weeks now. Also note–in that uninspired text between the two of them, she used his whole name for the first time. Death Knell.

    • When I asked why Jack wasn’t going – a lot of people replied because he’s stationed in San Diego – but at one time, he was going and he must have know where he would be when he made the commitment.

      I just think there’s more to him not going when he once said he was.

      He is slowly backing out of the room is my guess. Wonder where she is staying in SD?

  46. She’s disgusting. Never in her endless braying about her horrendous dating life has she ever talked about what SHE wants to bring to a relationship or what HER part might be in making it work. In her fucked-up little mind, it’s all about finding a guy who’s willing to *literally* worship her and NEVER EVER STOP TELLING HER HOW AMAZE-BALLZ SHE IS!

    • Bloated corpse hand – and by the wedding dresses no less!!!

      No, she is not fucking with us! She is just that crazy! I imagine one of those wedding dressing is smeared with her mascara stained tears.

      PS, I hate that she’s getting hits from us.

    • how is the timestamp on that 8:53 pm? I wonder if that’s why it’s not showing up in my google reader yet.

      also, if that is what a manicure from the elizabeth arden red door spa in chicago looks like, I’ll save my $80 and go to the koreans around the block for a $15 manicure. they at least file the nails so they are all equal length. wtf is wrong with the nail on her ring finger? was she up gnawing on it all night?

        • It does appear to assist in funneling traffic to her site. Perhaps that’s why she is post dating? OR she doesn’t like that we can put two and two together by real timestamps so she is scrambling it up a bit?

  47. Sorry if someone has already posted this but I just now went to her blog and saw this as a caption underneath some expensive-looking earrings. I cannot effing believe she actually posted this, complete with winky face:

    “Romantic! I think these would have been a nice Valentine’s Day present 😉 (at Nordstrom)”

    • Oh don’t worry. Jack got her an iPad for v-day which she told him was too extravagant. I’m. SURE.

        • But she is a social media expert!!!!!!! Having an iPad is like breathing air! (ten bucks says she knew she’d get some sucker to buy it for her)

          • “Yes, I had one back in November, but sold it on Amazon in December because I wanted a 2nd generation. I also bought one for my intern Amanda, engraved with her name! But Jack knew I didn’t have one, which must have confused him because I have every other Apple product. 🙂 I don’t think he knew WHY I didn’t have one though. haha”

            So she did NOT tell the buyer she’d had it for more than three+ months?

            #Fraud

          • I don’t believe her story about selling her iPad because she wanted to wait for the 2nd generation. She sold it because she was desperate for money. Not that there’s anything wrong with being desperate for money, but she’s just such a liar about everything.

          • This intern Amanda explanation is new. It was NOT there last night. Bitch is crazy.

          • A liar’s tell is the sheer volume of extraneous details that accompany every deception.

            Liars get obsessively defensive when called out as liars. Their primary weapon is more bullshit, in the form of rambling, seemingly mundane, but utterly invented details, intended to demonstrate veracity. As though more invented details masks the stench of bullshit.

            You can apply that to nearly every post of hers, including this one on LDRs.

      • He got her an iPad and she still freaked out on him? What is the matter with her?

      • Heart-shaped jewelry always makes me think of that episode of The Office where Pam figures out that Michael’s new girlfriend is married because she’s wearing heart-shaped earrings or a necklace or something and women never buy heart-shaped jewelry for themselves because it’s so tacky. Of course Julia wants some.

        • That scene is two kinds of awesome, because Pam’s observation is immediately followed by Jim knotting his brow and saying, “But you like the pendant I got you, right?” Pam’s hand flies up to her throat to touch it as she stammers, “Oh, except this necklace. I love it!”

    • The posting of pics from her Nordstrom’s shopping trip is bat shit crazy! The statement cocktail ring, white dress, those earrings and pink bag… Yikes, it’s all love themed!! Like if you’re out shopping wouldn’t you think about something that would look fab on you not “this would be perfect for a wedding or my man should buy me this!”

      People like her are very sad & miserable since they only measure happiness from a man or others. That’s not a way to live.. You have to find happiness within. There Jules, I saved you $200 in therapy.

    • She’s right; those earrings look bitchin’ on a donkey:
      [img]http://s1237.photobucket.com/albums/ff464/WorrisomePelts/[/img]

  48. She’s seriously going crazy. I bet she and Jack got in fight and now she’s proceeding to post a million photos of gifts that he could get for her.

    Also, ordering a dress in 2 sizes because you’re unsure what size you’d be is not a “clever” trick by any means. It’s the oldest trick in the book. Right next to getting him to propose by pretending to be pregnant.

    • Well it’s a good thing she told Gawker she was not going to write about her relationship with Pancakes on her blerg, because I was starting to wonder when she was going break that promise and start writing about her relationship with Pancakes on her blerg……oh, wait….Between the photos, fauxtoshoots, tweets, comments and yes even featured articles on her hobby-site, it happened almost immediately didn’t it.

  49. OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.

    She is posting 30th BDay ‘gift ideas’ for Senor Yack on her blergh right now. She has lost her fucking mind.

    “Yoo Hoo! Jack. Jack, Jack, Jack! Hey, boyfriend! Guess what? It’s my birthday next week. Did you know that? That it’s my birthday next week? I’m turning 30! I’m flying to San Diego to let you spend MY birthday with ME. You still there? Hello? Oh there you are! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I know you’re super busy with all your manly military stuff. Like hanging out with your Navy Seal buddies. Um, Jack? Are you listening? I am coming TO SEE YOU ON MY BIRTHDAY. AND I EXPECT YOU TO HAVE SOMETHING SPECTACULAR PLANNED. LIKE DRESSES AND EARRINGS AND LOTS OF GIFTS TO OPEN LIKE MY EX MICHAEL USED TO DO. AND THERE BETTER BE A RING IN ONE OF THOSE BOXES OR YOU WILL BE VERY SORRY. Hello? Jack? Jack? Jack? Hello? You still there? Oh HAHAHAHAHAHA. I thought we got cut off again. Okay. Well, gotta run! Lots of BDay gift idea pix to take and post on my blog. HINT! HINT! Just kidding! I love you, baby. Hello? Jack? I said I LOVE YOU. Damn it. Stupid iPhone. Okay. Well I will just text you the pix so make sure you get to an area where you get better reception. BYE!”

    • Oh wait. Never mind:

      by juliaallison
      “Oh I’m just teasing! Jack got me an iPad, which I told him was way too extravagant. But very sweet!!”

      She was just kidding you guys. God. Calm down. Let it unfold. Can’t you take a joke? You are more than welcome to read someone else’s blog if you don’t get her humor. Have a nice day, bunnies!

        • I thought the same thing! I could have sworn she talked about having an iPad and how she needed to get around to learning how to use it.

          • yes, didn’t she have extra ipad cases, even, which she gave away before she moved? or am I thinking of something else?

      • Even if she got an iPad from him, which I am sure she didn’t – let me break down an iPad gift from a rich guy:

        Two minutes on Apple ordering. No thought. No shopping, no thinking about it, no meaning, no emotion. A click of a button.

        I would be worried.

    • Those earrings are the kind they show in those jewelry commercials around the holidays where I yell at the TV that no woman in her right mind would want something so tacky. Of course Julia loves them.

  50. And now her pics are public on Facebook, when they were locked before. Or at least visible to friends-of-friends

    • Must be to friends-of-friends because I can’t see it. I can, however, see that she is in a relationship with Pancakes. Unsurprisingly, Pancakes’s public page is devoid of that information.

    • I’m a friend-of-friend, and I can only see her profile pictures, not her albums.

      unless I’m not clicking around enough…

      • if you click on the bar of 5 pics under her info, you can navigate from there.

        this is a recent development, i am positive.

    • Yep, friends-of-friends can see her pix now.

      But there must be some problem with Facebook, because all the xmas pix she had up before of her + her BFF Taylor? They’re all gone now!

      If you google ‘Taylor Greason’ images, this is the second pic that shows up:

      http://tinyurl.com/6jmb37w

      Oh the LULZ. They just keep coming.

  51. Srsly, does she not realize how TACKY it is to post a $400 tacky-ass bubble-gum pink purse and CALL THE PRICE REASONABLE? Has she really no clue how normal adults live and spend their money? How can she not know why people don’t like her? She’s a smug, snobby, gold digging idiot without two brain cells to rub together.

  52. LOL … WHAT? Is THIS how she’s getting by now?
    on her fecebook page:

    Vanessa L Chardon-Gonzales
    dear julia….i have come across your facebook due to the fact someone in nigeria is using your photo and using the name sherrie skyler to scam ppl…one of those ppl happen to be my brother…he has sent her money believing she is, well…you. hoping she will come to the united states and marry him…my brother is a great guy just really naive and is going through a lot right now. He believes she is studying fashon in nigeria and is from the UK. please help me stop this person, i would greatly appreciate it…i know you, as a “public figure” would not like anyone using your picture for fraud.
    February 12 at 2:02pm

  53. From Julia’s own public facebook page:

    “Julia Allison is a multi-platform media personality: columnist, television host, “web celebrity,” entrepreneur, public speaker, and prolific Twitterer (who isn’t?).”

    What happened to the “I’m not a celebrity, don’t judge me” bullshit? She can’t keep her lies straight.

  54. Where is Preacher Jim? Because I’d just like to take a moment and thank the Baby Jesus for bringing so much Cray goodness. I’d also like to thank him, in advance, for bringing more Cray up through, and continuing after, the BDay Cray.

    So Blessed!

  55. by juliaallison:
    “Please refrain from calling me a “liar” just because you don’t know the complete situation. I rarely, if EVER, lie.”

    LOL +infinity, in Perpetuity, Throughout the Universe.

    • Okay, it’s against the rules to call Julia a liar, but I hope Manicepisode will ask if it would be okay to call her INSANE!

    • wait wait wait – didn’t see say in the first chatgate that she did have a problem with lying and we helped her by calling her on it??

  56. Confidential to Señor Yack McCain:

    DO NOT forget to swing by Costco tonight to stock up on condoms. You may also want to consider ‘double bagging it’, because The Julia Allison Baugher Find-A-Husband Road Show 2011 Tour is shifting into Threat Level: Red.

    • her constant braying about “OMG PMS!!” reminds me of those girls in high school who constantly talked about BEING ON THE PILL so that you were reminded that they were HAVING LE SEX.

    • protip: search julia and all of her baggage for needles, pins, and other fine, pointy objects. also, do not leave her in a room alone with the condoms. she is famous for her “um…err…oops?”‘s.

  57. Great comment from “Smoocheee” on Donkey’s blog, and then Donkey’s reply. She’s so predictable. If anyone has the audacity to call her on her bullshit, she will often address that person as “dear” or “my dear.” I love what Smoocheeee said.

    smoocheee [Moderator] 2 hours ago
    I find it difficult to believe that anybody sent you an admiring email about your long distance relationship. You hardly talk at all about being in a long distance relationship, so what’s to admire? All we know is you went to his winging ceremony and he didn’t give you anything for Valentines day.

    Reading between the lines, you know it’s over.

    You’re not moving to San Diego, you’re not going to Guam and you don’t have the fortitude or patience to support him while he serves his country.

    You and Jack are obviously finished and you aren’t fooling anybody with your bullshit made-up “reader emails”.

    You seem incapable of being honest about anything. You very obviously come across as a person who needs psychological help.
    Flag
    Like Reply Reply
    #

    juliaallison [Moderator] 1 hour ago in reply to smoocheee
    Jack gave me an iPad for Valentine’s Day … And I’m seeing him tomorrow. Where do you get your info, dear?

    • I love how she replies to these. As if using “Dear” and “Darling” makes her seem “cool”. Just IGNORE comments like every other blogger. Instead she probably sits in her sweats, refreshing her page just waiting for a comment, ANY comment.

      • And the fact that he gave her an ipad makes the argument invalid. Seriously, Julia? That’s your response to someone calling you out on your relationship being a sham? “HE BOUGHT ME AN IPAD SO HE OBVIOUSLY LOVES ME!”

    • She HAS to hang onto the iPad and ‘seeing him tomorrow’ because that’s all she’s got. That reader comment is so full of truth it makes her seethe. There’s a tiny piece of her that knows this.

  58. Totally OT but I can just say how much I like the wallpaper on this page? I have no idea WTF is going on but I see a bunch of tertiary characters in our lady’s shitshow and I just <3 you guys so..

    Carry on.

    • Sometimes when the page doesn’t load for me, I see all the awesomeness that is this background behind the posts.

  59. We already know what’s going to happen here. Jack and Julia are going to break-up, if they haven’t already. Jack will go to Guam for three years. In five years he will marry a 22-year-old.

    The end.

  60. Such an ego-maniacal moron. Because people keep telling her it’s narcissistic to post so many pics of herself on her blog instead of doing any real coverage of Fashion Week, she now believes she’s in great demand as a FW expert and is giving in to the demands of the masses:

    “okay okay okay! I will try really hard to do that next season. The only thing is that because I didn’t do it this season, I was able to produce TWENTY segments for NBC which is NINE more than I did last year. 🙂 I was so so so proud of my work, but yes, it was a trade off, for sure.”

    Please note that she was “so so so proud” of her work. I need to stop reading her blog…it’s so full of brayge-inducing bullcrap.

  61. by juliaallison:
    “I rarely, if EVER, lie.”

    by juliaallison:
    “Taylor is very gregarious but emotionally he’s VERY reserved. The good news is that he’s super communicative and really open, so we figured this out quite quickly. In early November, we decided to end things…

    I was introduced to Jack by his sister about two weeks after that – so meeting him had nothing to do with my Taylor break up.”

    from Gawker.com:
    “It’s true: Julia Allison is dating John McCain’s son Jack…

    The pair have been spending time around Allison’s hometown of Chicago since meeting on Meghan McCain’s birthday, when Allison wrote, “Just when you think you’ve seen everything, you meet someone who blows you away.”

    Meghan McCain’s birthday: October 23, 1984

    • those pictures of her and taylor humping the tiger (or whatever animal) in the restaurant with the other couple were taken within the first two weeks of december. also included in that series was a photo where she sat on his lap. maybe it’s me, but I don’t pose for photos sitting on my guy friends’ laps, particularly if that friend is someone that I was recently dating and we’re trying to re-establish ‘friend’ boundaries.

      • You mean you don’t pose like that unless you are trying to make another “boy” jealous, cupcake cray cray. Right?

      • Also, if i have met some dude i am waaaaay into, i don’t have eyes for other dudes.

        This bitch was OBOing and using Greasy as leverage.

        DOI!

      • Yes I remember because it looked like she made Greasy hold a poinsettia plant. She was all clingy to him and his face was all, huh? Very lulzy.

    • By the way, does anyone know if Megatits and Julia are still friends? The reason I’m asking is because Julia said:

      “I was introduced to Jack by his sister about two weeks after that…”

      It’s highly unusual for Donkey to ever say something that un-fussy when she’s trying to suck up to another woman. I would have expected her to say something like:

      “Jack’s stunningly gorgeous, ineffable, amaze-ballz, talented, ridiculously sexy sister.”

      If I were Meghan, I’d be losing my mind at the very idea that Julia Allison was trying to get her claws into my brother. They seemed to be friends at one time, though, so maybe Meghan is actually in favor of this brother/donkey match-up. It just seemed strange for Julia to be so restrained in her mention of Meghan.

  62. I don’t know what happened in the past few days to make her email herself, have a conversation with herself in the comment section of her own blog, rewrite the past year of her relationship history, lie and then lie about lying, post pictures of the gifts she wants her boyfriend to buy her, and go wedding dress shopping – all in less than 24 hours – but I don’t want any of it to stop. This woman hates herself more than anyone here ever could — it kind of makes me love her.

  63. There is now simply only one explanation for all this crazy.

    Jack is gay. Julia is a beard. He doesn’t care what she claims he does, texts or buys her. She can swan around acting like the gf of Young McCain and throw pity party after pity party once he gets shipped off to Guam. He’s rich and semi-famous and that’s all she can see and all she cares about.

    This doesn’t mean that the crazy is not going to get even more AWESOME around b-day and SD trip!

  64. Um, OT? I just visited this bitch’s website and it says I’ve been blocked from commenting on it, even though I’ve never fucking commented before.

    Psycho much?

      • I got that too the other day, and I had never commented there either. Maybe she suspends commenting from time to time. She’s copped quite a beating today!

        • Yeah that happened to me the other day. I have never commented on her blog. I think she suspends commenting from time to time.

  65. She’s bullied Justin Bobby!

    From her facebook photos:

    In this photo: , Julia Allison (photos), Justin Bobby, Meghan Asha (photos)
    With Justin Bobby from MTV’s The Hills. He’s a douche-tard.
    25 November 2009

    I was frightened to learn that we have 10 mutual FB friends.

    • HOW DARE SHE. JUSTIN BOBBY IS MY LOVE.

      Um, but I just really love homeless looking dudes.

  66. If wearing sweats and going nude and treating her ex like a flatmate killed her relationship, what the fuck is she planning on doing when she cohabitates with pancakes? Dress like june fucking cleaver everyday around the house? What does she think regular happy do around the house everyday? Wear pearls? And maybe it seemed like they were flatmates because that is what the were! When you live with someone you still love them and have sex with them, but you are still essentially flatmates, living together in the same home with all the challenges that brings every day.

    What she will never get is that is wasn’t the sweats and nudity and flatmate stuff that ruined her relationship – that is the part that you get to when you love each other, want to live with each other, and then build the rest of it, the life together, on that.

    I don’t like to speculate on the parent’s marriage, but what happened in that house?
    If she doesn’t realise that after that phase the best is yet to come, the growing together, she will never ever get there.

    Thank god my wonderful cat understands that.

      • Ewww, WHY does she have to stick her lips out so far when she talks? She looks like a duck.

      • Grotesque! Maybe she could get a little bit more black on her eyes…and that hair. It looks so healthy and natural.

      • Ouch!

        I was 29 once and I looked a lot healthier! Those arms.

        Girl, get yourself down to the corner bar until it closes and do 16 oz curls all night. Back in the day, we used to get a wrist workout with all the cigarette ash flicking. I closed Brooklyn bars night after night and still looked years younger than you do now.

        Sleep is your friend. Your best friend.

        Sadly, you’ve cheated on your best friend with restalyne. If you hadn’t, a cold eyepack and AM exfoliation would have left your skin LITERALLY radiant. What you put into your skin – rest, cleansing, moisture, it gives you back tenfold.

        Doesn’t NonSociety have an expert with a “knack for shellac”? Talk to her about cleaning and moisturizing. After that, get a fucking ‘scrip for a mild sleeping pill.

        You look beat, Beast!

    • she looks big compared to everyone else. I was shocked when I saw her in person at a “photoshoot” in central park a few years ago, and realized she was so big.

      • The photographer added this about the cat lay-deez:

        UPDATE 2/22/2011: This photo seems to have surpassed the one day records that any of my photos ever ranked in views on my little old photostream. Most of the views are from a vitriolic site that after some brief research seems to be a cult-like group devoted to hating Julia Allison. I learned one thing from all of this—on the internet, the power of hate seems to be as strong as the power of love…BTW, um, thanks Julia Allison crew for all the views, I think…and please don’t hate me 😉

  67. Her fashion taste is so heinous.

    White dress: subtle, donks. Looks like a prom dress from the 80’s. I can’t imagine anyone looking good in it.
    Rhinestone heart earrings: Rhonda, the overweight middle-aged receptionist at the car dealership with the long fake nails and the Tweety bird clothes wears these when she goes out on the town to Applebee’s.
    I’ll allow the hunter boots, but not in bubblegum pink! Is she twelve?
    Fuggers Kate Spade bag: reminds me of this hot pink Juicy Couture bag I got when I was fifteen. I stopped wearing it out of shame when I turned seventeen because I had grown out of the hot pink stage of my life. Julia, apparently, has not.
    Gingham hooker heels: Looks like something a porn star would wear in a fetish movie. “High class picnic?” Um. No.
    Big fugly diamond ring: Gaudy as fuck.

    • I’m sorry, Rhonda, wherever you are! Here, take this wish box with paper hearts glued on with stick glue and a Macbook Air as my apology! xoxo

        • OK, darling. I mean, I usually buy myself a $500 piece of technology and then sell it back immediately because I’m waiting for the next version, and then have my new boyfriend buy me another one. (WTF Julia is so cray)
          Can I take you to Houston’s for a veggie burger and some Buttprint Cleanse smoothies? xoxo 😉

  68. I tried to write a post about today’s cray, but all I could muster is this:

    Donks is a god damn selfish liar.

    • Right on.

      Regarding not separating the cray into multiple posts of mini-cray, dare i say it’s entirely unnecessary: this thread has developed a life of it’s own.

    • honestly, i just finished watching videos of innocent people getting shot in libya, and i just fucking CANNOT with this bitch today. too much rage, cannot express.

  69. Pancakes MUST be backing off. She is getting dumped not right after the birthday ( too much for Pancakes to handle) but the next visit after. He will tell her she deserves better than long distance and she will post about how as a mature expired woman they were at different stages in their lives. Truth: she would LOOOOOVE to bag a McCain.

    • No way he does it in person. He’s young, and probably doesn’t like confrontation. You just know she’d make a HUGE scene.

      I think he will do a slowly-backing-out-of-the-room type move. Gradually stop taking her calls, phase out replying to texts + emails, make excuses for why he can’t come visit her or why she can’t come to San Diego.

      One other thing to keep in mind: Señor Yack’s MOM is currently in Coronado. She has a place on the beach and spends a lot of time there. She tweeted this yesterday:

      @ CindyhM1: There’s a rainbow on Coronado Beach this morning. It’s going to be a good day.

      Señor Yack is also living in Coronado (per his facebook page). Is he living at the family condo? If not, he is very close. This means that Señora McCain will be keeping a very close eye on her baby. I’m sure this includes preventing Golddiggin’ Grifters like Julie from getting their hooks in Señor Yack.

      • He should ask Michael how well the slowly backing away tactic worked for him.

        Spoiler alert: it didn’t work at all.

    • True this. I think he wanted a taste of his sister’s life and maybe raise his own profile…and having bitten off more than he can chew (donkey marsala) is happy for the move to san diego and Guam. He had to know where he was headed and had this all planned out. Thats what i say. Its easy to do this when you have an escape route already planned out. He can stay the gentleman….

    • Is it normal to have serious PMS symptoms for days? I’m cranky and hungry for a day, and then I start bleeding and I’m back to normal emotionally (and that’s off the pill- when I’m on it, no PMS at all). Maybe I’m just lucky? In any case, my catlady opinion is that Julia should get to some sort of doctor, either a gyno or a psychiatrist.

      • Eh, I get hungry and bitchy but I’ll splurge maybe once or twice. I think it’s different for everyone.

        However, this is all part of her act of OMG I’m a girl, OMG I’m so helpless ect., ect., Seriously, same shit different day. She’s ALWAYS eating a lot of crap (Chocolate, cookies, chili) and er, um, oops blames it on something other than herself.

      • i have PMS for two weeks, but i also have PCOS. i dont usually tell people about it because unlike julia i can actually exercise self control.

    • I really think she tweets about her chocolate scarfing to get attention from Flappy. She did the same thing on Valentine’s Day. She wants to make sure he knows she’s suffering.

      • It’s just part of her eating disordered lifestyle. Doncha know, you do crazy fasts and cleanses and whatnots, then binge your way through Godiva town?

  70. HAHAHAHAHAHA

    So, I was reading through Donkey’s comments and every other one starts this way. I’m not sure what she’s trying to convey here; that she has a sense of humor or that she doesn’t take her readers or her comments to them seriously, but it comes off like she’s deranged.

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

  71. Okay. The Cray is officially full-blown.

    Remember earlier today, when a few of you noticed the weird time-stamps on her blog posts? If you went directly to her blog, you could see the posts. But they weren’t showing up in Google Reader.

    Well, they’ve just shown up, per the time she assigned to each one. I’m in LA, same time zone as Señor Yack. Although she denied posting these pix to give him BDay gift ideas, seems odd that she’d want them to show up now, at 7:30PM PST.

    Makes me wonder if she timed them to show up with a Skype call. She’d be talking to him about her day + getting ready to come out here. Mention something about running errands, packing, picking up some last minutes things for her trip. And then find some reason to direct him to her blog, where he will just happen to see all her gift idea pix.

    We all know how calculated + manipulative she is. I’m sure she’s got it all planned out. However, she keeps forgetting one little thing. He might be young, dumb and full of ‘coom’, but Señora Cindy isn’t.

    • Interesting and I wondered this too. I am in so.cal and could see her posts on her blerg, but they did not show up on my google reader as you said until the time stamped on the entry. My theory is that she is either post dating things to get traffic to her blerg because she figured out we are using google reader or she is messing with the time signature to throw off any sleuthing the donk experts do, or she is trying to make people believe she is not on the interwebs 24/7. Dunno, maybe her calendar is stuck on England time.

    • Didn’t she write somewhere that Pancakes never reads her blog? I suppose he’s “suddenly” interested in what she’s liecasting now?

    • That would require too much cunning and advance planning on her part. My guess is that her blog template is simply way borked and has its time zone set to North Korea or something. I mean, it fucking scrolls horizontally, we can’t rely on it to read a clock.

  72. BTW, I am glad that I get to be the 1st FIRST furst FORCED one to point out that she has BLOWN IT by not getting herself knocked up by him.

    We often debate whether her evil or her crazy is the stronger force within her–I imagine she has the Joker on one shoulder and Lex Luthor on the other instead of an angel and a devil–and we know have indisputable proof that her cray>her evil.

  73. The saddest thing about all of this… is that HE IS NOT EVEN FAMOUS.
    His father is. This distinction would be irrelevant if she, like most people in sane relationships, adored him for who he is. But she doesn’t, she can’t, because all she sees in her narcissism is a faint glimmer of fame. And for her, that is sadly enough.

    The pattern is horrifying. She leeches onto people who are in the periphery of the famous, and latches on for dear life. But sadly, in spite of all her determination, plastic surgery and C&Ds, she just can’t ever seem to make that final leap. Poor girl thinks she’s moving off the bench and into the game, when in reality, she’s just moving one row down in the bleachers.

    It actually makes me really sad.

    Example 1) TK. The *brother* of Dave Eggers.
    Example 2) Randi Zuckerberg. The *sister* of Mark.
    Example 3) Meghan McCain. The *daughter* of John.
    And now, Example 4) Jack McCain. The *son* of John.

    I mean, Come On. Obsessing over their fame, when they’re famous for what – being related to someone who is?

    And frankly, this so-called “social life”of hers is but a mirror of her so-called “job,” for which she ‘s spent years yakking on about celebrities on television, mistakenly thinking that by talking about them… she herself is maybe, possibly, one of them.

    But she’s not. And she never will be. She’s the one on TV simply, tragically commenting on them… just like in her social-climbing private life… she’s the one tragically taking web videos of Jack’s winging ceremony and posting them with truly bizarre, unfounded pride, because somehow, by standing in proximity to Jack, and hence to John and Cindy, it means she’s “made it.”

    The sadness of this parody is truly heartbreaking.

      • Don’t forget James, the college boyfriend of “Well done Julesie” fame, who apparently was from a family of billionaires, and Forman/Lodwick, both wealthy founders, oh also Tumblr Karp. The only consistent thing about her is her gold digging whore ways. She’s disgusting.

        • Not sure either forman or Lodwick were “wealthy.” Lodwick on paper maybe and he came from a rich family. Forman–don’t know about his family, but he never sold a company, right?

        • and don’t forget tim ferriss, or however you spell it. she revealed to rbns that she had briefly dated him at some point…I believe she said it was the summer of ’09.

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