Since I recently professed my love for the Fug Girls of Go Fug Yourself, I thought I would pay homage to that ludicrously and ridiculously witty pair, Jessica and Heather, who blessed me with my favorite word in the whole wide world, “polterwang,” which, if you must know, looks a little something like this. So allow me to get in character so I can attempt my best Fug takedown: Ahem! Dynasty, Diet Coke, Donna Martin Graduates. . . OK!
Donkey: I’m just gonna stand right here. Do you mind looking into the camera?
Dude: Um . . . who is this random. . . um. . . woman? Tranny?
Donkey: I AM NOT RANDOM! I am an on-air correspondent for NBC! Just look at the microphone my intern is holding! Um. . . err. . . why is he stuffing it in his pocket like that?
Dude: No, seriously, I can’t tell. This is a man right? I mean, look at those hands.
Donkey: I also could have been Obama’s speechwriter. That is infinitely and demonstrably more prestigious than that Desirée Rogers, so why is that bitch getting front row seats at all the better shows? She doesn’t even have long hair. How does she expect to find a husband?
Dude: Speaking of hair, that’s a wig, right? That can’t be real. And did you apply that Mac foundation with a paint roller? You’re not gonna bust out and lip-sync some Teena Marie are you? Because I don’t have any dollar bills.
Dude: Or maybe some Stevie Nicks. That dress is sure perfect for it. Are you going to perform “Stand Back?” Because that’s what I’d like you to do right now.
Donkey: Oh, you like my dress? It goes great with my YSL’s from Bergdorf’s. My friend Meghan made it for me. She’s a fashion designer now. She wrapped me in a curtain from the changing room at Hot Topic and stapled it together. Then she kept on pointing at my down there region while waving a roll of duct tape. She points a lot.
Dude: Um. . . do you have a boner? Because I so don’t right now.
Donkey: Intern Jonathan, make sure you get my good side. No wait. . . wait. . . my waist doesn’t look like a size four yet. Let me just twist a bit. OK. Got it? Now let’s get one of me jumping. Jonathan, why do you keep rubbing your crotch like that? Huh? No, for the last time, Katrina’s not going to give you Brant’s number.
Dude: No, I got it now. Halloween is coming up and you are going as Slutty Elvira.
Donkey: That’s a nice jacket. Is it Bonobos? Can I ask you a question? I know you are brown and all, and not the good brown, like my friend Meghan, but did you go to Harvard or Stanford?
Dude: Excuse me?
Donkey: Because if you did, I’m going to need your address so Lasagna can bring over my box of post-its and girdles.