UPDATED: NYFW Fug Or Fab: Julia Allison

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Since I recently professed my love for the Fug Girls of Go Fug Yourself, I thought I would pay homage to that ludicrously and ridiculously witty pair, Jessica and Heather, who blessed me with my favorite word in the whole wide world, “polterwang,” which, if you must know, looks a little something like this. So allow me to get in character so I can attempt my best Fug takedown: Ahem! Dynasty, Diet Coke, Donna Martin Graduates. . . OK!

Donkey: I’m just gonna stand right here. Do you mind looking into the camera?

Dude: Um . . . who is this random. . . um. . . woman? Tranny?

Donkey: I AM NOT RANDOM! I am an on-air correspondent for NBC! Just look at the microphone my intern is holding! Um. . . err. . . why is he stuffing it in his pocket like that?

Dude: No, seriously, I can’t tell. This is a man right? I mean, look at those hands.

Donkey: I also could have been Obama’s speechwriter. That is infinitely and demonstrably more prestigious than that Desirée Rogers, so why is that bitch getting front row seats at all the better shows? She doesn’t even have long hair. How does she expect to find a husband?

Dude: Speaking of hair, that’s a wig, right? That can’t be real. And did you apply that Mac foundation with a paint roller? You’re not gonna bust out and lip-sync some Teena Marie are you? Because I don’t have any dollar bills.

Donkey: Who?

Dude: Or maybe some Stevie Nicks. That dress is sure perfect for it. Are you going to perform “Stand Back?” Because that’s what I’d like you to do right now.

Donkey: Oh, you like my dress? It goes great with my YSL’s from Bergdorf’s. My friend Meghan made it for me. She’s a fashion designer now.  She wrapped me in a curtain from the changing room at Hot Topic and stapled it together. Then she kept on pointing at my down there region while waving a roll of duct tape. She points a lot.

Dude: Um. . . do you have a boner? Because I so don’t right now.

Donkey: Intern Jonathan, make sure you get my good side. No wait. . . wait. . . my waist doesn’t look like a size four yet. Let me just twist a bit. OK. Got it?  Now let’s get one of me jumping. Jonathan, why do you keep rubbing your crotch like that? Huh? No, for the last time, Katrina’s not going to give you Brant’s number.

Dude: No, I got it now. Halloween is coming up and you are going as Slutty Elvira.

Donkey: That’s a nice jacket. Is it Bonobos? Can I ask you a question? I know you are brown and all, and not the good brown, like my friend Meghan, but did you go to Harvard or Stanford?

Dude: Excuse me?

Donkey: Because if you did, I’m going to need your address so Lasagna can bring over my box of post-its and girdles.

Dude: SECURITY!!!!

118 COMMENTS

  1. As a long-time reader of the Fug Girls, I just have to say: alkfnasflshflsfns.

    This (snap). Is (snap). Perfect (snap).

  2. We had Jonathan interview models today for a special segment as a birthday present. Stay tuned for the footage. Hilari-ballz.”

    And now you ruined it by being a condescending bitch about it.

    Can’t you just say that you have a friend (or friend of a friend) (or friend of a frenemy? well anyway…) in town helping you and Cunt Szish out during Fashion Week? Does he have to be designated an “intern”? Does he have to be treated like a “kids say the darndest things” child when you talk about the things you have him do? Do you have to phrase the things he does for you in a way that they are always gift-like, as if he’s just OMGSOLUCKY that you decided to give the bray a rest for a second and put someone actually appealing and cute in front of the camera for once? Not everyone is the hollow-hearted, gasping grasper that you are, maybe he sees it as a favor to you.

    Ugh, and so on.

    • That’s so NICE. She LET HIM interview models for a segment that will never see the light of day!

      She’s so generous.

    • i hate her black-and-white views on what makes men tick. men love models! it’s our intern’s bday so we let him interview models!! for his first week in ny, our intern sure is lucky to be in the presence of models!! god, she is like a fucking pre-teen.

  3. That dude is Louis Sarmiento, an exec at IMG (the entertainment company that produces FW and does other things that would have donkey drooling).

    He seems to enjoy her company:

    LouisSarmiento: With the lovely #juliaallison for Betsey Johnson after party & #arocksnyc (@ Good Units) http://4sq.com/b8kked about 3 hours ago via foursquare from Clinton, New York

    • That pose doesn’t look very friendly to me. Very staged.

      Also, “and not the good brown”, you’re fucking hilarious JP. Or should I say hilari-ballz? What a stupid word.

    • is the #juliaallison hashtag code for “get this fug bitch away from me?”

      “not the good brown” = spot on with the julia-think.

    • Poor Dude, so unenlightened. No doubt he got Julia’s best schmooze on account of his ya know, networking potential. And no doubt she “suggested” how fun it would be for him to Tweet about her and provided the correct hash tag. Yay.com!
      And the platform stilettos rise again!

  4. I read this in my Reader and could have sworn it was directly from Go Fug Yourself.

    Consider that a compliment of the highest honor.

  5. Is it me or do Sheesh’s eyes stretch around to the sides of her face?

    Also, Donks looks way better, if stiff and standing next a man who seems frightened of her, in the first picture than in the second where she looks lumpy and like she’s wearing a black potato sack. The guy doesn’t look as frightened of her in that picture though so she has that going on.

  6. I swear to god there has been some kind of otaku/tutu convention and I had to spend some time with those creatures on my post birthday dinner night/out in Baltimore. brought up Julia and the fetishists thought I was insane and making shit up. go figure,

  7. Morning news: “Hurricane Julia has formed far out over the Atlantic, becoming the fifth hurricane of the season.”

    • I saw that on the news last night too!!! I started to laugh. Wonder if it will fizzle out, you know?
      Another life-infection via mother-nature.

    • I got a good chuckle when I saw “Julia” was one of the names for the 2010 Atlantic hurricane season.

      I’m picturing one of those satellite images of a hurricane with Julia’s big, botoxy head in the center.

    • Hurricane Julia comes to us as a result of Donkey
      fronting for the Oxfam Climate Change campaign

    • I keep an eye on hurricane tracking. The first report I read of Tropical Storm Julia described it as rather disorganized and not likely to amount to much.

      It has since risen to hurricane status although it’s unlikely to reach landfall – heading north to the shipping lanes.

      Chasing free stuff??

      Life infection indeed.

  8. She is skinny-fat now. I guess drinking nothing but juice for weeks (cough*EATING DISORDER*cough) will do that to you. But she doesn’t work out, so skinny-fat.

    She looked better before filled out. I did not think she was fat before, she just has short stumpy legs and big hips. Sorry, there is nothing you can do about that JABs. Now she just looks unhealthy and unnatural, with big hips and short stumpy legs.

    • My real problem with her is that she refuses to work out, but then foists her undefined legs and arms on us all endlessly, AS HER BUSINESS.

      She isn’t fat, but someone wanting to trade on their ‘beauty’ and ‘hot body’ alone needs to work out to define that shit. Even if it still ends up being a bit wider than other people, if it’s toned, no problem.

      Her laziness and continued feelings of entitlement to shove that shit in our faces bugs me. Other women wanting to corner the same market her her sack up and work out. That Julie just feels she can be a lazy bitch and still qualify drives me crazy.

      And i am speaking as someone not trading on her looks as a career. I don’t work out, but the work that i do need to do to get ahead in my career, i fucking do it without hesitation or complaint.

      Am i coming down with the brayge this morning?? Perhaps!

      • No, you are 100% correct. In an industry where people are pretty diligent about their eating habits and exercise to “compete”, so to speak, she’d still prefer not working for it and taking shortcuts. She is apparently completely oblivious to the fact that her cycles are only going to work against her. Intermittent cleanses, followed up with normal eating, combined with a largely sedentary lifestyle, the natural aging process, and all her nip, tucks, and botox. As stated in chat last night (shout out to everyone who came in! FUN!) — DOIN IT RONG. She is (and I assume has been) killing her metabolism and she is definitely not building enough muscle to burn off her calories. She enjoys nearly starving herself while being unaware that doing so pushes her body into starvation mode and boosts storage of fat. It’s the main reason she looks the way she does. For her, BPC “cleanses” and a few pounds (of water weight, naturally) off the scale give her satisfaction. She hasn’t the slightest clue that she’s continuously throwing her body out of wack and she’s LUCKY that it can recover to some extent right now. It’ll just get harder with every year and require more work, which she’ll probably turn to doctors for. Girl just doesn’t like putting in work anywhere, period.

      • @LLFOOLJ: You are correct. I guess that’s what drives me crazy. It’s fucking common sense. And there are actually healthy ways of eating that promote weight loss. Like, solid food that tastes good. And if you exercise-whoa!- your [snap] metabolism [snap] gets [snap], here’s the thing, here’s the thing? FASTER.

        The other things that applies here is that she is a snaky competitive, lying fucking bitch — yet she so clearly does not fully understand her chosen competition and what it actually entails. Shortcuts about and she looks like shit (from hair to face to body).

        Julie: Being a FIEIRCE competitor in your industry, ur doin it rong.

      • Portion control!!!!! Julia needs to stop thinking of sugar as OMG SINFUL because with her real/exaggerated/super cute and not infantile at all dependency on sweets she ends up avoiding sugar for a day and then binging on whole boxes of macaroons (OOPS?!?). Why doesn’t she enjoy one guilt-free cupcake (or whatever she wants! Any food can be part of a healthy diet if she uses moderation!) and then stuff the rest of her gullet with food that is nutritious and filling? I guess not having serious food issues would make her less feminine, which would make her less desirable to men, which would be ten times worse than fatness.

  9. She looks so ugly in the pictures with the guy, and her pelts are revolting. My favorite JP line: “She doesn’t even have long hair. How does she expect to find a husband?”

  10. I mean, I feel like she’s actually trying to look like Danielle Staub at this point.

    Also where did the “I’m not random!” thing come from?

    • Julie went on some Sirius radio show to promote herself and was dissing two hosts from another radio show. She called them douchebags repeatedly and talked them down excessively. As she is Queen Douchebag, one can only guess they weren’t impressed and didn’t give her the fawning appreciation she feels she deserves from EVERYONE. One of them happened to be the boss of the guy interviewing her, and his girlfriend (who has the sort of career Julie could only have dreamed of at this point) called in with her “LOVELY ACCENT” (Julie’s words #whilst sucking up to the woman) and called her “some random girl”. To which she responded “I AM NOT RANDOM, I HAVE A TALK SHOW ON NBC”. Later on Julie attempted to make plans for an apology dinner which, naturally, remains in the queue. The “talk show” was pure legalese as NNN had dropped their show and sold a bulk of TMI Weekly episodes to the never-watched NY Nonstop which she now pretends to represent at Fashion Week, #whilst she is more accurately working as a stringer whose content is never purchased or used…. because it sucks.

  11. She looks so self-conscious in the pictures with Sheesh, trying to suck in that never exercised bod to a sexy figure. Not working pelty. These pictures are all kinds of sad though, they remind me of the 16 y/o average looking girls who make duck lips to try to give themselves defined cheekbones and pouty lips believing they look like models. But most people get over that by, like, 19 at the latest. This bitches are 30/40 and still caught up in their own reflection. Pathetic.

  12. She looks like Liv Tyler in pic #2.

    I should say, Liv Tyler after binging on Oki-Dog and then being found in the alley nearby after having been mercilessly worked over by two guys with a tire iron and garden hose.

    Alternatively it could be polio-chic with the unsteady look and the hand on hip to prop her up.

    The hand-on-hip schtick is getting unbearable. Sheesh is trying to be all carefree in #3 and Julia looks like (sorry, *IS*) her ugly friend with a major case of the insecure frumpies, with her inflexible, legs-bolted-to-the-floor pose, once again with hand on hip.

    FIEIRCE is just FIAIL. The Marcia Brady sucking-in-her-cheeks look just screams insecure 15 year old.

  13. I’m hating that one shouldered dress. It’s ugly & looks dated plus the hair ruins it. She’s just trying to hide that figure of hers.
    I do still like the one below with hair pulled back,,,, go figure. That may be one of the only nice things I could say about the donk.

    • I can’t stand one-shouldered dresses or tops at ALL. This is not necessarily a jab against La Burra, as this frock is probably still 57,632 times better than her usual glittering pink tutus, but for some reason this one-shouldered stuff makes me very uncomfortable. One of your arms must be freezing, no?

    • In A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (the book), there is a very minor character, I think named Flo, who was horribly burned on one arm as a child and later sews all her own date costumes, which she augments as the mood suits with an interchangable long sleeve in a contrasting color. That is all I can ever think about when I see one-sleeved garments.

  14. Okay, Katrina’s face in the last pic almost made me do a spit-take. KATRINA: YOU LOOK LIKE A MENTALLY RETARDED PERSON. That is not a sexy, coy, moddel face that belongs with a fancy dress, that expression belongs on a challenged adult or a stroke victim. Please don a fashion forward Trader Joe’s grocery bag over your head so you do not frighten small children or crack any expensive camera lenses.

    • I think Katrina’s kinda pretty. Snobby as hell and not a very creative or interesting fashion person (money+labels=style seems to be her formula), but she doesn’t make me do a “What the hell is going on there!?!?!” double-take like our Donkeroo.

      I will say that when grown women insist on posing or doing model-face in every photo taken of or by them, I am deeply, deeply embarrassed for them. And that goes for both KS and Donk.

      • She IS pretty (what I would call a “handsome woman”), but the ridiculous posing, pearl-clutching schtick needs to stop. She’s at an age where you think she would know not to take herself so seriously anymore; she needs to relax, smile every once in awhile, and cool it with her obsession of everything “cutting edge,” because partaking in many of those trends without the chutzpah to pull them off isn’t doing her any favors.

    • That picture made me laugh out loud, so did your comment. Katrina Szish, mother of Brant Szish, was obviously going for sexy bitch face and ended up with awkward doofus face. She is not sexy. She should stop trying so hard.

  15. Reminds me of the scene in “Knocked Up” where Katherine Heigl and Leslie Mann try so hard to get into the club but they just can’t cut it anymore and have to face reality.

    Donkey is the pregnant Heigl. Except, she isn’t. Katrina is Leslie Mann, oblivious to the fact that she is too old for this shit.

    Except, of course, I still think Leslie Mann is hot in real life. Katrina is busted up and has no business posing like a wanna-be. So sad. Like teen girls who never grew up and still think they can be a princess.

  16. Photo caption time!

    1. Asterisks as Statement Jewelry: A Non-Trend for 2010
    2. Super-glue Mishap Renders Couple Slightly More Awkwardly Posed but Also Quieter
    3. 40-Year-Old Woman & Cute Bunny Rabbit From 1950s Disney Cartoon Exchange Souls to Delight of S&M Prison Matron
    4. Two Girls Suck in Cheeks, Gut, Passing Bus

  17. Did you guys see John Mayer shut down his twitter account? maybe he got tired of someone’s constant braying.

  18. In the pseudo-prom photo, where is that guy’s hand? Is it missing? Is this an insensitive question? Or has he curled it up into his sleeve/stuffed it into his pocket to avoid contact?

  19. in that first picture with sheesh, I thought sheesh was maureen mccormick (marcia brady). then I realized that, at 54, maureen looks wayyyyyyy better than sheesh does.

  20. I cannot stop laughing at the poses with this man. His Donkey Discomfort ™ is palpable, especially since he is trying so hard to not touch her. I’m sure he’s used to posing for normal photos standing next to someone, not some bizarre, staged, ABBA video looking pose (img. 1) or some butchered Prom Night/Dancing With The Stars type pose (img. 2). I also LAAAHOOOOVVVVEEEE how she’s trying to hold his hand, which is in his pocket in img. 2. HILARI-BALLZ, indeed.

  21. Also, why do you think Katrina entertains this Donk? Seriously, she has a legit career and reason to be at FW. Why would she put up with this shiz?

  22. Bishes! That’s what untoned 138lbs looks like! Bingo arms, Pillsbury Dough Boy knees, and the beginnings of a world class FUPA.

    NonSociety: Exercise is for the Poors! Drink BluePrint Cleanse!

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