Ah, so here we arrive to the real reason why Julia Allison is moving to Los Angeles the OMG Downtown Chicago Condo.
I keep meeting these amazing men who live in San Francisco! And Chicago! And Boston! And even NY! But not LA. HUH!? Ughhhh.
Um. . . who are these men? And is she admitting to taking her husband hunt nationwide because her reputation has castrated her options to find matrimonial bliss in New York?
Also, legalese, my darlings! Notice she said “amazing men” and not “amazing men who are actually interested in dating me.” So expect massive amounts of Twitter and email stalking while she desperately searches for some sucker who has never, ever, ever heard of the internet. She already has a strategy. She wants to change her name again!
I wish my last name were Lavender. Julia Lavender. That’s sort of awesome, right??
No, not awesome. That sounds like the kid that Rainbow Brite and all the other Color Kids called “retarded.” What would be awesome is if Julia Allison sincerely admitted that she is a raging, insane, boner-killing narcissist whose future looks empty and bleak and meaningless because she squandered every opportunity for a successful career and relationship, and that her miserable existence is her own damn fault and no one else’s, and that her fake plastic hair and poofy kinderwhore wardrobe and clomp-clomp heels are ridiculous, and that she has really sausage-y fingers.
A boy can only dream.