Julia Allison, Chicago Bound, Admits to Stuffing Her Boxes So She Can Find a Man To Stuff Her Box


Ah, so here we arrive to the real reason why Julia Allison is moving to Los Angeles the OMG Downtown Chicago Condo.

I keep meeting these amazing men who live in San Francisco! And Chicago! And Boston! And even NY! But not LA. HUH!? Ughhhh.

Um. . . who are these men? And is she admitting to taking her husband hunt nationwide because her reputation has castrated her options to find matrimonial bliss in New York?

Also, legalese, my darlings! Notice she said “amazing men” and not “amazing men who are actually interested in dating me.” So expect massive amounts of Twitter and email stalking while she desperately searches for some sucker who has never, ever, ever heard of the internet. She already has a strategy. She wants to change her name again!

I wish my last name were Lavender. Julia Lavender. That’s sort of awesome, right??

No, not awesome. That sounds like the kid that Rainbow Brite and all the other Color Kids called “retarded.” What would be awesome is if Julia Allison sincerely admitted that she is a raging, insane, boner-killing narcissist whose future looks empty and bleak and meaningless because she squandered every opportunity for a successful career and relationship, and that her miserable existence is her own damn fault and no one else’s, and that her fake plastic hair and poofy kinderwhore wardrobe and clomp-clomp heels are ridiculous, and that she has really sausage-y fingers.

A boy can only dream.


  1. Laughed–oh, get serious, guffawed– so much at the LCD Soundsystem video I feel giddy and a little ill. Worth all my wasted days and wasted nights of Ribness readin’ and writin’.

  2. On the other hand, maybe I just drank too much Vinho Verde to get me through my deadline. Either way.

  3. This is probably the first time I’ve felt genuine, I-pity-you levels of second-hand embarrassment for this trainwreck of a human being.


    • Don’t worry. In short order, she’ll do something so tacky and heinous that you’ll feel embarrassment at ever feeling any sympathy for this bitch.

      • I don’t feel sorry for her – I pity her, the way one would pity the bleats of a donkey put on a carrot-cupcake free diet.

  4. Julia Lavender sounds like a soft-core porn name.
    Also, Jordan is REALLY into lavender – mentions it nearly as much as she waxes about being married.

  5. “How soon can you demand to see photos of the family to find out whether your potential sig other will “age well”? 😉
    about 10 hours ago via web”

    And then she tweeted this right after it. Oh lord. Imagining growing old with men she’s not even dating yet. And yet… she still only cares about their looks. The levels of cray are off the charts. Hopefully her little “adventure” before LA includes a stop in an inpatient facility because this loon has sunk to all new levels of desperation. And that’s saying a lot.


    • Imagine a man looking at her pics of herself through the years and wondering why her face keeps changing so much, and not for the better.

    • Oh lord.

      How about you wait until you actually have a sig other to demand to see photos of the family?

      No worries about her procreating though, this will scare the “potentials” off before the eleven date dl.

    • Jesus christ. And she really wonders why her relationships always fail? I might be a special case when it comes to relationships since I have a cold black heart and ice running though my veins and all, but this woman is clinger of ridiculous levels. NO MAN WANTS THAT. None. Not EVEN the ones who want to control you.

      Just engage in a bunch of meaningless sex already and see how fun life can be once you’re not worried about wearing an ugly white dress and sharing a bank account, Julie.

    • What I really like about this latest insanity, well, besides the obvious, is the oh-so-subtle hint that she is in the position to be PICKY about “amazing men” who are dying to become her significant others.

      “Hmm. So you’re hot, rich, internet famous and rich (clearly that’s all she requires, while everything except “rich” is optional). And of course, like about 40 others like you, off the top of my pretty pelted head, you love me more than you ever loved anyone else, you’ll never even look at another woman now that you’ve found your ideal in me, and you’re more than willing to do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING to make me do you the honor to become your wife. Hmm. Let’s see those family photos you nervously hold in your trembling hand. Hmmmm. Well, it’s a shame really, since you’re so amazing and rich and you adore me so, but sorry, that bald spot your dad has here doesn’t really meet my criteria. You see, suitors like you come a dime a dozen for someone as entrancing as me. Try another chick who isn’t desirable enough to care about her future in-laws’ appearances. Next!”

      • I don’t know that “rich” is optional, but “hot” seems to be. Though, I guess, “hot” is subjective. You did forget to add “Ivy educated” which is really the most important criteria.

      • With the exception of Prom King, I think all the guys Julia’s dated have been quite handsome. I think the King’s fratty/dorky appearance was her biggest point of hesitation with him (rather than her stated caveats that he was younger than she and not well-read.) He was extremely indulgent and slept on a mattress of money, but Donks was more ambivalent about him than any recent beaux. The only aspect in which he represented a step down for her was that he wasn’t very good-looking.

      • Different strokes – I’m one of the ones who didn’t think PK was lacking in the looks department and would be surprised if JA saw him as a step down in that regard. I think it was that he’s just your average white collar dude and not some OMG CEO/founder who went to Yale, Princeton, Harvard, or Stanford. I can see how she looks back and sees Michael as “the one.” (Did Michael go to an Ivy, though?)

    • Julie, sometimes people are able to stay in a stable relationship long enough to even MEET the parents of their “sig other”. Crazy, right?

    • Demand! Demand? Why not ask, like a nice person? Or better yet, not give a shit.

      Demand! This is the shit that makes me not like her.

  6. Also, what “men” in Boston? Isn’t the median age there like 19.2? And the few over 25 are married and commuting from the ritzy ‘burbs. It’s a Puritan state up there. Also, leave Britt’s friends alone (I’m assuming she’s stalking a wedding guest, here, because I can’t think of a time she’s met someone on her own).

    • Good point. It’s some poor fool from the wedding. He’s probably been on the receiving end of endless texts, FB messages and all the rest.

      • heh, yes, that was awesome. “He’s single, ladies!!!!” repeated about eighty times over. I don’t remember that particular guy, though. (I guess I have yet to reach the point where “single male” automatically means “only person worth paying attention to, if only to find out his financial status.”) I think there were more of them, too, or maybe I got dizzy after a while. I seem to recall there was one OMG SINGLE!!!! Korean dude? She said he looked like a “Korean pop star” or something. I’d be somewhat surprised if she dared to go there, though.

    • I think she is using the term “met” very loosely here, and that it actually correlates to “chatted with on Match.com.” I bet her online dating profile attracts a lot of attention — she can use older pro photographs and write in a sort of light, sloppy way that doesn’t intimidate men at all.

  7. Don’t tell her about LCD Soundsystem! or do you want to see her molest it as she has done with Phoenix already? Hmm!?

    Leave her to Britney and Miley and Xtina. It’s all she’s mentally prepared to appreciate.

    Also, I think the Julia Allisons of the NY and their cupcake fetishes probably fit into the ‘bringing me down’ column of this song.


    • Don’t worry, she’s already forgotten about Phoenix. Brit/Miles/Xtina are all a little advanced for her. I’m assuming her musical tastes stopped evolving once she hit the Mulan soundtrack and thought it sounded “weird”.

  8. I think Julia doesn’t want to, or can’t afford to, move to L.A. and is trying to find a reason that sounds good for canceling the move.. I wonder if her parents really do support her these days?

    And if she truly wants to find a man and settle down soon she really needs to stop this “lifecasting” and chasing after fame just for the sake of being famous. No normal man wants to be a part of that.

    • LA is a tough/sad town in the sense that it is full of delusional people still trying for their Hollywood dreams. There’s an air to it that reminds me of the bleak feeling one gets in Atlantic City.

      I loved the weather and the lifestyle options (the beach,hiking), but no one walks there and everyone asked me if I “was in the business”.

      I think it will be difficult for her there given her age and the fact that her job skills are pretty low. I mean, what’s her back-up plan?

  9. Fuck Julia’s plight.
    The real news is Lily gets to go be with her brother, Langdon, and humans who are actually capable of caring for her. I hope she gets to stay in Chicago once/if the Crazy Train leaves that station.

  10. I feel really bad for her next “sig other”–mulia malison knows she’s expiring and is going to get knocked up so fast, it’ll give you whiplash! Shotgun weddings are all the rage these days (eg james vanderbeagle and his ginger model, plus that black singer who sings “no one” (totes drawing a blank on her name)).
    Mulia really wants to see photos of the fam to see if she’ll have cute kids!

  11. Remember the great Find A Man Cross Country Tour of 2010 from a few months ago? Julia was flying all over the place – LA, San Fran, Chicago – chasing after random dudes that she wasn’t even seriously dating. This is it in reruns. She will chase after, stalk and take cross country PLANE TRIPS to go on ONE DATE with anyone she sees as having any shred of potential as a husband. She’ll disguise the trip as “business meetings” or “shooting pilots” or “meeting with my agent” but it’s all about finding a man. It’s creepy and desperate as hell.

  12. That LCD SOunsystem video is the frigging best. I can’t tell you how many people i forwarded it to when I first saw it. It’s funny and touching.

    Please JP tell me you don’t also love The National, Sleigh Bells AND Scandanavian black metal. I think I’d have to switch teams if you did…

    • a Donkeezer is an old, wrinkled, bitter, desperate, spinster type donkey.

  13. I’m considering the LCD Soundsystem video a shout out TO ME! Even though … it’s probably not. Thinking that makes me feel happy so I’m going with it.

    OMG, this must be what it’s like to be the Donks.

Comments are closed.