Let The Packing/Moving High Comedy Begin

121
190

Hooray! Let the Family Circus-calibre witticisms begin!

Megan: Jesus, how many tutus do you HAVE?! Me: Uh … well, I’m probably the only person who moves a box labeled “dishes/tutus.”

—-

Me: Packing my books makes me want to reread them all.
Megan: Why don’t you read the ones you haven’t gotten around to yet, first?
Me: That’s not as much fun.

I can see why Donkey stops everything to blog or Tweet these fascinating and hilarious gems. The television gurus are going to be knocking down her door in L.A. in no time, demanding the script for that “TV pilot” she’s been working on.

Also, she just Tweeted that she is going to be in Chicago for several weeks and won’t be in L.A. until mid-September, yet still doesn’t know where she’s living. All righty then.

121 COMMENTS

  1. Actually she says both that she’ll be in Chicago for “a few weeks” and that she’s moving to LA in “mid-September.” So a month, I guess. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

  2. Oops, posted this in wrong place:

    I’m totally confused.

    @juliaallison what hood will you call home in LA? about 3 hours ago via web in reply to juliaallison

    @nicoleaimee – Not sure yet! I won’t really get there until mid Sept. 41 minutes ago via web in reply to nicoleaimee

    @LatinaBlogger – I’m headed to LA, with a stop in Chicago for a few weeks! 41 minutes ago via web in reply to LatinaBlogger

    So… if she doesn’t have a place (or even a neighborhood picked out) in LA, where is she shipping all of her stuff? To Chicago? And then what? Keeping the shit in the truck while in Chicago “for a few weeks” and then having the truck driven to LA?

    At this point, is she even trying to pretend she’s really moving to LA? How do the logistics work? I thought she got her moving quote for NY to LA. Since she kept saying it was a cross country move. How fuck?

  3. Julia,

    I am psyched you’are coming to Chi-town. Hold down the fort until I move back after achieving worldwide domination through pants.

    Also, can you help me raise some funds while you are home?

    http://www.twitter.com/Bonobos: I’m fundraising an angel round. It will be mostly insiders and a few newbies, but you are welcome to DM me if you are keen. $100k min. ”

    Love,

    MonkeyPantsFutureHusband

    • Monkey Boy has a Stanford MBA and doesn’t know that Reg D prohibits public solicitation for private placements?

      • Sad that I know this off the top of my head, but bananaboy is likely relying upon Rule 504 to exempt the offering from Reg D, and Rule 504 permits general solicitations. Scurrying back to lawyering hole now.

        Wouldn’t normally comment on a stale post, but was amazed that my useless, dusty piece of degree was good for something.

        Back on topic: those two would make a perfect couple, fighting over hair pelts every morning.

  4. I cannot believe the ineffable Miss Julia is leaving the city for good and getting her suburbia on. I am literally tearing up right now. Too bad she can’t ride Cupcake all the way to LA. HA!

    “Life is what happens after you put your tutus in a uHaul.”. –Elizabeth Gilbert

  5. Good to see she sold exactly three small items in her garbage sale. I’m sure getting rid of a dirty bag really cut down on the amount of stupid worthless crap she had to move.

  6. Stupid thing to get hung up on, but THEY’RE NOT TUTUS! From what we’ve seen she doesn’t own a single tutu. They’re petticoats. And she’s a dipshit for owning either. Giving them away to a costume shop and grown up.

    • Even though it’s my damn name, this is true. A real tutu would need to be hung upside down when not being worn and would never be packed away with dishes. Actually, petticoats shouldn’t be packed away with dishes either but this is Julia….

  7. It’s always smart to move to LA in mid-September, after the college students have returned and snapped up apartments.

  8. More hysterical banter:

    “Me: I can’t tell whether I’m just bored with packing already or if I’m genuinely hungry.
    Megan: I’m always hungry. If you ever present me with two options and one is eating, I’ll go with the eating option.
    Me: Great! Let’s ditch these boxes and EAT.”

    What a wag!

    • bonus tip: Lasagna was actually hot before she started hanging out with Donkey. Until about 2 yrs ago, in fact, she had a slammin’ bikini body. No joke.

      Now, in all the recent photos, it looks like she is a few months pregnant.

      • there’s actually a video on julia’s vimeo that shows lasagna when she started hanging out with julia. i think the title is “fauxtograph” or something like that. hmmm i’ll see if i can find something of lasagna from pre-Donkey times. my observation is from In Real Life, though, so it might take a while to find a photo.

        just look at the vimeo for now.

      • @Bouncing Burro —

        right??? when i saw her in 07 or 08, she wasn’t working with donkey yet, she had a real job and real stability. she was this legitimately very pretty girl, dark hair, blue eyes, slamming body (sorry to body snark, but it proves my point in this case)

        since hooking up with the donkey, she’s become a no-job layabout, moved back to lawn guyland, and grifts and enables julia allison. weird situation. but her looks are going down the shitter the more she hangs with the NonBusiness crew

      • i don’t know exactly how they hooked up, but lasagna had some experience in web video, having been an assistant to the assistant producer for some web video stuff (for small time magazines) in the past. she left a stable job doing that to sign on with foolia because her and meg-o-lantern convinced her that NS was going to blow up and be big fuck you money. they needed a producer for TMI and a CEO (ha ha ha ha) for NS because Krystal K really doesn’t like donkey (more like humors her, like she’s her dumb younger sister). krystal wasn’t really into being “CEO” (LOL) but lasagna was willing.

      • Megan was working part-time as Julia’s assistant at least a year before NS. I think the weight gain is more about the boyfriend than Julia.

  9. So I have to ask, now that she’s leaving NY, what’s the end game? I go from hating her to feeling sorry for her and I’m wondering if now is the time to stop caring.

    • Honestly, I think LA will bring the lulz more. If only because she’ll have to drive everywhere and will blog every single parking ticket.

    • Yup, with a direct quote from the “lady” herself:

      Not all ashrams are hiding dark secrets, of course. Sometimes they’re just a big letdown.

      One 29-year-old Manhattanite, who asked to remain anonymous, read “EPL” when it came out, and credits it with introducing her to meditation and yoga. Years later, she says, she went to an ashram after a breakup.

      Lacking the funds to jet to India, she headed to one upstate instead — only to find herself bored, lonely and mired in that depressing time between fall and winter.

      Ultimately, she says, “the people there were interesting, but it didn’t have that overwhelming sense of spirituality and enlightenment that I think people associate with an ashram.”

      Hmmmm, looks like all of her staged photos of swinging swings, empty ponds, and general naturalness were reflective of completely fake epiphanies…shocker.

      • Also, I realize that this quote says she went between fall and winter, but my money says that’s the cray trying to throw us off her scent.

      • totes. we know when she was there. twas not between fall and winter. that is however, the season it must always be in her soul.

      • I don’t think she’s trying to hide it from us. She’s trying to keep her already very limited options open. She can knock it down or talk it up. So manipulative.

      • I don’t think that’s her.

        a. She went in the spring.

        b. She claimed to have read EPL in L.A. in the fall, I believe, back when she was stalking TK or around that time, perhaps right after he turfed her.

  10. Like seriously she is so totally not moving to LA. Who the fuck packs up all their shit, moves back home, only move again a month later?

    Nice try dickweed!

      • How could she be moving to LA in a month if she has no place and no fucking idea where in LA she’s moving? It’s all an elaborate ruse. She ain’t going nowhere. She’s too embarrassed to say she’s moving back home.

    • My guess is she’s waiting for a coin to drop in LA — a pilot to get greenlit or some other miracle. Can she afford to live there without a gig? Will her parents co-sign a lease if she’s not working?

      I think she’s in full-on wishing and hoping mode, and will be in Chicago indefinitely.

  11. Dear Service-y RBNS-ers:

    Because you cat-friends are so darned servicey…. and stylish… and more on trend than I:

    If I can ask off-topic for a moment, I am feeling utterly un-stylish and could use some help. Can anyone suggest some sites that show great clothes put together and maybe even where to get them? Not looking for J Crew or Anthro or the like, as much as I like Anthro. I’m specifically looking for day-to-night looks, cute dresses with an edge that don’t look like I’m trying to hard, stuff to wear to business casual events, etc. The key is that I need total “looks” because I feel helpless in this regard.

    If it helps inspire you, think “what should Julia ACTUALLY be wearing to events or “work” things that she instead doesn’t choose?” And that would make her look like a stylish adult and not someone who is trying too hard to look 16 or 22?

    Thanks!

    • I wish I could help you but I pretty much only wear dresses with various heels and big chunky bracelets. I always buy dresses on sale at Macy’s, various styles and labels, although I can assure you no fucking Doris Day dresses with crinolines and no fucking Aqua.

      The latest great dress I bought was a plain black Michael Kors clingy sort of shift type dress that I wear with funky heels — purple peep-toes are my favorites this summer — and lots of big silver bangles. Black dresses can easily take you into night from day if you mix up the shoes and the jewellery and your hair.

      If it’s cool outside, I add a cardigan. In winter, I replace shoes with boots and the cardigan with a funky jacket. That’s pretty much my uniform and I’m sticking to it. I do have a couple of pencil skirts which I highly recommend but then you have to find tops and that’s why dresses are so much easier, in my mind. One piece!

      All I’m saying is that dresses, shoes, jewellery, cardigans and jackets basically make up my entire day-to-night wardrobe. Sweats/jeans, T-shirts on the weekend. That’s it.

      In related news, how fucking tediously boring.

    • I’m 25 (and make TOTAL peanuts wages at my job) and I just buy most of my stuff from forever 21 (love 21 is their new contemporary line). I know H&M has stepped up their game too, so you could try there for actual shopping. I wear them to a business casual office and then out and about and I always feel pretty appropriate and attractive. Basically, stick with anything a-line or pencil skirty and BAM you’re better than Julia already.

      This is not exactly what you’re looking for, I know but maybe their styled models can give you ideas?

    • Actually, InStyle and Lucky magazines are good for the “novice.” They put together tons of looks and they always tell you where each piece came from. Because of their demographic of working chicks like us, they often focus on office-to-evening.

      Or you could think of a brand you like, and go to their website. Sometimes they have online look books.

      Basically, you gotta start with a good foundation. A couple of simple but flattering dresses, a nice pair of khakis, a nice pair of black trousers, some button-down shirts and some cute-but-dressy tops. BCBG and Banana Republic might be good places to start?

      Once you get the hang of it, you’ll start adding accessories and other extras like a vest or a cool blazer. You’ll also start going to little boutiques and second hand stores to find things you love.

      Start paying attention to what draws your eye. Have fun with it because fashion should be fun and make you feel good.

      • I second InStyle. I’m also a huge fan of Marie Claire – I think their fashion spreads tend to be more realistic rather than artsy as you would find in Elle or Vogue.

        Also, I love love love http://www.lovemaegan.com/. I haven’t been the hugest fan of her outfits this summer but I think she often nabs that fine line between casual, classy, and straight-to-drinks-after-work looks. Lots of cardigans over sheer/satiny blouses, jewelry, etc.

        And I love PWS’ post above. Style that fits your life is an evolving concept – there’s not going be one place that’s going to give you all the ideas.

      • Gotta second Lucky and Marie Claire. Cute, put-together “look” ideas that can be replicated easily with inexpensive pieces. I like the online sites (like Polyvore as someone mentioned), but they’re so much more personal style vs. “anyone can get away with this/modify as necessary” and usually more on the edgy side than biz-casual/simple. Depends on what you like. Shopping-wise, I hadn’t been to Nordstrom Rack in months and went there recently without the intent the buy… left with 4 pairs of shoes. A pair of flats and wedges for work, and an amazing studded heel (for parties or just adding some edge to a pair of jeans) as well as gray peep-toe slingback heels. I didn’t dare start checking out the clothing racks or I’d have done major damage. GREAT stuff though.

    • yeah, i was gonna say something here, but i pretty much wear jeans and a tank everyday, so… but as far as i can tell, there’s tons of outfits and lookbooky type things on polyvore and shopstyle. useless, i know. 🙁

    • I think J. Crew is excellent in that department. Well…their old catalogs at least (about 1-2 years ago). I’m not digging their current stuff.

      You can always ask Mary for style advice.
      HAHHAHAHAHAHA *wipes tear from eye* I crack myself up sometimes.

      • +1

        Hahaha forgot about Mare Mare!

        Like Jacy, I normally wear dresses and mine are casual because my office is low key. BUT I have an event to go to in another city and so I am wondering what to wear. I have time, though, and will check out these sites and magazines.

        THANK YOU!!!!

      • I mean this is a woman who wears harem pants and stilettos to COURT and a beautiful, crisp, classy, white button-down shirt to that electronics convention (EC?). So…yeah. My style guru.

    • Lucky does have some good ‘real woman’ looks. I often get inspired just by women at work, the bar, walking down the street, or store window displays. Not sure where you live but Club Monaco, Zara, Reiss and the like have affordable options. Or you can go get inspirations and decide on the styles you like and pick a similiar item up elsewhere; a lot of times find the pieces in your closet and just mix them up differently. Heels and jewlery can make a simple silk shirt and pencil skirt look stylish. Have fun!!

    • http://blog.jaclynday.com/ Jaclyn Day has been my favorite fashion go-to lately — she has a great, fresh style, shows you where to find expensive-looking styles at cheaper prices, constructs great outfits from online stores, and isn’t uppity. Plus, she has a cute husband, so she’s basically the anti-JA.

      • That’s a really nice blog, GG, thanks for linking. I like her style, both in fashion and writing,

        S 5K P – this is probably less “basic” and more “egdy” than what you’re looking for, but it still might be worth checking out.
        http://whatiwore2day.blogspot.com/
        I discovered this blog last September when I bought yellow pumps (yo, don’t hate) and I’ve had a love-hate relationship with it ever since. Well, both “love” and “hate” seems a bit too strong, but I do have somewhat mixed emotions about it. First, I think some of Kasmira’s fashion ideas are really crazy, and second, before I met JA, I thought it was the epitome of narcissism to pose for a camera EVERY SINGLE DAY with the specific intent to post your pics online. BUT, fact is that Kasmira doesn’t do this to have HER pics online; her point is to share fashion ideas, to inspire and take inspiration from others. While I only like maybe 60% of her outfits, I still check back every couple of weeks to see what she’s up to; because when she’s good, she’s really good IMO, and seeing as she isn’t an idiot devoid of basic “sartorial” knowledge, it’s usually fun even if she’s wrong (IMO, of course).

        Plus, she does these “themes” (green, navy, summer mixers….) and “how tos” (how to add more color to your wardrobe, bundle for a cold commute, layer for fashion….) and maybe you could find some good stuff / practical advice in those.

    • Sweaty 5k, this is a great question and it’s all a matter of educating your eye and your hand ( for handfeel of fabrics) . I like the magazines and sites people are recommending, however, I honed my skillz through years of thrifting and I’m very very tactile, so I say a feel and try on is worth a thousand pictures. So I’d say get your most stylish pal and propose it to her as a little project. Buy some magazines, do some websurfing to see your shapes and colors. Get a sense of your
      1. color season and 2.body type. ( google these they are all over the web). See if you can find a celebrity with your shape and coloring and look at pap shots of them in various outfits, see what you like and dislike. Then you and your stylish pal can go out for 4 hours of hardcore shopping at a department store, where you try on lots of of looks, and you can see many designers fabrics, drapes, styles, colors that you like. Then take her to lunch and the relaxing, preferably mindless activity of her choice as a reward ( just not more shopping!). You don’t have to buy anything this day, this is just to get a sense of what is out there. On another day you and she can hang in your closet for 4 hours while you make looks together from your closet and figure out what you need to buy. On a third day you two can shop for a few things to fill in your closet and think about how they combine. Be sure to repay her with something she sucks at – cleaning, financial recordkeeping, cooking her a great meal, whatever, and its a win win. The way to attack this is like learngn how to cook – as a fun new skillset about what colors, shapes textures you like, and what makes you feel good. And again if you learn what season colors you are and what body shape you have, ( just google these, they’re all over the web ) it will eliminate whole categories and simplify life. Have fun!

    • Sweaty, I really like http://www.styleyourlifeblog.com/

      She has a great eye for putting together cute outfits, and she’ll even respond to questions from readers. She also tells you exactly where to get something, and she usually picks affordable items.

    • this beautiful plus-sized woman in Australia writes one of my favorite fashion blogs: http://www.frocksandfroufrou.com

      give it a chance despite the face that JA has ruined the word frock for all of us.

      i thrift almost everything i wear and i’m still working on transitioning into real adult clothing… but i love Lilli’s style and attitude.

  12. Imagine dumb Megan packing away as Julia stops every 12 seconds to twitter/update blog/take pictures/look at herself/etc.

    I hope Lasagna is getting paid for this shit.

  13. So her stuff must be going to LA in storage, right?

    [Julie, please confirm or deny via your twitter or a ‘reader email’ on your blog, I mean, business.]

    But seriously, she is obviously waiting on something to come through to fund the final plunge / inspire Momsers and Dadsers to co-sign the lease.

    Downtown condo, indefinitely!

    I bet she will cook up another fauxmance to justify her staying in Chicago (you’re welcome, Julie).

  14. Latest tweet: she finally fucking booked a ticket to leave NYC. Really, lady, it took you this long? You’ve been talking about the great egress for months, and yet you wait until you have less than 48 hours to get out of dodge to make concrete logistical plans? Sweet christ on a cracker.

    • the one-ways out of jfk saturday on jet blue are all around 300$, except for one cheap flight at 8:45 pm for 150$, so a sensible person would pick that flight. Now of course that tells us very little about how much was charged to Peter Baugher’s Amex for this ticket saturday, so she could be on any flight. But my money is on an 8:45 departure on Saturday. The countdown clock is updated and rolling as we speak. I will be raising a glass at 8:45 and I invite you all to join me no matter where you are at 8:45 saturday night (most of you in your basement i’m sure) to raise your glass and let out a shout! we’ll hear yelps ring out across the building tops of the fine city, reaching all the way out to lasagna in the countryside of long guyland who will no doubt be cheering with us. it will be just like 101 dalmations really. the colonel, captain, and sergeant tibbs and friends will all be barking the signal as Cruella de Vil takes flight.

    • “[S]he finally fucking booked a ticket to leave NYC. Really, lady, it took you this long?”

      When you’re not paying for the ticket who cares when you book the flight? Donkey would put off buying airfare for a trip at Thanksgiving until the week of ’cause she’s that big of a cunt face and drain on her parents’ and grandmother’s wallets.

  15. She claims that she will be back to NYC for Fashion Week. (Why?) Then after that, she will be moving to LA. Also, Failure to Press the Learn Button, she has just confirmed that she won’t have access to her stuff until mid-Sept, so I guess she is putting it all in storage. I love how she confirmed that for you, just like you asked!

    • I know! But when you think about it, we are the only ones paying any attention to her these days. True, we pay attention to laugh, but all attention is good attention when you are an NPD Histrionic!

    • Color me confused. She bought a one-way ticket … to where? If she’s going to Chicago and coming back to NYC for Fashion Week, why not a round-trip number? It’s fruitless to dissect her mania and half-truths, but … wha?

  16. No matter where she is moving WHY WHY WHY is she (err … Dadsers) bothering to pay to move her shit in the first place? She owns shitty particle board furniture and piles of cheap, disposable clothes. She is an episode of Hoarders. She can’t be charitable for once in her life and do the easy thing and haul it all to Goodwill? Jesus.

    • she would be so much better off, financially and emotionally, to throw out almost everything and start over. she has a handful of expensive things (mostly electronics) and the rest can be repurchased for less elsewhere, when she really needs it, compared to moving it just to end up storing it again (which costs more $$$). then she has to pay someone to take it out of storage and deliver it.

      see how little sense this makes?

      her parents are paying for the move, and in doing so are just enabling her more. gross. peter and robin–you suck!

  17. RE: Lasagna – where are the more recent pics? I remember there was speculation she had a ravioli in the oven months back, and then I haven’t seen a picture of her since.

    • over the last year, she’s easily gained 25+ lbs. the last time i saw her, she looked like she had a bun in the oven. i’m not sure that julie has posted pictures of this, but maybe she has. maybe some pictures with her new guido bf from lawn guyland? didn’t they go on a double date once, bc PK was also from lawn guyland?

    • Holy shit. The tweet feed is straight up insane. Everyone should go read up on that.

      Btw, I remembered that in 19th century, women with such erratic behavior were diagnosed with “Hysteria.” The wiki entry for that “condition” contains all sorts of entertaining, educational and semi-relevant facts. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_hysteria

    • My first foray into Julie’s twitter feed. “I wish my last name were Lavender. Julia Lavender. That’s sort of awesome, right??” Yes, if one wants to be a bottle of eau de toilette or is using homsexual code circa 1965 or is an insufferable child in a Bil Kean cartoon or . . . Help me out here!

      • Jasonfried: “The last two weeks have reminded me that it’s still all about the basics.”

        JaBa: “@jasonfried – That’s what SHE said! Wait. I’m not sure that works. hahaha”

        She’s wooing him with her scintillating wit.

      • She’s like the black hole of wit.

        On a related note; the hahahas, ummms, errrs and ooopses make me want to punch the screen.

Comments are closed.