Julia: Just In Time For Her “Move To L.A.,” She’s Twitter-Stalking Her “Dear” Former Already Hooked-Up Hookup

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So, I’ve never done “Follow Friday” before, but my dear @TophEggers is becoming restive about his low follower count, so just add him, mm’k? about 9 hours ago via web

Oh that’s funny. Her “dear” TK. The one she went nuts over after a couple of dates, blogging about how she OMG OMG OMG had a BOYFRIEND!!! and she was moving to L.A, and then it turned out he actually already had a girlfriend, and suddenly she was not moving to L.A. but instead having a complete mental breakdown on Twitter because she was THISCLOSE to having a boyfriend who was a semi-celebrity and she was foiled.

Here’s a little snippet that shows her high opinion of her “dear friend” while they were “dating.” Love how she inserts the [joking] in this re-re exchange that she thought was so profoundly funny.

Me: Let’s order from Dojo’s.
Megan: They’re cash only.
Me: No way. Really?
Megan: Yeah. But I have like $40.
Me: [joking] Whoa. FORTY BUCKS?! I’m gonna order *TWO* dinners.
Megan: I might have $50.
Me: Seriously?! Don’t front!
Megan: You gonna go look that up? Code Name TK totally outed you for not knowing what it meant.
Me: Whatever. Like HE even knew what it meant.
Megan: Um, he totally did.
Me: That’s because he reads Urban Dictionary for fun on Saturday night with all his little hipster friends while they drink PBR and compare the respective ages of their decrepit Converse.
Megan: Oh, SNAP. You totally served those hipsters!
Me: I totally did. They better check themselves …
Megan: … before they wreck themselves?
Me: Before they ironically wreck themselves.

108 COMMENTS

  1. with her new, improved plastic hair, how could toph *not* like her better now??

  2. This conversation did not happen. Quiz: How many of you remember conversations of this length…with (gag) witticisms so cutting and cute?

    Julia, just be normal; you’ll go farther in life. You don’t ever want to look back on years of your life and cringe.

    We’re cringing for you right now.

    • My favorite example of this ever is when she referenced that conversation with Billionaire Exboyfriend “word for word” or some shit, which she posted, about how he was like, “you are the greatest thing that ever happened to me” and went on and on and then she DROPPED THE PHONE she was SO AMAZED. It’s in the Rebloggling glossary somewheres…

    • Seriously. Considering the length, what are the other options? Is she mid-convo and taking note of the exchanges, forming her responses as necessary #whilst conversing in order to have them come across as cute, twee, funny, witty, rom-com approved? See also when she lists the timing of her convos – 45 minutes, 1 hour, 3 hours! Is she marking the start/end times of conversations and rounding accordingly, or sitting there with a stopwatch all “annnnnnd… go!” then doing most of the rambling herself to give the impression her/her thoughts and ideas are just. so. fascinating that, why yes, people are willing to sit and listen to her for X minutes/hours! Yawn.

  3. I’m on good terms with most of my exes and I don’t do this weirdo stuff.

    IF SOMEONE DOESN’T WANT YOU, MOVE. ON.

  4. She’s a terrible screen play writer.

    I kind of think his g/f dumped him and he couldn’t find anyone new and let some donkey back into his life. Only Julia would move cross country to be near some guy who is pretty obviously using her until he finds someone better.

    • Something weird happened in LA — remember that Tweet?– and it’s not clear where she was staying, so you may be onto something.

      And it would be totally impossible for her not to hint that she’d been with him again if she had. And this might be that hint.

      • I totally think this is the case. What a loser she is. Normally when I have time to process when a guy treats me like shit it’s over for them. She’s really ridiculous and he’ll just do the same shit again.

      • Yeah, I could be off of course, but it seems like a typical Julia ‘Yoo Hoo, RBNS, look who I’m talking to again, boys love me see they do’ hint. Plus, from Toph’s POV, who among us hasn’t recycled a past hook up or two? It’s easier!

      • re recycled hookups: Yes, and to us norms it’s often in our most shameful, dark times we dip back into those previously poisoned wells.

      • Sounds like his gf dumped him and now he’s horny. He’s hooking up with Julia and she thinks it’s a relationship with a future. We’ve all been there in some form or another, but most of us don’t put our stupidity online to slap us in the face later, when we realize what the real deal is. So, yeah. This isn’t going to end well.

    • But she hasn’t posted any smiley faces so she hasn’t gotten any… More likely she stalked him into a coffee, he was polite, she blew it into some histrionic I Could Make This Happen and it ‘helped’ her decide to move. I don’t think she would EVER be able to rekindle something with someone and not talk about it , esp during Little Guy Wedding Week….slightly OT but I just re-read The Slaves of Solitude, anyone read it? Its a fucking great book- and this storyline, nay this whole blog, reminds me of its plot…We’re Miss Roach and she’s Vicki Kugelmann.

  5. As Julia would say… HAHAHAHHA

    @juliaallison you know it’s not YOUR wedding right?

    @sarahchristine – WHAT?!! IT’S NOT!?!?! crap. I better return the giant white dress then.

    Ummmm, Miss Havisham? It’s not funny or self deprecating when you really do BUY GIANT WHITE DRESSES.

    http://julia.nonsociety.com/post/213870899

  6. I can’t believe she thinks that is funny.

    Also, it’s awesome to be friends with a dude who had a girlfriend while he was pretending to like you. Good way to stand up for yourself, asswipe.

  7. Also he only has 69 followers still so, no one gives a shit what she says. As if that’s a surprise.

  8. I was just about to make my popcorn and watch Bridesmaidzillas, now the TK crazy starts? Which to watch first? I Didn’t Know I Was Single, Real Nail Techs of New York City, Thirty-Somethings in Tiaras, or Say Yes to the Hideous Bridesmaid Dress?

    • you’ll just have to WERK that remote, Granny! Do you have picture-in-picture???

      • There are so many buttons though! I called Julia to ask for help, she said it was before 1PM, how dare I wake her, don’t I know her wedding is tomorrow?

    • Granny, can you tell us how this wedding weekend is going to UNFOLD considering your daughter in law doesn’t speak to you? Awkward!

      • Well, I am still waiting for my letter carrier to deliver my invitation. I only live a few miles away, I didn’t think it would take this long to get here.

      • is the nutty grandmother really *not* going to be invited? how does that work? that’s the grandmother julia hasn’t talked to in ages, right?

      • Whore, JA hits up GranGran for checks, pancakes, and advice she won’t take. Momsers is the one that hasn’t spoke to her mother-in-law in years.

      • It’s ok, bunnies. I have a Daughters of the American Revolution meeting tomorrow afternoon at the Pancake House.

        Julia will be a dear and take videos for me:

        Julia getting dressed
        Julia before walking down the aisle
        Julia’s walk down the aisle
        Julia during the first kiss
        Julia’s first dance with Britt as a married man
        Julia dancing with her father
        Julia eating wedding cake
        Julia being the only single woman during the boquet toss
        Julia getting a garter slid over her thunder-thigh by an acne-covered 14 year old 2nd cousin from Milwaukee
        Julia drunk, being carried through the threshold of her room and getting put to bed by Dadsers.

      • Oh man, I cannot WAIT to see what level of “I am drink” the Donks reaches after the wedding. Drunken twitter breakdown in 5..4..3..

      • Yo, NGM ~ Don’t forget to watch the special features Family Circle portion of the DVD, for:

        I’m totally having Lilly dog
        in my wedding, though.

        Me: Can Langdon walk down
        the aisle with me?

        Britt: No.

        Me: Why not?

        Britt: No.

        Dad: Because he’s not Catholic.

      • $10 says that julia assaults any single woman who dares try to block her from catching the bouquet.

  9. Not “dear friend”, just “dear”, as in “WE’RE INVOLVED, SEE?!!!”. Since that’s an exact 140, I suppose “darling” couldn’t fit. As SS pointed out to me this morning, JA isn’t even among the 17 her “dear” TK is following. Sad. 🙁

  10. Me: Can Langdon walk down the aisle with me?
    Britt: No.
    Me: Why not?
    Britt: No.
    Dad: Because he’s not Catholic.

    How is this in any way funny.

      • Her parents’ fucking dog.

        Sausage: It’s NOT in any way funny. Why does she think these exchanges are hilarious? Why?? Why???? Why??????????

      • Why doesn’t she listen to her own self? Britt does seem to think she’s an annoying mosquito he wants to kill dead. Why, if she KNOWS that, does she still pester and pester? If she writes down her flaws, why can’t she change them?

        #eternalmystery

      • I would be embarrassed too if my sister kept posting that CREEPY AS FUCK picture of them together. EWWW.

    • You know what that means? It means none of the groomsmen want to be paired up with her. How amaze-ballz would it be if she is the odd donkey out, with no escort? I will die laughing, mark my word.

    • She can’t just be fucking normal and walk down the aisle—since she’s not wearing the frilly white dress, she needs something else to draw attention to her. She’s tried for the dog, now what? Sparklers? A tiara? A lame banner across her flapjacks declaring her “sister of the groom?”

      • I guarenfuckingtee she will put on some kind of tiara-ish clip thing if not an actual tiara. Britt will probably tell her to take that shit off, it’s not her wedding, but momsers will side with her little baby princess and Julia will get her tiara.

      • You know, she’s going to make a toast at the wedding in which she and her blue feelings will be the primary focus. And then she’ll throw out the “I’m single” vibe, and deride all the men who hop to her call with her “save me!” bathroom tweets.

      • Thundercalves, She Are Drink, Delusions of Bradshaw, Mad Yoga Skillz, Super Saggers & Creepy Daddy Issues

        Jordo’s tiara!

    • If it was my wedding and someone in my immediate family vocalized this question to me i would tear their fucking face off.

      Go fuck, you moron!

    • Why does Britt even need to GIVE A REASON? It’s his fucking wedding, Julie! He can say ‘no’ and not give a reason – as he is the one actually getting married. And asking ‘why not?’ is the height of rudeness.

      Because you know Julie would flip out on anyone who would dare ask ‘why?’ when she pulls out the crazy at her wedding. It is HER WEDDING! She gets what she waaants!!!

  11. The above exchange also illustrates why you never let Jules know that you have cash on you. She’s immediately go to be like, “GIVE ME SOME!!!”

  12. I teach ESL in Korea, and bless JA’s heart, but the above exchange with Megs sounds like the special “slang” chapter in one of my out-dated middle school conversation text-books.

    I’ve always suspected Megs of being ESL, but Julia has no excuse.

    • Hey WTF?
      totally off topic but how do you like teaching? Were abouts in Korea are you, if you don’t mind me asking?

      I’m looking into going to Seoul and just trying to get all the info I can!

      • jpa: sorry mods if this is getting way too off-topic, but i may as well be service-y while being a hateful biatch.

        so far I’m finding teaching in Korea quite fun. It’s not a gig for life (obviously), and I do plan on seeking a professional teaching credential in the States. But it’s a great way to save money for a few years while travelling.

        This will probably out my Tumblr/online presence, but I live in Gwangju.

        Don’t know how much you know about the process – I’m teaching in a hagwon (as opposed to a public school.) Hagwons can be a crap-shoot in terms of bosses trying to take advantage of you, but the benefits are smaller class sizes, generally more money, and unlike the lottery system of EPIK and GEPIK you always get to choose your school/talk to former teachers before beginning at the school.

        I like my hagwon. Definitely ask to e-mail or call the teacher you’d be replacing, if you get an offer. If a director doesn’t let you do this, that’s a red flag. And it’s really nice to get to know the kids personally, most of my classes have 6-10 kids.

        Public school has more holidays and usually guaranteed benefits, but unless you apply to the school individually and you know they have an opening, you would be placed into public school by a lottery. I know some people who love their public schools but FYI, both GEPIK and EPIK are lowering vacation days and possibly lowering pay next year. The reason is a recent influx of ESL teachers due to the shitty economy abroad.

        anyways, sorry for the novel! if you want to read (sometimes negative) experiences and get more advice, check out daveseslcafe.com. i also recommend gone2korea and teach esl korea as recruiters. have heard good things about saykimchi as well.

        hope this helps!

      • @wtf, I have a friend who’s teaching in Gwangju! Not going to name names but I wonder if you’ve met.

      • (LOL, I should change my user name because “wtf” makes it sound like y’all are saying wtf? when replying to me.)

        JP, it’s possible I would know your friend, depending on his whereabouts. Do you know what city he teaches in? Most of the expats I know are in Gwangju, but there are a few near the Seoul area.

  13. Oops wrong thread. Sorry for reposting.

    It’s so obvious what’s going on here. I think Julia’s burned bridges with all her matchmakers’ clients and is moving to another city to get a fresh start. I’m sure she would love for it to work with Toph, but I’m not worried about that happening. She seemed sad when she left LA, and she would have been bouncing off the walls if he had paid her any attention.

    And all this Janis stuff is blowing my mind. Remember this?

    http://julia.nonsociety.com/post/75956490

    Janis Spindel is the undisputed grande dame yenta of New York matchmaking, with the subtlety of Rosie O’Donnell and the tact and modesty of Donald Trump. Blustery, loud, pushy, unnervingly confident, she claims an astronomical, fairly unbelievable number of marriages (in the range of 800), although – as she repeats ad nausea – “because of the stigma I have NEVER been invited to a wedding!!!”

    Ah, yes, the “stigma.” So why do men hire her? I ask. “Because I do the EDITING for my guys and I NEVER try and fit a square peg into a round hole,” she responds in an email, “they are VERY busy and they want it all. The 4 “B”s BEAUTY.BRAINS BODY BALANCE and where r they going to find HER?? I deliver exactly what they r asking for THEN I just leave the rest up to ‘chemistry’ and the ‘universe.’”

    Apparently Janis – or the universe – wasn’t super clear on what I was asking for, because when my date rolled up (in a towncar he had hired for the occasion), out stepped a fellow at least – at least – twenty years my senior, with what might charitably be described “not quite a full head of hair.” After presenting me two CDs (Kings of Leon! And some other group!) still in their Virgin Megastore bag, he announced that we’d be going to Bagatelle. Bagatelle?? On a first date?!? On ANY date?! It’s basically a bumping discotec, with all the charm of Marquee. Why not just go to Cipriani’s for models and bottles?

    Fleeing to the ladies’ room, I hysterically twittered “Oh myGOD I’M TRAPPED IN THE BATHROOM AT BAGETELLE SAVE ME FROM THIS DATE!!!!!!!!”

    When I emerged, my date stood there smiling with two glasses of red and an admission that Bagetelle was indeed an awful choice, so would I mind if we moved to Aquagrill? I didn’t mind at all – Aquagrill (210 Spring, 212.274.0505) is arguably one of the best restaurants in the city for first dates. The atmosphere and meal were pitch-perfect, and he turned out to be energetic, funny, intelligent and interesting – and one of the least skeezy men I’ve met in New York. I had judged him on his age and his appearance, and I was ashamed of myself.

    What a cunt. A cunt with short-term memory loss, because she spent the entire cruise in the bathroom tweeting about how awful it was.

    I seem to think after Eater Dude dumped Julia, she started using matchmakers so she wouldn’t have to go explore the city and meet men on her own. She had leeched off Alex, then Michael, and Michael had helped her build a career. She didn’t need him anymore, and moved on with the College Humor crowd and Gawker circles. After she exhausted those options by early 2009 (not longer after RBNS was “founded”!!), she met with the matchamkers and wrote this article.

    A year later, she was bored and depressed and tired of the dinners and cold conversation. But by now it’s all she knows.

    Good luck in LA, Jules!

    • It wasn’t that Bagatelle possessed “all the charm of Marquee” (which she sweetly selected not-too-long ago as the venue for Allie’s bachelorette party), it just brought back bad memories!

      “Then a late dinner at Bagatelle (on 13th in meatpacking) with Krystal, Sara, Emily & Trish. I binged a bit – french fries and those ice cream things covered in chocolate sauce, which I’m holding up in this photo … sigh. Something about the end of fashion week made me want to inhale thousands of calories. (On behalf of the models??)”
      – Feb ’08

  14. I can’t even process all of this. I’m still stuck on the fact that she asked for $25 back from a matchmaker. Seriously. Think about this. Her cheapness is down the list of her unattractive qualities. But it’s there.

    • Then there was the time she asked to “borrow” someone’s PMC login/password to grab photos from the site. Access to their database is $10/year. How fuck.

    • Guess there haven’t been any takers on the little girl canopy bed or sweat stained DVF wrap dresses.

      • Didn’t she try to sell her sweat stained DVF dresses once before? Wasn’t it around the same time she tweeted about selling an expensive watch? I seem to remember her wanting to consign her ugly cheap clothes to an upscale resale shop and everyone here laughed at her.

        I think it’s strange how she pretends to spend so much money or “complain” about her huge bills but it slips out that she is in fact very, very broke.

      • Yup, but now she’s having an “Online Garage Sale”. Everything must go before the move to LA!

        (Translation, as many have pointed out: The OMG Downtown Condo already has a bed, no need to take the princess bed.)

      • around the same time she “gave away” some gift cards… meaning that she gave away 100 gift cards to anyone willing to pay 95 bucks. or something like that. i’m not joking, you can look up the actual numbers if you’re interested. it was hilarious. something like a gift card with 104.75 on it, but you only had to give her 100. LOL

      • Whore, you’re right!

        “And now, speaking of gift cards, it turns out I have $575 in Sephora gift cards, which I would love to get rid of for $525 cash (or paypal). I also have $442.01 in an Armani Exchange credit, which I’d love to give away for $410. Anyone game? Email me! Julia@NonSociety.com

        I can’t believe she was trying to sell off gift cards that she obviously grifted/shilled for. No wait. She asked for $25 back. Yes I can. What a silly, tacky hick.

      • yes, that was the best thing. gift cards she got for free. and then tried to sell for 90 cents on the dollar, after clearly not having used them very much, if at all.

        LOL…. so so so tacky

      • Who the hell would spend over $500 on SEPHORA gift cards only to save $50? That is completely fucking insane. ANyone who has $500 to drop on cosmetics is not worried about $50. She’s such a moron.

      • plus why was it so hard to use up those cards? I don’t even wear makeup and I am sure I could manage to spend $500 at Sephora. I’m sure there’s makeup cases (where I could store my paints or my kids matchbox cars) or SOMETHING there I could buy.

        Lord, please try me. I am willing to take on this challenge.

      • @JFA

        right? i’m shocked she was rejected from business school. she totally understands the type of person who’d be in the market for cosmetics at cheap(er) prices… and how much cash they’d be willing to plunk down to get the card.

        what a moron.

      • @Stalker See, you’re thinking like a normal person. Sure, later, Julia will want makeup and she’ll whine and complain and mooch to get it, but for that ten seconds she wanted cash. And when Jules wants cash, only cash (or paypal) will do.

  15. God I hate when she tries to be witty and current when she’s always years behind. Oh, and Toph isn’t even following her on twitter, is he?

  16. Only slightly related, but for some reason the #FollowFriday deal gives me the ragies. DON’T BE TRYING TO TELL ME WHO TO FOLLOW! I’LL FOLLOW WHO I WANT TWITTERS!!1!!

    Um… what? Sorry, I think I just fell into a fugue state.

  17. Man, her twitter stream is all sorts of crazy today. Can’t wait for the wedding.

  18. Best part of her Toph FF: he’s not following her. I admit, I am a psycho when it comes to guys and even I wouldn’t do this shit. You keep the crazy to yourself, baby! That’s what Xanax, and a substitute freak, is for.

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