Annnnnnnnnnnnd, We’re Back

Awwww, it was just a tiny misunderstanding that has now been taking care of. Let’s get back to business, shall we? I know we have a lot to catch up on but I’m going to have to make this short.

So anyway, remember how Julia Allison said she was going to Harvard Business School to make fuck you money? Or how she just got rejected to Stanford business school just recently, even though they totally should have let her in because her online lemonade stand is SUCH a successful business?

Yeah, both aspirations turned out to be miserable failures.

Anyway, remember Code Name Totally Kaput, the brother of the literary wonderkind that Julia was dating because he was the brother of the literary wonderkind? Remember how she was so in love with him after, like, two dates that she was willing to move across the country for him? And then remember how he supposedly had a girlfriend? And so Julia tried to destroy that relationship by relentlessly email stalking said girlfriend?

Yeah that was awesome.

Anyway, said girlfriend just got into BOTH Harvard Business School and Stanford.

Next, I hope Leven gets a starring role on Gossip Girl.

Speaking of, we’re hearing whispers that Julia’s Gossip Girl obsession bled into her real estate search. Word is, that she looked at a building that has parquet floors where a certain dapper Britt lives and tried to bray her way with a discount by claiming she was an internet celebrity. Oh, and she wanted to make a video of her apartment search and mention the buildings multiple celebrity tenants. As you can imagine, that went over well with apartment management, who made a flurry of calls to multiple publicists warning them of some strange donkey in Steve Madden hooves who might show up to film sets with either a boiled bunny or lotion in a basket.

Needless to say, her application to live in said building was denied.


  1. Well, thank goodness! I was getting bored picking lint out from between my fat rolls and eating pork rinds here in my stepdad’s basement!

    • And I wandered up the stairs of my basement apartment and was accosted by this sun thing. Please let me get back to the catladiez!!! And bitterness!

  2. juliaallison: The reason for my freak out? I got this horrible, sinking feeling I wasn’t supposed to stay in NY. And so it’s settled: I’m moving to LA.

    juliaallison: Okay so now I’ve decided the city, um … WHERE in LA? My friend @MilesFisher thinks I should try Hancock Park. Thoughts? I like nature!

  3. Whew! So glad RBNS is back. My bf, er, um, oops, my Cat Man Friend was getting really tired of me telling him about all the drama on her and with Donkey.

    PS…her donkey hooves are the reason California has earthquakes.

  4. Well good. Wouldn’t want to miss the meltdown over Britt’s wedding and the Goodbye Party of One.

  5. What a crazy liar face this Julie Albertson is.

    I will believe the LA crazy when i see it with my own eyes.

    It is clear that NY doesn’t want her anymore, but as a former west coaster, this bitch it way too up tight, improperly styled and just not cool enough. Well, she is not those things in NY either but… Chicago was the obvious choice honey.

    Oh, and the 10,000$ deposit??? RLLY, porkchop??

    • SRSLY. I do not understand this 10k deposit situation. Rental “deposit” in NYC is almost always equal to one month’s rent. The only thing I can think is maybe she paid first, last, security, and one month’s broker’s fee? So maybe she had rented out a studio for $2500? In which case, she got ripped off, because nobody is paying broker’s fees in this economy.

      • Yeah it could be one month’s rent, plus security, plus broker’s fee which could be like 10% of a year, or one month’s rent. In any case, she sucks.

  6. do you think the LA move has to do with TK? His gf will be away at school and so she can try to win him “back”? The donk has never done anything on independent thought so I’m sure some man is involved.

    • Thundercalves, She Are Drink, Delusions of Bradshaw, Mad Yoga Skillz, Super Saggers & Creepy Daddy Issues

      How funny would it be if Toph then moves to be with his gf?

  7. “I got this horrible, sinking feeling I wasn’t supposed to stay in NY.”

    And as soon as a move to California starts to seem real, her cray-cray, roller-coaster emotions that are constantly jerking her all over the place will give her a horrible, sinking feeling that she isn’t supposed to move to L.A. It’s classic Donkey.

  8. Hi guys! You are back and so am I, RollsbutterPoppinfresh, NS’s namaste contributor!!! So we are going to an even bigger and better party tonight! It will be me, Julia, Meghan, Randi in a stretch limo with champagne and everything! And Emily is going, but she is going with a man. We are going to have a great girls night out with no men!!! (my totes cute hubby of three months and FOUR WEEKS (yays!) is still upstate making his movie. I called him and said what is the story and he said it is a hard action movie about some mountain hikers, all guys, who go up into the mountaisn and then there is an avalanche and they have to get the rocks off. Sounds exciting!!) Also, thatothergirlwithpinktights is coming. I hope she pees beforehand. I was sooooooo tired of her always saying “I gotta pee.” I will keep you informed via my phone of developments!!

    • Thundercalves, She Are Drink, Delusions of Bradshaw, Mad Yoga Skillz, Super Saggers & Creepy Daddy Issues

      We can foresee that based on how she decided it was a good idea to get plastic hair pelts and turn her face into something gooey and plastic.

      I just saw her on that VH1 show “Undateable,” and she certainly is! I know I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I really was stunned at just how hideous her face and hair look. Like she has a hard time moving her face.

  9. So we are in the limo!! Julia is taking pictures of herself standing on the seats with her head out the window, so right now her tutu keeps hitting me int he face. But other than that it is awesome!!!!! I was only in a limo twice before, once when I was a baby because my granddaddy died and then later, also a baby, when grandmomma also died, so I don’t really remember it much. Granddaddy #2 died last year but we did not go to the funeral because daddy and granddady#2 (who was daddy’s daddy) were not talking on account of the Russian whore granddaddy #2 was living with at the time of his death. So–no limo ride for that one. So you could say this is my first limo ride and it is just great. I love popping out the roof and yelling woo hoo! And everybody looks at you so surprised because hey, crazy, right? We all took turns popping out the limo roof yelling woo hoo and then we all took turns saying something that is our trademark because Julia said everything is branding. So I yelled Non-Society! And Julia yelled Non-Society! And Randi yelled Facebook! And Meghan just sort of smiled really big. I do not know what thatgirlallison yelled. Probably I gotta pee hahahahahahahahah. More later!!!

    PS. OMG she just said it. She just said I gotta pee.

  10. Hi guys, its me RollssoftshellCRabs, NS’s Newjersey contributor!! We are at the hotel, but ther has been a mix-up and for some strange reason that no one underatnds no one of us is on the guest list! What a mystery, right? Anyway Meghan finally said something (BTW she is so beautiful tonight just like Puerto Riocan movie star if they had movies in Puerto Rico) (I am not sure that they do)(If they do she should be in them) and what she said was I hope this isn;t yet another wild goose chase and Julia said I RSVP’d I swear the door girl is just being a bitch because her boyfriend and I will tell you later HEY EMILY! (that was her yelling really loud) and then she was waving at Emily Gould who was with a man and was just going into the party and Emily waved back and smiled really big and went inside and Julia said SHIT! (also really loud). Then Guess Who said Guess What (if you do not get it, thatgirlallison said I gotta pee). Julia said shut up and let me think and Meghan said that should take some time and Julia said dont start with me Meghan, you are no Princeton physicist yourself and Meghan said would you stop banging on about Princeton for Christ’s sake and none of this seemd fun or happy and I was almost so desperate that I almost started talking to thatgirlallison but thank God Randi is here instead! So now we are talking about Facebook and how privacy is bad and how Randi’s brother is saving himself for someone very special because he is so very special himself while Julia is trying to remember where the fire escape door is.

  11. Who is Donkey entertaining this weekend with another matinee and another “AMAZE-BALLZ” dinner? Did Daddy fly in with a check for the new apt?

    Honestly Julia, your liecasting is such a constant charade I just don’t feel like I know what’s going in your life anymore. BFF’s should tell each other everything Julier.

  12. It pains me to compliment her, but must admit she looks pretty great in the herve leger dress she twittered – pelts back and off the face and you can actually see her shape. Of course, like the free jeans, she will never wear this dress again for no logical reason

  13. HELP HELP HELP ITS MEE ROLLSHACKLESUP NS’S NOSIEST COMPTRUTER!!! WE ARE ALL STUCK IN THE FIRE ESCAPE AND ARE BANGING ON THE DOOR HELP HELP!!!!!! We can hear the party and kind of smell the party and if we put our head on the floor real close to the door we can see a very little bit of the party but we can’t get in and now we can’t get out of the stairs either HELP HELP!!! Here is what happened: Julia found the fire escape stairs and then we went up them except that they closed behind us and now noneof the other doors open or work!! So Julia called Emily on her phone and said Emily are you in there and Emily said yes! This party is awesome! I (meaning Emily) am sitting at the table with Anne Hathaway and Graydon Carter and Anna Wintour loves my dress and Martin Scorsese wants to give me a bit part in the sequel to After Ours and everything is wonderful plus Arthur Sulzberger Jr. just told Keith how wonderful his last three and a half books are and will give him a job if he stops writing them! Where are you (her meaning Julia) and Julia said help help we’re stuck in the fire escape and Emily said what? and Julia said help help again and Emily said I can’t hear you the reception is terrible it sounds like you are calling from the fire escape or something call back later I have to go Prince Harry wants to know who does my tattoos oh is thatgirlallison with you tell her Peter Feld just walked in. Then she hung up and Julia was like BITCH! And then Julia tried to call again but her battery was dead!!!!! And then she told us what Emily said and when she got to the part about Peter Feld thatcrazybitchallison’s eyes got all super-big and she started screaming Peter Peter Peter and like clawing at the door like she was going to dig through it or something!! And I was so scared and even Meghan was like WHOA. And then Randi said what are we here all night and Julia said maybe and we may have to make the best of it unless you have a phone and Randi said not in this pocketbook and what do you mean best of it, there is no best of it to being stuck in a fire staircase all night long with no one to talk about our hair (except maybe ourselves I guess but I think we would be bored real fast) and Julia said look Randi, shut up and deal, when life gives you lemons make lemonade and Meghan said the closest thing we have seen thus far to lemonade is Allison talking about needing to pee (which she was not while screaming Peter so there is that much to be said for that). OMIGOD I JUST THOUGHT WHAT IF WE NEED TO DRINK OUR OWN PEE TO GET THROUGH THE NIGHT????? I think I would rather die than do that!!! Pee is disgusting and sooner or later thatgirlallison is going to stop clawing at the doors and she will need to pee LIKE RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!!!! HELP HELP HELP!!!

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