Julia Allison to Prom King: At Least I Didn’t Cheat On You

Julia Allison, tea party activist, not because she thinks she pays too much in taxes, but because paying her taxes involves work on her part, would like Prom King to know that she was faithful to the rich sucker she settled for, but now she is willing to settle for the other guy she said no to since Captain Theme Date dropped her ass like he drops dollars.

There should be “Wait-Lists” for dating. Like, “Hey, I have a boyfriend now, but I’ll add you to the Wait List!”

So, person who Julia said no to while she was dating, she is now ready to tap into her Federal Dating Reserve for a bailout. She had to pay for an artery clogging sandwich all by herself yesterday. Not cool, y’all.

131 COMMENTS

  1. “How serious is the IRS about this whole “April 15th” deadline, anyway? 😉 ”

    Seriously donkey? How old are you again?

    • I thought the same thing. Also, WHY DOES SHE KEEP TALKING LIKE VIE? amaze-ballz, hilar-ballz…does she think its cute? original? that people wont notice where she got it from? i’m surprised she hasn’t started on a baby craze now that georgie’s had her baby.

      • The way Vie talks would be SO annoying in any other context but it’s ok because it’s just her, it’s her style and you are either down with her or you’re not. I read Vie to pop in on her bizarre, “amazeballs” lifestyle and then move on with my day. Vie is at least organic in her silliness and over-the-topness. Julia, as usual, is late to the game and unoriginal.

      • I declare myself to be the person who doesn’t belong here, primarily because I have no idea who these people are or why they think they matter, but nonetheless can’t stop visiting.

        Thank you, oh THANK YOU, for distracting me of my real job of child-rearing and home-keeping to learn all about VIE. My life is just that much richer now.

        And seriously, she blogs stuff like a dating wait list?? Let’s hope she never, ever, ever reproduces.

  2. So you think she’s sending out feelers to Hipster Lawyer before her extended trip home to Chicago? Dadsers better dust off his preppy costume.

    • Of course she is! A) make PK jealous and B) announce to Hiptard Reject that she is NOT AVAILABLE.

      She’s an asshole.

      • Who should get a therapist, so: Get a therapist, asshole. THERAPIST

        (I find they word best when combined)

      • I think the general consensus is that HL exists, or existed at least until Jaba made him flee, screaming into the night (as so many before him have done). So in order to avoid having to blerg about yet another man dumping her so soon after one date, she got Dadsers to play dress up and flash an arm or foot or whatever in photos.

  3. How many years ago did she resolve to quit OBOing (Or Better Offer)? Not only has she not quit now she’s trying to apply it to other areas of her life.

  4. This is TOTALLY how functioning, adult relationships work. What’s the big deal? Don’t take it so seriously.

  5. Julia wants us to believe she purchased that Modcloth dress in a size EXTRA-SMALL? According to reviews on the site:
    “I got xsmall and i am 4’11, 95lbs”
    “I’m 5″2, 100 lbs, and an XS fits perfectly!”

      • In my experience their dresses run small too, like junior fits. I bet she can’t even get the XS zipper closed. Julia needs a large, and she should own up to it because actually dressing the proper size would make her look less fat.

      • She won’t be able to get it past her hips. Then again, she probably knows that and put the XS up for public view, knowing full well that she’ll either return it for a much larger size or that after taking that screenshot, she immediately changed the size to L or XL.

      • Wait … so her perfectly symmetrical breasts are an AA, then?

        But I for one hope she really did order the XS. C’mon, guys – IMAGINE HOW THE SKIRT OF THAT THING IS GOING TO SIT ON HER CHILD BIRTHING HIPS! Slut ruffle indeed.

      • There is NO WAY IN HELL she is an extra small. She outweighs me by 10 pounds and is 3 inches taller, and I’m a small. That is never going to fit her. Even if it were loose on her ass, it’s not going to fit her ribcage, even though it’s her decidedly most skinny body part. She’s so fucking annoying already. GET OVER IT YOU”RE A MEDIUM AT BEST. WHo the fuck cares?

      • I was HOPING someone would bring this up soon.
        I am 5′4 and 135 too, and not only do I have a similar build to Julia, but I own this dress, in a medium. To be fair, it’s a little big, especially in comparison to most of my ModCloth purchases, but the belt is absolutely tiny – I really want to see how this is going to fit her. I bet we’ll never see a post about it though.

        Can we talk about those shoes, though?

    • the lenght of xs is 31 inches, accordingv to the webiste…
      i don’t think i can take all the thigh.

    • That’s actually a really cute dress, and kudos to Julia for recognizing it.

      That said: XS? Especially now that you’re 5’5″ 1/2? Good lord. In her defense, XS was the only size left, but still–just don’t do it.

      • In her defense? Only if she’s completely delusional with no contact with reality.

        If I see a dress that I really, really, really want, but not in a size that would have a prayer of fitting, I don’t buy it. And I don’t think that takes a great deal of brain power (or sanity) to accomplish that.

      • Here’s the thing (!): I could understand that… if she were a size XS/S and decided to go for a medium as a last resort. I’ve been there – bought something a size larger because I *loved* it and just hoped it would drape well/still look OK. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But buying a dress three sizes too small? You’d have to be cray.

  6. Seriously?

    juliaallison: Genuinely curious: how much do “normal” people travel, on average? 1-3x a month?
    juliaallison: I meant for both work & pleasure, how often are people getting on airplanes? Or trains/buses, I suppose. Overnight trips, different cities.

    “Normal” people travel all different amounts, honey. That’s because they have jobs, and mostly travel for work. REAL work.

    For example, my husband flies All. The. Time. because he is a pilot and that is his job. And while I used to fly All. The. Time. because I was a consultant, now that we’re married I barely travel at all so I can actually see him. And we take a few vacations a year. Internationally. Yes, we win in the flights/month showdown that she just stupidly set up. Good for us.

    I assume this is a way for her to feel better than the “plebes” who never travel?

    • I was so enraged when I read this! Her completely serious, 100% genuine ethnographic study is ridiculous. How does she define “normal”? (And why does she except herself from the category?) In 2007, the “real” (adjusted for inflation) median annual household income was $50,233.00 according to the Census Bureau. Does she really think people making $50k a year can afford three flights a month? For leisure? Or that they have employers that lenient that flitting off to St. Barts for some “me time” is acceptable practice? I just … no. (For the record, I’m pretty normal, and this year I’ve been on one trip and have four more scheduled, with a sixth possibly thrown in depending on a few variables.)

      • I make that and NO I CANNOT. But i have a mortgage and a FAMILY. and I don’t run up credit cards.

    • =

      “My life is so fantastic and special and I am in such demand all the time, and am so very famous and so very loved and so very blessed that I don’t even know how normal people live anymore! Isn’t that the cutest thing ever?

      Like I can barely stay one night in my own pink fetishized-childhood bedroom without people demanding that I get on a plane to go to the other side of the country for yet another deranged-ballz birthday party! Can you imagine! And then it’s like as soon as I’m done with that, agents and networks line up to just beg me to shoot pilots and give keynotes! And men send me tickets out of the blue for chaste, luxury vacays!”

      (above speech delivered by Julia into mirror at 4am, followed by crying jag and consumption of a half dozen cupcakes decorated with ambiens instead of sprinkes.

    • 1-3x a month. Alright, dickhead. Let’s see. I’m lucky if I go once a month to see my family, and I live in BK and they are on LI, because I’m fucking TIRED on the weekends as I HAVE A REAL JOB.

      The rages, cannot be contained. UGH.

    • I imagine she is having some type of “existential” crisis triggered by seeing the movie Up in the Air. Next will be a post about how she would just like to “stand still” like Carrie says in that one SATC episode, yet she must stay wilder than the wind, travelling from place to place, as she is a M-list celebrity and the show must go on.

      Now I will eat my bagel at my very permanent, staying in one place desk.

    • Well, Jeez, if she counts buses then EVERYDAY, BABY!

      Seriously, if I’m lucky I get to travel twice A YEAR! And that only works out if I can crash at someone’s place on at least one of those trips. Of course, I would like to travel more, I love travel and even enjoy plane trips, but some of us have to pay our own bills and that requires a full-time job.

    • The last time I traveled? Was a 4 hour bus trip (yes, BoltBus, no, I didn’t harass anyone for having the gall to use their cell phones) to New York to meet with future professors. The time before that? Was a long weekend LAST OCTOBER to St. Louis to meet with other potential professors and slip in a quick visit to my sister, who I see like 3 times a year. I’m going on my first real vacation in a year in July (incidentally, it’s to Kennebunkport, where they’d eat a hick like Julia alive), and I can only go for 3 days because I have a real job. Eat my shorts, Donks.

      • Feelin ya. I’m going on almost TWO YEARS without a fucking vacay, and the last one was a) with my family and b) to a cheesy part of Mexico were it RAINED EVERY DAY. But you know, I was laid off like millions of other Americans so I could not afford it, and now I have a job like millions of other Americans and I can’t take a trip til I put my time in here.

        This bitch is an idiot. Really, what a failure at life she is.

    • by normal she means common; those who have to wake up in the morning to go to work and those uncreative, unimaginative people who aren’t special snowflakes.
      But, to answer her question, i believe very few people travel as much as she does, ESPECIALLY if those people support environmental group named oxfam.

  7. AND on the topic of PK: “I also still haven’t so much as glanced at another guy since we broke up (now almost a month ago), and I’m starting to wonder what the emotionally healthier move is: start to date guys again casually? Or stay away from the whole thing for the time being?”

    Seriously? Does she not remember tweet stalking that guy at the Streamys (@thune, perhaps)? (Ah yes, here it is: “Does anyone know if @NickThune is single? And straight? And generally free of disease? Because I plan to woo him at the @StreamyAwards.”)

    • Dead on.

      Pay no attention to the donkey behind the curtain. It’s all smoke and mirrors.

      Her target audience must be those with ADD or short term memory loss. Cognitive dissonance means nothing to them.

      Are you dancing as fast as you can yet Julia?

      • & don’t forget the tweet in church on Easter Sunday about the back of the guy’s head & whether or not he was cute … before, during & after, she’s *always* looking, when not gazing upon herself in a mirror, that is.

    • And let’s not forget proclaiming her plan to marry Justin Beiber! Haha.
      I’d love it if Miranda Cosgrove (iCarly star who has actual demonstrated TALENT in a number of areas; famewhoring not one of them) began dating Mr. Beiber! The amount of accomplishment represented by those two TEENAGERS might finally get it through that pelt be-taped donkey skull that she has been left far FAR behind in all things relevant to … um … relevancy.

    • Hmm…I wonder what’s more healthy? Dating unwitting male victims when I am so obviously a fucking train wreck over getting dumped by my last meal ticket 3 seconds ago, or using other ignorant rich schlubs whom I think I may be able to get to give me a ring within a year? Moral quandary!!!

      Seriously? She doesn’t know that it’s obviously not appropriate or advisable to date until she is NOT crying herself to sleep every night? Oh, haha, of COURSE she does! This tweet sponsored by the Trying to Make PK Jealous Corporation. She’s so transparent already.

  8. She’s back to crazy…getting emotional about girls making kiss flip books, referencing some dumb affirmation of the day emails PK “signed me up for” (again, unecessary detail donks), and online shopping. What happened to the taxes? did she ever mention them again? She’s back to losing it. Off to Chicago with her!

  9. OT but Ribnessers, today I feel like a failure of JA-proportions. I had a second interview for a job that I really, really need this morning…and it went terribly.

    That’s all I have to say. Sigh. I fail. 🙁

    PS – I’m 21 and need a real job because, you know, I’m a normal person who has to like, pay bills and pay off loans and live in the real world without the financial support of Momsers and Dadsers.

    Sorry. Needed to vent. Donkey kisses to all.

    • I’m so sorry. Interviewing is THE WORST. I’d rather get a bikini wax.

      Well, maybe it didn’t go as badly as you thought?

      Or maybe something even better is coming!

      Good luck to you.

    • Hey, Restylame. Try not to worry too much. Sometimes when you think you blew it, they actually really liked you and you’ll get the job. If not, try to stay positive. There will be something out there for you.

    • I’m sure you think you did worse than you actually did. In any event, the job market is getting better. Hang in there!

    • Thanks guys 🙂 you’re all very kind and supportive, and I needed to hear all that. Maybe it did go better than I thought; I just got terrible vibes from the whole thing (I’m a huge hippie sometimes). And yeah, there has to be *something* out there for me. Oddly enough, an old boss of mine just contacted me to get lunch and catch up (I interned for her). She’s not hiring, but might know someone who is…

      Anywho. Do I get to treat myself to a cupcake now? 😉

      • Yes, in fact you can have a whole cake if you want.

        And if you got bad vibes? Then TRUST ME you would not have been happy there.

    • Hang in there. RBNS helped me for the five months of unemployment I struggled with after graduating college (I’m 23 now). Ironically I landed a job when I didn’t think the interview went that well! So you never know.

      • Agreed! This site really helped when I was unemployed a fucking YEAR almost.

        Also, the more you interview the better and better you get. I had so many interviews, thankfully, and they used to freak me the fuck out. By the end, I was waltzing in charming their pants off because I just wasn’t nervous anymore. You have to go in there thinking you have NOTHING to lose and they are lucky to have you. It takes practice.

  10. Could you imagine being Prom King at this point? He is literally just trying to live and he has this deviant bullshitting about on her twitter about getting in touch with her former trash.

    Prom King, get the hell out of Dodge. QUICKLY. She will never let you go!

    • Red wine, mustard, grass, blood.

      None of these stains harder and longer than dating a donkey.
      PK will caring the taint of this for years.
      The internet never forgets!

      • That’s because the world knows that he stuck his pecker in a donkey!

        Which would be worse: meeting a new man and learning that he fucked Tila Tequila, or that he fucked Julia Allison Bowwow?

  11. “I do not 100% understand how this adorable little be-bowed blue silk frock can be $42.”

    That’s because it’s actually polyester, Donks. Click on the “measurements” tab. Another thing to note in that tab: “Imported” without mention of a country of origin almost inevitably means “Made in China by laborers making far less than a living wage under execrable factory conditions.”

    It’s killing me that the dress she actually bought, in size XS with a 12-inch waist (what?!) has a description that includes the phrase “you’re friends are sure to raise a glass to your sophisticated style!” That’s right, folks. “You’re friends.” Dying here.

    • She calls them “frocks.” Why? What does she think she’s conveying by her use of certain words? Sophistication?

      As my name states, I’m always amazed at just how stupid she is.

      • Using BIG FANCY WORDS does NOT make you look smart. It makes you look like a DUMB FUCKING IDIOT. GOD.

        Who said they’d like to smack her on the head, over and over, with a copy of Strunk + White? ‘Cause I’d like to join you.

      • Dr. Gary, The Elements of Style is far too tiny (and cute!) a volume to have any impact on Jules. I’m thinking maybe the Chicago Manual of Style or the OED would really get her attention, though.

      • Dr. Gary,

        I’ll see your Deutsches Worterbuch, and raise you a Black’s Law Dictionary.

      • I was about to write a comment that just read “AS;DFAHSD;FLKJS STOP FUCKING SAYING FUCKING FROCKS YOU FUCK” but then I saw that you all beat me to it. Seriously. SERIOUSLY. IT’S A GODDAM DRESS YOU STUPID DONKEY MOUTH BREATHER.

      • @Suck It Haters, See You in Aspen:

        I will see your Black’s Law Dictionary, and raise you one Dehkhoda Dictionary (لغت‌نامه دهخدا).

    • That site does waist measurements in halves for some reason. So 12 inch wait means 24 inches all around. Still way too small for a donkey.

    • “All measurements are specific to each
      individual product and are provided in inches”

      Wait, what? Bust = 14.75? We’re talking about length of that body-part of the dress rather than circumference, right? Still, no way in hell the dress is [a] long enough, nor [b] big enough …

      Her overall pretense of being tween-sized, coupled w/ her tween-slut-mentality of dressing … that very thing that’s such a rich source of amusement to us should be cause for alarm to those closest to her, & yet it is not …

      Anyone else think she’s regressing into an adolescent mindset even more, lately?

      • I think that she has been consciously trying to skew to a tween demographic (all the Miley Cyrus, Gossip Girl, Blair Fowler braying) for awhile now because she realizes that anyone over age of 12 or so immediately sees what a moron she is.

      • I think it means bust = 29.5 inches. This dress would maybe fit a 12 year old, or MK Olsen. Not a donk.

      • Regarding her skewing to a younger demographic, that’s a plan full of win right there, Tweens love to hear advice from scary older women. Look at the roaring success of Atoosa Rubenstein and her Alpha Kitty site. Oh that’s right….crickets on her Youtube channel and website.
        Oh Donkey, you’re thicker than a phone book and always playing catch up.

  12. Whoa, the animation in the RBNS header matches up exactly to the beat of “You Push, I’ll Go,” by Baby Dayliner. I’ve been watching it for about two minutes solid.

  13. She just twittered to someone “Thanks for making me look good to the Dadster”….

    GROSS

    • the chick who tweeted her about meeting her dad sounds like a total idiot herself. “Cutest Daddy EVER!”

      And, I guess Dadster doesn’t realize that “knowing who Julia Allison is” doesn’t equate to “liking Julia Allison.”

  14. So the event was in Chicago, then? WTF was Dadser/Daster/Dadsers doing at a social media event, anyway?

    And why is Julia responding to Tweets when she’s supposedly got mere hours left to finish her taxes?

    • creeepyyy…. when is dadsers gonna get hip with da goog and da twitter and start his own social media takeover?

  15. Memo to PK: Stop answering her texts. Those posts from last night were passive-aggressive mind game bullshit. I hope he reads here, and I know she’ll read this.

    A mature and genuinely heartbroken woman would not be begging her ex for some closure when she is the first to admit she was the one at fault. Why is Julia demanding that he sever ties? She was getting her flirt on in LA, or at least wanted him think she was. She always has to be the victim, and now she is acting like PK is stringing her along. She could take the initiative to delete the daily motivator emails if she can’t bear to read them without crying. She could take her recent “epiphany” seriously and stop trying to take advantage of this guy. Move on, Julia. You wouldn’t give a fuck about PK anymore if some guy had given you the time of day this weekend. She’s creating all this drama in her mind. Does she need another Michael situation? Will it make her happy if PK finally tells her to fuck off and to never contact him again? He might be somewhat douchey but is obviously a nice guy, patient and a kind to a fault to put up with this lunacy. It baffles me.

  16. The PK stuff is just such bullshit. She wrote this. Does she think no one knows?

    “….I have been in love, several times. It is wonderful and confusing and thrilling and overwhelming. But I am not in love with him. I don’t think he is in love with me. (emphasis mine) We care about one another very much, and I hope that will happen eventually … but how can one predict the heart?”

  17. JULIA LOVE FUTURE

    In future, Perception Agents force other people to love Julia.

    They have magic Karp eyes for hypnosis and small electric drills.

    They implant “I love Julia” capsule in brain. Pain is temporary not always.

    Please love Julia before Perception Agents find you.

    (Apologies to Warren Ellis and Edison Hate Future.)

  18. In the future, we’ll probably employ Perception Reps, as opposed to PR reps, to manage the info we personally put out & how it’s perceived.

    @msfitschicago: @juliaallison I’m trying to like you, but…you just keep shooting yourself in the foot. Instead of a perception agent, how about therapy?

    @msfitschicago – Don’t take everything so seriously. Most of the time I’m just joking around. It’s twitter, not The Economist.

    DON’T TAKE IT SO SERIOUSLY IT’S JUST MY BUSINESS I’M A FOUNDER BUT IT’S NOT LIKE SUPER SERIOUS IT’S JUST A JOKE TEEHEE BUT SRSLY Y’ALL DON’T HATE ON ME I’LL GET MY LAWYER DAD TO SEND YOU ALL TO JAIL BUT IT’S JUST A JOKE XOXO

  19. lololol she bought an XS you guys. AN XSMALL!!! She and I are like the same exact body type, weight (although I like to think I carry it a bit better) and I buy an 8 dress and medium everything. everythingggg. haha i am just astounded.

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