Julia Allison Has Expertise

Looks like we have a strategy change. Since Julia is finding it nearly impossible to find employ on television screens, she has decided to switch gears. Since she can’t find a job being on our televisions, she is braying into her echo chamber that she is certainly qualified and knowledgeble enough to dictate what should be on our screens.

TV execs who don’t do case studies on iCarly, the highest rated cable show in history, are making a huge mistake. http://bit.ly/cvHlvq

What do you notice about this?

iCarly got 11 million viewers. Eleven. Million. Viewers.

And if you look at the rest of the list, you’ll see the show appears THREE OTHER TIMES on the Most Viewed cable shows of the week. iCarly has been called the American Idol of cable, but I don’t think that’s why it’s noteworthy. It’s the subject matter – a show about a girl who produces a videoblog with her brother and her best friend – which stands out as one of the only narratives on television which portrays accurately the way youth really interact with technology.

Plus, the iCarly website – unlike nearly EVERY OTHER pointless tv show microsite, which rarely do anything to add to the value of the show – actually contains content. Real content. Different content. Interactive, short-form content. Which feeds back into the show. Which feeds back into the website. It’s a lovely cycle for Nickelodeon, and inexplicably one which other networks haven’t emulated, to the detriment of their own bottom lines.

It’s so obvious that someone talked to her about this topic early today and she is now regurgitating whatever she heard that she perceived as intelligence. It’s also obvious that instead of Carrie Bradshaw, Julia will now fancy herself as a real-life iCarly, whoever that is — really, what is an iCarly? — because she shifts paradigms with her blerg. Think about it, her content feeds into RBNS which feeds right back into her online donkey pen.

She shouldn’t be criticizing television’s inability to make money, since, she has admitted herself that NonSociety has gone from a actual business (haha!) to something along the Sweet Valley High of blogs.

Also? Hasn’t she been doing her taxes for, like, a month now? How is she still not done?

Walking home from The NY Times on 42nd & 8th, I realize I’m going to spend the rest of the day frantically doing my taxes. Lame.com.

Also, also? Get a therapist, asshole.

113 COMMENTS

  1. Why does she think that “TV execs” pay no attention to ICarly?

    Maybe because she hasn’t been offered a clone show?

    • Yeah why would TV execs, who memorise Nielsen numbers before they memorise their kids birthdays, pay attention to iCarly.

      I mean what does she think they do? Hold meetings where they say things like “align our synergies” and “break paradigms”? Oh silly me, I am mistake that’s what Donkey thinks MBAs do all day. All TV execs do is massive rails of coke.

      • I 100% believe in my heart that Miss Julia thinks all television executives are exactly like Alec Baldwin in 30 Rock.

      • Poser, a while ago Jules joined a Facebook group supporting Jack Donneghey (sp?) to speak at Harvard Business School’s commencement. She makes no distinction between real life and television. That’s why she thought she could move to Manhattan and afford Jimmy Choos on a dating columnist’s salary. It worked for Carrie Bradshaw.

  2. Stop writing like a twat!

    “…inexplicably one which other networks haven’t emulated, to the detriment of their own bottom lines.”

    What has been read, cannot be unread.

    • Exactly. As I said below, her writing makes me want to punch kittens. Or her face.*

      *Violence not endorsed by Reblogging Nonsociety. Views expressed above may not be the views of the writers. This blog may induce vomiting. Talk to your doctor if you experience headache, stomache, or violent urge to punch kittens.

  3. Well, when you don’t pay quarterly taxes like you should, doing end year taxes and trying to figure in as many deductions as possible to lower your burden is a bitch. Of course, I made this mistake at 22 when I opened my own PR firm and had never done my own taxes before. Donkey has made it at 29, while being a “business owner” for two years, and a freelancer for multiple years before that .

    Also, since her endless GMAT tweets prove she can’t do math, this should be interesting for all involved. Of course, she could have just hired an accountant (since the cost of the accountant is deductible) and let them do it, but that would require thinking about something other than cupcakes and tutus and web-blogs and hair extensions for five minutes.

    I hate to say this, but it would rock if she got audited.

    PS. If she says Lame.com one more time, I am going to scream. She’s 29, my 12-yr-old cousin doesn’t even say that.

    • Shit, I am not above reporting her to the IRS. It’s not being a narc. All US citizens must pay taxes, not just the ugly ones. Since she is a complete failure at math, business and keeping track of anything except her own name on Google, I’m certain she will fuck it up in her favor. That is criminal and unfair to all of us who DO pay our shit properly. There is no way she could wrangle all her receipts and swag and “I’m a girl! teehee!” deductions in one day and mail it. Hell, by the time I finish writing this it will already be too late on the east coast.

      Donkey, you think you are a businesswoman and entitled to a business degree? You are a complete failure. Real businesses file taxes promptly even though they are busy and do REAL business. What’s your excuse? You were sad about your boyfriend? You had too many cupcake meetings to attend? You had to shop? Fuck off, get audited, and die in the slammer. I hope they garnish your pathetic excuse of a salary to the point you can’t even afford sprinkles for your stupid cupcakes.

      • I honestly don’t think she is doing her taxes herself and that this is just another way of playing cute along the lines of math is hard, oopsie parking ticket, haven’t packed yet etc. My guess is that Daddy dearest makes sure this is taken care of and that the papers have been submitted way before the deadline.

      • No Money Peltskank: sigh. You are probably right. I was going to mention that she probably files as a dependent on her father anyway. It would make the most sense.

        Note to Julia: The “helpless maiden” thing went out of fashion in 1800s. If you can’t cook, clean, earn money, pay taxes or suck dick, don’t sit around braying “Why can’t I find a husband!!??”

      • Cosign above. There is no fucking way in hell she is doing her own taxes. No way in hell. Nor is there any way she “has a real job” or “pays her own rent.”

      • Living in LA, I have quite a few friends that get at least a few national commercials a year: and they STILL need to wait tables. No WAY Sony paid her not-a-household-name-except-at-the-Baughers ass enough money to afford her apartment (the size of my closet), let alone the pelts, tutus, and cupcake supply. And I know first hand from my own WORK and sites that even when a brand pays you to shill for them, it’s seldom in the 5 digits range.

        BITCH. PLEASE.

      • I have never believed that she does her own taxes. No way. Her setup has to be a complicated tax situation: 1) self employed 2) receives money from family 3)many, many dubious write-offs 4) gift/shill taxes (if she ever reports them…it could go on.

        It’s probably legalese for “I have to fax some receipts to my accountant (or dad)…so. much. pressure!”

        Or maybe her parents do write her off as a dependent, but that could get complicated for them if she is actually earning a certain amount.

      • If her dad is letting her wait until April 15th to file her taxes, he is as stupid as she is. My dad did my taxes until I got married (I know, I know but MATH IZ THE HARDZ) and that shit was done the first week it was even allowed to be filed.

  4. And then we get this gem:

    Speaking of the iCarly phenom – has anyone in mainstream media covered it & what it means in terms of tech, entertainment & youth culture? (33 minutes ago from web)

    Um … aren’t you a self-proclaimed journalist (among other things)?? Why don’t YOU cover it, on spec, and then, oh I don’t know, SELL IT. If it’s as interesting as you say, you should have no problem.

  5. Um. Seriously? The show has been on since 2007. Of COURSE mainstream media has covered it. It’s just not getting covered to death NOW because it’s been ON FOR ALMOST 4 YEARS: DUH.

    Also, it’s called GOOGLE, bitch. This super cool and nifty invention where you can type stuff in and find answers: AND find out all by yourself what has been covered. Just like a BIG GIRL!!!

    I get more infuriated when she tries to make it seem like she actually does ANY of this for work than I do when she preens in a tutu. I think she’s angling for some kind of gig for herself that would be an iteration of iCarly, and she posted that as a bit of planted propaganda for whoever might be checking out her blergh as they do this little thing profeshunal bizznis ladeez do: called RESEARCH.

    Pardon me, back to my actual WORK. Ya know, marketing awesome clients that don’t suck. Online. That thing she claims to do but has never actually done.

    “xo”

    /rant

    • Seriously! A quick Google news search brought up 209 mentions of iCarly and that’s just in the last month. I never watch Nickelodeon or any tween/ teen shows and even I’ve heard of her. Jesus!

    • Of course. There is always, ALWAYS, an ulterior motive.

      Remember that long post out of the blue yammering on and on about Lunch.com and then it turned out she was getting paid to write for them? It’s something along those lines.

      • Lunch was in beta at the time and they were using her as a type of “evangelist” of some sort. I love Lunch.com and have worked with them as well. The difference is, it’s all in how you present it. It’s smart for Lunch.com to reach out to significant people in new media to get the word out about their site, however it’s also smart for the evangelist/marketer or whatever you call yourself… to disclose working relationships. The pesky FCC and all. Duh.

        But she gets away with it just like she got away with the black hat SEO. And everything else.

        Shit, now *I* want to punch a kitten. Damn her.

  6. Doesn’t she know there are differences in the viewing habits of adults vs. the viewing habits of kids? Most adults aren’t going to run to a computer to Tweet, blog, or watch extra videos after an episode of “Mad Men” because they don’t have the time and/or the inclination to do so. Then again, Julia lives her life as if she was a twelve year old girl so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.

    I thought she got her taxes done back in March when she blogged something along the lines of ‘TAXES ARE SO HARD’. Good to know she can still surprise me.

    • Well, there is TWOP. Not that I’ve ever obsessed there at all. Especially in the Mad Men forum. Never, not me.

      • Love TWOP. JAB would be torn to shreds by them. Those writers are fantastic (most of them). Commenters too.

    • Also, tell me if I’m wrong but didn’t Lost have a fairly interactive website that all the Lostards got obsessed with? If the show has a nerdy cult following, they will spend hours on the internet listening to podcasts and trying to decode easter eggs in a website to figure out why the Lost writers hate Locke or whatever those people care about.

  7. Next Julia post: “I just discovered a funny new TeeVee show called 30 Rock. It features a woman who is charge of a network. She doesn’t even wear pelts and they give her a network job! Of course on the TeeVee show on 30 Rock she really isn’t on the TeeVee but is behind the scenes. Like the Megans of my business. I forget which megan is my producer. Anyway….. I can’t believe the mainstream media is talking about this great show!”

  8. SHUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING PIE HOLE, DONKEY.

    Jesus H. Christ. I’ve worked in the entertainment business. Used to work for a production company that produced movies and TV shows. Get a fucking clue DUMBASS.

    Do you even know what industry execs do? They ALL read Variety, Hollywood Reporter and all other industry publications/websites EVERY. FUCKING. DAY. All they do is look at numbers and research. And they go to annual conferences like NAPTE and MIPCOM. They know this shit like the back of their hand, inside out.

    HOW CAN YOU BE SUCH A DUMB FUCKING CUNT?

    Just because YOU, YOU FUCKING DUMBASS, don’t know it or study it, doesn’t mean that the people who work in that business don’t know it. That is ALL TV execs do, all day long. At breakfast meetings, lunch meetings, dinner meetings. They live it and breath it.

    God DAMN IT she is bringing out the brayge today.

    Stick to what you know, you fucking dummy: cupcakes, tutus, pink dresses, etc. AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.

  9. My favorite part of this bullshit?

    “contains content. Real content. Different content. Interactive, short-form content”

    Content. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. “Hi, it’s Julia. I’m looking for a therapist like I promised you guys–RBNS!!!–but it’s kind of hard, and I need to crowdsource more ideas… can anyone give me a few names of therapists? Oh, also their addresses and phone numbers? Also I need to make sure they’re no more than a 5-minute cab ride away from the Pink Palace-Pen. Actually while you’re at it can one of you guys pick up the phone and call and make an appointment for me? (Don’t forget I don’t get up ’til noon.) Also since you’re already on the phone can you call my accountant and tell him to FILE FOR AN EXTENSION, since I want to write this off? Kthxbie!!!!

    I really hope you have a great day. xoxo Julia.”

  11. So predictable.

    Similar to the saying “those who can’t, teach” is “those who can’t get on TV? Work in programming.”

  12. Just got home from work to find E-Weekly in my mailbox. Pg. 106, full page story: TV’s most powerful teen- The iCarly Star has become cable TV’s hottest commodity.

    A day late a dollar short.

  13. http://julia.nonsociety.com/post/524151567

    “… (most) 18-year-olds have absolutely no sense of history, and they genuinely believe they are the first generation to think and do just about everything.”

    Maybe Julia really is an 18 year old. Because just off the top of my head…
    1. “Readers email me and I email them back and that is extraordinary!”
    2. She starts a tumblr and thinks she’s a “founder”
    3. Said her and the NS girls were “the first human beings….” to do some shit (doesn’t matter what because they so weren’t…)
    4.and today she is the first to notice iCarly

    • Things that Julia Could (Potentially) Be First At:
      – First Donkey on the Moon
      – First President of Midget Bizness Lady Foot Fetishist Club
      – First Tranny Blair Waldorf Impersonator (maybe too late for this)
      – First Sister-in-Law that Allie has ever hated

      Things Julia Can Never Be First At:
      – First “Founder”
      – First Person to Eat/Love Cupcakes
      – First Person To Read a Book/See a TV Show/See a Play/See a Movie
      – First Person to Dress as Slutty Something-or-other on Halloween
      – First Person to Own a Small Cute Dog
      – First Person with an Eating Disorder
      – First Person to Ever Be Dumped

      etc. etc. etc.

    • She took one sentence and completely missed the point of the op-ed. Her reading comprehension is horrible. No wonder she didn’t get into Stanford (and probably bombed the GMAT).

    • PS. “Waiting .00003 miliseconds for a google search to finish? ”

      Can’t.
      I.Just.Can’t.With.Her.WTF?

      • PPS. i just googled “julia allison”

        Results 1 – 10 of about 1,680,000 for julia allison. (0.34 seconds)

      • 30 nanosecond response time? Hilarious. She has negative exponent apnea.

        Why can’t she just say “a fraction of a second”?

    • When I noted the OP-ED writer’s name, all I want to do is sing, “Let me rock you Saffa Khan, let me feel for you.”

  14. You can’t write. For the love of God, please, for your own sake, I’m begging you. Stop trying. I wanna punch a kitten right now. I really want to punch a kitten.

  15. HEY TV EXECS! JULIA ALLISON IS TALKING! YOU MIGHT WANT TO PAY ATTENTION, AS SHE FAILED TO GET A DEAL WITH BRAVO FOR HER INANE TV SHOW, AND SHE HAS DONE A LOT OF PILOTS THAT NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY. SHHHH! SHE IS SPEAKING. YOU WILL LISTEN IF YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU. (hands idiot the microphone)

    • Her post about the Google tricks made my jaw drop (as did the article she linked, to some extent). How could she not have known any of these?!! I use these “tricks” constantly, and no one had to point them out to me, and I am not tech-savvy, and I am an old. And almost all of them came to me, naturally, in the course of doing my JOB. (Oh; I guess that just answered my question.)

      • I know, I saw that piece and thought sweet mother of fuck, this was written for my parents, IE, people the same age as your average Times reader. People 60 and over who are just learning how to Google. Hello????

        THERAPIST

      • Ha! That reminds me that last night my mother asked me if I filed my tax returns “through the computer” this year.

        Maybe Donkey could join her in a beginning computer skills adult education class down at the junior college.

  16. And ALSO: can we talk about this tweet?
    “There should be “Wait-Lists” for dating. Like, “Hey, I have a boyfriend now, but I’ll add you to the Wait List!””
    No wonder she can’t sustain an adult relationship: she’s always looking for someone better.

    • I think I’m all brayged out. By now it’s like waiting for a sneeze that doesn’t come out – very frustrating, much worse in fact than just to blow a fuse.

      That it doesn’t even seem to occur to her anymore that sometimes relationships just work so that you don’t need to look for someone else, is actually quite sad.

    • Good Lord. Does she actually think men are lining up to be with her? And of course, it’s all about her, not actually about who the other person is, what they want, and if they are in any way compatible with her. I can’t believe this nitwit passed herself off as a relationship columnist. Those who can’t do, teach, right?

    • That tweet is such a naked, desperate attempt to make PK jealous. Why do I think he’s not reading and doesn’t give a shit anyway?

  17. Dear Julia:

    You are not iCarly. You are not Blair Fowler. You are not Blair Waldorf. Actually, no one is Blair Waldorf because she is fictional. The other two? They are CHILDREN. You are an ADULT or at least that is what you are supposed to be. Perhaps you could pick someone in your own age bracket to admire. It could even be someone in the “new media world.”

    If you are confused as to what age bracket you should be looking, please refer to your driver’s license and NOT your surroundings.

    Thank you.

  18. STFU and get to work your taxes, Donkey.

    At this rate, you’re going to be hoofing (yeah, i said it) down to the main PO at 11:30pm to stand in line to get your taxes filed on time –

    You stupid, spoiled, asshattery, twat, waste of oxygen, simpleton!!!!

    ggrrrr…

    She makes me nuts.

    What do 18 year olds know? Well, judging by the link posted on your stupid donkey site, a shit ton more than you will ever know at 29 or whatever age you are or will be. For instance, ‘ is used to indicate feet and ” is used to indicate inches.

    Punching kittens? Stabbies? I feel it, too.

    • “tally ho!” made me bray (you know….honk hahaha). Me thinks someone needs a break from the donkstar.

  19. What the fuck to this entire thing?

    What’s next? Breaking!: “Speculation over the gender of this ineffable Lady Gaga personality!” “Vampires appear to be infiltrating the vagina brains of the world!” “Kate Gosselin a famewhore!”

  20. There’s a pretty interesting town hall in Florida dealing with Tea Party issues, etc on PBS right now. Just fyi. It’s possible to multitask.

  21. yes she needs a therapist, yes she sucks at doing taxes, no she probably didn’t come up with the iCarly stuff herself, but why does that make her an asshole, a twat, a motherfucking donkey and a dumb fucking cunt?

    your jealousy > your cleverness

    • “…she probably didn’t come up with the iCarly stuff herself…”

      See, that’s the thing: she didn’t come up with it herself, but she presents it as if she did (as she does much of her “content”) and as if her audience is stupid enough to believe that she did; THAT’s what makes her an asshole.

      • That and the cheating on boyfriends, and sleeping with married men, and basically just being a despicable cunt to everyone she meets who can’t give her something she wants.

    • Oh whatever. The jealousy argument is so fucking tired already. Trust, I am jealous of NOTHING about this fuckwit.

  22. So fellow cat hags…I have a question. If you had a literary agent, a New Media agent, a TeeVee agent, a newly hired PR rep, Randi Z. as your pseudo friend, a gazillion pilots in the can, 17 thousand photo shoots, coffee/lunch/brunch/dinner/cupcake meetings scheduled daily, Dr. Bobby on speed dial, 45 keynotes per month, three matchmakers in Manhattan looking for your husband, frequent flier miles at Houstons, an acupuncturist, Gawker fronting…wouldn’t you have something to show for it by now?

    • But all those things you listed equal “something to show” to the donk. That’s success to her (having an agent, having a meeting, invisible imaginary corporation founder). She doesn’t even get that there’s more. Pathetic. I’m just holding out for “JA: The Trophy Wife Years.” She’ll probably invent tennis.

  23. Although it’s slightly off-topic, but I feel it should be pointed out, that, in the show, Carly does NOT produce her webisodes WITH HER BROTHER, rather with two of her friends. Her brother is merely her doofy guardian.

    Oh, donkey… i’d rethink the whole “journalist” thing.

  24. She really thinks she invented the Internet. Yet she has to be one of the least technical people out there.

  25. My 56 year old dad just found out he got into Harvard Business School.
    JA can S my D.

  26. For all of you getting sick of her: you forget she is circling the drain, and her cycles of crazy are going to get faster and faster as she has fewer and fewer opportunities. Not only that, but her breakdowns will be more and more extreme.

    Wait until Meghan quits. I predict full-blown Joker make-up, and marching around naked whilst claiming to be invisible a la Mariah Carey.

  27. I’ve never heard of iCarly. Guess I fall in with the rest of the 6,804,100,000 people on the planet.

    • You’d only hear of iCarly if your kids watch the show. Other than that, no reason to watch. It’s not THAT good a show, seriously. Even my kids would pick SpongeBob over that. Now SpongeBob Squarepants is a show that gives me the complete giggles.

  28. Nothing better than a fishing joke. My step father just shared this joke with me:Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

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